Sunday, December 19, 2010

An NS... V?? The cloak is loosing its power of invisibility.

So, first of all a big thanks
for all your comments in the last couple of days.  I totally would have eaten only mushy food anyway today as that's all my body could handle, but it didn't really occur to me that I might be swollen.  Not to mention the possibility that this morning's problems could have been related to last night's meal.  That possibility is completely gross to me, but makes a certain amount of sense based on how intense my reaction was this morning.

I mean, I know I'm tighter in the morning, so I was extremely careful about the two bites I took.  I purposely took the middle part of the squares of the waffles because they are so much thinner then the raised part - if you know what I'm trying to describe.  So in the end it was a square (well 2 actually) of waffle about an inch or less on each side and less than 1/2 inch in thickness - drenched in butter which I chewed until it was totally liquefied and now almost 12 hours later I'm still feeling the effects.  Definitely food for thought.  It's so great to be connected with people who have had the band for a variety of lengths of time and who have had a variety of experiences - so, seriously, thank you!!

And now for the... NS... S(omething)
I don't think it's a victory - though I guess it could be described that way - but it's definitely something and it's not related to the scale, but it is related to the weight loss.  I've talked before about how being fat makes you invisible and how being visible is somewhat frightening to me - well I'm starting to get visible again.

At work I've definitely been wearing different clothes, but not that much different.  So while I've gotten a few comments, they've more been like "Did you get your hair cut?" or "Is that a new outfit, I really like it?"  Which is absolutely fine with me - better than fine, in fact.  But I've been tracking down a costing mystery (I work for a manufacturing company) for a few days and ultimately decided I needed to go out back and count some inventory.  So on Friday I wore jeans and a black sweater knowing I was going to be digging around in boxes of wheels for part of the day.  The jeans are size 16W and fit me very well and do nice things to my curves.  Friday was also the day of our in house Christmas party in the afternoon.  So there I am running around in the shop - which I'm in at some point every day anyway - but I was there, digging and climbing and whatnot and dressed in very good fitting jeans.

Well the point is - On Friday I became visible to two different men - at different times, in different places.  Both of whom are total dogs when it comes to women and both of whom I see all the damn time.  Both sought me out to chat about inane things.  I see these men, one in particular, every single day.  We certainly speak to each other - exchange the normal pleasantries; weather, work load - that kind of thing.  But on Friday - they wanted to talk.  I'm not suggesting they were hitting on me.  They weren't.  But I suddenly became worthy of an actual conversation.  And that's the thing that used to totally freak me out.  So there I am on Friday and first Don is chatting me up - I don't even remember about what - in the shop and I'm thinking - man, what?  are you bored?  trying to pass the time till you can have a beer at the party?  Dude, I'm friggin' swamped today - don't you see me out here for hours, and today's the day you want to talk to me?  And then later, I'm at the party and Dan (yes Don and Dan) comes and sits next to me and he starts to chat with me too as if we talk all the damn time.  No idea what he was talking about - I think I fell asleep after a few minutes.  But somewhere in there it dawned on me.  OMG - I'm becoming visible again - shit!  The cloak is loosing its magic power.  What am I going to do now?

The first time it happened, 20 or so years ago, I didn't know I was missing these conversations until people started having them with me.  I'm not a shy wallflower.  I've always had lots of friends, plenty of things to do and people to play with - so I just didn't know that regular people (almost exclusively men) who I interacted with on a day to day basis were all but ignoring me.  Pleasantries had always been exchanged.  But when I lost enough weight back then - suddenly there were these conversations people were having with me and I didn't get it.  I'm just talking about normal day to day conversations people have - things that are more than 'wow it's damn cold outside'.  I had a part time retail job at the time, and at first I thought - wow, how odd to have so many oddly talkative men in the store day after day... what a coincidence.  But then as I watched - I'm a big observer - I realized what it was.  I just hadn't been, in their opinions, worthy of actual conversations before. 

Being visible to men is a good thing, I guess.  But the difference - the... I'm not sure how to act with this - is a little scary.  The upside - at least so far - and as I'm only 3 days into this new power of visible-ness - is that I'm not freaking out about it.  I've known it was coming.  I'm a lot more comfortable with who I am and what I want right now than I was even a few years ago.  When I lost weight a few years ago is when my next door neighbor kissed me - and talk about not being prepared for something - that totally wigged me out.  But if something like that were to happen this time around (the last damn time around) I'd be ready - to slug him in that case.

Anyway - that's my rambling description of my poor cloak loosing its power.  My reaction - so far - is truly a good thing for me.  The visibleness itself - is just stupid - it points out which ones are the stupid ones (as if I didn't already know).

9 comments:

Rachel said...

Read I'm excited that you are emerging from your "cloak" to a new phase. You are getting healthier everyday...I think that is awesome

Justawallflower said...

I have to admit, I could do without losing that cloak! I happen to like being invisible...for the most part. The last time I was thin I did receive a lot of attention, but I was 19, pre-child, size 10 waist and DD chest. Don't think I'll ever have that body again! So glad u are comfortable with the new, emerging you!

Amester said...

Read!! I loved your post. I have struggled with this for the last couple of months! I am at my lowest weight in years! I am so used to being "invisible" to EVERYONE!! I am shocked anytime I get noticed. Or flirted with, or hit on or talked to not just as a response to "where are the xxxx located" at the store.... I am single so the opportunities are endless LOL!!! I say work it!!!! I have so many laughs now I feel so less broken, life is good!! You are beautiful inside and out. Have a great day and make sure the cloak is not anywhere in sight!!
xx

~Lisa~ (Mrs C) said...

Very interesting post! I've never really thought about that aspect of weigh loss.. The "invisible" part of being overweight. Thank you for giving me something to think about...

And GREAT NS...S(something)!

Stephanie M. said...

It's so strange how that visibility thing works as we get smaller. I've noticed it too. Weird!

Silverhairedgoddess said...

I know what you mean about the "invisible" thing - and at my biggest, I had men looking at me with disgust!

Stephanie said...

I think that's totally an NSVictory. I can't wait to be visible again. :)

Bonnie said...

I love my husband, but it will be fun to have other men pay attention to me once in a while. Congrats!

Bonnie said...

I love my husband, but it will be fun to have other men pay attention to me once in a while. Congrats!