B.Y.O.C.

On to BYOC….

1. Do you believe in love at first sight?

Hmmm, I'm not sure if I believe in the "at first sight" part of that, but I definitely believe in Love at first meeting.  I think it's rare, but I think that serious and real spark could be there right from the beginning.  Now if we were talking Lust at first sight - yeah, well we all know that's alive and well.


2. What’s your idea of a romantic evening?

Oh man this is really a hard one for me right this second.  I am so far from feeling romantic that I'm not sure I can get there.  But.. thinking back... I guess it would be doing something really low key.  Staying at home while the kids were somewhere else, maybe cooking something really yummy together and then cuddeling up on the couch with a fire roaring watching a movie - just enjoying each other.

3. Who was your first crush?

I can't say I was ever much into crushes - I think they were too close to emotions for me to really go there.  There was a boy in the fourth grade that probably qualifies.  He now has 6 kids and is a FB friend of mine and I still think he's cool.

4. What do you believe is a stronger emotion – love or hate?



I think they're equal.  The yin and the yang.  The opposite of love is not caring, it's certainly not hating.  Though as I'm typing this, there just isn't anyone I hate or I think that I've ever hated.  I just don't have it in me to waste that kind of energy, and there are definitely people I love.  I'm not sure what that says.  I think I could shut off my feelings before I hated someone - and man, now I've totally confused myself because I don't know what the hell that means...

5. Repeat question: Summarize your life in blogland and in real life.

In blogland it's been terribly sad.  I've cried every day for Barbara and her family and I didn't even have the pleasure of meeting her last year.  It's such an awesome thing, this little community that I've found.  There's such love and support between everyone... I don't really have the words to describe it, other than it's an awesome thing.

In real life... it's been hard.  I'm sitting here waiting for Brad to do something, anything.  I can't be the one to always do it, I have to know some of it comes from him and it's just not there.  I know on a lot of levels he's just plain oblivous - if I'm not making a issue out of it, it must be all better - but... I don't know.  I think I'm going to have to break down and say somthing to him again because I can't keep doing this fake thing we've got going on right now.  

Weigh in

Today was 194.2 which is up 3.4lbs for the week and down 40.8 in total.

It definitely wasn't my best eating week, as this new fill level is a really different place for me.  I have more in me, but I can eat a much bigger variety of food.  I don't think there's anything I can't eat which is fantastic.  My quantity per sitting has gone way down which is also fantastic. 

While there's no doubt I ate some things this week that I don't normally eat, I was a little surprised at the size of the gain.  I thought I'd stay the same or maybe be up 1/2 lb or possibly a lb, but clearly I was dilusional.  But, it is what it is.  I'm posting it which is not always an easy thing for me (the bad as well as the good.)  And I'm working out and I'm figuring out the eating part as well.

I wish you all a good week!

Finding your G-spot and a Stylish blogger award

So... Thank you so much Sandy Lee for coining (at least for me) the term G-spot to refer to that magic place that people with the band are always searching for.   It's a combination of the Green Zone and the Sweet Spot... and of course she came up with G-Spot. 

Of course there are things that it has in common with the other G-Spot...

Women and smart men go searching for the G-Spot - Bandsters; both women and men, search for the G-Spot.
The G-Spot is hard to find for some and right there; front and center for others - The G-Spot can be found in a few weeks or it may take a year or so.
The G-Spot can make you scream at the top of your lungs - the G-Spot can make you scream with joy.
The G-Spot can lift your body straight off the bed - The G-Spot can make you feel as though you are lighter than air.
The G-Spot will leave you good and satisfied for a long time - The G-Spot will leave you satisfied for a good long while.
The G-Spot will bring you happiness, peace, and joy - The G-Spot will make you happy you can only eat a small piece of an Almond Joy
A good experience involving the G-Spot can leave you limp like a noodle - The G-Spot will let you eat a limp noodle.

So, while at first I thought Sandy Lee just had a dirty mind, (which is obviously completely the case) I totally think she's on to something here.  From now on, I'm totally calling it the G-Spot.  I can't tell you how much I love that.  (and it's good to know there are others out there - Sandy Lee - that have a dirty mind too)

And now onto the Stylish Blogger Award.  I've never gotten an award before and I was given the award by both Fit By 40 and Libby over at This One Time at Band Camp.  I can't thank them both enough - how completely fun for me, but I must dedicate this award to Ricky, my MIL, without whom this wouldn't have been possible.

For the Award I'm to:
Thank the person who gave you the award, reveal seven things about yourself, and nominate 15 bloggers who you have recently discovered or love. Then leave a comment on their blog letting them know they've been nominated.

Seven things - this could go in a lot of different ways....

1. I go out and buy all the things I need for a hobby before I ever get around to trying it out. I, therefore, am ready at a moments notice to make a basket, build a clock, make any kind of jewelry you could want, do some scrap-booking, decorate a multitude of mirrors, paint, decorate clothing, sew, make a mosaic… unfortunately I could go on and on.
2. When I entertain, I have a disease where I have to have enough of every single thing I serve to satisfy the crowd if every person only wanted that one thing – consequently leftovers are a constant in our home. Luckily my husband has grown to accept this of me.
3. I am a stricter parent than my mom was, but I think having given my boys room to "fly and be free" is one of my greatest accomplishments.
4. I have been misunderstood my entire life, people have assigned motive and meaning to my actions that couldn't be further from the truth - I've learned I can't do anything about what people think.  Along the same lines, lots of people are or have been afraid of me (their words not mine). It used to really bother me, now I mostly find it amusing.
5. I am constantly amazed that I survived my youth relatively in tact and scared witless when I look at my friend's teenagers and think back to what I was doing at their ages - because they are WAY too young for drinking, smoking, getting high and sex.  (this terror does not extend to my own kids (mostly) because I am in deep denial)
6. I am totally stumped as to why gay marriage is a big deal in this country.  Love just can't be bad.  I believe Jesus died for my sins, but I believe God created us all.  When we got married the first time it was by a Justice of the Peace and all we were doing was entering into a contract with the state and bada bing we were married.  I get the idea that certain churches might not want to perform the ceremony (well I really don't get that either but I'm closer there) but why so many people in our country spend time and money and energy that it's wrong for two people who love each other to marry is and forever will be beyond me.
7. Whenever anyone talks about the time space continuum or time travel (and it's usually my husband and/or older son) I get a little light headed and want to flee.

