Thursday, June 30, 2011

Note to self....

Just because it’s the 4th day of your period is no reason to forget any type of protection in the morning.  And while it’s certainly true that you’re probably safe for a little while and that you have things at work that can take care of such situations – that will not keep the sudden worry out of your brain when it dawns as you drive to work.  And just because your top is down on your convertible – that will not keep you from taking the appropriate “just in case” measures against any possible accidents. 

Driving one handed and looking like you don’t have a care in the world will not hide the fact that you’ve unfastened your pants with the other hand so you can shove some tissues into your underwear to ward off any possible issues should a taller vehicle pass next to your roofless car and decide to look in.   I’m just sayin’.

Wednesday, June 29, 2011

A few final Ricky-isms....

One of the best things about Ricky is that she constantly repeats things.  She’ll tell you the same thing over and over and over and over and over again.  It’s possible that she might forget she told you, but it’s more that she just wants to be able to have something to say to you – so she’ll start these things with… “I prolly already mentioned this but….”

While she’s down here, every Friday Brad takes her to get her hair set, so one Saturday (6 days before the next hair appointment) she says to me.

I prolly already mentioned this but I don't know if he'll have time of course, but if he does.  I'm gonna see if Brad'll take me to Target so I can get that thing while we're out on Friday. (no one knows what thing).  He might not have time, but if he does, I think I just want to pick up that thing. And I want to pick up a little something for that baby that was just born at church.  Not something big.  Just a little something.  Maybe a couple of bibs.  Not something big mind you.  (I've heard this notion that she wants to get that "thing" and something small for the new baby maybe 300 times by this point.)


A few weeks ago we were at one of Teddy’s soccer games on a hot day and my shorts-phobic son is the only one on the field with long pants.  Not to mention he’s got big bushy hair and his last name which is eleven letters long is on the back of his jersey – he’s extremely easy to spot on the field.  Oh and he plays defense so you know where to find him on the field.

Ricky:  Where’s Teddy?

Us: (pointing) he’s right there near the goal, that’s where he’ll be the entire half.  Look, he’s the only one with long pants, so he’s easy to spot.

Ricky: burp  Oh, skooz me.

Ricky: burp  Oh, skooz me.  Where’s Teddy again (looking at the opposite side of the field from where he is.)

Then the other team took a shot on our goal and Ted blocked the shot.

Ricky: Did Teddy just make that goal?

Us: No, he plays defense.  He blocked the goal.

Ricky: burp… Oh, skooz me.


I prolly already mentioned this andI don't know if he'll have time of course, but if he does.  I'm gonna see if Brad'll take me to Target so I can get that thing while we're out on Friday.  He might not have time, but if he does, I think I just want to pick up that thing.  And I want to pick up a little something for that baby that was just born at church.  Not something big.  Just a little something.  Maybe a couple of bibs.  Not something big mind you.


Ricky:  Did you say Jen’s girls are in kindergarten?

Me: I said her youngest will go into kindergarten next year and the twins are in third grade this year.

Ricky:  Oh so her youngest was one.

Me:  Um.. At one point, yes her youngest was one.  But now she’s five.

Ricky: burp, fart.  Oh skooz me.


I prolly already mentioned this and I don't know if he'll have time of course, but if he does.  I'm gonna see if Brad'll take me to Target so I can get that thing while we're out on Friday.  He might not have time, but if he does, I think I just want to pick up that thing.  And I want to pick up a little something for that baby that was just born at church.  Not something big.  Just a little something.  Maybe a couple of bibs.  Not something big mind you.


She wanted to talk about troubled congressman (now ex-congressman) Weiner.  (of course she wanted to talk about Weiner).  She wanted to know why if Bill Clinton didn’t step down, why does he have to?  (These are the things she spends her days pondering)


A random non-sequitur
Ricky:  …. Well if you have a good job like that…. you know like Senator or even President. 

Me:  Um yes, both Senator and President are good jobs.

On the republican debate
Nick Romney did pretty good.  Tim Polenty did okay.  That woman, Back-man (that rhymes with pac-man) and all of them want to get out of Iraq and now they are having problems with Israel.  Oh not Israel, I mean Syria.


I prolly already mentioned this and I don't know if he'll have time of course, but if he does.  I'm gonna see if Brad'll take me to Target so I can get that thing while we're out on Friday.  He might not have time, but if he does, I think I just want to pick up that thing.  And I want to pick up a little something for that baby that was just born at church.  Not something big.  Just a little something.  Maybe a couple of bibs.  Not something big mind you.


On dating…
I’m gonna let Tom (her Son-in-law) put my name on the computer.  Not for.. “you know” (whispered).  You know what I mean right?  But just for a friend.

On my guacamole...
That gwarcome.. or.. mole-ie  or gwarolie… whatever.. it could be havit (spelling intentional) forming.


She takes a bunch of medications and she has one that she has to peel the foil off the back and then put the pill in this inhaler thingy but every single night she tries to rip open the package which is damn near impossible and by the time she’s bent it all to hell it’s then one millions times as hard to just peel the stuff off the back.  And if you’re the forgetful kind once you (or I) get the damn pill out of the little package you just pop it in your mouth until I shout “You don’t put that in your mouth you put it in the thingy”  and she spits it out and says “oh, that’s right… burb. fart.  Oh skooz me.”

Friday, June 24, 2011

BYOC!!! Bring Your Own Crazy!!

First of all... I just want to send out a general appology for my lack of commenting recently - I think I've been in hiding - it's probably a blog post in the making but I think I'm almost back, I swear.

Second of all... Since blogger was letting me add pictuers today, I added a team picture for each boy's baseball team to the last post.  All those boys are just so darn cute!

Anyway... On to BYOC!!

It's FRIDAY so that means it's BYOC - Bring Your Own Crazy!  We answer a couple of questions in an effort to get to know each other better and to give our blogging brains a break!  Copy and paste and answer in your own blogs if you'd like!!  ENJOY!!

1.  What’s your favorite room in your house?
Hmmmm, I guess it's the sunroom.  It's really why we bought our house I think.  The kitchen and sunroom open into each other so really it's one big room.  The room has 11 foot ceilings and seven 9-foot windows and a sliding glass door.  I have a long comfy couch in there and I love to curl up on it and read a good book.  There's a high counter that sort of blocks the couch from easy view and so I can remain hidden right there in plain sight for quite a while!  It's a beautiful thing!!!

2.  Picture question (or describe if you don't have a camera).  Show us a pic of your current favorite earrings!

I happen to be wearing them today.  I love them because I can wear them to both work or play - but most of all I love that they move and make noise.  They clink here and there as the pieces bump into each other and I absolutely love that!!

3.  What’s your dress code at work? If you stay at home and went back to work outside the home, what dress code would you prefer?

