A little oogie and a little NSV

oogie
On Friday night Teddy had a soccer game and my sister and her family came out to watch as well as my mom and step dad.   My mom and step dad come to at least one game per grandchild per sport season and they have 7 grand kids most of whom are active so that's a lot of running around, but it was the first time my sister has ever come to see one of the boys play.  There are a variety of cynical reasons running around in my brain, but I'm trying really hard to just be grateful that she came as Teddy absolutely LOVED that his whole family was on the sidelines cheering him on and it's always delightful to see my nieces.

But for the oogieness.... Jackson and I walked up to a spot where Lara (sister) and family could see us so we could direct them to the correct field and as Lara got up to me she was totally giving me the long hairy eyeball.  A long slow sweep from toe to neck - totally checking to see if I look like I've lost any weight.  I completely felt like a piece of meat - much like a virgin in a biker bar (shudder).  Once she got her eye full she gave herself a quick nod and then started walking towards the field and started in on some innocuous small talk.  "so, what's up? how're they doing?"  She didn't say a word to me about whatever she saw and that was the end.  It totally made me feel all icky, clearly I still regret having told her about the band.

NSV

Today at Jackson's flag football game Teddy brought a soccer ball and asked me to kick it around with him which I did.  There wasn't anything particularly strenuous about what we were doing, just kicking a ball back and forth - or trying to kick it over the other one's head, but....  6 months ago, hell 4 months ago, I wouldn't have done that.  Or maybe I would have, but only for a couple of minutes.  Whereas today, I just had fun with my 12 year old son, kicking the ball, running to retrieve it, blocking his harder ones, etc.  I was up and playing during the entire game.  We stopped when Jackson was in the game; offense or defense, and the play was going on, but beyond that we played.  And while I was out there, I knew that it was because I'd gotten the band that I was up playing with my kid and that was a beautiful thing!!!

Wrap that rascal, an epiphany, and a heartfelt thanks

Wrap that rascal
There's been some talk about getting together with Bonnie and Linda as we all live fairly close to each other (I'm totally excited by this possibility but that's a whole different thing).  So I had run a possible date by Brad last night and it prompted this little convo with him this morning.

Brad: Who might you be going out with?

Me: I’m meeting some strangers I met on the internet.

B: (bursts out laughing) Make sure you wrap it up before you do anything.

M: (eye rolling – geesh) Actually, it’s true, They are strangers I’ve met on the internet.

B: WHAT?!

The Thanks!!!

So yesterday I really had to battle back some of my uglier demons after my Dr’s appointment.  Maybe the band just won’t work for me.  Maybe I’m doomed to be a failure.  Maybe I am in fact dumb and the fact that I felt like I was on a merry-go-round and we were just talking in circles was all me and not because he’s a tool.  Sure there’s a part of me that knows I was speaking clear English and had good, well thought out points of view and he was just being a total idiot and countering just about anything that came out of my mouth I’m thinking just to make himself appear superior – but the other part of me – the scared little fat kid that hides behind the big personality and all that fat – well she wasn’t so sure.  I could feel it wasn’t good so I pushed the entire appointment into one of my handy lid-less boxes in the back of my brain because I was afraid if I let myself think about it too hard or look too closely it would rock me off of my really good head-space.  You never know what it’ll take.
Anyway – I’m really wanting to say thank you, to all of you from the bottom of my heart.  My appointment yesterday rocked me for a while.  I blocked it out because I knew it was not a good thing for me and then I put it out there and gave it to you guys so I could get a sanity check.  I was prepared for you to say he was an idiot.  But I was also prepared for you to couch that with... “but he does have a good point about this or that…” because I feared it was just me.  But what you gave me, what I've consistently seen on blog after blog is just plain support. 

I can't tell you how much it means to me to just feel the love.  This is truly such a lovely and supportive community and each and everyone of you should feel proud at how well you represent it.  So thank you again, truly.

The epiphany
I'm smart.  It’s the one thing I always knew I could count on and it’s the thing that I feared more than anything not being true.  If I wasn’t smart then what the hell was I?  This is actually an epiphany for me – you are watching it take place right before your very eyes.  In my head I’ve never once doubted that I'm smart.  I’m not any kind of genius or anything crazy like that, but things have always come pretty easy to me.  I went through school and then college and wasn't ever really challenged.  If I ever did feel challenged I’d end up with the best grade in the class because I had to prove I was still smart.  If I wasn’t challenged I was just as likely not to show up and get a C (but that's a whole other story, I clearly had some issues here).  But the point is, smart was always the thing I knew I was – and yet, it’s the one button that can really rock me - as happened yesterday.  If someone can do something that calls my intelligence into question – it rocks me.  And (here’s the epiphany) – it’s because it was always the one thing I had - that I was really sure of.  “You’d be so pretty if you just lost the weight”  “You could excel at sports if  you just lost the weight.”  Yadda yadda yadda.  But I was smart.  So if you take that away – what’s left?  My sparkling personality??  Well as that was a fake for much of my life – that wasn’t very comforting…  

And okay I was dumb for choosing this particular doctor - but in my defense my husband picked him.  I don't really do people easily.  He is much better about reading people and much, much better about asking relevant medical questions when choosing a doctor so we decided that we'd find a doctor he was medically comfortable with that I didn't want to kill.  That was our criteria.  And while I didn't like him from the outset, I didn't think he was the true and serious idiot that I now believe him to be.

Okay - so there's my totally incoherent ramble for the day.

Weigh in day

This morning I was 203.6 which is .8 down for this week and 31.4 down in total.  On to the next week. 

I like putting this out here - it's my form of accountability.  I want it out there and public good or bad (which I'm sincerely hoping I'll be able to do).  This is the place I weigh in once a week.  So thanks for that!!

The good, the bad, and the ugly

The Good
I'm alive, I didn't kill anyone today, and I got a .5cc fill.

