Wednesday, February 9, 2011

The wake-up call

Why do we need them?  I don’t know about the rest of you, but it sort of pisses me off that I do.  I’ve been struggling for a couple of weeks now.  It all goes back to this new fill.  I have ½ cc more in me now than I did before, and in some respects I am tighter.  I definitely have a harder time eating in the morning.  But for the most part, it’s opened the world of food back up for me.  I hadn’t eaten any pasta, bread, or rice since surgery because that was a rule my doctor gave me; none of that for six months.  He says that those three things more than most others expand and that’s not a good idea while still getting used to your little stoma.  When the six month mark came, I had enough restriction that I was still afraid to try eating it. 

Then I got this fill and well slowly but surely I’ve been able to eat…. Anything.  Nothing is off limits.  And if I eat slowly enough, sometimes I can eat way more than I should be able to with no issues whatsoever.  Of course on other days I can’t get past bite two before I’m done, but that’s just the fickle nature of the band I think. 

I didn’t really eat a lot of pasta, bread, and rice before the surgery – it’s just not my thing.  But as I’ve been able to eat – really just capable – I’ve been seemingly experimenting non stop.  We just celebrated Christmas with my dad and step mom this weekend (yes, I know it’s February) and we ordered some pizza for the kids and some chicken pasta pesto for the grownups.  I fully expected to eat a few bites of the chicken and call it a day.  I wasn’t at all worried about it.  I knew Dad and Pat wouldn’t notice how little I was eating and if they did, an easy comment or even lie would placate them.

But then I had trouble telling the pieces of chicken and the penne apart – it was all the same sauce color and the same size-ish – and I had a few bites of pasta.  And guess what?  My stoma didn’t explode.  In fact, it went down with no problem at all.  When I had the chicken which was totally dry, that was a little dicey, but the pasta – no problem whatsoever.  So, of course I had more pasta.  Then, Brad and I took the left over pasta home with us – added more sauce because it was a little dry and I had more of it all weekend long.  Hell, I hadn’t had a bite of pasta in more than seven months – this was totally cool to me.

I had forgotten to do my weigh in on Friday, but had weighed myself last Wednesday which marked seven months since surgery and I was back in the right direction at 192.8.  Then the experimentation hit full swing.  OMG.  I can eat pasta.  That probably means I can eat sushi too – though I haven’t tried that one, maybe even ½ a sandwich.  Okay – really I have to back up.  I learned about the pasta over the weekend…. But the pizza.  I swear to god – honest to goodness pizza – that was on Thursday or Friday. 

Brad was away and there was a fundraising night for Jack’s school at a local pizza place.  I carefully reviewed their menu online from work and ordered a salad for me and some pizza for the boys.  Weeeellllll… I ate my salad – which I think must be a super band expanding food for me – and decided to take a bite of the pizza (which I also hadn’t had any of in seven months) and guess what.  I had no problem with it at all.  None.  I ended up eating 2 ½ pieces of pizza – and not any mamsy pamsy thin crust either – without even the tiniest comment from my band. (and of course this was after I ate the entire salad which I thought I’d only be eating a little bit of).  Holy shit, I had a whole salad and 2.5 pieces of pizza for dinner.  Are you kidding me?  How is that even possible?

Then we went onto the weekend where I had pasta – drenched in a creamy pesto sauce I might add.  Anyway – to the wakeup call.  Oh wait.  Have I been working out?  um… nope.  I even took Drazil’s challenge to workout the remaining – oh 6 or so days of January… I failed the first day.  I’d love to say it was all because I hurt my shoulder, but that would be a big fat lie.  There were probably a couple days in there where even the treadmill would have hurt my arm, but for the most part it was shear laziness.  I hate being lazy.

