Thursday, November 4, 2010

Did my boobs just fart???

I’ve been reading all your funny and informative blogs for a while now and have gained lots of tidbits about this and that.  But, I must admit, some of what I’ve read about has been totally foreign to me.  I’ve had what I called “sort of stuck” episodes here and there.  Where I ate something and I could feel uncomfortable pressure in my chest, but in every case after a couple of minutes at most it would pass and I could resume eating.  Those times seemed to always be associated with eating fast – and by eating fast, I do mean shoveling in one bite after another – chewing like a mad man, sure, but still the speed was there – so I could make it to soccer/football/band practice on time.  It was always followed by a “note to self” moment.  Hey idiot, slow the hell down.

But then I had my last fill.  And… Oooooh, now I get it.  Well I’m sure I still don’t get lots of it, but I get a lot more than I did before.

-Eat small bites.  I’ve been doing this.  I’m a rule follower from way back.  But apparently this little thing inside me (oh and now I’m feeling like I should name it cuz it certainly has a mind of its own) just will not tolerate anything much bigger than a mere morsel.  If you don’t – well, she’s gonna throw a hissy fit.  And by hissy fit, I mean mouth filled with saliva, feels like you’ll never fully swallow again, lots of pain in the chest.  And it just hangs out there; sometimes for a few seconds and sometimes for several long minutes – I haven’t found any rhyme or reason yet, but I’m now fully prepared to give up and try again later.

- Eat slowly.  And that really means… Slowly.  Like, take a bite.  Put your fork down.  Chew until the chickens have laid another egg.  Walk away.  Clean the bathroom.  Help the kids with their homework and then come back and take another bite.  Rinse, repeat.

-And the sounds.  Seriously?!  What the hell was that?  I’ve heard others talk about the gurgling noises they make – And since I had been burping a little more than I had pre-band, I assumed that’s what they meant.  Uh no.  Not so much.  I’m assuming this is air that is being forced around by the food trying to get through that little hole that Velma is creating (Velma?  What do you think?  I think I’m going to try out some names and see what fits) – but mother Mary full of grace – are you kidding me?  It’s horrifying and hilarious all at once.  Did my boobs just fart?  And it’s not a one time thing either.  Noooo.  This noise, whatever the hell it is will just follow the food down – the whole mile and a half it must travel.  (certainly this can’t just be from my mouth to my stomach).  Maybe this is what my idiot doctor was talking about when he said the rumbling stomach isn’t a sign of hunger.  I can still tell the difference thank you very much, but there is a lot more rumbling going on.

So I’m now reviewing everything I’ve read from all you lovely people and now trying to seriously apply it to my life in a new and very specific kind of way.  Because this shit is different. 


tessierose said...

Too funny and oh so true! It's a whole new ball game now.

Sandy Lee said...

Your posts are hilarious. I never thought about pausing to clean the toilet. I'd have the cleanest ones around. I eat a bite, wait from 5-20 minutes and eat the rest of my food. I can now get almost anything down over the last week, which includes the two pancakes I just shovelled into my mouth. WTF is the loosey goosey then tight as all get out about. Which is why I am now booked for a fill on Monday.

But welcome to the slime club. It's always an interesting topic around here.

Bonnie said...

I didn't have any pbs until after my 3rd fill and it was usually in the morning because I ate too fast. And now after my 5th fill my stomach is making some weird ass noises.

Linda said...

Oh welcome to restriction. The noises are crazy though- I always think the people that sit next to me at work can hear it. Eating slow is what still gets me too.

Something About Kellie said...

I like the thought of giving the band a name - Velma has a nice ring to it (pardon the pun). I will name mine Portia.

No one told me about the noises! What do they sound like?

Justawallflower said...

All I can say is thanks for this post! I was actually at dinner when I read it, and had to read it to my hubby. And since I have not experienced any of these things yet, I was very interested and curious as well!

~Lisa~ (Mrs C) said...

Ohhhh what you wrote was hilarious!! I almost spewed my water all over the lap top!! I'm not banded yet, but sure am getting an education!!

Tina said...

This is oh so true and very funny at the same time. I especially love the boob farts. My noises have come and gone and I have been assured that I am way more aware of the burping than anyone else is.

(I asked a colleague who I regularly have lunch with and just told her about my band)...she tells it like it is so I don't suspect the polite factor here.



FitBy40 said...

You always make me laugh, but today I'm laughing so hard I can't see straight and I'm crying! I love it. BTW, I think I've named my band "Phil"...get it, Fill?!