Things a mother should never see...

OMG – I’ve been scarred for life.  Seriously people.  Last night my 12 year old son goes into my bathroom to take a shower.  (Okay as I’m typing this – I realize it is absolutely not as bad as it could have been – not by a long shot – but still… I swear I’m scarred).  After about 30 seconds there is a loud bang.  But it’s not followed by a crash or a yell, so eh.  He’s 12 he can handle himself pretty well.  But then there’s another bang.  And then another.  I storm down the hall, “What the hell are you doing in there?  He’d only been in there less than a minute when the banging started and he notoriously takes 20 minutes before he’s actually ready to get in the shower so it didn’t even cross my mind that he’d had enough time to strip much less that he’d actually do it (he’s a serious procrastinator about everydamnthing).  I threw open the door and there is my cute little boy standing there in all his glory and… Oh holy hell.  He’s got hair in places that he didn’t used to have hair. 

Just the other day I was commenting on the hair on his legs that is now dark and very course and telling him I was very unhappy about this.  But secretly I wasn’t all that freaked by it (I kept myself in denial a while longer) as he has no underarm hair.  But… underarm or no – his junk is now planted in a thick undergrowth and it took everything I have in me as a mom not to absolutely scream “Oh holy shit, your dick is all hairy.”  I managed to look him in the eye as he did his best to cover himself.

The banging???  He was trying to close the linen closet door… unsuccessfully.  He’s such a smart boy, I swear.  But he has the common sense of a pea… Maybe.  The door has two towel hooks – the kind that fit over the top of the door – and one of them was crooked.  I pulled it straight and closed the door.  He said.  “yeah, I guess I’m not the best at deductive reasoning.”  I just ran away and threw up a little in my mouth at the horror I’d seen.  I immediately told Camille who I’d been IMing with and she was appropriately horrified on my behalf.  Which of course led to her thoughts of future hair on her young daughters and this caused its own new round of horror.  But then… I told my husband.  And do you know what that rat bastard did?  He laughed his ass off.  He couldn’t breathe for a few minutes because he was laughing so hard.

Me: But honey, I’m scarred for life

Him: It’s only fair, we’ve scarred him.  He’s just returning the favor.

(Teddy once walked in on us while I was giving Brad a blow job.  We were situated in such a way that I was standing and my back was fully to Ted and I was thus blocking what was going on – he only really knows that I was very closely examining something in that general region – at the time Ted was too young to know what we were doing but we thought that at some point in the future, like when he’s 14 or 15 he’s going to get a flashback of that scene and be able to put all the pieces together. – and then he’s going to run away from home.)

Oh dear God.

Do you ever feel like a foam machine?

I was going to title this “Fluoro is fun” and it was, but… the foam machine is making so much noise I figured it was fighting for its place in the spotlight.

I went and got the fluoroscopy today and that was fun.  The band looks good and everything is right where it should be.  They had me take a little sip and we all watched it go down; it hesitated for a second then flew through the band.  The doctor said – “Yep, that’s all I need to see.  Let’s get you a fill.”

Up on the table I go while he prepares his stuff and the tech gets the machines ready to see what’s going on there.  I asked him what he was planning on giving me since he was so quick to want to give me one.  Can you guess what he said??  “1.5cc”  um, what!!?? Are you on crack?  “Nooooo!”  He just looked over at me like I was insane.  “How about .5cc”  Jesus you were so clear that there’s no way you’d give me as much as .5cc since I was throwing up water at that fill level and had to have some removed.  I’ve been feeling much more like I have room for a fill this time then when I went in for one last time and so I thought the whole ½ cc would be okay and told him so.  He gave it to me and that was that.  He only used the machines to… well I’m not exactly sure why – he took a picture with the needle in there.  I was expecting he’d do the fill and maybe have me drink again so we could see what the fill looks like in there – but no, he gave me some water and that seemed to be okay and sent on my way. 

Well, now it’s four hours later and I can’t really keep water down.  I’ve foamed up (who knew that was a verb?) first a few sips of latte (I shouldn’t have started there) and then the little bit of water I’ve tried.  Some stays down, but not all. So I’m sitting here trying to decide if this is really a problem or not.  It could be that there is some extra inflammation down there from the fill itself and it’ll right itself in a day or two or maybe it’s really just too tight.   I seemed to be able to swallow fine in the hospital this morning, though I only tried a few sips.  And I had a few sips of latte on the way to work and that seemed to go down – it was very slow, but it went.  But here at work… not so much.

