Sunday, December 25, 2011

I need some help...

I need a bit of help... 

There's this great youtube video of a guy who ran his way to losing weight.  I've seen it a bunch of times and can't find it right now.  It's lots of videos of him at varying weights with words in front of the videos - like "and then I ran a mile".... or "and then I ran a marathon".  It's maybe 3 minutes long and extraordinarily inspiring!  With this tiny little description - do any of you know what I'm talking about and what the link might be??  I want to share it with a friend of mine and of course I can't find it now!

Thanks so much and Merry Christmas to you all!!!

Saturday, December 10, 2011

Oh how I worry about that boy...

Just to refresh your memories... Tommy is 13.  He's taller than me, which admittedly is not saying much, his voice is lower than my husband's and that is seriously saying something, he's hairy as shit and this still freaks me the fuck out, he wears shoes bigger than my husband.  He's a big strong boy.  He's very bright in the book smarts kind of way and dumb as a rock in the common sense kind of way.  We love him, but (shaking head)... sometimes I just don't know what to do with him.

So... let's see, I guess it was about two weeks or so ago that Tommy notified me that the shampoo that he and his father both use had run out.  (both boys insist on using our shower so it's full of all manner of hair care products).   Okay dear, I'll get some more next time I go to the store - perhaps next time you might want to alert me it's getting low before it's actually run out.... Yes mom.

Well in the intervening time we had a big Christmas party and seriously I could not have cared less if Tom had his particular brand of shampoo as I was preparing for a shit ton of people to come into my house.  So fast forward to last night and Tom is taking his nightly shower.  He storms out to me, half dressed.

Tom: MOM!  (with great reserve) Will.  You.  Please.  Take.  Me.  To.  The.  Store.  So.  I.  Can.  Buy.  Some.  Shampoo.

(I'm sort of impressed he's changed his tune a bit to now want to participate in the shopping trip vs. assuming I'll take care of it for him.)

Me:  Sure, honey.  I'm sorry I haven't gotten it yet, I just haven't been to the store (since the party).  It's on the list, I promise I'll get it the next time I go.

Tom:  (completely put upon) Fine.  Whatever.

Me:  (trying not to laugh)  Baby, just use something else, it'll be fine for a few more days.


Me: um... Babe?  what have you been using all this time (in your nightly fucking showers???)


Me:  uh... Babe?  Have you not washed your hair in all this time???

Tom:  THERE'S NO SHAMPOO IN THERE!!  (as if I didn't hear him the first time.)

Me:  uh... Babe?  What do you think I do with my hair every morning?

Tom:  (deer in headlight look)

Me:  Oh my God child.  You have to wash your hair every time.  Let's go look so I can show you all the other fucking shampoo in the fucking shower.  What do you think your dad does?  Do you think he hasn't washed his hair in the last two weeks??  And seriously - do you think I haven't washed my hair???  What about your brother???  Oh my God!

We make it into the shower and the first thing I point out is the Johnson's Baby Shampoo - which Tommy used to wash his hair for his whole life except the last few years.

Me:  uh... Babe?  You had to know this was shampoo as you used it your whole life until recently!!!!

Tom:  I thought that was body wash.

Me:  OMG  Child - seriously - you could use body wash too - the goal is to get soap of some sort on your hair so it becomes clean.  But baby let's look, shall we.... this is shampoo... this is shampoo.... this is shampoo.... You can tell because it actually has the word SHAMPOO on the bottle... (FUCK!!!)  Let's open this closet here, shall we....  Oh look here's a whole big huge bottle of your favorite shampoo - right here, front and center.  (Fuckity fuck fuck fuck)

Tom:  Oh.. hmmm, that'll work.

OMG - He has my hair - only it's light brown, so it's usually puffy and curly and I LOVE it long.  But if it gets too long some of the curl comes out of it and it looks a little stringy and straight - I was totally thinking he needed a haircut because his hair was looking a little longer and straighter than normal.... Uh... Guess what??  The next morning his hair was all puffy and curly again.

Man do I worry about that child.....

Thursday, December 8, 2011

Emotions and chaos... (I think I need more in my life)

So... let's talk about the husband, Dan shall we?  I haven't talked about him in a while.  We've been getting along really well of late; touching, kissing, talking, cuddling.  And then it's time for therapy again...

Each week on Tuesday's I'm all kinds of stressed all day long because so often I end up feeling kicked in the stomach. 

And guess what... I got kicked again.  He can't ask me for help because I'm not empathetic.  Of course the fact that I can't ask him for help because he keeps telling me to go away (figuratively not literally) is, I'm sure, my fault as well.

She had reviewed the assessments we filled out a while ago and was commenting on how we're very similar in our inability to ask for help - that the lessons from our childhoods taught us it was not safe to ask for help and we both adapted extremely well to that.  (this is why I'm sure we were initially a match made in heaven initially). 

Oh and I found it fascinating that she said my answers, came from a far more emotional space than his did.  I did not spit my water all over the room and think I deserve a prize for that.

But - we were talking about how he's really stressed about his upcoming hernia surgery and she started modeling how to ask for help and modeling for me on how to respond to him appropriately.  So ultimately he said something and every single thing that popped into my head to say - I was completely sure he wouldn't like.  So I told her I had no idea what to say - so she took over and OMG - I had no idea what the hell she was saying.  She was basically just going through the .... repeat back to someone what they say, but in your own words.  Which Brad responded to really well.  So - it wasn't so much asking for help as it was... wanting to talk about something that was hard and I can certainly do that. 

But then he used how I reacted about his neck surgery five years ago as a “perfect example of how un-empathetic I am”  His only memory of that time is how I kept pressuring him to not delay the surgery any longer so it wouldn’t screw up my birthday party.  Okay – I have no idea what he’s talking about, but let’s go with it, shall we… I am a tasky girl I can easily see myself worrying about the schedule.

Ultimately we have this exchange about this topic;
Me: tell me how this is the perfect example of something bad about me.
Dan: you were so concerned about your party that you didn’t care that I was scared to death.
M: From my vantage point you were reacting to that upcoming procedure the same exact way you reacted to anything medical done – the sky is falling.
D: I am a hypochondriac (smiling)
M: ya think?  But, how was I supposed to know that this time was different for you?
D: (angry) How could you not know?  It was a big deal.
M: It’s not how I reacted to my back surgery.
D: BUT I’M NOT YOU!!! (still angry)
M: and I’m not you and I can’t read your mind.  Can you allow for the possibility that I saw you reacting the same way you react to everything else medical and went with that?
D: BUT YOU DID FIGURE IT OUT. (as if this proved his point)  You figured out I was really freaking out and you got the surgeon to tell me how serious it was in a way I would hear so I’d get the surgery and stop looking for crazy alternatives around the country.
M: okay, so I did figure it out.  I did pay enough attention to determine that this was different for you?
D: yes
M: but you still only look at this as a perfect example of how un-empathetic I am?  Can we look at it another way?  How many times have I ever wanted a party for myself in the 20 years we’ve known each other?
D: (quietly) once
M: how many times do I turn 40 in my life?
D: once
M: is it possible that having the party was important to me and that your attendance at the party was important to me.
M: is it possible that’s because I made sure it was scheduled early enough to make sure that happened?
M: is it possible that I could have interpreted your not wanting a medical procedure – delaying it for months and months – which is your normal go to reaction to any medical procedure big or small, was not being supportive of something I had indicated was important to me – something I have never ever once asked for before or since?
D: yes, it’s possible.
M: Do you know what I remember about my back surgery?  The only thing I remember. 
D: that I fucked something up
M: that when I was scared and telling you that if I died to make sure the kids know me – make sure they spend plenty of time with my sister (who’s like me) and I told you I loved you that you didn’t say it back.  That you didn’t tell me you loved me when I needed to hear it most.  That’s my only memory
D: That’s a crappy memory to have to have
M: it is, but I don’t hold it against you.  I’m not angry about it. 

