bad parenting, the massacre, and us

More evidence of our parenting…

So – Jackson’s head is healing nicely and this is a good thing.  I’m wildly anal about making sure there is sunscreen on his scar at all times.  There are sticks of sunscreen in my purse, his backpack, his baseball bag, and both our cars in addition to the plentiful supply I have in the house.  On Saturday before Jackson had a football game followed by a golf outing with our friend Jamie and Brad and Teddy I put sunscreen on the scar and then headed out to take Teddy to his baseball game.  We met up for lunch between the games and golf and I reminded him and Brad to put more sunscreen on before they went golfing – okay all taken care of, right?  Yeah well.  His scar was white as a ghost at the end of the day but the rest of his face, a vee in his chest and his legs were, however, burnt to a crisp.  Oops.  Poor boy.

The mutant ninja massacre

Wow am I lucky or what?  All three boys went golfing on Saturday and I got to have the house to myself for several house.  It was bliss.  Okay, well… it was going to be bliss.  Seriously.  I even had a small mountain of laundry to do, and I was completely excited about cranking up the tunes and cranking it out while I had The.  House.  To.  Myself!!  Best laid plans and all…

So, there I am, first load in, tunes blaring away, I’m singing at the top of my lungs.  All is right with the world.  I’m wandering around cleaning this, putting that away, thinking of napping, thinking of reading.  You know how it is.  I decide I need some water; I’m suddenly not drinking enough water especially on the weekends.  I practically skip down the stairs and into the kitchen when something out of place catches my eye in the family room.  Our house is really open so you can basically see into all rooms at all times and there’s something scattered on the family room floor.

This isn’t the big surprise it should be.  Have you met my children?  Okay, well maybe not, but let me tell you they are messy little things.  And then there’s the dog – who I’m sure I’ve mentioned I don’t love.  If Bandit gets pissed he gets destructive.  It’s usually some poor hapless stuffed animal and we find tufts of stuffing flung around the house in little piles.  Based on what I’m seeing out of the corner of my eye, I’m thinking I’m going to have Bandit to thank for what I’m about to clean up.  Eh.. I’m alone, life it good.  Bandit can not ruin my mood.

Okay, I was wrong about that.  Big sigh, let’s go pick up whatever needs picking up and move on, shall we… Okay, not so fast.  My behated dog (that’s a new word and it’s maybe my new favorite) has systematically dismembered a turtle - and unfortunately not one of the stuffed persuasion - on the floor of my family room.  There were blood and guts and shell pieces all over the floor.  Every where I looked my horror increased.  It was the single most vile thing I’ve ever seen in my life – but a fair margin.

I am not a typical girl in most situations.  Generally I just roll up my sleeves and do what needs doing.  I’m here to tell you, I met my limit.  I was a total girl.  I started flapping my arms and saying; Oh my God, Oh my God, Oh my God.  I finally got enough of a hold of myself to get the dog locked outside and to keep from totally losing my cookies.  Then I did what any self respecting girl would do… I went upstairs and hid.  I called Brad and was not surprised to get his voice mail as they were golfing.  I waited a while and called him back and left a very simple, if extremely flat voiced message.  “I need you to call my at your earliest convenience.” 

Of course Brad didn’t get the message until he had pulled into the driveway, but upon hearing how I sounded he called immediately and sent the boys to play instead of letting them come inside.  I told him I’d be right down and once there apologized for being a complete girl (which is new) and explained how I needed him to be the man (which he has no problem with).  He did his best to calm the strange zombie like creature in front of him before he went inside.

He later described it as similar to cleaning a crime scene which I’m hopeful he only knows from watching TV and not from first hand experience, though we’re never ever going to speak of it again so I will never know.

Anyone want a used Jack Russell Terrier?  He’s really cute, I swear he is.

And finally... a family picture

Taken on Easter and not so good of me cuz I’m all leaned back on the slouchy couch – but aren’t my boys cutie-pies???

The ipad as crack, funky servers, and starvation recovery

I've been totally absent and that's never good for me.  Here's a few things to catch up.

