Monday, October 31, 2011

Me and my band...

So… this is at least in part a blog about my lap band, right?  I’ve been remiss about that lately and that’s got to change.

I’ve gained weight in every challenge I’ve ever done, including the before Chicago one and I’ve only gained more since then.  I’m not talking thousands of pounds – but still… I am slowing trickling in the wrong directly vs heading steadily in the right direction. 

I’ve just gotten complacent – I can totally see how people fail with this thing.  At least for me – it’s never affected my hunger levels and I think it’s easy for me to say – waaaaa, poor me and ignore the things it does do for me.  It does not let me eat a whole pizza – most of the time.  it’s true that it takes big vacations and I have no doubt I could, in fact, eat a whole pizza some days – whereas other days I couldn’t eat more than a bite without getting stuck to high heaven.  And the number of days where I can eat way too much are much, much fewer than the days where the band says – uh… yeah, you should stop now.  The other thing it does for me – most of the time – is tell me I should stop eating now.  It’s the listening to that – that’s the problem for me. 

This weekend I had my normal chai latte and then went to work in the basement – I got tons done down there – it’s almost the lovely room I envisioned when we finished the basement – but at about 2pm I was STARVED!!!  I headed upstairs and for some strange reason decided I wanted a grilled cheese sandwich.  I haven’t had one of those in forever…. Years.  Anyway, I made myself one (with swiss cheese) knowing I probably wasn’t going to be able to eat more than a bite or two.  But nope.  I had no problem scarfing it right down.  Like seriously.  It was a sandwich.  There were 2 pieces of bread – with cheese in the middle.  Not one little problem.  But… you know what?  I know better than that all by myself. 

So… starting right now – I’m going to be talking a lot more about my band – and life with it.  I’m doing the 5 day pouch test this week which helps my brain remember that I am, in fact, in control of my choices.  And I’m committing to you all, here and now, that I will get on the treadmill at least three times this week for at least 30 minutes each time.  I’m starting slowly, with the hope of working up from there.  I’ve been totally sucking at the working out thing which is really annoying to me because I actually really like to work out.  So we’ll start slowly and work from there.

There you have it!
Happy Halloween!!

edited to add: I just ate some SF jello (on the pouch test) and I swear I had a hard time getting it down.  How can I have no problem eating a grilled cheese sandwich one day and have a hard time eating JELLO!!! the next???

Saturday, October 29, 2011

Ricky's extended family-isms....

So... Ricky's brother-in-law passed away shortly right before she left our house.  In fact, she ended up staying a bit longer and Dan took her to up state NY for the service.  He was married to Ricky's sister who passed away about 15 years ago.  She's remained close with the kids and had remained fairly close with him until he got remarried and his wife decided she HATED Ricky.  Obviously I get that Ricky can be annoying as hell on so many levels.  But she's almost not worth hating.

His name was Tony and he was a character to say the least.  He came to our wedding and flirted outrageously with my mother.  Every single time he talked to Ricky over the years he asked about my mom.  Ricky delighted in telling me over and over and over and over and over how he was sweet on my mom.  Then she'd go on to extol all the virtues of my mom.  Of course since I'm pretty anti - my mom, not to mention pretty anti - Ricky right now - I'm in no mood... but... this is not the point.

The point is Patty.  Patty is Tony's new wife.  Though I think new is the wrong word - I think they've been married for at least 5 years.  She's a treasure.  I've never met her and I'm kind of sad - I think she could have been some fodder for a whole hell of a lot of blog posts.  And... Tony's three kids... well, I have met all of them and well... they are all fucking bat shit crazy.  Seriously.  Crazy.

But anyway - Dan was really stressed about going to the service because there is always so damn much drama surrounding his family.  Early in our relationship I used to refer to his family as the 'black hole of negativity' (I'm sure I've said that here before at some point).  And being from that environment it's really easy to get sucked into the drama - which in turn sucks the life right out of you.  If I'm with him, it's a hell of a lot harder for him to get sucked in because of course they don't have access to any of my buttons and I just think they're all insane.  So I can just shake my head and say... uh, no thanks, I'll just take my paper cup of wine and go over here and people watch.

So I told him how I was a little disappointed at not being able to go as I knew it would be ripe with fun things to blog about.  I mean, seriously, how could it miss.  Of course, truly my hope was to distract him from his family's drama by giving him an assignment that would keep at least a part of me with him while he was there.  I asked him to write down notable quotes and if possible take some fun pictures for me to later blog about.

Unfortunately there were no fun pictures to be had.  Unlike the plethora of flannel shirts and holey t-shirts that showed up to his father's funeral - this was a different part of the family - really mostly the family of the in-law Tony - and apparently they remembered you should show some respect.  But... as it turned out..

Patty, the grieving widow, provided plenty of noteworthy quotes....

*God damn it, I forgot my tampax, coat, and my lighter

*I hate bras. This one is killing me.

*I met him at a pig roast.  Everything from bikers to farmers, he fit right in.

*I was dancing on stage, no bra, low cut shirt and he was waiting for my tits to come out.

*He popped a champagne cork in bed. (I'm not even sure what this one means)

*Met him and within a week, I was living with him.  Married new years eve.

(pointing at ~6 yr old picture) *This is the same outfit I am wearing today.  You can see how much I dress up.

And finally from one of the daughters, speaking of the grieving widow :

*I am hiding from Patty.  I hate that bitch


Dan's been gone for the whole week and has finally come home at about 8pm last night.

I yell down to the basement where Tommy is playing video games;

Daddy's home and he brought you some tacos.

Tom:  I'm not hungry for tacos, the other dinner filled me up (which is a first in recent times)


A half hour or so later
The house is clean -it happens rarely, but last night it was clean.  The floors had been washed - all was right in the world.

