Here’s the thing. I’m happy… really happy. I’m happy with the choices I’ve made. Happy with where they’ve led me. But… that doesn’t’ mean I don’t still have questions. Recently I’ve been thinking about Trust.
What is it? How is it measured? How is it sustained? What if it’s broken? How do you get it back?
Without going into all the gory details….
He spent several months not giving me the whole truth. He looked me in the eyes and lied to me. He took something from me, from us, we’ll never get back and boy, does that piss me off. But… I decided not to leave, so now what?
The one thing I always believed in from him was his intentions. I knew he wasn’t happy. I knew he didn’t know how to reconcile that with how much of his life had been spent focused in one direction. That it hadn’t been what he wanted, hadn’t been what he thought it would be… I knew he really struggled with living up to the things he’d said and done up to that point. How could so many years of believing in one thing be wrong?
I believed he was beginning to believe in himself, beginning to believe that it was okay to reach for the connection and intensity he’d always wanted, beginning to believe that it was truly ok to just be. And I knew it wasn’t going to be easy for him.
I only ever wanted the truth. I can deal with what needs dealing with – but only if I know what it is. There were several months that were… just bad. Finally I left. I truly believed I’d never go back. I’m still surprised I did. I’m happy I did. There were still more bumps in the road (understatement) after I went back. And the worst of the bumps was the breaking of the trust.
I had a really hard time with how he lied to others. How hard he tried to avoid having to just stand up and say what he wanted – knowing it was going to be hard.
How do you get the trust back? How do you move forward when the trust will never come all the way back? Once upon a time my therapist told me to look at his text messages, to have him give me his passwords so that I could read his emails. I looked for a week or so – but… that’s just not who I am. And frankly – if he wanted to go behind my back he’s clearly capable of creating new emails or getting new phones or … whatever else he might want to do. So… what now?
You just move forward. You take one day at a time. You slowly build the bridge again. You know the bridge won’t be the same, but it can still span the gap. You revel in the beauty between each other. You keep your eyes opened. You don’t let worry build – you ask questions if you have them. You breathe. You thank God for the beauty you share. You delight in the connection. You enjoy each day.
I can’t suddenly be someone I’m not. I can’t tell him what to do. I can’t tell him who he can and can’t talk to. I can’t check up on him and follow around behind him and see what he’s doing. If I were so untrusting that I felt I needed to look, I’d never believe it anyway – I’d always assume there were things I didn’t know about, things he was hiding and it would just make me crazy wondering what I might not be seeing – so after that week or so - I stopped looking. I believe you’ve got to just be. You have to live and let others live as they choose. You’ve got to be clear about who you are and what you need – and then you’ve got to leave it up to…. Life… to belief… to trust. It will be or it won’t.
For all I know, he may think I read his emails every day. Or… maybe he thinks I don’t and he’s carrying on a double life. I don’t believe that one. Because – I do trust. His intentions always spoke to me. Maybe so did the bee – at least when I needed something extra to hold on to.