Tuesday, August 7, 2012

FALL the new F-word...

Little factual background:  Jason has suffered with anxiety issues for the last three plus years.  Some days it’s better than others.  He saw a therapist a year or two ago and we found that extremely helpful and he had a very good time in the last 18 months or so.  But as the end of school neared – which meant the end of elementary school and middle school looming in the fall – it’s all started back up again, which we predicted – only this time it’s on steroids. 

We got him back in therapy with the same person he connected with so well last time though he’s fighting it tooth and nail.  And we have an appointment next week with a psychiatrist to look into putting him on some sort of medication at least while this very acute part of his anxiety is raging.


So it’s Friday morning and I’m driving Jason to camp.  This has been touch and go all summer depending on where he is on the anxiety scale.  He’s clawed himself up from the depths of the hole he was in a couple of weeks ago, thankfully and each day he seems a little better.  On this particular day he was back to his normal funny, snarky self.  All was right in the world and he packed his lunch and got his pool bag ready and off we went. 

I was digging for something in my purse at a light and all but threw my purse on his lap when the light turned green and this caused him to inadvertently hit something in his Eden game on his iTouch.  Somehow he hit TNT and blew up the ladders in the pool he’d just painstakingly created.  This started a hilarious conversation about just how much of a national disaster this was. 

Jason: What if President Obama had been in the pool when you made me burn all my bridges down?

Me: uh… I think his upper arm strength would come through for him and he’d still be able to get out.

Jason: no way, because there were assassins there and they would just keep kicking him to keep him in the pool.  Really this could be a national disaster.

Me: uh.. I feel pretty confident that the secret service would put and end to the kicking assassins.

Jason: no, because they would kill the secret service guys

Me: nope.  The secret service would kill the bad guys.

Jason’s plan got bigger and bigger and involved the assassins going back in time and bringing Albert Einstein to current day and having him invent a miniature tank that could be added like a poison to a member of the Secret Service’s food so they would ingest the tank and then it would expand to normal size, killing the agent and providing great protection against the rest of the Secret Service.  I, of course, maintained that if the Secret Service saw Albert Einstein walking around they would kill him as it would be too out of the ordinary and they would know a plot was at hand.

The point is there was much laughing and frivolity going on throughout the drive to camp up to the point where, about 300 yards before the turn into camp, we passed a long row of trees that are turning fall colors already and I said – omg, Jase, look at those poor confused trees, they think it’s already fall.  They already have four different colors going on. 


I  used the word Fall.  This is a big no no, though I had no idea at the time.  Really I should have been able to anticipate that one – I think of it as a rookie mistake and at this point in time I HATE making rookie mistakes.  But alas…

Jason: Mom, when we get in there please pull into the parking lot and don’t drop me off, I’ve got to talk to you.

Me: (fuck fuck fuck fuck this is never a good sign) ok sweetheart.

Jason: (crying) I can’t do it.  I can’t go.  I’m worried about the bus ride.  Talking about those trees made me think about school and I’m all worried about school and I can’t get it out of my head.

Me: (fuck fuck fuck fuck sticking a fork firmly in my eye) – okay baby, we can do this.  We just need to … blah blah blah….

I got him calmed down enough to go to camp and get on the bus to go swimming.  Phew!

But then….

It’s his second appointment with the therapist and he does not want to go.  He was PISSED at the first meeting.  It made it worse, he doesn’t want to talk to anyone else about his feelings (who would?), we are mean for making him go… But this time he got smarter. 

Jason: Mom, I am afraid of Dr. L. 

Me: afraid?  (he already saw him very successfully and we have several friends whose children have seen the same man over the years very successfully).  Don’t worry, I’ll be right outside.  I know it’s hard, but I know you can do it.

Jason: no, he really creeps me out.  I’m afraid he’s going to hurt me.

Me: (oh Jase, you are a clever one).  He’s not going to hurt you.  He helped you last time.  He helped our friends.  Daddy and I would never take you anywhere unsafe and I’ll be right outside the whole time.

This went on for the entire drive there with him crying constantly.  At some point he realized I was taking him anyway and asked me if I thought he should tell Dr. L that he thought he was creepy.  I told him he certainly could tell him that, he could tell him anything he wanted to, but he didn’t have to share it if he didn’t want to.

The appointment required that I be in the room with him as he could not get himself together without that which was fine of course and Dr. L is very good at what he does and got the crying and incoherent Jason calmed down and willing by the end.  In hindsight it was probably good that the good doctor got to see him like that as it’s not an unusual state for him this summer.

We get in the car afterwards and in about 3 seconds Jason was back to being his normal happy self.  I, on the other hand, was traumatized by the entire experience and wanted a lot of vodka.

I learned that Fall is a very, very bad word and will never be uttered again in.

But then cut to Monday….

Jason’s a little iffy in the morning.  I get his lunch ready to go and he’s ok, but subdued on the drive over.  Until we pass the same fucking trees.

Note to self – go the long way to camp, you idiot!!!  Another rookie mistake.


Oh fuck.  I get us pulled over and he’s out and on his hands and knees in a flash where he soon throws up.  Great – I’m so excited.  We were so close to camp again. 

Jason: Wow!  I feel GREAT!!!  Man I so needed to do that.  It was like a ball in the pit of my stomach all morning.  Let’s go.  It’s Olympic week and I don’t want to be late. 

Again, I’m thinking I need more vodka.

Today we went the long way and didn’t see a single non-green leaf.  There were no issues and Jason couldn’t wait to get there again.

No idea what tomorrow will bring.


FitBy40 said...

Oh Lord, I'm seeing my 6 year old the whole time I'm reading this! She has some pretty intense anxiety about any new or different situation. Oddly enough, she handled our move to a new state pretty well (it's weird the things we think will make them freak out, don't!)
On the first day of anything (school, camp, VBS, vacation...) she has to go to the bathroom about 50 times before we go, and can't eat breakfast at all.
I'm glad to see the therapy seems to be helping because we just might be heading down that road soon.
I won't be saying the 'F' word any time soon!

Finding My Moment said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Finding My Moment said...

What a lot of challenges you and your little guy are handling-- with grace it appears! here is a website that is super helpful- and might be a nice tool to have in the toolbox. Best of luck!


Tina said...

Frickety..children are a pain in the arse sometimes!! I feel for you..and your vodka. I feel for Jack and his stress..Damn FAll anyway.


Jacquie said...


♫ Drazil ♪ said...

Seriously - I want to throw up WITH him...because I know that feeling. God I hate that he (and you by proxy) have to deal with this. BUT as an adult - can you imagine the kind of mental stamina and strength he will have after getting through all this at a young age? Some day - he is going to help kids just like him...I know it.

Joey said...

Oy. This is so tough. You are one strong sister. I mean who do you get to be mad at? The condition? It's like all victims and no bad guy. Poor guy.

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