I’m happy to wait and see, but the problem is – he has does surgeries on Fridays so I couldn’t get him tomorrow or throughout the weekend.  But... even as I’m typing this – I’m IMing with my friend Camille who’s had a band for many years (and who’s mom is the patient coordination director for Dr. Rumbaut, the lap band doctor in Mexico that a lot of people use).and she suggested trying Maalox or Mylanta or something like that to see if that helps calm things down – and I chewed one – in small, small bits – not thinking it would stay down – and it did.  So maybe it’ll be okay afterall…. We’ll see.

But seriously!  Can you believe he wanted to give me another 1.5cc.  I can not follow his logic no matter how hard I try.  I am at a loss as to why he’s the go to guy around here?  He must be a hell of a surgeon, but that’s all he is - it stops there.

A Ricky sighting, A Jack funny, and Chicago...

• So this email pops up to me at work from…. Duh duh duh.. "Rosemary Lastname".  Hey guys it’s Ricky!  (my MIL)  I'm so excited!!!  But wait – there’s no way in hell Ricky knows what email is, much less how to send one.  This has got to be a cruel joke.  I click on it, only to see that the address is actually Brad’s and the message is “I am having some google issues this morning.  What name comes through on this email?”

         So, you’re what?  Channeling your mom this morning???

• While going through last year’s school papers, Brad comes across a paper from Jackson from third grade.

         The question was: How would you cook a turkey?

         Jack’s answer: I’d tell him it was a tanning booth.

         My response: That’s my boy!

• I just (well really it was Brad) booked my tickets to Chicago – whoopee!!  I’m landing at Midway at 2:20pm on Thursday.  If anyone else is getting in around then, we could find each other and share a cab to the hotel.

Why is it my poor brain is screwed up??

Why is it that I'm so screwed up in the head?  I had my appointment last week and of coures he didn't want to give me a fill.  Now, really, I've been a little on the fence about that anyway.  I can certainly eat seemingly as much as I want to as long as I go slowly and chew well and it's not first thing in the morning.  And 4oz of the most solid protein in the world doesn't keep me full for more than a couple of hours at the most; which I believe is no change from my pre-band days, but... I do think I don't eat as much solid protein as I should.  I think I rely too heavily on things like cottage cheese and yogurt and maybe those things just prime the band really well? 

When I went to the appointment I happened to be in the middle of the worst 'def-com level four million; nuclear addition' cramps that I've experienced in quite some time (and hope to not have again for many, many moons) and my brain was so far at the other end of sharp that there were little pin wheels in my eyes and cute little blue birds circling above my head as I tried to follow the simple conversations going on around me.  As I can't take the big powerful drugs I have for just such occassions and still drive (or really function like a normal human) and the 50 million tylenol and advil weren't even thinking of touching what was going on inside me, I was left on my own and apparently I looked as bad as I felt as everyone I passed moved out of my way in case I was about to self destruct or something fun like that - or else I was just weaving and they figured I was drunk. 

Anyhoo - he has a new form that you have to fill out about what you're eating and how you're exercising, but at the end you have to check a box - 'I do want a fill' or 'I don't want a fill'.  Well even my adled brain knew checking the 'I do want a fill' box would seal my fate for not getting one as he's been nothing if not consistent in his saying black to my white every time we've ever spoken.  But my poor not-straight-thinking-pinwheel-producing brain could not think myself out of that little riddle and I checked the box anyway and added a comment "very, very tiny".  I'm not even going to go into the seriously stupid details of the ensuing conversation - probably because I can't remember 3/4 of them.  But in the end he said no fill but reluctantly decided he should have a look through the x-ray and see what's going on in there and then decide if I needed a fill.

So (and here's where the title comes in) I left there feeling like a failure.  I mean I knew I wasn't.  But that's not how I felt, you know?  And I didn't even have the frank 'can we work together or not' conversation I was thinking about.  I figured I shouldn't muddy the waters until the x-ray thing happened (and seriously I couldn't have thought my way out of a paper bag that day).  But I left there thinking I failed at getting a fill (which I wasn't even 100% sure I wanted) and failing to have the conversation (which I didn't think was a good idea given the circumstances).  And it took me a couple of days to shake that off.  I had a great rest of the week, eating wise.  I'm really trying to eat more solid protein and see what that does for me.  They didn't think they could schedule the x-ray thing until May 5th which is the day before I'm leaving for Jazz Fest where there is lots of  yummy crawfish to be eaten and while initially I said that was okay over the weekend I decided I was going to tell them I couldn't do it then.  I don't want to go to New Orleans and not be able to at least eat crawfish.  We'll just schedule it for after I get back and in the mean time I'll try to stay away from cottage cheese and yogurt and I already know I can't eat salads without then being able to (and wanting to) eat an entire cow - and we'll see what we see.  And then he'll see what he sees and it'll be a good thing to know what's going on inside there (not that I think anything at all is wrong) but still good to see.