The Bad

On previous visits I was wearing a simple cotton skirt and a simple cotton t-shirt and stepped on the scale barefoot.  On this visit I was wearing long pants, suede boots (as they were my heaviest - I maybe, sort of weighed them), a short sleeved thin sweater and a heavy (again with the weighing) cardigan.  When I got there, I sort of put my big key ring in one of my pockets and my iphone in the other.  And then there were the sunglasses hanging off my sweater and the glasses I decided to wear (I usually only wear them when reading or in front of a spreadsheet at work).  Oh and there was the water I'd drunk so far that day and man oh man did I have to pee.

This morning at home I weighed 13.8lbs less than I weighed the last time I saw him.  This afternoon at the office I weighed 6lbs less than the last time.  I swear to God I was shocked that there was nearly an 8lb differential - but also secretly pleased as that put me at less than a lb per week in the 7 weeks since I'd been there.

The Ugly

So I'm in there with him and I'm telling him how I'm doing great on this restrictive diet I'm on, and how I'm following all his rules (I am a serious rule follower after all) but that I think I need a fill as I can definitely eat more than 1 cup of food, though I'm being really good about not doing that and I'm getting hungry in about 2 hours, maybe a little less after I eat.

Me:  For instance, I had 4oz of chicken salad just under 2 hours ago and my stomach just started growling.
Him:  Now, now now, a growling stomach is not a sign of hunger.  That's just air passing through your stomach.
Me: raised eyebrows (I can't do just one - which really annoys me) - uh.. it's not?  Cuz the rest of the world sort of thinks it is.
Him:  It can occasionally be that, but just stomach rumbling isn't a sign of hunger.
Me: Well of course not, but I can tell the difference in my own body.
Him: I'm not so sure you can. (well excuse the fuck out of me you pompous ass)
Me:  okay - I had 4oz of chicken salad just under 2 hours ago and I am feeling all the signs I attribute to hunger.

I believe he rolled his eyes at that point.

Him: let me show you the latest research (he leaves and comes back handing me a pamphlet from Realize with a section circled)  Read this.

"Research has shown that a more conservative

approach to adjustments in the first year

results in better long-term weight loss."

It has 2 sample patients with a month by month time line under both of them and on the conservative side the guy had 4cc in his 1st month and then an additional 1.75cc in month 4.

Me:  Okay, so the conservative patient had in month one what I have now.
Him: No, (shaking his head in a patronizing way as he takes it from me to show me how wrong I am).  You see..  Oh... wait.. um... (emphatically) Well he didn't get his first fill until 4 months and this is your 3rd fill.  All I'm saying is to go slow.

I manfully refrained from flipping him off at that point.


He continued on to tell me (I seriously pulled out a notebook and took notes) "The band is not designed to reduce hunger.  Its only purpose is to keep you from eating fast, not chewing your food well, and reducing your portion size."

I told him that I was only addressing the literature that I got from him.  The red, yellow, green thing.  That the yellow sign suggests you need a fill if you are getting hungry between meals or if you can eat more than a cup of food and well, since both of those things are true for me, I'm following what he's told me in the past and telling him what's going on with me.

I told him that while I'm not medical professional I have been doing a certain amount of research trying to more fully understand what I'm working with and it's a pretty consistent theme that having the band filled to some point which differs from person to person absolutely helps makes you feel satisfied longer after eating and how I was just trying to reconcile how all of the other information I'm getting from a variety of sources differs from what he says as I've chosen him to be my doctor.

I went on to tell him about the article that Fluffy directed me to on her blog called It's not about Restriction by Dr. Terry Simpson and how its main premise is "the purpose of the band is not restriction; the purpose of the band is to lose weight by suppressing the appetite"

His reaction; "That's complete baloney".  I did go on to explain that the article was designed to point out that those people with bands who are looking for restriction to mean that they are so tight it's hard to eat are missing the point - that they should be looking for it to help them stay satisfied longer. - That appeased him a little and while he wouldn't agree the band was designed in part to suppress appetite he did acknowledge that in some people there might be some help with that, but that in general appetite suppression is an entirely separate issue from the Band.

He suggested putting me on Fentermine. (I'm sure I'm spelling that incorrectly) if I'm truly getting hungry after 2 hours.  This is my lap band surgeon - suggesting to put me on drugs instead of giving me a fill to see if that works.  This is the 2nd visit in a row he's suggested putting me on drugs to deal with the fact that I get hungry within 2 hours of eating 4oz of chicken salad. 

 

I truly think he believes fat people are dumb.  I've had this impression to one degree or another since the first information session I went to and ultimately this is the problem.  I worked hard the whole time I was there to give off the impression that I was, in fact, dumb and needed his expert guidance to help poor pitiful little me and I think that's the only reason he gave me a fill.

While he was putting it in (that sound dirty which is gross given who I'm talking about) he said - see, you have to look at this, which I've got to say is kind of hard to see over my boobs, but I look and he's showing me how after he pushes in most of the cc he was planning on putting in and then lets go of the plunger thingy it slowly starts to push back out.  See!  Do you see that?  

Me: Uh, yeah.  

Him: Well that means your band is really tight, I'm only going to put in 1/2 cc.

Me: Okay.

Once it was in and I was up off the table (uh... dirty again) I said - so if being hungry after only a couple of hours is not a sign I need a fill, and being able to eat more than a cup of food isn't a sign - what is a sign?  

Him: If you are not losing weight. 

Me - I totally need to find a different practice.

Okay... I can't do it - thanks so much for your thoughts.

I thought I could.  I'm not sure I shouldn't.  But I can't walk into my doctor's office with the express intent to decieve him.  I already think I'm going to change practices, maybe to a fill center, or maybe I'll find a different doctor's office.  But lying to him just goes against my good girl, rule-follower nature. I'm so much more of a 'in your face this is how it is and you can now take it or leave it' kind of girl.