And now for the 15 bloggers to nominate....  Well that's going to be a tough one as I follow and love about a million, so I think I'll send it out to some of the ones I have just recently found.

1. Amber from Jewel in the Rough
2. Dawnya at Evolution of a Black Butterfly
3. Lisa at The rest of my Life
4. Bones at Long Lost Bones
5. I have to give it back to Fit by 40
6. And also Libby over at This one Time at Band Camp
7. Silverhaired Goddess from Lapband and Beyond
8. Susan from Diary of a Lapband Mom
9. Angie from This Banded Mommy's Journey (who I had the pleasure to meet recently)
10. Rachel Thin Within-Life with my Lapband
11. Stephanie and She's in there Somewhere
12. Kellie from Something about Kellie
13. Becky from Prudence Rising
14. Liz from Tales from the Band
15. Christina from Memoirs of a Daegu Fatty
16. S over at This One Time at 'Band' Camp

Wow, that was fun!  I hope everyone has a fantastic G-Spot and G-Spot finding day!!!

Calling all new bandsters

I'm not even a tiny little bit of an expert on anything, least of all the band - but after several months I wanted to share one person's thoughts about the journey so far.  The following are some observations I’ve had regarding my band.

-         Comparing myself to others; whether positively or negatively is stupid and unproductive.

-         Listen to your body – it knows best.
-          I feel my band, not my port, every single morning.  I know exactly where the top of my stomach is in my body – it’s kind of weird.

-         Having a support group that actually has a band inside their bodies is flat out priceless.

-         Having a support group of non-judgmental people – whether they have a band or not is equally as priceless.

-         Having a doctor or NP who is ready, willing, and able to work with you; to give you honest feedback and listen to your honest opinions is key to this journey.  If you don’t have that, do what you need to in order to get it.

-         Finding the “green zone” or “sweet spot” is not quick or easy – give yourself time and forgiveness while you get there.

-         The band is not a magic bullet.

-         It’s still all me on the hook for making this happen and getting to where I want to go.

I’m nearly 7 months in and nearly 45lbs down.  I believe I’m in a very good place restriction wise.  I think I could eat anything I wanted to, just in very small quantities – which was one of my goals going in – to not have foods that were off limits.  To a certain degree I’ve dieted my way down 45 lbs.  That’s not a completely true statement because I have certainly not been following any specific plan and I’ve certainly eaten my fair share (or more) of chocolate and ice cream here and there, but I have followed the band rules very carefully at least 5 out of every 7 days – and mostly followed them on the other two as well – and I did this whether I had some restriction or no restriction whatsoever, hunger pains have been my companion at times.

The truth is, I’ve just gotten to this mythical band place that I’d read about in fairy tales where I truly can not consume very much food and eating such small quantities does not create tons of hunger.  And now, I really feel like it’s beginning for me.  Seriously – this is the beginning for me – not 7 months ago, not 45 lbs ago.  It’s now.  I now need to figure out how to live with this thing inside me.  It’s mentally hard not to eat more food than I’m capable of.  It’s a lifetime of habits that I need to break.  It’s just now that I’m dealing with the head hunger vs. the real hunger.  I’m not totally hungry all the time anymore, but that doesn’t mean I don’t think it should be time to eat at certain times of the day, or after a certain amount of time has passed.  Or time to eat more because whatever that was tasted so damn good.

I’m extremely happy with my choice to get the band and am thrilled with my progress so far, but I really want those of you newer to this than I to hear – go easy on yourself.  It’s so easy to compare yourself to others, to get down on yourself – to get lost in the woods of bandster hell.  Read the blogs – we all learn different lessons, and have different losses at different points, you’ll get there!!.

I wish to all of you peace and confidence.  We’ll all get there in our own sweet time.

I'm a lucky girl!!!

Our company’s annual audit started yesterday which marks the official end to my crazy work schedule.  I got home on Sunday afternoon right in time for kick off of the first game and sat down and the adrenalin that had been keeping me upright and productive for the last month slowly leaked out of my body until I was nearly one with the couch. 

My MIL had gone back to New York.  My work craziness was over.  There was a fire in the fireplace.  Football was on TV.  I didn’t have to move.  There was only one thing that would make it better.

Aaaaahhh!!  That made life perfect!

Then it got even better!!!

On Monday night I got to go out with 3 amazing boobs; Bonnie, Linda, and Angie.  We met at PF Changs and shared a few cocktails, some good food and some wonderful conversation!  You’re totally jealous, aren't you??

Read, Linda, Bonnie, & Angie

B.Y.O.C.

Now to BYOC:

1. For $50,000 – would you go without brushing your teeth, showering or wearing deodorant for 3 months?

I think I'd choose wearing deodorant.  What do I care how badly I offend the rest of the world... Just kidding.  But I figure, I could shower more and move less and there's no way I could give up brushing my teeth - I just hate an icky feeling mouth - like you wake up with and there's no way I could go without showering.  I'm not a long hot bath kind of girl, but give me a dark room, a hot shower, some solitude and some good music and I'm in flat out heaven!

2. Is it harder to tell someone you love them or harder to tell someone you don’t love them back?

Hmmmm.  This is a hard one, I have no idea what the answer is.  I've only ever told Brad I love you as in really love, and I've never had to tell someone I don't love them back.  My walls are masterpieces and I just don't let people in, so I can't imagine it would be hard to say because I can't imagine getting in a situation where there was some doubt as to my feelings.  So my thoughts on saying it center more around some crazy lunatic who thought he loved me and I wouldn't have any problem with that, so... As for the I love you part.  We were not a family that said it much or really said much of anything that was meaningful or truly important.  Emotions were frowned upon so I had shut my emotions down hard behind a steel curtain by the time I was in high school and then I met Joe.  Joe was my first intimate relationship and it wasn't sexual at all.  We were best friends and we were seriously connected in some very profound ways - We had every bit of a serious and important relationship except without the sex.  He came from a differently screwed up family and we clicked.  But the point is - Joey taught me to say I love you when I did.  And I loved him profoundly, I still do and he loved and loves me.  It was an extrordinarilly liberating experience.  I remember saying it over and over again and it just being so... amazing.  That it was okay to have this emotion and to tell someone about it.  So... I'm not exactly sure what that means in the context of this question.  I'm still a big fraidy pants and if I were faced with loving someone again (other than Brad) but neither of us had said it... I don't know if I could take the leap unless I was sure he was with me.  Brad said it first, but he knew with complete certainty that I would reciprocate the words.  We never actually said it, but we were both waiting for him to be ready to say those words - he's 3  years younger than I and was still in college at the time...  Okay, now I'm officially rambling and I'm not sure I answered the question... Oh well.

