The ipad as crack, funky servers, and starvation recovery

I've been totally absent and that's never good for me.  Here's a few things to catch up.

The ipad as crack
It's an amazing thing.  I'm sure that's true, though I don't know this from first hand experience.  I got Brad one for his birthday.  It was a great present because he wanted one so badly and he thought I was goign to put up a real fight about it.  The problem is its crack-like properties.  It's only been in the house for a week and already all three males are completely addicted.  As an example Jackson comes into my room at 6am this morning.  Brad and I were still sleeping.  He marches over to my side of the bed (cuz he's nobody's fool and knows not to poke the sleeping bear on the other side of the bed) and immediately starts whining.
Jack: Mo-om, Teddy got up at 4 and has been playing the ipad the whole time don't you think it should be my turn now?
Me: uh... what?
Jack: It's not fair.  He set his alarm for 4 and he's been playing this whole time.  (let me break in here and say it normally takes an act of congress to get Teddy out of bed)
Me: I'm sleeping here, is it fair that you just came in and woke me because you want to play a video game?
He left with his tail between his legs because as I said - he's no fool.

But... this isn't the first time.  Clearly I am the fool as it's taken me this long to think about doing something about this powerful drug in our home.  Earlier this week, they both together slammed into my room looking for the damn thing (again this means that Teddy was up before anyone bodily pulled him from the bed) waking me before they slammed out again.  There's been constant whining and fighting about the need to get their fix - even Brad has gotten in on it. 

Of course here's the best part.... Teddy gets up at 4am this morning and discovers his eye all gunked up and uncomfortable, what does my very bright boy (who's now taller than me by the way) do???  He wipes it off and desparately makes his way to get his fix on.  Phew, that was close.  He gets his soccer game up and he's finally able to get the shakes under control, even if he can't completely see the screen.  Does he mention his eye problems to his parents this morning? No.  No he does not.  Does he think about possibly spreading whatever he's got that caused said gunk?  No he does not.  So he happily heads off to school high on the soccer game and hands over the ipad to his brother (who's not doing his homework by the way!!) who happily gets his shakes under control with Angry Birds.  Teddy gets to school and realizes his eye is really still bothering him.  So... now our brain trust tells his teacher - I think I've got pink eye.  He was home within the hour.  After Jackson got his fix on and Brad got his as well.  My hypocondriac husband immediately complained of eye problems. 

Our CFO is gone
He's in Ireland for two weeks where his son is studying abroad.  I'm so thrilled for him I can't stand it.  While he's gone, of course, I take care of whatever he might have handled.  This wouldn't be a problem if he wasn't also our IT Manager.  He just happens to have a personal affinity for it and we are lucky to have someone so capable of wearing two such distinct hats.  I've been the number two IT person for years and for the most part have the company fooled about my abilities.  I can talk a good game and know who to call who can walk me through whatever needs to be handled - but the reality is - I'm mostly freakin clueless.

Normally things run very smoothly and and I'm just making sure the back ups work properly.  No biggie.  Yeah, well in these two weeks we've had 4 seperate servers go down, been attacked by man eating viruses, had to shut part of or the whole system down multiple times, had two computers have to be taken out of the building to be repaired or rebuilt and about a million other things that I can't remember at the moment.  Any thought of doing any part of my job was killed very early last week.  I've met every single employee of our outside IT consultant firm; I'm hosting a happy hour tonight.

Oh and now the President has gone away for two days.  Yippee... Seriously.  And today is monthend.  What am I doing?  Am I doing one of the million things that I need to get done before I leave tonight??  Uh that would be a no - I'm blogging.  Cuz, as I've previously pointed out - I'm a fool.

Emerging from starvation
Dramatic much?  So - I couldn't eat for a week or so when I was overfilled.  And then miraculously I could eat.  And let me tell you I have been taking full advantage of that fact.  I have been eating like there is no tomorrow, with seemingly no ability to rein myself in.  For the first several days I swear it was like my band was wide opened.  I know it's all on me - but there was not the slightest peep out of that little thing.  I went from not being able to drink anything thicker than water most days to being able to eat truly anything that I tried.  I swear I could hear Gilly's voice in my head warning me not to eat more than 1 cup of anything and that is probably the only thing that saved my band from literally being blow right out of my body.  I can't say I always managed to follow that advice - but there's no doubt I at least took some breaks in my gluttony.  It took until last night for my brain to really kick in.  I was shopping and was able to fit into cute clothes and I even tried on a size 1X shirt because it was clingy and cute so I thought it might be good on me.  Uh.. it looked completely ridiculous - way, way too big, like a cute green potato sack.  It was a lovely thing to look so stupid in that size.

I hope all is well with everyone and I look forward to being more connected!!

BYOC!!! Bring Your Own Crazy!!

First off... Followers.  Oh. My. God.  I have 133.  I can't believe that and I can't tell you how much I appreciate the love and support I get from all of you.  Though the flip side of that is I lost another follower, I used to have 134.  Boo Hoo.  But seriously - fuck 'em - obviously they are missing out on the party.

Okay on to BYOC - I know I need some fun after my last week of starvation - I can't tell you how fantastic my mood is and it's all because I had some potatoes last night and some chai latte this morning!!!  OMG!!!  What a difference some food can make.

Post on your own blog if you wish and ENJOY!

1. In the spirit of Easter – tell me – what is your all time favorite Easter candy?

Definitely Reese's peanut butter eggs.  They are the perfect candy - the proportions of chocolate to peanut butter is sheer perfection!!!