I'm brilliant at diversion, but I rarely actually lie.  And this was too much of a lie for me.  I was going to eat salty carbs today so my weight would go up a few pounds, but I'm not even going to do that.   I'm in a really good eating and exercising place right now and to go off the ranch too far could too easily spell disaster. 

I'm not in desperate need of a fill right now.  I certainly don't have good restriction as evidenced by my often rumbling stomach, but if I find out he truly can't see past the numbers on the scale then it's better to find that out now while I'm in a really good head-space then later when I'm in a bad one.

I may be hitting up some of my more local bandsters for opinions of their practices or maybe he'll surprise me.

Anyway - thanks so much for your thoughts and advice, it was much appreciated.

(I will be wearing the heaviest outfit I can find though, and I guess it's possible that there might be some loose change or old keys in my pockets.)

I need help with my upcoming Dr.’s appointment

I’ve discussed this once before, but it’s almost here and I want to throw it out there again and see what you guys think.

These are the facts as I know them.

-          My doctor has said that this is about weight loss and losing 1lb per week proves to him that the band is working perfectly.

-          Since I had my last fill, I have been losing more than 2lbs per week.

-          I am eating exactly what I’m supposed to be eating

-          I am stomach growling hungry between every meal.

-          I’m on a restrictive diet and happen to be in the right head space for that to be working great for me at the moment.

-          I know that ‘good headspace’ will eventually leave me and I’ll be left with being hungry all the time.

-          I have an appointment with my doctor on Thursday.

-          After 4oz of chicken salad my stomach is growling in about 2 hours.

-          I believe I need a fill. 

-          I’m afraid he’ll see my weight loss and not give me one.

-          I’m afraid I’ll lose this good head space and have this whole negative thing going on for a while that will be totally unnecessary.

-          I bought ankle weights – 2 of them, each one is 5 lbs.

-          If I wear one to my appointment I’ll have lost an average of just under 1.5lbs per week.

-          If I wear both I’ll have lost just under ¾ lb per week.
-          I am a serious rule followerer and even contemplating this is making me a little oogy.

As I see it, I have three choices at my appointment on Thursday.

1)     Go in as I am with the 2+lb per week weight loss and have a rational conversation with him where I point out that I’m on a diet and it’s working, but if that worked long term for me I wouldn’t have gotten the band and that I’m definitely not in the green zone as I’m hungry all the time and hope he’s a rational man who listens to his patients (this is not something he’s given me any reason to believe as yet).  And see what happens.

2)     I can wear one of the weights and have that same rational conversation with a smaller per-week loss and hope for the best.

3)     I can wear both weights and say – wow, I’m so hungry, I can’t seem to manage to only eat three meals a day, though I’m really trying.  I’m just weak and was hopeful the band would keep the hunger at bay for a little longer

I was leaning towards choice two as I truly don’t like the idea of lying to someone who’s supposed to be my medical advocate and I thought #2 was a good compromise place to be – where I could still have the same honest convo, but with the numbers a little easier for him to digest.  But my friend pointed out that that’s still a risky move based on things my doctor has said in the past.  And he still may be very happy with my more than 1lb/week loss and not be willing to give me a fill.

Any thoughts on this?  Ethical, medical, band-ical, my body-ical????

A couple of band questions...

For the last day and a half my port hurts; especially if I twist or reach for something, or bend over.  Normally I guess I can feel it here and there throughout the day and maybe it’s when I move in these same ways, but starting yesterday it hurts.  Enough that I find myself putting pressure on it to “keep it in place” as I move, which totally helps.  If it doesn’t move then there’s no pain. 

I haven’t done anything at all that could have injured it.  It’s been a pretty low key several days so I have no idea what this is or if I should care (other than in a mildly annoyed kind of way).  So… do any of you guys have periodic pain in your port area?  Any thoughts?

And while I’m on the subject of pain – Does anyone else feel their band?  I feel it almost every day and while it doesn’t hurt exactly it’s not a warm and fuzzy feeling either.  I almost always feel it in the mornings and sometimes an hour or so after a meal – when any and all food should have long since passed through it.  Anyone else???  

Thanks in advance for any thoughts on these things... I guess I'm just curious.

More musing from my warped brain and a smooth hoochie coochie

First for the hoochie coochie 

I think success begets success which is one of the many, many reasons I love this community so much.  From time to time I read some of the history on your blogs.  It helps me see where people have come from and how they got to where they are.  We all have our ups and downs but you guys are just a big ‘ol group of success – how fantastic is that?  So sometimes I go back and see what you’ve done how you learned this or that.  

And… ooh the things you learn.  I don’t even remember on who’s blog I read this, but there was apparently quite a discussion about whether or not the old hoochie coochie is smooth and hair free.  And someone recommended Carson Magic Shaving Powder and Cream.  I just want to send out a big thank you to whoever’s suggestion that was, because I used it this weekend and it really did work like magic AND there were no bumps afterwards!!  Woo Hoo!  If and when there’s ever sex in my life again, my husband will thank you as well…. Or I guess maybe some nameless faceless man I can’t yet identify will thank you but that remains to be seen.

Now to the musings

I’ve always been a huge advocate for being your own best advocate.  Stand up!  Say what you want.  Be who you want.  Throughout my life people have been scared of me; scared of my confidence and determination.  Impressed by my iron will.  It’s all been a lie. 

We had this class in college, I don’t remember what it was called but it was only for seniors because the waiting list was so long.  It was a seminar led by this guru like guy that everyone wanted to be near.  Ultimately it was just a semester of honest talking.  A big, hulkin’ lacrosse player cried over his relationship with his dad, women talked about destructive relationships, things like that.  I thought it was an amazing class, but would have said I didn’t contribute too much.  I talked here and there, but no way in hell about anything personal – I was more a background singer. 

