B.Y.O.C.

1. Do you make a New Year’s resolution list every year? Do you meet those resolutions, forget about them or never meet them?

I have never, not once, made a New Year's resolution.  This has to do with my previously discussed PSDS.  If I don't make one, then I can't fail at it, right?  But (drum roll please) I'm seriously considering venturing in to the world of New Year's resolutions this year.  I'm in a different place.  I'm working on really owning who I am and what and where I want to be - so let's stop doing the same old stuff and try on some new things.  What's the worst that could happen?  Okay - please, please, please don't answer that - I just can't handle going there.  But I'm thinking I may just put a few things down on paper - or maybe down in blogland.  And see how that goes.... we'll see.

2. If you could delete all the songs from existence from a certain singer, who would it be?

hmmm.  I really do like all kinds of music - but... Celine Dion comes to mind - even though I can totally appreciate her amazing voice - something about her grates on my nerves.  And really I think the group New Song (I just learned their name from Gilly's post) who sing the god awful Christmas Shoes song should be banned from singing just on principle.  If they could sing that song - I don't even want to know if they wrote it too - but if they can sing that song and still wake up and face their families in the morning... well they are clearly in the wrong business!

3. If you could have sex with any Superhero – who would it be?

Hmmm... this is a tough one.  I'm gonna have to go with Batman though, I think.  He's dark and mysterious and has an edge to him.  I think he'd be the guy who would lose control with you.  Grab you and drag you down to the first mostly secluded place he could find.  Where he'd rip just enough of your clothes away to get to what he wanted before he forced you to come over and over enjoying the power he had over you - before he finally.... uh.. oh.. oops.  Maybe I got a little carried away here - is it getting warm in here?

4. If it was free AND unlimited – would you choose to have a cook, chauffeur, or masseuse?

This is a total no brainer!! Hands down cook.  OMG  I'd give my left tit arm to have a cook.  I know my family would eat healthier and we'd waste less money on food and there would be actual food to eat that just showed up when we were hungry.... ahhh to dream.  And, I suck at cooking too, so maybe he/she (I'm thinking he - maybe someone who looked a little like Bruce Wayne (clearing my suddenly dry throat)) could give me private cooking lessons on the side or on the top or the bottom or wherever he wanted to do it.

5. Repeat question: Summarize your week – in real life and blogland.

Blogland has been fairly quiet, but I agree with Draz, it's picking back up now that the holidays are over, which I'm thoroughly enjoying.

Real life has been pretty good.  I'm heading into my busy time at work and brought some work to do over the weekend, hoping I can avoid actually going in - but I don't even mind that much.  Christmas was lovely, except the kids got entirely too much stuff.  I really need to work on Brad before next year.  It's sort of embarrassing and I know it's not the right thing.  But we had a lovely, low key time here at home with my mom and step dad.  And then went to my mom's a couple of days later and had another lovely time with my Mom and sister and family.  I've got the 2 cutest nieces in the whole world.  I'll have to post some pictures of them one of these days!  And despite the more negative things I've said about my sister here, she and I usually get along great and we are very supportive of each other - we just don't always know how to communicate that.  We had a really rough patch at the end of the summer and we're both really trying to be better about it now - and so far so good.

I'm thinking about a list of things I want to do in 201.  I like the term New Year's intention list - vs resolution list.  It feels more like ideas than firm, draw a line in the sand kind of things.  It's less intimidating to this PSDS sufferer.

Happy New Year to all!

Weigh in day

Today is 196.2 which is up 1.6lbs from last week and down 38.8 in total.

Eh.  I'm okay with this gain as it makes perfect sense.  I ate a lot, and I do mean a lot, of junk over the Christmas weekend.  I got it back under control when I went back to work on Tuesday afternoon and was actually at a lower weight yesterday, but then we went and ate a super yummy (if MIL filled) dinner at a hibachi restaurant last night - can you say amazing sauces and lots and lots of salt.

