Monday, September 21, 2009

WI - first week on WW

I did it. A whole week on WW. It wasn't too hard, in fact it felt like I was cheating some of the time, I think it'll take me a couple of weeks to "get into" it as far as feeling more relaxed with it. I used 11 (I think) of my flex points. I was really shooting for hitting my points exactly and so for the most part I did that, going over a few here and there. I'm still feeling a little oddly nervous about not eating enough, though I'm sure that will relax as time goes on and I learn to trust in WW. I'd definitely like to get to the place where I'm certainly trying to eat all my points each day, but if it works out (especially on a work day where the kids have sports after school) that it's just easier to eat only prepackaged quick meals and I am fairly low on the point scale that I'm not going to worry about it - knowing that tomorrow is another day.

I lost 1.6lbs this week. On the one hand I'm really happy and proud that I've had a loss for four consecutive weeks - I can't tell you how long it's been since that happened. On the other hand I'm a little disapointed by the number. I feel a little gipped that I didn't get that 2nd weeks big-ish loss that you usually get when starting a new eating plan, though it has occurred to me that switching from fairly low carbs to normal regular food I probably gave back some of the water weight I'd lost, so the 1.6 might actually be better than I thought. In reality, when I decided to switch to WW I thought it was possible that I might gain the first week for just that reason so I should be happier than I am - probably.

The thing is, in the past when I've lost weight I usually average about 2.5 lbs per week over time and so to see only 1.6 so early, especially after the very odd start - well it just frightens me a little. It is no where near frightening me enough to want to stop or anything even remotely like that, but it does give me a little pause.

One thing that has always been true for me is that I find sticking to a plan easy. Seriously easy. But that only lasts for a while - maybe 4-6 months or so and then it suddenly moves from easy to impossible. There's almost no warning - it's just gone - like a switch flips in my brain. So this time around I'm looking for ways to .... mitigate that, prevent that, deal with that.... all of the above. One thing that is different is that I absolutely feel like I'm on the same path I started 3.5 years ago (January 2006) and to me that feels healthy, sure I might be nutso to say that, but I feel more like I've strayed from the path and now I'm finding my way back vs. having gotten off the path and gone in a different direction. I'm not sure if that makes sense to anyone but me. But somehow it feels different in a good way. Like it was still true that the plan became impossible for me, but I didn't give up, I've still struggled to get back there.

So as I'm thinking about the things I need to do to keep myself from veering so far off the path in another 6 months it seems I should be doing two things - 1) figuring out how to take advantage of my current state - my current ability to stick to a plan so effortlessly and do whatever I can to maximize my weight loss now - exercise more, learn more about nutrician more - that kind of thing and 2) really work, now, to come up with things that will help me when this suddenly becomes impossible.

On the number 1) front above I'm considering adding Alli to the mix. It's an FDA approved drug that keeps the body from absorbing some of the fat in your diet. It only works if you are eating a low calorie/ low fat diet and well WW certainly counts (well my version of WW does). It claims to boost your weight loss. I'm thinking of adding it, though I have heard that there may be side effects related to your liver, so I need to look into that as well. Again this isn't something I'd want to do forever, but it sort of feels like - if I can push myself now when I'm in this good place that it might help me in the long run - we'll see. I'm also trying to get back into the swing of serious exercise. I'm lucky in that I really like to exercise, but even liking it, it's hard to get back in the habit of it. I managed to stay in the routine of working out about 4-6 hours a week for more than a year, but it's probably been close to a year since I've been that regular about it but I've been slowly ramping back up and am hoping that too will help - both for the shorter run but of course also for the longer run.

On the number 2) front - One of the things I'm doing differently is this blog, and the blogtolose blog as well. I'm thinking more freely talking about this will help me in a couple of ways - one is that I've always been way too closed about myself and I think sharing the burdon is helpful for all involved and that certainly includes this. I know when I read others' blogs I get stuff out of it and I'm sure they do as well, both by getting their thoughts out and by whatever comments they might get in return. But I also think it will add a level of accountability - sort of like making a date with a friend to exercise. If I'm in the habit of talking about this stuff with someone then I'm hoping it will help me nip my future struggles in the bud before they become big huge impossible downward patterns.

I haven't yet decided if I'm going to keep up both of these blogs - I'm thinking not, but haven't decided which one makes sense for some reason. I feel a litte more free to say whatever I want here and more free to just rattle on at the mouth here, but I think there I'm more likely to connect with people and I think that's ultimately going to be the key. So I either need people to come here or I need to get over whatever it is that is keeping me from being more verbose over there and until then I'll probably keep doing both.... eh? we'll see.

