Sunday, January 2, 2011

My New Year's Intentions list..... oh boy.

I really like the idea of a list of intentions - not so much resolutions,  that feel so much more... permanent...  pass or fail... good or bad.  Whereas intentions is more like - where do you want to head?  More like - what's your direction going to be vs. what's the end result going to be... yeah, that's it.

Okay so....
  1. I want to work on simplifying my life.  Purge those things I don't love or don't need.
  2. I'm going to let out my inner neat freak.  Because I suffer from PSDS I had to let go of my need for everything to be in its place.  It was just too stressful.  Especially when I had kids, some things needed to go if I was going to remain sane. Well my youngest is now 10 and I just can't live this way anymore.  Things are clean, but there are always.  Always.  piles of shit here or there.  Mail that just hasn't been put away, stuff that needs to go upstairs, school papers that need to be filed.  The balance changed a while ago, but it took me a long time to figure it out.  It used to be more stressful to worry about that stuff while the kids were young and we were both working (I'm not the superwoman that others are) - but now it's more stressful not to worry about that stuff.  I was able to keep Betty, my inner neat freak, locked away in one of my secure boxes in my brain and ignore her.  But the kids require less constant stuff; they can feed and dress themselves - that kind of thing and I can now hear Betty kicking and screaming to get out.  Watch out world, I'm letting her out.
  3. I want to lose a bunch of weight.  I don't want to be more specific than that because I don't think I'll know where I want to get to until I'm there.  I do know that I want to step up my efforts for the next 20 lbs.  When I lost a bunch of weight several years ago I got down to 175 and felt really good there.  Not that I wanted to stay there, but I felt good.  I want to step up my efforts until I get back there.  Then I can continue on with my original weight loss efforts and we'll see what we see.
  4. I want to get back to the workout mama I used to be.  I love to sweat.  I love to work out and I want to get back to it seriously.  (for those of you who don't - I didn't used to love it, but one day I told myself it would be easier if I did, so I decided that I loved it.  I would literally cheer when the first bead of sweat would trickle down somewhere.  Every time I worked out I reminded myself I loved this feeling.  Over time I noticed the things that truly were wonderful about it; sleep, energy, mood, etc.  And I just started believing the hype.  Even though it was my hype - I wore myself down.  If I can do it, I swear so can you.  Give it a try, I dare you.)  (but you will need to commit to this "experiment" for a year or more)
  5. I want to have a better sense of what I want from my husband and marriage.  Where I think we're going.  I think, even if I decide I can't keep doing this, I'm not going to go anywhere.  It's not so awful and I just don't want to do that to my kids when they are in or nearing puberty.  Not to mention my husband has given me permission to have sex with other men.  Which I suppose is a whole different post - but it is what it is.  I'd never do anything behind his back.  But maybe at some point in the next year - we'll go to counseling, or I'll decide I can't keep trying anymore and find someone else who can meet some of my emotional needs, or we'll figure out how to be happy together again.  This one is really part of number 1 above; I want to simplify.  And right now, it's just not simple. 
Okay, that's way more than enough!!!

Happy New Year to everyone.  I'll throw out some more MIL stories tomorrow!

5 comments:

Stephanie said...

WOW, Read ... I love your New Year's intentions, but #5 has really floored me. I can't imagine Shawn giving me permission to do something like that. I hope you're able to get the counseling you need. My thoughts and prayers are with you both. *BIG HUGS*

Silverhairedgoddess said...

Great intentions !

Your husband was joking, right!! Having a beautiful wife must be too much for him. I hope he comes to his senses!

Drazil said...

First off LOVE becoming a sweat whore again.

Second - you simply cannot drop a bomb like #5 and not elaborate. Wow. Like I have 60,000 questions going through my head right now..........love you dear. Hang tight....

Bonnie said...

I used to love working out too. I'm hoping to get back to that this year. I hope that you and Brad can work through your issues. I commend you for considering your children because I don't care how many studies show that kids of divorce are fine, they still are effected negatively no matter how well-handled. I know that sometimes divorce is necessary, but it should be the very last resort. Dave and I went through a very rough time when our kids were younger and I honestly didn't think we would make it. However, we got through it and now at 16.5 years together I can't imagine my life without him. But I know all relationships are different and I'm only saying this because I hope you and Brad can get to a good place where your not staying with him because you have to, but because you want to. Can't wait to hear some more MIL stories. Next time we get together we need to compare. I have a couple that will blow your mind (ie, my MIL told my husband when he was 16, in the middle of a fight, "you think you know everything? Well your father isn't really your father." Turns out, the man Dave thought was his father was not his biological father. Nice!

Susan said...

Read - love your list. Kids are so stressful on a marriage. I totally relate to the piles of stuff around. I try and try but never seem to make a dent.