I did have one tiny moment that sort of freaked me out though.  Last night as I went to bed feeling all kinds of bloated, knowing I was going to have a gain this week, I had this moment where I thought - hey, I'll just skip this week's weigh in.  I know I'll have a loss next week and we'll pretend like this never happened.  Now a part of me truly doesn't want to get so hung up on any one thing that to skip a weigh in would be a big deal - but that kind of thinking is a little frightening for me.  It's the bury your head in the sand kind of thinking that's helped me stay overweight my whole life.  If I just ignore it, then it isn't really happening.  The thought was fleeting - but still - it really surprised me to even be there at all.  And it frightened me a little that it's there.  I guess I can't expect all my old thought processes to magically disappear, but still... I thought it was best to get it out there in black and white so I can look back and remember - and so I can tell those negative thoughts to go fuck themselves.  You know what, I gained this week and I might gain next as well.  I'm okay with that.  It's a journey.

MIL - Day 1 (living in sin and illegal aliens)

Perhaps a little chronicle of her time here will help things along....

I had it totally easy as I had to go to work today while Brad was home with the boys and his mom.  He took them all out to run a bunch of errands and I can only imagine what that was like... Picture 2 hyperactive boys with gift cards to spend and one older woman who doesn't realize the rest of the world doesn't revolve around her.

She strikes up the oddest conversations with anyone within earshot.  I've known her to corner Harley riding, tattoo and earring sporting tough guys, and 10 year old girls who don't know how to get away.  She'll talk to anyone at anytime about anything.  And she won't listen to a single word any other human says.  Not one.  (except maybe me.  She's a little afraid of me because I tell her to stop talking so I can answer her.)

But then tonight - we all went out to a Japanese hibachi restaurant - one of the things we always do when she's in town.  We were seated with another family like ours - mom, dad, and 2 boys (a few years younger than mine).  We all did the polite - it's nice to be eating dinner with you thing - which Ricki (MIL) took as a big huge invitation to start up a conversation (I used that term very, very lightly)  It went something like this:

Children these days should get a lot of toys for Christmas unless they are spoiled brats.  Because when I was younger we didn't have much.  My mom died after her 7th child and my dad ran away with us kids and my mom's best friend.  They were never married, lived in sin, (and yes - the word sin was whispered) and were really embarrassed by that, but they went on to have 3 more of their own, can you imagine that? (there was no actual time for the poor man to answer even if he knew what to say).  So at Christmas we all got one present from the family and one from the church.  We just didn't have a lot.  (deep breath so she could continue) But there was a lot of love.  And we were happy with what we had.  There's just too much these days.  (and we make it full circle) Kids get far too many toys at Christmas these days.

I got her distracted from the poor man and we went on to talk about a variety of mundane topics while we ate our food.... until she started whispering to me.  This is never a good sign.  She leaned in and held her hand over her mouth so no one could over hear. 

Read, I don't know what you think of this - but - what do you think of children who are here illegally - you know - illegal aliens - getting help from the government to go to college.

Um... What?  Weren't we just talking about the weather?  And how good the food was?  And whether or not I could get Teddy to eat some mushrooms?  Where the hell did that come from?  And no way in hell am I getting into a rousing political debate with her - especially not over a nice dinner.

Um, I said, that's a tough one...

PSDS and BFD and a goal

So for that last post, there was other stuff but I got totally derailed.

Anyway – let’s talk goals and milestones, shall we?

I am not a goal setter.  I think it’s in large part because I suffer from Perfectionist Self Doubter Syndrome, that’s PSDS to the rest of the world.  If I were to set a goal to clean my room that room would be frickin’ amazing when I was done.  You could eat off any surface, the drawers would all be perfectly organized, socks filed arranged by color, hanging clothes all equidistant apart and arranged by both color and how far from the bar they hang.  I could go on and on.  And on and on and on.  But the point it – over time this compulsion only got worse and for a while it kept me from cleaning my room at all because unfortunately life would continue on while I was cleaning so I could never get it “done”.  There was always laundry or something so all the socks weren’t in the drawer, and all the stuff wasn’t available to be hung up – and not being able to “finish” – that was a serious problem.  It would weigh on me for days, or maybe decades.  The perfectionist part of PSDS is a toughie.  Over time I learned to narrow the goal.  Clean the closet.  Organize the sock drawer.  That kind of thing.  The rest was way too overwhelming. 