  

2. What is your Zodiac sign?

I'm a Taurus and I've been told I'm a pretty damn typical taurus - stubborn as hell.

3. Are you holding on to something you should let go of?

I'm sure I am, aren't we all - or we wouldn't have this extra weight, right? (well okay I speak for me and my extra weight).  As a previously impervious substance I really wasn't able to identify things that I might be holding on to as I really didn't let things touch me - though I suspect it was touching me on some level.  As a currently strong substance I can see what I've got and I'm doing a pretty damn good job of letting stuff go.  It's still a really hard balancing act for me though, as I really struggle with what things are important - feeling wise - and what things aren't.  I absolutely need some remedial training in the feelings department.  I've gotten as far as - I think they're good things to have.  I think they are big deals.  But - when I have feelings about my husband or sister or other important people in my life - it's very hard for me to know what to do about them.  Is this the kind of thing that's really important and I should be listening to and making decisions about - or is this the kind of thing that's a sign that we need to deal with soemthing - or is this the kind of thing that I should just shrug off because it's just not that big a deal.  Perhaps in Chicago we could have Remedial emotions 101.  I'll bring the vodka.

4. What are three “nevers” you follow in your life?

Jesus God, Draz!!!

Nevers?  Man this has me totally stumped.

-Never tell a lie you care if you get caught in
-Never make big sweeping decisions when you are full of powerful emotions (or powerful hormones) that could effect said decisions
-Never burn bridges that you could possible need at some point in the future


5. Repeat question: Summarize your week in blog land and in real life.

Real life - well holy shit - I didn't know how miserable I was until I could eat again.  I kept thinking it would get better, but oh my God.  I just ate the rest of my chicken salad paste and it was just miraculous to be able to just eat a spoonful and not worry that I was going to throw it up.  I had chai latte this morning - that has milk in it and it was morning - who knew being able to start your day off with a yummy warm liquid could make such a huge difference in the quality of your life? 

In Blogland - I've been so consumed with my starvation diet that I wasn't a very good blogger friend.  I read a few posts and I commented a few times, but I have a lot to catch up on!!  Your support, however, during this past week has been just flat out amazing.  I can't tell you how much I appreciate it!!  Thank you very, very, much.

Sweet Relief and unnecessary blow jobs

After quite a few calls I was finally able to get in for an unfill today.  Before I even got in there I’m talking to the nurse and she’s asking me how it’s been and what I’ve been eating and I tell her how last night after only managing to get in 4oz of my patent pending chicken salad paste throughout the entire day, I had some ice cream at night.  (At the time I was thinking… man I need some calories in me or I’m going to not be able to do a damn thing tomorrow – as I have very recent experience with too many days in a row with not enough calories).  The point to my story to the nurse was – I threw up the ice cream.  Now seriously folks – you know you’re tight when you can’t even eat fucking ice cream.  It didn’t even have any kind of chunks in it.  Do you know what this woman had the gall to say to me???  “Now, Read, what are you doing eating ice cream?”

Oh for fuck’s sake!!  What?  Now that I have a band I can’t eat ice cream?? And of course this is after she’s just recorded a 7lb loss since the last time I was in the office.  I calmly explained about the calories and whatnot and she was somewhat appeased. 

When Dr. Do-little finally came in he seemed completely perplexed at my need as he said – watching the fluid go down my band it was clear I had plenty of room for more fluid, thus his initial intention to give me 1.5cc, though I had talked him down to only .5cc.  Luckily I had had sufficient time to build up a solid body of evidence that I indeed had done what I should have done and I was still, despite his superior knowledge of how the band works inside my body, too tight. 

I told him I was hopeful he’d do what he did last time and take out half of what he’d put in.  He got me up on the bed thingy and I asked him how much he was going to take out, a quarter of a cc??  And he said – well, I can only really take out a half a cc because any less…. (and he trailed off.)  I said – would you try to take out only a quarter???  (looking hopeful and willing to give him a blow job at the same time).  He said he’d try.

I didn’t say another word – completely confident that what he’d not said was that anything less than a half a cc was stupid.  I figured if I had that conversation with him before he took any out, there was no way he’d do less than the half a cc.  He said he took out a little more than a quarter of a cc (I’m guessing my willing to give a blow job look totally worked).

So then I asked him.. So, you only work in increments of a half a cc?  Yeah, really to do anything smaller than that has absolutely no effect.  OMG – that makes no sense on so very many different levels I didn’t even have a response.  Well finally I said – I have quite a few successfully banded friends (that would be all of  you guys) who would strongly disagree.  He scoffed.  He really did.  An actual scoff.  He said a .1cc adjustment on a large volume, low resistance band such as I had would make no actual difference.  It’s impossible.  The only difference it could make would be in your head.  I said – don’t discount the difference in your head, ever heard of a placebo?  So to all you out there who have said that a .1, .2, .3, or .4cc adjustment has been just the trick - clearly you are insane.  You don't know your body at all and it's all just been in your head.  Aren't you glad you know that now?  Phew!

But seriously people.  Who decided 5cc was the smallest amount that would work (no I don’t for a second think he’s right – this is some of the fruitless conversation I had with him in my head)  And what was the tipping point.  Um .1cc, nope that didn’t do a thing, .2cc – nope.  .3cc – nope, .4cc – nope, .5cc – okay, yup there we have it – a measurable difference.  Measurable to whom?  Has he ever heard of physics?  Okay but seriously that was the breaking point for me.  Not the blow jobs I’ve had to give him, or the souls I’ve lost along the way.  Or the meaningful way I lick his shoes.  It was the utter belief he had that anything less than .5cc was useless. 