Monday, September 14, 2009

this isn't working

I didn't weigh myself. I didn't go off plan. I didn't lose any weight. I'm at 219.0 this morning. Which is exactly what I weighed a week agoish. Starting today I'm going to try something different. Not yet sure if I'm just going to move onto the longer term version of what I'm doing which adds a salad w/lean protein each day or if I'm going to switch totally over to WW. I'm totally annoyed, but luckily not feeling hopeless. I don't want to give up, but boy am I pissed.

Saturday, September 12, 2009

No weighing for me

I just want to mark my progress - that I have been true to my word and not stepped on the scale. Frankly it doesn't feel like I'm losing anything. But I'm not going to be deterred. I don't know what's going on with my body, but we'll just see what happens on Monday morning.

Thursday, September 10, 2009

ok now this is getting on my nerves

So I've still continued to be very diligent about staying on plan and now I'm well into my period and all the residual water weight issues related to that should be over but still I gained .4 lbs today. I know that's not much, but it's 1.4 lbs down from one week ago today and this is the 10th dayish of a diet. I mean seriously. But what it really showed me more than anything else - is that this whole weighing everyday thing - that's got to be over. Because what creeped into my head was all kinds of negative little blips which I'm not going to go into because I don't want them in my head, but still....

So I have one goal for the rest of the week... to wait until Monday to weigh myself again. My little challenge for the rest of the week is that I'm having lunch out with my friend on Friday. My plan is to look at the menu in advance so I know what I'm going to order. She knows I'm trying to lose weight again and will be very supportive, but I don't particularly want to discuss the details of what I'm doing with her or anyone else at the moment. So I'll be picking something that is low in calories and carbs and high in protein. Can anyone say... grilled chicken salad or something close to that. I'll report back as to how I do on both of those things.

Wednesday, September 9, 2009

It's Wednesday and I've actually been below 220 for 2 days in a row, geesh. I've still not gone off plan at all and yesterday I'd lost the pound I'd gained the day before and then today I lost most of another one. Hopefully starting todayish my body will be done with whatever period caused issues it was having for another month and I'll do just fine this week. (you'll see I'm weighing every day this week too - but really that's just cuz last week was so odd).

Last time when I started on this most restrictive part of the plan for four weeks I lost 19 lbs during that time. I've been secretly hoping to make it an even 20 this time, though that first week's results makes that seem less likely, but we'll see. I worked out moderately last week and am kicking up the intensity and duration a bit this week towards my 20 lb goal. If I don't succeed, I'll be fine. I know I'm reaching a bit with it, but I'm going to see what I can do to work for it. 19 more days of this part of the plan. I can do that. I can work hard for that period of time. We'll talk about the next period in a couple of weeks. Also I wanted to see more than 10 lbs in two weeks of the plan (obviously needed to get to the 20 in 4 - but still). And I need 1.8 more from this morning to acheive that which I think should happen.

I'm feeling really good about my mental state as it relates to weight loss. It's all mental with me, I'm sure that's true with everyone, but I know it's true for me. And there are a few things in the rest of my life that are not going great - I'm annoyed and disappointed with my husband for instance - but it hasn't even remotely touched this part of me. I so love when I am in this place. It actually frightens me a little to right that last sentence as if I can and will jinx it. But I'm going to just keep plugging along one day at a time and continue to hope for the best.

Monday, September 7, 2009

Week 1 weigh in

So this could be considered week 2, because I am using my weight from two weeks ago (229.2) as the starting point, but that first week my only goal was to eat more human-like vs. starving ogre-like and I had plenty of food all in one week that are definitely not on my plan, most especially the first four weeks of it. Still I lost 1.8 lbs during that week of more human like eating to get me to 227.4 (which holy hell how did I let myself get back here - but that's a different topic) All that's to say that this weigh in is after one full week on my plan.

I am not a daily weigh-er, especially when I'm following a plan or just doing my best to eat and be healthy. For me weighing all the time can screw with me mentally, so I'm pretty good about not doing it - that said the first couple weeks of a program - well... I planned on weighing in every day the first week - it's fun to watch the numbers drop and I plan on weighing in 2 or 3 times during the 2nd week and possibly 2 times during the third, but that's it - then only once a week on Monday mornings. But this time - this first week - the scale didn't do what I expected at all. Follow along with my brain this first week, won't you...