The ipad as crack
It's an amazing thing.  I'm sure that's true, though I don't know this from first hand experience.  I got Brad one for his birthday.  It was a great present because he wanted one so badly and he thought I was goign to put up a real fight about it.  The problem is its crack-like properties.  It's only been in the house for a week and already all three males are completely addicted.  As an example Jackson comes into my room at 6am this morning.  Brad and I were still sleeping.  He marches over to my side of the bed (cuz he's nobody's fool and knows not to poke the sleeping bear on the other side of the bed) and immediately starts whining.
Jack: Mo-om, Teddy got up at 4 and has been playing the ipad the whole time don't you think it should be my turn now?
Me: uh... what?
Jack: It's not fair.  He set his alarm for 4 and he's been playing this whole time.  (let me break in here and say it normally takes an act of congress to get Teddy out of bed)
Me: I'm sleeping here, is it fair that you just came in and woke me because you want to play a video game?
He left with his tail between his legs because as I said - he's no fool.

But... this isn't the first time.  Clearly I am the fool as it's taken me this long to think about doing something about this powerful drug in our home.  Earlier this week, they both together slammed into my room looking for the damn thing (again this means that Teddy was up before anyone bodily pulled him from the bed) waking me before they slammed out again.  There's been constant whining and fighting about the need to get their fix - even Brad has gotten in on it. 

Of course here's the best part.... Teddy gets up at 4am this morning and discovers his eye all gunked up and uncomfortable, what does my very bright boy (who's now taller than me by the way) do???  He wipes it off and desparately makes his way to get his fix on.  Phew, that was close.  He gets his soccer game up and he's finally able to get the shakes under control, even if he can't completely see the screen.  Does he mention his eye problems to his parents this morning? No.  No he does not.  Does he think about possibly spreading whatever he's got that caused said gunk?  No he does not.  So he happily heads off to school high on the soccer game and hands over the ipad to his brother (who's not doing his homework by the way!!) who happily gets his shakes under control with Angry Birds.  Teddy gets to school and realizes his eye is really still bothering him.  So... now our brain trust tells his teacher - I think I've got pink eye.  He was home within the hour.  After Jackson got his fix on and Brad got his as well.  My hypocondriac husband immediately complained of eye problems. 

Our CFO is gone
He's in Ireland for two weeks where his son is studying abroad.  I'm so thrilled for him I can't stand it.  While he's gone, of course, I take care of whatever he might have handled.  This wouldn't be a problem if he wasn't also our IT Manager.  He just happens to have a personal affinity for it and we are lucky to have someone so capable of wearing two such distinct hats.  I've been the number two IT person for years and for the most part have the company fooled about my abilities.  I can talk a good game and know who to call who can walk me through whatever needs to be handled - but the reality is - I'm mostly freakin clueless.

Normally things run very smoothly and and I'm just making sure the back ups work properly.  No biggie.  Yeah, well in these two weeks we've had 4 seperate servers go down, been attacked by man eating viruses, had to shut part of or the whole system down multiple times, had two computers have to be taken out of the building to be repaired or rebuilt and about a million other things that I can't remember at the moment.  Any thought of doing any part of my job was killed very early last week.  I've met every single employee of our outside IT consultant firm; I'm hosting a happy hour tonight.

Oh and now the President has gone away for two days.  Yippee... Seriously.  And today is monthend.  What am I doing?  Am I doing one of the million things that I need to get done before I leave tonight??  Uh that would be a no - I'm blogging.  Cuz, as I've previously pointed out - I'm a fool.

Emerging from starvation
Dramatic much?  So - I couldn't eat for a week or so when I was overfilled.  And then miraculously I could eat.  And let me tell you I have been taking full advantage of that fact.  I have been eating like there is no tomorrow, with seemingly no ability to rein myself in.  For the first several days I swear it was like my band was wide opened.  I know it's all on me - but there was not the slightest peep out of that little thing.  I went from not being able to drink anything thicker than water most days to being able to eat truly anything that I tried.  I swear I could hear Gilly's voice in my head warning me not to eat more than 1 cup of anything and that is probably the only thing that saved my band from literally being blow right out of my body.  I can't say I always managed to follow that advice - but there's no doubt I at least took some breaks in my gluttony.  It took until last night for my brain to really kick in.  I was shopping and was able to fit into cute clothes and I even tried on a size 1X shirt because it was clingy and cute so I thought it might be good on me.  Uh.. it looked completely ridiculous - way, way too big, like a cute green potato sack.  It was a lovely thing to look so stupid in that size.

