I'm minding my own business. I've got my head down. I'm sitting at my desk working diligently. My cell phone rings - which it never does at work. Surprised, I pick it up and then POW I get wacked upside the head. And who's doing the whacking, you ask? Ricky, my MIL by way of my husband.
Brad: Honey, in a wierd kind of way, my mom just asked if she could stay longer.
Wait! What? She's leaving today. Her plane takes off at 3:30. It's in my calendar..... yup, I checked, it's still there.
Me: (frantically thinking of a reason other than my sanity, which I know is totally valid, why she can't stay. But really, other than the pure insanity that is my MIL she's just another kid in the house that needs to be watched and managed. And I don't think the rest of the world is as nice to her as we are. Of course my mom says this is my first problem.) um. What did she say?
Him: we were getting her hair done (so she'd look purdy for all her friends back home) and she started talking about how nice we are to her and how much she's enjoying herself and was thinking she might want to stay a little longer. (Her flight was due to take off in about 4 hours - and now's when she mentions it) I can't think of any reason for her not to stay a little longer - at least not until I start traveling again. (OMG - I can't either. I'm even working ridiculous hours so I'm barely even seeing her - it's not like it even effects me that much.)
Me: For how much longer?
Him: A week or so. (that "or so" in Brad speak means - for as long as she wants until I have to travel again the week of January 24th.)
Me: Okay. woo hoo.
So now I'll get to tell you guys about the talk I had to have with her in advance of our friends and their two daughters coming over to watch football last weekend.....
We'd been looking for an opportunity to have this family over for a while and it all seemed to come together perfectly. My very, very, good friend Jen and her family which includes twin girls in the 3rd grade were already coming over and our other friends have twin girls in the 4th grade with Jackson - not to mention both families are a little "crunchier" than Brad and I and just knew they'd hit it off really well so that was a total bonus.
So there I am putting together some football munchies and straightening up a little extra as this is the first time these particular friends are coming over as they're fairly new to our neighborhood. Jen is totally a part of my family - we've been friends since before Brad and I got married and have been through everything together - she's the kind of friend I'd never clean for - LOL. But, I've got the music cranked and am all kinds of pleased with myself cuz I just know that Jen and Renee are really going to hit if off and when else would I have the opportunity to get them in the same room. And then. OMG. It hits me.
My mother-in-law is here. Man am I good at denial, or what? This is the same woman who ever single day says "I think gays are just as good as normal people" I swear she means well - but - okay I can only tell you they are normal people just like you and me so many times. Our friends who are coming over - who've never been to our house before - they're gay and I'm bringing them here while Ricky's here. For the first time. They don't know me well enough for the potential pitfalls not to worry me.
She'd never be mean, she's not a mean person - but she's... she's something. She's a serious talker and I could see her saying something like... "so, I don't think I'd want to have sex (whispered) with another man again after my Darryl died cuz I only did that when I had to with him, but maybe with a woman it would be different, what do you think Renee? Is sex better with a woman?" Or maybe she'd go off on a political tangent; "Like I tell Read every day, I think you are just as good as normal people, I think the government gives you a bad wrap." OMG. They're going to think we're insane. Or she'll tell them how her friend Lois at church had a son who died of aids and lived with a man but he wasn't gay; Lois is sure of it.
So I sat that woman down and we had a talk about lesbians and what it was okay to say and what it wasn't okay to say. And she said to me "Oh Read, I wouldn't say anything like that. Do you think I'm that dumb?" Man if there was ever a loaded question.... But I managed to restrain myself and said - no, I don't think you're dumb, I think you're curious and might start asking them questions you'd never ask a couple if it was a man and a woman. You can't ask them about their sex life, promise me Ricky. You will not ask them about their sex life.
But - eh, that's all I could do. Everyone came over, we watched football, Ricky talked non-stop - she had a new audiance - poor Renee and Lori - they got to learn about all 237 sisters and brothers she has and all their ailments and what her niece Carrie is in jail for now - and how Carrie's kids all have kids of their own now, even the 15 year old. Eventually, the game got really good and we all started ignoring her and she went up to take a nap.
