I’ve been thinking about how I’m sorry I told my sister about the band because of the increased scrutiny from her. “is it working yet?” But I wonder… is it better that she knows – that a lot of “she-s” in the world know? The reason I don’t like that she knows is that I worry I won’t live up to her idea of successful. Or I won’t get there fast enough. If she didn’t know and I fail at this too, than she wouldn’t be able to look at me with pity in her eyes. She wouldn’t know I’m a failure yet again. I really haven’t dieted very many times in my life and those times that I have I kept it quiet from just about everyone, probably even my husband – and he’s never once been anything but 100% supportive. I’ve kept it quiet both because I didn’t want to fail in front of people, but also because I hate being the center of attention and so I didn’t want the extra scrutiny – especially because I might then fail in front of them.
But… because my sister knows and it makes me uncomfortable because of how she’s acted about it so far – is that a hard concrete motivator out there for me. ‘Man, I don’t want to fail in front of her with this. I went and had surgery and everything, what on earth would she think if I couldn’t manage to use this tool properly?’ There’s a lot of me that doesn’t care, truly, but clearly there’s plenty of me to go around so there’s a lot that obviously does. I wonder, though, if this extra.. something – the fear of embarrassment isn’t maybe a good thing in the end. I really don’t want to see the pity in her eyes so I’m all about figuring out how best to use this tool.
I wonder if I should find other people, possibly even the judgmental ones, and tell them too, just to help me stay on track?