Tuesday, March 29, 2011

Girlfriend's Guide: Lesson 17

I am dumb.

It's hard to admit that.

Smart is the thing I could always cling to.

But no.  It's time to come clean.

I. Am. Dumb..... as rocks.

So... I was in CPR/first aid training all day today.  It was fun and I'm all certified again, so that's a good thing.  When we got there, there were bagels and muffins and just drank the chai latte (semi sweet) I'd brought and didn't have a one.  For lunch pizza was brought in.  I went across the street and got some chili from Wendy's.  As soon as class was over I had to hustle over to the dentist because a crown came out yesterday and they were good enough to fit me in today.  Then when I was done at the dentist it was just about time for Teddy to be picked up from chorus so I ran over there to pick up him, Matt, and Kevin.  I dropped Kevin off and brought the other two home.

The plan for the evening was for Brad to take Teddy to his 5:00 baseball practice while I shoved some food into Matt (our neighbor and friend) and then took him to his 5:30 soccer practice as his parents needed some help.  Then go back and pick Jack up from school and get him some food and then get him to his football practice at 6:30.  Then Brad will come swap with me at Jack's practice and I'll take Teddy home when they get there.

So... I get home with the boys at 4:46 and I'm hungry.  I had that chili at noon and now I. AM. HUNGRY.  But I only have a few minutes and first I have to make a sandwich for Teddy - because did Brad have food ready for Teddy to eat in those few precious minutes.... uh, that would be a no.  I get Ted some food, I get Matt some food.  And I'm still HUNGRY!!  What can I have that's fast and easy?

A protein shake?  Yes!  That's easy.  That's fast!!  protein shake... protein shake... protein shake... I keep those Special K shakes in my fridge for just such emergencies... Great idea!!

Uuuh no.  That never even crossed my mind.

I know...   I'll just inhale some more quiche since that went so well yesterday (not!).  Yeah.... that's what I'll do.  Quick, pull it out, throw some on a plate, get it in the nuking machine... quick quick.  Time's a wasting!  Chop chop (as my Grandma used to say).  Get it out, grab a fork and dig in.  The first few bites shoveled in go just fine.  I'm so much more smart today than I was yesterday - today, I'm really, really chewing.  I'll show you, Hilda.  Snarf snarf snarf... barf barf barf. 

And that's not the worst of it.  Jesus Christ.  I run to the bathroom.  I throw up a couple of times, shaking my head the whole time.  What the hell was I thinking... uh, that would be not a God damn thing.  But then..... I threw up again and guess what... it went right up my nose too.  Yup.  Now that was pleasant.  And there it stuck.  Seriously,  In.  My.  Nose.  I finally had to blow my nose to get it out.  Have any of you ever blown quiche out of your nose?  Well I have.  I bet you all want to be my friend now, don't you?!!  And of course - then I had to go to football practice and smell and taste quiche the whole time.  I am seriously the single coolest person I know.  I know you are all completely jealous.  I hope some of my vast awesomeness will rub off on all of you!

18 comments:

Justawallflower said...

Oh my goodness! I so wish I was there to see that! You could have sent that into AFV! Man does your life exhaust me!

Bonnie said...

That is so nasty, but reminds me of the time I was STARVING so got a healthy fresco chicken burrito at Taco Bell. As soon as I got in the door I proceeded to inhale half of it and quickly realized the mistake. It happens to all of is, but you tell it much better. :)

Rachel said...

The logistics of kid chauffering during sports practices can drive any banded mom to eat fast. You always make me laugh and I love it when you post on my blog. BTW, I see a lot of cheekbones in your profile pic!!

Lyla said...

You have my sympathies. It has been a long while, but I have, in fact, thrown up food through my nose on two separate occasions(spagetti, and a chunk of chicken). In my defense I was very very drunk and way too young.

Dawnya said...

That is freaking hilarious!!! Things like this only happen to you Read. LOL

Susan said...

Your posts crack me up!!! The one time I almost got stuck was trying to quickly eat a cheese stick when rushing.

Christina said...

My nose burns just thinking about it! Ugh. The things this band makes us do!

Jacquie said...

Oh I have felt and smelled, your pain Read! I hope you are over it now!

Amanda said...

This is my single most problem. Eating too quickly when I am in a hurry.

I am getting better but obviously not there yet.

I swear you (and all the other moms)deserve an effing medal with all you do to keep your kids schedules!! I am in awe!

Ronnie said...

*jaw hits floor*
That's all I got.

FitBy40 said...

The band can NOT be trusted. It will not be our friend in a time of need or crisis. Ugh. Today will be a better day.

tagyourit said...

I know I should not be laughing but the way you described it is AWSOME!!!!!!! We all make that mistake and we never learn from it. BTW, I love having friends that have had quiche stuck up their nose!

Theresa aka Tessie Rose said...

That is the one thing I can say I really miss, being able to just have a quick bite of something when you are rushed and starving! Those days are long gone. I've personally never had quiche in my nose, but I have had quacamole there...either way, not much fun!

Pamela E. Williams said...

Oh my, WOW!! You should see the face I'm making right now.

Note to self: do not inhale food (as Bonnie put it).

I hope you are doing better.

Jess said...

Thankfully I have yet to throw up bad enough that I have the chunky vomit issue in the nose. (Hopefully never will)

I feel for ya. I hate being rushed and having too much shit to do.

adorkbl said...

Oh no!! That sucks. Quishe out your nose... yikes.

Stacey said...

That is a flavor of quiche I will NOT be making any time soon!

Beth Ann said...

OMG...quiche through the nose. We do experience it ALL, right? Oh lordy.