Wednesday, December 29, 2010

PSDS and BFD and a goal

So for that last post, there was other stuff but I got totally derailed.

Anyway – let’s talk goals and milestones, shall we?

I am not a goal setter.  I think it’s in large part because I suffer from Perfectionist Self Doubter Syndrome, that’s PSDS to the rest of the world.  If I were to set a goal to clean my room that room would be frickin’ amazing when I was done.  You could eat off any surface, the drawers would all be perfectly organized, socks filed arranged by color, hanging clothes all equidistant apart and arranged by both color and how far from the bar they hang.  I could go on and on.  And on and on and on.  But the point it – over time this compulsion only got worse and for a while it kept me from cleaning my room at all because unfortunately life would continue on while I was cleaning so I could never get it “done”.  There was always laundry or something so all the socks weren’t in the drawer, and all the stuff wasn’t available to be hung up – and not being able to “finish” – that was a serious problem.  It would weigh on me for days, or maybe decades.  The perfectionist part of PSDS is a toughie.  Over time I learned to narrow the goal.  Clean the closet.  Organize the sock drawer.  That kind of thing.  The rest was way too overwhelming. 

This leads me to weight loss goals.  Never!  I’ve absolutely never ever set one.  And that’s the SD part of PSDS.  If I can’t be absolutely sure I will reach the specific goal at the appointed time well.. the world as I know it will end.  I don’t know what that means – but it’s a BFD.  (okay a tangent about my mom.  I’m in college and my mother (the woman who gave birth to me) comes to visit.  During that visit something happened that would have resulted in a college student saying ‘big fucking deal’ – My mom, who’s always been more kid than mom didn’t skip a beat and started miming.  Yes, I said miming.  She first put her hands WAY far apart, then made a circle with her left thumb and forefinger and repeatedly stuck her right forefinger in the circle and back out and in and out and in and out – I think you get the picture.  Then she mimicked dealing cards. – From that point forward that was how all my friends and I said B.F.D. through the rest of college – so now I can’t think of Big Fucking Deal without seeing my mom do that – okay end of tangent.)

So, no weight loss goals.  So like all of you, I’ve dieted and I’ve tried a variety of things with varying levels of short term successes, but I’ve done it all on the Q.T.  Shhhhh.  Don’t tell anyone – least of all me – that I’m doing this – because, what if I can’t.  What if I fail?  Then what?  That does not go with the P in me.  Failure is not an option – so that means goals are not an option.

I think I need to come out of the closet.  I need to be less hush hush and more clear – at least to myself – maybe not to the rest of the world – about some goals.  My first attempt was to join the Holiday Challenge.  I joined.  It was public.  Sure, none of you know me.  But some of you have read here – some of you would see my name; success or failure on the chart Kristin created.  I actively didn’t do anything special during the challenge.  It was really a whole different kind of challenge for me.  I wanted to see if my reaction could be a calm one.  Just continue to go on about my business – or was I going to freak the fuck out?  Was I going to immediately eat chocolate morning, noon, and night?  Because if I can’t succeed, I will fail spectacularly.  It will be the mother of all failures.  It will be the best, most impressive failure that’s ever been seen.  That’s really the whole PSDS in me – the mother of all failures – yup, that’s me.

Okay – the point is – I joined this thing, and I didn’t die.  I said it out loud.  I sent in my weights.  I did just fine.  God forbid I put some effort into it – that would have been way, way, way too much for my first little foray into the world of goals – but I did it and it was fine.  It was fun even.  I found a bunch of new blogs to follow – I was thrilled as others had big successes.  I rooted hard for those who were struggling.  It was a group thing and I liked it.  A lot.  Who knew?

Well I set this goal for myself.  I’m setting an achievable goal.  But one I’ll have to work for.  I think it’s okay to do this, because I truly think I’m okay if I don’t make it – and that’s the point.  I hope that’s the point.  I’m not hiding it.  I’m telling myself about it.  I have a calendar in my closet where I count down the days to some future thing and on it I track my weight and my exercise (sorely lacking in December, btw).  I’ve been doing this for years.  Well I’ve put my goal in black and white for me to see every damn day.  This is a huge BFD for me.  Seriously big.  But there it is.  My name is Read and I suffer from PSDS – the first step in getting better is admitting you have a problem. 

My goal is to loose 50 lbs by the 7 month bandiversary.  To weight 185 or less by February 2, 2011.  Now you know too – shhhh, don’t tell anyone.


tessierose said...

I'm sorry...are you living in my head? I think so, scary!

Lee Ann said...

wow, i totally (sadly) relate to this syndrome. if i can't be the best of the best, i'll be the best of the worst! it's hard for me to do things half way...even cleaning a room, so i frequently don't bother. thanks for the insight...i guess i need to find a way to reconcile that doing what you can is better than perfection. but where did this expectation of perfection come from, ya think?

LDswims said...

What a great post and what a great goal!

Intriguing concept...makes me think I have to think...

Amanda said...

I have your syndrome. I want to make goals...and I do and then I second guess them and think I am setting myself up for failure. I don't want to be perfect and maybe that is the problem. Maybe it I wanted perfection I might live up to my goals. Oh Hell...who knows.

Sandy Lee said...

I had read your MIL post at work and lo and behold you posted again. Busy, busy, busy. I didn't really know my goal weight. I started saying 144 then changed it to 154. I don't know if I'll get there but it is a goal. Funny but I'm not really goal oriented unlike a lot of others.

But I can clean a spiffy toilet. Too bad the men can't seem to aim very well.

Drazil said...

Oh love the acronyms. I'm an acronym can so hit your goal Read...I know it! And if you don't - meh - the world won't end. I'll still be here cheering your cute ass on.

Anonymous said...

I have no doubt whatsoever you'll reach your goal, Read! I'll be right here cheering you on every step of the way! :)

Dizzy Girl said...

Read- thank you for the kind words on my blog today. ;)

Yes, you can do this. NBFD. It's only a BFD if you let yourself make it a BFD. Sounds like you're ready for it to be NBFD. Cool.

I get the PSDS thing- I'm sorta the same way. I gave up on it a few years ago though- it's too much energy for me. I will still occasionally feel myself going there- but then I just remind myself it's NBFD. So, I do what I can and forget the rest. Seems to work.

Anyway- Happy New Year. I hope you achieve all the BFD and NBFD's you want to this year. :)



~Lisa~ (Mrs C) said...

Great post! I fully understand the syndrome AND the goal setting dilemma... The great thing is that we're all in this boat together, and I've never seen a more beautiful group of supporters who truly care and help eachother! You've always been such a positive friend who gives me sooo much encouragement I hope I can be the same for YOU!

Rachel said...
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