Ode to the L-shaped box...

When I was young and feeling ignored I used to daydream of these L-shaped boxes I wished people came in.  We’d all be exactly the same on the outside – well you could always decorate your box in whatever way you wanted, but your hair color, or disabilities, or fat, or big feet, or whatever – all that stuff would be hidden.  We’d all be on the same level playing field and we’d be able to connect or not on an honest – person to person basis without all the other junk.  The box was L shaped so we could be comfortably sitting with our legs straight out in front of us (and yeah, to this old body, that’s so not comfortable anymore for long periods of time).

And now there’s the internet.  I like to take credit for it, move over Al Gore, it was clearly my idea.  Sure, we needed others to perfect it, but seriously – I’m thinking my L-shaped box was the true beginnings of what we now know and love.

Anywhoozle (just for you) I am having a love affair with the internet these days and it’s all about the L-shaped box theory – where we all show up on the same level playing field.  We’re all equal – or equal enough (I mean you might need Jenny to make you truly equal, but we’ll cut you some slack till you’ve contacted her).  Until then – we are here – in our little boxes saying and doing what we want.  Maybe some are more honest than others, but that comes through clearly enough.  And we all get to use this information – the honest people to people stuff – to see how we connect with others.  It’s only natural that we connect with some more than others – but we can get there, I think, from a whole different more honest place than sometimes happens in real life – as in face to face life.  And then, and here’s the extra really cool part – you can take what you’ve learned and go meet people face to face who you already know you connect with!!  How seriously cool is that?

Here are some reasons why I love my little L-shaped box the internet;  Camille – on paper, she and I couldn’t be more different – okay well we both have red hair and big boobs – but that’s where the similarities end.  We are different ages, religions (including how important our religion is to us), I work, she stays at home, I live in civilization, she lives in the middle of nowhere – I could go on and on.  But the point is – if we had met in person – even if we lived in the same town or neighborhood – I just don’t think we’d have ever given each other the time of day, beyond polite chit chat.  We wouldn’t have given each other a chance cuz the external differences are so huge.  But she’s my best friend.  We click on all the important levels.  She’s the one who knows where all the bodies are buried and which vibrators I like best (okay maybe not that – but… hmmm yeah, she probably does).  And I’ve never met her in person.  I talk to her every day and without the internet – we would never have met. 

Then there’s ‘the boss’ he’s not gay as he reminded me yesterday after reading my post on the subject – ‘you can’t pretend that with me!’  Yeah, but the same damn theory holds true for him.  He’s completely off limits to me for a whole different reason and because of that – He’s completely safe and I absolutely love playing with him.  I can ask him or talk to him about any number of things I wouldn’t dream of talking about with another man in just the same way.  We can flirt and banter.  And I’ve never met him.  One day I’m sure I will and that will be way fun, but in the mean time without the internet – there’d be no him – at least that I knew of and that would be a damn loss.

And then there are all these damn boobs!  Seriously could I be more lucky?  Last weekend I had so much fun with Tessie and John, then I got back and had dinner with Linda and Bonnie the very next night, then last night I had a lovely dinner with Lara from Band Babe – dude!!! none of that would be remotely possibly without my L-shaped box invention.

I had the most fun conversation with Gilly this morning when I was supposed to be working and she was supposed to be working out – it was so worth it!!  And without my invention it couldn’t have happened.  I swear I’m putting little hearts and flowers (and maybe some pockets for single use vibrators to pass out to those I love) on the outside of my box. 

I have friends I met through my kinky connections, through my lap band connections, through friends of friends on Facebook.  And it all started with a little L-shaped box.  I’m da bomb!  Hey!  Where are my royalties?

How will you decorate your box??

Epiphanies sometimes make me feel stupid...

What’s that about?  So, I have a friend (J) and she also has the band.  We met through our doctor’s support group.  She’s smarter than I as she’s already switched doctors.  I’ll get around to following suit one of these days.  Anyway, she’s been having some odd pains related to her band and I’m hoping to get her to give me more details so I can then ask all you wonderful people for some advice about it.

But anyway, I was emailing her today and I was talking about how I used to have all these puking problems or pain in the chest problems (and these problems were at a lower fill leven than I'm at now) and I really limited what I ate during that time – to only “safe” foods.  Things I knew wouldn’t kill me.  For a while I just believed that there were just lots of foods that were off limits for me for the rest of my life.  I can’t say I was even all that unhappy about it – it is what it is.  Eh. 