We are business casual.  I work for a manufaturing company and the men and women in the plant can wear whatever the Hell they want to; jeans, sweats, overalls, whatever makes them comfy - well no shorts because that could be unsafe and they have to wear steel toed boots, but other than that - they can have on at it.  Though we do ask that any slogans on tee-shirts be kept tasteful.  As for the office side of the business where I work - think causal Friday's in a more formal office - we're causal Friday every day of the week.  We can't wear jeans, men often wear slacks and a button down shirt, but no tie.  Women wear the the female version of the same.  Today I'm wearing a skirt, but that's more because I prefer them than because I have to.  If we have reason to go into the plant we are not allowed to wear open toed shoes for safety reasons though I can't swear everyone always adhears to that rule.

4.  Summarize your week in real life and in blog land.

Real life - eh.. I think that's the perpetual answer for a while.

Blog life - um... well... uh... I think I've been hiding from all things blog.  I'm not sure I fully understand why - but I've been actively avoiding thinking about things and learning things - I think maybe I've been avoiding honesty - and I can always count on all of you for that so I've been hiding.  I think I'm done hiding and this weekend will be spent catching up - but I'm very sorry to report I have to claim complete ignorance for blogland.

I hope everyone has a fantastic weekend!!!

Wednesday, June 22, 2011

Yay for my boys!!

First things first…. It’s taken me some time to get over the recent ‘incident’ with Ricky – and I swear I’m still not over it.  I had to drive her home from Jackson’s game on Monday night and I swear I was worried about the cooties my car was surely getting the whole drive home.

This is just a written congratulations to my two boys who both went undefeated in their respective baseball playoffs to win the championship!  Yay for them!  And especially for Teddy who truly loves baseball and has played with various versions of the same group of kids for 4 years now as they made their way up through the ranks to the ‘majors’ within this group and this was his last year with them.  He’ll move on to another division next year and a whole different team. 

So – come with me as I relive the end of Teddy’s game, will you?  It’s the top of the last inning and the other team needs 1 run to tie it.  If they don’t score then we win.  So we’re hoping to stop them!  We get to the point where there are two outs and they have a man on third.  The kid up to bat for them does not look like an athlete.  He looks a little awkward up there and we have our best pitcher on the mound so we’re all feeling pretty good.  Strike 1 – yay!  Strike 2 – yay!  Two outs, two strikes.  We only need one more pitch.  Then the batter looks over to his coach who is acting as the third base coach at the moment so he’s right next to where all our team’s parents are sitting in the bleachers.  So we all get a look at this kid.  He’s shaking.  The stress is too much for him.  He starts crying and he’s just looking at his coach begging for him to make all the pressure stop.  I’m crying.  All the mom’s in the stands are crying.  It was awful to see.  His coach was wonderful.  “You’re doing fine Johnny, just like we do in practice; just put the bat on the ball.  You can do it buddy.  You’re doing great.”  And that little scared kid who was shaking and crying put the bat on the ball and hit a single and scored the tying run.  I’m pretty sure our side of the stands was just as excited as their side of the stands.  We got the third out in short order and went into the bottom of the inning tied; only needing one run to score.

Guess who’s up first?  Yup..Teddy.  Ted’s not a bad hitter, he can usually be counted on for a single, but he can definitely let his mind screw him up at the plate so I was a little worried.  But he swung at the first pitch and crushed the ball with probably his best hit of the season high over the 2nd baseman’s head into the gap in the outfield.  The other team got it in quickly and he settled for a long single.  The next batter is Adam and lately he’s been struggling at the plate.  We all love Adam but we’re a little worried.  But he got a solid single and moved Teddy to 2nd. Then Teddy and Adam did a perfect double steal and they were both safe and now Teddy’s at third with no outs! Woo hoo!  The double steal was funny because while Adam is definitely very fast, Teddy is not.  Or really more accurately he does not run fast in baseball.  He makes his coaches absolutely nuts.  He’s just a cerebral kid – and he’ll be ready to steal 2nd and will make a calculation – “I think I only need to run at 60% of my capacity and I will beat out the throw.”  So that’s what he’ll do – basically saunter to the base while all his coaches and the parents have little heart attacks in the stands.  I don’t think he’s ever been thrown out, but still – it makes us all crazy and he’s been yelled at for it for years.  But this time he ran with all his speed and was easily safe.  We were all feeling pretty good because the next batter, Jimmy, is a solid hitter.  Ball 1, ball 2.  Okay, this looks even better.  Strike 1.  Then the catcher couldn’t handle the next pitch and the ball got by him and Teddy used that little seen speed and stole home for the win.

He was so excited to be the hero of the game.  It was the absolutely perfect way for him to end his affiliation with the great group of kids.  And for it to be his speed was just comical for all involved.  (well except the other team). 

Jackson’s game was the next night and it wasn’t nearly as exciting as Teddy’s game that had gone back and forth all night long.  Jack’s team dominated from the beginning and won easily.  Woo Hoo.  They both got these huge trophies and are very, very excited. 

The only bad part about the whole deal is that in our little league all the teams  have real major league team names and this is Orioles country.  Unfortunately Teddy got drafted into the Yankee’s organization when he was 8 years old which meant Jackson got put there automatically when he decided to give baseball a try this year.  So for years we’ve had to root for the blasted Yankees and unfortunately I think Jack liked playing enough to want to continue so we’ve got a few more years ahead of us.  Really, I refuse to say “Go Yankees!”  I instead say “Go blue!"  I did finally buy a navy blue shirt to wear to games, but alas, I never got around to wearing it.  Oh well, maybe next year.

 This is Teddy's team and he's in the middle without a hat on.

This is Jack's team and he is front and center with gray pants and his trophy tilted to his right (our left) his friend Joe is next to him with his trophy tilted to his left so they form a V together.

Saturday, June 18, 2011

Holy Sh#t..... seriously!

So.... I've officially been traumatized.  And fair warning - don't read this if you've got a weak stomach.

I took my MIL out today because I'm the best damn daughter-in-law ever.  The plan was to go see the movie Bridesmaids, which was very funny, and then go to a late lunch and then to JC Penney's so we could get her some elastic waist capris. 

Oh wait!!!  I have to tell you first what that bitch said to me.  I came home from work the other day wearing this shirt that is sort of gathered right under my substantial ta tas.  It's a perfectly tasteful work shirt, but it definitely emphasizes my rack and is very flattering on me.  Ricky said - "Oh Read (and really - I have to sort of use my first name here - it's not Pamela, but it rhymes with that - but somehow she manages to say my name with only two syllables which has annoyed me since the beginning - so really she said - Oh Pam-la) that's a very nice shirt, I really like it.  If it were a little smaller, I might take it home with me."  Okay - that's just rude no matter who you are and to whom you're speaking, but Hello ding bat!! you're bigger than me.

While at the movies she got up to go to the bathroom (which is completely normal for her) but as she stood up she farted so loudly.  OMG  Who is that woman?  I don't know her, do you know her??  I leaned over to the woman on my other side... can you imagine?  I wonder where these crazy people come from?

