I struggle with asking for help, or even acknowledging there’s an issue until I figure it out on my own. I need to be an expert at things before I’ve ever given it a try – this leads to sometimes just not trying new things – OMG what if I look like an idiot – or people find out I’m clueless and point and stare. There’s a pretty big part of me that I like to believe truly doesn’t give a rats ass if they point and stare, but there’s enough of me that clearly does.
I’ve been struggling with the scale and with my doctor.
My scale was just sitting there going a little up and a little down. Generally speaking I felt like I was doing the right things. I’m not saying I didn’t eat a bunch of chocolate a couple of Fridays ago or that I’ve been perfect beyond that, but I’ve been pretty darn good with what I’m doing. Okay – well exercise has not been my strong suit recently. And man, I like to exercise so I don’t know what my problem is, but still. And it seems that when it stalls for reasons I can’t explain I am quick to think – ‘Oh, I should do just liquids for a couple of days’ – (I always loose a quick few lbs after a fill when I’m on liquids for 2 days). And I have done this at least twice and it has in fact worked – but it’s not how I want to live my life for the duration. I don’t want to only drink liquids for 2 out of every 7 days. It just doesn’t seem like a healthy option for an ongoing, long term, healthy life style. Good food – fruits and veggies and lean protein – these are good healthy options – right?
So this week I forced myself to not do it again. To just eat what I have been eating. To write it all down in case I was fooling myself (which I’m happy to say I wasn’t) and to get up off my ass and at least walk on the treadmill sitting right there in the middle of my room. It’s just math after all – expend more then you take in, eventually the scale has to catch up, right? This morning it finally moved and hit 210 – WOO-freakin’-HOO. That would make me 25% of the way towards my goal. I’ll say it doesn’t count till tomorrow, but still – I’m just grateful that it moved at all.
My doctor – So I believe I need another fill. I have 4cc in my 10cc band and it’s at this level that I first felt the slightest bit of restriction. I’m a little tighter in the mornings, but it’s not anything that really would keep me from eating anything – more it makes me extra cautious about chewing. I get hungry in less than two hours after eating – as in stomach growling hungry. It feels like any progress I’m making is really mostly due to will power. And if I could do this with will power alone I wouldn’t be talking to all of you, now would I? So the problem is, I’m fairly confident that my doctor will not give me a fill when I go. He’s said that if you are losing about a lb a week then everything is good and working as it should. So I’ve been taking time to plan out my attack for him (which couldn’t be more stupid in my mind). These are things I’m actively considering.
• Weighing my clothes down so it doesn’t look like I’ve lost as much weight (if I can figure out a way to make it look like a gain that would be even better)
• Bringing a calendar with my weekly weight loss and even amending it a bit to put even more of it the first two weeks after my last fill (9/9) and almost nothing since then.
• Bringing the graphic with the yellow, green, and red signs to go down the list on the yellow one to illustrate that I am in fact not in the green zone even if I have lost weight.
• Bringing my food logs that I just started that include when I’m getting hungry – probably doctoring them up a bit too to emphasize how quickly I’m getting hungry after eating the types of foods he wants me to be eating.
So my questions are – Which of these things should I actually do, if not all of them? Or should I be considering just ditching my doctor with the theory of finding someone else who I might actually feel like I could have a real live conversation with? There’s a Fill Center about 45 minutes from me and there are certainly lots of other doctors in the Baltimore area. Or should I consider something different altogether?
Any thoughts would be greatly appreciated!!