Thursday, March 10, 2011

screaming like a little girl...

Do you all have stink bugs?  They are these stupid shield shaped bugs that someone thought it would be a good idea to import from China.  Only they don’t have any known predators in the states and so they are slowly taking over the country.


In the summer they swarm on sunny windows by the hundreds (I’m not kidding).  Then they can squish themselves really flat and slide on into your house and hang out there as the weather starts to get cold.  Like me, they don’t like to be cold.  Last summer was our third summer with them – we’re about a year ahead of most people in our area – I think it’s because we live in the Patapsco River valley, though that’s a total guess.  They stuck around throughout the winter this year for the first time – oh how delightful – they want to be inside where it’s warm – yay us!  Exterminators are at a loss for how to deal with them and when you kill them they emit an odor only other stink bugs can smell that attracts more stink bugs – so it’s best to flush them.  They are super slow and somewhat noisy when they fly around.  They make this little buzzing sound as they fly and then they land on something and it’s easy peasy to pick them up and dispose of them.  They are harmless, but annoying – sort of like a fly – only much easier to catch.

Every single day I have to flush 1 or 2 stink bugs. (last summer that number was more like 10-15).  The scientists have apparently just created some sort of non-stinging wasp that will eat their eggs and that is supposed to keep them from taking over the world – I’m, of course, sure this means that the wasps will do something unintended like eat all the trees – but that’s not for me to worry about right now.  I’m here to tell you how this strong powerful woman was reduced to blathering screaming little girl by the likes of a stupid, harmless stink bug; the kind I have been dealing with every single frickin’ day for quite a while now.

That was a seriously long build up to a really, really stupid story – so I apologize in advance as there’s really no payoff here.

So… there I am sitting at the kitchen table eating dinner with Brad.  I’ve got a bowl of mashed potatoes in front of me (I apparently was in the need of some comfort food).  When all of a sudden from out of nowhere – a super, rocket powered, turbo boosted stink bug dive bombs into the middle of my potatoes.  I screamed and turned white (according to Brad) and couldn’t speak for a minute.  I was so mad that a stupid stink bug could scare me that I was embarrassed too.  So there I am staring at my husband – willing him to get rid of that mean ol’ bug for me like a good man should do.  And there he is staring at me thinking someone had done a quick body snatch or something.  Actually he was scared to death that I’d somehow sustained a serious injury while sitting next to him eating mashed potatoes.  He claims the only time he’s ever seen me react anywhere near to what I had done was when my back is out.  It took several long minutes while I was believing he’d have to turn in his man card for not getting rid of the bug for me and him thinking I was never going to walk again before I managed to get him to look in the damn bowl and see the stink bug.

He quickly swept it away – man card still intact – and asked me if I still wanted the potatoes – man card got a gold star, husband card had points removed.

11 comments:

LDswims said...

That's hilarious!

Thanks for sharing!!!

Bonnie said...

I live with 2 other females and we all hate every kind of bug so my husband has his hands full. I too am nervous about what they are bringing over to kill the stink bugs. Seems this is the makings of a crazy sci fi movie if I ever saw one. Maybe we should start building our safe rooms now.

Justawallflower said...

Too freaking funny! Here in Florida some idiot years ago developed "love bugs" to eat mosquito larva, well guess what? not only can they not be killed by anything, but they don't eat the larva! luckily they only come around twice a year, but they are here by the millions, and get smashed on your car and if you don't get them washed off immediately they ill eat the the paint off your car! so be careful in your wishes for some genetically developed thing!!!!

nikki said...

LOL! I'm sorry the stupid stink bug ruined your taters. These things invaded our office this past season. They hide everywhere....I.no.likey.

Amy W. said...

I dont know if I tell you this on your blog or not, or if I just say it in my head...but just in case I havent told you, I love the way your write. You always make me giggle.

Banded Mommy (Angie) said...

Hahaha! I love your writing too... and hate those damn stink bugs. Funny thing is, is I would have reacted the same way. I scream like Justin Bieber's number one fan when I see them and then turn and run for the hills...

Michelle said...

Ugh I am totally with you, we get SO many stink bugs here, and it was weird that they didn't go away this winter, we have been killing almost 5 a day! SO annoying!

Theresa aka Tessie Rose said...

Good stuff!

Lee Ann said...

I hate stink bugs! My friend and I love to think of sadistic ways of killing them. We probably sound psychotic. She discovered a REAL way of killing them that she swears works. Rubbing alcohol! She keeps a little Dixie cup in her kitchen window and when she sees one, she wafts the alcohol near and it dies. SLOWLY. I haven't tried it myself but she gets a lot of satisfaction from this kill method (as opposed to flushing) so I thought I'd share this with you. :) [evil grin].

Beth Ann said...

Oh Lordy, that was funny!

Ronnie said...

GAG! I hate those damn things. Glad your husband kept his man card. :)