A review of my 2011 intentions list....

And again I find myself following Drazil's lead.  She reviewed her progress on her list of intentions and I thought that was a perfect kind of thing to do.  This is the first time I've ever stated, even to myself, any kind of resolution (no freaking way) or as I copied off someone, likely Draz, explicit intentions and it's all part of a greater push to be more true to me in every way and I really like the idea (though on some level it scares me shitless) of checking in with them every so often.  I will say as I read them through, that I still think these were the right 5 to commit to paper, so I feel pretty good about just that!

So here goes...   

1. Work on simplifying my life.  Purge those things I don't love or don't need.

I think I'm doing okay on this one.  I have a nice, pretty, good sized basket on the floor in my bedroom where I am continuously throwing stuff in there that I want out of my house.  And we then have these two organizations AmVets and something else that call us every couple of weeks or so asking for donations and I have a bag or two for them every single time.  So, slowly but surely I think I'm heading in the right direction.

2. I want to let out Betty, my inner neat freak, without getting all obsessive about it.

I think this one is going pretty well, as well.  I have the kids doing their chores each week, but I'm not freaking out about it.  We're easing into it and everyone's being pretty receptive to it.  I do think having a new basement area in which to throw all things kid is certainly helping a great deal!!

3. I want to lose a bunch of weight, specifically stepping up my efforts to get to 175.

I'd say I've not been very successful with this.  On Jan. 1st I weighed 197.8 and on Friday I weighed 189.6 which is a loss of 9.1 lbs in two months.  I do think that in the last couple of weeks I've turned half a page.  Given the visit by my evil alter ego this weekend, I'm not ready to claim the whole page just yet - but I do feel like I'm kicking into the right gear here.  Hopefully that's true.

4. I want to get back to the workout mama I used to be.  

I'm doing pretty well with this, though it took a while to really get going.  I'm doing the same thing I did before to really get myself committed - and that's slow and steady.  I up my goal of exercise time each week, VERY, VERY SLOWLY.  The goal started out as 4 times per week of at least 30 minutes each time on the treadmill.  And each week, I up it by 1 minute.  This week it's up to 36 min per time, still 4 times.  I very often go over the time.  I can't skip more than 2 days in a row and I also won't do 7 days in a week - I'm way too afraid of getting obsessive about it.  But I will count this as a success.

 5. I want to have a better sense of what I want from my husband and marriage.  

I'm not sure how this is going.  It's definitely much, much, much less stressful in my house and I can't tell you how amazing that is.  He's definitely being very attentive and doing a good job of checking in with me about things which is very good and very important.  I'm very comfortable 'in' my own decision to not leave at this time so I think that's relieved a certain amount of the pressure all on its own.  But I'm not sure anything real has been addressed or discussed.  We need to go to counseling and he needs to make that happen, so this is still a work in progress.

So.. there's my first review.  I'll definitely do it again!!  I hope to see continued progress on all of them.

My beautiful little boy...

When Brad’s in town he handles the kids in the mornings.  It helps him get up and going as he works from home when not traveling which he does about 1/3 of the time.  Brad’s gone through Wednesday so the annoying, suck-the-life-out-of-me delightful, best-things-in-my-life kids are all mine (again I can’t stress enough how in awe I am with single parents).  When it’s me in the morning I get Ted out of the house to the bus by about 7:25ish and then usually Jack is chomping at the bit to leave right behind him because he LOVES morning care at his school.  This is great for me as I’m out of the mom business quickly I’m not only always on time to work when Brad’s out of town, but I’m usually early – Bonus!

This morning for the first time ever, I attempted to get on the treadmill in the morning while I have morning kid duty.  I usually do it in the afternoons if Brad’s away, but I thought I’d give it a try, with at least a quick trip on the treadmill this morning.  (and I’m planning on trying my zumba discs tonight with the kids, I’m thinking it’ll be fun, I’ll get some more exercise and hopefully it’ll keep me from killing them.)

Anyway – I’m up and on the treadmill by 6 which was cutting it a little close, but I figured I’d do 36 minutes (my current session minimum – it increases by 1 minute each week, though I almost always do more than the minimum) and all would be well.  It worked out fine, though it was seriously hard to even get through that much for some reason this morning – but it is what it is.  Got Ted, who never met a morning he didn’t despise which is extra special given his burgeoning teenage hormones, up and out with little issues.  Was running a little behind, but no real problems.  Just going to throw some makeup on my face then pack my lunch and we’re off.  Jackson comes into my bathroom at about 7:45.