Of course I was crying by this point and I’m skipping lots of drama that existed in and out and around this conversation and really I’m condensing a few conversations into that one.  There was also yelling and storming in and out and more crying and harshness and all manner of unpleasantness – can we see why I hate Tuesday’s??? 

We went on to talk about how non supportive he is to me and I gave him examples – like my back surgery – it’s not that he didn’t love me, we tell each other we love each other a bunch of times every day.  He just didn’t tell me at that moment when I really needed to hear it because he was focused on other things; his fear, the schedule – how long would surgery take, who had the kids, his fear, where would he be, when could he see me again, who was going to come talk to him and probably most of all his fear.  He wasn’t focused on me.  On how scared I was, on what I needed while I was scared.  There were other examples and he heard them and when all was said and done

I do that kind of thing well I think and I think he’d agree with that.  What I don’t have are the flowery words or style that highlights my doing it.


When all was said and done it turned out well.  I think we moved forward not backwards.  We’re still feeling close and connected to each other – and I suspect each time we have one of these awful interactions it teaches him (and me too) that big emotions and chaos or whatever does not mean the end of the world – it just means big emotions and chaos.

Monday, December 5, 2011

BYOC - does anyone care that I'm doing it on Monday and not Friday???

It’s Friday so it’s time for Draz's BYOC – Bring Your Own Crazy! We answer a few questions in order to get to know each other better and to give our blogging brains a break! Copy to your own blog if you wish and ENJOY!

Let’s do a little themed version of where you live and why!
1. Describe the structure you live in. (apartment, condo, house, mansion, cardboard box?)

I live in a very suburban 4 bedroom home.  Here it is all lit up for Christmas.

I love you all and hope you're all well!!! 
2. Describe the city you live in. (population, main attractions)

I live in a Suburb between Baltimore and DC – it’s closer to Baltimore.  It’s got an extremely cute and quaint downtown that people flock to for its cute stone fronted shops, antique stores, and lovely little restaurants.  It’s also got really good schools so people flock to the area for that reason alone.  We’re very lucky to live here.  I just had to google our population as I didn't have a frikkin clue - it's 56,397 - and once a quater when Ricky is here for a month it's 56,397 and a half.
3. Why do you live in the town you live in? (job, to get away from a different town, family, schools?)

I’m a bay sticker – meaning I can’t live too far from the Chesapeake bay or I start to get hives.  Though I do now live in a land locked county and I’m still struggling with that decision.  We moved here because of the schools and to our house specifically because it’s as close to my job as possible while staying in the county we live in.
4. What’s the view like from your backyard?

Lots of trees.  We back up to a state park and the trees hang over our deck – often giving the squirrels or occasional snake an easy entrance ramp to come visit.  Every so often we have to trim back a branch here and there to make it a little less easy for our visitors.  Though Bandit does love to sit by the window and wait for the squirrels to come and try to eat the bird food.
5. Repeat question: How has your week been in blogland and in real life?

This was a really, really good week for me.  (a little extended as I’m doing this on Monday instead of Friday).  We had our annual Christmas party this weekend and it was probably the best one we've ever had.  There was just a really fun vibe all throughout the whole night.  Blogland??? hmmm - well I pretty much suck - I pretty much haven't been here at all.  In my defense I had 80 people to my house on Saturday who were all well fed and happy so hopefully that gives me a bit of a pass for the week!!

Tuesday, November 29, 2011

More amusement from my husband's classy family...

My husband's monther is a bit insane as you all well know.  She requires a lot of work and attention - I think of it as constant entertainment.  Though she can make a fair amount of decisions herself, if left to her own devices she would forget to take her medicine and try to do too much resulting in injury, or just get lost - of course all of these things happen anyway - but we all do what we can do.  My husband has two sisters and luckily for everyone one of them, D, who is a nurse has been willing to let Ricky live with her for a number of years; in a little MIL house thing on her property.  My husband and I couldn't be more thrilled by this because that leaves her up in NY most of the time, but to take the pressure off of D we bring her down here for roughly a month at a time every quarter-ish.  The other sister, B, is the baby of the family and is very typically the baby.  Actually she and Ricky are very much cut from the same cloth as the world revolves exclusively around each of them and only them.  Both totally harmless, but those traits are much more tolerable in a 68 year old woman than a 38 year old one.  So under duress B helps out too, but it's usually when she needs a babysitter (God help her children) or has received enough pressure to take Ricky to a doctor's appointment because D just can't fit this one in her schedule too.  And through it all she complains bitterly about how she is tired and has too much to do and whatever and my husband and D both roll their eyes at her - I suspect D gets into it with her from time to time, but my husband hasn't even once probably since he graduated from college.  He, however, doesn't take any of her drama, which I'm confident B doesn't like.  Anyway... this is the history of my husband's family and yesterday he got this email from B's husband.  It's just so classy I had to share!!!