Tues 224.4 - great - 3 lbs about what I expected, the water is leaving the body
Wed 221.8 - again great - love this first week
Thur 220.6 - still more than a lb in a day - great - I'm calm and just watching
Fri 220.4 - ok well the lb a day thing is over - it was fun while it lasted
Sat 220.6 - LOL I gained - kind of funny (not worried, I've not gone off plan and weight's vary)
Sun 219.8 - finally below 220; 3 days was getting old
Mon 220.8 - Really? Seriously? I gained a lb yesterday? Oh well.

I'm not really worried about this or freaking out at all but running around in my brain these last couple of days has been possible reasons. This first week I did not go off plan so the weight should have continued to fall off each day but it didn't why is that?

-Am I not getting enough cals? I mentioned before how I think I'm getting 80-100 less cals then the original plan with just the bars and whatnot, so maybe my body is going into that "I think I'm starving" state and is holding on to fat/weight at all costs - I guess that's possible but it seems unlikely to happen so quickly, and I've really been trying to add the calories each day and whether I didn't quite add them all or added too many - we're only talking maybe a 100 cal spread - like maybe 50 cal too few or too many. I've been extremely diligent and am not at all worried that I accidentally went way the heck over plan.

-Am I not getting enough water? I drink a lot of water, but I know a couple of days like yesterday I did not have enough liquid. And yesterday I probably did not have enough to eat either. I was prepping and painting a room yesterday - all day and while I ate every time my body reminded me I should, at the end of the day I was at least one "meal" short and I know I didn't get enough liquid yesterday. But generally I'm confident I've been getting enough throughout the week, just not necessarily all water.

-I guess it could be explained if I was about to get my period - I do retain a heck of a lot of water during that week leading up to it - but I'm about a week early for that and don't have the normal pms symptoms anyway.

-My body has just decided it likes being this weight and refuses to change. I've got a very powerful mind why shouldn't my body be just as stubborn?

Okay no idea why it's (as if my body is a separate entity from me) holding onto the weight - but hopefully it'll decide to let it go all at once one day and I'll be back in business.

Well it is what it is and I've decided that for this week, I'm going to write down everything I eat and just see if I'm missing something and actually eating way too much. I really know I'm not, but maybe I'm getting fewer calories than I should - regardless I'm going to write it all down and see what I see - maybe it will shed light on this 220 I am going to perpetually be.

The upside - serious upside - is that I'm fine with it. I know that this too shall pass. I'm not thinking okay it's not working so I should give up. This is the life long change - this is the time and it'll take however long it takes. Really I still have in my mind I started this more than three years ago; at the beginning of 2006 when I first started on this plan. I've just had a whopper of a setback, but even though I've gained a lot of what I lost back, I've still not really ever lost the long view - the confidence in where I'm going. If anything I've gained confidence; actually revising my weight loss goals downward. Oh and I've decided to do progress pictures. So today after I've colored my hair (which desperately needs it) I'm going to get my husband to take a picture of me and I'm going to update it at various milestones.

Okay .... I just went to the bathroom and guess what? I got my period. Hmmm. I'm not sure why it's early but hopefully that's the reason for the stop in weight loss after three days - we'll just have to see. (I just logged into my work computer to see when I got my period last month and guess what again - I'm only a day early so clearly my brain is just off altogether and now I'm thinking this has to be the reason - duh - sometimes I'm such a dork)

Saturday, September 5, 2009

the countdown(s)

Another thing I'm reproducing from the last time I did this is the countdown calendar. I found it helpful to have a goal in mind - sort of like a smaller chunk of time to concentrate on. It started right at the beginning because there is a "quick start" program that lasts 4 weeks during which you only eat "their" food and it works out to just under 900 calories per day. So I created a calendar where I could count down the 28 days. I remember the first time coming home with seemingly small bag full of every single thing I was going to eat for that first week and being very nervous about it. Mind you I know I said to myself "uh it's not like there's any danger of you wasting away in 7 days". As each calendar time was up I would look forward to some upcoming date and make a calendar to that - maybe my husband's birthday, or my own, or Christmas, or when I was going to see some old friends - and I'd count down - 35 days to go, 34 days to go, 33 days to go. On more than one occasion I'd think, well I know I can make it for 33 more days.