But then I read blog after blog and decided that no, it was just that I was eating too fast, or not chewing well enough, or taking bites that were too big.  Things like that.  The basic stuff – While I do like rules to live by, I also like to push against them too.  Hmmmm maybe I just need a good dom in my life?  What do you think?

Anyway.  As I’ve mentioned I’m the slowest poke in the world when it comes to learning new things.  I need to try and try and test and test and try some more before I really believe it.  (I’m obviously not the original doubting Thomas, but there’s no doubt he’s a distant relative). 

So finally to the epiphany.  So.. Well, this is about my weight loss stall.  I hit 199 the day before I went to Disney World over Thanksgiving and I hit 195 around Christmas.  And I’ve been hovering between 190 and 195 ever since then.  Every few weeks I dip into the high 180s, but mostly I’m steady as a rock in that five pound range.

It’s getting old.  Well a few months ago it was getting old.  A few months ago I wanted to kill myself I was so annoyed by this (I’m not serious even a little bit).  But recently, I’ve been settling into this calm mental place.  Like I know it’s going to be fine and I just got it. The why part.  Cuz of course my worrier brain needed to understand my new found confidence.  I think I finally figured out this eating thing. 

I’ve been getting fills, being overfilled, getting unfilled, wrestling with my doctor, yadda, yadda, yadda – and each of those things has had a short term effect on my eating habits and weight loss – but… What I’ve been doing over these past several months is listening to you guys!!!  I’ve been working diligently on taking small bites – this is the one that’s still the hardest for me.  On chewing really, really well.  I swear to God every time I put a bite of something in my mouth I hear Karin from Lap Band Gal’s voice in my head “chew it until it’s the consistency of applesauce”.  On eating slowly.  This is another really hard one, but one I think I’ve finally mastered.  You know… all the basic band stuff.  It’s only taken me ten months to feel like I’ve gotten them down pat.  But… I think this is the calm.  I think in all the months of 2011 I’ve been concentrating on learning how to eat correctly – not so much concentrating on what to eat.  I’m not saying I’ve been eating awfully, I haven’t.  But I’ve definitely been testing to see what I can and can’t eat.  As it turns out, I haven’t found a thing I can’t eat as long as I take it slowly and am not stupid about it.  And that’s a damn beautiful thing.  Though I will confess I'm still working on being completely consistent on my quantity per meal.  Now it's Gilly's voice I hear - she's much more direct than Karin when she's yelling at me in my head which is, of course, why I love her so.  I'm just about there though, I think.

So I think I’m calm because, I don’t feel like I need to test that stuff anymore.  So now, hopefully I’ll be able to concentrate on eating in a way that will help me with my weight loss goals – since I think I’ve gotten some of this other stuff out of the way.  So I just want to send out a heart felt thanks to all of you and your wonderful blogs full of all kinds of wonderful information that is helping poor schmubs like me figure this all out!!  You all are the greatest!!

Oh and – if you haven’t already – go check out my last post which is a video of our very own Tessie Rose and her lovely husband John doing karaoke in NOLA – so much fun!!!

Tessie Rose & John singing - Come see!!!!

Just pretend they're gay

On Friday night of the Fest my friend Jen and I went out to dinner with a big group of people organized by our friend Dan.  We were the first ones there and we checked in at the hostess station and discovered they were ready to lead us to our table immediately.  Great!  So.. the cute little perky hostess leads us right back out the door.  Um?  Ooookay.  Jen and I dutifully follow her thinking she’s going to their wine bar right next door.  Uh.. not so much, we walked right on past the wine bar.  Down the street towards the corner.  There’s nothing else other than a brick wall on the rest of the block – Jen and I are looking back and forth at each other trying to decide if we should keep following this cute little perky hostess down the deserted street in the middle of uptown New Orleans to our deaths or not.  Eh… why not.  She rounds the corner and heads down a new street.  Seriously!?  But then out pops a cute little man in a waiter’s uniform ready to receive us apologizing all over himself for the walk around to the back of the building due to a private party in the wine bar…. Okay phew.