Dear (Read's husband),
I emailed you because I don't know your phone number off hand and I don't want my wife to know that I'm doing it. 
Over the years, I have kept my mouth shut when you have had "discussions" with B.  It was not easy to do so.  She is your sister and I tried to mostly stay out of it.  However, I'm done with that now.  I have kept my mouth shut many times while you have belittled her, insulted her, patronized her, and talked to her in a generally nasty way.   I know she may be a pain sometimes, but I'm tired of her being upset by you and your sister D. 
I could give a shit if you don't like me or not or whether I get invited to you or D's little silly get-togethers but my wife is very sensitive about these things.   One of the reasons I never go is because of the way you and D treat her.  If you were anyone else, let me be clear about this, if you were anyone else and you talked to my wife the way that you do, I would have kicked your ass a long time ago.  I am so tired of the mounds of guilt that you and D throw B's way constantly about your mother.   I'm sorry that your Mom is not doing well.  Let me tell you something though, my mother is actually in much worse health and in much worse shape--but that's not B's responsibility nor her or my first responsibility.  Our first responsibility is to our children and our family. 
B goes out of her way to try and help and be with her mother because she loves her.  I am so tired of the awful things that you and D say to her about what she doesn't do.   Her mom lives an hour from us.  She gets up to see her on average of about once a week.  That's quite a bit.  That's also time that is taken away from our responsibilities right now--and let me tell you--we have plenty.   In addition, your mother calls my house on average, on average of six (6) times a day.  The phone calls have been going on for years--even before your mom's health got worse.   I tolerate it though.  What I will not tolerate anymore is you being disrespectful to my wife.   I don't care that she's your sister anymore.  If you can't talk to her with respect the way that you would want your wife to be treated, then keep your mouth shut and don't say anything.   Which brings me to your wife.  Now, as I've stated, I don't give a shit if you or D, or your wife like or talk to me or not--it doesn't make one iota of difference to me.  As I mentioned though, my wife is very sensitive to these things.  Now, for some reason or another, your wife isn't talking to my wife and de-friended her on facebook.  What kind of shit is that?   How petty and awful that is.  If you had any balls, you would tell her such and tell her to be respectful of your sister--who is nothing but sweet and kind to her.  
I've said my peace.  If you have anything to say, email me back or call me on my cell phone.  Don't talk to B about this.  It's bad enough I had to take time out of my day for this but I am tired of seeing my wife upset over petty family nonsense and a brother and sister who should be ashamed of themselves.   Pass this on to your sister D too.  
Don't you all wish you had family like this...

Friday, November 25, 2011

My blessings are many…

Since the day after my surgery back in July 2010 through the vast majority of 2011, it’s been the worst stretch of time in my adult life I guess maybe my whole life as being a kid didn’t suck too bad.  But that same period of time has been the richest of my life as well.  I have been so blessed in that time and I don’t think I spend enough time counting my blessings. 
I am not the winner of the star bandster prize for shear weight loss but as an emotional eater, I think coming through these 16 months being 40lbs down instead of 50lbs up is miraculous and without the band there’s no way that’s true.  There’s light and hope and promise in my life right now and I’m hoping that can help me concentrate on my weight loss goals in the coming days, weeks, months.  So I feel very blessed to have this tool inside me that’s helped me weather this storm without the absolutely certain weight gain I otherwise would have had.
This community is truly an amazing blessing.  I set out hoping to find a few blogs that could maybe help me learn more about this little thing I had put inside me since I have an idiot for a doctor.  I’ve some how lucked into not only finding the information I was looking for, but also finding some of the most amazing women I’ve ever met in my entire life.  I’ve been blessed with lots of new friends people I could go and have gone to visit all over the country and the world.
In addition to this amazing community as a whole, I’ve met a few specific people with whom I feel so tremendously connected that I can’t remember my life without them in it and I can’t imagine what my life would be like without them in the future. 
I’ve worked hard this year to remain open to the universe ready to accept the lessons I’m to learn.  I do truly believe this part of my journey has been far more important than my current weight loss efforts and it’s that certain belief that’s kept me sane about the rest.  I think this year has been about emotional development and as Farrah just said tonight “sometimes you can just only do so many mental things at a time” and I’ve had a lot of balls in the air that take up way more than their fair share of my pitifully inept emotional energy.  I’ve met some amazing people this year that I not only connect with because they are fun and funny but who also happen to be far, far, far more emotionally wide opened than I am and I have learned so much from them.  I’m still far from where I think I need to be, but these emotional lessons I’m learning have been blessings heaped upon blessings, and the fact that these amazing people are ready, willing, and able to keep being right there with me as I continue to try to learn more to try to become more open emotionally, more able to appropriately access my emotions is the biggest blessing of all. 
I don’t know what I must have done in some past lives to have been rewarded with these amazing new friends this year, but I’m damn glad I did.  To find open minded, beautiful, emotional people who accept you for you who are, who can laugh with you and cry with you, sing off key with you while very drunk, and still accept you for who you are every bit of it and more than that love you for who you are flaws and all - It’s a damn beautiful thing.
My family is a blessing.  I have two amazing boys who remind me every single day what true beauty is.  They are fun and loving and smart and mischievous and funny and witty and flat out insane and I couldn’t imagine anything better than knowing how much they love me every single day.  I have a husband who loves me, who wants to figure out the road back together, who’s working hard to make that happen.  I have a wonderful sister who loves me and supports me no matter what. 
My friends who have known me for years continue to bless my life each day with their love and support.  I don’t know how I could have survived this past year plus without the people who’ve known me all along who have been able to remind me who I’ve been all this time what I’ve wanted all this time.
And then there’s Farrah who probably fits in all the categories above.  She has a band and has answered countless questions.  She’s certainly family.  She’s wide opened emotionally.  I don’t have the language for emotions and she’s been my translator countless times she translates easily between Read and emotions - or Read and others where emotions are involved.  She absolutely loves me no matter what I do, who I am, what I whine about she can’t help it because I’m fabulous, of course.  But she’s that person in my life who knows where all the bodies are buried.  She knows me.  I was going to write further about that but that’s it.  She knows me.  And she loves me.  She has an open and flexible mind ready to hear me out, ready to tell me the hard truth if I need to hear it, ready to go behind my back to point my husband in the right gift direction.  Ready to laugh at me or with me, or both whatever might be appropriate.  And I truly can’t remember my life before I met her and there’s no way I could imagine my life without her in it.  It would be a dark and lonely place.
So here’s to the next year.  I hope to be able to move forward with my weight loss but if instead I continue to move forward with my emotional development I’ll absolutely consider myself truly blessed and successful. 
I thank each and every one of you who has given me pieces of yourselves this past year, I hope to continue to earn your love and trust as you have already earned mine.  Mine is a truly blessed life.

Monday, November 21, 2011

Could my dreams be coming true???

You all know just how much I hate love my dog, right???  Well tonight I came home to this mess...

Do you think it's safe to start celebrating???

Friday, November 18, 2011

BYOC!!! Bring Your Own Crazy!!

It’s Friday and that means it’s time for another installment of Draz’s BYOC! That’s Bring Your Own Crazy!! We answer 5 questions in an effort to get to know each other better and to give our blogging brains a break! Copy and paste to your own blog if you so desire – and ENJOY!

She did a Thanksgiving themed BYOC this week (it was Jenny’s idea)!

1. What is your FAVORITE part of Thanksgiving?

The production, absolutely the production!  I love all the smells and the cooking and trying to time everything so it’s all done at the right time.  The small talk, the football, the crazy family stuff.  And grandma’s stuffing – that smells, tastes, is thanksgiving to me.

2. How many Thanksgiving family events will you attend?

Not a one!  Last year we were in Disney World with Mickey and this year we’re staying home just the four of us.  Though I did invite our neighbor’s to join us yesterday when I was on a field trip with Jason.  I think we’ll still do the whole thing, but we’ll see, maybe we’ll just order pizza. 

3. What’s your biggest Thanksgiving tradition?

Um… I’m not sure we have one.  Other than Grandma’s stuffing, and her broccoli cheese casserole.  So… just food!

Then we immediately go back to decorating for our Christmas party which is always the following weekend.