Then we go to Champs so I can watch the US Open and only have to half listen to her (oops, did I just say that out loud?)  She gets fajitas and I get a bbq salmon salad.  She has to get up and go to the bathroom several times.  At one point she says "you're still eating so I'm not gonna tell you the other reason I'm gonna take the rest of this home."  "Okay, good" I say, "I appreciate that."  "Scooz me" she says "I'm just gonna go to the bathroom again."  When she got back she said "I'm not gonna have any more, not cuz I prolly couldn't go for one more, but... for other reasons."  I nodded knowingly and prayed we were done with that topic of conversation.  After we eat I suggest we just go home instead of going to Penney's.... you know... for other reasons.  But being the shop-o-holic she is she definitely wanted to go to the store.

So anyway... we pick out some pants for her and she went to try them on and the 16s were too small (take that crazy woman! - oh, is that wrong?) and it was the size 1X that fit her.  (I did ofter to give her some of the shirts that are now too small for me - is that wrong too??).  She asked me to go get her a bigger size of the jeans we'd gotten for her and when I got back she said.... all subdued and whatnot... I'm having a problem, can you find out where the bathroom is.  Ut oh.  Um, sure.  I find out and she says she needs to just sit there for a few minutes and see if it stops before she attempts to stand up.  But Pam-la, you can come in here with me if you want... uh.. no, I'm good out here.

Eventually she's ready to go up to the bathroom and tells me she thinks she should probably put on one of these pairs of pants were going to get.  "Okay, no problem".  I am walking in front of her, leading her slowly to the bathroom.  Once it's FINALLY in sight I point it out to her and taking the tags I give her the pants and tell her I'll meet her back there after I've made the purchases.  And then... Then... Then... she passed me.  And I got a whiff of her.  I threw up a little in my mouth.  I swear to God.  I take a few deep breaths - immediately push it to the back of my brain so I don't have to think about it anymore - and set about to pick up a few more things.  A few kitchen towels because that's the department I'm in and she's not freaking sitting unprotected on my car's seat.  Then I find some of those reusable bags people shop with for sale and I grab a couple of them - in case she wants to keep her old clothes.  I check out and make my way back to her.

As I'm walking down the hall to the woman's room a little girl is coming towards me and says "it smells really, really badly in there, you might not want to go in there."  Oh shit!  But of course I've got to go in there.  It's a good sized bathroom with maybe six stalls and as soon as I walk in I'm blown back by a tsunami of odor the likes of which I pray none of you ever have to face.  I immediately start breathing through my mouth and find her in the final stall and throw the bag under the stall as I start to gag.  I let her know I'm going to go get the car and will be back to get her in a few minutes.  I have to lean over both a sink and the trash can while gagging on my way out - I kid you not. 

I get out of there and blindly stumble towards the 'family rest room' which unfortunately is locked.  I've got tears streaming down my face and the little girl is there and says "I told you so" OH shut the fuck up little girl.  Like I had a choice in the matter.

She threw the clothes away - Thank God, the management had been called while I was getting the car and there was a haz mat crew in the bathroom fumigating it.  I had her sit on the thankfully empty bag and was never so thankful I drove a convertible in my life.

My whole body was shaking.  I stopped and got an ice cream to drown my sorrows while I was getting the car - I swear I'm going to gain 20 lbs while she's here.  But... it's over right.  Of course it's not, God Damn It!!

We get home and I make sure she's going to go up and take a bath right away which she is.  Afterwards she comes downstairs and wants me to fasten her bra (I swear she keeps forgetting to hook her bra in front then twist it around her body before bringing the straps up).  Okay - while I don't want anything to do with her while I'm recovering from my trauma (and yes, I swear I know this was more traumatic for her, but I just don't care at the moment - call me a heartless bitch - I can totally take it) I will of course help her get her bra on if that means she'll go away again for a while.  Do you know what she did?  She had put her new pants back on her body - seriously.  And then!!! she backed her body up to where I was sitting on the chair to give me access to her bra.  But OMG.  That put her ass at nose level with my face.  I fainted dead away right there and then.  When I came too, I got up and took care of the bra and she let me know that while she used a little shampoo and a wash cloth to clean the tub, she wondered if I had something stronger she could clean the tub with.  I threw up again.

I've made her change her pants and put them and the wash cloth directly into the washing machine and now it's over and all I want to do is curl in a little ball and eat chocolate.  I have a bunch of amusing little Ricky-isms to report, but my heart just isn't into it right now.  Wish me a speedy recovery.

Friday, June 17, 2011

BYOC!!! Bring Your Own Crazy!!

It’s time for BYOC – Bring Your Own Crazy! We answer some questions in an effort to get to know each other better and to give our blog brains a break. Copy and paste to your own blog and ENJOY!

1. Do you make your bed every day? Tell us about or show us a picture of your bed comforter?

Um... not so much.  I very, very much like my bed to be made and have in the past bet Brad for various and sundry things where the loser has to make the bed every morning for a period of time, but during the work week, I usually just don't do it and neither does Brad.  I do make it, however, on the weekend, or any time when I'm going to be walking in and out of the room more than just in the morning and then again at night.  We both try to at least pull the covers up relatively straightly, but we're not always successful at that either.

I have my summer things on the bed right now which is a light sage green spread with a simple little design sewn in with thread, cream colored big square shams with light green piping and deep red throw pillows.  Maybe, I'll post a picture tonight when I get home.

2. Johnny Cash or Elvis? Thin crust pizza or deep dish? Coke or Pepsi? Beer or wine or neither?

• Elvis, though I do like Johnny Cash too

• Either one I suppose.  I like deep dish at Uno's and I like sort of medium crust from Papa Johns, and I like thin crispy crusts too - I guess I like it all.

• Pepsi

• I like beer and wine (white not red) but they really don't like me so much (having nothing to do with the band)  So, neither is going to be my official answer as I greatly prefer gin and vodka!!  (Draz, I have a great drink you just might like, perhaps we'll try it in Chicago).

3. I recently went through my list of blogs I follow and was at my limit so I unfollowed bloggers who haven’t blogged in at least 6 months. I want to start following some more new blogs. Who’s your fave lately? Funniest? Most inspiring? Can you link them for me??
Man this is not easy - I get stuff from nearly all of them out there.  And all the ones that never fail to ammuse or inspire are ones Draz already follows; Gilly, Tessie Rose, Jen, Laura Belle, Sherry... they're the ones that popped into my mind right away.  Well and of course Draz is always both amusing and inspiring.

