I've been de-followed

There were 106 and now there are 105.  Someone doesn't like me anymore.  It's very, very sad.  I thought we had a good thing going.  There was laughter and frivolity.  I thought I meant more than that.  I thought I was important.  I thought we had a future.

You know, it's hard.  It's hard when you love someone and they don't love you back.  It's hard when you try to be the best you can be and find out... sometimes it's just not good enough.  Sometimes what you are, who you are, what you have to offer - just aren't what the other person wanted or needed.

I know after some time has passed I'll be better able to put this in perspective, but right now.... it's just really hard.  I want what we had before.  When it was going well.  When we were stronger.  There was laughter.  There were smiles.  There was a real connection.... or maybe that was just me.  I thought we had a real connection.  Maybe that's what this all boils down to - I need to get a better handle on what 'connection' means.  I guess it means more to me than it did to them.

I know I'll survive this hit.  It's just going to take some time.  Sniff sniff.

potent quotables from the boys

Loopy: a practical definition
I mysteriously hurt my shoulder.  No idea what the hell I did with it, I can't even point to playing with the toys in my bedside table - though that would have been a funny story.  Anyway, Brad was out of town and I was in a lot of pain.  After work I had to get Jack and get him to basketball practice which was fine, except his anxiety issues make it impossible for me to leave the room and I couldn't find a comfortable position in which to hold my arm and whine whine whine - I hurt.  (and this is so not the point of this story, I swear).  So we finally get home and I rush upstairs and take a percocet that my PCP had prescribed for me for my 2 out of every 3 months of bone crunching period pain.

This was the first percocet I'd taken in many, many years.  I have left over pain meds from various surgeries and whatnot over the years that I've been taking on my own for that pain - which I would have said were mostly percocet which is why I requested it, but as it happens none of them were percocet.  So I was completely unprepared for just how totally stoned percocet made me on an empty stomach.  I was flying... dude. woooooweeeeee.  It brought me back to a time when life was simpler and we all had a perpetual case of the munchies - but again, I digress.

So, I'm in the kitchen stoned out of my mind trying to make dinner while lecturing myself about not killing myself in front of the kids.  'That's an open flame on the stove, Read.  Be very careful around it.'  And then there was the giggling.  Okay so really, here's the point.  A super long lead up to a little tiny funny, but still...

I sit the boys down to have a little conversation;

Me: Boys, I took some medicine for my shoulder and it's made me really dizzy and a little loopy, so I really need your help tonight.
Jack (4th grade): Loopy?  What does that mean?
Ted (7th grade): It means if you need help with your homework you should ask me.

I just put my head down and laughed at that one.  I was pretty sure even in my stoned state that I didn't like that my 7th grader knew exactly what I was trying to get across.

Slapping while wet
Jack and his best friend Jake are running around with their faces painted for the Superbowl (I'm embarrassed to say that Jack likes the hated Steelers because he's an ornery sort, but Jake a very sensible child, desperately wants whoever is playing the Steelers to win so he'd become an instant Packer Backer.)  Jake even brought a make shift Packer Backer Towel to counter Jackson's "terrible towel".  Of course this leads to them snapping these towels at each other and lots of other fun and frivolity.

This conversation may not be funny to some or even all of you, but I swear to God I about fell over laughing when I heard it because I know just how true it is.  (as a disclaimer - Jackson did not get his information from anything either of his parents have ever done or said to him or in front of him)

'Whip'
Jake: Ow!

Jackson: Too bad your leg's not damp.

Jake (Mr. Analytical): Why?

Jackson: It hurts way more if you get your body wet first.

They did go on to get into a long discussion about snapping towels at the pool before and after you've been swimming, but still - I found that hilarious that my son was up on the finer points of pain through towel snap or other type of slaps as the conversation went on to include.

B.Y.O.C.!!!

It’s Friday!!!!!!!
It’s time for BYOC – Bring Your Own Crazy. Five little questions that you can copy and paste into your blog in an effort to get to know each other better and to give your brain a blog topic break!

Enjoy!

1. What piece of clothing can you absolutely not live without?

All things mushy; sweats, pajamas (the warm and mushy kind), tee-shirts, furry crocs.  Life is pretty good if I'm in something warm and mushy.  (and I'm not even being dirty!)

2. If you could go back in time for just 24 hours, where would you go and why?

This is really hard.  I totally published this before I answered this one - oops.  Okay, after giving this more thought the only thing I could come up with was I'd love to go back and repeat a day (that I can't specifically identify as there are many of them) where I was totally and completely connected with Brad.  Where we laughed and played and made love and just hung out and had fun no matter what we were doing at the moment.  (and typing this just made me a little weepy)

3. If you could change one feature of your looks, what would it be and why?

This one is easy - I'd have my boobs moved back to where they belong.  I've never, never, never had pert and perky boobs.  AND any time I've ever lost weight I don't lose and ounce from my boobs, but when I have then gained it back, my boobs get bigger.... and saggier.  I swear to God, "Bra Magic" is a beautiful thing and without it I'd look at least 50 years older than I am.  The upside (pun) is that when I get somewhere near my goal weight and I feel comfortable that I'm going to be able to stick around there, I'm totally making an appointment to make it happen!!!  It's been on my list for quite a while now, but I've always maintained that I needed to lose the weight and maintain it for a year before I make the appointment.  I don't think I'll wait the year now, but I will definitely wait until I'm there.

