Friday, July 22, 2011

BYOC!!! Bring Your Own Crazy!!

You know what that means, right?

It’s BYOC day! Bring Your Own Crazy! We answer a few questions to get to know each other better and to give our blog brains a break! Copy and paste to your own blog and enjoy!!

1. Alright – forgive me – we’re gonna get a little personal here. I was flipping through my organizer and saw in big bright letters “ANNUAL PHYSICAL DUE” coming up soon. Then I remembered that last year my lady bits doc said that since I haven’t had a bad pap in so many years – that I don’t have to come back for another 3 years if I don’t want to. What the what? Did you guys know that?

No speculum in the vaginulum?

Anywhoozle – it sounds all good but really – do any of you follow this medical rule? Do you go every three years if you’ve never had a bad pap?

I've never had any issure with any pap smears (or however that's spelled) and my doctor continues to recommend having them once a year.  I can't say I've ever heard anyone say anything other than the once a year recommendation - but they (whoever they are) do seem to change recommendations about things all the time so... who knows.


2. If you read, what are you reading right now? Or how about what is your fave music right now?
I read constantly - I like the JD Robb series.  I like murder mysteries.  I like light and fluffy things.  I like BDSM books. I like Laurel K. Hamilton (Okay that's not so true anymore - I used to like her writing, though at least in her Anita Blake series she seems to have stopped writing stories and now writes out her personal sexual fantasies and links them together with what could very, very loosely be called a sort of a plot.  I haven't actually stopped reading them, but I'm a few behind as I'm just usually not that interested in her own little fantasies.  I like suspence/romance, but don't really like just straight romance.  I love things in series where you see the characters learn and grow.

Music - Oh.... well.... hmmmm.  I like a hell of a lot of stuff:  I'm sort of in love with Nickleback at the moment, I love love love David Nail, Darious Rucker, Adele, Son's of Sylvia, Maroon 5, Marcia Ball, Bon Jovi, Brad Paisley, Eva Cassidy, I've just discovered and love Florence + The Machine, Green Day, Indigo Girls, Jason Aldean, Jason Mraz, Jimmy Buffett, Keith Urban, Kelly Clarkson, Steel Magnolia, Sugarland, Yaz, Zac Brown Band - did you see how for the most part I was just cruising through my ipod and listing the ones I thought deserved special note - it's not even close to all that's on there - but it's a good cross section of what I'm regularaly listening to.



3. Name some of your favorite smells.

Fresh cut grass, freshly washed children's hair (when they still use Johnson's baby shampoo), the beach.  Nature in general.

4. Showers or baths? Shampoo only or shampoo & conditioner? Shave daily or just when you start feeling and looking like an ape?

Definitely showers - I love love love a long hot hot hot shower in a dark dark dark room.  Shampoo and conditioner and every other day - only conditioner on the advice of my hair person.  It took me a long time to get comfortable not washing my hair every day - but I swear my hair actually looks better on the days I don't wash it - very odd for this formerlly greasy haired girl.  In the summer I shave at least every other day and often every day - it depends on what I'm wearing and where I'm going as to whether or not I'll skip it.  In the winter... eh... I still shave my pits about as often and my legs more like a couple of times a weekish.


5. Repeat question: Summarize your week in real life and in blogland.

Blogland is good - it's fun to see what everyone is up to in the summer.  The challenge is in full swing.  I'm hoping to get back down to my starting weeks' weight one of these days - but I'm very happy to be doing it.  I feel much more in control and on the ball - just cuz i'm paying attention.

Real life - well.. let's talk about today before 7:30am, shall we.  So... Brad's away (which of course is the only reason this kind of thing happens) and I'm getting the kids up and going so I can get them off to camp and still make it to work on time(ish).  Their camp is in the opposite direction from our house as is my office so we have to leave at about 7:30am in order for me to get to work on time.  (Obviously Brad takes them when he's in town).  So.. I'm a tasky kind of girl and there's a schedule in my head about what has to happen when so I can get them out the door without anyone getting upset. 

I'm up and showered on time - early even. Check.  I've got the end of yesterday's stage of the Tour on (I'm completely obsessed with it) and I have enough time to watch the very end of the stage which is perfect.  Check!  Jack's working on his pool bag. Check.  Ted's sort of moving.  Check-ish.  Lunch is started. Check.  Ted is sitting up - sort of.  Check-ish-ish.  I'm downstairs making breakfast right on schedule and Teddy calls and tells me he needs my help.  Well of course he does - he's Teddy and not always able to perform simple tasks - like say - find underwear or a shirt.  Whatever, I head upstairs to see what's going on - I got up early so I've got even more extra time than I normally build in. 

Ted: Mom, Raphael (the little catfish in his fish tank) is stuck and is going to die. 

I look and Raphael has adhered himself to the top of the little sunken ship in the middle of the fishtank and I'm not worried at all.