4. Repeat question: Summarize your week in blog land and in real life.

Real life... eh.  Husband and I went out with some friends last weekend on the same day we'd had the bad morning and on the way home we talked some - mostly it was me saying - 'what is it gonna take?', 'How else could I interpret this behavior from you, I'm open to any and all suggestions here'.  He didn't say much other than he was afraid of counseling and I suggested I was 100% of the outcome with out it (though I did tell him I'd have us going before I walked out the door so that I would know I'd done everything I could before I left him).  Somewhere in there he decided to make the call and we have our first appointment (up to two hours long) on 6/30.  So that's good.  The kids are in the midst of playoff baseball and are both in the championship game - yay for them.  Teddy pitched one inning last night and struck out the side.  The rest of the parents in the stands were not ammused the coach didn't shake up his plan and send Ted back out there for the next inning.  The look on his face when he came off the field was perfectly priceless!!!  Jackson had his first rugby practice last night and when asked if he liked it he said "I love it.... with all of my life!!!"  So cute!

Blogland seems smooth.  Jacquie is having surgery today so send good healing thoughts her way!!  BOOBs planning seems to be in full swing and I'm totally excited about it!!

Tuesday, June 14, 2011

8 lbs... Seriously. 8lbs What the hell?

This whole thing with my husband is really pushing all my emotional eating buttons.  Some days are better than others at dealing with that but... I've been feeling pretty good food and exercise wise for a couple of weeks and have generally making good choices and all is well.  That's not changed, I'm still feeling pretty good - but I didn't have the best couple of days food-wise.  Not awful, just not great.  Yesterday was worse than Sunday - but... okay.  I'm not going to beat myself up over it.  I'm light years ahead of where I'd be a few years ago - hell, last year at this time.  I got up this morning feeling back in control (and really I didn't feel like I'd lost control so much as I was just doing a little wallowing I think, if you know what I mean).

But seriously people... I weighed 193.6 on Saturday morning.  I worked out on Saturday, but not on Sunday or Monday (can you say hangover on Sunday and I just didn't plan well enough on Monday).  But this morning.... I weighed in at 201.4.  Can we say that again... 201.4.  That number began with a 2, not a 1.  That's 8lbs in 3 days.  I got on the scale this morning, knowing I'd see a gain, hoping it wasn't as bad as 197.  (I knew there'd be some extra water weight because I had some guacamole with chips for dinner last night).   But seriously.  201.4.  How is that even possible? 

Anyway - jeez.  I'm not even all that stressed over the number because it's just so ridiculous - onward and downward.

On another topic...

Teddy calls me when he gets home from school and says:

Hypothetically speaking (this is never a good way for my son to begin a sentence) if Jack's bike were to be hanging from the opened garage door, hypothetically speaking, sort of dangling there by a handle.  I'm not saying this has happened of course, but hypothetically speaking - if one were to see a bike hanging from an open garage door... um... what might one do about that?

Me: hypothetically speaking, how might such a thing occur?

Ted: hypothetically speaking I might plug in the code to open the garage door and when the door opened the bike might have gotten caught on the handle and just gone up with it.... hypothetically speaking.

Me: Close the door.

Ted: Oh.

Sunday, June 12, 2011

*Those* dreams and a butt-cano....

1) Teddy is having wet dreams and the fact that I know this makes me want to kill myself.  He asked Brad about it - which of course I think is wonderful that he feels like he can.  But then Brad felt compelled to share it with me, the big 'ol meanie.  Seriously, I did not need that information.  I definitely could have gone the rest of my life without knowing that. 

2) Jackson just did a book report on a fantasy book and being Jackson he chose "The Day My Butt Went Psycho".   Part of the project was to depict a scene from the book and Jack chose to do that with clay.  He recreated the butt-cano.  (which naturally is a volcano that spits out butts - which in the book are trying to take over the world).  I thought you all needed to see an actual butt-cano.

That really big butt there... he's (somehow I am thinking of all the asses as male - is that wrong?) known as 'The Great White Butt'.  (as if you didn't already know that!)

This is how we spent our weekend - I bet you're all totally jealous.

Friday, June 10, 2011

Look what the gods of fate said to me today....

So... as I mentioned in my BYOC today I had a shitty morning with my idiot husband and on a lot of levels I'm just not sure what to do next - I sort of feel open to the world - to the universe.  I haven't yet found a therapist, but that has everything to do with procrastination - but I'm doing my best to just really stay in the moment and be open to "What's Next" - whatever that may be.

Anyway... I swear the gods were speaking to me today.... not once even... But twice.

Okay - so first off... I have my 'lady town' doctor's appointment today.  And if you don't remember the last one and the multiple scapulae (this is apparently the plural of scapula - who knew??) she had to go through for my long vagina - feel free to refresh your memory here. (I did and it totally made me chuckle).  Anyway - I quickly reminded her of the longness of my vagina and how she needs to use the really big one.  And she said - oh thanks, I'm so glad you told me, I have a long, narrow one right here.  She pops it in and again thanks me for cluing her in because it's apparently very clear that a normal size one wouldn't have worked.  But then.... wait for it... "Except, the walls are closing in on me.  I'm going to have to get the one that's wide too".  Seriously woman - I appreciate you're trying to spare me the invasion of "the big one".  But how do you know I don't just crave the big one, right?  It's the only action I'm getting these days, okay. 

She seems worried about having to put the really big one in me.  She's doing a little hemming and hawing - worrying - apologizing in advance - "there's going to be a lot of pressure".  Finally I have to hurry her along... "Seriously," I tell her "just go for it, I promise I'm gonna be just fine."   She totally laughs at my attitude and pushes it home and I am, in fact, just fine.  Okay lady, what do I need to tell you to use next year?  "The extra long and wide one"  Okay, check.  Got it.  Clearly I need a new model penis to try out in the future... Which brings me to the fate gods' comment number one....

I had totally planned on bringing up birth control with my doctor.  I at least wanted to talk about my options.  My husband had a vasectomy years ago and I haven't had to give birth control the slightest thought in a whole hell of a lot of years.  I'm not yet at the point where I'm ready to run out and have sex with Tom, Dick, and Harry... but at this moment it doesn't seem like that outrageous an option.  So I wanted to be at least prepared enough to understand my options.  But.... before I got to the part where I'd ask her about it she asked me about my periods and I told her how bad my cramping was and after some discussion about what I can do about that - she recommends getting a certain IUD implanted in me that should dramatically reduce my periods and my cramps.  Uh... so - all on her own - totally unrelated to the possibly having sex with someone other than my husband she suggested an IUD.  "Um.. an IUD, that's birth control right?"  "It sure is."  "Okay good, because I'm thinking of leaving my husband and wanted to talk about birth control anyway."  She said it would be the last form of birth control I'll likely ever need (given my age). 

I'll be calling next week to schedule having that put in!  And she told me to definitely tell the person who will insert it to use the extra long and wide scapula... yeah, I got that one.

