Monday, January 10, 2011

Let's talk about my Mother-in-law, shall we...

Okay – well… She’s a lovely person who means well.  And if there was some way to make her truly understand what a pain in the ass she is, she’d be horrified.

Some of the things we see and hear every day.

To Jackson
Every time she sees him, even if he was just in the room 2 minutes ago and has now come back.  “Iiiiisssnn’t he cuuuute?  He’s such a cutie.” said in a little baby voice to my 10 year old.  “I just want to eat him up.  I’m gonna pack him up and put him in my suitcase and take him with me.  Hey Jackson, how would you like that?”

“What?” he always answers as he’s totally learned to tune her out.

“How would you like it if I packed you up and put you in my suitcase and took you home with me?”

“No.” He answers flatly as he quickly leaves the room again, hoping to catch my eye so he can roll his.

About half the time she continues to me “Would you mind if I packed him up and put him in my suitcase and took him home with me?” 

Depending on my mood I might answer – “Yes, Ricky, I would still mind.  Just like I said the last time you asked, you still can’t take him home with you.”

Just to keep count she said the sentence “…I’m gonna pack him/you up and put him/you in my suitcase..” three separate times in that one little interchange.  And that little convo happens at least 3 or 4 times in the short time I see her after work and before bed.  Every. Single. Day.

To Teddy
Ricky: Look at me.

Teddy reluctantly tears his eyes away from the TV or book to look at her expectantly.

Ricky: Your eyes.  You prolly (spelling intentional) don’t want to hear this, but you’ve got the pretties eyes.

Teddy does have gorgeous, big, very green eyes that people have been commenting on his entire life, but he’s heard her tell him this exact same thing no less than 30 times in the week or so she’s been here.

Teddy: uh, thanks (mumbled as only a pre teen can do)

Ricky (to me):  doesn’t he have the prettiest eyes.  Oh!  (she looks furtively around for Jackson who has the exact same eyes only his are hazel so not as eye popping) well, of course Jackson has pretty eyes too. 

Me: yes, they both are very lucky to have beautiful eyes.

To me (I get a choice of several):
Choice 1
Ricky: I think it’s better now then it was when I was growing up, people are more tollrent (spelling intentional) now.  I think gays are fine.  They’re people too just like normal people. 

Me: Ricky, they are normal people.  Unlike you.  (okay, I may just want to say that last part)

Choice 2:
Ricky: I didn’t vote for him, but that poor Labamba (spelling intentional) is getting blamed for everything.

Me: His name is Obama.  I don’t care if you don’t agree with him, but you have to learn his name;  he’s the President of the United States.  Say it with me.  O…. Bam…. A.

Ricky: But they blame him for everything.  He should be putting in those things that what’s his name… Clinton had, cuz when he left office there was a surplus.  My church doesn’t like the death squads he has.  As if he really wants to kill old people.

Me: OMG, we’ve been over this.  The death squads don’t exist.  They were created by his opponents and made up.  It was a lie.  It’s not real.  I promise you it’s not real.  I believe Sarah Palin first used the term in a speech.

Ricky: I think that Sharon Falin (spelling intentional) is a pretty woman, but I wouldn’t want her to be the vice president or the president.

I could go on, but you get the idea.  I could have both sides of all the conversations with her for tonight before I get there.

The ick factor (I’m sorry Draz, if you are reading this, you should probably stop now):
She burps and farts.  A lot.  “Oh, skoos me” she says.  A lot.  I have to check the top of the toilettes in the two bathrooms she uses a lot as there is often stuff left on the seat that just shouldn’t be there.

She is a diabetic and on a lot of medication.  She takes her meds in the morning including giving herself an insulin shot – which she does by twisting her body and pulling down her pants at the breakfast table regardless of who’s in the room with her.  My children have seen FAR more than they ever needed to see of a 65ish year old woman.

She often walks around the house in an old fashioned house coat.  The kind that buttons up the front.  Hers stops above her knees and is very old.  So as she sits with her legs apart (as she often does) – we all get to see far more than we bargained for. 

Me: Close your legs Ricky!

Her: Oh skoos me.

17 comments:

Amy W. said...

hahaha, this was terrible and wonderful at the same time. I read the entire thing, and love the misspelled words! My favorite segment however, has to be the Obama piece.

lurv it.

Rachel said...

Read,

You are prolly (intentional sp LOL) one of the funniest bloggers I've had the chance to read. I was laughing loudly and inappropriately in my office. Thank you for that

tessierose said...

I for one am so glad she's there, because I just got the best Monday afternoon laugh session! Snorted and all!!! You kill me!

Libby said...

Your MIL and mine should hang out. They could drive each other crazy and leave us in peace.

Execellent description!

~Lisa~ said...

Oh, skooz me! I just spewed coffee all over my screen!! What a hoot! Thank you for a wonderful Monday laugh!!

Enjoy a martini!

Jen said...

Oh, Skooze me, I'm snorting laughing.

Stephanie said...

Oh dear ... LOL. I'm sitting here laughing so hard my sides are hurting. (Skooze me! LOL) Bless your hearts for having to put up with that. *HUGS*

Island Bandit said...

I soooooo look forward to your mil updates. She. cracks. me. up.

FitBy40 said...

I have to apologize that I'm laughing at your pain, but this is hilarious! I think I might send this post to my MIL so she can get a kick out of it. She and I have a great relationship.
Oh good Lord, you are a saint to put up with this for so long, after working all day.

Joey said...

Oh you poor dear! That would drive me up a MF wall! I don't even talk baby-talk to babies.

Maria said...

You must have the patience of a saint! That would drive me up the wall and back!

Band Geek said...

OMG, poor you, but that was a beautiful depiction of your nightmare. Um, does she visit often?

Sandy Lee said...

Is the visit almost over. I think you might need a few drinks after all that. Hope we don't read about you "kiwing" her.

Sarah G said...

LMAO!

Drazil said...

My MIL does a lot of things but if she ever burps and farts around me - it's over. I'm leaving Rambo the next day. Not kidding. How the hell do you put up with this? Wowser.

Stephanie M. said...

Oh. My. God. This is hysterical. I should have gone to pee before I read this. (Skooze me.) You should write a book. I can totally hear this whole exchange in my head. I'm sorry for your pain, but puh-LEEEEZ have her visit more often. I want more Ricky stories!

Bonnie said...

Hilarious. Much funnier than the stories of my raging bitch, self-centered mother-in-law.