After the neighbors left, Brad and Jen both were shocked at how well Ricky did and I told them of the conversation I had with her. Jen laughed - and Brad thanked God he wasn't within ear shot.
The upside to this, I suppose is that I'll have a few more blog posts coming.... Please send me strength!!
And there's no doubt that from this point forward she'll talk about our nice lesbian (whispered) friends who were just as good as normal people.
Thursday, January 13, 2011
Tuesday, January 11, 2011
A few more MIL things...
She just walked out of her room, past my open bedroom door where I'm sitting looking for cool home organizational tools (feel free to make suggestions. I'm making a command center and I'm way excited.) But back to Ricky - she just walked by my room on her way to the bathroom. No biggie, right? Yeah, well she was nearly naked. She was putting on her housecoat as she walked by. She had one arm through... and that was about it. Seriously? Seriously? You can't cover yourself before you open your bedroom door? I know I don't want to see that stuff - but I sure as hell don't want my 10 and 12 year old sons to see that shit.
Last time she was here (For. Four. Solid. Months.) Brad had to have a conversation with her about walking to the bathroom in her bra and granny panties. Because, as she had apparently forgotten, we have two CHILDREN and they do not need to see that much of their grandma. Oh my God woman!!
There was a threat of snow today so of course our county closed schools an hour early - I swear MD has lost it's ever lovin' mind. The snow was scheduled to start at around 4pm. That's 4 pm - more than an hour after the latest schools close. But for some reason it was important to close the schools an hour early. Of course it didn't actually start snowing until about 5 and I hear we're now supposed to get about 2 inches - thank God the kids got out early! Phew, imaginary crisis averted!!
Anyway - I had to leave work early during my busiest time of the year because Brad had a doctor's appointment right when Jack would be getting out of school so he couldn't get him off the bus. I got home and made great use of my unexpected time off.... and then Ricky came down.
Ricky: hiiiii Jaaaaackson, yooorr soo cuuutte. (looking to me) Iiiisssn't heeee cuuute?
Me: uh.. Yes, he's very cute.
Perhaps she doesn't realize he's 10? What do you think?
Okay - one more thing.... You'd think that with Brad at the doctor's but Grandma at home I wouldn't have had to come home from work, wouldn't you? Well... yeah, leaving the kids with grandma is not an option. Brad and I have a pretty low threshold for babysitters at this point. Our base line requirement is that if the house was on fire we expect our babysitter to give their best effort to get the children out. That's really all we require. Well their grandma (this particular grandma)... she doesn't meet that requirement. Not even close.
If the house were to catch fire - the most likely scenario is that she wouldn't notice anything was amiss. (hmmmm, I wonder what that repeated high pitched noise it - I wish it would shut up so I could hear my shows better) - but if by some miracle she did notice a fire for what it was - she would immediately leave and look for someone to tell about her problems. How hard it was to lose her grandchildren to a fire like that. The lord must have been ready to bring them home. I hope it doesn't trigger another depression in me. But, if it does - well, that's a pretty serious thing. And it's a real cause for depression so I'll just have to deal with it. With the lord's help I'll get through it. Read and Brad must not have taught them what to do in case of a fire. They'll know next time though, won't they.
Of course in this same scenario - my kids would have gone to a neighbor's house to call for help while they watched their grandma out the window as she wandered looking for warm bodies who's ear she could chew off.
Don't you wish you were here too?
Oh - and....
Has anyone seen the commercial where the really hot men are "dressed" in body paint in various costumes; baseball uniform, mechanic's uniform - things like that - and they are washing their day (and all the paint) away. YUMMMMMM. I'm sorry, I got distracted there for a minute.
Last time she was here (For. Four. Solid. Months.) Brad had to have a conversation with her about walking to the bathroom in her bra and granny panties. Because, as she had apparently forgotten, we have two CHILDREN and they do not need to see that much of their grandma. Oh my God woman!!
There was a threat of snow today so of course our county closed schools an hour early - I swear MD has lost it's ever lovin' mind. The snow was scheduled to start at around 4pm. That's 4 pm - more than an hour after the latest schools close. But for some reason it was important to close the schools an hour early. Of course it didn't actually start snowing until about 5 and I hear we're now supposed to get about 2 inches - thank God the kids got out early! Phew, imaginary crisis averted!!