On the last day of class we all went around the room and talked about the one thing that had hit us most during the class.  No idea what I said, but when it came to the teacher we all hung on his every word; waiting to see what got to him most – and it was me.  I’m paraphrasing here but he said – I’ve been teaching for too many years to count and every so often I wonder why am I still doing it?  But then you encounter a student like this.  One who challenges what you know.  One who doesn’t fall into all the tidy little boxes you were so certain were all there was.  They make you want to keep going and learn more.  This student is so confident.  So sure.  It’s Read. I’ve never met someone so young, who was so sure of who they were, of where they were headed, so sure where they’ve been.  I didn’t know you could get there in 20 years and it’s truly adjusted how I look at all of you and what I’m here to offer.  I need to thank her for her presence here and for all she’s taught me this semester, It’s reenergized me.  It’s helped me remember exactly why I love teaching all over again.  I was stunned.  At first I thought, holy shit, I need to find out what he sees, maybe he can help me see it too.  But of course I was way too afraid to actually go talk to him and it didn’t take too long for my opinion of him to change – “Not him too”… God, how have I painted myself into this corner?  It’s all an act, how can no one see this?

When I was an RA in college I used to preach safe sex, I led the safe sex class thingies – I was very funny, I always carried condoms in my pocket to give to people.  Then at night I wasn’t practicing what I preached.  I would be horrified to bring up such a topic with a man. 

I’ve spent the nearly 20 years Brad and I have been together preaching to other women, not to settle.  If you want a man who will treat you well and share in the household chores or who will do X, Y, and Z – whatever that is, they exist.  Go out, have fun, but when it comes down to it, don’t settle.  Life’s too important to settle.  Have I done that?  This is my big fear.

He’s this amazing guy; funny, caring, thoughtful, interested.  He’s so completely involved in everything.  And on paper I didn’t settle for a single thing.  But for years, there’s been this thing in the back of my brain.  Even as I touted all his attributes and preached no settling is necessary.  Even as I watched people hold us up as the poster children for perfect marriages – “you really did find your prince charming, didn’t you?”  I’ve wondered.  Is this all there is?  And I don’t truly know what it is that I want, what I’m looking for.  I know I don’t want to be in charge.  Truly and spectacularly I don’t want to be in charge and I am. 

For many, many years we worked hard to keep the balance.  People say it can’t be done.  There has to be a leader when push comes to shove but we did it.  For more than 15 years we did it.  No issues.  We decided together.  It was in perfect balance.  We have a profound level of respect for each other and you couldn’t do it without that.  Was that the biggest lie of all?  I’m this big in your face feminist, but shit I don’t want to be in charge here too.  It’s hard enough to pretend in the rest of my life – you do it.  It’s not like I want to suddenly be a doormat; I just want to be President to his CEO. 

That’s the change we made a few years ago.  The change that pushed us closer then we’d ever been.  That was good for him and good for me separately and good for us together.  The lines of communication were wide open and clearly defined.  There was a connection, a closeness that you only read about.  But it was short lived.  As much as he wants it, he can’t seem to maintain it.  And ultimately it left a vacuum that I’ve had to fill.  Now I’m firmly in charge – of every bit of it.  I can’t handle this.  I don’t want this.

It wasn’t the only thing that got us here.  He had what I call a mid-life crisis a few years ago where he turned into a royal asshat for a while.  Something he’d never ever been.  And that ugliness was shocking and it was probably that shock that made me take a long hard look at the rest.  Ultimately I take the blame.  I let us live in a way that wasn’t comfortable for me for all that time.  I only cited the good stuff.  But now – as we look at each other – it seems like it would be so easy to just go back to the way it used to be.  He’s a great guy.  But I can’t seem to relax.  I feel like I have to cling to this thing.  This thing that won’t let me relax in my marriage right now.  Because if I relax and just it be, does that mean I’m going to go back to settling?

Thank you so much!!!

OMG!  I have 45 Followers.  I can't believe it and I'm so thrilled I can't hardly stand myself.  Thank you, thank you, thank you!  I can't begin to thank you all enough for all the support not to mention entertainment you've given me. 

Thousand Word Thursday - yes, I know it's Saturday...

I love love love these shoes.  I'm really a barefoot kind of girl, but if I have to wear shoes, I love the kind with the loop around the toe.  No idea why, I just do.  Very near the end of the season where one could wear such a shoe, I was minding my own business wandering through Target, probably on my way to buy something for the boys and they jumped right off the rack and into my cart.  They were on major clearance so they were something like $7 - extra bonus!!

I rushed home and took this picture to send to my friend because I was so majorly excited.  I may even have bought several dresses so I could find just the right thing to wear them with - maybe. The picture makes them look awful on my foot, but I swear they're super cute and the few times I've gotten to wear them I've loved every second of it.

Weigh in Day

The number for today is 204.4
This is down 2.2 for the week and 30.6 overall.

Woo Hoo, I'm down 30lbs.

Onederland I'm still coming for you!

12 year old boys and a pimple on my ass

I have one of each and they are both pissing me the fuck off.

The boy 
So yesterday his band teacher left a voice mail on Brad's cell phone.  Teddy is not learning his parts and is being disruptive in class and has been put out of class twice.  He wants to make sure Ted understands that if he doesn't shape up and practice more he's going to be moved down to the lower band.

Brad's away so he's IMing me this information and my reaction is "I'm going to kill him".  How dare he act up enough to get put out of class and yes he hasn't been practicing enough - but he's assured us he knows his parts well enough.  We are trying to get him to take some responsibility about things vs standing over him for everything - so we haven't been riding him as hard about practicing - Okay that stops now.  But to disrupt class - I'm going to kill him.  We go back and forth and decide he'll be grounded for a week which includes nothing with a screen and no friends.  It's the computer that will kill him - he's been IMing and emailing all his 12 year old friends like a fiend lately.  A week away from that will kill him.  Good!