Jason is watching TV.  Dan is eating his late dinner and I'm doing a little clean up.  Tommy finally comes upstairs after finally being able to rip his eyeballs away from the video game.  He greets his dad and then makes himself a bowl of ice cream which is, in and of itself, pretty remarkable as his "I can do it all by myself" skills suck.  So... yay for him.  He goes to the freezer to get the ice cream, goes and gets a bowl.  Eventually had to get a spoon, go to throw something away then to the sink, then to the table to eat.  After a couple of minutes I look up and realize he has tracked little bits of dried mud to and from all the places he had just been.  He's wearing basketball shoes with little ridges that are creating these little rectangular bits of dirt.  There are very specific paths of dirt - up from downstairs, to the freezer, to the cabinets and drawers, to the sink and trashcan and it ends at the table where he's now sitting.

Me:  Oh man, Tom you've been tracking mud all over the place. (I point out all the tracks he's just made.  I'm not mad about it at all, he didn't mean to do it and I'm about to make him clean it up.)  When you're done your ice cream I need you to go get the broom and clean it up.

Him: OH. MY. GOD. (big, sorry-for-myself sigh) You don't even know that it was me!!!  It could have been Jason!


Now it's a new day and it's snowing here in MD.  Let me repeat that for you... It's snowing here in MD.  It's not snowing in WY where my friend Farrah is and frankly she's laughing at me.  But still... it's a new day.  And Tommy is being an annoying not so little teenager.  Especially to his brother.  Jason wants nothing more than to do what Tommy's doing and Tommy is doing the whole bait and switch thing over and over.  Tommy says he's going outside... so Jason gets ready to go too.  Then when Jason tells Tommy he's ready Tommy says - I'm not going outside it's pouring right now (the snow switched over to a nice rain/ice mix for a bit) and this is said with a perfect "you're an idiot" tone.  Like OMG what kind of freak would want to go out in this kind of weather.  That was the last one I was willing to hear so I call Tommy up to me where I'm typing this little blog about him.

Me: I have not liked your attitude all day today and it's still early yet.  You're making Jason crazy and you're doing it on....

Tommy: Mom, I have...

Me: ...purpose  (OMG I hate to be interrupted) KEEP YOUR MOUTH CLOSED WHILE I'M TALKING TO YOU. You keep telling....

Tommy: you're totally right

Me: ...him one thing and then doing another.  uh?  wait, what?  what did you say?

Tommy: you're right.  I'm not telling him the right stuff.  I'm changing my mind on purpose.  But I swear I haven't actually lied to him.

Me: (well knock me over) - Can you please stop that - it's just going to make him crazy and then mad and then frustrated and he'll be crying and there's no need to go there.

Tommy: yeah, I'll stop.  I'm sorry.

Me:  Okay, good.  And thanks.

Tommy turns to leave but stops at the door and looks back at me...

Tom: OMG - that was SO much easier!!!

Me:  I know, let's keep doing it like that.

Tom: (grinning) we'll see.

Maybe there's hope for him yet....

Friday, October 28, 2011

BYOC!!! Bring Your Own Crazy!!

It’s Friday and time for BYOC – Bring Your Own Crazy! A couple of questions we answer to get to know each other better and to give our blogging brains a break. Copy to your own blog and enjoy!

This week Draz’s questions are going themed…as in they are all about blogging and just to throw you off – there are more than 5 this time!!

1. When did you begin blogging? Do you plan to do it a long time or do you think you’ll stop after a while?

I started a family blog years ago, probably like five or so, both as a way to keep my husband’s family up to date with the cute things my kids did and also as a way to “write stuff down”.  Every time I would call my mom and tell her something funny one of the kid’s did she’d say… write that down so you don’t forget… So for a while I had a bunch of pieces of paper with cute things on them floating around, but of course they are not together and of course who knows if I’ll ever see them again.  So began the blog.  Then I started this one a couple of years ago.  I suspect I’ll always do it. I find it helpful to get my feelings about all manner of things out there – not to mention this community is so much more than I ever, ever expected was possible!!!
2.  What do you enjoy more - blogging yourself or reading other’s blogs?

Oh… hmmmm.  It completely depends on my mood.  Sometimes I’m in a selfish blogging mood and I just need to get stuff out there in order to help me process it and other times I love the give and take of blogging (who knew that was even possible?).  Where one idea will show up on someone’s blog and I’ll add my thoughts on the topic and someone else will add theirs and so on and so on.  And other times, like last night for instance, I was completely in a reading mood.  I was reading some blogs way back from the beginning.   
3.  What’s the biggest thing blogging has taught you? Biggest surprise about blogging?

The biggest thing it’s taught me?  hmmm.  I guess that would be the biggest surprise.  That I could actually, just through blogging, get to know and fall in love with so many wonderful people.  I suspected there would be helpful people out there when I started this blog, but it never once dawned on me that so many of you would become like family to me.  I truly have this whole group of women that I completely love and completely trust and love that was far more than a surprise – more like a shock to the system – but man, I just could not be more grateful about it!.  I feel truly blessed to have found this community!
4.  Have you met any other bloggers in real life – solely because of your blog or theirs?

Yup. I attend the BOOBs event in Chicago annually with other bloggers. About 50 or so women each time.  And I’m lucky enough to live near a few and we’ve gotten together every once in a while too!!!