So this time I started right off with a date in the future, which is October 10th. That date is the start of a conference that both my husband and I work at for the weekend. We'll see lots of old friends and we'll be working at least 18 hours days and will be likely eating the sandwiches brought in and participating in at least 2 nice dinners. I haven't fully decided how I'm going to handle the weekend eating wise, but I have decided that from now till then I'm going to give it my very best shot. My calendar has a countdown within a countdown. The first 28 days I am doing a similar quick start program and so I want to count down to the end of that in addition to counting down till the conference. As of this morning, I had 23 days left of the quick start part and 35 until the conference. I can manage both of those, though it will be really great when the numbers move to the next set of 1o as in below 20 and below 30 - those are markers I can get behind.

As for my plan and progress it's been going good. Last time I was eating a combination of Medifast and Advanced Health System foods and a day consisted of 6 "meals"; 2 bars each 150-160ish cals, 4 "other things" of about 100-120 ish cals. For two of them I usually chose some soy based chip or pretzel but it could have been a soup or shake or a variety of other things, and for the last two you could have their version of fettuccine alfredo, or macaroni and cheese and they would equal 2 "other things" and it was about 220 cals. In addition to that I needed to eat 10 g all at once of fat (which last time was either a teaspoon of butter or some cream cheese - each 100 cals. Apparently this is for proper gall bladder function and very important.

So this time I ordered from Medifast a bunch of bars and I buy soy chips at the grocery store. My plan was to eat 2 bars (breakfast and lunch) and two little prepared baggies of soy chips (mid morning and mid afternoon) and then come home and eat one of the pasta meals I had left over and when they were gone I was going to find a replacement that was as close to the same nutritional makeup as I could find. The pasta were not from Medifast and I hadn't been able to find them online. I was able to find some Weight Watchers Smart Ones meals that meet my nutritional requirements, but if finally dawned on me - Why not see if my very assertive and more internet savvy than I husband of mine could get me a source of the pasta. It took him some searching and a phone call and an email but he found me a source and I've ordered them. They should be here on Wednesday which is none too soon, since I've already run out of my supply - I thought I had more... oops.

The problem I've not quite solved though is that I couldn't find the bars I had last time and the bars I got only have 110 calories instead of 160. Which means at the end of the day I'm 100 cals in the hole. On the one hand - ok that's good right - but on the other - I'm afraid of not getting enough and then having my body think it's starving and wanting to hold onto the weight for all it's worth. I haven't fully decided to just eat another bar each day, but I've been a bit liberal with some things. For instance I put parm. cheese in my pasta which has some cals but not many carbs. or I went "heavy" on my cream cheese.

The first 3 days as expected were the hardest but then my body figured it out and I'm doing okay. I've exercised 3 days at a moderate pace, just working up to a sweat before stopping. In the past I've found a relatively slow buildup to exercise has helped me not burn out and stay consistent for long periods of time. Usually I'm pretty anal about only weighing myself once a week, but the first week I've allowed myself to do it every day; and I lost almost 7 lbs in the first 3 days and nothing in the next 2. Part of me is worried about the "my body thinks I'm starving thing" but the bigger part of me feels like I'm eating really closely to what I ate before for the other first 4 weeks and am just going to see what happens. Maybe it's as simple as where I am in my cycle. I definitely think 5 days in is way too early to panic so we'll just have to see.


Monday, August 31, 2009

Day 1 - I've started

So the day arrived and I started. A couple of weeks ago I ordered some protein bars from Medifast as they were one of the two types of food I could eat when I was doing the most restrictive part of that old plan. So today I took 2 bars with me and put a serving each of soy crisps in 2 ziploc bags and threw it all in my purse and headed to work. I'm eating at the same regular intervals I did last time; 8am, 10:30, 1pm, 3:30, and 6pm. For dinner I have some left over Advanced Heath System pasta dishes which are roughly equal to two other meal replacement thingies and I had one of those. I am also supposed to have 10g of fat all at one time which is for gall bladder health. Though instead of that tonight, I had some steak that my husband had made. I remember that if I had to go off the plan for any reason that the most important thing was to stay in ketosis (or however you might spell that) so I spent the extra 100 calories on a bit of steak, complete with the non trimmed fat. Probably not the best choice, but not the worst either. I'll take it.

Also I updated my weight ticker, I gained weight in the last few weeks of summer over vacation and a general eating orgy so I updated it to reflect what I believe was my highest weight which I measured last Monday and then I lost 1.8 lbs this past week before I started the diet, just by eating more like a human, even though I still went to two different social events; including a 6 hour long fantasy football draft party with food out the wazoo!