But then.... Brad continues... The teacher went on to say he was leaving the message on the cell phone because while he had already left the message at home, he heard some of the boys talking and believed that Teddy might delete the message left at home.  No fucking way.  Teddy wouldn't do that.  I swear to God I will seriously kill him if he did that.  I have this suspicion that he did just that.  He's my easy kid - I'm scared to death what Jackson will be doing in a couple of years.  Teddy has always been incapable of lying or deceit of any kind.  He's the kid who will hide the bag of chips behind his back and say - I have no idea where the chips are - that's about his skill level in this area.  It's just not something he's ever been good at, I mean even a little, tiny, bit.  Apparently he's getting a little better at it.  Bastard.

I get home while he's at soccer practice and check it out - sure enough he did it.  He deleted the freakin' message.  He's going to be grounded for a month - which is until the day we leave for Disney.  I can't begin to tell you how pissed off I was.  I'm not a yeller I get quiet when I'm pissed which can be plenty scary enough.  I gave him one chance to come clean and he did - I have no idea what I would have done if he lied to my face about it - really, no clue.  I hit him hard with the whole I'm furious lecture, then hit him with the I'm disappointed part.  The part about how he's totally broken my trust.  That I didn't think he was the kind of kid who would do such a thing - but that he's proven me wrong on that.  That he'll have to work his butt off to earn that trust back.  He said "yes mom."

But then he was an ass for a while - he kept walking away from me when I was talking to him - for any reason - like here's your dinner.  That's when I totally lost it.  I became a yeller.  I told him in one long, loud breath that I was pissed as hell at him and that now was not the time to be an idiot and do things he knows totally piss me off even more.  You're a smart kid - use your brains at least until I've calmed down a little.  He was fine for the rest of the night.

I took the modem to work with me today as he comes home to an empty house when Brad's away and I didn't want there to be any way for him to get online.  I just know he was pissed as shit when he tried to go online this afternoon - Good!

Tonight the little shit took a shower in my bathroom which I reluctantly let him use even though he often messes it up and do you know what he did?  He didn't lift the seat when he went to the bathroom and so he peed on my seat and just left it there.  He's done this before.  We've had this conversation before.  But I'm still so pissed about yesterday - this was just stupid.  I made him come upstairs and clean it up and I told him he was done in my bathroom - never again. 

Ted(in a totally self righteous tone): Mom, how are you going to help me learn this?  It's hard you know! 

Me (in a very calm if somewhat patronizing tone): oh honey, this is just one of those things you need to figure out on your own and until you do, don't set foot in this room again.  Here, take your axe body wash and go. 

And the pimple on my ass. 
It's a pimple and it's on my ass.  It hurts, enough said.

Okay - my venting is over.... phew.

A meandering walk through my brain - not for the faint of heart

I started this blog – to help me along my journey to health and it’s still that, but then it became more focused about the band and connected to this amazing, supportive group – which is the biggest blessing of all.  But really, I think it’s an extension of something that’s been coming for a while now.  I need to take back my life – really I need to take my life for the first time.  I’m not sure I ever had a hold of it. 

It’s a slow process.  It started a few years ago when I first started to loose weight, no not then, when I first decided to really do it.  I had to ask for help.  I knew it was mental.  I knew I wasn’t dumb.  At 251 lbs I joined the Johns Hopkins Weight Management program and asked for help.  I chose that path because of the name and because it had a counseling component.  I lost a bunch of weight, but it was really just a diet; actually not unlike what I’m eating now.  Lots of protein.  It wasn’t a good fit.  I’m a hard nut to crack.  I put on a good show, but I don’t let my walls down hardly ever.  I live in my protective little bubble and go about my day.  I told them that while I was excelling at their diet, that’s when I needed to talk about the tough stuff.  I’m in a good place and I can talk about that stuff in an abstract way – a way I’m capable of.  I knew myself well enough to know that if I waited until I was failing at the diet as I knew I would, I wouldn’t be strong enough to deal with the tough stuff.  I had to do it when I was strong. 

They couldn’t hear me.  They were so impressed with how well I was doing.  If I did ever hit a bump, we could talk about it then.  So when I started failing at the diet, I walked away.  I didn’t gain it all back but I gained most of it.  The thing is, though, I knew I wasn’t done.  I knew it was just that “that” didn’t work for me. 

About the same time I started randomly searching things on the internet that I hoped could help me find what was missing from my marriage.  I’m pretty sure back then (this was 2005-2006 I think) I couldn’t have told you what I was searching for or why.  But as I found things that piqued my interest over time it became clear.  There are holes and I need to fill them – or they need to be filled in some way.  And a lot of them are within my marriage. 

My husband is a wonderful man and I have told the world that for all of the nearly 20 years we’ve been together.  I haven’t lied exactly.  I just highlighted only the good stuff.  I never, ever participated in mindless husband bashing.  I was the first and often only one to say… hey wait, my husband doesn’t do that.  And he didn’t.  He’s great.  On paper he’s damn near perfect.  He has always shared completely in everything we’ve done – housework, child rearing.  There’s no doubt he has changed way more diapers than I have.  Our kids go to him as easily as they go to me – see I’m doing it again.  That’s mostly true, but they know I’m their mom and will comfort and protect them better and stronger than anyone else, even their dad.  But, compared to many, many men in the world – my kids will seek comfort from him much more quickly.

He’d be offended at the concept that he was “babysitting” his own kids.  Seriously he’d get actually mad at such a notion.  He handles our home schedule which is much more traditionally a female role.  He sets up play dates and arranges for babysitters and signs them up for sports or camp.

But it’s more like we’re friends.  Not married.  Our sex life is all over the place.  Some years we cant’ keep our hands off each other and some years not so much.  When we have problems, though, he doesn’t want to talk about it.  Talking about it makes it harder for him to deal with.  He’ll fix it on his own – he promises.  He doesn’t. 

In my searching I came across some things – some ways to structure our marriage differently that might make the lines of communication more clear.  We made some changes and they were amazing for both of us.  He’d readily agree to that.  The changes made him stand up straighter and be more proud of who he was every day, they made me do the same for me.  They brought us closer.  It was a very good time sex wise too.  Then he stopped.  He’d say; Read, I love this!  I’m going to do X, Y, and Z are you good with that?  Why yes dear I am, that would be great.  And I’ll do A, B, and C.