And then just a couple of hours later, I'm playing catch with Teddy outside.  He'll be pitching in the playoffs and their first game is tomorrow so I was giving him a target to pitch to.  After doing that for a while, we had moved on to just plain old catch, which was totally fun.  Until he threw it super hard (after all he's a real live baseball player - a pitcher even) and I just instinctively threw my gloved hand up to catch it.  I made the catch, but the ball hit exactly on my wedding ring (through the glove of course).  But it pinned my finger between the ball and the diamond setting in the ring that got slammed up against the back of the glove.  So basically the ring got seriously jammed into the top of my finger.  It hurt like a motherfucker and I yelled loud enough to make Teddy feel awful. 

But the point is - I got the glove off as quickly as possible so I could get the ring off my finger in case it was going to swell to the point I would have to get it cut off.  I was able to get it off - barely - and I quickly put it on my right hand (recently I have been wearing it on my right hand from time to time - just sort of trying out what it feels like - cuz this ring has a long story behind it and feels very much like *my* ring vs my wedding ring.  The ring he put on my finger when we got married is in a drawer in my bathroom.)  Anyway... So now the ring finger on my left hand has a bruise on it and is too swollen to wear my ring on.

I swear I can't get the ring on the left and - and I think it looks pretty good over there on the right

So I think the fate gods just got a doctor to suggest I go on birth control and told me to take off my wedding ring.  What's that about???

BYOC!!! Bring Your Own Crazy!!

It’s Friday so that means it’s BYOC day – Bring Your Own Crazy….to five questions we all answer in an effort to get to know each other better and to give our blog brains a break! Copy and paste to your own blog and ENJOY!

1. How and why did you first start blogging? And how long have you been blogging?

I started my family blog a few years ago.  I did it, I think, just because I didn't want to forget some things.  When I tell my mom a funny, or sweet, or cute story about the kids - from their birth she's always said "You should write that down!"  And I had a few notes here and there, but then I thought a blog would be a good way to "write them down".  Also Brad's family is all from NY and we live in MD so I thought it would be a way for them to keep up with what's going on with the kids.  Then for a while I had a kinky blog too... LOL.  Then after I got the band and I was wanting to "talk" to others who also had it, but not sure how to go about doing that a big, huge, honkin', light bulb went off - "hey dork, I bet there are people who blog about their band!" And I found you guys and the rest is history.  I don't write much in either of the other two very much anymore, though if there is something particularly noteworth (think turtle masacre) I will copy it over to my family blog too.

 2. Tell me about your perfect mate – if you could invent him/her?

(I hate you Draz - ok I love you, but still... I swear you peer into my life sometimes and find out what's going on - on that particular Friday - before you come up with your questions.)

In all honesty.  I am turned on by confidence.  A man who knows who he is and what he's about and isn't going to appologize for any of it.  I love laughter and connection.  I want to be put first - to know without a second's thought that I'm the most important person in their world.  I want to be treated like a queen, but someone who can stand up to me and tell me to get the hell over myself when that's what I need or what I deserve.  I want strength and passion and fairness, but lots of testosterone. 

3. Do you wear fake eyelashes? Do you want to? Do you use glue or self-stick ones? Do you like how they look?

I've never worn them and never thought about wearing them.  It seems like a pain in the ass to me, but the only makeup I ever wear is a little eye liner and some mascara.  Occassionally I'll go really crazy and wear some tinted Bert's Bee's lip balm.

4. Let’s say money was no object and neither was time off to recover – are you an advocate of plastic surgery after weight loss?

I absolutely believe in PS for whatever reason someone wants it.  I have always, long before I got the band, said I was going to get a breast lift, but I've wanted to wait until I got my weight closer to where it should be.  I was always afraid I'd have it done and then gain and/or lose weight and they'd get saggy again.  They've never been the perkiest things in the world, and they're big.  And every time I gain weight my boobs get bigger and when I lose weight they don't get smaller.  So now they're even bigger and I breastfed two children so they are even less perky than they used to be.  As soon as I'm somewhere near a weight I think I'll be comfortable with for the rest of my life I'll be making the appointment.  After that, we'll just have to see how my body reacts to the weigth loss.  If I'm too saggy somewhere, or there's too much skin, I won't hesitate to get additional PS.

5. Repeat question. Summarize your week in blog land and in real life.

Blog life has been good.  I'm not completely caught up, but I'm getting there.  I changed the names on my blog roll of everyone Stephanie has listed as confirmed for Chicago.  If they're confirmed their name starts with a B for BOOBs.  Just that little things has made me even more excited about it!!

Real life sucks big wonky dicks (whatever the hell that means.)  And really it doesn't.  I'm crazy busy - almost too busy to wallow.  This week on Monday we had a play for Jackson during school followed by a chorus concert for Teddy, Tuesday was the band concert for Teddy, Wednesday I went out with a good friend of mine and that was SOOO needed.  Thursday was baseball practice for Jack and Teddy's first ultimate frisbee practice.  Tonight we have another play for Jackson and then I'm going to try to find someone to go out and play with because I do not want to be near my husband right now. 

He's been living with his head burried in the sand about what's going on with us for months and months now; pretending as if everything is normal - not commenting or reacting in anyway to the fact that our sex life no longer exists, that I now give him my cheek if he wants to kiss me.  (We used to be a very firey passionate couple - the kids have been grossed out by our kitchen make out sessions far more times than I could count).  I won't go into the background of this - but today I discover he's planning for me not to be involved in the comic book convention that I've helped plan and execute for years.  I discover this when we were talking about scheduling our vacation this summer and he says - well if we do it that week you and Jack could go up on Saturday and Teddy and I couldn't follow until Monday.  (Saturday night is the night of the main banquet and awards ceremony that I've planned for the last several years).  I stared at him for a few minutes not understanding what he was saying until finlly the light dawned and I said - Am I not doing the show this year?  And he said - well I assumed you wouldn't want to based on various things.  I was completely stunned for a thousand different reasons.  But I calmly picked up my bags to leave for the office and said to him (very calmly) - "You are going to let this marriage fail because you are living over there in your head assuming all kinds of things and not bothering to find out the truth of any of them.  You are just going to ignore it all until I walk out the door.  And that will be the day you realize you should have done something - anything - talked to me in some way.  That will be the day you will want to go to counseling because you're suprised I'm leaving."  And then just as calmly I walked out the door and got in my car.  He said something to me as I was leaving but I didn't hear it.  Then he followed me out and wanted to talk to me, but I just drove away leaving him in the driveway.  Then I put on that awful Darius Rucker song and cried.

Wednesday, June 8, 2011

A continuation... How to stay in the magical place...

So… let’s continue this conversation, shall we…

You all gave me some wonderful comments to yesterday’s post.  There were a few suggestions – Thanks! – but there were a fair amount of people who were also looking for suggestions to stop the train before it slides off the tracks.  I thought the topic deserved some more attention.

First let me say that thank you for all the supportive comments to me, but the truth is, I’m in a good place right now.  And it’s really only when I’m in a good mental place that I can have these conversations.  If my train has fallen off the tracks I couldn’t or wouldn’t in a million years bring up stuff like this… It’s just another little bit of my insanity.