So to the wake-up call.  I have always weighed myself on Monday mornings – for many, many years.  Only since the band have I started making Friday’s my official weigh in day – but I still dutifully record my weight every Monday morning – of course it’s on a spreadsheet that goes back for years.  Well, my friends, I couldn’t do it.  I couldn’t make myself get on the scale on Monday morning.  I was too afraid of what the number might be.  Did you see what I ate?  Can you imagine?  But on Tuesday I had to do it.  I was afraid of continuing to not get on the scale – fearing that would start a big huge unstoppable slide back to where I started or worse.  (The other thing not getting on the scale is a sign of for me - is running away - like I do with blogging I think too - sometimes I only blog about the good stuff (band wise) and I really think that's unhealthy for me.  I need to just get it all out there - the good and the bad.  I just don't want to hide anymore.)

I got on the scale on Tuesday morning totally fearing I’d see a number that started with a 2 again.  And I did – but only for a second while it settled on its final number of HOLY SHIT 199.8.  OMG.  Seriously OMG.  So, I decided drastic measures were called for – something to whack my system back to where it needed to be.  I did liquids yesterday – I had plenty of protein – just all in liquid form.  Today I’m back to my normal if boring mostly protein food that I eat during the week.  I exercised yesterday and this morning.  I think the call (or weight, as it may be) woke me up sufficiently.  I don’t want to go back there.  Apparently it’s pretty easy to do – band or not.  Usually this current fill level doesn’t let me eat much – the pizza night was a total anomaly – but it does let me eat whatever the hell I want.  This is a good thing.  But it’s a very scary thing too.  We’ll see how it goes. 


Jess said...

I remember when I realized that I was one of the gifted bandsters that could eat bread with no problem. It was a loooong time ago and I thought yay! What's funny is that since I've been banded I don't eat the much pasta, bread, or rice and those were my favorite foods pre-band. Now I can't eat rice hardly ever because I find that it actually does expand and cause some discomfort. The others I have occasionally. It's not the end of the world.

You just have to pace yourself at introducing those foods back into your diet and eat the healthiest version of them when you can.

Way to jump back on the train, though!

This one time at 'band' camp... said...

I would love to experiment too but I am way to scared!!! The one thing in this world that I am so addicted to and thought I could never ever live without is Sushi, any kind of sushi! I would dream about it, think about it all day long and wish I could bathe in it...not anymore, I am ok with not having it for now...I might try it once I get closer to goal and have this under control...we'll see!

It's a scary thought thinking of where your head was these last couple of days but you have it under control! Back to basic's sometimes helps all of us!

Hang in there sunshine!

Bonnie said...

You have described the issue that I've been having. I can eat everything and while I haven't gained, I haven't lost either. If I could use willpower to lose weight, then I wouldn't have gotten the band. Sorry to whine. Just frustrated. Glad you nipped it in the bud and are back on track.

LDswims said...

What a great post! What a great journey! And a quick one, too!

You are doing well. I hope you know that. I can't imagine my doctor telling me "no this for x time frame" cause I woulda said "hell no" to him and done it just because. Oh, wait, I did tell him hell no (not to his face, of course). I experimented quickly and found a control with my go-to's that I have never experienced before. Nothing is off limits on my list except for what I put on that list. I won't let someone else dictate to me - because that creates cravings which creates binging.

Funny thing is, only thing on my "can't" list right now is salad. I can eat bread, rice, pasta, pizza, etc...but salad and most raw veggies will not go down.

You are doing so well! And I love that it just took you a weekend to get the wakeup call.

Heather said...

I am right here with you. When I had my slight unfill in January a whole new world was opened back up. I am wanting to go get more fill again! Soon! Hang in there!

Joey said...

You are getting back in the swing of things....we both are :)

Drazil said...

Honey - chin up - you're making changes and as long as your slip doesn't become a'll be alright. You got this. Recognizing what you've been doing wrong and saying it out loud is a good place to start and we all have your back. Now get back on track - right now - mmkkaayy?

amandakiska said...

I can eat pizza, pasta and sandwiches with no issue, band-wise. I do watch the calories to make sure I don't go overboard.

Ronnie said...

You're doing great, nothing wrong with a little bit of experimenting, just keep yourself accountable. :) I never used to blog about the bad stuff, but now I'm finding that I like to confess my "sins."