Some of our best, most honest conversations were/are through IM or email where we could really think about what message we were trying to get across.  I’d share them with my BFF and she’d be amazed at how open and honest and respectful we always were.  But it was a lie.  Or rather, he was lying.  He wouldn’t do X, Y, and Z.  He’d just go downstairs and play on the computer.

There were too many lies.  It’s such a strong word and one I would never have thought I’d ever use about him…. ever.  He’s the most moral man I know.  But what else do you call it.  He came to me.  Read, I’m sorry, I’m not living up to my end of the bargain.  I’m going to change that today.  These are the very specific ways I’m going to do that.  And he never did.  Not until the next time we had that same conversation and he’d say that same thing. 

Man this so got away from me.  I think this post started out as me talking about using this blog as therapy in addition to weight loss support – but it sort of morphed.  I guess you can guess what’s on my mind?  So – the moral to the story is, boys and girls.  I think this blog is going to be a means of therapy for me and I’m very thankful to have found it – and I’m really struggling with my marriage right now.  Oh and 12 year old boys are no fun at all sometimes.

Seeking the meaning of life...

So Lucy over at Diminishing Lucy had this really great question at the end of her post today; "What would you try if you knew you could not fail?"

This put me in mind of a group of questions that I think hold the meaning to life.  I swear I think that, it's probably because I can't answer them - or maybe I'm afraid to answer them - I'm not sure which is true - maybe it's just that I'm not ready to answer them.  But I got them off this newsletter about mental health from our insurance company as I was pondering therapy to help me clarify some things - my marriage not the least of them.  I typed these 8 questions up and open the document every so often and contemplate my life.  So today I'm going to give it a shot.  Maybe if I put some answers down - it'll be easier for me to decide if that's really want I want.  I'm a better editor than writer if you know what I mean, so don't hold me too tightly to them.

1) What do you want? forget about goals for a moment - what do you REALLY want?  Peace.  Confidence.  Health.  Love.  Lust.

2) When you have the life you want, what will it look like, be like - what kind of feeling will you have around your life? joy? a sense of serenity? or confidence that you're ready for anything?  All those things; joy, a sense of serenity, and confidence that I'm ready for anything, and lots and lots of good sex.  (I'm horny, can you tell?)

3) How will you know - what will tell you when you have what you want in your life?  Try to be as specific as possible.  "I'll know when I'm doing something with passion and purpose," or "I'll know when I'm debt-free and have extra income and a nest egg for my child's college education."  I'll know when I'm not stressed all the time and running from one place to the next and worried I'm heading in the wrong direction and maybe it'll hurt a little to sit down in a certain way :)

4) What impact will living the life you want have on other areas, for example, family or close friends, or where you might be living?  I'll have richer relationships with extended family and close friends as I'll have the confidence to risk more and be more open inviting the same from them.  We'll still live here.

5) What's preventing you from getting what you want?  Fear?  Uncertainty?  Lack of specifics?

6) What resources do you currently have - and what additional resources do you need to help get what you want?  Hmmmm.  I have a good support system, that I don't use unless pushed to the wall for the most part - the hold up is all about me, I think.

7) What steps can you take this week to help you move forward with your vision?  I'm answering these questions, aren't I?

8) How will you acknowledge your progress?  Taking time to celebrate what you accomplish along the way is a critical - and often neglected - factor in success.  Building on a sense of achievement can help get you through the hard times.  And nothing begets success like success!  The health I want starts with weight loss and I got a band and I'm doing this blog with all you lovely people to help me achieve that part of my goal.  As for the rest, I have absolutely committed to being more open to the world and more honest with myself - I'm trying to truly listen to what I want, what I need to make me happy and complete and then trying to stay true to that.  No more hiding behind what I think people want me to be.

So tell me - how do you guys answer these questions?  Pick and chose - answer 1 or 4 or none at all, What do you think?

OMG Holy Freaking 47 days

This is nothing but a freak out.

There are 47 days until our annual Christmas party.  I love Christmas at our house - I love my house decorated for Christmas - I go a little bit crazy - maybe.  I think there were 7 trees last year.  Three full sized ones inside along with assorted smaller ones.. and really that's just the beginning.  There are lights around all of the windows and we have a shit load of windows.  Okay it's only the windows in the front - so it's only half a load.  The garage doors, the outside blue spruce I bought because it grows slowly and can be covered in lights all throughout my kids' childhoods - thought at about 10' it's getting pretty hard to do.  I could go on and on - but you get the idea.  I may have a little disease.  But then, the first Saturday in December we have a big party - the more the merrier - lots of fun is had by all and the house looks great, if I do say so myself.  


This is all well and good and we've learned to start decorating early so as to stave off divorce (which until recently was a complete joke... and hopefully will be again).  So we have traditionally glossed over Halloween which is really my favorite holiday and started full boar on Xmas on November 1 so that we have a month to get ready; culminating in getting our 1 real tree on the Friday after Thanksgiving so we have the weekend to decorate it and then only 1 more week till the party.


WELL.... OMG.  What the hell are we thinking this year?  In the next 47 days.  We have to have Halloween, which means finding costumes and doing some form of decorating and doing the candy thing and whatnot.  And decorate the house for Xmas.  This wouldn't be any different than any other year except... we are having our basement finished right now.  They are mudding and taping the drywall this week, painting maybe starting Thursday - we're getting there - but my entire foyer is covered in ONE MILLION boxes.  It's a stack of boxes probably 6' x 10' x 6'.  Did I mention my husband collects comic books.  We had a special closet room built in the basement for them.  So in the next 47 days, we've got to finish the basement, get the shelves built in the comic room, move all those freakin' boxes down there, move a bunch of furniture that goes down there - to down there - get the Foosball and air hockey tables down there and whatever else goes into getting the crap into the basement that belongs in the basement.