This leads me to weight loss goals.  Never!  I’ve absolutely never ever set one.  And that’s the SD part of PSDS.  If I can’t be absolutely sure I will reach the specific goal at the appointed time well.. the world as I know it will end.  I don’t know what that means – but it’s a BFD.  (okay a tangent about my mom.  I’m in college and my mother (the woman who gave birth to me) comes to visit.  During that visit something happened that would have resulted in a college student saying ‘big fucking deal’ – My mom, who’s always been more kid than mom didn’t skip a beat and started miming.  Yes, I said miming.  She first put her hands WAY far apart, then made a circle with her left thumb and forefinger and repeatedly stuck her right forefinger in the circle and back out and in and out and in and out – I think you get the picture.  Then she mimicked dealing cards. – From that point forward that was how all my friends and I said B.F.D. through the rest of college – so now I can’t think of Big Fucking Deal without seeing my mom do that – okay end of tangent.)

So, no weight loss goals.  So like all of you, I’ve dieted and I’ve tried a variety of things with varying levels of short term successes, but I’ve done it all on the Q.T.  Shhhhh.  Don’t tell anyone – least of all me – that I’m doing this – because, what if I can’t.  What if I fail?  Then what?  That does not go with the P in me.  Failure is not an option – so that means goals are not an option.

I think I need to come out of the closet.  I need to be less hush hush and more clear – at least to myself – maybe not to the rest of the world – about some goals.  My first attempt was to join the Holiday Challenge.  I joined.  It was public.  Sure, none of you know me.  But some of you have read here – some of you would see my name; success or failure on the chart Kristin created.  I actively didn’t do anything special during the challenge.  It was really a whole different kind of challenge for me.  I wanted to see if my reaction could be a calm one.  Just continue to go on about my business – or was I going to freak the fuck out?  Was I going to immediately eat chocolate morning, noon, and night?  Because if I can’t succeed, I will fail spectacularly.  It will be the mother of all failures.  It will be the best, most impressive failure that’s ever been seen.  That’s really the whole PSDS in me – the mother of all failures – yup, that’s me.

Okay – the point is – I joined this thing, and I didn’t die.  I said it out loud.  I sent in my weights.  I did just fine.  God forbid I put some effort into it – that would have been way, way, way too much for my first little foray into the world of goals – but I did it and it was fine.  It was fun even.  I found a bunch of new blogs to follow – I was thrilled as others had big successes.  I rooted hard for those who were struggling.  It was a group thing and I liked it.  A lot.  Who knew?

Well I set this goal for myself.  I’m setting an achievable goal.  But one I’ll have to work for.  I think it’s okay to do this, because I truly think I’m okay if I don’t make it – and that’s the point.  I hope that’s the point.  I’m not hiding it.  I’m telling myself about it.  I have a calendar in my closet where I count down the days to some future thing and on it I track my weight and my exercise (sorely lacking in December, btw).  I’ve been doing this for years.  Well I’ve put my goal in black and white for me to see every damn day.  This is a huge BFD for me.  Seriously big.  But there it is.  My name is Read and I suffer from PSDS – the first step in getting better is admitting you have a problem. 

My goal is to loose 50 lbs by the 7 month bandiversary.  To weight 185 or less by February 2, 2011.  Now you know too – shhhh, don’t tell anyone.

Mothers-in-law, bands, and other heavy stuff...