I hope all is well with everyone and I look forward to being more connected!!

BYOC!!! Bring Your Own Crazy!!

First off... Followers.  Oh. My. God.  I have 133.  I can't believe that and I can't tell you how much I appreciate the love and support I get from all of you.  Though the flip side of that is I lost another follower, I used to have 134.  Boo Hoo.  But seriously - fuck 'em - obviously they are missing out on the party.

Okay on to BYOC - I know I need some fun after my last week of starvation - I can't tell you how fantastic my mood is and it's all because I had some potatoes last night and some chai latte this morning!!!  OMG!!!  What a difference some food can make.

Post on your own blog if you wish and ENJOY!

1. In the spirit of Easter – tell me – what is your all time favorite Easter candy?

Definitely Reese's peanut butter eggs.  They are the perfect candy - the proportions of chocolate to peanut butter is sheer perfection!!!

  

2. What is your Zodiac sign?

I'm a Taurus and I've been told I'm a pretty damn typical taurus - stubborn as hell.

3. Are you holding on to something you should let go of?

I'm sure I am, aren't we all - or we wouldn't have this extra weight, right? (well okay I speak for me and my extra weight).  As a previously impervious substance I really wasn't able to identify things that I might be holding on to as I really didn't let things touch me - though I suspect it was touching me on some level.  As a currently strong substance I can see what I've got and I'm doing a pretty damn good job of letting stuff go.  It's still a really hard balancing act for me though, as I really struggle with what things are important - feeling wise - and what things aren't.  I absolutely need some remedial training in the feelings department.  I've gotten as far as - I think they're good things to have.  I think they are big deals.  But - when I have feelings about my husband or sister or other important people in my life - it's very hard for me to know what to do about them.  Is this the kind of thing that's really important and I should be listening to and making decisions about - or is this the kind of thing that's a sign that we need to deal with soemthing - or is this the kind of thing that I should just shrug off because it's just not that big a deal.  Perhaps in Chicago we could have Remedial emotions 101.  I'll bring the vodka.

4. What are three “nevers” you follow in your life?

Jesus God, Draz!!!

Nevers?  Man this has me totally stumped.

-Never tell a lie you care if you get caught in
-Never make big sweeping decisions when you are full of powerful emotions (or powerful hormones) that could effect said decisions
-Never burn bridges that you could possible need at some point in the future


5. Repeat question: Summarize your week in blog land and in real life.

Real life - well holy shit - I didn't know how miserable I was until I could eat again.  I kept thinking it would get better, but oh my God.  I just ate the rest of my chicken salad paste and it was just miraculous to be able to just eat a spoonful and not worry that I was going to throw it up.  I had chai latte this morning - that has milk in it and it was morning - who knew being able to start your day off with a yummy warm liquid could make such a huge difference in the quality of your life? 

In Blogland - I've been so consumed with my starvation diet that I wasn't a very good blogger friend.  I read a few posts and I commented a few times, but I have a lot to catch up on!!  Your support, however, during this past week has been just flat out amazing.  I can't tell you how much I appreciate it!!  Thank you very, very, much.

Sweet Relief and unnecessary blow jobs

After quite a few calls I was finally able to get in for an unfill today.  Before I even got in there I’m talking to the nurse and she’s asking me how it’s been and what I’ve been eating and I tell her how last night after only managing to get in 4oz of my patent pending chicken salad paste throughout the entire day, I had some ice cream at night.  (At the time I was thinking… man I need some calories in me or I’m going to not be able to do a damn thing tomorrow – as I have very recent experience with too many days in a row with not enough calories).  The point to my story to the nurse was – I threw up the ice cream.  Now seriously folks – you know you’re tight when you can’t even eat fucking ice cream.  It didn’t even have any kind of chunks in it.  Do you know what this woman had the gall to say to me???  “Now, Read, what are you doing eating ice cream?”

Oh for fuck’s sake!!  What?  Now that I have a band I can’t eat ice cream?? And of course this is after she’s just recorded a 7lb loss since the last time I was in the office.  I calmly explained about the calories and whatnot and she was somewhat appeased. 