Anyway - I had to leave work early during my busiest time of the year because Brad had a doctor's appointment right when Jack would be getting out of school so he couldn't get him off the bus. I got home and made great use of my unexpected time off.... and then Ricky came down.
Ricky: hiiiii Jaaaaackson, yooorr soo cuuutte. (looking to me) Iiiisssn't heeee cuuute?
Me: uh.. Yes, he's very cute.
Perhaps she doesn't realize he's 10? What do you think?
Okay - one more thing.... You'd think that with Brad at the doctor's but Grandma at home I wouldn't have had to come home from work, wouldn't you? Well... yeah, leaving the kids with grandma is not an option. Brad and I have a pretty low threshold for babysitters at this point. Our base line requirement is that if the house was on fire we expect our babysitter to give their best effort to get the children out. That's really all we require. Well their grandma (this particular grandma)... she doesn't meet that requirement. Not even close.
If the house were to catch fire - the most likely scenario is that she wouldn't notice anything was amiss. (hmmmm, I wonder what that repeated high pitched noise it - I wish it would shut up so I could hear my shows better) - but if by some miracle she did notice a fire for what it was - she would immediately leave and look for someone to tell about her problems. How hard it was to lose her grandchildren to a fire like that. The lord must have been ready to bring them home. I hope it doesn't trigger another depression in me. But, if it does - well, that's a pretty serious thing. And it's a real cause for depression so I'll just have to deal with it. With the lord's help I'll get through it. Read and Brad must not have taught them what to do in case of a fire. They'll know next time though, won't they.
Of course in this same scenario - my kids would have gone to a neighbor's house to call for help while they watched their grandma out the window as she wandered looking for warm bodies who's ear she could chew off.
Don't you wish you were here too?
Oh - and....
Has anyone seen the commercial where the really hot men are "dressed" in body paint in various costumes; baseball uniform, mechanic's uniform - things like that - and they are washing their day (and all the paint) away. YUMMMMMM. I'm sorry, I got distracted there for a minute.
Monday, January 10, 2011
Let's talk about my Mother-in-law, shall we...
Okay – well… She’s a lovely person who means well. And if there was some way to make her truly understand what a pain in the ass she is, she’d be horrified.
Some of the things we see and hear every day.
To Jackson
Every time she sees him, even if he was just in the room 2 minutes ago and has now come back. “Iiiiisssnn’t he cuuuute? He’s such a cutie.” said in a little baby voice to my 10 year old. “I just want to eat him up. I’m gonna pack him up and put him in my suitcase and take him with me. Hey Jackson
“What?” he always answers as he’s totally learned to tune her out.
“How would you like it if I packed you up and put you in my suitcase and took you home with me?”
“No.” He answers flatly as he quickly leaves the room again, hoping to catch my eye so he can roll his.
About half the time she continues to me “Would you mind if I packed him up and put him in my suitcase and took him home with me?”
Depending on my mood I might answer – “Yes, Ricky, I would still mind. Just like I said the last time you asked, you still can’t take him home with you.”
Just to keep count she said the sentence “…I’m gonna pack him/you up and put him/you in my suitcase..” three separate times in that one little interchange. And that little convo happens at least 3 or 4 times in the short time I see her after work and before bed. Every. Single. Day.
To Teddy
Ricky: Look at me.
Teddy reluctantly tears his eyes away from the TV or book to look at her expectantly.
Ricky: Your eyes. You prolly (spelling intentional) don’t want to hear this, but you’ve got the pretties eyes.
Teddy does have gorgeous, big, very green eyes that people have been commenting on his entire life, but he’s heard her tell him this exact same thing no less than 30 times in the week or so she’s been here.
Teddy: uh, thanks (mumbled as only a pre teen can do)
Ricky (to me): doesn’t he have the prettiest eyes. Oh! (she looks furtively around for Jackson who has the exact same eyes only his are hazel so not as eye popping) well, of course Jackson
Me: yes, they both are very lucky to have beautiful eyes.
