Friday, April 15, 2011

Things a mother should never see...

OMG – I’ve been scarred for life.  Seriously people.  Last night my 12 year old son goes into my bathroom to take a shower.  (Okay as I’m typing this – I realize it is absolutely not as bad as it could have been – not by a long shot – but still… I swear I’m scarred).  After about 30 seconds there is a loud bang.  But it’s not followed by a crash or a yell, so eh.  He’s 12 he can handle himself pretty well.  But then there’s another bang.  And then another.  I storm down the hall, “What the hell are you doing in there?  He’d only been in there less than a minute when the banging started and he notoriously takes 20 minutes before he’s actually ready to get in the shower so it didn’t even cross my mind that he’d had enough time to strip much less that he’d actually do it (he’s a serious procrastinator about everydamnthing).  I threw open the door and there is my cute little boy standing there in all his glory and… Oh holy hell.  He’s got hair in places that he didn’t used to have hair. 

Just the other day I was commenting on the hair on his legs that is now dark and very course and telling him I was very unhappy about this.  But secretly I wasn’t all that freaked by it (I kept myself in denial a while longer) as he has no underarm hair.  But… underarm or no – his junk is now planted in a thick undergrowth and it took everything I have in me as a mom not to absolutely scream “Oh holy shit, your dick is all hairy.”  I managed to look him in the eye as he did his best to cover himself.

The banging???  He was trying to close the linen closet door… unsuccessfully.  He’s such a smart boy, I swear.  But he has the common sense of a pea… Maybe.  The door has two towel hooks – the kind that fit over the top of the door – and one of them was crooked.  I pulled it straight and closed the door.  He said.  “yeah, I guess I’m not the best at deductive reasoning.”  I just ran away and threw up a little in my mouth at the horror I’d seen.  I immediately told Camille who I’d been IMing with and she was appropriately horrified on my behalf.  Which of course led to her thoughts of future hair on her young daughters and this caused its own new round of horror.  But then… I told my husband.  And do you know what that rat bastard did?  He laughed his ass off.  He couldn’t breathe for a few minutes because he was laughing so hard.

Me: But honey, I’m scarred for life

Him: It’s only fair, we’ve scarred him.  He’s just returning the favor.

(Teddy once walked in on us while I was giving Brad a blow job.  We were situated in such a way that I was standing and my back was fully to Ted and I was thus blocking what was going on – he only really knows that I was very closely examining something in that general region – at the time Ted was too young to know what we were doing but we thought that at some point in the future, like when he’s 14 or 15 he’s going to get a flashback of that scene and be able to put all the pieces together. – and then he’s going to run away from home.)

Oh dear God.

10 comments:

Jen said...

I'm scarred for you! Same type of thing happened to me with my youngest. (She's 12)
It happens WAAAAY too soon.
What the hell are they putting in the milk nowadays? Amiright? Jesus!

Heather said...

Oh how I pity you today. That sight will be burned in your memory and be the last thing you see before you close your eyes tonight!

My 11 year old called mr on the cell phone a couple of years ago to tell me that we needed to buy cream cheese for his bagel then he added "and you need to tell Tyler to shave his penis". Of course I was driving at that point and I immediately pulled over and asked him to repeat himself so I could be sure what he said. "yeah mom You really need to tell Tyler to shave his penis. I went into his room and pulled off the covers and he didn't have any clothes on and mom, that thing looks NASTY!". I thought I was going lose my breakfast! Oh the joys of multiple boys! Just had to share my story too!

Dawnya said...

This is hilarious!! I can't stop laughing...I can't help it. I have two boys...so I'm sure this will occur in my future. LOL

BTW...my 2 y/o daughter already has hairy legs.

Theresa aka Tessie Rose said...

I think you're definitely even now...for the close examination moment of the past!

Justawallflower said...

Thank u so much for that! U brought tears to my eyes, and now I'm going home and reading it to my husband!

Amanda Kiska said...

I recently had occassion to view my 10-year-old daughter's nether-region and noticed she was sprouting tiny pubic hairs. I then came across the juicy tidbit that most girls start their period within 6-12 months of the on-set of developing pubes. Oh, HOLY hell! Why don't we all rent a big house at the beach and lets their dads raise them until puberty is over and they become "normal" again?

Island Bandit said...

i am crying i'm laughing so hard. i mean i should be comisserating given your being scarred and all... but good lord that is some funny stuff!!!!

Tina said...

Oh dear this is just the desensitizing phase. It will likely get much worse and much more scarring before they leave home. I have 3 adult daughters...I have seen hair and gotten advice about hair. stashed condoms and taken them to planned parenthood for birth control appointments. With boys I can imagine MUCH worse...well mostly because I am a girl but hey...I have friends with boys and they talk.

good luck!! xxxooo

Gilly said...

My son is a)10 and b) a nudist. And fills me in pretty much daily on the hair situation down there. I'm the luckiest mom in the whole world!

Beth Ann said...

Y'all need some locks in that house!! ;) Thank you for the laugh though, seriously. Scarring for you, hi-larity for me!