Friday, August 5, 2011

I have a teenager... Ack!

Okay look!  I’m sick and tired of being Debbie downer over here.  And Jesus God if I’m tired of it you all must be about to puke (sorry Draz).  This is not who I am.  In fact, last night I was at a friend’s house helping them get their wedding invitations stuffed and whatnot – well there was this woman there, named oddly enough Debbie, who was almost sickeningly positive.  No matter what anyone said or did she immediately put a positive spin on it – it was very funny.  Finally I told her I had to take her home with me because that much positive energy needed to be shared.  She said – oh, I’m not that nice.  And I said – I didn’t say you were nice, only that you were positive. (which was funny at the time).  I continued on to say – I’m neither positive nor nice to which my friend immediately jumped in with – Hey!  You are positive, always positive. She cocked her head and looked at me thoughtfully, you’re not nice, but you are positive.  On the up side though, you’re funny when you’re being not nice.  So… That’s all the proof I have to offer that I am in fact not a natural Debbie Downer.  Oh and one more thing – I can’t tell you how much I appreciate all your love and support, it means more to me than I can begin to tell you – and I have no doubt at all that I’ll be begging for it again one day soon – but good God I’m ready to move on.

So.. shall we?...

First let’s talk about my son Ted.  He’s turning 13 today.  Oh holy God how the hell did that happen. And yes (Jenny) I also know how this occurred on a factual basis but… that boy is a teenager and he lives in my house.  It’s wouldn’t be so bad if he wasn’t all hairy.  I can’t get past it.  People keep telling me my water bill’s gonna go up since he’ll be jerking off in the shower all the damn time now – and that doesn’t bother me.  I hope he jerks off to his heart’s content.  EXCEPT.  He’s going to be doing it while his junk is all hairy.  That’s my baby we’re talking about – it’s not okay that he has hairy junk.  Who said that was okay??? 

Okay – but about my little man.  Who’s now got at least two inches on his mama.  (bastard).  He’s turning into a delightful person.  Here’s a recent conversation we had.  He was talking about a girl he liked from camp (let’s not get me started on this whole girl crazy thing – geesh!).

Me: I thought she was very cute.
Him: She is
Me: I bet she was the cutest girl at camp.  (I was totally trying to make him blush and get all embarrassed)
Him: (pondering the questions seriously)  She’s cute, but she’s not the cutest girl there.
Me: Okay Ted, this is very important.  Something that will serve you well for the rest of your life.  No matter what you really think about that, as far as she’s concerned you think she’s the cutest girl in the world.
Him: (totally rolling his eyes at me). I know that mom (with a total I’m not stupid tone). 

I left the bathroom where we were having this important conversation and had gotten half way down the hall when he popped his head out and said.

“Mom, you’re the most beautiful woman in the world.”

My boy’s no dummy!

For his birthday he keeps adding things to the list.  But here it is as of the last time I looked:

-A big bike (12 speed) instead of the little one he has (totally reasonable)
-some inline skates (I love this idea, but there will no doubt be lots of cursing by me and moaning by him – my boy is not patient, especially about learning new things)
-a PS3 (uh.. no.  I think we already have 286 gaming systems of one kind or another and we do not need anymore)
-some video games (of course he does)
-some legos (at least my little boy is still in there)
-a Lamborghini (sure, why not aim high)
-a lap top (cuz he thinks the computer he already has isn’t good enough – uh.. yeah, babe keep dreaming – not to mention I sure as hell don’t want him to have a computer he can hide away in his room with)
-a house (um, should I take this personally?)
I added to the list for him, one million dollars - (cuz why not?  I figured he'd need the money to furnish this new house and keep him in legos and video games).

He told me he’d rather have the PS3 instead of the 1 million dollars (okay, I may have to reconsider my earlier comment about him not being a dummy)  I pointed out to him that with the money he could buy his own PS3 and the laptop.  Oooooh, yeah. 

Obviously we still have some work to do.


Dawnya said...

I love these conversations you have with the boys. I'm totally grossed out that he will be jerking his hairy met in the shower. So not cool.

He is a smart boy telling his mom how beautiful she is. I totally agree.

Cat said...

Smart boy with his comment about your beauty my friend!

Haha, I also laughed about the house. He's 13!?! What does he need a house for??

Amanda said...

I love this post. You sound like yourself in it. It made me a little teary eyed to think of having a teenager all of the sudden. Alright I am hormonal at the moment but I can't imagine how it would feel to all the sudden have a teenager. Then I read about hairy junk! LOL

You have good kids there Read!!

Ronnie said...

Happy late birthday to Teddy! Time flies. :)

Oy, hairy junk. I don't know that I'll ever allow my boys to grow up that much. LOL

Sandy Lee said...

I know how you feel about looking on the positive side of things. Sometimes you just have to force yourself and drop the negativity. It really does work wonders. In fact today, I'm going to try to only say positive things to get out of my rut.

And if it helps, I can't even remember my two kids as teenagers. I think it is sort of like childbirth. Hurts like hell for awhile and then you forget the pain. My only advice is to choose your battles. Let them think you are giving in on the small things (stuff that will do them no harm) and stick to your guns for the other big stuff, like sex, drugs, drinking...

And BTW, I do remember once having to knock on the bathroom door when my son was in the shower years ago to tell him to turn off the water. It had been over half an hour. Turns out he hopped in the shower, was tired so he lay down in the tub and fell asleep. Thank god his foot didn't block the drain or I would have been ticked off if he had flooded the room.

I vote for giving him the million dollars. Then he can spend it all on you!

FitBy40 said...

oh the teenage years scare the hell out of me!
I'm glad the kids still talk to you though and it seems you have a good relationship with them, that's so important!