5.  Does your blog have a general theme as in one topic or do you cover everything and anything?

Well… in theory the theme is being banded, but… I’m not so sure that’s really all that true.  I suspect I’ll always come back to that and in fact, I’m planning to (starting immediately) make it a little more about that – or at least bring that part of my life back to the forefront.  But… I’m me and well… I’m a scatterbrain and I will always throw out there whatever the hell might be on my mind.  Sometimes I sort of feel like I’m sitting on my deck with a bunch of friends are we’re all swapping stories about life – the good the bad and the ugly. 
6.  Are you public or anonymous? Whichever you are – do you ever wish you were the other?

well… can I say a little bit of both.  My real name is not Read, though it is my middle name (oh and this weekend my mom went back to swearing that it was because my dad thought I was going to have red hair.  She was adamant enough about it that I’m convinced she believes that is the true story – I’m not sure I believe that’s the true story, but now I’m thinking of coming up with a new story about it).  I’m only a little bit anonymous and it’s because I haven’t told my mom or most of the rest of my friends and family about my band.  And as you know I’m in the process of switching the names of my husband and children from their real names to their new fake names.  

And well… sure, sometimes I wish I was totally anonymous and sometimes I wish I was totally out there – so… I’m just never satisfied, am I?
7.  What’s your best blogging advice for a new blogger?

well… two things.  1) be yourself cuz it’s just too damn hard to be anyone else and the people you will find and connect to are people the real you wants to find and connect to – you wouldn’t be able to find those same people if you were trying to be something you’re not.  And 2) if you are wanting to join a blogging community – read and comment on other’s blogs.  It’s the best way to let others know you even exist.   
8.  Does anyone in your real life read your blog/know its address? Do you wish they would or wouldn’t?

My husband knows it and my sister knows it – and of course my friend Farrah and there are probably a couple of others like that.  Occasionally I wish my husband and sister didn’t know about it, but that’s usually fleeting.  Much more true of my husband as he latches onto things very easily and what I might have spewed out one day when I was in a mood will become the bible as he knows it.  But… it is what it is, and I try not to spew about him on here, but instead choose my words more carefully knowing he’ll read them later.  I don’t always succeed, but hell, I don’t always succeed in person either so hopefully he can live with that.
9.  Do you enjoy blogging or do you view it as a chore? How often do you blog?

OMG I love it – though sometimes I get bogged down feeling like I haven’t been good or funny or prolific enough and that will shut me down for a while.  Where did my funny stories go?  It’s not like my life has changed all that much…  But, then Jason will do a little happy dance and I remember to blog about it and I feel okay again.
10.  Do you tell people in your real life that you blog? Or keep it a secret?

Oh everyone knows I blog and if pressed I will refer them to my family blog which I will occasionally still update.  The other one is connected to FB and I only put stuff on there that is both cute and noteworthy and also not offensive to anyone I know on FB.  Like I can’t put the Jason happy dance story on there because one of my in-laws might tell my MIL about it.  When I went to Chicago I debated coming up with some elaborate story about how I knew all these people but ultimately decided to just say I know them from blogging and when asked the theme of the blogging group I say it totally varies – which I think is true even if it could also be a bit of a lie. 
I hope everyone has a fantastic weekend!!!

Wednesday, October 26, 2011

Emotional IQ....

Me and emotions are not very good friends.  We met late in life... okay that's not completely true - we met very early in life but I was told that emotions were bad, I got in trouble when I was shy or scared or sad or angry or whatever.  I learned to put on the happy face and make very little waves.  I learned to do whatever made the person I was with happy - or content.  I stopped crying completely.  I probably didn't cry at all from the time I was about 7 or 8 until I was twenty something.  Maybe there was something in there during that time but I don't think so.

Anyway - my mom is a great... fun gal - a great friend - but she wasn't a great nurturer.  Recently she yelled at Jason while he was throwing up and crying because he was over tired and missing his parents.  (he was staying with her one night after the comic-con where he had stayed up too late for 3 nights in a row and it had taken its toll out on him).  He'd called me on a cell phone crying for me - and I was doing a fine job of calming him down when my mom came in very annoyed with him.  "Jason!  If you are going to keep crying and getting sick the least you can do is keep it down and stop disturbing the rest of us."  A delight, my mom is.

Anyway - I called my mom on her house phone and let her know I'd heard her and just how unhappy I was about it.  I've been working for 2 1/2 years to get Jason over his separation anxiety (up to and including therapy for the little guy) and he's so so so much better - but being yelled at in that situation is not helping anyone.  Anyway - my mom was so annoyed that I'd heard her.  Annoyed that technology exists that makes it possible that I heard her.  Not annoyed that she'd let her frustration get the better of her... hell as far as I know, she thinks yelling at the vomiting boy is a fine thing to do.  She never apologized or in any way let me or Jason know she thought her behavior wasn't just fine.  Needless to say she'll not be watching him again.

But the point is - this little episode with Jason has totally tapped into all my childhood stuff with my mom - not to mention all the obvious mama bear stuff I've got going on.  Emotions were bad because they were inconvenient to her - not part of her plan.  She was a tornado of emotions and took out every frustration on my sister and I.  We dealt with that in different ways and my way to was to just turn off all emotions.  Learn to want and need and demand nothing - no sympathy, no comfort, no help, nothing.

This only doing what was expected of me led me to doing things I didn't want to do; with drugs, with boys.

Oh hell...

this wasn't where I was going... the point is... I am very emotionally ignorant.  My walls have walls.  I came by it very honestly.  I learned to shut it all down as a kid and so... I missed a lot of years in learning how to deal with the world emotionally.  I've got nothing to fall back on.  I've learned a lot about emotions as an adult but I'm still pretty much an idiot about them.  I can feel them now.  I can even describe what I'm feeling a lot of the time, but I have no ability whatsoever to non-verbally communicate my emotions.  If I'm sad or depressed or hopeless I will look outwardly just like I'd look if I were happy or calm or peaceful.  Some of that is that I can distract with the best of them.... Hey look (pointing over your shoulder) there's a big bird, you've got to see it.  (and while you're looking hopefully you'll forget whatever it was you were going to ask me).  But most of it is - I just don't have a clue how one does that.  There's nothing remotely natural about it.