4. Do you Black Friday shop the day after Thanksgiving?

No.  Fucking.  Way!  You could not pay me enough to go out on that day!  Even getting our tree which we often do, just so we have the maximum time to get it all decorated before the party, totally sucks the life out of me.

5. Repeat question: Summarize your week in real life and in blog world.

Real life – hmmmm.  Definitely up and down.  Husband has been in CA all week and now he’s in Vegas for a couple of days of fun – he’ll be home late Saturday night.  So, of course I’m tired of being alone with my cute not-so-little kids.  There were baked goods to make, basketball practice to attend, a field trip to attend, an amazingly stupid production for ‘international day’ that nearly had my eyeballs fall out of my head.  So there was some serious stress going on in there.  The upside of that stress, though, is that for the first time in my life I was totally feeling it appropriately.  I’m such a closed off person emotionally that I just can’t touch or be touched by emotional things in lots of profound ways – but this week when I was stressed, I felt it.  My muscles were tense, my heart was in my throat, I was nauseated, I couldn’t eat for a few days.  It was awesome!  We’ve crossed most of the hurdles and much of the stress has abated – though, there’s always tomorrow, right.

But I can say that yesterday’s field trip to DC was totally fun!  We went to the Capitol and the US History Museum.  The museum was fine… eh.  But, I hadn’t been to the Capitol since I was a kid and that was totally cool!  We toured the building, had a great tour guide, learned tons and got to watch the Senate for a while.  Senator John McCain from Arizona was speaking which was totally cool.  First to speak while we were there was Senator Carl Levin from Michigan – he was really just reading their bill into the record and his tone was extremely dry.  McCain was far more animated (which of course tells you something about the animation level of Levin) and it was great to be able to tell the kids that the man they were seeing talk had run for President during the last election.  But.. really the building itself, the history that surrounds it – it’s just completely awe-inspiring.  I’m so lucky to live in such an amazing country.  Just one more thing to be thankful for!

Blog life – well… uh… I sort of suck.  I’ve just been too consumed with the real life stuff to barely get over here.  I’m hoping to catch up this weekend in between more Christmas decorating.

I hope everyone has a brilliant Thanksgiving!!

Tuesday, November 15, 2011

A little life contemplation...

Hi all...

How's it going?  I was going to do some more blogging prompts but I find myself sitting here with my head in my hands contemplating the meaning of life - so perhaps I'll start there.

Okay - maybe not the meaning of life but the future of my marriage.  See... the rest of the world knows my husband as St. Dan, the husband all other husbands are measured against (I kid you not).  But you've all mostly only heard about how suckish he is.  And both parts are true.  He's a good an honorable man - but he sucks at emotions and connection worse than I do and that is seriously saying something.  And I'm at a place in my life where I want and need and demand emotions and connection.

The truth is - I've changed, not him.  And so far he can't keep up.  For a long time he wasn't willing to even try and was, in fact, completely angry that I'd even suggest needing something from him beyond being a good guy who can keep our schedule extraordinarily well.  I need love and connection and emotions and trust and the safe place to come home to - the place that is warm beyond all others.  The problem is - he's got no idea how to give me any of that - in fact, I'm not sure he even knows what that means.  But there's a bigger problem.  I've been the one doing all the work for so long... where I reach out to him and he slaps my hand away, mad that I would bother him in such a way.

I've gotten amazingly stubborn - completely refusing to do anything else.  I can't be the one that reaches out anymore.  I can only bang my head against a wall so many times - and I passed that number a long time ago.  But... and here's the bigger problem...  It's just occurred to me that we might be at an impasse - at the least we have a serious problem.

1) I'm not sure he's capable of doing anything.  He's not sure what to do.  He's not sure what I want.  He has no idea how to give it to me even if he did understand it.  He's deathly afraid of failure - enough so that it keeps him from trying sometimes.

2) I don't think I trust him enough to hear/trust/see/feel whatever he might do.  My walls towards him are big and thick.

Don't get me wrong - we're getting along pretty damn well at the moment - but I don't think I'm in a position to really hear anything from him if he could figure out something to do and I don't think he's really in a position to actually do anything anyway.

So if he can't do anything.  And even if he could I couldn't hear/see/feel it.  We're dead in the water.

It turns out - I really want to save my marriage.  And being dead in the water seems like a zero sum gain.  Which means I might just have to break down and do something again.  Of course that scares me too - cuz - really how many times can you reach out only to have your hand bitten off?

But...  I was reading something I'd written a few years ago about how we'd had the best year of our marriage ever - this was 2008-2009.  That's not that fucking long ago.  How did it go from being the best year ever to being the worst??  Lies... hands being bitten off... more lies...

But... what I was writing about - the thing that was working was just a subtle shift by me.  Giving him more power - letting him lead - asking his opinion more.  Nothing earth shattering - it was little stuff and I remember the benefits far outshining the effort by either one of us.  I so don't trust him with me right now - but maybe... just maybe I can give this a try.  It seems pretty low risk and my memory along with what I wrote about it says the payoff was really good.

So there you have it - no writing prompt tonight.  Just a little life contemplation.

Sunday, November 13, 2011

A slow and low day...

Man!  I suck at this NaBloPoMo stuff... It's not for lack of desire, I swear it.  I'm just an idiot sometimes.

I went out with my friend Jen last night and man was that a much needed evening!  I've known her for... hmmm, a long time.  Since before I got married.  So, I guess, pushing 20 years ish - of course, we met, and I got married, when we were very small children.  Anyway - she knows me so very well, and has known me for such a long time over the highs and lows of life.  Our marriages, our kids, the insanity of our in laws; we've shared it all.

She knew me way back when, when all my emotions were all blocked off.  She was there when I was suffering with depression.  And she's watched me come into my own with respect to really owning who I am; including all the parts of my personality - and wanting to learn to express and own my emotions too.

And because we've watched each other grow and learn for all these years, there's just not much we can't or haven't talked about (if anything).  So we spent 5 or 6 hours drinking and talking about what's going on in our lives and the emotions involved and what there is to learn from this and that.  All the while, of course, laughing and having fun.  It's always so nice to reconnect with her and I have no idea how or why we let life get in the way of keeping more closely connected.  OH... And we're talking about going to Jazz Fest again in 2012 - Yippee!!  I love NOLA!

But then today..... having nothing at all to do with Jen - I'm in a mood.  Do you ever have those days where despite your best efforts the world is spinning out of your control?  Where you think things are going isn't the case?  That the plans you made for your day, just don't pan out?  Today has been one of those days - top to bottom.  I can't say I was hung over, because I wasn't really - but I'd had plenty to drink last night and I don't know about you, but I never sleep well when there's lots of alcohol churning around in my body.  So... while I got some things accomplished it was a very slow day.  And then of course when I went to feed the dog I discovered there was no dog food.  Guess who fed the dog last?  It wasn't even one of the kids - it was Dan.  Did he bother to do anything about it - or even to mention it.  Uh, that would be a nope.  And can we guess where he is??  In California.  So the downside was I had to go out when I was busy being a lump - but the up side was it was a beautiful day here in MD and I got to drive to the store with my top down - yay!  So maybe I can say he gave me a little gift - the gift of a nice drive with fun music with the top down in November.  There aren't that many left in 2011.  (Dear husband - if you are reading this and think it's okay to offer me a "your welcome" for your little gift - think again :) )

And then - every person I spoke to today (except Farrah) has said or done things I wasn't expecting - at least not on my 'I just want to be a lump' day.  When I'm here at home alone for a week - with no one to even bounce things off of.  I think my brain is too muddled to handle things today and as you all know - I truly and profoundly hate drama.  Of course my solution was to break out the wine.  Wine makes everything more clear (that's true, right?).