I mean let’s just look at me in the last week, shall we.  .5cc ago I could eat a small cow, the fluid just flew down my band as he saw.  But add the .5cc and I often had trouble swallowing my own spit.  But apparently there’s nothing in the middle.  It’s either the small cow or the no swallowing period.  Swallowing – that’s really the only reason he took any out at all.  He likes that I swallow.  It makes explaining what we do behind closed doors much easier when there’s no thick and gloppy evidence left lying about.

I think the nurses “What are you doing eating ice cream” comment didn’t help much either. 

The end result of course is that – oh sweet Jesus.  I can swallow again.  I had only managed 16 oz of water by 3pm and nothing else at all so as soon as I got to my car I drank a Special K protein shake down (slowly, being careful).  Thank the heavenly lord above – no issues.  Then I even stopped at Chick-fil-a and got a small cookies and cream milk shake – Yummo!  Yup, I am drinking a fucking milk shake and am damn happy I am.  Did I mention I threw up ice cream, ice cream for God’s sake, last night?

Now I no longer feel all hollowed out and I won’t have to perform any more unnecessary blow jobs. 

Too tight???, chicken paste, and an NSV

So.... I called my doctor's office this morning to report being too tight.  Well, let me back track a bit with a quick trip down memory lane.

Thursday - the day of the fill - I probably managed to get 10oz of water to stay down.  I threw plenty of it up along the way and first learned all about being the foam machine I'd previously only heard of.

Friday - I got about 30oz of water in, including some protein powder mixed in there, but probably ended the day with less than 200 calories. (which was way more than Thursday)  Found warm water was more doable than cold.  Still plenty of throwing up along the way.

Saturday - I created a priority list - vitamins first, protein 2nd, calories 3rd.  I got the vitamins in and much more protein and liquid - I probably got close to 64oz of liquid and it included some milk or milk based protein shakes (which were not an option on the previous two days) and even managed to get close to 500 calories in.  No getting sick.

Sunday - I was much better.  I was so drained on Saturday that I was really concentrating on calories.  I made this totally caloric chocolate peanut butter protein shake - yumm!!  And that soooo helped!  And then I was able to have some soup and some soupy mashed potatoes.  It actually felt like I could have had more, but I was too afraid to try.  No getting sick and I totally had way more calories than I would normally eat in a day - but that was an easy peasy choice as I felt human for the first time in days!!

So - I call the doctor and leave a message and the nurse calls me back - I tell her I think I'm too tight and this is why - I go on to describe in detail what I've laid out above and to my utter shock she said - well... you're not throwing up liquids anymore - maybe that prolonged your inflammation, let's wait and see how you do over the next day or so.  We'll have to decide soon though as the doctor is away next week.  I told her in no uncertain terms that only being able to eat soupy mashed potatoes was not how I wanted to live my life, but ultimately I was totally game to give it a try - I figured the worst that could happen is I'd lose a little more weight.  Or maybe I'd find I this is okay - either way I'll call back tomorrow or Wednesday and make a decision - I'm confident they'll take some out if I want - hell I can always tell them I'm throwing up water again.

So today - I found I couldn't really eat yogurt all that well.  Though if I'm honest, I've had issues with yogurt for a long while.  I can always get it down, but if I'm not careful it can cause discomfort.  I've always assumed it was just cuz yogurt is so thick and likely to coat everything.  But - OH HOLY HELL I am so not hungry.  Like seriously not hungry at all.  It's completely fascinating.

I was swamped at work today so that was probably part of it - but it came as a total shock at about 2:30 when my stomach growled.  I'd had a chai latte (which I had no problems getting down) in the morning and that was it.  So I opened my chobani yogurt and I threw the last quarter of the thing away at the end of the day.  But - once I got a few bites in me, my stomach was fine and I never "felt" hungry - or rather - "thought" I was hungry.  I got home - completely determined to get enough liquid, protein and calories in me because obviously that is so not enough.  And I made some chicken salad that I wanted to make mushier than normal... uh... I sort of ended up making chicken paste.  I swear it tastes good and it was easy to eat - much, much easier than the yogurt.  So tomorrow I'm going to try different things that are not yogurt and see where I am.  I'll absolutely have to try something solid cuz I have no interest whatsoever in only living on protein shakes and chicken paste - but, I'm encouraged by how easy the chicken shit was to eat.

I'm still thinking I'll be getting the unfill - but maybe I'll try to convince him on a smaller amount than I was originally thinking.  This not being hungry thing - that's damn cool!!

Oh - and on the scale front - I gained 2 lbs from Sunday morning to Monday morning and I still lost 7.2 lbs from last Monday to this Monday.  I'm not sure I'd recommend the starvation diet to anyone - but it certainly produced results.  I've only updated my ticker to reflect the loss before the fill - I figured I should wait and see how the rest all shakes out.

And finally a little NSV.  I'm going to NOLA for JazzFest in a couple of weeks or so and I've been trying on shorts and tops to see what will work on this year's body vs. last year's.  And today I put on a pair of shorts that I thought were super cute last year and when I ran down the steps...  they fell down.  Oops.  I guess I won't be bringing them down south.

Strong vs. Impervious

I'm sitting here watching Bones from about a month ago and Bones just succinctly summed up my life.  I'm sort of stunned at the moment, but she got it perfectly.  Perhaps this is why Ive always liked her so much??  Bones and Booth are talking about the possibility of one day being together;

Bones: I am improving.  I am quite strong.
Booth: Yeah, well you've always been quite strong.
Bones: You know the difference between strength and imperviousness, right? ... A substance that is impervious to damage doesn't need to be strong.  When you and I met I was an impervious substance, now I am a strong substance. ... A time could come when you aren't angry anymore and I'm strong enough to risk losing the last of my imperviousness, maybe then we could try to be together.