Anyway - this is on my mind cuz this is what we talked about in therapy this week.  I went alone as Dan is out of town and we talked a lot about emotions.  We've previously talked about how mine and Dan's dysfunctions matched nicely when we got married.  I was brought up not to want or need anything and he was brought up to run from people who want and need things.  We were a match made in heaven.  The problem was - I got a lot healthier in my late 20s and I've only gotten better and stronger since then.  I'm still an emotional idiot - okay, maybe not an idiot - but definitely not normal (and I mean that in the best possible way.)

But I'm really good with who I am now.  I'm really comfortable in my own skin.  Sure I wish there was less skin to be comfortable in - but my outside does not define me.  I am happy with who I am.  I am happy with the decisions I've made.  I want more out of my marriage - I am expressing wants and needs.  The wants and needs I have are not unreasonable.  But to my poor husband with the lessons he learned they are frightening.  They are pressure.  They are ways he can fail.  Fail me, fail himself.

You've all heard me talk about the things that are wrong in my marriage.  It's hard to feel love from a man too scared to reach out to you.  But I'm not doing him enough of a service.  He's a good and loving man.  He wants to do the right thing.  His childhood fucked him up but good and he has even less skills than I do.  He's still in that place where he runs from wants and needs and he does that because the wants and needs from his mother were no where near reasonable or sane.  It's a gut level instinct to him to protect what's his and keep everyone else out.  Does it mean that just because I know he's a good and loving man - that that will be enough to keep me here with him for the long haul - nope, it doesn't.  There will need to be changes.  I have needs that have to be met.  I have to feel safe and loved in my home - it's not negotiable.  But it does mean that staying here with him - and going to therapy with an open heart is absolutely worth my time and effort.  I have a sincere desire for my marriage to last for the rest of our lives.  But I love myself enough to know that doesn't have to happen for my life to be complete or good or a success.

As an aside... I was just thinking today about how I was taught to hide my emotions - I wonder if that's why I'm fat - all that stuff had to go somewhere.  Of course now the opposite should be true too - I'm pretty good about feeling my emotions if not about showing them - the weight should just fall off, don't you think?

Tuesday, October 25, 2011

Is it so wrong????

So.. Ricky is gone.  Dan (husband) took her back to NY yesterday.  There was a death in her extended family which caused her to stay a couple of extra days, but now Dan has taken her to the service and will then fly from there to NC for the rest of the week for work.  It’s just me and the boys and we’re having a delightful time. 

But… I’m like the world’s worst mom – or at least world’s worst role model. 

We get home on Monday night and Jason (10 year old) starts to dump his backpack onto the couch right where Ricky likes to sit (with hand in pants) and he stops mid dump and looks up at me and asks… Oh is Grandma sitting here?  I reply that Grandma is gone, Daddy took her back up to New York this afternoon.  He asks… Is Daddy gonna bring her back with him?  Nope, I tell him.  And it’s there.  Just for an instant.  A look of unfettered glee passes over his eyes before he immediately schools his face.  But I know my kid and I saw it, though I’m awfully proud of him for doing his best to keep it hidden. 

I say to him (and this is the really bad role model part) Do you know how that makes me feel?  The fact that Grandma is gone.

Jason: (skeptically) no.

Me: (shooting both fists into the air) JOYFUL!  WOO HOOO!!!! YAY!!!

Jason:  (grinning ear to ear) OMG me too!!! But I thought you’d get mad at me if I said that.  Do you know what it make me feel inside??

Me: (also grinning) nope, what?

He proceeds to do a little happy boogie that involves every single bit of his body as he dances with glee around the room. 

I love my kid!

Wednesday, October 19, 2011

Help a blogger out.... please

Okay - so I have a friend.  (I know, I know, that's a surprise in and of itself. )  Anyway, her name is Charley and she's one of my all time favorite people in the world.  She's a younger, prettier version of me and I'm in no way shape or form disparaging myself - she's just the bomb.

But... she has HORRIBLE luck with men.  It's a long story that I won't go into now - but she's just recently gone through a TERRIBLE breakup with perhaps the world's biggest ass ever!!!  Anyway - like she did several years ago she has this fantastic blog about her escapades on Match dot com.  She's fun and funny and witty and just plain wonderful!  But she's mostly writing in a vacuum and I know she'd love love love to have the support and comments from a bunch of wonderful women who can help her and amuse her and help guide her as she travels down this path again.

The thing is, I haven't told her about my band so I was at first hesitant to link her to me and I'm still not quite ready to do that.  She's someone I would tell, so it certainly won't be the end of the world when she finds out but...  I guess I'm asking you all to go visit her blog and to comment when you are so struck and to not say - hey, my friend Read, you know, the one with the lap band, she sent me over....  How's that?? 

So.... her blog is called Charley in Charm City and thank you so much in advance for any support and encouragement you give to her, you won't be sorry, I promise!!  Every once in a while she mentions me on her blog and I'm Read there too.

Thanks again - love you all!!!

Monday, October 17, 2011

Note to self

Big, soft, chewy, warm, peanut butter cookies are not a good idea. Trust me on this. A small bite is fine. Even a few bites. But the whole thing... Yeah, not so much.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Saturday, October 15, 2011

BYOC - better late than never...

Five little questions you can copy and paste and answer in your own blog to get to know your fellow bloggers better and to give your blog brain a break!

Oh and a quick shout out – some of my dearest blogging friends helped me come up with questions again this week!