Along with several commenters, in my “good place” nothing is off limits.  I eat a healthy well balanced diet that meets my goals; protein and calories and vitamins and whatever they might be – the majority of the time.  But if I want some McDonald’s French fries because the bag I just bought my kids smells so good, well I absolutely have a few and I don’t think twice about it.  I don’t later feel guilty, I don’t later feel like I have to atone for my sins.  I am just in a good headspace and know that making something off limits will just make me want it more.  So I have a few of whatever the hell I want and move on.  Ice cream, sure.. Not every day, not a lot.  But if I want some, I have it. 

In this place I exercise regularly and in fact the “rules” I live by are really more about making sure I don’t overdo it.  I will not under any circumstances let myself exercise for 7 days in a row.  (I’m currently not in danger of that at the moment, but have been in the past).  The only thing I insist upon of myself is enough rest.  But I find, in this magical place, that I’m looking for ways and times I can get my exercise in.  It’s just such a part of who I am. 

“Man, I’m going out with Lisa tonight, so I better do it in the morning.”  “I’m going to be up so late tonight that I better sleep a little later and do it after work, after I get the dinner on the table for the kids.”  Those are thoughts that run around my head.  I’m sure many of you are familiar with them.

So all in all – for me this magical place is an overall healthy place to live.  I am thinking healthy – no big rules, no obsessions, no “You. Can. Not. Have. That.s”, no good food and bad food, no you are good and you are bad.  I eat well, I sleep well, I exercise well.  I don’t worry about every little thing.  I’ve lived here for years at a time.  But….

Eventually the train slides off the tracks.  And I can always feel it coming.  It’s when it’s been going well for too long, when I’ve been too successful that the little devil on my shoulder kicks my ass.

So let’s have a little group exercise… Anyone in for it?

It happens to most of us – the falling off the wagon so to speak  - we’re all smart, powerful, beautiful people – let’s try and come up with some strategies that we can try and see if they work to both stop it before it starts and to get us back to where we want to be when we’re floundering.

Some suggestions we’ve already had are:

  • Have hours of sex (personally this is my favorite but sadly not an option for me at the moment)
  • Ask the 'healthy you' what to do in a given circumstance
  • Give yourself a stern talking to
  • Just decide you’re not going to give in to the bad decision(s) you’ve just made and get back up on that horse and move on
  • Blog or journal about it – asking for help
I remember a long time ago using a technique that worked for the most part… Whenever I’d start to have a negative thought.  “I’m a failure”, “I think I should make a cake so I can eat the cake batter”, “I need four pounds of chocolate” – that kind of thing, you yell (or at least internally yell) NO!  And immediately start thinking of something else.  Like the laundry you have to do, or an issue at work, or the friend you’re going out with tomorrow night.  Until your mind has truly and completely moved onto the other topic.  I haven’t done that in a long, long while – but I swear it did help me move past any negative thoughts once upon a time.

I’d love it if you’d add any old thing you can think of to the list.  Let’s come up with a list of possibilities to try.  Maybe they won’t work.  But I bet, some of them will work for some of us!!

Thanks so much!!

Tuesday, June 7, 2011

That "I'm about to F#@k this up" feeling.... (ETA)

Oh. My. God.  You know, I totally got this whole blog idea from the great post over at The Cozy Coconut and then in my haste at work (see, I was totally pretending to be working) I completely forgot to link over to it - go see...

So that feeling...

What’s that about??  I swear we all know it.  You’re going along doing what you need to be doing and it seems easy enough.  You’re not totally craving things you’d just as soon not be craving.  You’re enjoying getting your work outs in (or at least it’s not killing you).  You feel good.  You feel powerful.  You feel strong and in control.  You’re sleeping better, you’re feeling lighter and ready to tackle what life brings you next. 

Until… dun dun dun.

You get that feeling.  I’m sure it’s different for everyone, but for me it usually happens when I notice I’ve been doing really well.  Eating as I want to be eating, moving as I want to be moving and generally feeling really good.  I notice it – I acknowledge it.  Then I immediately work towards fucking it up.  It’s almost like as soon as I’ve noticed it, I think… well it would suck if I suddenly decided to eat a bag of potato chips – never mind that I don’t even really like potato chips (except Zapps Voo Doo flavor).  And no sooner than that thought is in my mind then I’m suddenly obsessing over potato chips.  And then I wonder what would happen if I stopped working out so diligently.  Then I’m obsessed about that.  And my mind is just full of how I know I’m going to fuck it up and then – I quickly match actions to freakout. 

It’s really not that simple or even remotely a good description – but… the point is – I know it’s coming.  I know that I’m gonna do things that are counter to my goals – I can see it coming down the pike (what the hell does down the pike mean?).  I think there are lots of crazy reasons why we do this to ourselves - for me I think it has to do with being afraid of success.  Does that mean I don't think I'm worthy of success?? I don't know.  Does it mean I am afraid of how my life will be when I'm successful?? I don't know.. But it's just enough one of many, many examples that I'm insane.... Luckily I'm okay with that.

My question is – what are some ways that you good people combat this?  This feeling of impending doom that you know is followed by impending self destruction?  What are some tips or tricks of the trade that you use.  Do you push the negative thoughts out of your brain?  Do you laugh at yourself?  Do you ignore it until it goes away?  Do you take a walk, or a bath or get rip roarin’ drunk?  Have wild sex for hours and hours on end until you can’t think anymore anyway?

Inquiring minds want to know…

Monday, June 6, 2011

New Blogger Alert...

I've mentioned him on my blog before, the boss.  He's getting a band sometimes soon.  He's just managed to jump through the hardest insurance hoops and has met with the dietitian and is looking forward to his first meeting with the surgeon where he'll get the actual date for surgery. 

He could use our love and support as he moves through this process.  He thought he'd try out the pre-surgery liquid diet on a trial run basis about a week ago and quickly decided that was for the birds!  Thanks so much in advance.

You can find him here... Life Simply...

Sunday, June 5, 2011

Some Ricky-isms.....

Our morning political conversation started with her trying like hell not to fuck up the president's name.

Ricky: I know you hate it when I don't get this right.... uh... Labamba

Me: OMG woman!  He's the president of the United States.  Hate him if you'd like, but you have to know how to say his frickin name.  (I made her repeat it back to me several times)

Ricky: I'm sure he's a nice person but he just doesn't share my values.

Me: (just because I know she gets that sentence and every other broad thought in her head either from her evangelical church (I apologize to those I'm offending) or from Fox News, not from her own opinions) What values of his do you not share?

Ricky: abortion (whispered).  He's for it.  (cuz yes, he does run around looking for pregnant women who's babies he could abort). 

Me: I thought you thought abortion was okay in situations of rape and incest.