3. What is on your bedside table?

(Can I just say that as much as Drazil wants us to believe that she's not putting these totally loaded questions in here on purpose, I for one don't believe it for a second. (and I totally love them)).
But that said... There's nothing perverted "on" my bedside table as I have two kids running around who'd ask all kinds of questions.... "hey mom, what's this pink thing? and why is it buzzing?"  "What do you use lube for?"  "A plug for what?  There isn't even a cord for it, what could it possible turn on?"

So, on the bedside table are 2 alarm clocks (one is used for the alarm feature and is set for 15 minutes in the future and the other is used for its sound machine qualities as I like to go to sleep to the sound of rain and it's set for the correct time.)  Also there is a book or two and maybe my glasses or iphone (which doubles as a kindle in a pinch).

Now if the question had been what's "in" my bedside table, well that would have been a whole other story...

4. If you could be invisible, who would you kiss?
I'm stuck here.  Why would I have to be invisible?  And if I were invisible wouldn't that scare the shit out of whoever I was kissing and then they wouldn't kiss me back the way I'd want to be kissed.  I guess if I lived in some alternate universe (the kind my nerdy husband and oldest son are so fond of) where receiving kisses from random invisible people wouldn't incite mass hysteria then I guess..  Nope, I'm really stuck on the invisible part.  Isn't part of a really good kiss the eye contact just before?  The anticipation.  The knowledge.  How about I change the question to suit my own desires.... If I were given a free pass (isn't there a movie out right now about men getting a free pass to be single for a week?)  But if I were given a free pass to kiss whoever I wanted.... would they want to kiss me too?  Or is this just a hit and run kind of thing.  Clearly I'm having trouble with this one.

5. Repeat question: Summarize your life in blog land and real life.

Blog land... Both Drazil's and Sandy Lee's posts really touched me.  I've been pondering the meaning of love for a while now.  I haven't gotten anywhere yet, but they both added inciteful and thought provoking nuggets to what's already bouncing around in my brain - so thanks to both of them.  The reality of it is that I have been so busy with work that there just hasn't been that much time to read (or do much of anything really).

Real life - Again, I've been so busy (I worked 14 hours yesterday - my back was not ammused this morning that I had made it sit there for so damn long yesterday) that I have barely been doing anything else.  The upside is that I haven't laid eyes on my MIL in two days and she's leaving tomorrow (God willing).  The downside is that I'm tired as shit and I'm not getting any good blog fodder from her.  Though we are all going out to dinner tonight on her last night so hopefully she won't disappoint.

Weigh in day

Today I'm 190.8 which is down 2lbs from last week and down 44.2 in total.

I had been in the 180s a few times this week when I couldn't eat anything, but clearly my body needed to hold onto some much needed food and water once I got the unfill.  I love being right on the cusp of 45 down... yippee.

This man's penis must be in the point and laugh category

So, I got my unfill today, but... Man!  he did not want to give it to me.  The only thing I can think of is that he takes someone wanting an unfill as a personal afront to his manhood.  Perhaps he thinks it's like having to admit he made a mistake or something stupid like that... you know how touchy some men can get...  All I can say is that it was a hard sell, though one I never doubted for a second I'd win.

Some highlights....
When I told him I'd been vomiting both food and liquids - first he asked with all kinds of derision in his voice things about whether or not I was eating way too fast, or not chewing enough.  I was able to calmly explain how I'd been a little worried about the size of the fill and had been extra careful with all of that.  He moved on to questioning me about whether I had switched to liquids for two full days after I vomited.  (um... well I did switch for one day, but that was because I was so swollen, nothing else could possibly pass through that little opening - and I think living on liquids for 2 out of ever 3 days, since I was vomiting nearly every time I ate solids is not what the band is all about you dorko - but maybe that's just me)  I didn't actually say that part to him.  I just told him what a great guy he was and how much I wanted to give him a blow job.

So when that line of questioning failed he asked how much I was eating at any one time and I told him I was not able to eat a half a cup (Which I totally thought would work for him as he's always preached eating 1/2 C at a time).  He told me it certainly wasn't necessary to be able to eat 1/2 C of food.  (yeah, okay, maybe it's not, but what if I just want to be able to eat at least that much?)  Again, I praised his manhood and he continued...

Questioning how often I am eating.  He's a firm believer in three meals a day and nothing else, but I answered honestly that I eat five or six small things each day.  He was horrified.  If you are eating 1/2 C six times a day that is WAY too much food.  (Okay, give me a fucking break.  You can't possibly think - based on quantity alone - that a total of 6 C of food in a day is entirely too much).  I convinced him I wasn't eating anything even close to 1/2 C each time.

After a little more sucking up and sucking off (okay ew, not really).  He finally gave me the .5cc unfill that I wanted all along.  No question this guy's a moron, but at least I got what I wanted this time.

Potent Quotables.... from the MIL

As I've mentioned before this is my busy season (why is this not completely preventing me from blogging???) so I truly have barely seen my MIL.  I didn't set eyes on her yesterday and only had about 1/2 hour with her, if that on Sunday.... but stil....  I've been keeping track of some of the more noteworthy things that come out of her mouth....


So... Brad and I were in the kitchen making dinner and the boys were in the other room watching TV.  Ricky wanders in and opens with..

Ricky: Do you think they'll clown.  (I'm thinking um, clown - as in red nose? I stare at her, waiting for more and she presses her point) In our lifetime, will they clown?

Me: Do you mean clone?

Ricky: yeah, where they make more than one of you.

I rushed for a paper and pencil to write that one down as Brad answered.


Maybe 10 minutes later, I'm pulling stuff out of the oven and here her talking in a startlingly vicious voice...

Ricky: These come in real nice. (I looked and she was staring at her long and sharp thumb nails) You could really dig into someone with these.  (then she examined the rest of her nails) but the rest... eh.