When Dr. Do-little finally came in he seemed completely perplexed at my need as he said – watching the fluid go down my band it was clear I had plenty of room for more fluid, thus his initial intention to give me 1.5cc, though I had talked him down to only .5cc.  Luckily I had had sufficient time to build up a solid body of evidence that I indeed had done what I should have done and I was still, despite his superior knowledge of how the band works inside my body, too tight. 

I told him I was hopeful he’d do what he did last time and take out half of what he’d put in.  He got me up on the bed thingy and I asked him how much he was going to take out, a quarter of a cc??  And he said – well, I can only really take out a half a cc because any less…. (and he trailed off.)  I said – would you try to take out only a quarter???  (looking hopeful and willing to give him a blow job at the same time).  He said he’d try.

I didn’t say another word – completely confident that what he’d not said was that anything less than a half a cc was stupid.  I figured if I had that conversation with him before he took any out, there was no way he’d do less than the half a cc.  He said he took out a little more than a quarter of a cc (I’m guessing my willing to give a blow job look totally worked).

So then I asked him.. So, you only work in increments of a half a cc?  Yeah, really to do anything smaller than that has absolutely no effect.  OMG – that makes no sense on so very many different levels I didn’t even have a response.  Well finally I said – I have quite a few successfully banded friends (that would be all of  you guys) who would strongly disagree.  He scoffed.  He really did.  An actual scoff.  He said a .1cc adjustment on a large volume, low resistance band such as I had would make no actual difference.  It’s impossible.  The only difference it could make would be in your head.  I said – don’t discount the difference in your head, ever heard of a placebo?  So to all you out there who have said that a .1, .2, .3, or .4cc adjustment has been just the trick - clearly you are insane.  You don't know your body at all and it's all just been in your head.  Aren't you glad you know that now?  Phew!

But seriously people.  Who decided 5cc was the smallest amount that would work (no I don’t for a second think he’s right – this is some of the fruitless conversation I had with him in my head)  And what was the tipping point.  Um .1cc, nope that didn’t do a thing, .2cc – nope.  .3cc – nope, .4cc – nope, .5cc – okay, yup there we have it – a measurable difference.  Measurable to whom?  Has he ever heard of physics?  Okay but seriously that was the breaking point for me.  Not the blow jobs I’ve had to give him, or the souls I’ve lost along the way.  Or the meaningful way I lick his shoes.  It was the utter belief he had that anything less than .5cc was useless. 

I mean let’s just look at me in the last week, shall we.  .5cc ago I could eat a small cow, the fluid just flew down my band as he saw.  But add the .5cc and I often had trouble swallowing my own spit.  But apparently there’s nothing in the middle.  It’s either the small cow or the no swallowing period.  Swallowing – that’s really the only reason he took any out at all.  He likes that I swallow.  It makes explaining what we do behind closed doors much easier when there’s no thick and gloppy evidence left lying about.

I think the nurses “What are you doing eating ice cream” comment didn’t help much either. 

The end result of course is that – oh sweet Jesus.  I can swallow again.  I had only managed 16 oz of water by 3pm and nothing else at all so as soon as I got to my car I drank a Special K protein shake down (slowly, being careful).  Thank the heavenly lord above – no issues.  Then I even stopped at Chick-fil-a and got a small cookies and cream milk shake – Yummo!  Yup, I am drinking a fucking milk shake and am damn happy I am.  Did I mention I threw up ice cream, ice cream for God’s sake, last night?

Now I no longer feel all hollowed out and I won’t have to perform any more unnecessary blow jobs. 

Too tight???, chicken paste, and an NSV

So.... I called my doctor's office this morning to report being too tight.  Well, let me back track a bit with a quick trip down memory lane.

Thursday - the day of the fill - I probably managed to get 10oz of water to stay down.  I threw plenty of it up along the way and first learned all about being the foam machine I'd previously only heard of.

Friday - I got about 30oz of water in, including some protein powder mixed in there, but probably ended the day with less than 200 calories. (which was way more than Thursday)  Found warm water was more doable than cold.  Still plenty of throwing up along the way.

Saturday - I created a priority list - vitamins first, protein 2nd, calories 3rd.  I got the vitamins in and much more protein and liquid - I probably got close to 64oz of liquid and it included some milk or milk based protein shakes (which were not an option on the previous two days) and even managed to get close to 500 calories in.  No getting sick.