Anyway –we sit ourselves across from each other down at the end of the very long table as it’s dinner for 14 and wait.  Slowly everyone trickles in and it was funny that we knew maybe only half of the people – but we were all “friends of Dan”  After a cocktail or two four new people show up to our already packed table and two each get put at the very ends of the table.  Jen and I welcomed Reed (what a fun name even if it is spelled incorrectly) and Adam to our little corner of the world.

So, I’m a couple of cocktails in by then and in a very happy chatty mood and so I’m chatting away with Adam who’s sitting next to me and trying to include Reed as well who was much quieter.  When they came and sat down I learned that they both lived in DC which is where Dan lives and not too far from me and that they (and the other two late comers) all knew Dan from playing ice hockey with him there.  For whatever reason I assumed these two men were a couple.  I have no idea why I thought this, but I did – and I’m not sure it is or isn’t the case now – I have no idea and usually I have pretty accurate gaydar.  So – it was just my initial opinion and I stuck with it – sort of like noting one had brown hair and one was more a sandy color – it just struck me.  Adam telling me about his 17 year old son and ex wife in no way affected my thoughts on this.  We kept chatting, and laughing and playing away – completely having a good time.  Jen was spending more time talking with her old college friends at the table which was no big deal for me, but left me more alone to talk to Adam and the much quieter Reed.

So – and here’s the point of the story – we leave and are walking back to the French Quarter where some of the group was going to a 1:30am show of some band (not me, I got my tired butt to bed) - and Jen (who knows all about my issues with Brad) leans into me and says “Look at you flirting away with Adam all night long.”  I almost popped out with, ‘he’s gay’ as I was rolling my eyes, but then it occurred to me – I have no idea if that’s true or not.  There were actually no stereotypical signs that this might be true and there were stereotypical signs to the contrary – though nothing conclusive one way or the other.  So, who knows.

But.. I swear to God in that 4 or 5 seconds where it occurred to me that I might have been actually chatting and playing around with a straight man while I was sitting there in my cute little low cut that says to the world – hey look at my girls – dress I totally freaked out.  OMG I was flirting.  Or rather – I was doing what one might call flirting if the intention had been there.  I’m sure all the color drained out of my face and I nearly fell flat on my face.  But then… it occurred to me… huh.  That wasn’t so bad.  I could do that if I needed to.  Especially now that I have the trick – just pretend they’re gay. 

In the end it was sort of liberating – I so often don’t like, or am afraid of people so it was nice to be able to sit there and meet a new person and just have a nice time with him.  So if I’m ever single again I’ll definitely be keeping the mantra going in my head – just pretend they’re gay, just pretend they're gay.  Of course I was telling my friend Camille this and she said (after she stopped laughing at me) – okay so what happens next.  It’s later and now you know they aren’t gay.  What then?  I decided I’d cross that bridge if I ever come to it.

Our brain trust strikes again...

I love my son, I really do.  He’s amazing in so many ways.  But man… sometimes I just want to ______________ … well, all you mom’s out there can easily fill in the blank I would imagine.

So here’s my latest amusement with him.  We got him a phone before we went to Disney World last fall.  He was in his second year of middle school and we’d always figured this would be about the time to get him one; way more for our convenience than for his.  He does lots of things after school and stays home alone – stuff like that.  BUT… he’s a space cadet and I didn’t feel he was yet ready.  I was prepared to give it to him when it made my life easier, but not yet ready to give it to him all the time.  He of course balked at this but eh.. he can balk all he wants.  So he has it at Disney and that’s a good thing.  And we give it to him here and there for this and that and that’s a good thing.  He has it at home and enjoys texting his friends and that’s a fine thing.  And then he loses it. 

Seriously buddy you can’t find your phone?  Of course he can’t, right?  Well dear this proves my point that you are not ready for the responsibility of a phone.  He searches and he searches and he searches.  It can not be found.  It’s gone.  He’s sure either Brad or I have it.  He’s concocted a story in his brain how we took it away from him one day and it was during that period of time that it went missing… which of course means it’s all our fault and as usual he’s completely blameless.  Yes dear, I hear you.

The phone went missing months ago.  I don’t remember how many, but at least three.  It’s been long enough that I was suspecting it wasn’t going to just turn up one of these days as I’d initially suspected it would.  Brad and I had even gone so far as to have a couple of conversations about buying a new phone, which he’d have to pay for of course.  There have been a few times where I’d have felt better if he’d had a phone and I could have contacted him if need be. 