And then decorate the house that is a major dusty mess because of the basement work.  OH and did I mention that we're going to Disney for Thanksgiving.  (Okay lest I seem like an ungrateful bitch - these are wonderful, superfantastic problems to have.  I'm getting my basement done and going on vacation - I get it - I'm so thrilled to be able to do both of those things I can't stand myself - but this is not the point.)  The point is - I'm gone the whole week before the party - well I get back one week before party day.  And we'll have Sunday to get and decorate the tree - and the whole house has to already be decorated before we leave.


So really that's 31 days until we leave for vacation and we have to move the boxes and the furniture and set up the shelves and other basement whatnot - AND decorate the whole house, inside and out, for the party.  I'm having a little freak out over here.  I think I might be hyperventilating.  It's not like we don't both work and don't have at minimum 5 sport things for the kids each week - though this week we get to add basketball tryouts too - yipee.  And Brad leaves tomorrow for the rest of the week and will be up and back between here and FL every week until we leave.  OMG  okay - I know, deep breath in, shot of vodka, deep breath out, shot of vodka.  Vodka's okay for the band, right?

Meet the kids

First we have Teddy, he's 12.  He's a carbon copy of my husband in every way except looks.  He looks like me only way cuter, but he is so completely and utterly my husband it's hilarious.  He plays soccer in the fall, basketball in the winter, baseball and soccer in the spring and he swims in the summer.  Despite all these sports he's the laziest human alive.  (Okay my husband is neither an athlete nor remotely lazy - it's his personality not his habits that are Brad's)  He's too smart for his own good and has yet to be challenged in school so it's easy for him to slack off.  He's working on that.  He's thoughtful and empathetic and kind (except to his brother).  Adults love him as he's a 40 year old in a 12 year old's body and he listens carefully and asks thoughtful questions.  He loves to read so much so that every single night since he could first honestly read a book on his own we have had to go back into his room after putting him to bed to take the book he turned his light back on to read away from him.  The books have changed but the nightly ritual has not.  This is not a good picture of him, but it's the best recent one I have.

 

And then there's Jackson.  He's almost 10 and insane.  He's very cute and has a very infectious personality.  He's extremely witty and fully understands sarcasm and irony.  He makes us laugh every single day.  He'll just drop a very dry one liner quietly into a conversastion and have us all laughing till we're wiping away the tears.  He too plays sports all year long; flag football, basketball, flag football and we're going to try baseball this spring too, and swimming in the summer.  He's really the true athlete of the family, but he has anxiety issues so it's hard for him to try.  But usually once he does he likes it.  He idolizes his brother, though claims to hate him.  They're at fun ages - not.  He regularly checks with me to ask if it's okay if he goes jogging around the neighborhood.  Who does that at age 9?  (or 8 for that matter) - crazy kid.  He frequently speaks with an accent or in a made up language - which my mother is known for as well. Currently he's walking around saying "flergin flagger" in a bad Swiss accent.  No idea where this came from, but it's oh so Jackson. Oh I didn't say, he's me.  Completely and utterly me.  Very practical, tons of common sense, and a little crazy. Me as an apple didn't fall far from my mom's tree and Jackson is sitting right on my feet roots. 

kids and parenting and weight

It's been hard and wonderful and educational and emotional to read all of the thoughtful posts this week about this subject so I want to thank everyone who posted or commented (though I'm sure I didn't see all the posts yet).

I was a fat kid, at least that's what I've always thought.  But in the last couple of years as I posted old pictures of my sister and me on Facebook I am seeing that I really wasn't.  I was certainly thicker than my tiny, twig-like sister, but I wasn't fat. 

(I updated blogger and can't make the pictures do what I want so sorry for the blank spaces)

I'm 2 years older than my sister and she's always been very, very thin and I was never very thin.  By junior high and high school I was beyond chunky.  And this isn't really the point.  The point is - I suffered from a mild form of depression for nearly all of my childhood and really on into college.  I was totally functional to the outside world and if you knew me back then you never would have suspected.  But the world was a very scary place and I really didn't know how to navigate within it - but I was really, really good at faking it.  Every bit of energy I had (which wasn't much) went into blending in, following the path of least resistance, mimicking what others did.  I did what I thought would give me the least amount of long term or real attention possible.  And the rest of the time I did my best to hide.  Here and there growing up I had what I then called 'moments of clarity'.  It was during those moments that I could ask my teacher a question, or later when I was older go in and fill out a job application, or just talk to someone new.


It wasn't until I was an adult and nearly married and suffered from a full blown case of depression and then ultimately came out of it with the help of therapy and drugs and the clouds parted and I could see the world clearly that I really understood what was going on when I was a kid.  Because when I came out of the depression as an adult and the world was clear - it was the exact same thing as my moments of clarity growing up.  The world might still be scary, but I was capable of doing things - asking questions, talking, being, breathing.

I remember very little from my childhood.  I wasn't abused, I was just living in a big, thick, deep fog.  I can't remember what my room looked like, or really even our house.  With a few exceptions, who my friends were, or how I spent my time.  It's now a family joke just how little I know from my childhood - I routinely call my sister or this friend who I've known since before kindergarten if I need to know something from back then.  The reason for the little trip down memory lane is that I think my childhood depression was significantly related to my body image - whether or not it was the correct image.  I was the fat one and I just didn't want to be that, so my brain hid for me.  


Deciding to have kids was really frightening for me.  Not only because I can't remember my own and don't have anything to draw on, but because I don't want any kid to have to hide that way - what I do remember isn't all that good.  I had a wonderful mom who I knew was always struggling with her weight and who put me on a diet every once in a while - but for the most part I don't think it was that huge a deal coming from her - but that's mostly a guess knowing her now.  Dan and I talked and talked about when and if we'd ever be ready and finally we had this amazing epiphany - No matter what we do, how good we are, how hard we try at some point our kids are going to end up in therapy blaming us for their crazy.  Maybe it'll be because we forced them to eat their vegetables, or maybe we made them study too hard or not enough - who knows, but there will be a reason and they will end up there.  It was pretty freeing actually.