Sunday - I was much better.  I was so drained on Saturday that I was really concentrating on calories.  I made this totally caloric chocolate peanut butter protein shake - yumm!!  And that soooo helped!  And then I was able to have some soup and some soupy mashed potatoes.  It actually felt like I could have had more, but I was too afraid to try.  No getting sick and I totally had way more calories than I would normally eat in a day - but that was an easy peasy choice as I felt human for the first time in days!!

So - I call the doctor and leave a message and the nurse calls me back - I tell her I think I'm too tight and this is why - I go on to describe in detail what I've laid out above and to my utter shock she said - well... you're not throwing up liquids anymore - maybe that prolonged your inflammation, let's wait and see how you do over the next day or so.  We'll have to decide soon though as the doctor is away next week.  I told her in no uncertain terms that only being able to eat soupy mashed potatoes was not how I wanted to live my life, but ultimately I was totally game to give it a try - I figured the worst that could happen is I'd lose a little more weight.  Or maybe I'd find I this is okay - either way I'll call back tomorrow or Wednesday and make a decision - I'm confident they'll take some out if I want - hell I can always tell them I'm throwing up water again.

So today - I found I couldn't really eat yogurt all that well.  Though if I'm honest, I've had issues with yogurt for a long while.  I can always get it down, but if I'm not careful it can cause discomfort.  I've always assumed it was just cuz yogurt is so thick and likely to coat everything.  But - OH HOLY HELL I am so not hungry.  Like seriously not hungry at all.  It's completely fascinating.

I was swamped at work today so that was probably part of it - but it came as a total shock at about 2:30 when my stomach growled.  I'd had a chai latte (which I had no problems getting down) in the morning and that was it.  So I opened my chobani yogurt and I threw the last quarter of the thing away at the end of the day.  But - once I got a few bites in me, my stomach was fine and I never "felt" hungry - or rather - "thought" I was hungry.  I got home - completely determined to get enough liquid, protein and calories in me because obviously that is so not enough.  And I made some chicken salad that I wanted to make mushier than normal... uh... I sort of ended up making chicken paste.  I swear it tastes good and it was easy to eat - much, much easier than the yogurt.  So tomorrow I'm going to try different things that are not yogurt and see where I am.  I'll absolutely have to try something solid cuz I have no interest whatsoever in only living on protein shakes and chicken paste - but, I'm encouraged by how easy the chicken shit was to eat.

I'm still thinking I'll be getting the unfill - but maybe I'll try to convince him on a smaller amount than I was originally thinking.  This not being hungry thing - that's damn cool!!

Oh - and on the scale front - I gained 2 lbs from Sunday morning to Monday morning and I still lost 7.2 lbs from last Monday to this Monday.  I'm not sure I'd recommend the starvation diet to anyone - but it certainly produced results.  I've only updated my ticker to reflect the loss before the fill - I figured I should wait and see how the rest all shakes out.

And finally a little NSV.  I'm going to NOLA for JazzFest in a couple of weeks or so and I've been trying on shorts and tops to see what will work on this year's body vs. last year's.  And today I put on a pair of shorts that I thought were super cute last year and when I ran down the steps...  they fell down.  Oops.  I guess I won't be bringing them down south.

Strong vs. Impervious

I'm sitting here watching Bones from about a month ago and Bones just succinctly summed up my life.  I'm sort of stunned at the moment, but she got it perfectly.  Perhaps this is why Ive always liked her so much??  Bones and Booth are talking about the possibility of one day being together;

Bones: I am improving.  I am quite strong.
Booth: Yeah, well you've always been quite strong.
Bones: You know the difference between strength and imperviousness, right? ... A substance that is impervious to damage doesn't need to be strong.  When you and I met I was an impervious substance, now I am a strong substance. ... A time could come when you aren't angry anymore and I'm strong enough to risk losing the last of my imperviousness, maybe then we could try to be together.