Ricky: (indignant) Well of course it is!  No one should have to carry to term in that situation, of course I'd rather they give it up, but if they just can't then that has to be their choice.  My church thinks it's awful that I think that, but I do, and I tell them I do.

Me: So, on this issue your values and his aren't that far apart.

Ricky: right, they're not. (with an obviously, duh! tone)

Me: So, what other values don't you agree on?

Ricky: when he's in other countries he knocks the country.  (this would be a Regular Fox News talking point)

Me: You're saying the President of the United States goes to other countries and says bad things about the United States?  (she nodded yes)  Okay, what has he said?

Ricky: Uh... Well... He knocks our country especially when he's in Muslim countries.  You know his middle name is Hussein.


No way am I voting for Newt Grinrich.  (Grin-rich?  really?  Grin rich... is he smiling a lot??)  It's not up to me to judge him for how he treated his first wife.... BUT... he left her in not a nice way - he says he apologized but still... but it's not up to me to judge.


Fred and Lois have a son who thinks he's homosexual (whispered) - maybe they want to be the way they are? I think some of them are born that way.  But Fred says - they can be changed and Lois says he changed that way (whispered) because his marriage failed. 

Um... don't you think maybe his marriage failed because he was gay?  (not whispered)

She was actually doing okay at differentiating herself from blind insanity but she lost me when she told me how she was trying to convince Fred that people could be born that way (whispered).  "Look at the kids who are born sick.  God made them that way too... but you know what? - everyone has free will."

uh.... (shaking head vigorously, trying to clear it so whatever she said makes sense).  So you're saying that the children born sick choose to stay sick???


Ricky: But... I don't like that talk show girl.. Ellen because she dresses too manly and she pushes her... you know... situation (whispered).

Me: I think she talks about her wife about as often as your son talks about his.

Ricky: oh, you're right too.


Ricky: I gave S (my 16 year old niece) the sex talk (whispered).

Me: (after I spit my drink all over the table) what on earth did you tell her?

Ricky: if you're thinking of having sex - first think long and hard (hehe) about whether this is someone you can see yourself marrying

Me: so you think you should only have sex with someone you are going to marry?

Ricky: (indignantly) No!  Of course not.

Me: so why do you need to think if it's someone you can see yourself marrying?


As we were driving back from our shopping excursion today... (and oh how fun that was!!!)

Ricky: I really like to have, though I know it's not always good, you know - the salt and all.  But I really do like, every once in a while. Just a little mind you.  Not a lot. And not often.  You know Dawn is always telling me I need to watch my salt.  So, I'm definitely not talking about a lot. But I think it's okay to do things in moderation, don't you?  (Not actually letting me or wanting me to respond) 'Cause if you have things in moderation it's okay, don't you think?  But you know, every once in a while it's nice to have it, don't you agree?  

Can you guess what she was talking about???  Yeah, me either.

Me: Agree with what (barely controlling my exasperation) I have no idea what you're talking about - you haven't told me yet - though I know you like it and shouldn't have it much.  What the hell is IT?

Ricky: chicken, you know... fried chicken...  from Kentucky

Me: do you mean KFC?

Note to self...

No matter how it seems to be going down....

You.  Can.  NOT.  Eat.  Eggs.  In.  The.  Morning.

And really, maybe not ever.  But seriously idiot... don't do that again!!!  What?  Are you crazy?  Did you not say to yourself as you were making breakfast for Jack and Ricky - "you can have some bacon, but you can not have eggs."  You said that, didn't you?  Yes you did, you idiot!!!  Did you listen.. uh.. what do you think?  AND!!!! Not only did you have eggs (and the fact that it was probably less than 1/2 an egg worth is wholly irrelevant!) you had a piece of toast.. or half a piece anyway.. too.   

Jesus you're a stupid idiot sometime. 

Friday, June 3, 2011

BYOC!!! Bring Your Own Crazy!!

It’s FRIDAY – which means it’s BYOC – Bring Your Own Crazy…around these parts. We answer a couple of questions to get to know each other better and to give our blog brains a break. Copy and paste to your own blog if you so desire…and ENJOY!!

1. If you could pick any name on Earth for yourself – would you change yours and what would it be?

I love my real name.  And I love my middle name, Read.  Both names are completely unique.  In fact, it's because of how unique my first name is that I don't use it on the blog.  There just aren't very many in the world with my name.  I did meet one, once and I was SO excited.  She was not nearly as excited as I was - but I guess I'm about 15 years older than she so I'd had far more time to be amazed that I'd never met one of me before - oh well.  But if you knew my name and google it - you find the real me immediately and I just don't want everyone in the world to know about my band - so.. shhhh, I use my middle name here.  (and for those I meet in person, I swear I'll answer to either name)

2. If you’re a worker-outer…what time do you partake in such activities? There are SO many theories about when it’s best and not best to work out….like the morning is better since you have an empty stomach or the night is not good because you won’t be able to sleep…etc, etc. – so I’d like to hear your theories.

Really it's whenever I can get my ass up and doing it... But I find either right after work - like maybe at 6pm works pretty well as does before work at 6am are the best times for me - when I can get the most out of it.  There have been lots of times that I can't get (when I am getting to it in gereral) until after the kids are in bed - or at least until after they're fed - so more like 8 or 9pm - and that's not the end of the world, but I do find it harder to get my ass on the treadmill at that time of day these days, but - it still works then too.

3. If you drive a car – what kind is it and if you could drive any car – what would it be?
I drive a Toyota Solara Convertible and I love it.  Well, I love it's speed and I love the convertible nature of it.  I was in an accident that totalled my Honda CRV (which I LOVED) which led to the convertible.  I have always wanted a convertible, but the last time it was time for a car, I had just had Teddy and didn't think it made sense.  I narrowed it down between the Toyota I got, a 4 door Jeep, and an Audi A-4.  I LOVE to drive, and there's no doubt that the A-4 was the most fun to drive, but it just wasn't $20,000 more fun to drive than the Toyota.  I think if left to my own devices I might have picked the Jeep.  It's more me I think, more truck like, higher off the ground, and something I'd worry about less (not that I worry all that much) - but Brad totally vetoed the Jeep.  We've always been a Honda family and it's served us well - and if they'd made a convertible with a back seat, I'd have probably ended up with that one - so the Toyota seems to fit the "Honda" need - if you know what I mean.

As far as wants... I totally and completely want a VW Thing in bright orange.  That says me - no doubt about it.  I also wouldn't mind a 700 series BMW, and after that one test drive - an Audi.  But - now that I have a convertible - I can't imagine life without one.  I'm completely hooked and imagine I'll always have one.

4. Can you be totally honest in answering this next question and tell me what you think of tattoos? More importantly – what do you think of the people who have tattoos – specifically women?