To me (I get a choice of several):
Choice 1
Ricky: I think it’s better now then it was when I was growing up, people are more tollrent (spelling intentional) now. I think gays are fine. They’re people too just like normal people.
Me: Ricky, they are normal people. Unlike you. (okay, I may just want to say that last part)
Choice 2:
Ricky: I didn’t vote for him, but that poor Labamba (spelling intentional) is getting blamed for everything.
Me: His name is Obama. I don’t care if you don’t agree with him, but you have to learn his name; he’s the President of the United States
Ricky: But they blame him for everything. He should be putting in those things that what’s his name… Clinton
Me: OMG, we’ve been over this. The death squads don’t exist. They were created by his opponents and made up. It was a lie. It’s not real. I promise you it’s not real. I believe Sarah Palin first used the term in a speech.
Ricky: I think that Sharon Falin (spelling intentional) is a pretty woman, but I wouldn’t want her to be the vice president or the president.
I could go on, but you get the idea. I could have both sides of all the conversations with her for tonight before I get there.
The ick factor (I’m sorry Draz, if you are reading this, you should probably stop now):
She burps and farts. A lot. “Oh, skoos me” she says. A lot. I have to check the top of the toilettes in the two bathrooms she uses a lot as there is often stuff left on the seat that just shouldn’t be there.
She is a diabetic and on a lot of medication. She takes her meds in the morning including giving herself an insulin shot – which she does by twisting her body and pulling down her pants at the breakfast table regardless of who’s in the room with her. My children have seen FAR more than they ever needed to see of a 65ish year old woman.
She often walks around the house in an old fashioned house coat. The kind that buttons up the front. Hers stops above her knees and is very old. So as she sits with her legs apart (as she often does) – we all get to see far more than we bargained for.
Me: Close your legs Ricky!
Her: Oh skoos me.
Friday, January 7, 2011
BYOC
Okay - on to BYOC! 5 little questions we answer to get to know each other better and to give our brains a break from coming up with blog material! Copy and paste and enjoy!
1. If you could have only three electrical items/appliances...what would they be? (Um...whose gonna be the first to say you know what? (Perverts - all of you!!))
I so completely want to say my friend the magic wand, but alas with all the battery opperated choices out there, not to mention my own hands, or my husband's mouth, or.... well, you get the idea... The poor wand just wouldn't make the cut.So, hmmm I guess it would be my laptop to keep me connected and entertained, the TV to keep my children entertained so I can have some peace, and a heat pump that can keep us cool in the summers and warm in the winters.
2. What do you think Satan's middle name is?
Okay this is funny! Of course Damian seems like the obvious choice, but I'm going with Nathanial. I think Satan Nathanial just sort of rolls off the tongue.
3. Name two things you are VERY good at. (Again - can't wait for these answers)
-- I'm very good at numbers; thus the whole CPA thing
-- (this is just for Draz) I've been told I give a mind blowing, bring tears to your eyes, blow job.
4. What is your favorite sundae topping?
The traditional hot fudge would be my choice if I were forced to only pick one, but if I had my way it would be a mix of hot fudge, peanut butter sauce, and peanuts on top of cookies and cream ice cream. You have it all accounted for with that - from my way of thinking - smooth, crunchy, cold, hot, and who doesn't love peanut butter and chocolate together!
5. Summarize your life in blog land and in real life this week.
In real life - Holy crap am I busy! January is my busiest month by far. I'll put in a few 80 hour weeeks and the rest will be more than 60. Many of you may be used to that kind of pace, but when it's over, I will be very, very happy!!! There's talk of a possible local BOOBs get together on the first day I could possibly make it - 1/24 - and I'm wildly excited about that.
Oh!... dun dun dun. This damn North East snow storm has caused my MIL to extend her stay with us until Thursday of next week instead of TOMORROW!!! Send me strength!!!
weigh in day...
Today was 194.2 which is down 2 from last week and down 40.8 in total.