And speaking of Farrah - that poor thing was stuck in Laramie, WY for a long time today.  She and her family were trying to drive back home to Bum Fuck, WY from Denver but discovered the roads were closed.  Then they were opened.  Then they were closed again - all due to high winds blowing the snow across the roads.  (man am I glad I don't live in WY).  They got stuck there last night and were able to spend the night at a friend's house - but then headed out today only to have to turn back.  I haven't heard from her in a few hours (which does not make me happy at all) but when last we texted they were heading home at 5 mph.  I sure hope they make it soon!!!

Thursday, November 10, 2011

Christmas decorating has officially started...

It's official... the madness has started.  A couple of weeks ago Husband brought the boxes of stuff in from the garage so I could begin to begin... but it took me until this evening.

Here are a couple of pictures of the boxes filling the living room before I started..

Step 1 for me is always to empty out all of the boxes and put everything out and then I decide what to put where.  So here's some of the stuff I emptied out tonight...

Wednesday, November 9, 2011

Back to the writing prompts...

I do think these are fun - but I also sort of feel like I'm cheating - but I am not willing to skip two days this week so...

Which quality best describes your life--exciting, organized, dull--and why?  Can I say all of the above?  How could it not be exciting with all the running around I do - soccer this, football that, now it's basketball too, husband's in and out of town... it's always new and exciting around here - Then of course there has to be a certain amount of organization or none of it would be possible.  Husband keeps our calendars straight so that's his part of the organization of our life but he sometimes forgets some of the peripheral stuff - like have the kids eaten, or do they have water at practice, or will they need a coat or an umbrella?? - this is my piece.  And dull - well duh.  We go to work, come home, get homework done, go to practices, games on the weekends - lather, rinse, repeat.  blah, blah, blah.

Why is it important to be honest?   I think it's vital to say the important things honestly no matter how hard they are.  You only have one life and you need to be able to stand up and hold your head high and know you are being truthful.  Life is just too short to settle for things that aren't fulfilling to you in all ways - and I truly believe the only way to do that is to be honest - with yourself and with others.

What is something you do well?   I just asked Jason what was something I did well and he said "paint" as in draw and sketch things.  uh... I can copy things pretty well - I can certainly draw well enough that you'd know what I was trying to draw - but... that's about it.  It's good to be loved by your kids!

What would happen if there were no television? Why would this be good? bad?  Well, despite the fact that I'm sitting here watching the country music awards right now - I don't watch that much TV - I'd be perfectly fine if I could never turn it on again.  I bet childhood obesity would go down - and wow, isn't that a profound thought - could that one thing really have that big an impact - but I kind of think that yeah, it really does.  It's not the only reason, of course, but still - I bet it would reduce that awful statistic.  So it would be good!

What do you think the world needs now?  Peace, love, happiness and health - not necessarily in that order.

Tuesday, November 8, 2011

Where does the pee come out of if there's no penis?

Drazil's post today has totally inspired this one so be forewarned!

Once upon a time I was driving my cute little Tommy around - he was probably 6ish, but that's a total guess.  And he had recently walked in on me going to the bathroom one too many times... where it finally truly occurred to him that I did not have a penis (I guess maybe he was a bit younger??)

Anyway we're driving along and thank the heavenly lord above he's in the backseat so he could not see my face, but the conversation went something like this.

Tommy: Seriously, you really don't have a penis?

Me: Yup, girls don't have penises, only boys do.

Tommy: okay - but where does the pee come out?  It's got to come out somewhere.  (did I mention that Tommy is a little engineer in the making - he must understand how things work)

Me: There's a little hole down there, it's just not at the end of a penis.

Tommy: A hole?  Hmmmm.  Ridgely's a girl.  (Ridgley was our lab)

Me: yup, Ridgley's a girl (Okay, where is this going?)

Him: She has like a tiny little penis and that's where the pee comes out of, right.

Me: (oh god) um.. yup.. that's right, but it's not a penis.

Him: But so girls have something like that?

Me: uh... sure.  yeah, it's something like that, but not exactly - you know - most girls don't have fur.

Him: Okay, got it.  Can I see yours.

Me:  uh, that would be a no.  I'll see if I can find a picture for you.

That satisfied him.  Kept the car on the road and got him to school on time.  I never did find a book to show him.

Sunday, November 6, 2011

NaBloPoMo & a little NSV

So... I was totally struggling with coming up with a blog post today and then my friend Farrah helped me out as she so often does by linking to this site on her blog which lists a bunch of writing prompts broken out in 10 topics.  I haven't yet looked at them, but I've decided to do the first one of each topic - or as long as I feel like it...

What is something you dislike about yourself?  I dislike how I don't always understand how best to communicate what I'm saying or what I'm feeling.  I talk about how "I missed that day" when people learned the nuances of communication, the non-verbal stuff, the tone of voice stuff.  So, it ends up that many, many people in my life are afraid of me - which to me is both hilarious and very sad.  I am confident and I own that.  I also own that I have a big personality - but I swear I try harder than most people to be nice to everyone and still I end up being the one that is seen as the bitch.

What would happen if you could fly whenever you wanted? When would you use this ability?  Fly?? I'm going to assume we're talking about the actual physical ability to jump off the ground and fly... Well shit, I'd use the ability all the damn time.  Going to work, rescuing kitties stuck in a tree, visiting my friends wherever they might be - cuz since this is my ability I'm going to also assume this means that travel would be superfast.  I'm sure I'd have to find the appropriate clothing to wear as I already get cold all the damn time so I can only assume it would be way worse while flying around at superfast speeds all the damn time.

What do you think of 3D movies?  Well... I think they can be really cool but I think recently the use of them has gone way overboard.  Just because something is 3D doesn't mean it's going to be cool - but certainly some things can be cool by being 3D.  Though I really prefer things that are 4D.

What do you like most about yourself?  Seriously - I wasn't really into deep questions but I can't cheat and pick another questions since I said I was going to do the first one of each.  I am, however, totally going to cop out.  (insert smiley face here)  I love my curly red hair and my big green eyes.

How do you feel when it's your birthday? Why?  Uh... you mean when it's national celebrate me day???  Um, I like it, what's not to like?  I can make my children do anything I want (cuz it's my birthday) (and not that they don't do what I want the rest of the year too - but the little game we play is fun).  My husband usually does a whole birthday week thing with presents every day for a week.  That's a damn lovely thing - though I will say it makes me feel inadequate as I'm just not as good as the birthday week thing for him.

