I need some help...

I need a bit of help... 

There's this great youtube video of a guy who ran his way to losing weight.  I've seen it a bunch of times and can't find it right now.  It's lots of videos of him at varying weights with words in front of the videos - like "and then I ran a mile".... or "and then I ran a marathon".  It's maybe 3 minutes long and extraordinarily inspiring!  With this tiny little description - do any of you know what I'm talking about and what the link might be??  I want to share it with a friend of mine and of course I can't find it now!

Thanks so much and Merry Christmas to you all!!!

Oh how I worry about that boy...

Just to refresh your memories... Tommy is 13.  He's taller than me, which admittedly is not saying much, his voice is lower than my husband's and that is seriously saying something, he's hairy as shit and this still freaks me the fuck out, he wears shoes bigger than my husband.  He's a big strong boy.  He's very bright in the book smarts kind of way and dumb as a rock in the common sense kind of way.  We love him, but (shaking head)... sometimes I just don't know what to do with him.

So... let's see, I guess it was about two weeks or so ago that Tommy notified me that the shampoo that he and his father both use had run out.  (both boys insist on using our shower so it's full of all manner of hair care products).   Okay dear, I'll get some more next time I go to the store - perhaps next time you might want to alert me it's getting low before it's actually run out.... Yes mom.

Well in the intervening time we had a big Christmas party and seriously I could not have cared less if Tom had his particular brand of shampoo as I was preparing for a shit ton of people to come into my house.  So fast forward to last night and Tom is taking his nightly shower.  He storms out to me, half dressed.

Tom: MOM!  (with great reserve) Will.  You.  Please.  Take.  Me.  To.  The.  Store.  So.  I.  Can.  Buy.  Some.  Shampoo.

(I'm sort of impressed he's changed his tune a bit to now want to participate in the shopping trip vs. assuming I'll take care of it for him.)

Me:  Sure, honey.  I'm sorry I haven't gotten it yet, I just haven't been to the store (since the party).  It's on the list, I promise I'll get it the next time I go.

Tom:  (completely put upon) Fine.  Whatever.

Me:  (trying not to laugh)  Baby, just use something else, it'll be fine for a few more days.

Tom:  THERE'S NOTHING ELSE TO USE!

Me: um... Babe?  what have you been using all this time (in your nightly fucking showers???)

Tom:  THERE'S NO OTHER SHAMPOO IN THERE!!

Me:  uh... Babe?  Have you not washed your hair in all this time???

Tom:  THERE'S NO SHAMPOO IN THERE!!  (as if I didn't hear him the first time.)

Me:  uh... Babe?  What do you think I do with my hair every morning?

Tom:  (deer in headlight look)

Me:  Oh my God child.  You have to wash your hair every time.  Let's go look so I can show you all the other fucking shampoo in the fucking shower.  What do you think your dad does?  Do you think he hasn't washed his hair in the last two weeks??  And seriously - do you think I haven't washed my hair???  What about your brother???  Oh my God!

We make it into the shower and the first thing I point out is the Johnson's Baby Shampoo - which Tommy used to wash his hair for his whole life except the last few years.

Me:  uh... Babe?  You had to know this was shampoo as you used it your whole life until recently!!!!

Tom:  I thought that was body wash.

Me:  OMG  Child - seriously - you could use body wash too - the goal is to get soap of some sort on your hair so it becomes clean.  But baby let's look, shall we.... this is shampoo... this is shampoo.... this is shampoo.... You can tell because it actually has the word SHAMPOO on the bottle... (FUCK!!!)  Let's open this closet here, shall we....  Oh look here's a whole big huge bottle of your favorite shampoo - right here, front and center.  (Fuckity fuck fuck fuck)

Tom:  Oh.. hmmm, that'll work.


OMG - He has my hair - only it's light brown, so it's usually puffy and curly and I LOVE it long.  But if it gets too long some of the curl comes out of it and it looks a little stringy and straight - I was totally thinking he needed a haircut because his hair was looking a little longer and straighter than normal.... Uh... Guess what??  The next morning his hair was all puffy and curly again.

Man do I worry about that child.....

Emotions and chaos... (I think I need more in my life)

So... let's talk about the husband, Dan shall we?  I haven't talked about him in a while.  We've been getting along really well of late; touching, kissing, talking, cuddling.  And then it's time for therapy again...

Each week on Tuesday's I'm all kinds of stressed all day long because so often I end up feeling kicked in the stomach. 

And guess what... I got kicked again.  He can't ask me for help because I'm not empathetic.  Of course the fact that I can't ask him for help because he keeps telling me to go away (figuratively not literally) is, I'm sure, my fault as well.

She had reviewed the assessments we filled out a while ago and was commenting on how we're very similar in our inability to ask for help - that the lessons from our childhoods taught us it was not safe to ask for help and we both adapted extremely well to that.  (this is why I'm sure we were initially a match made in heaven initially). 

Oh and I found it fascinating that she said my answers, came from a far more emotional space than his did.  I did not spit my water all over the room and think I deserve a prize for that.

But - we were talking about how he's really stressed about his upcoming hernia surgery and she started modeling how to ask for help and modeling for me on how to respond to him appropriately.  So ultimately he said something and every single thing that popped into my head to say - I was completely sure he wouldn't like.  So I told her I had no idea what to say - so she took over and OMG - I had no idea what the hell she was saying.  She was basically just going through the .... repeat back to someone what they say, but in your own words.  Which Brad responded to really well.  So - it wasn't so much asking for help as it was... wanting to talk about something that was hard and I can certainly do that. 

