Sunday, April 17, 2011

Strong vs. Impervious

I'm sitting here watching Bones from about a month ago and Bones just succinctly summed up my life.  I'm sort of stunned at the moment, but she got it perfectly.  Perhaps this is why Ive always liked her so much??  Bones and Booth are talking about the possibility of one day being together;

Bones: I am improving.  I am quite strong.
Booth: Yeah, well you've always been quite strong.
Bones: You know the difference between strength and imperviousness, right? ... A substance that is impervious to damage doesn't need to be strong.  When you and I met I was an impervious substance, now I am a strong substance. ... A time could come when you aren't angry anymore and I'm strong enough to risk losing the last of my imperviousness, maybe then we could try to be together.

I've been working on something - being more present, more in-touch, more touchable for a while now - years really.  I've made great strides in this but I've recently been thinking about what's different.  I mean I always seemed strong.. well it's more that the persona that I used to be is not all that different than the person I am now, only now it's honest.  Now, it is me.  The difference internally though, is quite profound.  I was always such a facade.  There was nothing else - I spent all my time and energy surviving from one interaction to the next.  Always second guessing whether I did that one right or would screw up the next one.  I was the consummate actor and could be whatever anyone needed in a given situation - as long as what was needed didn't draw too much actual attention.  Just enough to make people think they'd seen and spoken to me - not enough for them to actually see and speak to me.  I'm sure this makes no sense whatsoever to anyone but me - but - I'm just so damn struck by what Bones said.

I was absolutely impervious.

1.  not permitting penetration or passage; impenetrable: The coat is impervious torain.
2.  incapable of being injured or impaired: impervious to wear and tear.
3.  incapable of being influenced, persuaded, or affected: impervious to reason; impervious to another's suffering

I  - the real me - was completely untouchable.  I went through the motions.  I did things, I went to parties, I had plenty of meaningless yet fun sex.  I had friends.  But none of it was real.  I kept it all on the surface - I was a great listener and a phenomenal distracter if the spotlight seemed to move towards me.  There was always an excuse not to really talk about me - the real stuff anyway.  I didn't let anyone near me.  (of course somewhere in there I met Brad and he somehow found a chink in the armor and I recognized him because of that - and no, I don't know what to make of that).  But anyone who knew me then would have described me as strong and in charge and fully engaged and I so completely and utterly wasn't.  And now.. I think people would likely describe me similarly but the difference is huge.  And I've been trying to understand what that really means - how it could be so different and yet not seem that way.  And it's this whole imperviousness thing.  "A substance that is impervious doesn't need to be strong"  I was so not strong then - but I'm so much closer to being strong now.  Hell, I'll own it - I am strong.  But I don't think I'm quite strong enough to risk losing the rest of my imperviousness yet.  But it's coming, and I can wait.  

I don't know what's going to happen next.  I don't know what my future is going to look like - but I know I'm strong enough to face it. (I think).


Dizzy Girl said...

Great great post Read. As I was reading, I was thinking about myself and what this means to me.

Hey- btw, how do I take off the word thing again? i can't find that post where you told me how to do it. :)



Dawnya said...

I love this post. It is amazing how a song, a tv show, or the ending of a movie can make us take stock of our lives and see how far we have come or how far we need to go.

I'm so glad you are stronger.

Justawallflower said...

I so get what your talking about here! For years I pretended to be strong, and was actually the go to girl for others because of that perception. I don't know that I'm quite there yet for real, but I DO get what your talking about!

Sam said...

I am sure this is the reason why these shows are just so great. They really get us thinking at times and I fully understand what you mean, I too was hiding.

Beth Ann said...

Great post! And Amen! I was the exact same way. I'm not even sure that people think of me as strong now as they did then, but the fact is I'm WAY stronger. Glad you are too, girlie!