I'm nervous about doing this, but am feeling really good about it. I have been having more and more moments of ... um ... I'm not sure what to call it - but a feeling I get where I feel in control of my life and my choices. Like I control what I do and what I eat vs. the food controlling me - and it's not just food - it's everything. I'm either in control or I'm a pawn in someone else's game - and I didn't get the rule book. I hate not having the rule book. I'm the kind of girl who reads the rules cover to cover and I've spent most of my life thinking everyone else had the read the book cover to cover and I couldn't even get a copy. But there are times I feel like I'm in control and know and understand all the rules - or better yet - don't care what the rules are because I'll make my own. Those are the times I'm at my most healthy.

Monday, August 3, 2009

My plan

Well - I've not been following what I said I was following in my last post. I have, however, been holding my own. I do fairly well during the week and not too awfully on the weekends and am managing to keep my weight in about a five pound range. I have a friend who's been much more successful at losing the weight this year, and it's been really helpful to have her to talk to about this. She's lost weight before and regained it and has now lost most of it again, so she really gets the hard part of this in a way not everyone does. I haven't seemed to be able to flip the page to the "I'm losing weight now" place, but am feeling pretty good about not being on the "I'm gaining weight" page.

It's summer and frankly as you all know, it's just plain hard to start losing weight in the summer; I'm really trying to cut myself some slack over that. Every single week we have some sort of event or often a variety of events to go to - and for me - it's just not working to get it started with all that temptation. Just this weekend alone - we had my company's crab feast on Saturday and the end of season swim team party on Sunday - oh and it's my son's birthday on Wednesday so there will be cake on that day as well as on Saturday for his party and then of course on Sunday for his best friend's party (the parents are good friends of our and we'll be there too).

The worst place for me to be mentally is in this awful cycle of.. eat poorly - feel like a failure - eat poorly for comfort - feel like a failure - etc. I'm not there and feel good about just that. I'm disappointed that I've not been loosing all this time, but it's more important to me that I not fall into a bad and destructive place mentally.

As has worked for me in the past - I've set a date in the future that is getting closer every day that I'm going to suck it up and do it. The date is the first day of the school year. I actually don't know the date, because I'm not looking at a calendar, but it's the Monday before Labor day; the last week in August. When I lost weight so successfully a few years ago it was through a supervised plan, but ultimately it was eating Medifast and another company's food - higher in protein and lower in carbs - not no carbs, but lower in that area. That worked for me, and kept me from being hungry. I've just learned that Medifast is not far from me and you can buy directly from them. I think you can do it online too, but I'm not sure.

It's my plan to start on virtually the same plan I was on a couple of years ago and work with that until I reach the halfway point or so - maybe a little further if it's still working and I'm not bored. But something I want to do this time, which is different, is I want to switch away from that and over to Weight Watchers when I still have 20 - 40 lbs to lose. I do think that the WW plan is a plan for the really long haul. The kind of thing you could do for the rest of your life. I am even going to find a meeting and go to it. Over the years I've been to a variety of WW meetings and have not ever gotten a damn thing out of the meeting part of it - other than torture - as in it's the price I have to pay kind of thing - and I guess somehow - paying that price sometimes keeps me in line. So I'm going to do it, so I can have a place - a public place - to weigh in on a regular basis.

A couple of years ago - I talked about setting up things for when I hit my goal weight that would keep me motivated to stay there. Like continuing to weigh myself regularly and having a range with the concrete knowledge that if I go over the high part of the range, then I will take immediate steps to jump back into "losing weight eating" vs. "maintaining weight eating". I never, however set up things for how to keep myself motivated - or at least willing to keep doing it - along the way, and I think this idea of switching to WW is one of those things - an along the way thing.

A coworker has gotten me a Medifast pamphlet and I'm planning on reading it and ordering the food and whatnot, so I have everything ready and waiting for me when that start date comes around. (Asking the coworker is a big step for me, it's a sign of how serious I am about this to let someone know I'm at least thinking along these lines). We go on vacation in a couple of weeks and then have a week home before school starts so that last week, I'll lay out my food in little daily groups. (that's something I did last time - there was something - I don't know - calming - or matter of fact - or resigned - about doing that. This is what I'm eating and only this. Or this and a salad with some protein).

I'll keep you posted as to how it goes.

Thursday, May 7, 2009

Little successes

I'm feeling good right now. I'm trying to keep the balance and not go crazy. I'm really trying to do a few things.

- write down what I eat and record the points - even if I go over; way over. That's a real victory for me.

- keep exercising. I like to exercise. I like to sweat. I think that gives me a leg up on this process. I just have to keep reminding myself that I like it.