And then… last night I’m in his room at bedtime and we’re having a grand ol’ time farting around before he went down for the night.  Bandit The Wonder Dog (BTWD) started pawing through the debris on the floor in front of his closet looking for a ball that wasn’t there.  Teddy kept picking stuff up; a shirt, a stuffed animal, legos.. “is this what you want Bandit?”  (Before I go further, Teddy cleans his room relatively well at least every other week and it’s not too bad in the in between stages.  He manages (sometimes with parental help) to get his dirty clothes into the laundry each weekend and he manages to get his floor free of debris for it to be vacuumed)  But still…. It turns out that BTWD wants the 4 foot tall kangaroo that’s lying on the floor in front of the closet; Kenny the Kangaroo (and I do mean 'wants'). 

Apparently Bandit was quite enamored with Kenny and felt he must show Kenny about his love in a very physical way.  Repeatedly.  Again and again.  Over and over.  He first tried going at it doggy style (all puns intended) but that was obviously not good enough as he then managed (I kid you not) to roll Kenny onto his back.  Kenny is easily 4 times the size of Bandit, probably more and that little wonder dog got Kenny up and over onto his back as clearly Bandit prefers the missionary position.  Who knew??  Teddy meanwhile can’t breathe he’s laughing so hard.  It was one of the funniest conversations Teddy and I have ever had because Teddy was worried I wouldn’t let nature take it’s course right there in the middle of the room, but I was more than happy to watch the show and Ted didn’t know what was funnier that Bandit was humping Kenny like there’s no tomorrow or that I was watching it with him.  Either way – it was a riot.

But, I digress… Before Teddy gave Kenny over to Bandit’s loving (cough cough) caresses.  He lifted Kenny to a standing position and there sitting on the floor was his fucking phone. 

Ted: OMG look Mom, I found my phone!  Yay, I’m so happy, I found my phone!!

Me: (in an eerily calm voice) Give it to me.

Ted: Look, can you believe it!  Woo Hoo!!

Me: Give it to me (hand extended)

Ted: (beginning to look worried) isn’t it great?  I found my phone!!

Me: Give it to me.

Finally he did and I slipped it into my pocket and didn’t say a word.

Ted: But wait, give me my phone.

Me:  Time for bed.

Ted: Hey!  I want my phone.

Me: (very, very calmly which you know is a sure sign of trouble).  It’s been sitting on your floor all this time.  Right there under Kenny.  A single lift with your pinky would have shown it to you.  (changing to a Teddy impersonation) I searched and searched and searched and I can’t find it.  It’s not in my room – period. (he actually says period).  It’s time for bed.

Ted: (all dejected)  Will I ever get my phone back.

Me: I have no idea.

So much fun in NOLA!!!!

Jazz Fest
This weekend I went to NOLA to their Jazz and Heritage Festival which I’ve been going to every two or three years since 1993.  (side note, as I love a good side note:  Brad and I eloped, sort of, while we were busy and stressed planning our November wedding and we got married by the Justice of the Peace in April then hopped on a plane and  headed to our very first Jazz Fest (Brad's only gone that one time).  Brad likes to tell people how he spent his wedding night with four women – as we were sharing a room with some friends back in the day)  Anyway – I had a blast, as always, at Fest.  I started my time down there with a bloody mary, crawfish bread and Buckwheat Zydeco – an amazing combination if ever there was one.  And it just continued from there.  There was a truly amazing tribute to Mahalia Jackson on the 100^th anniversary of her birth done primarily by the great Irma Thomas, lots of wonderful Zydeco, Marcia Ball (one of my all time favorites!!), Better Than Ezra, Geno Delafose (he's new to me, but I think I'm in love), and the list goes on and on.  Great food!!  Great music!!  Great friends!!  It just can't be beat, I'm already looking forward to the next time we go!!

It's important to get in your veggies while in NOLA - if that means olives and green beans in your bloody mary so be it!!


One of my favorite things to do, of course is to go people-ing.  And while this isn't all that news worthy I felt I had to do a little PSA right here in the middle of this post.  No one wants to see your thong.  Okay.  Let's all say it together.  No one wants to see your thong.  And.. well okay, that's not completely true.  When you're 20 years old and truly have the body for a thong - lots of 20 year old boys want to see your thong.