So there are a few things I want to talk about and I’m going to steal from others with the whole bullet thing…

• My MIL is coming today for 10 days.  She was here for more than 4 months in the early part of 2010 and we nearly didn’t survive.  As she installed all of my husband’s buttons she has an uncanny ability to push them in a way no one else can.  It’s truly amazing.  She’s perfectly harmless and always means well, but when she’s around, Brad turns into a completely different person – and that guy is just no fun at all.  Luckily my MIL loves me and thinks we are really close; more like girlfriends than anything else.  I’ve always been of the opinion that she gave me my husband and therefore I can tolerate whatever she hands out.  There’s no doubt we will survive 10 days relatively unscathed, but for me it means I have to gear myself up to having 4 children in the house – my normal two, my husband, and my MIL.  They will all need constant direction, entertainment, and periodic discipline.  Totally doable – but man what a pain to have to be the only adult in the house for a while (again I bow to all the single parents out there).  Maybe if Brad gets on my nerves too much I’ll lock him and his mom into a room for a few hours and see who’s able to walk out under their own power.  The boys and I can always just go see a movie.
• I think this band thing is pretty cool once you start figuring it out.  It’s taken me a while as does every damn thing, but I think I’m finally getting it.  Over the Christmas holiday away from work, I took away all self imposed restrictions and ate whatever the hell I wanted to, whenever the hell I wanted to.  And man did I eat a bunch of shit.  But, and this is the key, I listened to my body – especially my band.  When I wasn’t hungry, I didn’t eat, or maybe just had a little taste of something yummy I was baking.  I stopped eating at the first hint I should.  I made sure I got my vitamins in and I did mostly attempt to eat a fair amount of protein, but if I wanted cookie dough for dinner – well, that’s what I had.  I gained a few pounds most of which is definitely water, but.. eh.  I felt really comfortable – really free.  I’m back at work and back to my more regimented ways – but I have a lot less fear that this is what I have to do for the rest of my life.  It’s more – I’m just a frighteningly anal retentive person who likes order in her life.  I like knowing what’s for lunch ahead of time, so sue me.  But I have this confidence now, that if a sudden party lands in my lap I will not die.  I’ll just enjoy myself and all will be well – it’s a very good thing (and just so you know – I hate Martha Stewart.)
• Did I mention my MIL is coming?  My marriage was having issues for a while before she came in February.  Brad was in denial I think and I was trying to gently try this and that to help – it wasn’t awful it just wasn’t good.  I really think her staying with us for all that time was the beginning of the end for us.  Or the beginning of the – I’m no longer willing to ignore all this shit anymore.  When it was in his face – Brad got that he needed to fight for me – for us, but as time has gone on – I think it’s easy to just fall into the … she’s not yelling or crying or leaving so everything must be just fine now… frame of mind.  The lack of… anything from him has been weighing on me lately – Do I remind him I was serious?  Do I take his actions for what they are?  I can’t be in charge of all things good and bad – some of it has to come from him.  But is stepping back cold turkey fair to him, fair to our marriage.  I think not.  But I don’t know where the line is…. So back to the point – my MIL is coming and it’s bringing all these things back up to the forefront for me again.  And I know Brad’s going to be a basket case for the next 10 days and he’ll need me to help him get through this with his sanity and humor in tact and of course I’ll do that – but… who helps me get through it? or not even this it – I’m good with this it.  This it is 10 days long – it’s cake!  But what about the rest of our lives?....

So this took a turn I wasn’t really expecting.  Apparently I wanted to get that off my chest… I hope no one else’s MIL is coming for the next 10 days (unless you really want her there).  I'm looking forward to really getting back to my real life which includes more time in blogland - so (I'm raising my pretend glass) here's to all of you!!

Twas the Night Before Christmas

As is our tradition, we read the book right before bedtime on Christmas Eve.  Brad directed us to look like we were completely absorbed in the book for a silly picture.  And Jack being Jack went his own way and decided to check out how clean his nails were.  So very typical Jackson.

Weigh in day

Today is 194.6 which is down 2.4 lbs for the week (yay!) and down 40.4 lbs in total (super-yay!!)

My band and I didn't get along so well this week and that, no doubt, helped.  He (I think it should be a he despite the fact that I previously gave it a girl's name - I may have to rethink this) didn't think eating very much solid food was such a good idea this week.

On the other hand - the... uncomfortableness... I felt after a few incidents really kept me purely honest about following any and all band rules - and maybe for truly the first time ever I felt like I got it a little bit more than I had been.

Any way you slice it, though - I'm down 40 friggin' pounds and that's a damn good Christmas present!!