So... 'I'm listening' over at Married to the Band (who has an spectacular new blog look thanks to the amazing Jenny) asked a question that I found very intersting and really tough too...
He was talking about how Tessie Rose blogged about being so much happier now than she was in a picture from a year ago. He questioned that as they’d been just as happily married then as they are now. And …“She explained that the unhappiness was with herself and for the longest time it caused her to question most of the affection and love I had for her. Looking back....that really made sense...pretty enlightening information for me. Theresa can get up in front of a room and do a standup routine but wasn't self confident enough to truly accept things in a normal relationship as they were. Those days are gone. But what if you gained all the weight back now but the relationship didn't change? Would you revert back?“
That gave me pause
(that was me pausing)
I can only answer that as me – the person not quite half way to my weight goal. The me who’s been overweight forever. And I say – yes, I’d revert right back. I’ve lost weight before, felt good about myself and confident about my place in the world (hoooo now – let’s not get carried away!) Okay, more confident about my worth (that’s better). But if I lose all the weight I want to and blossom even more fully into the person I know I am underneath all this stuff – and work out all my issues with all my relationships and am good and confident and happy about it all. (understanding the normal ups and downs of life still fully exist.) And then…. I gain it all back. Well, after I’d kill myself. I’d hate myself. I just would. Not only would I have the comfortable hate (or at least dislike and strongly disapprove) of myself I’ve known and loved (or rather loathed) all these many years – but I’d have the added pure fires of hell hatred at what a spectacular failure I am. I’m smart and if I know I’m a failure and I know I’m unworthy of this or that, and I know you’re smart – well of course I’d believe that you’d know I was a failure and unworthy too. I could easily see myself believing those around me were just staying with me cuz they felt stuck or maybe just felt a profound sense of pity and didn't want to hit a girl when she was already so obviously down or however unworthy or icky I was didn’t outweigh every one of the feelings they might have. It was close, sure, but maybe the scale tipped a little bit to my side (all puns intended). But then I’d feel badly that they had to settle for something so unworthy… yadda yadda yadda.
So… my question is… Will that thinking ever change?
I’m not planning on gaining the weight back. Of course I wasn’t planning on it before either. But I have this thing now and I truly believe it’s gonna help me maintain whatever weight I lose. So… Once I’m in a truly comfortable place – and in all honesty I’m not that far right now mentally – will I get to a place where I’m so confident that I’m insulated from those kinds of thoughts? I just don’t know. I’ve heard many of you talk about having to get your mind to catch up with your body – I wonder if it happens? Or happens all the way?
I’ve talked about how my marriage is not completely smooth right now but these next comments don’t have a single thing to do with that…
My husband has a huge ego. I don’t know if it’s a male thing or just a Brad thing, but it’s hilarious. He’s the first to admit it - and quite proudly too. He will say, quite often.. I’m the best fucking AE in the world. That’s his title and when he’s had a particularly good conversation with a customer, there’s no doubt that’s the first thing he’ll say. We all roll our eyes. Yes dear, we know. But he could gain 300 lbs and while he’d be mad at himself, it would just not affect how worthy or loveable he believed himself to be. Maybe there is a number over which that’s not true, but you get my point. What I’m trying to say is – I don’t think he’d ever have the feelings I described above. Ever. No matter what he saw in the mirror.
He’s put on weight in the last decade or so, but maybe it’s because he didn’t grow up that way? Or is it a societal man/woman thing where the value on appearance is so much higher for women than men?
I realize I’m rambling a bit here – but… what do you think about this stuff??