1. What’s your most favorite noise and your least favorite noise?

Most fave - a kid's belly laugh

Least fave - That serious plaintive cry that comes from your kids (I guess any kids really) where you immediately know there's really something wrong.... as in real pain.

2. If you were a character in the movie Grease – who would you be?

I used to be Rizzo, but now I'd say Cha Cha

3. What was the name of your best friend in elementary school? Are you still friends?

Kelli Gr**ntr**  (that's arbolverde in spanish).  I moved into her neighborhood when I was five and she was four (and if we're together to this day, I'll say the "I was five" part and she'll say "and I was four".  She now lives about 10 min from me, literally around the corner from my sister.  She's more like a family member.  She remembers more about my childhood than I do.  If I have to know something that happened when we were kids I can call Kelli just as much as I can call my sister - which is kind of funny.  She is a very nice person, but we were not really close any more.  She moved to an extremely conservative church and believes her values are better than anyone else's.  I still like her very much - she's sort of like a nice cousin that I see every once in a great while. 

4. Who is your current celebrity crush?

I'm not a big celebrity person - but... certainly George Clooney can always make me swoon.

5. Repeat question: How was your week in real life and in blog land?

Real life - has been fine.  Nothing too big or too bad going on.  Husband took older son to NY for their comic book convention and they both had a great time!!  MIL is still here so that's fun and a PITA at the same time.  Boys did great in sports this week.  I didn't want to kill my husband too much.  I haven't gotten over our last therapy session all the way.  He blamed me for him not doing his homework.  I have super powers that extend to controlling how others spend their time.  It must have been hell on him in school what with other people able to control whether or not he did his homework.  ( <---- see what I mean, I've been all snarky and bitchy about it all week long).  It was my fault because I'm a harsh bitch.  I make doing anything hard.  I'm not sure why he wants to keep living in such a harsh environment, but he says he does.

Blogland - uh... I've stopped going online at work completely.  It was just sucking too much time for me - and I haven't yet found a good rhythm to blogging at home fully yet.  I'll get there though.  I am loving going through people's posts about Chicago - so much fun!!  I've had two ipad face time chats with Gilly and OMG do I love that.  It's like we're sitting down to have a glass of wine together because - we ARE sitting down and having a glass of wine together.  This is the first time I've thought my ipad was the single coolest things ever!

Love you all!!

Thursday, October 13, 2011

A couple of quick Ricky-isms

Her - do they have chicken parm in a kids' portion?

Me - well even if they don't we can still get it for you and you can eat left overs tomorrow if you want.

Her -  that's true too (her favorite filler thing to say).

Me - would you also like a salad to go with that?

Her - that's what I was saying.  Why don't I just get the chicken parm and a salad and not get any spaghetti.

Me - um... we haven't yet mentioned spaghetti - but you're telling me you don't want it.

Her - right.

Me - ok

Her - just the chicken parm and a salad with blue cheese.


(a big roll of thunder sounds, rattling the windows)

Her: is it going to thunder tonight?


He wasn't the kind of guy who went to the hospital.  He never, ever went.  Well, unless he was going to die, then he'd go.

Friday, October 7, 2011

BYOC - OMG I almost missed it...


1. If you were given $1,000,000 that you had to spend ONLY ON would you spend the money?

Hmmmm.  Probably on a cook, a car, some exercise equipment, another car, some shoes, some purses....

2. Who would you say is the one person that's had the most influence on your life? By that, I mean the person that has molded you in to the person you are today?

Oh God.  You could go in so many damn directions with this... Is it the the crazy parents I had that I had to work to overcome?  Is it my husband who's recently helped teach me what my limits are?  Is it Farrah who reminds me every single day that unconditional love and support doesn't have to be hard?  Is it my grandmothers who taught me to be fierce (in very different ways).  I don't know if there's one single person - I'm more a... it takes a village kind of girl....

3. What is your normal morning routine? Are you a bear in the morning, or is the morning your favorite part of the day?

I'm not a morning person, per se - but I'm a 'whatever time I get up' person.  So I'm the happy, easy going one in the morning.  When I'm clicking on all cylinders I much prefer to work out in the morning, get in, get it done and move on - but I do love my sleep so I'm still working on getting my cylinders clicking at the moment.  But for routine - it depends on if I have kid duty or not.  If Brad's in town he deals with getting the kids out in the morning, if he's traveling I do.  Whether he's home or not, I usually make sure they're both at least thinking about getting out of bed before I jump in the shower.  A little make up, some clothes, I let my hair air dry on the way to work (best when it's warm enough for the top to be down) - make my chai, pack some things to eat during the day and head out the door.

4. If you're a Facebook and Twitter user, which do you prefer and why? If you're just a Facebook user, what do you think of the new changes?

I don't do twitter - well I do have an account though I can't log in anymore so maybe I guess that means I don't have an account anymore.

Facebook - eh.  They change it every so often - I'm not sure I've ever seen why - but eh.

5.  Repeat was your week in real life and in blog land this week?
Real life was tired.  I didn't get enough sleep before, during or after Chicago.  But I'm about caught up now.  Ignoring Chicago which I've already talked about - there were some really wonderful parts, there were some really tough parts, and there were a lot of same 'ol, same 'ol parts.

Blog life has been totally fun - and I'm no where near done catching up on everyone's Chicago posts.  All the pictures are all so wonderful - especially Angela's (LOLOL) - it makes me feel like I'm still there.

I hope everyone has a great week.

Thursday, October 6, 2011

The Ricky pictures...

See Angela, I wasn't lying...

Wednesday, October 5, 2011

More BOOBs fun...

As promised....

Sandy Lee came to the pajama party more than a little drunk already, she needed some help with the order her clothes should be put on...