Jack: Mom, I need a picture of Ben Roethlisberger.

Me: Um… now?

J: yeah.

M: It’s too late now, you should have told me earlier.

J: But I have to have it

M: (putting on mascara and silently cursing the gods) Why do you need it?

J: For my hero paper

M: (Oh Jesus Fucking Christ! Deep breath, smile openly at my young son.)  You picked Ben Roethlisberger as your hero for a paper?

J: yeah (My baby of such eloquence)

M: Honey, Ben is not the right guy to be your hero.  He’s not a good enough man.  He’s a great football player, but definitely not hero material. (no way are we having a discussion about sexual assault before 8am on a Tuesday).

J: (near tears) But I’ve already written the paper and I need a picture.

C: (showing considerable restraint) Babe, we are usually gone by now and you pick this moment to tell me you need a picture?  You should have told me last night.

J: (eyes now spilling over) I keeeeeep fooooorrrgeetttiing.

C: (Oh dear God, seriously, we’re going to have crying over fucking idiot boy Roethlisberger).  Before we leave, I’ve got to make my lunch, finish getting the house ready for the cleaners, pull out the sheets and get your lunch ready and finish putting my makeup on (which was really done, but still, I was annoyed) and now you want me to add finding and printing an appropriate picture to the list in the next 7 minutes?

J: I could find the picture

C: No, you can go make sure there’s nothing on the ground the cleaners might suck up in the vacuum.

Picture found and printed, house readied, lunches made – grab the picture off the downstairs printer…. And it only printed the top fifth of the picture.  Fuck fuck fuckity fuck.  Do not yell at the boy, the printer problem is not his fault.  (The printer(s) and my Mac have never been friends and have caused many a gray hair – but Brad assured me it was all fixed before he left.)  Just then as I’m running back upstairs to the laptop to see what the problem was Brad called.  Seriously honey – I don’t have time for you now – the printer stopped and Jack needs a fucking picture.  I dispense with Brad and wheel around to run upstairs to try printing again and my cute little boy, sensing his mommy’s frustration says.  Well, I don’t really need it today.

Me: (I’m not sure why he thought this would lower my stress level) Uh.. .WHAT?!?  I’ve been running around looking for, finding, then fighting with the printer about a picture you don’t really need, and now you mention you don’t need it?  Seriously?

J: Well I don’t think I have to bring it in today?

M: (with a fake, plastic smile on my face which is what kept me from lunging at him) When might it be due?

J: I’m not sure, but most everybody else already brought theirs in.

M: (said in the sing-song voice used by those who inhabit insane asylums for long periods of time) It’s okay dear, I’ll just get that printer working and we’ll get  you your picture and we’ll be off.  Is that okay dear?  Oh and PICK UP THE PAPER AND THE LEASH. (smiling again) Okay, I’ll be right back sweetie. 

Do you have an evil alter ego?

Do you ever get the feeling you’ve been possessed by a hungry, less sane person than yourself?  One who can ignore all your (the sane one) admonitions that eating one more bite (or 236) is too much?  One who thinks nothing of having peanut clusters before breakfast?  One who stupidly goes grocery shopping while starved and buys a cake mix – just for the hell of it?  One who has a couple of bites – protein first – of the huge cobb salad she bought for lunch and proceeds to throw them back up… But… continues to eat every single bite?  One who’s so full she’s wildly uncomfortable, nearly doubled over as she’s scouring the kitchen for something sugar filled to eat?  One who flat out ignores that there is a medical device implanted inside your body to help keep you from massively overeating?  One who has a very excited a-ha moment when she remembers there is a cake mix and quickly makes the cake batter before anyone can come and remind her that she’s full to the point of bursting?  One who sits down with a spoon with the bowl of batter and does her best to cram some more in?

Yeah, me neither.

A busy Saturday and the roarin' 20s

We had a very full Saturday!  It started with everyone's favorite - household chores including the dreaded laundry.  Then we moved on to the first round of basketball playoffs for Teddy.  He's 12 and this is probably the 2nd year where everyone on the court actually knows how to play the game and so it's usually fun to watch the games for the sport of it.  His team is pretty good, but not amazing.  They work very well together as a team, but don't have any really stand out players.  It's their passing and other fundamentals which have gotten them this far - which if you're a sport's fan is fun to watch.  Anyway their game was an extremely stressful nail-biter from start to finish.  The kids on both teams played aggressively on both sides of the ball and there were a lot of fouls on both sides not called - which is not a good thing at this age, I think.  They eventually won by 3 points, but not without first causing quite a few gray hairs in the parents of both teams.