I've been working on something - being more present, more in-touch, more touchable for a while now - years really.  I've made great strides in this but I've recently been thinking about what's different.  I mean I always seemed strong.. well it's more that the persona that I used to be is not all that different than the person I am now, only now it's honest.  Now, it is me.  The difference internally though, is quite profound.  I was always such a facade.  There was nothing else - I spent all my time and energy surviving from one interaction to the next.  Always second guessing whether I did that one right or would screw up the next one.  I was the consummate actor and could be whatever anyone needed in a given situation - as long as what was needed didn't draw too much actual attention.  Just enough to make people think they'd seen and spoken to me - not enough for them to actually see and speak to me.  I'm sure this makes no sense whatsoever to anyone but me - but - I'm just so damn struck by what Bones said.

I was absolutely impervious.

Impervious: 

1.  not permitting penetration or passage; impenetrable: The coat is impervious torain.

2.  incapable of being injured or impaired: impervious to wear and tear.

3.  incapable of being influenced, persuaded, or affected: impervious to reason; impervious to another's suffering

I  - the real me - was completely untouchable.  I went through the motions.  I did things, I went to parties, I had plenty of meaningless yet fun sex.  I had friends.  But none of it was real.  I kept it all on the surface - I was a great listener and a phenomenal distracter if the spotlight seemed to move towards me.  There was always an excuse not to really talk about me - the real stuff anyway.  I didn't let anyone near me.  (of course somewhere in there I met Brad and he somehow found a chink in the armor and I recognized him because of that - and no, I don't know what to make of that).  But anyone who knew me then would have described me as strong and in charge and fully engaged and I so completely and utterly wasn't.  And now.. I think people would likely describe me similarly but the difference is huge.  And I've been trying to understand what that really means - how it could be so different and yet not seem that way.  And it's this whole imperviousness thing.  "A substance that is impervious doesn't need to be strong"  I was so not strong then - but I'm so much closer to being strong now.  Hell, I'll own it - I am strong.  But I don't think I'm quite strong enough to risk losing the rest of my imperviousness yet.  But it's coming, and I can wait.  

I don't know what's going to happen next.  I don't know what my future is going to look like - but I know I'm strong enough to face it. (I think).

Who knew how important water was????

Not just to, you know, sustain life and all – but to your general mood.  On Thursday, the day of my fill, after working diligently all day long at getting in enough liquid – right through to 1am, I managed to get in probably 10-12 oz.  And man was I feeling it.  My head hurt, my mouth was uncomfortably dry, and my lips were chapped.  And this was one frickin day.  My mood sucked too.  Frankly I was frightened that I had made a mistake by not calling the doctor on Thursday since I knew that meant I couldn’t call him until Monday.  

But then today I managed to finish a 16 oz bottle of water by 10:30am.  It did have to be warm water – but warm was definitely an easy trade off for me!  I can’t tell you how frickin excited I was by this.  It’s the little things in life, isn't it?  The fact that it was morning and I was able to consume anything gave me hope that food will one day be an option too – LOL.

Of course, at best I got another 16 oz in throughout the rest of the day.  Not much protein at all, but I'm no longer dying of thirst which is a good thing.  I have truly no idea whether this is still some residual inflammation as I always do 2 days of liquids and 2 days of mushies after a fill so I've never pushed it to see.  But there's no doubt I'm definitely tighter than I've ever been and if it keeps feeling like this - this is not sustainable.  Every single time I drink something I burp a little (well unless I don't which means it's coming back up).  And every single time I burp I say, out loud, 'thank you' to the burping gods for keeping things moving.  I tried to drink some chai latte at about 1 and while it didn't come back up - I had to give up trying after a couple of ounces.  It was just taking way too much concentration.  Later some water with protein powder and vitamins did come back up a little, but I was eventually able to start sipping again.  I even managed to get 1/2 of a milk based protein shake down this evening.  I lost 2.2 lbs yesterday and I expect there'll be another loss recorded tomorrow morning. 

There's no way I could have even thought about anything thicker or harder than milk today so I'm thinking this weekend may very well end up all liquids - but here's hoping I can move up to... pudding, or soupy mashed potatoes or even soup.


I hate hate hate the idea of having to go back to idiot boy to justify an unfill so I'm really hoping that this is just residual inflammation and tomorrow will be a little better just like today was a little better.  The upside, of course, is this quick weight loss surge has brought me to my lowest point in about four years and it's right here at the end of the spring challenge; so that's a nice little happenstance.

Things a mother should never see...

OMG – I’ve been scarred for life.  Seriously people.  Last night my 12 year old son goes into my bathroom to take a shower.  (Okay as I’m typing this – I realize it is absolutely not as bad as it could have been – not by a long shot – but still… I swear I’m scarred).  After about 30 seconds there is a loud bang.  But it’s not followed by a crash or a yell, so eh.  He’s 12 he can handle himself pretty well.  But then there’s another bang.  And then another.  I storm down the hall, “What the hell are you doing in there?  He’d only been in there less than a minute when the banging started and he notoriously takes 20 minutes before he’s actually ready to get in the shower so it didn’t even cross my mind that he’d had enough time to strip much less that he’d actually do it (he’s a serious procrastinator about everydamnthing).  I threw open the door and there is my cute little boy standing there in all his glory and… Oh holy hell.  He’s got hair in places that he didn’t used to have hair. 