So I'm all calm and feel good about the month or so ahead and good about my decisions about eating and the rescheduling of appointments and then his office calls today to tell me they scheduled extra time in the lab at the hospital so my appointment for the looksee is at 8am on Thursday. (the nurse had told me it was a possibility that they might try to schedule it earlier as he often doesn't like people to wait so long and he was going to be out of town in there somewhere and his next already scheduled lab time wasn't until May 5th - but I didn't think he'd classify me as a "we must get this done quickly" kind of patient so I didn't think it would really happen).  So - of course the upside is - he'll see whatever he sees and he'll give me or not give me a fill based on that and it's not right before I'm getting on a plane, but of coures my first reaction is ... OMG, I'm not ready!!!  I panic a little.  What the hell for.  There is no difference between going in last Wednesday and possibly getting a fill and going in on this Thursday and possibly getting a fill - right?  Why is it that my brain is so screwed up sometimes?

I really was going to make this a post full of bullets about "Why is it" things.  Like why is it they don't cancel kids' soccer games when it's 39 degrees with driving rain and a strong wind (the windchill was probably near freezing)??

Why is it that Jackson gets a sudden onset fever right before his baseball game so I have to miss Teddy's baseball game where he pitches 2 shut out innings and finally stays in the box and hits a couple of balls after being dead afraid of the ball this whole season?

Why is it that there is still underwear taped to Jackson's ceiling?  You'd think there'd be a concerned parent who might do something about that instead of chuckling every time she passed his room.

Why is it that I'm still getting a few spam emails a week since I took off my word verification thingy??

Teeth, binding fruit, Tom, and idiot boy

The dentist

Generally, I’m not one of those people that hate the dentist.  It is what it is and I really like my dentist – in fact, hold on while I add him to next year’s Christmas party invite list…  Okay done. – Anyway, I had to go the dentist this morning and I knew going in it wasn’t going to be pleasant but… It was worse than either of us thought it would be.  He was doing his thing for more than an hour and now I’m sore, sore, sore.  – I just had to whine for a minute.  I hope you’ll all take pity on me.

Binding and non-binding fruit

My son ate eight bananas yesterday – seven of them between 3:00 and 5:00 and one after his baseball game at 10ish.  He was very proud of himself – and I guess on some level so was I – as he is seriously in that “I’m a growing boy (he’s 12.5 and in the throws of puberty) and am trying to eat you out of house and home” mode – he tends to grab whatever he can put his hands on and often there’s nothing good about what he’s grabbing.  So, that he’d choose a fruit is a good thing…. But… I’m thinking there are going to be some residual issues from eight frikkin’ bananas roughly all at once.  As someone on Facebook said “He might not poo for a week”. 

Ooooohhhhhh riiiiiiggghhhtt.  I knew that about bananas.  Can you blame a mom from just being happy he was eating fruit instead of chips or chocolate and completely forgetting the potential (non-explosive) side effects of so many bananas?  Oops.  So after the dentist this morning I stopped at the store and bought four big bags of grapes and will have a conversation with him as soon as he arrives home from school about cause and effect.

Tom

I’ve been in a shit mood for days and days – and eating like shit during the shit mood.  Well guess what people?  I got my period this morning.  (palm slap upside my head).  I mean it’s not like I have been doing everything I should be doing the rest of the month – but geesh, did I ever think to look at a calendar??  Uh, nope.  In fact, I thought it was due this coming weekend and I’ve been thinking I should not have scheduled my appointment with my surgeon this week as this is when I’m usually the tightest (of course there is plenty of recent evidence to suggest that’s not necessarily true).  I’ve had plans to get up extra early tomorrow morning; work out, do some laundry, so that when I see him at 9am I’ll have been up for several hours and hopefully a little looser than I might otherwise be at 9am.  I checked my calendar where I record such things and I’m a few days late.  Since I’ve had the little extra between my cycle visits I guess it’s no wonder I’m all screwed up.  But… the point is – the shit mood is gone.  Poof.  Buh – Bye.  And I went back to what was working before and went and got a rotisserie chicken and made a whole shit load of chicken salad and have been eating well for a couple of days too.  I so hate when I’m whiney and needy and that’s how I’ve felt for the last week or so – I feel a little better for knowing there was a reason and a little dumber for not being able to have figured that out.