But... if you're over 50.

No one wants to see your thong.

Okay, are we all good on that now?

I may have been a little stupid with the sunscreen on the second day.  In my defense I was leaving Fest early to go meet John and Theresa.... but... okay.  I'm just dumb.

John and Theresa
I am in love.  Seriously I am.  I think I'm going to see if they'll adopt me - I know that means they would have had me a little before or after the time of their births - but I'm thinking that's just a little detail and we'll be able to work around it.  I can't tell you how excited I was to meet them.  I can put up a good face walk in a room like I own it and all - but usually the idea of walking in alone to meet people for the first time would just about kill me - but I was so excited my Fest friends wanted to stay longer at the Fest and I was going to get to hang out with them all by myself for a while.  I know many of you have experienced this before - but I totally wasn't going to meet these new people I was excited to meet - No way!  I was going off to play with my good, old, dear, friends; John and Theresa!

I can't tell you how wonderful it was that they made the trip into NOLA when I was there - I'm so glad they got a night away to themselves - but I'm all kinds of excited I got to spend a fair amount of it with them - it was just so wonderful that they were able to make the timing work like that - I can't tell you how much I appreciate it!!


But - so - I am meeting them at a karaoke place on Bourbon Street.  Have I mentioned, I don't do karaoke, I mean seriously!  Sing at the top of my lungs in the grocery store - sure.  Sing on a stage with a mic in my hand - no fucking way in hell.  It's a long known fact about me.  Read doesn't do karaoke.  Unh uh (shaking head vehemently), No way.  Not gonna happen.  But...!! I'm totally up for watching them do it.  I'm thrilled in fact.  Cuz you know, maybe they won't like me, and/or the conversation will stall - we'll always have the singers to talk about - so, I'm thinking it's actually the perfect place to meet old friends for the first time.


Anyway - there were no such worries as I loved them both immediately and I don't think they hated me.  They are just as wonderful and funny and fun and sweet and lovely as they are on their blogs.  It was so immediately like we'd known each other forever - I was completely comfortable and at ease the second I walked into the door.  It's possible that there were a few lake sized cocktails consumed.  

My first Gin and Tonic

And maybe, possibly, though I won't confirm or deny, there were some jello shots sucked down. (seriously - jello shots.  I'm going to be 45 in two weeks - I can't remember the last time I did jello shots).  

 Theresa made lots of new friends and had a little fan club forming in the corner next to her.  It was a little extra work for John and I, what with crowd control and having to get all their names and addresses so they could be added to her mailing list, but it was well worth it to see how quickly she had them eating out of the palm of her hands.  There was a little Cupid Shuffle (which I'd never before heard of, though Theresa was a pro at), John tried to teach me how to two step (he had to keep reminding me he was the one leading - I promise I'll do better next time, I swear!!).  There was John telling me how wonderful Theresa was - over and over.  "Look at her, isn't she amazing"  Yup!! she absolutely is!  And then there was the singing.

They got up and did some karaoke both separately and together.  I have them doing a Beatles song together on a video on my phone and I'll get it up on Youtube soon! (I'll figure out how to do that tonight or tomorrow).  They are both fantastic up there - it was so so so much fun watching them!!!  They're total naturals!  Then, there was this great guy - I forget his name - but he was amazingly bad.  I mean seriously, seriously bad.  He couldn't find a note to save his life; but he got up there time after time and belted them out one after the other and it was just about the best thing I'd ever seen because he had no idea he wasn't the next American Idol!  I totally loved it!  And then that mean old Theresa conned me into going up with her and singing too.  I mean - right there up on the stage.  With a microphone.  We've discussed this.  I don't do this kind of thing.  I'd really, really like to say I was kicking and screaming the whole way up there, but it was more like... 


Theresa: So, you ready?
Me: sure, let's go.


OMG.  And then John had to go and take a video - which actually I'm beyond thrilled by (and maybe begged him to do) cuz it's never going to happen again (well maybe I'll do it again in Chicago if there's enough alcohol involved.)  I'm going to do my best to pressure him relentlessly until he puts it up on Youtube as well, cuz I was way too drunk to have any sense of what that was like.


We were supposed to meet my friends for dinner... uh... but well let's just say that didn't happen and leave it at that.  I will say there was some more alcohol involved and some really good bar-b-que shrimp that's served in this bowl full of all this yummy sauce that you then dip the really good bread into.  