Just the other day I was commenting on the hair on his legs that is now dark and very course and telling him I was very unhappy about this.  But secretly I wasn’t all that freaked by it (I kept myself in denial a while longer) as he has no underarm hair.  But… underarm or no – his junk is now planted in a thick undergrowth and it took everything I have in me as a mom not to absolutely scream “Oh holy shit, your dick is all hairy.”  I managed to look him in the eye as he did his best to cover himself.

The banging???  He was trying to close the linen closet door… unsuccessfully.  He’s such a smart boy, I swear.  But he has the common sense of a pea… Maybe.  The door has two towel hooks – the kind that fit over the top of the door – and one of them was crooked.  I pulled it straight and closed the door.  He said.  “yeah, I guess I’m not the best at deductive reasoning.”  I just ran away and threw up a little in my mouth at the horror I’d seen.  I immediately told Camille who I’d been IMing with and she was appropriately horrified on my behalf.  Which of course led to her thoughts of future hair on her young daughters and this caused its own new round of horror.  But then… I told my husband.  And do you know what that rat bastard did?  He laughed his ass off.  He couldn’t breathe for a few minutes because he was laughing so hard.

Me: But honey, I’m scarred for life

Him: It’s only fair, we’ve scarred him.  He’s just returning the favor.

(Teddy once walked in on us while I was giving Brad a blow job.  We were situated in such a way that I was standing and my back was fully to Ted and I was thus blocking what was going on – he only really knows that I was very closely examining something in that general region – at the time Ted was too young to know what we were doing but we thought that at some point in the future, like when he’s 14 or 15 he’s going to get a flashback of that scene and be able to put all the pieces together. – and then he’s going to run away from home.)

Oh dear God.

Do you ever feel like a foam machine?

I was going to title this “Fluoro is fun” and it was, but… the foam machine is making so much noise I figured it was fighting for its place in the spotlight.

I went and got the fluoroscopy today and that was fun.  The band looks good and everything is right where it should be.  They had me take a little sip and we all watched it go down; it hesitated for a second then flew through the band.  The doctor said – “Yep, that’s all I need to see.  Let’s get you a fill.”

Up on the table I go while he prepares his stuff and the tech gets the machines ready to see what’s going on there.  I asked him what he was planning on giving me since he was so quick to want to give me one.  Can you guess what he said??  “1.5cc”  um, what!!?? Are you on crack?  “Nooooo!”  He just looked over at me like I was insane.  “How about .5cc”  Jesus you were so clear that there’s no way you’d give me as much as .5cc since I was throwing up water at that fill level and had to have some removed.  I’ve been feeling much more like I have room for a fill this time then when I went in for one last time and so I thought the whole ½ cc would be okay and told him so.  He gave it to me and that was that.  He only used the machines to… well I’m not exactly sure why – he took a picture with the needle in there.  I was expecting he’d do the fill and maybe have me drink again so we could see what the fill looks like in there – but no, he gave me some water and that seemed to be okay and sent on my way. 

Well, now it’s four hours later and I can’t really keep water down.  I’ve foamed up (who knew that was a verb?) first a few sips of latte (I shouldn’t have started there) and then the little bit of water I’ve tried.  Some stays down, but not all. So I’m sitting here trying to decide if this is really a problem or not.  It could be that there is some extra inflammation down there from the fill itself and it’ll right itself in a day or two or maybe it’s really just too tight.   I seemed to be able to swallow fine in the hospital this morning, though I only tried a few sips.  And I had a few sips of latte on the way to work and that seemed to go down – it was very slow, but it went.  But here at work… not so much.

I’m happy to wait and see, but the problem is – he has does surgeries on Fridays so I couldn’t get him tomorrow or throughout the weekend.  But... even as I’m typing this – I’m IMing with my friend Camille who’s had a band for many years (and who’s mom is the patient coordination director for Dr. Rumbaut, the lap band doctor in Mexico that a lot of people use).and she suggested trying Maalox or Mylanta or something like that to see if that helps calm things down – and I chewed one – in small, small bits – not thinking it would stay down – and it did.  So maybe it’ll be okay afterall…. We’ll see.

But seriously!  Can you believe he wanted to give me another 1.5cc.  I can not follow his logic no matter how hard I try.  I am at a loss as to why he’s the go to guy around here?  He must be a hell of a surgeon, but that’s all he is - it stops there.

A Ricky sighting, A Jack funny, and Chicago...

• So this email pops up to me at work from…. Duh duh duh.. "Rosemary Lastname".  Hey guys it’s Ricky!  (my MIL)  I'm so excited!!!  But wait – there’s no way in hell Ricky knows what email is, much less how to send one.  This has got to be a cruel joke.  I click on it, only to see that the address is actually Brad’s and the message is “I am having some google issues this morning.  What name comes through on this email?”

         So, you’re what?  Channeling your mom this morning???

• While going through last year’s school papers, Brad comes across a paper from Jackson from third grade.

         The question was: How would you cook a turkey?

         Jack’s answer: I’d tell him it was a tanning booth.

         My response: That’s my boy!

• I just (well really it was Brad) booked my tickets to Chicago – whoopee!!  I’m landing at Midway at 2:20pm on Thursday.  If anyone else is getting in around then, we could find each other and share a cab to the hotel.

Why is it my poor brain is screwed up??

