Thursday, October 14, 2010

I feel a little like a Drazil stalker...

I swear it’s not my intention, but man her gyno post made me want to share the shear stupidity/terror that was my own last appointment. 

So, I don’t love going to the gyno, cuz I’m not an idiot, but I don’t hate it any more than I hate going to the dentist – it is what it is.  Go in, get it done and no one gets hurt.  Once there, I’m truly not remotely modest.  I’ve either been able to convince myself that she’s (My doctor – and I don’t think I could actually go to a male one, but that’s a different story) seen it all and can’t possibly be horrified by mine or (and this is way more likely) I’m just brilliant at compartmentalizing things and I put the fact that she’s staring at my cooter in that little box way in the back that doesn’t have any hinges.

Anyway – I get there and am naked but for that little paper dress thing, feet up – fully on display for the world to see and she’s chatting away about the weather and the Raven’s latest game or whatever other small talk seems appropriate to her while she’s got her fingers all up in there poking from the top while she's pushing from the bottom and then it’s time for the fun little plastic toy.  Okay fine.  Truly, whatever.  Go for it.  I like toys, what’s one more between friends, right?

She squirts it with lube, apologizes profusely for this part, perhaps being a woman clues her into just how fun this isn’t and slides it home and cranks it open.  Then she pushes it a little deeper and mutters under her breath a bit as she pulls it out.  “I’m really sorry” she tells me Jesus God? What could be that bad that you discovered it that quickly?  “What?” I ask in my best reasonable tone.  This one just isn’t big enough; I need to use a bigger one.  This isn’t my first day at the rodeo, but I’m not a skank, what the hell do you mean it’s not big enough?  I even had my kids by C-section.  What the fuck?  “Luckily I don’t have to leave you here to get the really big one in the other room.”  Luckily for whom you nimwit?  “Okay.” I say to her.

So she gets up and rustles around through the drawers while I lay there getting a little chilled until she finds what she’s looking for.  She tears it out of its plastic wrap and sits back down.  She squirts it with lube, apologizes profusely (I think I’ve heard this song before) and drives it home and cranks it open.  And then she…. Yup, you guessed it, pushes it a little deeper, then mutters under her breath as she pulls it out.  You’ve got to be fucking kidding me.  If I was having sex with the entire football team, I want to at least remember it… Maybe… I guess maybe it’s better I don’t remember such things.  I look at her expectantly.  “I’m really sorry, but I do have to go and get the other one.  I promise I’ll be quick.  Holy Fuck.  She left me there, facing the door I’ll have you know, wide open and on display for anyone who wanted to open that little not-so-locked door.  It was while I was waiting for the rest of the office to pop their head in to check on me that this little game we were playing was ringing a distant bell in my brain.  Maybe something is trying to get out of that little hinge-less box in the back???  Did she maybe have to use more than one last time too and I totally blocked it out?  OMHFG

She was back lickity split and we went through the drill again.  Open the package, squirt some lube, apologize profusely (which by this time, I’m thinking she should be on her knees begging), and shove it on home and crank it on open and guess what Goldilocks, this one was is just right.  She does what she needs to do, pulls it out and snaps off her gloves.  “You just have a really long vagina; I’ll make a note in your chart for next time so we won’t have to go through this again.”  LONG?  Jesus God.  Did I say that before?  I’m thinking I’m a gaping hole that can’t possibly satisfy another man as long as I live and it’s too long?  Long?  And really, babe, what did you go through here – we my ass!  And didn't we go through some version of this dance last time I was here, maybe only with two of them - why wasn't there a note in my chart for this time???  "Okay" I said.

And then!  I go home and relay this horrifying story to my best online friend - the one who knows every single dirtly little secret about me - and her only response was... Oh I guess that explains how you and Dan were able to have sex with that little vibrating egg inside you, I never could figure that out.


Drazil said...

Shitballs - a long vagina! LOVE this...thanks for the laugh!

FitBy40 said...

I seriously almost peed my pants over here while reading this!
Thanks for the share.

Amester said...

You are funny!! I had my annual exam last month and my gyno was all distracted by asking me LapBand questions. He (yep a "he") is always trying to put the giant one in and asks EVERYTIME "does that really hurt"? I should have picked a female 27 years ago!!! I have to now catch up on your blog for more laughs!

Curvaceous Queen said...

So many things I thought you might post about, I'm pretty sure this wasn't it. Sorry I can't type coherently and belly laugh at the same time. This is just GOLD.

Jen said...

Thanks! My kids are asking me what is so funny. Um...not sure what to say. I'm crying laughing.

Something About Kellie said...

I was right with you the whole way until I got distracted by the mention of a vibrating egg thing....did it have a string?

Dizzy Girl said...

LOL! I HATE lady visits. I haven't been in Forever! I know it's wrong not to go, but I get the worst anxiety. Someone give me a xanax, I could barely READ about it. :) Glad you survived- I would've been crying- literally.

Tina said...

OH my freaking God...Tooo tooo funny. I have been probed by men and women and been accused of being tipped (you get the glove and cough treatment for that one)...but I did not even know speculums or is that specula? (hmm spell check doesn't like either) came in multiple sizes!!

Do tell us more about the egg thoug..I am waiting on the edge of my seat.

Read said...

LOLOL. I too had no idea there were sizes (though I think we had gone through this last year too) until we systematically went through them all (I hope that was all of them).

Yes the egg has a string; it's really a very thin cord that connects it to a control thingy that you put batteries in and where the controls are; off, slow, fast, pulsing.

We were playing around tried it where it's put in me first and then we had sex - so with each thrust it was pushed harder against me inside and he was getting the vibration right there were it's super sensitive. We both liked it if I recall, though I'm not sure we did it more than a couple of times.


I believe this link might be the actual type that I have though I know there are lots of others.

I hope you were serious when you wanted to know more - otherwise I've just embarrassed a bunch of people. LOL

kagead said...

Seriously, one of the funniest things I have ever read. Of course, the vibrating egg kicker was just the icing on the cake, so to speak.