PSDS and BFD and a goal

So for that last post, there was other stuff but I got totally derailed.

Anyway – let’s talk goals and milestones, shall we?

I am not a goal setter.  I think it’s in large part because I suffer from Perfectionist Self Doubter Syndrome, that’s PSDS to the rest of the world.  If I were to set a goal to clean my room that room would be frickin’ amazing when I was done.  You could eat off any surface, the drawers would all be perfectly organized, socks filed arranged by color, hanging clothes all equidistant apart and arranged by both color and how far from the bar they hang.  I could go on and on.  And on and on and on.  But the point it – over time this compulsion only got worse and for a while it kept me from cleaning my room at all because unfortunately life would continue on while I was cleaning so I could never get it “done”.  There was always laundry or something so all the socks weren’t in the drawer, and all the stuff wasn’t available to be hung up – and not being able to “finish” – that was a serious problem.  It would weigh on me for days, or maybe decades.  The perfectionist part of PSDS is a toughie.  Over time I learned to narrow the goal.  Clean the closet.  Organize the sock drawer.  That kind of thing.  The rest was way too overwhelming. 

This leads me to weight loss goals.  Never!  I’ve absolutely never ever set one.  And that’s the SD part of PSDS.  If I can’t be absolutely sure I will reach the specific goal at the appointed time well.. the world as I know it will end.  I don’t know what that means – but it’s a BFD.  (okay a tangent about my mom.  I’m in college and my mother (the woman who gave birth to me) comes to visit.  During that visit something happened that would have resulted in a college student saying ‘big fucking deal’ – My mom, who’s always been more kid than mom didn’t skip a beat and started miming.  Yes, I said miming.  She first put her hands WAY far apart, then made a circle with her left thumb and forefinger and repeatedly stuck her right forefinger in the circle and back out and in and out and in and out – I think you get the picture.  Then she mimicked dealing cards. – From that point forward that was how all my friends and I said B.F.D. through the rest of college – so now I can’t think of Big Fucking Deal without seeing my mom do that – okay end of tangent.)

So, no weight loss goals.  So like all of you, I’ve dieted and I’ve tried a variety of things with varying levels of short term successes, but I’ve done it all on the Q.T.  Shhhhh.  Don’t tell anyone – least of all me – that I’m doing this – because, what if I can’t.  What if I fail?  Then what?  That does not go with the P in me.  Failure is not an option – so that means goals are not an option.

I think I need to come out of the closet.  I need to be less hush hush and more clear – at least to myself – maybe not to the rest of the world – about some goals.  My first attempt was to join the Holiday Challenge.  I joined.  It was public.  Sure, none of you know me.  But some of you have read here – some of you would see my name; success or failure on the chart Kristin created.  I actively didn’t do anything special during the challenge.  It was really a whole different kind of challenge for me.  I wanted to see if my reaction could be a calm one.  Just continue to go on about my business – or was I going to freak the fuck out?  Was I going to immediately eat chocolate morning, noon, and night?  Because if I can’t succeed, I will fail spectacularly.  It will be the mother of all failures.  It will be the best, most impressive failure that’s ever been seen.  That’s really the whole PSDS in me – the mother of all failures – yup, that’s me.

Okay – the point is – I joined this thing, and I didn’t die.  I said it out loud.  I sent in my weights.  I did just fine.  God forbid I put some effort into it – that would have been way, way, way too much for my first little foray into the world of goals – but I did it and it was fine.  It was fun even.  I found a bunch of new blogs to follow – I was thrilled as others had big successes.  I rooted hard for those who were struggling.  It was a group thing and I liked it.  A lot.  Who knew?

Well I set this goal for myself.  I’m setting an achievable goal.  But one I’ll have to work for.  I think it’s okay to do this, because I truly think I’m okay if I don’t make it – and that’s the point.  I hope that’s the point.  I’m not hiding it.  I’m telling myself about it.  I have a calendar in my closet where I count down the days to some future thing and on it I track my weight and my exercise (sorely lacking in December, btw).  I’ve been doing this for years.  Well I’ve put my goal in black and white for me to see every damn day.  This is a huge BFD for me.  Seriously big.  But there it is.  My name is Read and I suffer from PSDS – the first step in getting better is admitting you have a problem. 

My goal is to loose 50 lbs by the 7 month bandiversary.  To weight 185 or less by February 2, 2011.  Now you know too – shhhh, don’t tell anyone.