What do you think??  The ad department is trying to decide the right look for the campaign for their new game "What the Fuck" Please tell us what you think...

And finally - the age old question still remains unanswered... Who's the biggest slut???

Life in our asylum – don’t you want to come too?

I have more fun BOOBs things, but I want to add pictures and they are at home.  The teasers are…
- Sandy Lee wearing animal print underwear outside of her pants
- Jenny asking “what the fuck”
- And Gilly and Linda asking “Who’s the biggest slut”

But first – a few normal every day things that happened in our asylum last night while fixing dinner…

Another Tommy-ism (the 13 year old)

Me: Tommy, please see if Bandit needs food and water. (said for the 27th time)

Him: I’m on it, I’m getting him water.

A few minutes later as I’m bustling around the kitchen getting dinner together I hear water landing on a distant surface and look around to figure out what the hell that is… It’s our brain trust.  Of course it is. 

You know those things that you put summer cocktails in with a little spout at the bottom so people can help themselves when they want a new drink… yeah, well he’s filled this with water for the dog and has positioned it on the high bar in our kitchen somewhere in the vicinity of over the dog’s bowl and was systematically working out the trajectory in order to give the fucking dog some fucking water. 

Me: THOMAS WILLIAM ARE YOU FUCKING CRAZY  (I may have left the cussing out, but I was definitely thinking it.)  What the hell are you doing?

Him: giving the dog water (said with the know-it-all, I’m-doing-nothing-you-haven’t-asked-me-to-do tone of voice)

I gave him The Look.  You know, the one that says you’re a fucking moron and we both know it but because I’m your mom I can’t really say that out loud and if you don’t cease and desist immediately I’m going to beat you senseless.  It’s a hell of a look and he knows it very well.

Him – sorry, I’ll clean it up.  (see, I told you, it’s a hell of a look.)


So… I was reading the other day, or maybe it was on the news, no I think I was reading it.  No wait, it was definitely CNN, I think.  But they were talking, or it could have been writing about this girl, a single girl with three children.  She wasn’t married, or, hmmm, maybe she did have a husband or well, I guess she had to have one at some time, but I think she was still married.  Anyway, this single girl was making only $25,000 a year and was able to make ends meet because of coupons.  You know Steve (my BIL) does that.  He’s a smart boy.  He’s married too.

Ricky – Did I tell you how we were all at the table?  It was for a meal, maybe it was dinner.  I think it was at Denise’s (my SIL) house.  So, we were all around the table and someone asked.  It was me and Denise and Steve, and I think Barbie (other SIL) was there too, so I guess her kids were there and maybe Susan (niece).  Anyway, we were all around the table for dinner and someone asked how many miles is 5,380….

Tommy, Dan (husband), and I all said simultaneously – 5,280

Ricky – okay yeah 5,280.  So they said, I don’t remember who, but they said how many miles is 5,380?  (cuz that’s definitely a question.  “Hey, Fluffy, how many miles is 5,380?”)  And I knew.  They were all so surprised that I pulled 5,380.  They just couldn’t get over the fact that I knew how many miles 5,380 was.

The best part of this one, however, was how Tommy was looking at me throughout her telling of her miraculous story – mouthing to me that it’s how many feet are in a mile – not how many miles are in a… something she never disclosed, and that it was 5,280 not 5,380.  I was mouthing right back that it was ok, to let her have her win.  And of course she was completely oblivious to the whole side conversation.

Tuesday, October 4, 2011

BOOBs 2011 - my take. And a couple of Ricky-isms

So… Let’s talk about BOOBs 2011, shall we?

Okay… first of all, to all of you who went and either lost or didn’t gain – poo on you.  Well, I suppose I could say I lost or didn’t gain as there’s no fucking way I’m going anywhere near a scale for at least a week.  My goal this week is to gradually ease myself back into eating like a normal human.  One who doesn’t want to bathe in pumpkin cheesecake quite so intently.  We’ll see how that goes.

But that out of the way.  Wow.  That pretty much sums up the weekend.  I really thought I was going to have all these wonderful and profound thoughts about it – but I’m not sure how to put all that into words.  I was talking with Dawnya last night and she said it was like being with the family you hand-picked and that’s exactly right.  There was just so much universal love and support in our group.  You know, I hear women are just not supposed to be like that.  They (okay we) are supposed to be mean and back-stabby and that’s just not what I encountered.  And yes, of course there were a couple of Debbie Downers in the group who know all and get pleasure out of finding fault – but even that – while hurtful and just plain annoying – was pretty small potatoes compared to the whole.

Where else in your life can you just show up in a city knowing personally a handful of people at most (for all the other first timers) and be immediately welcomed into the fold?  That kind of stuff just plain doesn’t happen in the real world…. Right?  And of course you’ve heard it all before but everyone is just exactly like you knew they’d be based on their blog.  I believe it was Joey that said (and maybe she said it in NY) that it’s kind of like meeting a bunch of celebrities.  We’ve all seen their pictures, heard lots of stories about them, know intimate details about their lives (oh, wait, is that just me?) and then… OMG look!!! Right there!! Coming in the door!!!  It’s Fluffy.  Okay it didn’t work like that for her as she’s totally anonymous but you get what I mean.  I was star struck the whole dang weekend. 

Okay that’s not true.  Because it seems people are just as excited to see you as you are to see them.  It works in both directions in all cases – how frikkin’ cool is that?? 