I was stuck at 196.4 all week long despite exercising 4 days and eating very well (as in, just how I wanted to be eating). It was a little odd, but I wasn't stressing about it (much) as I knew I was doing all the right things. Then I got the big 'ol fill yesterday and didn't eat much of anything after 2pm... and then today I woke up and was down 2.2 lbs from yesterday. Whatever, I'll take it!
I hope everyone has a fantastic week!!
I was stuck at 196.4 all week long despite exercising 4 days and eating very well (as in, just how I wanted to be eating). It was a little odd, but I wasn't stressing about it (much) as I knew I was doing all the right things. Then I got the big 'ol fill yesterday and didn't eat much of anything after 2pm... and then today I woke up and was down 2.2 lbs from yesterday. Whatever, I'll take it!
I hope everyone has a fantastic week!!
Thursday, January 6, 2011
The story of the accidental big girl fill...
As you may know I've had issues with my band doctor and have decided I need to change doctors. I think I've even identified the doctor I want to change to (in fact a friend of mine who I met through the stupid support group meetings has already changed from our Dr. Weird (as she named him) to this new doctor). However, this is my busy season at work and I can't do much of anything during January beyond work (like blogging) and knew it would be a while before I even make the initial call to see if he takes my insurance and will take me as a new patient and whatnot.
I decided it would be prudent to call Dr. Weird and make an appointment just in case the other one doesn't work out as it usually takes 6-8 weeks to get an appointment. I figured by the time the appointment came around I could always cancel it if I needed to. I called on Monday and they had an opening today (3 days later). I hesitated, but decided.. what the hell. If it does end up that I stay with Dr. Weird even for the short term, a new baseline weight (where I wasn't trying to be heavier than I am) and an uneventful appointment would probably be a good idea for any future appointments.
I've been at a pretty good place restriction-wise, but I've thought I could probably use a tiny little fill, but not so much that I was willing to fight for it as has proven necessary in the past. I almost wore a dress to work today knowing I would not be getting a fill so it didn't matter. At the last minute I decided to put on pants because I was willing to get a small fill if somehow the world shifted and he'd turned human. But I was still totally planning to tell him that; yes, my appetite has magically gone down, and that no, I didn't really need a fill.
So, I get there and he says.... so you've lost 14 lbs in the last 10 weeks. (I'd lost less than a pound a week when I'd been there last time and we had that huge battle). I did my best to remain completely quiet unless he asked me a question.... just ready to smile, and nod and tell him everything is going great! He asked the normal questions about water and protein intake and exercise and I answered honestly - I'm still mostly doing all the right things. He asked about my appetite and I told him I think the last fill had really helped with the appetite (there was not a hint of 'I told you so' in my voice). He asked about the quantity of food I could consume and I told him honestly that I could no doubt eat more than 1 cup of food at a time, but I was generally not.
Then......
Dr. Weird: So, do you think you need a fill?
Me: (shaking my head) No, not really. I'm in a pretty good place. I could probably stand a very small fill of .1 or .2 ccs, but I'm pretty happy with where I am.
Dr. Weird: (stared silently at me waiting for me to continue)
Me: uh... (smiling trying to project the love between us) Um. I don't really think I need one, but would be willing to get a very small one if you thought that was a good idea.
(at this point I was thinking, Hell, I think he's going to give me a fill - and all because I appealed to his obviously small penis by suggesting I really didn't know what was best for me - internally I was totally shaking my head)
Dr. Weird: okay, well let's give you one.
well, knock me down and slap my ass (please!)
Me: okay. (I'm glad I didn't put that dress on)
He gets the stuff ready and I hop up on the table and he does his stuff and when he's done I ask.
Me: So, how much did you put in (dirty)?
DW: 1.5 ccs
(Holy Big Girl Fill Batman!!!!!!!)
Me: HOLY COW!!!! (I caught the SHIT before it jumped out of my mouth, but didn't manage to remotely hide the complete shock from my face and tone of voice).
(I was thinking, OMG, my period starts in the next day or two and so I'm already at my tightest which is pretty dang tight at this time of the month and he just put in nearly 40% more than I already had. This isn't going to work.)