The next day, I'm in the kitchen again doing something and she walks up to me with purpose (it's the first time I'd seen her that day).
Ricky:You know a lot of times your problems with surgar are emotional problem... you know with stress.

Me: Okay, but I don't have problems with my sugar.

Ricky: Oh I know, but I think that might be some of Cookie's (her sister) problems.  She might have to get a protective order for when she calls.  (not sure who 'she' is in that sentence, but I'm assuming it's Cookie's jail bound daughter Carrie)

Me: aaah, okay
and then she left as quickly as she came.


And my personal favorite...
She's at the kitchen table playing fetch with Bandit who will retreive a thrown tennis ball until his legs literally fall off of his body.

Ricky: I wonder why someone didn't think to train dogs to play baseball

Brad:  They'd have trouble holding the bat


Don't you wish you were all at my house to hear the comedy that flows out of that woman's mouth?  I don't know about you, but I'm keeping my paper and pencil close at hand!

So I need an unfill....

Just a little fyi for those who might experience similar things...  I am in no way having the issues that Amy W or Gen were having, but still...


I thought it might be okay.  I thought there might just be a very steep learning curve.  I thought the serious tightness might be a result of my good friend TOM who was visisting.  Not so much.  Or at least I'm not willing to climb that kind of learning curve - I'm just not that agile.

I was nervous about this fill as I was thinking maybe .2 or so at the most and no fill would have been fine, but he initially gave me 1.5cc for some assinine reason and then when I couldn't swallow water in his office he took out .5cc.  I'm a serious fatalist and thought perhaps a fill of 1cc was what I should get and it wasn't that he's just a freaking moron who gives huge fills if you want tiny ones and small fills if you want bigger ones.

I very dutifuly did liquids for 2 days and mushies for 2 days and that went okay.  I certainly couldn't eat much; definitely less than 1/2 C, but with time and a LOT of chewing I could get everything down.  And then I moved on to a little more substantial food.  I had some chicken salad and that went okay if extremely slowly.  I am seriously and profoundly not hungry at this fill level.  Like - I'm pretty sure I am never going to be hungry again in my life - ever.  I'm not full at all, it's just completely not on my radar.  It's very odd and very cool. 

But the day after I was able to eat several bites of chicken salad I threw up on cottage cheese.  And then that night I had a serious issue - like throwing up a little at a time for about 40 minutes after maybe 2 bites of scalloped potatoes.  I knew I'd be really tight the next day and I was so I only did liquids again.  This started a cycle.  One I can't explain.  Some days I was able to eat a little bit, chewed extremely well and very, very slowly - but I could get it down.  And on those days as this is my busy season I was thinking - eh... I can survive this little amount of food.  I'm not hungry.  I am wildly busy - so I don't really have time to eat bad stuff (as I'm chained to my desk at the moment).  So as long as I get in enough protein, liquid, and calories.  I'll just wait and see how it goes.  Hey, maybe I'll even lose a little weight as I've been hanging around the same number for about 6 weeks.

I was bummed as I had just started to get in a groove of working out in the morning before work - but I had to suspend that as I couldn't drink enough water to work out in the morning.  But again - eh, we'll see what happens.  But the pattern is way too pronounced and I just can't get a handle on it.  Some days I can eat well enough - if mostly soft stuff, but seemingly the next day or next minute - I can't get anything down.  And on those days where it's bad - a few times it's gotten really bad for no reason I can explain. 

Yesterday was bad.  I've already been gross enough so I'll spare you the details, but it wasn't pretty.  And so I again packed only liquids today.  I hadn't eaten much all weekend already, so I was very careful to have enough liquid, calories, and protein with me.  I almost threw up on water on my way to work, but managed to keep it down.  And by noon, I had to give up on my chai latte.  I was just never going to get it down.  It's now just about 8pm and I've gotten down probably close to 32oz of water; half of which had protein and vitamins in it.  I've got an unfill scheduled for 9am the day after tomorrow.  In theory I'll be a little looser tomorrow and will be able to drink freely again.  But this is just too much - even on an every other day schedule.

Of course I'm totally worried about my freakazoid of a doctor - will he take everything out?  I did ask him specifically what he'd do if I found this fill was too tight and he said he'd take half of what he just put in back out - but we'll see what he really does.  He's not made much sense yet.

Anyway - that's me and my band at the moment.

It's a sad day-Ravens lost

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Go Ravens!!!

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Cedar Plank Salmon

For those who asked, here it is.  This is exactly what the paper they gave me says.... ENJOY!

Cedar Plank Salmon
Artist Point
Disney's Wilderness Lodge

Serving Size: 4

Cedar Plank Notes and Preparation
Be absolutely sure the wood is completely untreated (free from chemicals, etc.)  Wash them before use to make sure it is sanitary to cook on.  Allow the wood to dry.

Cedar Plank Salmon
4 each 5" x 5" Cedar Planks
4 each 7 oz. Salmon Fillets
Olive Oil
dash Kosher Salt
dash Fresh Ground Black Pepper

Method
1. First be absolutely sure the wood is completely untreated (no chemicals.)  Be sure to wash it before use to make sure it is sanitary to cook on.
2. Allow the wood to dry.  Rub one side with Olive Oil and place the Salmon on the board.
3. Season with Salt and Pepper.
4. Roast in a pre-heated oven at 400 degrees F for about 8-10 minutes.


Our salmon at home was a little bigger than that and it cooked a little longer.  It was done when the middle was barely no longer raw and I swear it truly melted in our mouths!  When we had it at Disney they had started using some other seasonings, but I have no idea what it was.  I put some pot latch seasoning from William Sonoma on ours and it was amazing, but I think any seasoning or none at all would also be really good.  I hope everyone enjoys it!

B. Y. O. C. - yay!

It’s Friday which means it’s BYOC time. That’s Bring Your Own Crazy….5 little questions you can copy and paste into your own blog to give your brain a break and to get to know your fellow bloggers better.


Enjoy!

1. If you were on death row, what would your last meal be before your “death”?

Salmon cooked on a cedar plank done at the nice restaurant at Disney's Wilderness Lodge called Artisan something maybe - Holy Shit! That was the best food I've ever eaten.  And once I commented on it, they gave me some cedar planks and the recipe to go.  We've made it at home and it was pretty damn good!  It didn't quite live up to their version but I'll definitely have it again - perhaps once or twice a week for the rest of my life.