My doctor’s appointment

As I’ve mentioned, I have one tomorrow morning at 9am.  My last appointment was on 1/6 where he added 1.5cc after I suggested .1 or .2 and then removed .5 in the office and then on 1/19 he took out another .5cc for a total fill of .5cc.  So it’s been three months which it very typical for him – the timing is his choice though I could call the next day and make it in a month I suppose if I wanted to.  But a month or two ago I was planning on just having a frank conversation with him about whether or not he could continue to be my doctor.  As I believe with a band doctor (even more than most doctors) you have to be able to have frank two way conversations where he listens and believes and takes into account what I say and I do the same for him.  And so far that just hasn’t been the case.  I’ve identified a different doctor that a friend of mine I met through my current doctor switched to and m PCP recommends – but he’s less convenient so if I don’t have to switch I don’t want to.  I don’t feel like I’m being pushed around – I just feel like I have to be fake and stroke his needs so ultimately I can get what I want – which is dead stupid.  I’ll end up not telling him something important as I think he’s an idiot. 

I really don’t think in the end we’ll have this easy back and forth thing no matter what I do – but I figured perhaps some blunt honesty where I just lay it all out there was worth a try.  I’m already fully prepared to leave so it’s not like I feel like I’d be loosing anything.

Anyway – the point is – that I had this conversation all planned out when I was feeling well restricted.  Like there’s no need to rush out to this new doctor – there’s no rush to get rid of him.  We’ll have this little conversation when I don’t want a fill and it’ll end badly and I’ll never see him again and then I’ll call the other doctor and go from there.  But now I feel as though I need a fill so I’m going to go in there and say the things I think he needs to hear (true or false) in hopes that I’ll get one.  And as he’s told me in the past the single criteria he would use for getting a fill is lack of weight loss (which is a stupid thing to say, a stupid thing to do, and has proven not true by his actions) and I’ve lost a total of 2.4 lbs as of this morning since my appointment three fucking months ago – and in fact gained 4 lbs since the unfill appointment – I should meet his weight criteria just fine.

But that leaves me with.. should I do what I do and hopefully get the fill and then spring on him the whole … look dude, I say I need a fill and you yell at me, I tell you where I fit on the green, yellow, red, chart thing that you gave me and you tell me all those signs are irrelevant – that if I’m hungry between meals I should start taking phentermine, I suggest I need at most a teeny tiny fill of .2 or less ccs and you give me 1.5cc.  I can’t work like this.  What do we need to do to have a good back and forth respectful working relationship?  OR do I just bag the whole conversation and maybe save it for next time.  What do you think?

More brain farts.....

I can't believe I haven't found a reason to use this picture again before now!!

• First of all - Sarah over at Weighing In both works in a WLS office and is also a WLS patient.  I've just found her blog and so far it's really great - but I wanted to highlight this really great post where a band surgeon rebuts the recent articles that show band surgery in a negative light.  I highly recommend reading it.

• 41 rainy degrees is not acceptable baseball weather for children or parents... seriously!

• I am really struggling with doing what I know I need to do and it's seriously getting on my nerves.  It feels so exactly like it always did.  Getting up every morning and stating the best of intentions and figuring out some way to fuck it up before I go to bed at night then feeling like a total failure... rinse, repeat.

• I am so completely able to eat way, way, way more food than any other bandster I know, but I'm so afraid of being too tight I'm not sure what to do about that.  

• I'm guessing rice must expand inside your body.  Tonight I ate leftovers from the Japanese hibachi restaurant that we went to for Brad's birthday dinner last night.  It was mostly rice and this could be the first time I've had that since surgery (which is more about not really liking rice than for any other reason) with some scallops and veggies in a stupid good sauce - I ate the whole dame plate full.  Very slowly, chewing really, really well.  No problems with it at all.  It went right down.  No issues.  And then.... about 15 minutes later... I'm thinking of having my left shoulder surgically removed.  I'm thinking a small strategic cut - right there on the top.. how big a loss could it be???

• I just killed two stink bugs which is not unusual and one yellow jacket when I just went into my bathroom.  Um... yellow jacket??? It's in the low 40s outside.  Yellow jackets are summer bees.  What the hell is one doing around in cold early April??? Not to mention INSIDE MY HOUSE!  Jeesh!

• And speaking of inside my house... So.. I'm putting Jackson to bed tonight and I look up... 

          Me: Honey, what's that on your ceiling??
          Jack: underwear
          Me: uh... underwear?  Why is there underwear on your ceiling?
          Jack: Teddy glued it up there.
          Me: WHAT?!?!
          Jack: Oh not glue... he used double sided tape.  I'm just waiting till he's at
            soccer practice to get him back.
          Me: Great.

BYOC!!! Bring Your Own Crazy!!