Then we had a gap where we got to do more chores (woo hoo) before heading to Jack's playoff game.  Jackson's team was undefeated for the first half of the season and then they got their first loss - and they've never won again.  This is the first team I've ever seen that seems to have gotten worse as the season progresses.  We think they won the beginning games on their natural athletic ability and by the middle of the season the rest of the teams had learned more about the game and had plays and strategies and whatnot to more than counteract any random group of 9 and 10 year olds.  Anyway - it was the ass kicking to end all ass kicking.  They went into the 4th quarter losing 1 to 16, and that 1 point had been scored very early in the 1st quarter.  Finally Jack scored and then 2 of his team mates scored and it ended up 7 to 18, but man - there were plenty of tears.


And the damn games before his had run really late so Jack's game was more than an hour late in getting started - the event we were going to started at seven and we didn't get home until about quarter of seven.  So mad dash to get ready and then off to a Roarin' 20s themed fundraiser for the library.  Several of our friends we play fantasy football with were there and we had a great time playing with them there followed by some fun at a local bar.


Here's a picture, though I've ruined the deceptively simple lines of the dress by lifting it high enough to show you the gun on my garter - isn't it cute!!

And man, I swear my kitchen walls are not THAT yellow in real life!!


And in not good news - Ricky has been admitted to the hospital with congestive heart failure and pneumonia.  Hopefully she'll be released with some new medicine very soon, but any good thoughts or prayers would be much appreciated.  

B.Y.O.C. - My favorite time of week...

It’s FRIDAY which means in Care Bear Land it’s time for BYOC…Bring Your Own Crazy! 5 little questions you can copy and paste to your blog if you so desire – in an effort to get to know each other better and to give your blog brain a break!


Enjoy!

1. Are you a heavy or light sleeper?

I guess I'm a light sleeper, but it isn't generally a problem.  If the kids need me, I'll here them quietly open the door and can deal with whatever it is and if I don't have to get up, can easily go right back to sleep.  My body/brain has gotten used to Brad comeing to bed after I'm asleep so now I only wake up about 50% of the time when he crawls into bed.  In contrast, one of the kids can come in and we could have full out conversations including power point presentations and guest speakers right there at the side of the bed and Brad would never once stir.


2. If you were made into a professor for a day, what topic would you lecture on?

Hmmm.  Interesting queestion.  Is alcohol involved?  no?  okay then.  I guess I'd talk about not settling.  Stand up for who you are, for what you want.  Do the things you love.  Surround yourself with things you love and want and need - not just stuff.  Surround yourself with people who love you for you - flaws and all.  Who want only the best for you, who push you to strive to be all you can and want to be (much like this amazing blogging community).  Or... maybe the art of blow jobs?


3. What’s a skill you’ve always wanted that you don’t currently have?

I have always wanted to know how to play the piano.  And okay - d'oh. (slapping hand to head) -  I have a piano in my house.  I could learn now - what the hell?  How is it that Drazil's BYOC was necessary for me to connect those dots?  I so hate when I'm dumb.

4. Have you ever been in a real cat fight?

I don't really remember much from my childhood - but I have a very fuzzy impression that I may have once.  But I do know that throughout school and probably even up till today people are generally scared of me.  It's something that bothers me occassionally, but mostly just ammuses me now.  But I know without a doubt that that one fact prevented things from escalating to where a fight could have happened on a couple of differenet occassions.  The impression people always had (completely incorrectly I might add) was that I could beat them to a bloody pulp both verbally and physically.  I have no idea why people believe this of me, but I'm know it kept me out of a couple of situations that I would have been completely ill-equiped to handle.



5. Repeat question: Summarize your week in real life and in blog land.

Blogland- On the the one had it's totally fun.  There's a challenge coming up that should be fun, the excitement is still in the air about BOOBS II.  BOOBS 1.5 (as Linda called it) in NY is happening next month and I'm wildly excited to meet some of you lovely people - it's like a little sneak peak before the real BOOBS event in Chicago.  On the other hand - I've felt every bit of creative blog juice run out of my body and lay there like a gelatinous blob at my feet.  I'm hoping it gets its act together soon.  I'm afraid you'll stop liking me.