2. If you drive a car, do you speed?
Um... yup.  On the highway, I'm pretty sure my car isn't capable of going below 80.

3. What movie(s) do/can you watch over and over again?

Man... I don't really watch movies over again.  But, I know I've seen Clueless a few times and always enjoy it, and I'd have to bet I could watch and still love Breakfast Club and St. Elmo's Fire (two touchstones for me).


4. What’s your favorite blog topic to read about and your favorite blog topic to write about?

To read about - Well... sex of course. Who doesn' t love a good sex story.  And I am a seriously curious sort - so I love, love, love learning things.  Sex-y things of course, but also everything else too.  And I completely love when someone I've grown attached to hits a new milestone or achieves a new goal - or uncovers something profound!!!

To write about - hmmm.  I guess it depends on my mood.  Sometimes I enjoy sharing the insanity that is my life; it so often helps me put stuff in perspective for what it is - eh... it's just life and sometimes it's funny.  Other times I enjoy writing deeper stuff - that helps me flesh out a problem.  And the bonus is you all are just so damn supportive - it makes that kind of thing easier.

5. Repeat question: Summarize your week in blogland and in real life.

In blogland - I've still been enjoying people as they seem to be getting back to blogging again - though January is so crazy busy for me that It's been hard (ok, impossible) to really keep up - but I've been enjoying people's possitive and confident attitudes!!

In real life - well that depends on which side of the coin you want to look at, now doesn't it?  On the one side, my MIL trip home was postponed for the SECOND FRICKIN' TIME!!!  Am I bitter?  Who me?  Absolutely not.  I'm just looking at it as an opportunity for future blog posts.  Yup, this is a totally good thing!  On the other side - totally ignoring my current work load - I am SO SO SO excited that our very own Godess, Drazil, was good enough to answer my "Dear Drazil" letter.  I sent her this totally unsolicited request for information about her organizational methods - as getting organized again is on my 2011 list of intentions, and I thought what better way to get started than to pick the brain of a color-coding, list making, orgainizational whore queen - am I right or am I right?  Anywho - she was so lovely and gracious and she totally sent me all this fantastic information about this and that - and as I too can get off (literally) on some good organizational porn - we had a lovely back and forth about this topic!!  I've been doing a little research in my nearly non-existant spare time as to which products I'm going to need to create the command center in my kitchen.  I can't tell you how excited I am by this!!!! There will be a blog post about this in the future, complete with pictures.

In the meantime - I want to send a sincere thank you out to Draz as she gave me so much more great information than I ever hoped she would!!! As all of you know, she totally rocks!

Weigh in...

Today was 192.8 which is 1.4 down from last week and 42.2 down in total.

At this rate I'm clearly not going to reach my goal of 50 down by February 2nd, but at least I'm not running in the other direction at the mere mention of a goal, so I'll definitely take it!!

Extended stays, MILs and lesbians.... this isn't funny people!!

I'm minding my own business.  I've got my head down.  I'm sitting at my desk working diligently.  My cell phone rings - which it never does at work.  Surprised, I pick it up and then POW I get wacked upside the head.  And who's doing the whacking, you ask?  Ricky, my MIL by way of my husband. 

Brad: Honey, in a wierd kind of way, my mom just asked if she could stay longer.

Wait!  What?  She's leaving today.  Her plane takes off at 3:30.  It's in my calendar..... yup, I checked, it's still there. 

Me: (frantically thinking of a reason other than my sanity, which I know is totally valid, why she can't stay.  But really, other than the pure insanity that is my MIL she's just another kid in the house that needs to be watched and managed.  And I don't think the rest of the world is as nice to her as we are.  Of course my mom says this is my first problem.)  um.  What did she say?

Him: we were getting her hair done (so she'd look purdy for all her friends back home) and she started talking about how nice we are to her and how much she's enjoying  herself and was thinking she might want to stay a little longer.  (Her flight was due to take off in about 4 hours - and now's when she mentions it)  I can't think of any reason for her not to stay a little longer - at least not until I start traveling again.  (OMG - I can't either.  I'm even working ridiculous hours so I'm barely even seeing her - it's not like it even effects me that much.)

Me: For how much longer?

Him: A week or so.  (that "or so" in Brad speak means - for as long as she wants until I have to travel again the week of January 24th.)

Me:  Okay. woo hoo.

So now I'll get to tell you guys about the talk I had to have with her in advance of our friends and their two daughters coming over to watch football last weekend.....

We'd been looking for an opportunity to have this family over for a while and it all seemed to come together perfectly.  My very, very, good friend Jen and her family which includes twin girls in the 3rd grade were already coming over and our other friends have twin girls in the 4th grade with Jackson - not to mention both families are a little "crunchier" than Brad and I and just knew they'd hit it off really well so that was a total bonus.

So there I am putting together some football munchies and straightening up a little extra as this is the first time these particular friends are coming over as they're fairly new to our neighborhood.  Jen is totally a part of my family - we've been friends since before Brad and I got married and have been through everything together - she's the kind of friend I'd never clean for - LOL.  But, I've got the music cranked and am all kinds of pleased with myself cuz I just know that Jen and Renee are really going to hit if off and when else would I have the opportunity to get them in the same room.  And then.  OMG.  It hits me.

My mother-in-law is here.  Man am I good at denial, or what?  This is the same woman who ever single day says "I think gays are just as good as normal people"  I swear she means well - but - okay I can only tell you they are normal people just like you and me so many times.  Our friends who are coming over - who've never been to our house before - they're gay and I'm bringing them here while Ricky's here.  For the first time.  They don't know me well enough for the potential pitfalls not to worry me. 

She'd never be mean, she's not a mean person - but she's... she's something.  She's a serious talker and I could see her saying something like... "so, I don't think I'd want to have sex (whispered) with another man again after my Darryl died cuz I only did that when I had to with him, but maybe with a woman it would be different, what do you think Renee? Is sex better with a woman?"  Or maybe she'd go off on a political tangent; "Like I tell Read every day, I think you are just as good as normal people, I think the government gives you a bad wrap."  OMG.  They're going to think we're insane.  Or she'll tell them how her friend Lois at church had a son who died of aids and lived with a man but he wasn't gay; Lois is sure of it.