Why is it that I'm so screwed up in the head?  I had my appointment last week and of coures he didn't want to give me a fill.  Now, really, I've been a little on the fence about that anyway.  I can certainly eat seemingly as much as I want to as long as I go slowly and chew well and it's not first thing in the morning.  And 4oz of the most solid protein in the world doesn't keep me full for more than a couple of hours at the most; which I believe is no change from my pre-band days, but... I do think I don't eat as much solid protein as I should.  I think I rely too heavily on things like cottage cheese and yogurt and maybe those things just prime the band really well? 

When I went to the appointment I happened to be in the middle of the worst 'def-com level four million; nuclear addition' cramps that I've experienced in quite some time (and hope to not have again for many, many moons) and my brain was so far at the other end of sharp that there were little pin wheels in my eyes and cute little blue birds circling above my head as I tried to follow the simple conversations going on around me.  As I can't take the big powerful drugs I have for just such occassions and still drive (or really function like a normal human) and the 50 million tylenol and advil weren't even thinking of touching what was going on inside me, I was left on my own and apparently I looked as bad as I felt as everyone I passed moved out of my way in case I was about to self destruct or something fun like that - or else I was just weaving and they figured I was drunk. 

Anyhoo - he has a new form that you have to fill out about what you're eating and how you're exercising, but at the end you have to check a box - 'I do want a fill' or 'I don't want a fill'.  Well even my adled brain knew checking the 'I do want a fill' box would seal my fate for not getting one as he's been nothing if not consistent in his saying black to my white every time we've ever spoken.  But my poor not-straight-thinking-pinwheel-producing brain could not think myself out of that little riddle and I checked the box anyway and added a comment "very, very tiny".  I'm not even going to go into the seriously stupid details of the ensuing conversation - probably because I can't remember 3/4 of them.  But in the end he said no fill but reluctantly decided he should have a look through the x-ray and see what's going on in there and then decide if I needed a fill.

So (and here's where the title comes in) I left there feeling like a failure.  I mean I knew I wasn't.  But that's not how I felt, you know?  And I didn't even have the frank 'can we work together or not' conversation I was thinking about.  I figured I shouldn't muddy the waters until the x-ray thing happened (and seriously I couldn't have thought my way out of a paper bag that day).  But I left there thinking I failed at getting a fill (which I wasn't even 100% sure I wanted) and failing to have the conversation (which I didn't think was a good idea given the circumstances).  And it took me a couple of days to shake that off.  I had a great rest of the week, eating wise.  I'm really trying to eat more solid protein and see what that does for me.  They didn't think they could schedule the x-ray thing until May 5th which is the day before I'm leaving for Jazz Fest where there is lots of  yummy crawfish to be eaten and while initially I said that was okay over the weekend I decided I was going to tell them I couldn't do it then.  I don't want to go to New Orleans and not be able to at least eat crawfish.  We'll just schedule it for after I get back and in the mean time I'll try to stay away from cottage cheese and yogurt and I already know I can't eat salads without then being able to (and wanting to) eat an entire cow - and we'll see what we see.  And then he'll see what he sees and it'll be a good thing to know what's going on inside there (not that I think anything at all is wrong) but still good to see.

So I'm all calm and feel good about the month or so ahead and good about my decisions about eating and the rescheduling of appointments and then his office calls today to tell me they scheduled extra time in the lab at the hospital so my appointment for the looksee is at 8am on Thursday. (the nurse had told me it was a possibility that they might try to schedule it earlier as he often doesn't like people to wait so long and he was going to be out of town in there somewhere and his next already scheduled lab time wasn't until May 5th - but I didn't think he'd classify me as a "we must get this done quickly" kind of patient so I didn't think it would really happen).  So - of course the upside is - he'll see whatever he sees and he'll give me or not give me a fill based on that and it's not right before I'm getting on a plane, but of coures my first reaction is ... OMG, I'm not ready!!!  I panic a little.  What the hell for.  There is no difference between going in last Wednesday and possibly getting a fill and going in on this Thursday and possibly getting a fill - right?  Why is it that my brain is so screwed up sometimes?

I really was going to make this a post full of bullets about "Why is it" things.  Like why is it they don't cancel kids' soccer games when it's 39 degrees with driving rain and a strong wind (the windchill was probably near freezing)??

Why is it that Jackson gets a sudden onset fever right before his baseball game so I have to miss Teddy's baseball game where he pitches 2 shut out innings and finally stays in the box and hits a couple of balls after being dead afraid of the ball this whole season?

Why is it that there is still underwear taped to Jackson's ceiling?  You'd think there'd be a concerned parent who might do something about that instead of chuckling every time she passed his room.

Why is it that I'm still getting a few spam emails a week since I took off my word verification thingy??

Teeth, binding fruit, Tom, and idiot boy

The dentist

Generally, I’m not one of those people that hate the dentist.  It is what it is and I really like my dentist – in fact, hold on while I add him to next year’s Christmas party invite list…  Okay done. – Anyway, I had to go the dentist this morning and I knew going in it wasn’t going to be pleasant but… It was worse than either of us thought it would be.  He was doing his thing for more than an hour and now I’m sore, sore, sore.  – I just had to whine for a minute.  I hope you’ll all take pity on me.

Binding and non-binding fruit

My son ate eight bananas yesterday – seven of them between 3:00 and 5:00 and one after his baseball game at 10ish.  He was very proud of himself – and I guess on some level so was I – as he is seriously in that “I’m a growing boy (he’s 12.5 and in the throws of puberty) and am trying to eat you out of house and home” mode – he tends to grab whatever he can put his hands on and often there’s nothing good about what he’s grabbing.  So, that he’d choose a fruit is a good thing…. But… I’m thinking there are going to be some residual issues from eight frikkin’ bananas roughly all at once.  As someone on Facebook said “He might not poo for a week”. 