He gives me some water to drink and the first few sips seemingly go down well. But I had purposely taken TINY sips. He was watching me very closely, I'm sure because of my earlier 'holy cow'. We went back and forth about whether it was really going down and after less than 2 oz of the tiniest sips possible the gurgling gassy noises started popping out as the air was trying to make room for the water. I asked him if this didn't work out, if in a couple of days I couldn't eat anything besides liquids how would he handle that, totally thinking he'd do a total unfill, but he said he'd probably take out about half of what he'd just put in (dirty). But after another few sips it was clear the water wasn't really going down. So I hopped back on the table and he took out .5cc and the water went down fine.
So in summary, last time when I really thought I needed a fill he barely gave me .5cc which was a fine size for me, but a seemingly big fucking deal to him and this time when I was pretty fine with where I was though suggested a .1 or .2cc fill was probably an okay thing he started at 1.5cc - WTF???? So I went in thinking there's no way in hell I'm getting a fill (and perfectly happy with that) to getting 25% more added to my band.
I'm telling you, it was a total accident, I swear! I'm on liquids for 2 days then 2 days of mushies and given TOM's impending arrival I'm going to religiously stick to that and then we'll just have to see.
I decided it would be prudent to call Dr. Weird and make an appointment just in case the other one doesn't work out as it usually takes 6-8 weeks to get an appointment. I figured by the time the appointment came around I could always cancel it if I needed to. I called on Monday and they had an opening today (3 days later). I hesitated, but decided.. what the hell. If it does end up that I stay with Dr. Weird even for the short term, a new baseline weight (where I wasn't trying to be heavier than I am) and an uneventful appointment would probably be a good idea for any future appointments.
I've been at a pretty good place restriction-wise, but I've thought I could probably use a tiny little fill, but not so much that I was willing to fight for it as has proven necessary in the past. I almost wore a dress to work today knowing I would not be getting a fill so it didn't matter. At the last minute I decided to put on pants because I was willing to get a small fill if somehow the world shifted and he'd turned human. But I was still totally planning to tell him that; yes, my appetite has magically gone down, and that no, I didn't really need a fill.
So, I get there and he says.... so you've lost 14 lbs in the last 10 weeks. (I'd lost less than a pound a week when I'd been there last time and we had that huge battle). I did my best to remain completely quiet unless he asked me a question.... just ready to smile, and nod and tell him everything is going great! He asked the normal questions about water and protein intake and exercise and I answered honestly - I'm still mostly doing all the right things. He asked about my appetite and I told him I think the last fill had really helped with the appetite (there was not a hint of 'I told you so' in my voice). He asked about the quantity of food I could consume and I told him honestly that I could no doubt eat more than 1 cup of food at a time, but I was generally not.
Then......
Dr. Weird: So, do you think you need a fill?
Me: (shaking my head) No, not really. I'm in a pretty good place. I could probably stand a very small fill of .1 or .2 ccs, but I'm pretty happy with where I am.
Dr. Weird: (stared silently at me waiting for me to continue)
Me: uh... (smiling trying to project the love between us) Um. I don't really think I need one, but would be willing to get a very small one if you thought that was a good idea.
(at this point I was thinking, Hell, I think he's going to give me a fill - and all because I appealed to his obviously small penis by suggesting I really didn't know what was best for me - internally I was totally shaking my head)
Dr. Weird: okay, well let's give you one.
well, knock me down and slap my ass (please!)
Me: okay. (I'm glad I didn't put that dress on)
He gets the stuff ready and I hop up on the table and he does his stuff and when he's done I ask.
Me: So, how much did you put in (dirty)?
DW: 1.5 ccs
(Holy Big Girl Fill Batman!!!!!!!)
Me: HOLY COW!!!! (I caught the SHIT before it jumped out of my mouth, but didn't manage to remotely hide the complete shock from my face and tone of voice).
(I was thinking, OMG, my period starts in the next day or two and so I'm already at my tightest which is pretty dang tight at this time of the month and he just put in nearly 40% more than I already had. This isn't going to work.)