So I sat that woman down and we had a talk about lesbians and what it was okay to say and what it wasn't okay to say.  And she said to me "Oh Read, I wouldn't say anything like that.  Do you think I'm that dumb?"  Man if there was ever a loaded question....  But I managed to restrain myself and said - no, I don't think you're dumb, I think you're curious and might start asking them questions you'd never ask a couple if it was a man and a woman.  You can't ask them about their sex life, promise me Ricky.  You will not ask them about their sex life. 

But - eh, that's all I could do.  Everyone came over, we watched football, Ricky talked non-stop - she had a new audiance - poor Renee and Lori - they got to learn about all 237 sisters and brothers she has and all their ailments and what her niece Carrie is in jail for now - and how Carrie's kids all have kids of their own now, even the 15 year old.  Eventually, the game got really good and we all started ignoring  her and she went up to take a nap.

After the neighbors left, Brad and Jen both were shocked at how well Ricky did and I told them of the conversation I had with her.  Jen laughed - and Brad thanked God he wasn't within ear shot.

The upside to this, I suppose is that I'll have a few more blog posts coming.... Please send me strength!!

And there's no doubt that from this point forward she'll talk about our nice lesbian (whispered) friends who were just as good as normal people.

A few more MIL things...

She just walked out of her room, past my open bedroom door where I'm sitting looking for cool home organizational tools (feel free to make suggestions.  I'm making a command center and I'm way excited.)  But back to Ricky - she just walked by my room on her way to the bathroom.  No biggie, right?  Yeah, well she was nearly naked.  She was putting on her housecoat as she walked by.  She had one arm through... and that was about it.  Seriously?  Seriously?  You can't cover yourself before you open your bedroom door?  I know I don't want to see that stuff - but I sure as hell don't want my 10 and 12 year old sons to see that shit.

Last time she was here (For. Four. Solid. Months.) Brad had to have a conversation with her about walking to the bathroom in her bra and granny panties.  Because, as she had apparently forgotten, we have two CHILDREN and they do not need to see that much of their grandma.  Oh my God woman!!

There was a threat of snow today so of course our county closed schools an hour early - I swear MD has lost it's ever lovin' mind.  The snow was scheduled to start at around 4pm.  That's 4 pm - more than an hour after the latest schools close.  But for some reason it was important to close the schools an hour early.  Of course it didn't actually start snowing until about 5 and I hear we're now supposed to get about 2 inches - thank God the kids got out early!  Phew, imaginary crisis averted!!

Anyway - I had to leave work early during my busiest time of the year because Brad had a doctor's appointment right when Jack would be getting out of school so he couldn't get him off the bus.  I got home and made great use of my unexpected time off.... and then Ricky came down.

Ricky: hiiiii Jaaaaackson, yooorr soo cuuutte.  (looking to me) Iiiisssn't heeee cuuute?

Me: uh.. Yes, he's very cute.

Perhaps she doesn't realize he's 10?  What do you think?

Okay - one more thing....  You'd think that with Brad at the doctor's but Grandma at home I wouldn't have had to come home from work, wouldn't you?  Well... yeah, leaving the kids with grandma is not an option.  Brad and I have a pretty low threshold for babysitters at this point.  Our base line requirement is that if the house was on fire we expect our babysitter to give their best effort to get the children out.  That's really all we require.  Well their grandma (this particular grandma)... she doesn't meet that requirement.  Not even close.

If the house were to catch fire - the most likely scenario is that she wouldn't notice anything was amiss.  (hmmmm, I wonder what that repeated high pitched noise it - I wish it would shut up so I could hear my shows better) - but if by some miracle she did notice a fire for what it was - she would immediately leave and look for someone to tell about her problems.  How hard it was to lose her grandchildren to a fire like that.  The lord must have been ready to bring them home.  I hope it doesn't trigger another depression in me.  But, if it does - well, that's a pretty serious thing.  And it's a real cause for depression so I'll just have to deal with it.  With the lord's help I'll get through it.  Read and Brad must not have taught them what to do in case of a fire.  They'll know next time though, won't they.

Of course in this same scenario - my kids would have gone to a neighbor's house to call for help while they watched their grandma out the window as she wandered looking for warm bodies who's ear she could chew off.

Don't you wish you were here too?

Oh - and....
Has anyone seen the commercial where the really hot men are "dressed" in body paint in various costumes; baseball uniform, mechanic's uniform - things like that - and they are washing their day (and all the paint) away.  YUMMMMMM.  I'm sorry, I got distracted there for a minute.

Let's talk about my Mother-in-law, shall we...

Okay – well… She’s a lovely person who means well.  And if there was some way to make her truly understand what a pain in the ass she is, she’d be horrified.

Some of the things we see and hear every day.

To Jackson

Every time she sees him, even if he was just in the room 2 minutes ago and has now come back.  “Iiiiisssnn’t he cuuuute?  He’s such a cutie.” said in a little baby voice to my 10 year old.  “I just want to eat him up.  I’m gonna pack him up and put him in my suitcase and take him with me.  Hey Jackson, how would you like that?”

“What?” he always answers as he’s totally learned to tune her out.

“How would you like it if I packed you up and put you in my suitcase and took you home with me?”

“No.” He answers flatly as he quickly leaves the room again, hoping to catch my eye so he can roll his.

About half the time she continues to me “Would you mind if I packed him up and put him in my suitcase and took him home with me?” 

Depending on my mood I might answer – “Yes, Ricky, I would still mind.  Just like I said the last time you asked, you still can’t take him home with you.”

Just to keep count she said the sentence “…I’m gonna pack him/you up and put him/you in my suitcase..” three separate times in that one little interchange.  And that little convo happens at least 3 or 4 times in the short time I see her after work and before bed.  Every. Single. Day.

To Teddy

Ricky: Look at me.

Teddy reluctantly tears his eyes away from the TV or book to look at her expectantly.

Ricky: Your eyes.  You prolly (spelling intentional) don’t want to hear this, but you’ve got the pretties eyes.

Teddy does have gorgeous, big, very green eyes that people have been commenting on his entire life, but he’s heard her tell him this exact same thing no less than 30 times in the week or so she’s been here.