4. What things do you enjoy or only do when you’re alone? (All you perverts out there….try to resist the obvious answer here)

First of all, I crack open my drawer of toys....  Okay, just kidding.

When I'm alone, I turn the music way, way up.  I'll usually walk around from room to room changing the radio station so I can have the same music playing in just about every room in the house.  And then I get stuff done that's hard to do with my three boys underfoot.  The first thing I do - once the music is set - is clean.  I hate clutter so when there's no one there to screw it up, I put everything where it belongs and then I usually work on a project of some sort.  Maybe I'm fixing something, or maybe I'll organize one of the kid's rooms or purge stuff from my closet.  I'm usually very productive, though occassionally I'll just be a lump and pull out a good book and never once get out of bed (toys or not).


5. Repeat question: Summarize your life in real life and in blogland this week.

In blogland - Barbara's loss is still so very present in everyone's minds and I think it's there under just about every post.  This community that exists here is a wonderous and powerful thing.  Drazil meantioned the sip and gulp challenge and I totally need to know what that is, so if anyone can enlighten me, please do.

In real life - This has been a good week.  Brad and I had a long and really hard conversation last weekend.  There was fear, there were tears, but the tension is gone.  The issues aren't but for the first time in a long time I'm feeling really hopeful about it.  I feel like it might just be safe to look forward again and that's just an amazing and freeing feeling.  I don't think I realized how stuck in the present I'd become until I wasn't anymore. - The world feels open again.

Sex positions as exercise.....

My friend's husband decided to go online to find a sexual position they had never tried in an effort for a little added fun for the night.  She and I were IMing at the time and she figured he was going to get himself all worked up then he'd pull her  to their room where they'd have sex in a position they were very familiar with.... She was perfectly happy with whatever position(s) they ended up in.

Lo and behold he found one......

It's called The Pair of Tongs.

My first reaction was, and I quote, "Why?  Seriously, why?"  But then... I thought about it.  Have sex and tone your arms at the same time.  You'd have to flip over to the other arm half way through, but clearly it can be done.  Since you're already in that position you could (and seriously I mean you, cuz there's no way in hell I could manage this) also do some one armed, sideways push ups.  Seriously, think of the marketing.  I bet Joey could come up with a hell of a campaign around this new exercise regiment.  Feel the burn then feel the spasms.  See, I'm no good at this.  I'll do the books for the millions we'll rake in, but someone else is going to have to come up with the right angle.  (all puns intended)

Holy Cow! How did this happen?

I have 105 followers.  You have got to be kidding me.  I have no idea how I missed this number jumping up like this, but holy shit!  I can't tell you how thrilled and shocked and amazed I am that there are people out there who chose to follow me. 

Thank you so much for your continued support and entertainment!!!

Wanted: band help - BEWARE TMI ahead! - (Draz - don't read this)

So, all day I've had to go to the bathroom; you know, #2.  But it just wasn't happening for me.  I was pregnant twice and am afraid of hemorrhoids, so I know not to force the issue.  Finally as I'm driving home things seem to be moving a bit and I think that after I pick Jack up, I may finally get rid of this "good god will this shit please leave my body" feeling.  I get the kids settled and head upstairs for a little private time.

Well that was nearly a bust.  It's right there, it wants to leave my body and I know it's going to hurt on the way out, but please please please I'm ready for it to leave.  But no, nothing to speak of happens.  I sat there longer than I would normally have, because I really want this to be over, but again, I'm afraid of certain things so I didn't press the issue if you get my drift.

I give up.  I head back downstairs to make dinner for the kids (Brad's away).  And my band starts hurting.  Well it started making itself known while I was sitting upstairs.  But as I'm walking around making pasta it hurts more and more.  (and just an aside - as my friend Camille felt compelled to point out - yes I fully understand that my band has no nerve endings and what I'm really talking about is the upper part of my stomach that the band surrounds - I call this area my band for simplicity sake.  I believe I've mentioned before that I can feel my band every morning.  Just a little achiness in that very specific region, as if I slept on a muscle wrong.  But after moving around for a bit it goes away and I can't feel it at all).

Anyway, as I am moving and walking around it keeps hurting more and more until I'm having to put pressure on that area (sort of like you would a cramp, though it didn't feel like a cramp).  But I'm almost bent over because the pain is getting severe enough and I'm thinking - shit did my band slip?