But then he used how I reacted about his neck surgery five years ago as a “perfect example of how un-empathetic I am”  His only memory of that time is how I kept pressuring him to not delay the surgery any longer so it wouldn’t screw up my birthday party.  Okay – I have no idea what he’s talking about, but let’s go with it, shall we… I am a tasky girl I can easily see myself worrying about the schedule.

Ultimately we have this exchange about this topic;
Me: tell me how this is the perfect example of something bad about me.
Dan: you were so concerned about your party that you didn’t care that I was scared to death.
M: From my vantage point you were reacting to that upcoming procedure the same exact way you reacted to anything medical done – the sky is falling.
D: I am a hypochondriac (smiling)
M: ya think?  But, how was I supposed to know that this time was different for you?
D: (angry) How could you not know?  It was a big deal.
M: It’s not how I reacted to my back surgery.
D: BUT I’M NOT YOU!!! (still angry)
M: and I’m not you and I can’t read your mind.  Can you allow for the possibility that I saw you reacting the same way you react to everything else medical and went with that?
D: BUT YOU DID FIGURE IT OUT. (as if this proved his point)  You figured out I was really freaking out and you got the surgeon to tell me how serious it was in a way I would hear so I’d get the surgery and stop looking for crazy alternatives around the country.
M: okay, so I did figure it out.  I did pay enough attention to determine that this was different for you?
D: yes
M: but you still only look at this as a perfect example of how un-empathetic I am?  Can we look at it another way?  How many times have I ever wanted a party for myself in the 20 years we’ve known each other?
D: (quietly) once
M: how many times do I turn 40 in my life?
D: once
M: is it possible that having the party was important to me and that your attendance at the party was important to me.
D: (angry again) BUT I WAS ALMOST FULLY RECOVERED BY THE PARTY
M: is it possible that’s because I made sure it was scheduled early enough to make sure that happened?
M: is it possible that I could have interpreted your not wanting a medical procedure – delaying it for months and months – which is your normal go to reaction to any medical procedure big or small, was not being supportive of something I had indicated was important to me – something I have never ever once asked for before or since?
D: yes, it’s possible.
M: Do you know what I remember about my back surgery?  The only thing I remember. 
D: that I fucked something up
M: that when I was scared and telling you that if I died to make sure the kids know me – make sure they spend plenty of time with my sister (who’s like me) and I told you I loved you that you didn’t say it back.  That you didn’t tell me you loved me when I needed to hear it most.  That’s my only memory
D: That’s a crappy memory to have to have
M: it is, but I don’t hold it against you.  I’m not angry about it. 

Of course I was crying by this point and I’m skipping lots of drama that existed in and out and around this conversation and really I’m condensing a few conversations into that one.  There was also yelling and storming in and out and more crying and harshness and all manner of unpleasantness – can we see why I hate Tuesday’s??? 


We went on to talk about how non supportive he is to me and I gave him examples – like my back surgery – it’s not that he didn’t love me, we tell each other we love each other a bunch of times every day.  He just didn’t tell me at that moment when I really needed to hear it because he was focused on other things; his fear, the schedule – how long would surgery take, who had the kids, his fear, where would he be, when could he see me again, who was going to come talk to him and probably most of all his fear.  He wasn’t focused on me.  On how scared I was, on what I needed while I was scared.  There were other examples and he heard them and when all was said and done

I do that kind of thing well I think and I think he’d agree with that.  What I don’t have are the flowery words or style that highlights my doing it.

Sigh

When all was said and done it turned out well.  I think we moved forward not backwards.  We’re still feeling close and connected to each other – and I suspect each time we have one of these awful interactions it teaches him (and me too) that big emotions and chaos or whatever does not mean the end of the world – it just means big emotions and chaos.

BYOC - does anyone care that I'm doing it on Monday and not Friday???

It’s Friday so it’s time for Draz's BYOC – Bring Your Own Crazy! We answer a few questions in order to get to know each other better and to give our blogging brains a break! Copy to your own blog if you wish and ENJOY!


Let’s do a little themed version of where you live and why!
1. Describe the structure you live in. (apartment, condo, house, mansion, cardboard box?)

I live in a very suburban 4 bedroom home.  Here it is all lit up for Christmas.

I love you all and hope you're all well!!! 

2. Describe the city you live in. (population, main attractions)

I live in a Suburb between Baltimore and DC – it’s closer to Baltimore.  It’s got an extremely cute and quaint downtown that people flock to for its cute stone fronted shops, antique stores, and lovely little restaurants.  It’s also got really good schools so people flock to the area for that reason alone.  We’re very lucky to live here.  I just had to google our population as I didn't have a frikkin clue - it's 56,397 - and once a quater when Ricky is here for a month it's 56,397 and a half.
3. Why do you live in the town you live in? (job, to get away from a different town, family, schools?)

I’m a bay sticker – meaning I can’t live too far from the Chesapeake bay or I start to get hives.  Though I do now live in a land locked county and I’m still struggling with that decision.  We moved here because of the schools and to our house specifically because it’s as close to my job as possible while staying in the county we live in.
4. What’s the view like from your backyard?

Lots of trees.  We back up to a state park and the trees hang over our deck – often giving the squirrels or occasional snake an easy entrance ramp to come visit.  Every so often we have to trim back a branch here and there to make it a little less easy for our visitors.  Though Bandit does love to sit by the window and wait for the squirrels to come and try to eat the bird food.
5. Repeat question: How has your week been in blogland and in real life?

This was a really, really good week for me.  (a little extended as I’m doing this on Monday instead of Friday).  We had our annual Christmas party this weekend and it was probably the best one we've ever had.  There was just a really fun vibe all throughout the whole night.  Blogland??? hmmm - well I pretty much suck - I pretty much haven't been here at all.  In my defense I had 80 people to my house on Saturday who were all well fed and happy so hopefully that gives me a bit of a pass for the week!!