Teddy: uh, thanks (mumbled as only a pre teen can do)

Ricky (to me):  doesn’t he have the prettiest eyes.  Oh!  (she looks furtively around for Jackson who has the exact same eyes only his are hazel so not as eye popping) well, of course Jackson has pretty eyes too. 

Me: yes, they both are very lucky to have beautiful eyes.

To me (I get a choice of several):

Choice 1

Ricky: I think it’s better now then it was when I was growing up, people are more tollrent (spelling intentional) now.  I think gays are fine.  They’re people too just like normal people. 

Me: Ricky, they are normal people.  Unlike you.  (okay, I may just want to say that last part)

Choice 2:

Ricky: I didn’t vote for him, but that poor Labamba (spelling intentional) is getting blamed for everything.

Me: His name is Obama.  I don’t care if you don’t agree with him, but you have to learn his name;  he’s the President of the United States.  Say it with me.  O…. Bam…. A.

Ricky: But they blame him for everything.  He should be putting in those things that what’s his name… Clinton had, cuz when he left office there was a surplus.  My church doesn’t like the death squads he has.  As if he really wants to kill old people.

Me: OMG, we’ve been over this.  The death squads don’t exist.  They were created by his opponents and made up.  It was a lie.  It’s not real.  I promise you it’s not real.  I believe Sarah Palin first used the term in a speech.

Ricky: I think that Sharon Falin (spelling intentional) is a pretty woman, but I wouldn’t want her to be the vice president or the president.

I could go on, but you get the idea.  I could have both sides of all the conversations with her for tonight before I get there.

The ick factor (I’m sorry Draz, if you are reading this, you should probably stop now):

She burps and farts.  A lot.  “Oh, skoos me” she says.  A lot.  I have to check the top of the toilettes in the two bathrooms she uses a lot as there is often stuff left on the seat that just shouldn’t be there.

She is a diabetic and on a lot of medication.  She takes her meds in the morning including giving herself an insulin shot – which she does by twisting her body and pulling down her pants at the breakfast table regardless of who’s in the room with her.  My children have seen FAR more than they ever needed to see of a 65ish year old woman.

She often walks around the house in an old fashioned house coat.  The kind that buttons up the front.  Hers stops above her knees and is very old.  So as she sits with her legs apart (as she often does) – we all get to see far more than we bargained for. 

Me: Close your legs Ricky!

Her: Oh skoos me.

BYOC

Okay - on to BYOC!  5 little questions we answer to get to know each other better and to give our brains a break from coming up with blog material!  Copy and paste and enjoy!

1.  If you could have only three electrical items/appliances...what would they be?  (Um...whose gonna be the first to say you know what?  (Perverts - all of you!!))

I so completely want to say my friend the magic wand, but alas with all the battery opperated choices out there, not to mention my own hands, or my husband's mouth, or.... well,  you get the idea... The poor wand just wouldn't make the cut.

So, hmmm I guess it would be my laptop to keep me connected and entertained, the TV to keep my children entertained so I can have some peace, and a heat pump that can keep us cool in the summers and warm in the winters. 

2.  What do you think Satan's middle name is? 

Okay this is funny!  Of course Damian seems like the obvious choice, but I'm going with Nathanial.  I think Satan Nathanial just sort of rolls off the tongue.

3.  Name two things you are VERY good at.  (Again - can't wait for these answers)

-- I'm very good at numbers; thus the whole CPA thing

-- (this is just for Draz)  I've been told I give a mind blowing, bring tears to your eyes, blow job.

4.  What is your favorite sundae topping?

The traditional hot fudge would be my choice if I were forced to only pick one, but if I had my way it would be a mix of hot fudge, peanut butter sauce, and peanuts on top of cookies and cream ice cream. You have it all accounted for with that - from my way of thinking - smooth, crunchy, cold, hot, and who doesn't love peanut butter and chocolate together!

 

5.  Summarize your life in blog land and in real life this week.

In blog land ... it feels like things are back on track with people.  People are moving forward, putting one foot in front of the other - it's a lovely thing to see!!

In real life - Holy crap am I busy!  January is my busiest month by far.  I'll put in a few 80 hour weeeks and the rest will be more than 60.  Many of  you may be used to that kind of pace, but when it's over, I will be very, very happy!!!  There's talk of a possible local BOOBs get together on the first day I could possibly make it - 1/24 - and I'm wildly excited about that.

Oh!... dun dun dun.  This damn North East snow storm has caused my MIL to extend her stay with us until Thursday of next week instead of TOMORROW!!!  Send me strength!!!

weigh in day...

Today was 194.2 which is down 2 from last week and down 40.8 in total.

I was stuck at 196.4 all week long despite exercising 4 days and eating very well (as in, just how I wanted to be eating).  It was a little odd, but I wasn't stressing about it (much) as I knew I was doing all the right things.  Then I got the big 'ol fill yesterday and didn't eat much of anything after 2pm... and then today I woke up and was down 2.2 lbs from yesterday.  Whatever, I'll take it!

I hope everyone has a fantastic week!!

The story of the accidental big girl fill...

As you may know I've had issues with my band doctor and have decided I need to change doctors.  I think I've even identified the doctor I want to change to (in fact a friend of mine who I met through the stupid support group meetings has already changed from our Dr. Weird (as she named him) to this new doctor).  However, this is my busy season at work and I can't do much of anything during January beyond work (like blogging) and knew it would be a while before I even make the initial call to see if he takes my insurance and will take me as a new patient and whatnot. 

I decided it would be prudent to call Dr. Weird and make an appointment just in case the other one doesn't work out as it usually takes 6-8 weeks to get an appointment.  I figured by the time the appointment came around I could always cancel it if I needed to.  I called on Monday and they had an opening today (3 days later).  I hesitated, but decided.. what the hell.  If it does end up that I stay with Dr. Weird even for the short term, a new baseline weight (where I wasn't trying to be heavier than I am) and an uneventful appointment would probably be a good idea for any future appointments.

I've been at a pretty good place restriction-wise, but I've thought I could probably use a tiny little fill, but not so much that I was willing to fight for it as has proven necessary in the past.  I almost wore a dress to work today knowing I would not be getting a fill so it didn't matter.  At the last minute I decided to put on pants because I was willing to get a small fill if somehow the world shifted and he'd turned human.  But I was still totally planning to tell him that; yes, my appetite has magically gone down, and that no, I didn't really need a fill. 