I was telling my friend, Camille, about it (she has a band too and this is a different Camille than our friend in TX) and she suggested taking some Maalox which I totally didn't think would help as it wasn't a 'my stomach hurts' kind of pain.  It was more 'I have a pulled muscle' or a 'small puncture wound'  kind of pain - but I figured it couldn't hurt.

I took it and after a while my band started to feel a little better.  I have no idea if it's related to the Maalox or if it just needed some time or what the hell that was.  Now it's back to the achy feeling I get in the mornings - so I'm much less freaked out now.

Edited to add: - I was wrong it's really not feeling better if I am not standing still as I was while typing this post.  As soon as I started walking around again, I had to put pressure on my band again.

But - do any of you have any idea what the hell that was??

Thanks!

A new and interesting and a little frightening band place

So for the past week or so, I’ve been having myself a little eating frenzy.  I’m in this new band place.  It might even be the perfect band place – but it has really… hmmm, I don’t know exactly what… made me curious maybe?  Made me test it out?  I’m not sure, but I think I’ve eaten more chocolate in the last week or so than in all of 2010.

I read on someone’s blog (maybe Jen’s) about how their NP told them it’s not a good idea to take it all out then put it all back in (dirty hehehe) because the liquid will settle differently – well I’m up a net .5 cc – but that was after 1.5cc went in and then .5cc came out 15 min later and another .5cc came out a week later.  So now my restriction is totally and completely different.  Not tighter necessarily – but definitely different.  And it’s different in a wonderful and scary way. Before the whole fill-unfill-unfill thing at certain times of the month I was super tight and during those times or first thing in the morning or if I totally forgot and ate too fast – I could get into a situation where I’d throw up – and sometimes it would be kind of bad.  But for the most part things were fine and I wasn’t having many issues at all.  I was however still able to eat a lot of food at one time and I was getting hungry quicker than I thought I should, which led me to believe a tiny fill might be in order, but wasn’t necessary. 

When I was in my intermediate fill place which was .5 cc more than I ended up with, I really couldn’t eat any solid food.  I almost couldn’t drink water before noonish.  Anytime I did eat it would lead to some up close and personal time with the porcelain god.  It took a LONG time to consume anything at all.  The interesting part was my hunger.  It wasn’t that it was less.  It was non existent.  I lost all interest in food.  Poof.  It was just gone.  I’m not sure whether how hard it was to eat played a role in that or if it was just that special little nerve being gently massaged or both – but when I did eat or drink it was completely because I know it's important to consume a certain amount of liquid and calories and vitamins in a period of time – it was never, not once, because my body told me to eat or drink.  That part was downright odd.

But now – after the second little unfill – I’m not hungry all that much, but food is definitely on my mind.  I’m definitely interested in food again – wanting to taste things, wanting to chew things.  AND I don’t feel as physically tight as I did before the whole thing started.  I don’t think I could eat a lot in the morning, but I can definitely eat more now than before.  Before, drinking a chai latte in the morning was absolutely possible, but I could feel every bit of it going down and I had to be somewhat careful about it.  Now, I’m sure I couldn’t gulp it down, but I can’t feel it going down the way I could before.

I was thinking for a while there that maybe my doctor, who I don’t trust, took out more than he said, but here’s the difference – I can not consume much food.  At.  All.  The more solid it is, the smaller my portion has to be.  The sensation is completely different now though.  My body is giving me cues like my shoulder will hurt, or I’ll just feel a little pressure or something.  But this new place in no way keeps me from eating – the pressure or the pain will grow, but I can still eat it.  It’s so damn odd.  Before if I went too far, I would just not be able to bring that fork to my mouth one more time because I knew if I did I’d be running to the bathroom, but now, I’m not throwing up, I just get pain or pressure. 

The signs are all there.  My band and my body are working in beautiful harmony at the moment.  This is probably exactly where I want to be (band wise) – now I just have to learn to listen.  Learn to pay attention and learn to act on the cues.  "Hey look Read, you're done eating."  Which in the past week or so – basically since that last unfill – I’ve been failing at miserably.  I think I’ve finally gotten a handle on it.  I think it took me this long (well I’ve been fine for a couple of days now) to really figure out what the hell was going on with my body.  A lot of the time it feels like there is no restriction at all, of course I know that if I were to say take a bite of a big chicken sandwich, it would never go down – but, it’s just totally different than at any other time in the past 7 months.  It’s sort of like all the “walls” around what I could and couldn’t do are gone – only they’re not at all – they’re higher and stronger in fact.  I’m just left a little bit more in charge.  I know I’m not doing a good job of explaining this, but it’s totally interesting.

Of course – I just ate a banana.  A small banana.  And a) at about the ½ way point I could really feel it going down but I chalked that up to taking too big a bite, so I slowed down, but another bite in – OMG.  I’m was in serious pain and needed to take a trip to the bathroom.  So… maybe I take it all back – LOL.