I wish I had a million... Then I would...  pay off all my debts, first and foremost my mortgage.  Well, I suppose I don't have much other debt than my mortgage, but I'd pay it off and any other that we have and and then deal with the whatever is left to do for college for the kids.  Anything beyond that would be put away.

When you are angry, how do you look?  Well... unless you know me exceptionally well and there are very, very few people who fall into this category... I look exactly the same as when I'm happy, or sad, or frustrated, or whatever.  It is something I am totally working on.  I want to more transparent, though I will say that it's a good skill to have.

Okay - I'm done with those.  I'll definitely come back to that site and do more - there are some interesting ones there.

The little NSV...  Earlier today I was eating a little bit of cheese and crackers.  And I got that feeling in the back of my throat... you know, the one I know means I've had enough... the one I usually completely ignore.  And I immediately packed up everything and put it away.  Now if I can just keep doing that!

Saturday, November 5, 2011

It's over... phew

So I completed the 5 day pouch test yesterday.  I cheated then too - so... if you're looking for a pouch test role model, I'm not your girl.  Yesterday I took my chicken breast to work and only had a chance to eat some once throughout the day so when I got home I was starved.  I took the rest of the chicken I'd brought to work and added some.... wait for it... Gorgonzola to it which I then warmed up so it got a bit melty and then I added a bit of low fat sour cream as well... It was very good.  The problem wasn't so much in what I ate as in how much I ate and how quickly.  Did I mention I was starved??

Well.. whatever, it's over now.  And frankly I feel great.  I really feel like my head is in a good place again and we'll move on from here.  And seriously if the way I cheated for any of the five frikkin days was by adding a bit of cheese or some low fat sour cream - yeah, well... so sue me.  I've got gobs and gobs of Halloween candy in my house and I've not had a single piece.  Well.. that's not totally true.  Before Halloween I had a few kit kat bars, but that was last Sunday.  And again... even that wasn't that bad.

Today we went had basically simultaneous games; soccer and flag football.  They were actually staggered by a half an hour so I was able to drop the 13 year old off in time for his game and then get the 10 year old to his game on time.  As soon as we were done with flag football we raced home, picked up the 13 year old who was complaining of having been "seriously injured" he said this while walking around the house snacking on anything he could find.  Whatever serious injury he incurred didn't seem to be affecting him all that greatly so off we went to watch our dear friend get honored at the half time game from her high school as she's being inducted into their hall of fame.  I know she absolutely LOVED me and the boys coming so I was so glad we were able to make it up there before half time.

Now we're back home and the boys have gone to a friend's house to play and I'm thinking of laying on the couch and reading a book or possibly falling asleep.. more likely both.

I hope everyone's having a fantastic weekend!!!

Friday, November 4, 2011

BYOC!!! Bring Your Own Crazy!!

Let’s get to what we came here for! (THANKS DRAZ!!!)

BYOC – Bring Your Own Crazy. A couple questions we answer to get to know each other better and to give our blogging brains a break. Copy and paste to your own blog if you wish! Enjoy!

Let’s do another themed BYOC…..this one will be called
“What’s In/On Your….?”
1. What’s on your desk between your monitor and keyboard? (if it’s a laptop – what’s on your desk in general)

Not one single thing.  It’s probably the only perpetually clean area on my desk.  I am often working on projects on my desk and not in my computer so I leave that area clear so I can move the keyboard all the way back to the monitor to give myself some clear desk space on which to work.
2. What’s on your mind right at this moment?

The fact that I have go to Wal-Mart and get 13 year old a new binder and the 10 year old some new socks.  I hate Wal-Mart – but they will absolutely have the specific kind of binder that I need so… sigh… there, I will go.  And that I’m a little annoyed that I have a bit of a headache.
3. What’s in or on your nightstand on your side of the bed?

2 alarm clocks (one if for the alarm and one is for the sound machine part of it), a couple of books and the directory to VIOS TV since we had Direct TV for so long.  I think the cover to my Kindle is also there.
4. What’s on YOUR Christmas wish list (let’s assume you’d get what was on it)?

I want this thing that I can’t remember what it’s called but it’s for making hot coco and other hot drinks – it froths them up – and it will be great for my chai latte each morning.  I’ve sent my husband the link and am fairly hopeful.
5. Repeat question: Summarize your week in real life and in blog land.

Real life – has been good.  I am less than 12 hours from successfully completing the 5 day pouch test and that’s always a good thing for my brain.  It helps me to remember I’m the one in charge, not the food or the emotions or anything else.  Also, I’ve gotten 2 of my 3 days of working out in with three days still to go (I’m including this evening in that count) to get the third one in.  I’m confident I’ll achieve that goal and hope to surpass it.  I’m looking forward to my little trip next week.  And am hoping to start decorating for Christmas this weekend.  The husband is out of town so soccer and football is on me this weekend which means a little extra juggling, so I’m not sure how much decorating I’ll get to, but I have high hopes. 

Blog life – has been fun.  I’m enjoying blogging more, which has me reading more – so it’s all good – I just love the positivity that flows between everyone’s blogs!!

Day 4 and I’m stupid

Day four is in the books and it was also fine.  I was getting a little board with all the protein, but yesterday was seriously yummy.  I brought some shrimp to work with me that I’d steamed and peeled the night before.  I ate it in three separate little meals and the first and third went okay, but the middle one – the great Linda curse reared its ugly head.  I think I had maybe three little shrimp before there was no way another bite was going to go down.  It wasn’t really any big deal, but still…

Then last night I did make my cedar plank salmon and OMG it was to die for.  One of my very favorite things to eat on any day!  I cooked it with a little garlic and chili infused olive oil, salt, pepper, and chives.  YUM!  And when it was done I totally cheated (as Gilly so helpfully pointed out) by sprinkling a little gorgonzola on top along with a bit of balsamic vinegar.  Also… I didn’t finish eating it in 15 minutes.  I couldn’t.  But there was no way I wasn’t going to finish it – so I waited a half hour or 45 minutes and then finished it off.  Man that was good!  I think I could eat that every night for the rest of my life and be happy!

While I was eating I was also cooking some chicken breasts to eat today.  Today is all about firm protein.  So I cooked some chicken breasts with some onions and a bit of the same olive oil and cut it all up and put some in some small containers to bring with me today.  And really… it’s all I’ll eat today.  As much of it as I want… breakfast, lunch and dinner.  Hopefully it’ll be yummy – it certainly smelled good!  And hell!  Maybe tonight I’ll put some gorgonzola on the chicken too??  (Can you sense my addiction to gorgonzola?)

Now on to me being stupid…

So… I’m a Ravens fan and a Redskins fan.  And I have a jersey for each to wear at the appropriate times.  Well… today is one of those such times.  All around the Baltimore area, Fridays during football season are Purple Fridays and people of all walks of life wear purple from CEOs to street walkers – it’s all about the purple today.  Which is a really fun thing to see.  I usually try to wear purple on Fridays and usually remember – but on the Fridays before the Steelers games I wear my jersey. 

