Monday, March 14, 2011

Salads are my kryptonite - WTF

First of all, my husband was appalled that I asked him to spell kryptonite for me.  As I've mentioned I'm a terrible speller and he's the rock star of spelling - but seriously - he's the comic book geek in the family (and well, so maybe are my kids - at least the older one) why the hell should I know how to spell the made up shit that oogs out Superman?  (yes I do know it's more than oogs out, but still).  I do know that the Green Lantern can't handle the color yellow - I think I should totally get some points for that.

Anyway.  I think I've just determined that I seriously can not eat salads.  They are like a gateway drug for me.    Whenever I eat a salad it does some sort of magic thing to my band - it sort of removes it completely.  It was immediately after eating a salad (a huge one) that I first tried pizza (the one and only time I have since I got the band) and I ate three frickin' pieces of regular crust Papa John's pizza - after a big salad with chicken on top.  What the fuck?  Then another time I had a salad followed by fajitas.  Yes that word was plural.  There are days or times of every day that I struggle getting cottage cheese or yogurt down and then I eat a salad and I could eat a small horse - shit I could probably eat a large horse.  I think ever since the pizza incident I've sort of suspected this was true but I've tried to keep it hush hush even from myself (I do a lot of that). 

Self, I'd say, it's good to eat salads.  You are eating too much protein and not enough green stuff.  Go... have a salad.  If there was a small little tiny compartment of me thinking... (while rubbing my hands together and grinning evilly) hmmmmm maybe then, I'll get to eat something else interesting that I'm not normally able to eat... well.. that's besides the point, right?  So - part of my subconscious avoids salads for just this reason and part of my subconsious says - salads are good salads are good salads are good.  everyone's doing it.  go on, it'll be alright.

But I'm here to say publicly... I.  Can.  Not.  Eat.  Salads.

Today I ate a salad at lunch.  It wasn't planned, just sort of happened that way.  It was a yummy Cobb salad with Gorgonzola which is so how they should always be made.  And since then... Oh my holy fucking God.  Mother Mary full of Grace and all that shit.  (Okay I'm not catholic and I really hope I'm not offending anyone but Jesus Christ!)  I had the egg substitute and sauteed onions I'd brought for lunch in its nice 1/2 cup container, some chocolate covered soy nuts.... right there is way more than I would normally eat... oh wait.. and a small piece of a french baguette with butter...   AND it took a whole hell of a lot to stop eating at that point.... But then I got home.  (hanging head in shame)  I've had three, count them three pieces of raisin bread, toasted with butter.  This is the first time I've even tried a piece of bread since surgery, (not counting the baguette this afternoon which was really the first time) there's no way I could eat it normally.  An entire slab of eel (which is my very favorite food and I've not had any sushi as I'm afraid of the rice.  But just eel....  I remembered I had some in my freezer - SCORE!  Some Oreos.  A few bites of Jackson's mac n' cheese (not normally something I could eat).  That could be it.  AND I could totally still eat.  It's like I'm on vacation or something - I have NO restriction at all after eating a salad and clearly my little pea of a brain thinks - Party On folks!  I'm full - but it's normal (or old normal) full.  Like my band hasn't said a god damned thing.  I'm fairly sure it's taken the afternoon off.

So.. to repeat.  No fucking salads for me.  Ever.  If I never eat anything green again - I will survive.

14 comments:

Libby said...

The crazy thing is I can't eat salads at all! I get stuck each and every time. I envision a piece of lettuce coating over my stoma opening and everything gets stuck on top. I get the worst kind of stuck on salad. The only one I have eaten successfully since surgery was a chopped salad and the lettuce was virtually diced into little 1/4 inch piece. Other than that. I am doomed with salad.

You might try green beans for something green?????

adorkbl said...

That is crazy!! Like Libby... salads are tough for me. I have to be really careful with them. They like to hang out in my pouch.

BTW... Gorgonzola sounds delish. Mmmm. I could go for a chicken, feta, and Gorgonzola chopped salad.

Jen said...

That is CRAZY!!! I had a salad for dinner and I'm FUUUUUL. Normally I can't eat them at all b/c I get stuck after a few bites.
Gateway drug indeed.
It's like pulling your rip cord.

At least you know it. If you go out to eat for a special dinner or go on a cruise, you know what to do to ensure you can eat 'normally'.

And not to lead you to another gateway drug, but I have no issues with rice. (Granted, I'm almost 2 years out) but...It's true. My nutritionist says I can have it, but I need to throughly chew it. Jasmine rice is my FAVE!!!! Is that what they use in sushi? It's sticky. Mmmmm...
Oh and I can't spell for SHIT - just ask Draz (she sees my e-mails...{hangs head in shame}
Download iespell and you'll never have to ask the hubs for help again. (Well except for taking out the trash maybe..and bugs.)

Bonnie said...

Come on girl. We want to get to our goal before our NY brunch. We are so close!

CeeJay said...

OMG, I can so relate to your salad thing. I too have trouble getting stuff down occasionally like cottage cheese, etc. But salad slides down my gullet like nobody's business. I don't understand it either.

Kristin said...

Interesting. My binge triggers tend to be things like double stuffed Oreos and chip dip. But hey, whatever floats your boat. NO MORE SALADS for you, woman.

Beth Ann said...

Totally nuts!! I don't think I have had that reaction with anything, but I guess I'm glad. Wow...3 pieces of pizza? You poor, poor dear. No more salads!!!

~Sandi @ This one time at 'band' camp... said...

Omg girl! That is hilarious! I would be screwed, I eat two salads a day and I love my lettuce! No more salads for you!!!

Tina said...

I kind of miss salad...You must swallow that stuff down and have a tidy stoma coating to help the other stuff side down.

I have hurled on stuck spinach many times...cause I miss it more than a hamburger sometimes. and geezz it is supposed to be good for us right?

xxxooo

Sam said...

I never really thought about it before, but this haas happened to me too. I have always put it down to the fact that I wasn't having a big protein hit with the salad. that could be the case. Protein really curbs me hunger!

Ronnie said...

Lettuce is the devil. If it does that for your restriction, I wonder what kind of evil it would cause for my measly 3.5 cc's. :'( Now I'm scared to eat salads ever again. (Score, because I don't really like them unless they're smothered in fatty dressing! LOL)

Amanda said...

OMG I am starving after reading this post!! I have totally felt like this for three days now. Nothing seems to be filling me up!
I do okay with salads. So far at least.

Stephanie M. said...

Salad is a total slider food for me too. I thought I was the only one! I go to Panera for the half salad/half soup deal and I can usually eat every bite of the half BBQ chicken or Thai salad.

Susan said...

The band is so fickle! I try not to eat salads b/c not enough protein and I also eat too much cheese. The best thing I can do is fill myself up with protein. If I feel a binge coming on I will try to eat a piece of chicken and that usually fills me up. Doesn't take away my desire to binge but I won't eat as much.