So… some of my favorite memories in no sane order…
  • Being accepted into the group of women I spent the most time with as if I’d always been there.  I swear I feel as though I’ve known all of them for my whole lives and this was just a super fun reunion weekend. 
  • Having Linda as a roommate who never ceases to make me spit out my coffee laugh at least once a day.  Some of the things that come out of that sweet and loving mouth are just To. Die. For.
  • The hand gestures used to describe the ‘inverted cobra’ – which this innocent mind never did grasp.
  • Being with Drazil as she experienced her first sex shop and struggled to understand what the fuss was all about.
  • OMG – that pumpkin cheesecake – I’m still working on how I could manage to eat just that for the rest of my life.
  • The pictures of me that I discovered on my phone that I have no recollection of – that’s always a fun surprise
  • Tina tipsy
  • The orgasm Gilly had while eating cheesecake at Cheesecake Factory – you can bet your sweet ass I’ll be ordering what she had when I next go there.  I have it on film and will show you all later – I had to receive special permission, but phew, all the paperwork was officially signed.
  • Hanging out with Jessica, Fluffy, and Angela at the karaoke bar that first night.  I want more time with them!
  • The meal we shared at Pizzeria Due – OMG that was fun.  And Kristin was there with us the whole time.  As was Tonya and Kung Fu Panda Bear – they were just all so great!!
  • Bonding with Gilly
  • Making Tessie Rose crazy – hopefully she got how all in fun it was – but man did I have fun trying to get her husband to send me inappropriate pictures.  I can’t tell you how much I love the two of them – but even more how much I love the two of them together.  His comments and hers were always so perfectly in sync and so damn funny!  It was too hard to pass up!
  • Getting to finally meet Deb, Stephanie, Jenny, and Drazil in person who are all just as wonderful and amazing as I knew they’d be.
  • My Color Purple hair done by Dawnya
  • The tears at the end.  It took every damn thing I had not to cry – but I knew if I started I’d have cried all the damn way home and I’ve cried too damn much this year alfuckingready.
  • Stephanie’s skirt tucked into her jeans.
  • The smell of the pie company
  • The smell of the popcorn place
  • How holy fucking funny Dawnya is
  • The whole pajama party
  • Barb’s boobs
  • 4,233 lbs

Some of my favorite quotes;
  • “Ken is huge, he fills a room”  (obviously I’m hoping to meet up with Ken one of these days.)
  • “Frequent Farter”… do you get points for that and what do you get when you redeem them??
  • “Peeing on your feet prevents or cures athlete’s foot” – I’m still debating whether or not I should tell my 13 year old jock this…
  • By Gilly about Dawyna: “I didn’t think I could be shocked, but that girl just keeps shocking me”

There’s no doubt way more that I’m not remembering right at this moment so I’ll add things as I think of them and I’ll work on pictures when I’m home, hopefully this weekend.

One last thing….
I want to say a special heart felt thank you to all the planners for all the hard work, blood, sweat, tears, heart, and soul they put into making such an awe inspiring and special weekend possible for the rest of us.  They do this all without pay and without any special compensation of any kind.  I for one think the rest of us should be paying for their dinners, at the very least, or something along those lines in the future.  And on a personal note – they welcomed me into their fold with open arms and I couldn’t be more humbled and grateful for that.

And now – a couple Ricky-isms

I believe since she’s been at our house I have spent approximately 3 minutes (and I think that’s high) in her presence so there’s not been a lot of opportunity yet..

But still…  So, while we were in Chicago she watched her first football game.  She lay on the couch in her favored position – legs hanging over the arm of the couch, hand in her pants (picture will follow when available) – and looked in the direction of the TV.  Dan (my husband) reports that at the end of the game she looked over to him and said;

Daa-aaan (it’s not a southern thing as she’s from NY, I just think she likes names with two syllables) Are they all black??

I got home from Chicago at about quarter till 9 on Sunday night and after a while I headed upstairs to put Jason (my 10 year old) to bed.  As I get to the top of the stairs for the first time in four days Ricky says to me.

Cam-la (see… the two syllable thing again) – where did Daa-aan put my black bra?  I’m not sure if he dried it or not.  I got all the other laundry he did, it was all folded nice and neat, he’s such a good son.  But can you get me my bra.  I’m not sure where it is.

Um, yes.  Of course I know where it is as I have magical powers and they definitely extend to “sight” as we call it in my coven.  Where I can see things that are happening in my own home when I’m in a whole other part of the country, drinking my ass off – in fact I think the alcohol enhances my special abilities.  And why in God’s name do you need a bra now at 9pm when you’ve already been asleep for a couple of hours??

I told her I’d get back to her.

