Friday, October 29, 2010

Wrap that rascal, an epiphany, and a heartfelt thanks

Wrap that rascal
There's been some talk about getting together with Bonnie and Linda as we all live fairly close to each other (I'm totally excited by this possibility but that's a whole different thing).  So I had run a possible date by Brad last night and it prompted this little convo with him this morning.

Brad: Who might you be going out with?

Me: I’m meeting some strangers I met on the internet.

B: (bursts out laughing) Make sure you wrap it up before you do anything.

M: (eye rolling – geesh) Actually, it’s true, They are strangers I’ve met on the internet.

The Thanks!!!
So yesterday I really had to battle back some of my uglier demons after my Dr’s appointment.  Maybe the band just won’t work for me.  Maybe I’m doomed to be a failure.  Maybe I am in fact dumb and the fact that I felt like I was on a merry-go-round and we were just talking in circles was all me and not because he’s a tool.  Sure there’s a part of me that knows I was speaking clear English and had good, well thought out points of view and he was just being a total idiot and countering just about anything that came out of my mouth I’m thinking just to make himself appear superior – but the other part of me – the scared little fat kid that hides behind the big personality and all that fat – well she wasn’t so sure.  I could feel it wasn’t good so I pushed the entire appointment into one of my handy lid-less boxes in the back of my brain because I was afraid if I let myself think about it too hard or look too closely it would rock me off of my really good head-space.  You never know what it’ll take.
Anyway – I’m really wanting to say thank you, to all of you from the bottom of my heart.  My appointment yesterday rocked me for a while.  I blocked it out because I knew it was not a good thing for me and then I put it out there and gave it to you guys so I could get a sanity check.  I was prepared for you to say he was an idiot.  But I was also prepared for you to couch that with... “but he does have a good point about this or that…” because I feared it was just me.  But what you gave me, what I've consistently seen on blog after blog is just plain support. 

I can't tell you how much it means to me to just feel the love.  This is truly such a lovely and supportive community and each and everyone of you should feel proud at how well you represent it.  So thank you again, truly.

The epiphany
I'm smart.  It’s the one thing I always knew I could count on and it’s the thing that I feared more than anything not being true.  If I wasn’t smart then what the hell was I?  This is actually an epiphany for me – you are watching it take place right before your very eyes.  In my head I’ve never once doubted that I'm smart.  I’m not any kind of genius or anything crazy like that, but things have always come pretty easy to me.  I went through school and then college and wasn't ever really challenged.  If I ever did feel challenged I’d end up with the best grade in the class because I had to prove I was still smart.  If I wasn’t challenged I was just as likely not to show up and get a C (but that's a whole other story, I clearly had some issues here).  But the point is, smart was always the thing I knew I was – and yet, it’s the one button that can really rock me - as happened yesterday.  If someone can do something that calls my intelligence into question – it rocks me.  And (here’s the epiphany) – it’s because it was always the one thing I had - that I was really sure of.  “You’d be so pretty if you just lost the weight”  “You could excel at sports if  you just lost the weight.”  Yadda yadda yadda.  But I was smart.  So if you take that away – what’s left?  My sparkling personality??  Well as that was a fake for much of my life – that wasn’t very comforting…  

And okay I was dumb for choosing this particular doctor - but in my defense my husband picked him.  I don't really do people easily.  He is much better about reading people and much, much better about asking relevant medical questions when choosing a doctor so we decided that we'd find a doctor he was medically comfortable with that I didn't want to kill.  That was our criteria.  And while I didn't like him from the outset, I didn't think he was the true and serious idiot that I now believe him to be.

Okay - so there's my totally incoherent ramble for the day.


Fluffy said...

Read - Just read this and your last post. All I can say is: WOW! What an I-D-I-O-T! I was extremely blown away by the drugs. Um, helloooo, BIZARRE-O! I think you handled him with logic and grace - KUDOS to you and I hope you find someone else!

tessierose said...

I just read the Dr. exchange, what a jerk, sorry you had to endure that. On a much lighter note, you are going to love Bonnie and Linda! Tell them I said hello! I wish I could join you!

Bonnie said...

I can't wait to meet you. I did have to laugh at your husband. Tell him not to worry. We'll meet in a public spot.

amandakiska said...

I just read your post about the fill and I have just one thing to say...okay maybe two. #1 - Your surgeon is an ASS. #2 - RUN, don't walk to a Fill Center USA or another fill doc. This guy is toxic and he will sabotage your weight loss efforts.

If his patients fail, HE is the problem!

~Lisa~ (Mrs C) said...

You are a very smart, wise and intelligent woman - know that and own it! This mam is someone who is working FOR you - and for that matter, with you. If you're not happy with him, if he makes you feel anything that you're NOT, perhaps it is time to move on. It's your life, it's your journey - anyone who gets in the way of your success needs to be shown the door - FAST...

Something About Kellie said...

I think it would be best to look for a new dr/fill centre. I would not like to have to beg or even bargain with my dr to get a fill if I feel I need one.

I only had 2 dr's to choose from. Option 1: Most experienced but had not personal skills whatsoever or option 2: a dr with reasonable experience who has a lovely manner.

Call me shallow but I went for option 2. It's nice to feel listened to and empathised with and my dr does that.

Your doing a great job!

Sandy Lee said...

You are smart because you have the band. Just saying. And that doc-he might be a great surgeon but in my experience (as an RN) they lack some basic communication skills. Which might be why he chose surgery as most of his patients sleep.

I choose how I talk to the nurses at my surgical clinic. I know that words like PB'ing and sliming set them off and they seem to want to lecture me. They also don't want to hear about restriction, just how long a cup of food keeps you from being hungry. If you keep to this doc, just learn what he wants to hear. You'd be surprised how frightened some docs are of their "smart" patients. Most patients are actually pretty dumb. But not you. No siree. I agree, you are one smart cookie (I am too), so welcome to the cookie bag.

FitBy40 said...

Just catching up on the past couple of days and OH MAN, what an ASS! I am so lucky my doc is awesome! He was really the only choice in our immediate area but I have not been disappointed. He's won all sorts of awards, but is still the most sweet, kind man.
I really hope you find a surgeon to meet with who is more educated than this schmuck.
The best of luck!