I have an Ed Re**ed jersey, he’s number 20.  But I’ve had a mental block about whose jersey I have for all the years I’ve had it.  I know it’s either Ed Re**ed or Ray Ri**ce.  Both great players, whose jersey I’d be thrilled to wear – and no, the number never helps me despite my life time football fandom. 

So… every single time I wear the jersey inevitably someone who doesn’t know the Ravens all that well will ask me whose jersey I’m wearing (the name is of course on the back) and I always end up stammering or stuttering or guessing (usually wrongly) and going into the whole.. yes I know I’m a dork, but it’s either Re**ed or Ri**ce and I can never remember which one. 

Cut to today.  I have on the jersey and I’m in the bathroom and I take a minute to look in the mirror so I can see whose jersey I have on so I don’t later look like an idiot when someone asks me and it was only today.  I mean, seriously, I’ve had this fucking jersey for a few years now – and it didn’t occur to me until today that it’s Re*ed.  AS IN MY MIDDLE FUCKING NAME!!!  I realize it’s spelled differently.  But there’s no fucking doubt that I own the damn jersey because the name is the same as my middle name.  Whether I bought it or Dan bought it – either one of us would have bought it because it would be kind of fun that I sort of had my middle name on the back of my jersey.  And as you all are well aware – I use my damn middle name all over the damn place – all the damn time. 

I bet I won’t ever forget again.  Sigh.

Thursday, November 3, 2011

Day 3 in the books...

So... Day three is done and was successful.

I was right about it being hard to eat the cottage cheese.  The first one I had was no problem at all, but the second one... Oh my.  I had to eat it in two separate parts about an hour apart and even with that I didn't finish the little tiny container. I find it really surprising how it does feel like I get tighter as each day of test goes by.

For dinner I had some tilapia and remembered why I don't each much tilapia.  It was good and all... but.. eh.  I find it very bland.  The seasonings I cooked it with were really good, but the fish was just... like a place to put the seasonings.  My friend Farrah LOVES tilapia and is always cooking it, I figured I'd go with it - even thinking it was stupid that I hadn't had any in a really long time - I mean, seriously, I love seafood of all kinds.  So I went and got some, cooked it up as she suggested and... it was fine... eh.

Today, however, I get to eat shrimp and salmon.  YAY!!  So, even though Linda has completely ruined shrimp for me and I've gotten stuck almost every single time I've had it since the time she said "OMG, you can eat shrimp???  Most people get stuck on it!!" - I'm still really looking forward to giving it a try.  And tonight I'm going to cook a salmon fillet on a little cedar plank - YUMMMM!

And yes - I did cheat a bit yesterday too.  I was really hungry when I got home from work but had been drinking on my way home - but still... I nibbled on the rotisserie chicken that I'd just bought for the kids and it was seriously good.   But again - I'm not going to sweat the fact that I "cheated" by having a little poultry.... so sue me.

And I did get on the treadmill for 30 minutes.... so one down two to go on that front.

Have a great day!!

Wednesday, November 2, 2011

NaBloPoMo, Day 2, and a hair cut...

November is NaBloPoMo (National Blog Posting Month) where you are challenged to post every single day for the month of November.  So… I’m two for two so far!

Day 2 is in the books…

The first two days of liquids really wasn’t all that difficult.  I did cheat a bit – in the form of a gin & tonic the first night and some gorgonzola sprinkled onto my tomato soup last night.  But as I’ve still not had a single piece of Halloween candy, I don’t have the slightest problem with declaring the first two days an unqualified win.

For those of you looking for additional information about the pouch test please click here.

Now onto day 3. 
Day 3: Soft Protein
canned fish (tuna or salmon) eggs, fresh soft fish (tilapia, sole, orange roughy.

For days three – five I can eat as much as I want as long as I follow the rules.
  • No drinking ½ hour before or ½ hour after eating
  • Take no longer than 15 minutes to eat

In the past, when I’ve done this it has been surprising just how much harder it is to eat in 15 minutes.  I’m not sure what’s going on inside my body or if it’s all in my head, but I suspect that I will be able to eat the little things of cottage cheese (which is listed in the details as an option) I brought with me to work today, but I suspect I’ll have to work at it with at least one of them to get it done in the 15 minutes. 

Also – in the past I have found the not drinking for ½ before you eat part – very hard and it truly is something I think I should incorporate always as I think there’s something to a dry pouch that helps it work better. 

I bought some tilapia last night that I’ll cook for dinner tonight and it will be seriously yummy as I was just too busy last night and this morning to do anything more than throw some cottage cheese (which I love) into my lunch box and run out the door. 

And I’m planning on getting on the treadmill tonight!!

Last night I got a hair cut and here’s a picture, what do you think?

Tuesday, November 1, 2011

Day 1 - complete

Day 1 of the pouch test done.

For those who don’t know, days one and two are lower carb liquids.  According to the test, jello and pudding also count as long as it’s sugar free.  I did have a gin and tonic, which I don’t think is strictly on the plan, but it had been a hell of a day.  I did use diet tonic and I think the G&T was a significantly better choice than gobs and gobs of candy… of which I had exactly zero pieces.

I’ll keep you posted…

(in case you missed it - this is me keeping myself accountable, so thanks!)

Monday, October 31, 2011

Me and my band...

So… this is at least in part a blog about my lap band, right?  I’ve been remiss about that lately and that’s got to change.

I’ve gained weight in every challenge I’ve ever done, including the before Chicago one and I’ve only gained more since then.  I’m not talking thousands of pounds – but still… I am slowing trickling in the wrong directly vs heading steadily in the right direction. 

I’ve just gotten complacent – I can totally see how people fail with this thing.  At least for me – it’s never affected my hunger levels and I think it’s easy for me to say – waaaaa, poor me and ignore the things it does do for me.  It does not let me eat a whole pizza – most of the time.  it’s true that it takes big vacations and I have no doubt I could, in fact, eat a whole pizza some days – whereas other days I couldn’t eat more than a bite without getting stuck to high heaven.  And the number of days where I can eat way too much are much, much fewer than the days where the band says – uh… yeah, you should stop now.  The other thing it does for me – most of the time – is tell me I should stop eating now.  It’s the listening to that – that’s the problem for me. 

This weekend I had my normal chai latte and then went to work in the basement – I got tons done down there – it’s almost the lovely room I envisioned when we finished the basement – but at about 2pm I was STARVED!!!  I headed upstairs and for some strange reason decided I wanted a grilled cheese sandwich.  I haven’t had one of those in forever…. Years.  Anyway, I made myself one (with swiss cheese) knowing I probably wasn’t going to be able to eat more than a bite or two.  But nope.  I had no problem scarfing it right down.  Like seriously.  It was a sandwich.  There were 2 pieces of bread – with cheese in the middle.  Not one little problem.  But… you know what?  I know better than that all by myself. 