He gives me some water to drink and the first few sips seemingly go down well. But I had purposely taken TINY sips. He was watching me very closely, I'm sure because of my earlier 'holy cow'. We went back and forth about whether it was really going down and after less than 2 oz of the tiniest sips possible the gurgling gassy noises started popping out as the air was trying to make room for the water. I asked him if this didn't work out, if in a couple of days I couldn't eat anything besides liquids how would he handle that, totally thinking he'd do a total unfill, but he said he'd probably take out about half of what he'd just put in (dirty). But after another few sips it was clear the water wasn't really going down. So I hopped back on the table and he took out .5cc and the water went down fine.
So in summary, last time when I really thought I needed a fill he barely gave me .5cc which was a fine size for me, but a seemingly big fucking deal to him and this time when I was pretty fine with where I was though suggested a .1 or .2cc fill was probably an okay thing he started at 1.5cc - WTF???? So I went in thinking there's no way in hell I'm getting a fill (and perfectly happy with that) to getting 25% more added to my band.
I'm telling you, it was a total accident, I swear! I'm on liquids for 2 days then 2 days of mushies and given TOM's impending arrival I'm going to religiously stick to that and then we'll just have to see.
Sunday, January 2, 2011
My New Year's Intentions list..... oh boy.
I really like the idea of a list of intentions - not so much resolutions, that feel so much more... permanent... pass or fail... good or bad. Whereas intentions is more like - where do you want to head? More like - what's your direction going to be vs. what's the end result going to be... yeah, that's it.
Okay so....
Happy New Year to everyone. I'll throw out some more MIL stories tomorrow!
Okay so....
- I want to work on simplifying my life. Purge those things I don't love or don't need.
- I'm going to let out my inner neat freak. Because I suffer from PSDS I had to let go of my need for everything to be in its place. It was just too stressful. Especially when I had kids, some things needed to go if I was going to remain sane. Well my youngest is now 10 and I just can't live this way anymore. Things are clean, but there are always. Always. piles of shit here or there. Mail that just hasn't been put away, stuff that needs to go upstairs, school papers that need to be filed. The balance changed a while ago, but it took me a long time to figure it out. It used to be more stressful to worry about that stuff while the kids were young and we were both working (I'm not the superwoman that others are) - but now it's more stressful not to worry about that stuff. I was able to keep Betty, my inner neat freak, locked away in one of my secure boxes in my brain and ignore her. But the kids require less constant stuff; they can feed and dress themselves - that kind of thing and I can now hear Betty kicking and screaming to get out. Watch out world, I'm letting her out.
- I want to lose a bunch of weight. I don't want to be more specific than that because I don't think I'll know where I want to get to until I'm there. I do know that I want to step up my efforts for the next 20 lbs. When I lost a bunch of weight several years ago I got down to 175 and felt really good there. Not that I wanted to stay there, but I felt good. I want to step up my efforts until I get back there. Then I can continue on with my original weight loss efforts and we'll see what we see.
- I want to get back to the workout mama I used to be. I love to sweat. I love to work out and I want to get back to it seriously. (for those of you who don't - I didn't used to love it, but one day I told myself it would be easier if I did, so I decided that I loved it. I would literally cheer when the first bead of sweat would trickle down somewhere. Every time I worked out I reminded myself I loved this feeling. Over time I noticed the things that truly were wonderful about it; sleep, energy, mood, etc. And I just started believing the hype. Even though it was my hype - I wore myself down. If I can do it, I swear so can you. Give it a try, I dare you.) (but you will need to commit to this "experiment" for a year or more)
- I want to have a better sense of what I want from my husband and marriage. Where I think we're going. I think, even if I decide I can't keep doing this, I'm not going to go anywhere. It's not so awful and I just don't want to do that to my kids when they are in or nearing puberty. Not to mention my husband has given me permission to have sex with other men. Which I suppose is a whole different post - but it is what it is. I'd never do anything behind his back. But maybe at some point in the next year - we'll go to counseling, or I'll decide I can't keep trying anymore and find someone else who can meet some of my emotional needs, or we'll figure out how to be happy together again. This one is really part of number 1 above; I want to simplify. And right now, it's just not simple.
Happy New Year to everyone. I'll throw out some more MIL stories tomorrow!
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