So, I get there and he says.... so you've lost 14 lbs in the last 10 weeks.  (I'd lost less than a pound a week when I'd been there last time and we had that huge battle).  I did my best to remain completely quiet unless he asked me a question.... just ready to smile, and nod and tell him everything is going great!  He asked the normal questions about water and protein intake and exercise and I answered honestly - I'm still mostly doing all the right things.  He asked about my appetite and I told him I think the last fill had really helped with the appetite (there was not a hint of 'I told you so' in my voice).  He asked about the quantity of food I could consume and I told him honestly that I could no doubt eat more than 1 cup of food at a time, but I was generally not.

Then......

Dr. Weird: So, do you think you need a fill?
Me: (shaking my head) No, not really.  I'm in a pretty good place.  I could probably stand a very small fill of .1 or .2 ccs, but I'm pretty happy with where I am. 
Dr. Weird: (stared silently at me waiting for me to continue)
Me: uh... (smiling trying to project the love between us) Um. I don't really think I need one, but would be willing to get a very small one if you thought that was a good idea. 

(at this point I was thinking, Hell, I think he's going to give me a fill - and all because I appealed to his obviously small penis by suggesting I really didn't know what was best for me - internally I was totally shaking my head)

Dr. Weird:  okay, well let's give you one.

well, knock me down and slap my ass (please!)

Me: okay.  (I'm glad I didn't put that dress on)

He gets the stuff ready and I hop up on the table and he does his stuff and when he's done I ask.

Me: So, how much did you put in (dirty)?

DW: 1.5 ccs

(Holy Big Girl Fill Batman!!!!!!!)

Me: HOLY COW!!!! (I caught the SHIT before it jumped out of my mouth, but didn't manage to remotely hide the complete shock from my face and tone of voice).

(I was thinking, OMG, my period starts in the next day or two and so I'm already at my tightest which is pretty dang tight at this time of the month and he just put in nearly 40% more than I already had.  This isn't going to work.)

He gives me some water to drink and the first few sips seemingly go down well.  But I had purposely taken TINY sips. He was watching me very closely, I'm sure because of my earlier 'holy cow'.  We went back and forth about whether it was really going down and after less than 2 oz of the tiniest sips possible the gurgling gassy noises started popping out as the air was trying to make room for the water.  I asked him if this didn't work out, if in a couple of days I couldn't eat anything besides liquids how would he handle that, totally thinking he'd do a total unfill, but he said he'd probably take out about half of what he'd just put in (dirty).  But after another few sips it was clear the water wasn't really going down.  So I hopped back on the table and he took out .5cc and the water went down fine. 

So in summary, last time when I really thought I needed a fill he barely gave me .5cc which was a fine size for me, but a seemingly big fucking deal to him and this time when I was pretty fine with where I was though suggested a .1 or .2cc fill was probably an okay thing he started at 1.5cc - WTF????  So I went in thinking there's no way in hell I'm getting a fill (and perfectly happy with that) to getting 25% more added to my band.

I'm telling you, it was a total accident, I swear!  I'm on liquids for 2 days then 2 days of mushies and given TOM's impending arrival I'm going to religiously stick to that and then we'll just have to see.

My New Year's Intentions list..... oh boy.

I really like the idea of a list of intentions - not so much resolutions,  that feel so much more... permanent...  pass or fail... good or bad.  Whereas intentions is more like - where do you want to head?  More like - what's your direction going to be vs. what's the end result going to be... yeah, that's it.

Okay so....

1. I want to work on simplifying my life.  Purge those things I don't love or don't need.
2. I'm going to let out my inner neat freak.  Because I suffer from PSDS I had to let go of my need for everything to be in its place.  It was just too stressful.  Especially when I had kids, some things needed to go if I was going to remain sane. Well my youngest is now 10 and I just can't live this way anymore.  Things are clean, but there are always.  Always.  piles of shit here or there.  Mail that just hasn't been put away, stuff that needs to go upstairs, school papers that need to be filed.  The balance changed a while ago, but it took me a long time to figure it out.  It used to be more stressful to worry about that stuff while the kids were young and we were both working (I'm not the superwoman that others are) - but now it's more stressful not to worry about that stuff.  I was able to keep Betty, my inner neat freak, locked away in one of my secure boxes in my brain and ignore her.  But the kids require less constant stuff; they can feed and dress themselves - that kind of thing and I can now hear Betty kicking and screaming to get out.  Watch out world, I'm letting her out.
3. I want to lose a bunch of weight.  I don't want to be more specific than that because I don't think I'll know where I want to get to until I'm there.  I do know that I want to step up my efforts for the next 20 lbs.  When I lost a bunch of weight several years ago I got down to 175 and felt really good there.  Not that I wanted to stay there, but I felt good.  I want to step up my efforts until I get back there.  Then I can continue on with my original weight loss efforts and we'll see what we see.
4. I want to get back to the workout mama I used to be.  I love to sweat.  I love to work out and I want to get back to it seriously.  (for those of you who don't - I didn't used to love it, but one day I told myself it would be easier if I did, so I decided that I loved it.  I would literally cheer when the first bead of sweat would trickle down somewhere.  Every time I worked out I reminded myself I loved this feeling.  Over time I noticed the things that truly were wonderful about it; sleep, energy, mood, etc.  And I just started believing the hype.  Even though it was my hype - I wore myself down.  If I can do it, I swear so can you.  Give it a try, I dare you.)  (but you will need to commit to this "experiment" for a year or more)
5. I want to have a better sense of what I want from my husband and marriage.  Where I think we're going.  I think, even if I decide I can't keep doing this, I'm not going to go anywhere.  It's not so awful and I just don't want to do that to my kids when they are in or nearing puberty.  Not to mention my husband has given me permission to have sex with other men.  Which I suppose is a whole different post - but it is what it is.  I'd never do anything behind his back.  But maybe at some point in the next year - we'll go to counseling, or I'll decide I can't keep trying anymore and find someone else who can meet some of my emotional needs, or we'll figure out how to be happy together again.  This one is really part of number 1 above; I want to simplify.  And right now, it's just not simple. 

Okay, that's way more than enough!!!

Happy New Year to everyone.  I'll throw out some more MIL stories tomorrow!