This whole positivity thing that’s going around here.. that’s an amazing thing and really hitting a nerve with me right now.
You all have been watching me (and supporting the hell out of me for which I’ll never be able to adequately repay you) go through a rough year – and I’m certain there will be more roughness to come, but… I’m in this whole other place these days and both Barb’s post and Sandy Lee’s post yesterday really, really spoke to me. Helped me put into words things I’ve been feeling for a while now.
I feel good… right… confident… I’m not sure any of those words are the right ones – but I feel like I’ve honestly given all I can to fixing this marriage. And I’m still right here willing to keep giving it. I’ve been profoundly honest about what is and is not acceptable to me. I’ve not shied away from the really hard conversations about how things have affected me and what things I might need to do in the future to deal with that.
The thing is… maybe for the first time ever – I’m being completely true to me. I’m doing my very best to not cause harm to anyone else even though I know this will harm my children if I do end up leaving one day. But, I’m just owing… me. This is who I am, this is what I need, and this is what I want. Take me or leave me. I can give a hell of a lot and I’m absolutely willing to do so – but I’m not a mind reader and I’m no longer worried about that. I’m ready to be told (okay, I’ve been ready to be told for a lot of years) but I’m ready to be told what he needs and… and this is a big one – I’m ready to tell him no. I hope he can tell me what he needs and I hope they are things I’m prepared to give, but if they aren’t… well, they aren’t. And I’m completely okay with that.
I don’t feel like I’m in this big whole where there’s no way out. I feel really good about me. I feel really good about the things I’ve said, the things I’ve written and the things I’ve done. And there is a way out and it’s a place in which I can not only live, but I can thrive.
First I read Barb’s post called A Dose of Positive Energy is What I Need. And maybe she was ranting and venting about crappy Mondays – but that’s not what came through loud and clear – what came through is just how amazing our Barbara is. She’s out there finding her way, doing what’s right for her, living for the now, and most of all… owning herself. And it struck me fairly profoundly about how I’ve truly been working to stay open to the universe and open to what the world is saying to me and giving to me. Living in the moment and being ready to learn what I need to learn and accept the gifts I’m given. I think it’s this openness that’s really allowed me to find the peace I’d been missing in my life.
Barb had linked to Sandy Lee’s post called Emotional Energy. And well.. wow, that was a great post. The top part is sort of like an exercise that I think everyone of us could benefit from doing – but it was really the bottom part the got me - where she quoted the book The Emotional Energy Factor by Mira Kirshenbaum. I’m totally copying the quote from her blog (forgive me
Here is what she says about Emotional Energy: It's an aliveness of the mind, a happiness of the heart, and a spirit filled with hope. Emotional energy has a specific feel. It's a sense of being up, happy, forward looking, resilient, feeling young, feeling open, feeling your juices flow, being in touch with the loving, creative, generous, hopeful parts of yourself. People who have emotional energy give to the people they love, rise to difficult occasions, and are able to make decisions to change the parts of their life that aren't working for them. Emotional energy means you can ride out any storm and your core of grace, happiness, and strength won't be touched.
My first thought upon reading that was… okay whoa. But then it morphed into – Yes!! Yes damn it! That’s exactly it. That’s what I’m feeling, that’s where I am. Apparently I’ve got lots of emotional energy at the moment. I sure as hell hope it’s gonna stick around for a while!!
And while I have no way of predicting the future – I suspect this place I find myself living in these days will also help me get off this
huge fucking little plateau I’ve been living on for the better part of this past year. But even this.. (and if this isn't a sure sign of the state of my emotional energy I don't know what is) isn’t killing me. I’m looking at this plateau as part of what I need to learn from the world. Perseverance, toughness, patience – none of those things are bad things to learn more about.
My wish for all of you is to find your emotional energy!!! And I totally recommend going over to Sandy Lee's blog and thinking about what her post is telling us.
Oh and for those of you with perverted minds like me... "Owning me" is also not a bad thing!!