Ooooohhhhhh riiiiiiggghhhtt.  I knew that about bananas.  Can you blame a mom from just being happy he was eating fruit instead of chips or chocolate and completely forgetting the potential (non-explosive) side effects of so many bananas?  Oops.  So after the dentist this morning I stopped at the store and bought four big bags of grapes and will have a conversation with him as soon as he arrives home from school about cause and effect.

Tom

I’ve been in a shit mood for days and days – and eating like shit during the shit mood.  Well guess what people?  I got my period this morning.  (palm slap upside my head).  I mean it’s not like I have been doing everything I should be doing the rest of the month – but geesh, did I ever think to look at a calendar??  Uh, nope.  In fact, I thought it was due this coming weekend and I’ve been thinking I should not have scheduled my appointment with my surgeon this week as this is when I’m usually the tightest (of course there is plenty of recent evidence to suggest that’s not necessarily true).  I’ve had plans to get up extra early tomorrow morning; work out, do some laundry, so that when I see him at 9am I’ll have been up for several hours and hopefully a little looser than I might otherwise be at 9am.  I checked my calendar where I record such things and I’m a few days late.  Since I’ve had the little extra between my cycle visits I guess it’s no wonder I’m all screwed up.  But… the point is – the shit mood is gone.  Poof.  Buh – Bye.  And I went back to what was working before and went and got a rotisserie chicken and made a whole shit load of chicken salad and have been eating well for a couple of days too.  I so hate when I’m whiney and needy and that’s how I’ve felt for the last week or so – I feel a little better for knowing there was a reason and a little dumber for not being able to have figured that out.

My doctor’s appointment

As I’ve mentioned, I have one tomorrow morning at 9am.  My last appointment was on 1/6 where he added 1.5cc after I suggested .1 or .2 and then removed .5 in the office and then on 1/19 he took out another .5cc for a total fill of .5cc.  So it’s been three months which it very typical for him – the timing is his choice though I could call the next day and make it in a month I suppose if I wanted to.  But a month or two ago I was planning on just having a frank conversation with him about whether or not he could continue to be my doctor.  As I believe with a band doctor (even more than most doctors) you have to be able to have frank two way conversations where he listens and believes and takes into account what I say and I do the same for him.  And so far that just hasn’t been the case.  I’ve identified a different doctor that a friend of mine I met through my current doctor switched to and m PCP recommends – but he’s less convenient so if I don’t have to switch I don’t want to.  I don’t feel like I’m being pushed around – I just feel like I have to be fake and stroke his needs so ultimately I can get what I want – which is dead stupid.  I’ll end up not telling him something important as I think he’s an idiot. 

I really don’t think in the end we’ll have this easy back and forth thing no matter what I do – but I figured perhaps some blunt honesty where I just lay it all out there was worth a try.  I’m already fully prepared to leave so it’s not like I feel like I’d be loosing anything.

Anyway – the point is – that I had this conversation all planned out when I was feeling well restricted.  Like there’s no need to rush out to this new doctor – there’s no rush to get rid of him.  We’ll have this little conversation when I don’t want a fill and it’ll end badly and I’ll never see him again and then I’ll call the other doctor and go from there.  But now I feel as though I need a fill so I’m going to go in there and say the things I think he needs to hear (true or false) in hopes that I’ll get one.  And as he’s told me in the past the single criteria he would use for getting a fill is lack of weight loss (which is a stupid thing to say, a stupid thing to do, and has proven not true by his actions) and I’ve lost a total of 2.4 lbs as of this morning since my appointment three fucking months ago – and in fact gained 4 lbs since the unfill appointment – I should meet his weight criteria just fine.

But that leaves me with.. should I do what I do and hopefully get the fill and then spring on him the whole … look dude, I say I need a fill and you yell at me, I tell you where I fit on the green, yellow, red, chart thing that you gave me and you tell me all those signs are irrelevant – that if I’m hungry between meals I should start taking phentermine, I suggest I need at most a teeny tiny fill of .2 or less ccs and you give me 1.5cc.  I can’t work like this.  What do we need to do to have a good back and forth respectful working relationship?  OR do I just bag the whole conversation and maybe save it for next time.  What do you think?

More brain farts.....

I can't believe I haven't found a reason to use this picture again before now!!

• First of all - Sarah over at Weighing In both works in a WLS office and is also a WLS patient.  I've just found her blog and so far it's really great - but I wanted to highlight this really great post where a band surgeon rebuts the recent articles that show band surgery in a negative light.  I highly recommend reading it.

• 41 rainy degrees is not acceptable baseball weather for children or parents... seriously!

• I am really struggling with doing what I know I need to do and it's seriously getting on my nerves.  It feels so exactly like it always did.  Getting up every morning and stating the best of intentions and figuring out some way to fuck it up before I go to bed at night then feeling like a total failure... rinse, repeat.

• I am so completely able to eat way, way, way more food than any other bandster I know, but I'm so afraid of being too tight I'm not sure what to do about that.  

• I'm guessing rice must expand inside your body.  Tonight I ate leftovers from the Japanese hibachi restaurant that we went to for Brad's birthday dinner last night.  It was mostly rice and this could be the first time I've had that since surgery (which is more about not really liking rice than for any other reason) with some scallops and veggies in a stupid good sauce - I ate the whole dame plate full.  Very slowly, chewing really, really well.  No problems with it at all.  It went right down.  No issues.  And then.... about 15 minutes later... I'm thinking of having my left shoulder surgically removed.  I'm thinking a small strategic cut - right there on the top.. how big a loss could it be???