I'm so happy it's BYOC time - I have been really challeneged blogging wise (and in many other ways too) this week so I'm glad Drazil is there to do the hard work for me!!!

It’s Friday!!!! Time for BYOC!! BYOC is Bring Your Own Crazy…..5 little questions we answer in an effort to get to know each other better and to give our blogging brains a break!

Enjoy!!

1. Are you superstitious?

About odd little things, sure.  I don't have any problems with walking under ladders, or crossing a black cat's path or opening an unbrella inside (and in fact for my own amusement, I've been known to do all those things repeatedly if I'm with a superstitious person).  But things like... while watching a sporting event where "my" team is doing great I would never say anything like "We've got this one in the bag" because I'm sure the very next play we will fumble or give up a grand slam or something along those lines and I'll get all annoyed if someone else were to suggest such a thing.  Same thing with my kids... I'd never say... "Phew, I think the worst is over." or "I think he's finally asleep for good."  or anything like that where I'm sure I'm just jinxing the gods who will immediately reverse the situation.

2. You wouldn’t be caught dead where – wearing what?

There are so many, many things.... tube tops, spandex, leather pants, camel-toe-producing short shorts, floral-wall-paper-patterned anything.... I'm sure I could go on and on.


3. What brand of perfume to you wear?

I have yet to find one that I like that likes me too.  I do often spray on this body spray that Brad especially likes (and I do too) that is vanilla and red current - I think - I have the same scent body wash and lotion.  It's relatively high on my list to find a perfume to call my own... Hopefully one day soon.

4. Name five non-human things that you love and why.

My car - well.. the car is fine, but it's the convertible nature of it that I love.  Give me a warm, sunny day (64 degrees is my lower limit) and I'm one happy girl.  I love love love to drive anyway - but put the top down and find a curvy road - and I'm purely happy!
My laptop - It's my window to the world.  I'm so much more comfortable "talking" with a keyboard than I am with my mouth. (though that's changing).  It's given me so much fun and many people I never, ever would have known without it; Camille specifically and this entire community in general.  My life is abundently richer for having it.
My iphone - Well it's just the seriously coolest thing.  I desperately love the efficiency of having a camera, a video camera, a music player, a note pad, an up to date weather report including current, accurate moving radar maps that let me determine whether or not the delayed game will continue or be rained out, books, mind numbing games, calorie counters, facebook, the internet, a flashlight, accurate traffic reports, maps, and I could go on and on... Oh and a phone too - all in the palm of my hand.  Or in my back pocket as it often is - it's purely brillant!
Music - any kind (almost), any time.  There is always, always, always music playing around me.  It can boost my mood or help me contemplate my life - it's calming or exciting - it's sexy or raunchy (sometimes the same thing) - it's beautiful and it's dirty - I'm in awe of those who create it.
Sex toys - well I had to do it, right?  Especially with my on again off again issues with my husband.  A girl's got to do what a girl's got to do.  But, in general - there are such fun and varied choices that meet a variety of desires and games to play and kinks to explore. 

5. Repeat question: Summarize your week in blogland and in real life.

Blogland - a mixed bag.  First and foremost - OMG did you check out the new layouts - specifically the little banners over the sidebar titles - Jenny is a freakin' genius!!!  I can't tell you how much I love love love it!!!  I'm already so completely attached to that bee and the turtle - I'm working on names.  As for writing - I've felt like I had nothing to say so I've been fairly quiet and I think that's the wrong thing for me - I need to work that out some.  As for the reading side - I love reading everyone's blogs - I don't always comment, but I do try to fairly often.  But I love the honest - the funny - the ups - and the downs.  It's all good and it's all valuable - so I thank you all.

Real life - is just insanely busy.  Today for instance, we have scheduled; a soccer game, 2 baseball games, an end of season basketball party, and a birthday party - OH and it's Brad's birthday too!  Jackson is skipping the birthday party and Teddy is skipping his baseball game in favor of soccer in this 45 degree weather.  He's a smart boy - "I'd much rather be running around in soccer when it's this cold than standing in the field or sitting on the bench waiting to move."  So I'll go to soccer, and Brad will go to baseball with Jackson and we'll meet up at the basketball thing and then we'll go home and at least celebrate Brad's birthday a little bit before collapsing for the night.  Tomorrow we only have 2 baseball games and luckily they are back to back so we can both see both kids play - then we're going out to dinner for Brad's bday and then on Sunday Brad leaves at the butt crack of dawn to head down to GA to watch Monday's practice round at the Masters - he's so excited!  Rinse, repeat.  I hope everyone has a great week!!!