I love tattoos.  I think the art and the meaning are cool and wonderful.  I have one of some flowers on my upper thigh and I love showing it to people and I have every intention of adding a bee to it.  But - and I suspect I will offend people - but honesty was asked for and  honesty you shall have.  I think tattoos should be able to be covered.  There is something a little... less than polite about them - it's sort of like burping in puplic to me - like go ahead and burp in front of your best friend - or cuss like a sailor or have a million tattoos but when you're with your grandmother - you do things differently - you don't burp, and you don't cuss, and you don't have tattoos all over the place.

I find visible tattoos on men and women in a business environment to not be professional.  I work for a manufacturing company and I don't have this opinion of the men and women who work in the plant.  Or in any environment that is, by definition, more casual.  Where jeans are the norm.  And there's no doubt I have a double standard about it (maybe it's a triple standard since I have one and want antoher) But just walking down the street - if I see a man with lots of ink (assuming it's in places that can be covered if so chosen) I'm not sure I bat an eye - but when I see a woman, especially younger women, with lots of visible tattoos - I do judge her - I do think a little less of her.  I completely get that it's unfair - but it's also honest.  I will say - that I will look twice at a woman and if they are all in places that can be covered in a business environment I give myself a little smack down over my initial reaction.  At the same time - if I were to see a woman with something small and descreet, yet visible in summer clothes, I wouldn't bat an eye and might think - hey I love that!  Like a small heart/butterfly/flower/star peeking out above her shorts or something like that - maybe at the back of the neck.  So... there you have it - the unvarnished and totally hypocritical truth.  It's also completely true that I envy people who live and work in environments where needing to be "polite" is either not necessary or defined differently and they have tattoos all over the place - and it's completely acceptable at home and at work and in their social environments.  I don't live there so I guess I judge people by the standards by which I live.

5. Repeat question: Summarize your week in blog land and in real life.

Real life continues to be tough.  Darius Rucker has this new song called "I've Got Nothing".  And I cried and cried when I heard it the first time.  It's what I imagine Brad will be feeling when I walk out the door.  On the up side my MIL has arrived and the added chaos will make it more difficult to wallow.  The current sports seasons are winding down with soccer and football ending today and tomorrow and baseball playoffs on Monday.  For the summer we've signed Jackson up for rugby - a fried of ours is a coach and saw how fast Jackson runs and begged him to join - and Jack was all for it.  And for Teddy it's ultimate frisbee which he's been wanting to play FOR-EVER!  This is the first year we've not done swim team - I'm still not happy enough with how Jackson swims - it's fine, but just not good enough - so I need to do something about that.  Maybe I'll just make him do laps every time we go to the pool. - hey!! That's a great idea!!

Blog life - I finally got commenting to work from home, but I still can't do it from work - which is totally annoying - but.. at least I'm getting some commenting in.  I am reading, I swear - even if I'm not always commenting.  Things for the most part seem on an even keel so that's good!!

Wednesday, June 1, 2011

Ricky and my mom

First things first... Justawallflower (I can't think if you use your real name in blogworld or not) - you have gone 'round the bend if you think bringing Ricki to Chicago is anything like a good idea.  OMG!  (okay, I just had to get that off my chest)

So I swear to God - these two women were vying for the lead in One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest tonight.

Jackson had his fourth grade band concert tonight.  Let's back up, shall we.  This damn concert (he plays drums just like his older brother) had my anxiety ridden child running to the bathroom for the last several weeks at the mere thought of practicing.  I think he figured if he didn't know the parts he wouldn't have to perform.  Finally I told him I couldn't care less if he performed he was still going to have to play the damn bell piece for me - perfectly.

Brad took Jack, Jake (Jack's best friend who's in middle school but really wanted to see Jack's concert - isn't that cute), and Ted early because Jack couldn't stand the waiting anymore, so I got to take Ricky a bit later.

On the way over I heard about the fight she had with her daughter with whom she lives.  It included Ricki telling Dawn to "ef off" (that was whispered) as Ricky said it.  "I prolly shunt have said that, but I think she said it to me first." You think she said that to you? 

But seriously, my mom totally won the award tonight.  My birthday was about a week and a half ago and this is the first time I've seen her since then.  She brought me a present.  Well.. it was a gift bag full of several presents.... She clearly spent time and effort picking each piece out especially for me.  First I reached in and got the card and she said "I don't sign cards, that way you can reuse them."  um... okaaaay, and sure enough - it's a card.  A blank card.  It played music.  Okay, well on to the gifts.  There was a hair brush - a teal blue hair brush.  Have any of you seen my hair?  It's really curly - I don't brush my hair - unless it's Halloween and I'm going for the zombie look, but this will be a nice distraction for Ricky who always wants to use my hair things..  I'm gonna put this brush out and she'll think it's mine - bwahahahah.

Then there were the two pairs of socks.  Hey, I'm thrilled about these.  She got me these amazing socks for Christmas and I LOVED LOVED LOVED them and asked her to pick me up some more of them. 

Me: Oh yay! Some of those socks!!!

Her: uh, nope.  They were all out.

mmmmkay - so... what? you thought two pairs of knee high socks (still with the 2 for $5 tab on them) said - just because it's 98 degrees outside you want me wrapped up in warmth supplied by you??

Moving right along.  A tube of black liquid eyeliner.  Seriously.  I've got nothing against black eyeliner, I'm sure it's a wonderful staple to many people's makeup bags.  But with my green eyes, I've never once worn black anything.  I don't even wear black mascara.   Give me some purples, greens, browns - I'm good - black not so much.  Maybe it goes with the brush and I should definitely be a zombie for Halloween this year.

Then there was the insta-dry fuck me red nail polish.   I was totally planning on doing my nails today - and I think fuck me red definitely says hot summer day - totally going for it.

A book called Deception - upon hearing me say "Deception"...

Ricky: is that the new perfume by Elizabeth Taylor.  She's dead you know.  And even so, her perfumes - did you know she had a lot of them - they're really selling a lot of them.  She was married... To more than one person, did you know that?

This led to a spirited conversation between my mom and Ricky about who could name more of Elizabeth Taylor's husbands.  Everyone was impressed when Brad added "that Fortensky guy."

And a pair of earrings that we decided must be a basket of flowers and the flowers are little blue beads.  For years her husband, my step dad, used to give me gold hoops for gift giving occasions because that was an easy go to and he knew that my ears itch if the earrings aren't actually gold or silver.  I think mom missed that memo.  They're cute though.

After they left and I was laughing at the bag -
Brad: You know what this is, don't you? 
Me: What?
Brad: A trip to CVS
Me: (mimicking my mom) I don't sign cards, so you can re-use them
Brad: A trip today, on their way up here, to CVS.

Oh and at the bottom of the bag was a small plastic grocery bag with another identical card in it - also not signed.  I just looked at her and she looked confused.  "Perhaps you got this one for Christine?" (my sister).  Mom: yup, that's it.  I'm so glad I came in with you, otherwise I'd have been totally stumped when her birthday rolls around.