- my goal this week is to have keep it up for a whole week - a whole 7 days. That seems to be my biggest problem. I do well for a few days then awful for a few days
consequently I have been staying right where I am weight wise.

It's Thursday and so far I've managed to exercise and write down what I've eaten all week long. I'm feeling good.

Wish me luck,

Monday, April 27, 2009

An intro

I've been struggling with my weight my whole life.

I'm tired of it.

I'm ready to not be fat while I'm struggling, because I think I'll be struggling for the rest of my life. Let's struggle with this at the other end. Fight hard and work hard to keep it off instead of take it off.

I've lost some weight three separate times in my life and each of those times, while I was doing it - it was ridiculously easy. It felt like I had made a decision to get healthy and I was then acting on that decision - easy as pie.

The first time I did Nutri System or Jenni Craig, I think it was Nutri System. It doesn't matter which one it was, just that it was one with already prepared food. Just eat this and you will lose weight. Well I did eat it and in fact lost weight. I don't remember how much exactly; it was nearly 20 years ago when I was in my early 20s, but I think it was around 35 lbs. I got down to a size 10 or 12. I was mostly comfortable there. I stopped the program and wanted to see if I could maintain it on my own and I did great for a year or so, until my dad got sick. I had no coping mechanisms and I started eating out of control again. I used food and it helped. Slowly my weight crept back up and of course went higher.

Then I did weight watchers. Hmmm, that was not quite 10 years ago. I had at least my oldest son and he's now 10. And again, it was easy. And I lost weight. But I think I got bored counting points and paying constant attention, so I stopped and gained the weight and more back.

Then, OMG, I got seriously heavy. And I got sick and friggin fed up with it. By this point, I think I knew that my issue was more mental than anything else. I'm sure that's true of everyone. But the truth is I'm scared. I think I'm scared of success and not so much of failure. I mean, I've failed before, but what would happen if I succeeded. I sure wouldn't be so invisible as I am right now. I knew I had to make a change, and I knew it had to be with a mental component. I thought about just finding a counselor that specialized in weight loss. But I looked around and realized that Johns Hopkins is not too far from me and they have a weight managment center, so I called them up and joined and bought their food and saw a counselor one on one, and l lost 75 lbs. I felt great. I still had some more to lose, but was feeling really good. In this program you meet with a counselor and a medical doctor every week, which is good right....

But the problem...... right from the beginning. It was the same thing. Wildly easy. I tried to tell the counselor. I've been here before. This is easy. They kept saying 'you are doing great!, keep it up' I kept saying.... wait, no, I've been here before. It's been easy before. It's going to get hard. I'll get scared, I'll figure out a way to sabotage this, I won't want to succeed. When it gets hard I'll stop talking. I need to talk about this now. I need to figure it out now, while I can talk about it. Unfortunately their counselor's style and mine were at opposite ends of the scale. We talked about that - her style is to wait for a bad week to happen and then to analyze it. I told her I was sure when a bad week happened I didn't think I'd be able to talk about it. We needed to talk about all the other bad weeks I've had, well we struggled, I gave up trying to get her to talk to me about my past and we talked about what she did during the past week - we got along famously. Eventually, it stopped being easy. I think I got too close, even though I still had a ways to go.... I stopped going, I stopped doing, I gained almost 50 of it back.

I've stopped the upward trek but have been struggling to move consistently back downwards. Though for the first time in my life, I'm not giving up. I've been trying to do the same plan that had me lose that weight most recently, which is low carbs, high protein. I keep sort of going on and going off that. Which throws me in and out of ketosis. Which is just not working for me. So I've decided I need to do this under the umbrella of weight watchers and just choose things that are lower in carbs and higher in protein while I'm doing it.

I put that little ticker thing up there at the top and even though this is not really public because it's mostly anonymous, I still feel good about publicly putting those numbers up there. I actually put a goal weight for the first time that is actually what my weight should be. I've always shied away from saying that I could actually weigh 130 lbs or even less. I'm only 5'2", but I've weighed over 200 lbs for the vast majority of my adult life. And to think that I could actually be a normal weight has always seemed just not a realistic option. But... why not. I'm not suggesting I want to weigh 100 lbs or something ridiculous. 130 is the high end of the normal range for a person my height. I think that's what I'm aiming for.

A funny thing about that little ticker up there that I didn't expect. For some reason the 89 lbs to go seems less insurmountable than I expected... Odd. Like I can tick those off one by one and the turtle will happily move along; one pound at a time.

We'll see. Wish me luck.