Little known medical fact: apparently when lubricated with jello, a band is primed for bread to slide on through.






This is evidence of my brilliance (or maybe a teeny, tiny bit too much alcohol).  I couldn't tell the difference between movie and picture on my camera.  This was supposed to be a picture - but.. not so much.

bad parenting, the massacre, and us

More evidence of our parenting…

So – Jackson’s head is healing nicely and this is a good thing.  I’m wildly anal about making sure there is sunscreen on his scar at all times.  There are sticks of sunscreen in my purse, his backpack, his baseball bag, and both our cars in addition to the plentiful supply I have in the house.  On Saturday before Jackson had a football game followed by a golf outing with our friend Jamie and Brad and Teddy I put sunscreen on the scar and then headed out to take Teddy to his baseball game.  We met up for lunch between the games and golf and I reminded him and Brad to put more sunscreen on before they went golfing – okay all taken care of, right?  Yeah well.  His scar was white as a ghost at the end of the day but the rest of his face, a vee in his chest and his legs were, however, burnt to a crisp.  Oops.  Poor boy.

The mutant ninja massacre

Wow am I lucky or what?  All three boys went golfing on Saturday and I got to have the house to myself for several house.  It was bliss.  Okay, well… it was going to be bliss.  Seriously.  I even had a small mountain of laundry to do, and I was completely excited about cranking up the tunes and cranking it out while I had The.  House.  To.  Myself!!  Best laid plans and all…

So, there I am, first load in, tunes blaring away, I’m singing at the top of my lungs.  All is right with the world.  I’m wandering around cleaning this, putting that away, thinking of napping, thinking of reading.  You know how it is.  I decide I need some water; I’m suddenly not drinking enough water especially on the weekends.  I practically skip down the stairs and into the kitchen when something out of place catches my eye in the family room.  Our house is really open so you can basically see into all rooms at all times and there’s something scattered on the family room floor.

This isn’t the big surprise it should be.  Have you met my children?  Okay, well maybe not, but let me tell you they are messy little things.  And then there’s the dog – who I’m sure I’ve mentioned I don’t love.  If Bandit gets pissed he gets destructive.  It’s usually some poor hapless stuffed animal and we find tufts of stuffing flung around the house in little piles.  Based on what I’m seeing out of the corner of my eye, I’m thinking I’m going to have Bandit to thank for what I’m about to clean up.  Eh.. I’m alone, life it good.  Bandit can not ruin my mood.

Okay, I was wrong about that.  Big sigh, let’s go pick up whatever needs picking up and move on, shall we… Okay, not so fast.  My behated dog (that’s a new word and it’s maybe my new favorite) has systematically dismembered a turtle - and unfortunately not one of the stuffed persuasion - on the floor of my family room.  There were blood and guts and shell pieces all over the floor.  Every where I looked my horror increased.  It was the single most vile thing I’ve ever seen in my life – but a fair margin.

I am not a typical girl in most situations.  Generally I just roll up my sleeves and do what needs doing.  I’m here to tell you, I met my limit.  I was a total girl.  I started flapping my arms and saying; Oh my God, Oh my God, Oh my God.  I finally got enough of a hold of myself to get the dog locked outside and to keep from totally losing my cookies.  Then I did what any self respecting girl would do… I went upstairs and hid.  I called Brad and was not surprised to get his voice mail as they were golfing.  I waited a while and called him back and left a very simple, if extremely flat voiced message.  “I need you to call my at your earliest convenience.” 

Of course Brad didn’t get the message until he had pulled into the driveway, but upon hearing how I sounded he called immediately and sent the boys to play instead of letting them come inside.  I told him I’d be right down and once there apologized for being a complete girl (which is new) and explained how I needed him to be the man (which he has no problem with).  He did his best to calm the strange zombie like creature in front of him before he went inside.

He later described it as similar to cleaning a crime scene which I’m hopeful he only knows from watching TV and not from first hand experience, though we’re never ever going to speak of it again so I will never know.

Anyone want a used Jack Russell Terrier?  He’s really cute, I swear he is.

And finally... a family picture

Taken on Easter and not so good of me cuz I’m all leaned back on the slouchy couch – but aren’t my boys cutie-pies???