I love my son, I really do. He’s amazing in so many ways. But man… sometimes I just want to ______________ … well, all you mom’s out there can easily fill in the blank I would imagine.
So here’s my latest amusement with him. We got him a phone before we went to Disney World last fall. He was in his second year of middle school and we’d always figured this would be about the time to get him one; way more for our convenience than for his. He does lots of things after school and stays home alone – stuff like that. BUT… he’s a space cadet and I didn’t feel he was yet ready. I was prepared to give it to him when it made my life easier, but not yet ready to give it to him all the time. He of course balked at this but eh.. he can balk all he wants. So he has it at Disney and that’s a good thing. And we give it to him here and there for this and that and that’s a good thing. He has it at home and enjoys texting his friends and that’s a fine thing. And then he loses it.
Seriously buddy you can’t find your phone? Of course he can’t, right? Well dear this proves my point that you are not ready for the responsibility of a phone. He searches and he searches and he searches. It can not be found. It’s gone. He’s sure either Brad or I have it. He’s concocted a story in his brain how we took it away from him one day and it was during that period of time that it went missing… which of course means it’s all our fault and as usual he’s completely blameless. Yes dear, I hear you.
The phone went missing months ago. I don’t remember how many, but at least three. It’s been long enough that I was suspecting it wasn’t going to just turn up one of these days as I’d initially suspected it would. Brad and I had even gone so far as to have a couple of conversations about buying a new phone, which he’d have to pay for of course. There have been a few times where I’d have felt better if he’d had a phone and I could have contacted him if need be.
And then… last night I’m in his room at bedtime and we’re having a grand ol’ time farting around before he went down for the night. Bandit The Wonder Dog (BTWD) started pawing through the debris on the floor in front of his closet looking for a ball that wasn’t there. Teddy kept picking stuff up; a shirt, a stuffed animal, legos.. “is this what you want Bandit?” (Before I go further, Teddy cleans his room relatively well at least every other week and it’s not too bad in the in between stages. He manages (sometimes with parental help) to get his dirty clothes into the laundry each weekend and he manages to get his floor free of debris for it to be vacuumed) But still…. It turns out that BTWD wants the 4 foot tall kangaroo that’s lying on the floor in front of the closet; Kenny the Kangaroo (and I do mean 'wants').
Apparently Bandit was quite enamored with Kenny and felt he must show Kenny about his love in a very physical way. Repeatedly. Again and again. Over and over. He first tried going at it doggy style (all puns intended) but that was obviously not good enough as he then managed (I kid you not) to roll Kenny onto his back. Kenny is easily 4 times the size of Bandit, probably more and that little wonder dog got Kenny up and over onto his back as clearly Bandit prefers the missionary position. Who knew?? Teddy meanwhile can’t breathe he’s laughing so hard. It was one of the funniest conversations Teddy and I have ever had because Teddy was worried I wouldn’t let nature take it’s course right there in the middle of the room, but I was more than happy to watch the show and Ted didn’t know what was funnier that Bandit was humping Kenny like there’s no tomorrow or that I was watching it with him. Either way – it was a riot.
But, I digress… Before Teddy gave Kenny over to Bandit’s loving (cough cough) caresses. He lifted Kenny to a standing position and there sitting on the floor was his fucking phone.
Ted: OMG look Mom, I found my phone! Yay, I’m so happy, I found my phone!!
Me: (in an eerily calm voice) Give it to me.
Ted: Look, can you believe it! Woo Hoo!!
Me: Give it to me (hand extended)
Ted: (beginning to look worried) isn’t it great? I found my phone!!
Me: Give it to me.
Finally he did and I slipped it into my pocket and didn’t say a word.
Ted: But wait, give me my phone.
Me: Time for bed.
Ted: Hey! I want my phone.
Me: (very, very calmly which you know is a sure sign of trouble). It’s been sitting on your floor all this time. Right there under Kenny. A single lift with your pinky would have shown it to you. (changing to a Teddy impersonation) I searched and searched and searched and I can’t find it. It’s not in my room – period. (he actually says period). It’s time for bed.
Ted: (all dejected) Will I ever get my phone back.Me: I have no idea.