Why is it that I'm so screwed up in the head? I had my appointment last week and of coures he didn't want to give me a fill. Now, really, I've been a little on the fence about that anyway. I can certainly eat seemingly as much as I want to as long as I go slowly and chew well and it's not first thing in the morning. And 4oz of the most solid protein in the world doesn't keep me full for more than a couple of hours at the most; which I believe is no change from my pre-band days, but... I do think I don't eat as much solid protein as I should. I think I rely too heavily on things like cottage cheese and yogurt and maybe those things just prime the band really well?
When I went to the appointment I happened to be in the middle of the worst 'def-com level four million; nuclear addition' cramps that I've experienced in quite some time (and hope to not have again for many, many moons) and my brain was so far at the other end of sharp that there were little pin wheels in my eyes and cute little blue birds circling above my head as I tried to follow the simple conversations going on around me. As I can't take the big powerful drugs I have for just such occassions and still drive (or really function like a normal human) and the 50 million tylenol and advil weren't even thinking of touching what was going on inside me, I was left on my own and apparently I looked as bad as I felt as everyone I passed moved out of my way in case I was about to self destruct or something fun like that - or else I was just weaving and they figured I was drunk.
Anyhoo - he has a new form that you have to fill out about what you're eating and how you're exercising, but at the end you have to check a box - 'I do want a fill' or 'I don't want a fill'. Well even my adled brain knew checking the 'I do want a fill' box would seal my fate for not getting one as he's been nothing if not consistent in his saying black to my white every time we've ever spoken. But my poor not-straight-thinking-pinwheel-producing brain could not think myself out of that little riddle and I checked the box anyway and added a comment "very, very tiny". I'm not even going to go into the seriously stupid details of the ensuing conversation - probably because I can't remember 3/4 of them. But in the end he said no fill but reluctantly decided he should have a look through the x-ray and see what's going on in there and then decide if I needed a fill.
So (and here's where the title comes in) I left there feeling like a failure. I mean I knew I wasn't. But that's not how I felt, you know? And I didn't even have the frank 'can we work together or not' conversation I was thinking about. I figured I shouldn't muddy the waters until the x-ray thing happened (and seriously I couldn't have thought my way out of a paper bag that day). But I left there thinking I failed at getting a fill (which I wasn't even 100% sure I wanted) and failing to have the conversation (which I didn't think was a good idea given the circumstances). And it took me a couple of days to shake that off. I had a great rest of the week, eating wise. I'm really trying to eat more solid protein and see what that does for me. They didn't think they could schedule the x-ray thing until May 5th which is the day before I'm leaving for Jazz Fest where there is lots of yummy crawfish to be eaten and while initially I said that was okay over the weekend I decided I was going to tell them I couldn't do it then. I don't want to go to New Orleans and not be able to at least eat crawfish. We'll just schedule it for after I get back and in the mean time I'll try to stay away from cottage cheese and yogurt and I already know I can't eat salads without then being able to (and wanting to) eat an entire cow - and we'll see what we see. And then he'll see what he sees and it'll be a good thing to know what's going on inside there (not that I think anything at all is wrong) but still good to see.
So I'm all calm and feel good about the month or so ahead and good about my decisions about eating and the rescheduling of appointments and then his office calls today to tell me they scheduled extra time in the lab at the hospital so my appointment for the looksee is at 8am on Thursday. (the nurse had told me it was a possibility that they might try to schedule it earlier as he often doesn't like people to wait so long and he was going to be out of town in there somewhere and his next already scheduled lab time wasn't until May 5th - but I didn't think he'd classify me as a "we must get this done quickly" kind of patient so I didn't think it would really happen). So - of course the upside is - he'll see whatever he sees and he'll give me or not give me a fill based on that and it's not right before I'm getting on a plane, but of coures my first reaction is ... OMG, I'm not ready!!! I panic a little. What the hell for. There is no difference between going in last Wednesday and possibly getting a fill and going in on this Thursday and possibly getting a fill - right? Why is it that my brain is so screwed up sometimes?
I really was going to make this a post full of bullets about "Why is it" things. Like why is it they don't cancel kids' soccer games when it's 39 degrees with driving rain and a strong wind (the windchill was probably near freezing)??
Why is it that Jackson gets a sudden onset fever right before his baseball game so I have to miss Teddy's baseball game where he pitches 2 shut out innings and finally stays in the box and hits a couple of balls after being dead afraid of the ball this whole season?
Why is it that there is still underwear taped to Jackson's ceiling? You'd think there'd be a concerned parent who might do something about that instead of chuckling every time she passed his room.
Why is it that I'm still getting a few spam emails a week since I took off my word verification thingy??