Me: Ted, he's fine.  In fact when you were at camp, Daddy thought he was dead cuz he was sitting in exactly the same spot for seemingly days.  Dad was all worried he was going to have to tell you he killed Raphael.  He even went so far as to take the ship out of the tank because he was so convinced he was dead and not until he was several steps away and he saw the poor fish try to breathe did he realize he was still alive and quickly got him back in the water.  So, he's fine, I promise.  Finish getting ready.

Ted: Mom, he's really stuck.  I swaer he is. 

(at this point we have a whole back and forth something like this - he's not stuck he just likes it there, no he really is stuck and won't be able to eat and will die, no he's fine I swear it, Mom I promise you he is stuck you have to help him, no he's fine.)

Finally we get to... Ted: If he dies, it's not my fault. 

Me: He's not going to die, but if he does, you're right - it'll totally be on me.

I start to leave and my big, strong, taller than me boy bursts into tears.  OMG - okay baby, I'll push him out of the way,  you'll see.  I reach in the tank and push Raphael out of the way so he'll swim somewhere else and damned if that fucking fish isn't compleltely stuck.  I pulled and pushed and did everything I could think of to get him out of there, but he'd somehow managed to wedge himself in between the fake barnacles and the deck of the ship.  My first thought - Fuck, there goes the schedule.  My second thought - it's probably in bad taste to take pictures for a future blog post while my son is crying.  My third thought is - I really don't like having my arms to my elbows in the fish tank - ick.

Okay... hmmm how to unstuck a fish.  I will cut off the barnacles.  I go downstairs and get a pairing knife cuz it's small and start sawing.  I'm barely making a dent.  This is going to take FUCKING hours, but you know my motto - the turtle wins the race - so I just stick with it.  Of course I'm deathly afraid I'm going to slice through the end of it and filet poor Rafael and there will be blood in the water both literally and figuratively, but I don't mention this to the boys - both of whom are watching now.  Finally I give that up and go in search of a sharper knife.  I go through a few options discarding them as I went - too big, too unwieldy, not sharp enough, until finally I had an aha moment.  I have jewery making tools upstairs and there is a wire cutting thingy in the shape of a small pair of pliers - this should work.  I dry the arms (for the 27th time) find the tool and head back to work.  It's like surgery - I have to get it in there just so - so as not to pinch (read: cut into ribbons) the fish, but still cut off the offending barnacle.  I get it in place and squeeze it home and viola!  It snapps off and Raphael can move!!! No blood!!  I tell Teddy he's free and the poor boy bursts into more tears.  Poor guy!!! 

Okay - let's see what we can do to salvage the schedule - Run downstairs, get the boys to get their bags packed, finish lunches, finish packing my lunch, make my chai, and all the while.... my beloved dog is barking at us - please don't leave me, please don't leave me, please don't leave me, please don't leave me, please don't leave me.  All we hear, though, is barkbarkbarkbarkbarkbarkbarkbark breathe barkbarkbarkbarkbarkbarkbarkbarkbark breathe barkbarkbarkbarkbarkbarkbarkbarkbarkbark breathe rinse lather repeate.  Finally I can't take any more of it and I snap.

WILL YOU SHUT THE FUCK UP (as I'm storming after the dog with my fist raised) IF YOU DON'T FUCKING STOP BARKING, I'M GOING TO FUCKING KILL YOU DEAD, DO YOU FUCKING UNDERSTAND ME YOU LITTLE FUCKER??

I'm sort of consious of the rest of the world enough to notice my cute little 10 year old looking up at his nearly 13 year old brother with glee in his eyes as if to say - Man, I love it when mom cracks.  He was full out laughing by the time I'd finished yelling at the dog.  The dog wisely hid under the table for at least 30 seconds before he started barking again.

Have a lovely day!

8 comments:

Laura Belle said...

oh my holy hell you make me laugh so hard. not to say that I'm laughing at you...i'm laughing with you! hehe. You have such a way of telling a story it just kills me.

But you saved the day. Saved the fish, made your son smile (then double smile when you cracked), and out the door without any major tragedies!

All in all a successful morning, i'd say!

Dawnya said...

I'm sorry. I can't help but laugh. This stuff always happens when Brad is gone. But I swear...the threatening the life of the dog was priceless. Your son laughing at you crack...even better.

My suggestion is that you place a video camera on a tripod and keep it going around your house. This stuff needs to be captured on film.

♫ Drazil ♪ said...

OMG - I was on the edge of my seat with the fish story.....ha! xoxo

Ronnie said...

Oh my! I agree with Draz, I was on the edge of the couch pillow. lol Super mom to the rescue.

You're lucky that you only yelled that at your dog - I'm pretty sure I yelled some variation of that at my children earlier today.

Manda said...

LOL @ the dog situation. I was so scared you were gonna cut the fish. Awesome job! Hope you made it to work on time.

Cat said...

HAHAHA! Awww, Read, I actually had to read the fish story outloud to my hubby. and the dog part too by the way because we have a little dachshund who barks NONstop when he feels there is a need to (which is often) You make me laugh so hard! I hope your schedule wasn't too destroyed!

Robyn's Nest said...

Read, Thank you for my evening laugh. I needed it.
Priceless

Becky said...

Lol! That was a great story! You're a hero I tell you!