Wednesday, January 23, 2013

To Love...

Dear Love,

I wish and hope and pray that one day you'll know true intimacy... true connection.  There is richness and beauty in this world that I don't believe you've begun to touch and with all that I am I hope and pray you'll feel it one day.  Your mother fucked you up and I'll always hate her for that.  I'm so very, very sorry I can't wait for you to get there...  to do the work... to find the courage to risk your heart - to find the courage to take someone else's and hold it tight.
There exists the promise of intensity and passion and ups that light up your world and downs that crush your spirit.  But it only exists if you open up and take it... open up and want it... open up and beg for it... above all else - if you open up and risk it.  It's all a risk. 
I'll love you forever... you'll always be my family... it can't not be true...  but I have to have the connection - the passion - the intensity - the ups and downs...  and it can't be done alone.  There has to be someone else to share those things with - to risk everything to find those things with.  I wish it could have been with you, I truly do.  I desperately love our little family.  I wish we could keep it locked up safe and tight forever.  I'm so sorry I can't do that.  I'm so very sorry I need the ups and the downs.  I can't find a way to exist without them.  I know I'm being selfish - but I have to live.  I can't just exist.  The world is too big - too bright - too amazing to just exist in it.
I hope one day - with all my heart and soul - that you find the ability to rise above the things your mom kept you from learning.  There is so much more out there and I don't believe you have experienced it.  I hope you find it one day.  Hell, I hope you'll look for it one day.  I don't want for you to just exist alone in a vacuum.  The world knows you as this amazing human - and truly you are.  You're a rare breed; good and loyal and nice and helpful.  I want more for you.  I want connection.  I want richness.  I want intensity.  I want vacuums to just be appliances for you that the dog is scared of.. not a way of living. 
I hope we're able to find our way back to being friends and confidants.  Our best thing was always how well we hung out together and I hope we'll be able to hang out again.  To just be. 
I know you love me. That's the worst part. I love you and you love me. I always believed we'd celebrate our 50th anniversary and we'd still say Happyanniversaryiwin. It would still make us smile and not cry.  It breaks my heart that that won't happen.
I can't even be mad at you because I truly think your mom so fucked you up that your not capable of what I need.  I'm not sure you were willing to try either, but even that can be laid at your mom's feet.

All my love - always,