Monday, October 3, 2011

Days 3 and 4

Day 3 – the day of food

·         First Linda goes out to breakfast with a couple of people while I was a super lazy slug.  But when she comes back – she brought me this churo – well, she probably bought it for herself to enjoy later but instead she was kind enough to share it… well it was more like… OMG, you have to try this thing, it’s SOOOOOO good.  And boy was she right.  Holy cow, who knew those things could be so dang good!!
·         Then we went do lunch at pizzeria due or something like that – OMG – so so so so good and so so so so much fun.  I was there with such a wonderful group that were gracious enough to let me crash their fabulousness.  We had this Chicago style pesto pizza – I know there was some other stuff on there – not meat – but… seriously.  The. Best. Pizza. Ever.  Seriously!!  Did I mention this stuff was good!!  But wait there’s more.  Cuz in addition to the amazing company and the out of this world pizza we had Tonya as a waitress.  And man oh man did she fit right in with our insanity.  I would like to publically apologize to all the other patrons of the restaurant while we were in there – I’m pretty sure we were universally hated – but I swear it wasn’t our fault – Tonya made it just so damn fun!!!  The following are things of note from this one meal
o        Kung Fu Panda Bear – big, burly, cuddly manager who Tonya got us to call by that name – he promptly threatened to write her up or fire her – he was mostly kidding.  At the end of the night we got a totally fun man who was just walking down the street minding his own business to take our picture with Tonya and Kung Fu Panda Bear
o        Oh… the woman who led us to our table was named Shaquisha and Drazil and the rest of us took that as a good sign that her name was so close to Shaniqua
o        Shaquisha immediately called Stephanie a fashionista as she was looking all kinds of glamorous
o        Stephanie discovered later, however, that she is now thin enough to NOT NOTICE that she had forgotten to take off the skirt (a whole skirt people) she had been wearing earlier.  She had decided to put on jeans for lunch and she just pulled them up and somehow managed to tuck in the skirt she had been wearing right INSIDE her jeans along with her shirt.  Shaquisha would not have been impressed.
o        You know those little things that hang off the side of a table that create a hook that you can then hang your purse off of??  Well Brad got me one for Christmas with an M on it.  My last name starts with a W and I’m sure he thought it was a W and not an M and maybe even one of my kids picked it out, I don’t know, I wasn’t there, but as I wanted one, I was happy to get one – period.  But then, in some crazy gyration of mine I kicked my purse (without even knowing it) and the M thingy went flying.  Next thing I know a waiter is standing behind me saying – who’s Ms. M?  holding my purse holder thing in his hand.  Oh, that’s me, oops, thanks so much.  But then one of my lunch companions says “why is it an M?” and I said “it was a Christmas gift, and I held it upside-down and said it was supposed to be a W”.  Another person said “It’s the thought that counts.”  In her happy always positive voice.  And another responded “It’s not the thought, it’s that he fucks up over and over.”  Hmmmm, tell me how you really feel??
·         Then we headed to the sex shop to show Drazil what all the fuss is about.  I’m not sure we succeeded there – but a great effort was made – and I’m sure it’s just a matter of time.
·         Then… OMG… then we had pie.  We went to this famous Chicago pie company that Gilly had heard about on Foodnetwork - some such thing about a Fat Dead Elvis pie - or something crazy like that - well bummer of bummers they didn't have that particular flavor available when we got inside after waiting in the out the door line - but I ordered pumpkin cheesecake which I always like.  But people!! This pie was the best thing I've ever put in my mouth - and if you've followed me for any amount of time you know that's saying something.  I want to live in this pie.  Bathe in it - forget skittles people - it's their pie.  Phew.  Was it good for you?  Cuz it was really, really good for me.
  • Then we got back to the hotel and it was time to start to get ready for the big meat dinner.  I sort of accidentally fell asleep due to a food coma.  (I don't know why the bullets just started looking like this - but... eh)  We got all prettied up and went to an all you can eat brazilian meat place.  So much food!!! So much left on our plates!!! All so good though!!
  • Then, since we hadn't eaten enough we came back and had a pajama party in the lounge complete with ice cream.  Again - soooo much fun!!
Day 4 - sad good byes.

  • Bought Garrets popcorn and discovered the Chicago mix of cheese and caramel is, in fact, as good and addicting as everyone said it would be.
  • Got packed up
  • hugged the hell out of lots of people
  • had a fantastic lunch with most of my favorites (a few had already left so we raised a glass in their honor)
  • And headed home - sniff sniff.
I will do another post about my personal observations and will include pictures - but I'm not ready or organized enough to make that happen as of yet.

I will leave you with my overall impression - Best. Weekend. Ever.  So much fun, such wonderful people, All even better in person than you knew they'd be.  Stupid good food - how is anyone thin in Chicago?

Saturday, October 1, 2011

Chicago, Day 2

Bullet style...

  • We got up entirely too early for how late and how drunk we had gone to bed - but such is life.
  • Eventually the rest of the planning committee descended on our room with the rest of the stuff for the swag bags and in no time at all set up an efficient assembly line to fill the bags
  • All the door prizes they managed to con arrange some lovely sponsors into giving us were also carefully wrapped for presentation.
  • As I was in major recovery mode and not really fully able to function not involved I sat quietly on the couch and tried to write my Chicago day 1 post.  (I will not mention here that it took me quite a few hours to accomplish all that amazingness yestereday)
  • After they had gotten all their work done (and I'm telling you it took a few hours - we should be bowing down to these women whenever we pass them) it was decided that food was a priority and off we trudged to The Cheese**cake F@ctory where after sharing some appetizers a few women got some cheesecake.  As I had had an oreo shake with my lunch I abstained - I'm thinking that was a mistake as  I believe there were a few orgasms experienced right there in the booth during dinner.  I want to go back specifically to get what Gilly had!  Cuz... well...  I felt a little uncomfortable watching her eat it.  It seems a little too personal and intimate to share.
  • We stopped on the way back to the hotel for a little bit (and I do mean a very little bit) of shopping before the planners got their collective assess in gear again and got the food and liquor set up for the official meet and greet!  That was great fun, let me tell you!!  So lovely to get to see just about everyone all at once.  These woman are just as wonderful and even more beautiful in person than you expect them to be!
  • Then back to the karaoke bar - only this time with Tessie Rose.  Apparently it had been leaked that Tessie was coming because the bar was holy fucking packed.  A few drinks later and we hightailed it out of there, forming a protective ring around Tessie, and found a quieter bar in which to play.  So, fun to be able to just let your hair down, so to speak, with all these lovlies.  I'm pretty much planning on taking a state by state tour of the US to go and visit them all one by one.  
  • Then on the way back to the hotel - ok we were already in the hotel when Carmen came rushing in and it turns out there was a different group just coming in for a quick stop before heading out to a diner at 1am.  Well... of course I had to go!  I had the best time talking with Tina who when drunk is even more fun than normal!!
  • finally off to bed at about 2 - not too bad and am up and feeling damn human this morning