Thursday, January 13, 2011

Extended stays, MILs and lesbians.... this isn't funny people!!

I'm minding my own business.  I've got my head down.  I'm sitting at my desk working diligently.  My cell phone rings - which it never does at work.  Surprised, I pick it up and then POW I get wacked upside the head.  And who's doing the whacking, you ask?  Ricky, my MIL by way of my husband. 

Brad: Honey, in a wierd kind of way, my mom just asked if she could stay longer.

Wait!  What?  She's leaving today.  Her plane takes off at 3:30.  It's in my calendar..... yup, I checked, it's still there. 

Me: (frantically thinking of a reason other than my sanity, which I know is totally valid, why she can't stay.  But really, other than the pure insanity that is my MIL she's just another kid in the house that needs to be watched and managed.  And I don't think the rest of the world is as nice to her as we are.  Of course my mom says this is my first problem.)  um.  What did she say?

Him: we were getting her hair done (so she'd look purdy for all her friends back home) and she started talking about how nice we are to her and how much she's enjoying  herself and was thinking she might want to stay a little longer.  (Her flight was due to take off in about 4 hours - and now's when she mentions it)  I can't think of any reason for her not to stay a little longer - at least not until I start traveling again.  (OMG - I can't either.  I'm even working ridiculous hours so I'm barely even seeing her - it's not like it even effects me that much.)

Me: For how much longer?

Him: A week or so.  (that "or so" in Brad speak means - for as long as she wants until I have to travel again the week of January 24th.)

Me:  Okay. woo hoo.

So now I'll get to tell you guys about the talk I had to have with her in advance of our friends and their two daughters coming over to watch football last weekend.....

We'd been looking for an opportunity to have this family over for a while and it all seemed to come together perfectly.  My very, very, good friend Jen and her family which includes twin girls in the 3rd grade were already coming over and our other friends have twin girls in the 4th grade with Jackson - not to mention both families are a little "crunchier" than Brad and I and just knew they'd hit it off really well so that was a total bonus.

So there I am putting together some football munchies and straightening up a little extra as this is the first time these particular friends are coming over as they're fairly new to our neighborhood.  Jen is totally a part of my family - we've been friends since before Brad and I got married and have been through everything together - she's the kind of friend I'd never clean for - LOL.  But, I've got the music cranked and am all kinds of pleased with myself cuz I just know that Jen and Renee are really going to hit if off and when else would I have the opportunity to get them in the same room.  And then.  OMG.  It hits me.

My mother-in-law is here.  Man am I good at denial, or what?  This is the same woman who ever single day says "I think gays are just as good as normal people"  I swear she means well - but - okay I can only tell you they are normal people just like you and me so many times.  Our friends who are coming over - who've never been to our house before - they're gay and I'm bringing them here while Ricky's here.  For the first time.  They don't know me well enough for the potential pitfalls not to worry me. 

She'd never be mean, she's not a mean person - but she's... she's something.  She's a serious talker and I could see her saying something like... "so, I don't think I'd want to have sex (whispered) with another man again after my Darryl died cuz I only did that when I had to with him, but maybe with a woman it would be different, what do you think Renee? Is sex better with a woman?"  Or maybe she'd go off on a political tangent; "Like I tell Read every day, I think you are just as good as normal people, I think the government gives you a bad wrap."  OMG.  They're going to think we're insane.  Or she'll tell them how her friend Lois at church had a son who died of aids and lived with a man but he wasn't gay; Lois is sure of it.

So I sat that woman down and we had a talk about lesbians and what it was okay to say and what it wasn't okay to say.  And she said to me "Oh Read, I wouldn't say anything like that.  Do you think I'm that dumb?"  Man if there was ever a loaded question....  But I managed to restrain myself and said - no, I don't think you're dumb, I think you're curious and might start asking them questions you'd never ask a couple if it was a man and a woman.  You can't ask them about their sex life, promise me Ricky.  You will not ask them about their sex life. 

But - eh, that's all I could do.  Everyone came over, we watched football, Ricky talked non-stop - she had a new audiance - poor Renee and Lori - they got to learn about all 237 sisters and brothers she has and all their ailments and what her niece Carrie is in jail for now - and how Carrie's kids all have kids of their own now, even the 15 year old.  Eventually, the game got really good and we all started ignoring  her and she went up to take a nap.

After the neighbors left, Brad and Jen both were shocked at how well Ricky did and I told them of the conversation I had with her.  Jen laughed - and Brad thanked God he wasn't within ear shot.

The upside to this, I suppose is that I'll have a few more blog posts coming.... Please send me strength!!

And there's no doubt that from this point forward she'll talk about our nice lesbian (whispered) friends who were just as good as normal people.


Darlin1 said...

Read--you are an amazing woman!

I'm proud of you!!

amandakiska said...

This would be really funny if it weren't true!

Amanda said...

lolol! I had a male customer come in and read the title of your blog! He was all curious about what I was reading!

You are such a better woman then me!

Jacquie said...

Hugs Read! You are going straight to Heaven when the time comes!

Alison said...

I'm sorry you're having to put up with her but I love reading about her!

Miss Vickie "The Queen Bee" said...

You know what? As much as Ricky is a bit of a PITA, I would have said she could stay longer too. I mean, what else could you do? You are a great daughter in law, and I'm sure you're MIL really does love you. So, here's to you, Read! I know you will be blessed by your kindness and patience. Please keep the stories coming though, I am LMAO!!!!!

tessierose said...

You kill me, really you do! If you ever get to make a sitcom about it, I want to be Ricky, I've got a great voice I use when I read her parts!

Sandy Lee said...

Can't wait for the next installment of the MIL Chronicles! You are a doll for doing this for your DH, so milk it and make him pay. Maybe a nice romantic evening/weekend to make up for any hassle you have to endure. Or maybe work lots of overtime.

Silverhairedgoddess said...

I love reading your posts -

You should really write a book about your experiences with your MIL - you would make a fortune !!

~Lisa~ said...

I too am anxiously awaiting the next chapter in the MIL Chronicles! Got my computer screen cleaned of all the coffee I've spewed on it while reading up to now...

Something About Kellie said...

Oh to be a fly on the wall whilst your MIL is there! How exciting it would be!

Your MIL stories remind me of an Aussie TV series called Kath & Kim - which I think is hilarious :)

I am sending a good dose of virtual strength your way as I type!

Look forward to the next intallment.....

Dawnya said...

Okay...I just stumbled upon your blog from some of the other ladies I am following. Let me just say I'm in tears laughing at your MIL issues.

I have been there and done that and saw the movie.

I will pray for you daily until she is gone...because honey only divine intervention can save your sanity at this point.

Anonymous said...

Wow ... I'm glad she behaved herself but BLESS YOU for having to put up with her even longer. I want to be you when I grow up. Seriously. *Hugs*

Lyla said...

Hahahaha-- Ok, please forgive me, but having to have a talk with your MIL about appropriate social behaviors make me laugh out loud. But I get what you're saying-- my mom, thinking she is being oh so liberated, says things like "well, I don't understand it at all but I don't think there's anything wrong with being a lesbian" I've had to have talks with her too, about any number of stupid crap she says but at least she's open to it, I'll give her that.

But you're right, your MIL is a child. Hahaha.

Joey said...

Hahahahahaha! It's funny because it's not my life! Wait. Crap. It is. Except it's MY mom who is nuts. PLUS a crazy lying addict who wants to stay with us for 3 months at a time. Shit!