I've been working on something - being more present, more in-touch, more touchable for a while now - years really.  I've made great strides in this but I've recently been thinking about what's different.  I mean I always seemed strong.. well it's more that the persona that I used to be is not all that different than the person I am now, only now it's honest.  Now, it is me.  The difference internally though, is quite profound.  I was always such a facade.  There was nothing else - I spent all my time and energy surviving from one interaction to the next.  Always second guessing whether I did that one right or would screw up the next one.  I was the consummate actor and could be whatever anyone needed in a given situation - as long as what was needed didn't draw too much actual attention.  Just enough to make people think they'd seen and spoken to me - not enough for them to actually see and speak to me.  I'm sure this makes no sense whatsoever to anyone but me - but - I'm just so damn struck by what Bones said.

I was absolutely impervious.

Impervious: 

1.  not permitting penetration or passage; impenetrable: The coat is impervious torain.

2.  incapable of being injured or impaired: impervious to wear and tear.

3.  incapable of being influenced, persuaded, or affected: impervious to reason; impervious to another's suffering

I  - the real me - was completely untouchable.  I went through the motions.  I did things, I went to parties, I had plenty of meaningless yet fun sex.  I had friends.  But none of it was real.  I kept it all on the surface - I was a great listener and a phenomenal distracter if the spotlight seemed to move towards me.  There was always an excuse not to really talk about me - the real stuff anyway.  I didn't let anyone near me.  (of course somewhere in there I met Brad and he somehow found a chink in the armor and I recognized him because of that - and no, I don't know what to make of that).  But anyone who knew me then would have described me as strong and in charge and fully engaged and I so completely and utterly wasn't.  And now.. I think people would likely describe me similarly but the difference is huge.  And I've been trying to understand what that really means - how it could be so different and yet not seem that way.  And it's this whole imperviousness thing.  "A substance that is impervious doesn't need to be strong"  I was so not strong then - but I'm so much closer to being strong now.  Hell, I'll own it - I am strong.  But I don't think I'm quite strong enough to risk losing the rest of my imperviousness yet.  But it's coming, and I can wait.  

I don't know what's going to happen next.  I don't know what my future is going to look like - but I know I'm strong enough to face it. (I think).

Who knew how important water was????

Not just to, you know, sustain life and all – but to your general mood.  On Thursday, the day of my fill, after working diligently all day long at getting in enough liquid – right through to 1am, I managed to get in probably 10-12 oz.  And man was I feeling it.  My head hurt, my mouth was uncomfortably dry, and my lips were chapped.  And this was one frickin day.  My mood sucked too.  Frankly I was frightened that I had made a mistake by not calling the doctor on Thursday since I knew that meant I couldn’t call him until Monday.  

But then today I managed to finish a 16 oz bottle of water by 10:30am.  It did have to be warm water – but warm was definitely an easy trade off for me!  I can’t tell you how frickin excited I was by this.  It’s the little things in life, isn't it?  The fact that it was morning and I was able to consume anything gave me hope that food will one day be an option too – LOL.

Of course, at best I got another 16 oz in throughout the rest of the day.  Not much protein at all, but I'm no longer dying of thirst which is a good thing.  I have truly no idea whether this is still some residual inflammation as I always do 2 days of liquids and 2 days of mushies after a fill so I've never pushed it to see.  But there's no doubt I'm definitely tighter than I've ever been and if it keeps feeling like this - this is not sustainable.  Every single time I drink something I burp a little (well unless I don't which means it's coming back up).  And every single time I burp I say, out loud, 'thank you' to the burping gods for keeping things moving.  I tried to drink some chai latte at about 1 and while it didn't come back up - I had to give up trying after a couple of ounces.  It was just taking way too much concentration.  Later some water with protein powder and vitamins did come back up a little, but I was eventually able to start sipping again.  I even managed to get 1/2 of a milk based protein shake down this evening.  I lost 2.2 lbs yesterday and I expect there'll be another loss recorded tomorrow morning. 

There's no way I could have even thought about anything thicker or harder than milk today so I'm thinking this weekend may very well end up all liquids - but here's hoping I can move up to... pudding, or soupy mashed potatoes or even soup.


I hate hate hate the idea of having to go back to idiot boy to justify an unfill so I'm really hoping that this is just residual inflammation and tomorrow will be a little better just like today was a little better.  The upside, of course, is this quick weight loss surge has brought me to my lowest point in about four years and it's right here at the end of the spring challenge; so that's a nice little happenstance.