In real life - Betty (my inner neat freak) is slowly taking the house back and it's making the rest of me so much more calm.  Brad and I continue to not hate each other though I can't say we're doing anything like clicking on all cylanders or anything crazy like that - but it's not a stress bucket being at home and that's a beautiful thing.  Oh... and I'm going to this benefit tomorrow night for the library and it has a roarin' 20s theme.  I'm not really dressing up in costume - but I did buy some fun accessories; a garter with a little miniature gun attached, a feather for my hair and some huge "rinestone" earings.  And I have this great dress that I can just now wear that does lovely things to all the curves I want to accentuate even though it looks like it should be a very plain and ordinary charcoal colored dress.  So it does what I want every outfit to do - make you look good without it looking like you remotely tried to look good.  I usually don't go to these kinds of things because I'm shy and afraid to talk to people I don't know - but a bunch of friends of ours are going so it should be really fun!

Weigh in day

Today is 189.6 which is 3.4 down from last week and 45.4 down in total.  Yay for 45!

This 10 lbs was very, very hard to get rid of - it took three solid months.  I'm very hopeful the next 10 won't take the same amount of time - but as long as I'm heading in the right direction I'll continue to be grateful.

S.A.D. (do you have one of these?), after the pouch test, and a quote...

I've been in a real blogging slump for a while - maybe Ricky took my blogging mojo with her back to New York??? I'm just not sure - but if that's the case and getting it back means getting her back, I can definitely wait!

Here are a few random things running around in my mind...

Shit and hockey

Can we talk about how much shit two people can accumulate in one space?  I had an unexpected day off on Tuesday due to snow and decided I would clean our room.  Ever since Christmas our room has become the Shit Accumulation Depot (that’s S.A.D.)  First there was all the stuff one needs to wrap gifts for two boys forced to get stuff from both their parents and Santa – including the magic unfolding table and chairs.  Then, of course there was the entry of Ricky the MIL – and my need to make her as comfortable as possible – so quickly take some extra shit out of the guest room and store it in my room.  There were a couple of boxes of Christmas presents that haven’t made it where they belong – like in every day circulation people! – There was even a box of old nurti-system like food that I hate to throw away even though for the most part I won’t or can’t eat it anymore.  I said to myself as I went to bed the night before – if I’m home all day tomorrow – I’m taking this damn room back. 

The problem with our room is its greatest asset.  It’s pretty damn big, so just because it became the S.A.D., it in no way interrupted the flow of the room or even really stood out.  It was just a bin of wrapping paper in the corner – the bin was neat, but I don’t need or want to store wrapping paper in my bedroom, or a neat box of this or a cute basket of that.  It took most of the day because I was in champion procrastination mode – but… you can now see every gleaming flat surface, and play a pick up hockey game in the now empty space. 

Suddenly our room is huge.  Brad’s first response (after he picked himself back up) was… So do you want to bring the loveseat back in here?  Uh… no frickin way, we’re totally going to learn to play hockey.

After the pouch test...

So... it's been several days since the 5 day pouch test and I swear I have a different and better level of restriction now than I did before, it's very, very odd - and totally fascinating.  Starting on day 4 I felt much tighter, there was no way I could get 4oz of anything down at one sitting.  I was really spending extra time to pay great attention to what my body was telling me - but several days later... it's not just cuz I'm paying great attention - I really think my restriction level is different.  I am tighter, but not too tight.  I don't know if this is going to stick around or not - but it's flat fascinating that it really seems to have changed.  I totally wasn't expecting that at all, nor was it my purpose - purpose hell, it wasn't the remotest thought in my head.  Anyway - I'd do it again to remind myself that I can control what I do and the added restriction is a total bonus, we'll see how long it lasts.

Quote
And finally... a lovely quote that a friend of mine emailed me in one of those cheesy - you must pass this on things - I've never once forwarded one of those emails and I won't in the future should you feel so compelled to include me on your list - it will die with me.

But.. that said.  This quote was just so lovely, that I thought I would pass it along to all of you.  The email did not credit the author so I can't even tell you where it came from, but... enjoy and take it to heart!

"May today there be peace within. May you trust that you are exactly where you are meant to be. May you not forget the infinite possibilities that are born of faith in yourself and others. May you use the gifts that you have received, and pass on the love that has been given to you. May you be content with yourself just the way you are. Let this knowledge settle into your bones, and allow your soul the freedom to sing, dance, praise and love. It is there for each and every one of us."