• I just killed two stink bugs which is not unusual and one yellow jacket when I just went into my bathroom.  Um... yellow jacket??? It's in the low 40s outside.  Yellow jackets are summer bees.  What the hell is one doing around in cold early April??? Not to mention INSIDE MY HOUSE!  Jeesh!

• And speaking of inside my house... So.. I'm putting Jackson to bed tonight and I look up... 

          Me: Honey, what's that on your ceiling??
          Jack: underwear
          Me: uh... underwear?  Why is there underwear on your ceiling?
          Jack: Teddy glued it up there.
          Me: WHAT?!?!
          Jack: Oh not glue... he used double sided tape.  I'm just waiting till he's at
            soccer practice to get him back.
          Me: Great.

BYOC!!! Bring Your Own Crazy!!

I'm so happy it's BYOC time - I have been really challeneged blogging wise (and in many other ways too) this week so I'm glad Drazil is there to do the hard work for me!!!

It’s Friday!!!! Time for BYOC!! BYOC is Bring Your Own Crazy…..5 little questions we answer in an effort to get to know each other better and to give our blogging brains a break!

Enjoy!!

1. Are you superstitious?

About odd little things, sure.  I don't have any problems with walking under ladders, or crossing a black cat's path or opening an unbrella inside (and in fact for my own amusement, I've been known to do all those things repeatedly if I'm with a superstitious person).  But things like... while watching a sporting event where "my" team is doing great I would never say anything like "We've got this one in the bag" because I'm sure the very next play we will fumble or give up a grand slam or something along those lines and I'll get all annoyed if someone else were to suggest such a thing.  Same thing with my kids... I'd never say... "Phew, I think the worst is over." or "I think he's finally asleep for good."  or anything like that where I'm sure I'm just jinxing the gods who will immediately reverse the situation.

2. You wouldn’t be caught dead where – wearing what?

There are so many, many things.... tube tops, spandex, leather pants, camel-toe-producing short shorts, floral-wall-paper-patterned anything.... I'm sure I could go on and on.


3. What brand of perfume to you wear?

I have yet to find one that I like that likes me too.  I do often spray on this body spray that Brad especially likes (and I do too) that is vanilla and red current - I think - I have the same scent body wash and lotion.  It's relatively high on my list to find a perfume to call my own... Hopefully one day soon.

4. Name five non-human things that you love and why.

My car - well.. the car is fine, but it's the convertible nature of it that I love.  Give me a warm, sunny day (64 degrees is my lower limit) and I'm one happy girl.  I love love love to drive anyway - but put the top down and find a curvy road - and I'm purely happy!
My laptop - It's my window to the world.  I'm so much more comfortable "talking" with a keyboard than I am with my mouth. (though that's changing).  It's given me so much fun and many people I never, ever would have known without it; Camille specifically and this entire community in general.  My life is abundently richer for having it.
My iphone - Well it's just the seriously coolest thing.  I desperately love the efficiency of having a camera, a video camera, a music player, a note pad, an up to date weather report including current, accurate moving radar maps that let me determine whether or not the delayed game will continue or be rained out, books, mind numbing games, calorie counters, facebook, the internet, a flashlight, accurate traffic reports, maps, and I could go on and on... Oh and a phone too - all in the palm of my hand.  Or in my back pocket as it often is - it's purely brillant!
Music - any kind (almost), any time.  There is always, always, always music playing around me.  It can boost my mood or help me contemplate my life - it's calming or exciting - it's sexy or raunchy (sometimes the same thing) - it's beautiful and it's dirty - I'm in awe of those who create it.
Sex toys - well I had to do it, right?  Especially with my on again off again issues with my husband.  A girl's got to do what a girl's got to do.  But, in general - there are such fun and varied choices that meet a variety of desires and games to play and kinks to explore. 

5. Repeat question: Summarize your week in blogland and in real life.

Blogland - a mixed bag.  First and foremost - OMG did you check out the new layouts - specifically the little banners over the sidebar titles - Jenny is a freakin' genius!!!  I can't tell you how much I love love love it!!!  I'm already so completely attached to that bee and the turtle - I'm working on names.  As for writing - I've felt like I had nothing to say so I've been fairly quiet and I think that's the wrong thing for me - I need to work that out some.  As for the reading side - I love reading everyone's blogs - I don't always comment, but I do try to fairly often.  But I love the honest - the funny - the ups - and the downs.  It's all good and it's all valuable - so I thank you all.

Real life - is just insanely busy.  Today for instance, we have scheduled; a soccer game, 2 baseball games, an end of season basketball party, and a birthday party - OH and it's Brad's birthday too!  Jackson is skipping the birthday party and Teddy is skipping his baseball game in favor of soccer in this 45 degree weather.  He's a smart boy - "I'd much rather be running around in soccer when it's this cold than standing in the field or sitting on the bench waiting to move."  So I'll go to soccer, and Brad will go to baseball with Jackson and we'll meet up at the basketball thing and then we'll go home and at least celebrate Brad's birthday a little bit before collapsing for the night.  Tomorrow we only have 2 baseball games and luckily they are back to back so we can both see both kids play - then we're going out to dinner for Brad's bday and then on Sunday Brad leaves at the butt crack of dawn to head down to GA to watch Monday's practice round at the Masters - he's so excited!  Rinse, repeat.  I hope everyone has a great week!!!