But anyway - back to my point.  I had my first one at 32 and I vowed to myself then that if she (I believed I would only have girls) had weight problems I would move heaven and earth to make them go away while she was young.  I didn't know how at the time - but I believed then that the trauma of being fat as a girl growing up was worse than the trauma of losing weight during that time - or hopefully before that time.  I'm not sure I don't still believe that, but I don't currently have that issue.


Now to the parenting part - I have 2 boys.  One was born to eat and one was not.   Since birth Tommy has eaten like there was no tomorrow and the sweeter the better.  Neither of my kids had any sweets until their 1st birthday cake, so before then it was the sweeter things like sweet potatoes or corn for Tom.  My point is - while there's no doubt we teach some of this into or out of our kids - some if it they are just born with.  As much as Tommy likes to eat Jason could give a rats ass.  He'll want a big yummy chocolate sundae and then eat 3 bites and be done.  He's had enough.  Tommy will eat his and then beg for Jay's cuz it's a flat out crime to let all that goodness go to waste. 

They both play sports year round and I know that's helps - really it's critical.  Tommy was on his way to being chunky when he was put on a medicine that has a side effect of making him less interested in food when he was in 2nd grade.  He lost every bit of his chunk but I'm scared shitless that he'll get it back when he goes off this drug next year.  He only takes a tiny dose and it's half what he used to take, but still.  We don't make them clean their plates.  They don't get dessert every night.  They do have to eat at least some protein in order to get dessert on those nights we have it.  They've never known me to be on a "diet", I don't want them to see a big, long, constant struggle.  I'm honest, but I don't delve on things.  We always have fruit out and available and they are both addicted to it BUT neither Dan nor I cook.  We suck at regular good, balanced, healthy meals.  There are too many chicken nuggets and spaghetti.  Too much pizza or take out.  


We both work and they both play sports.  We have 2 soccer practices and 1 game each week for Tommy and 1 football practice and 1 game for Jason and Dan travels about 1/3 of the time - so there are just so many nights when there are 5 minutes for dinner in between homework and practice that we both rely on what's fast more than what's best.  We're better on the weekends, but in the past year I've really been trying to push health.  I still don't have off limit foods for them, but I'll comment about the health level of their choices.  I cook more - I just made my first soup - butternut squash and it was delish.


But - I am truly scared about this.  Tommy is on the cusp of puberty and I'm just scared to death what might happen to his weight if he stops playing sports.  I just really feel inadequate in this area.  So - I guess I had nothing to offer here - but it was cathartic to write it all out so thanks for that. LOL.  I think I still believe that the trauma of growing up fat is worse than the trauma of figuring out how to be healthy while you're still young.  But not having girls (which I think is different for this issue) and not having the issue probably severely colors my opinion on this right now.  So I guess.. I have no fucking idea.

Weigh in and BYOC

Weigh in
This morning I weighed 206.6.  A loss of 2.8 for the week and 28.4 in total.  I'm not exactly sure why, but I was beyond thrilled with the 206.6.  It was more than I expected given my less than stellar eating choices last weekend - they weren't flat out awful, just not all that great.  But, Monday through Thursday I was spot on.  I had 4 good days on the treadmill.  I ate all my protein and drank all my water so I was really happy to see that I had a good solid loss.

On to this week’s BYOC – Bring Your Own Crazy – where we answer 5 little questions to get to know each other better. Copy to your blog and enjoy!

1. Tell me about someone you envy.

Envy is a pretty powerful word.  Everyday I feel very blessed to have the life I have.  I have good friends, phenomenal children, a good brain, a good job, food on the table, laughter in my life - it's a pretty good deal.  Are there things that others have that I wish I did?  Sure, but overall, I think I'm doing pretty darn well and truly don't envy anyone.

2. What makes you angry?

• When people say one thing and do another
• The fact that every time I hit enter in this post it throws me to the very bottom of the page
• Lying
• When people act as if they are listening only to discover they weren't at all
• When people tell you something as if they know it's a fact when really they are just guessing
• injustice

 
3. In an effort to help so many that seem to be blue and sad….what do you do when you feel very sad or depressed?
 

I hibernate for a bit and then I attempt to do something about it.  

• Exercise is always a good one, though so hard to get started when you feel down.  
• Find something that I know will make me laugh; a movie or TV show
• Find a friend to go out with, even if I am not ready to vent about anything.
• IM my friend Camille - I'll always vent to her and that's always a good thing

4. If you were stranded on a lonely beach, what five things would you want with you to survive (not people)?

• A sailboat (I don't believe in absolutes like being "stranded")
• Food
• Water
• A solar powered GPS
• A Satellite phone

 
5. Repeat question: Summarize your week in real life and blogland.

In life it's been pretty good.  I'm feeling more hopeful about my husband, though not for any concrete reason - maybe we've given each other enough space that we can start to see each other??  Whatever, I'll take it.  Our basement is coming along and that's so, so fun!  Between the two main rooms down there I was having a barn door built to separate them.  It will slide on a cool rail system to reveal a 6' opening between the rooms that can be left opened if we're having a party.  The door got built today and it's absolutely, exactly what I wanted and I'm so thrilled.  (and speaking of parties we have our annual Christmas Party the first Saturday in December - any and all BOOBs are welcome!  We're in MD and believe strongly in the more the merrier.  Maybe I'll find time to meet Linda and Bonnie before then since they are both so close to me - we'll see)

In blogland - It's been hard to see so many of you struggling right now, but it seems to me there are some signs of a turn around and I'm flat out thrilled for that. It's been interesting reading all of the thoughts about kids and fat.  I'll be adding my own thoughts maybe tomorrow; it's such a really tough topic and all the thoughtful posts about it have really made me think about some things.

Hope everyone has a wonderful week!