So… starting right now – I’m going to be talking a lot more about my band – and life with it.  I’m doing the 5 day pouch test this week which helps my brain remember that I am, in fact, in control of my choices.  And I’m committing to you all, here and now, that I will get on the treadmill at least three times this week for at least 30 minutes each time.  I’m starting slowly, with the hope of working up from there.  I’ve been totally sucking at the working out thing which is really annoying to me because I actually really like to work out.  So we’ll start slowly and work from there.

There you have it!
Happy Halloween!!

edited to add: I just ate some SF jello (on the pouch test) and I swear I had a hard time getting it down.  How can I have no problem eating a grilled cheese sandwich one day and have a hard time eating JELLO!!! the next???

Saturday, October 29, 2011

Ricky's extended family-isms....

So... Ricky's brother-in-law passed away shortly right before she left our house.  In fact, she ended up staying a bit longer and Dan took her to up state NY for the service.  He was married to Ricky's sister who passed away about 15 years ago.  She's remained close with the kids and had remained fairly close with him until he got remarried and his wife decided she HATED Ricky.  Obviously I get that Ricky can be annoying as hell on so many levels.  But she's almost not worth hating.

His name was Tony and he was a character to say the least.  He came to our wedding and flirted outrageously with my mother.  Every single time he talked to Ricky over the years he asked about my mom.  Ricky delighted in telling me over and over and over and over and over how he was sweet on my mom.  Then she'd go on to extol all the virtues of my mom.  Of course since I'm pretty anti - my mom, not to mention pretty anti - Ricky right now - I'm in no mood... but... this is not the point.

The point is Patty.  Patty is Tony's new wife.  Though I think new is the wrong word - I think they've been married for at least 5 years.  She's a treasure.  I've never met her and I'm kind of sad - I think she could have been some fodder for a whole hell of a lot of blog posts.  And... Tony's three kids... well, I have met all of them and well... they are all fucking bat shit crazy.  Seriously.  Crazy.

But anyway - Dan was really stressed about going to the service because there is always so damn much drama surrounding his family.  Early in our relationship I used to refer to his family as the 'black hole of negativity' (I'm sure I've said that here before at some point).  And being from that environment it's really easy to get sucked into the drama - which in turn sucks the life right out of you.  If I'm with him, it's a hell of a lot harder for him to get sucked in because of course they don't have access to any of my buttons and I just think they're all insane.  So I can just shake my head and say... uh, no thanks, I'll just take my paper cup of wine and go over here and people watch.

So I told him how I was a little disappointed at not being able to go as I knew it would be ripe with fun things to blog about.  I mean, seriously, how could it miss.  Of course, truly my hope was to distract him from his family's drama by giving him an assignment that would keep at least a part of me with him while he was there.  I asked him to write down notable quotes and if possible take some fun pictures for me to later blog about.

Unfortunately there were no fun pictures to be had.  Unlike the plethora of flannel shirts and holey t-shirts that showed up to his father's funeral - this was a different part of the family - really mostly the family of the in-law Tony - and apparently they remembered you should show some respect.  But... as it turned out..

Patty, the grieving widow, provided plenty of noteworthy quotes....

*God damn it, I forgot my tampax, coat, and my lighter

*I hate bras. This one is killing me.

*I met him at a pig roast.  Everything from bikers to farmers, he fit right in.

*I was dancing on stage, no bra, low cut shirt and he was waiting for my tits to come out.

*He popped a champagne cork in bed. (I'm not even sure what this one means)

*Met him and within a week, I was living with him.  Married new years eve.

(pointing at ~6 yr old picture) *This is the same outfit I am wearing today.  You can see how much I dress up.

And finally from one of the daughters, speaking of the grieving widow :

*I am hiding from Patty.  I hate that bitch


Dan's been gone for the whole week and has finally come home at about 8pm last night.

I yell down to the basement where Tommy is playing video games;

Daddy's home and he brought you some tacos.

Tom:  I'm not hungry for tacos, the other dinner filled me up (which is a first in recent times)


A half hour or so later
The house is clean -it happens rarely, but last night it was clean.  The floors had been washed - all was right in the world.

Jason is watching TV.  Dan is eating his late dinner and I'm doing a little clean up.  Tommy finally comes upstairs after finally being able to rip his eyeballs away from the video game.  He greets his dad and then makes himself a bowl of ice cream which is, in and of itself, pretty remarkable as his "I can do it all by myself" skills suck.  So... yay for him.  He goes to the freezer to get the ice cream, goes and gets a bowl.  Eventually had to get a spoon, go to throw something away then to the sink, then to the table to eat.  After a couple of minutes I look up and realize he has tracked little bits of dried mud to and from all the places he had just been.  He's wearing basketball shoes with little ridges that are creating these little rectangular bits of dirt.  There are very specific paths of dirt - up from downstairs, to the freezer, to the cabinets and drawers, to the sink and trashcan and it ends at the table where he's now sitting.

Me:  Oh man, Tom you've been tracking mud all over the place. (I point out all the tracks he's just made.  I'm not mad about it at all, he didn't mean to do it and I'm about to make him clean it up.)  When you're done your ice cream I need you to go get the broom and clean it up.

Him: OH. MY. GOD. (big, sorry-for-myself sigh) You don't even know that it was me!!!  It could have been Jason!


Now it's a new day and it's snowing here in MD.  Let me repeat that for you... It's snowing here in MD.  It's not snowing in WY where my friend Farrah is and frankly she's laughing at me.  But still... it's a new day.  And Tommy is being an annoying not so little teenager.  Especially to his brother.  Jason wants nothing more than to do what Tommy's doing and Tommy is doing the whole bait and switch thing over and over.  Tommy says he's going outside... so Jason gets ready to go too.  Then when Jason tells Tommy he's ready Tommy says - I'm not going outside it's pouring right now (the snow switched over to a nice rain/ice mix for a bit) and this is said with a perfect "you're an idiot" tone.  Like OMG what kind of freak would want to go out in this kind of weather.  That was the last one I was willing to hear so I call Tommy up to me where I'm typing this little blog about him.

Me: I have not liked your attitude all day today and it's still early yet.  You're making Jason crazy and you're doing it on....

Tommy: Mom, I have...

Me: ...purpose  (OMG I hate to be interrupted) KEEP YOUR MOUTH CLOSED WHILE I'M TALKING TO YOU. You keep telling....

Tommy: you're totally right

Me: ...him one thing and then doing another.  uh?  wait, what?  what did you say?

Tommy: you're right.  I'm not telling him the right stuff.  I'm changing my mind on purpose.  But I swear I haven't actually lied to him.

Me: (well knock me over) - Can you please stop that - it's just going to make him crazy and then mad and then frustrated and he'll be crying and there's no need to go there.

Tommy: yeah, I'll stop.  I'm sorry.

Me:  Okay, good.  And thanks.

Tommy turns to leave but stops at the door and looks back at me...

Tom: OMG - that was SO much easier!!!

Me:  I know, let's keep doing it like that.

Tom: (grinning) we'll see.

Maybe there's hope for him yet....