Some Ricky-isms....

Ricky: Do you know where the egg thing is?

Me: I don’t know what the egg thing is.

Ricky: You know, the egg thing.

Me: I don’t know, I swear.

It turns out it was the spatula.  I suggested looking in the drawer where we keep the spatulas.  The same drawer where the spatulas have been kept for all 10 years we've lived here.  

(Note: she made herself eggs each morning this week while husband was away and I was at work - I wonder what she used to flip them?)

A minute or so later her eggs were making noise - she had it on high and the noise made her look.  She looked towards the stove where her eggs were sizzling on high - and also where I had some ravioli boiling on the back burner.

Ricky: your things are cooking

Me: that noise is your eggs.  Is that the temperature you want it on?

(so she went and looked closer and fiddled with the temp thing until she had it on ignite and then walked away with it clicking)

Me: Uh Ricky - that noise is your clue that it's igniting and you shouldn't leave it with that sound going.

Ricky: oh... hmmm... ok

(she said she used to have a stove like that and she had problems with it and it eventually stopped working)

This is a little conversation I just had with my friend Farrah

Me: Ricky just asked me if i remembered going to jcpenny's last year.  That was when she pooped.  In the fitting room.  So yes, yes I remember.

Farrah: no repeat performances today please

Me: she wanted to get another pair of the peddle pushers she got (I got her) there.  The ones she had to put on so I could throw away her clothes.  Yeah, I remember.  Apparently they don't fit her anymore.  Gee sorry.

(We found an almost identical pair while we were out shopping yesterday and we had no incidents whatsoever.)

BYOC!!! Bring Your Own Crazy!! (edited - MIL)

Okay - it's Friday - which means it's time for BYOC. Bring Your Own Crazy!

This week Draz dipped into the family reserves (2 daughters and Rambo) and asked them what they'd like to ask you guys.

#1 comes from Rambo....
1. If you were going to scratch your ass in public, which cheek would you start with?
Seriously??? OMG Rambo. But… I suppose it would be the side that itches whichever one that was. If both sides itched, I’d probably start with the right as I’m right handed.
Too funny!!

#2 comes from Watermelon (11 yr. old)


2. If you were a fashion designer, what's the first item of clothing you'd design for yourself and why.
I think a dress. I love dresses and I love ones that hug my curves as I feel they should be hugged.


#3 is from Drazil herself.
3. Remember last week when I told you to describe yourself in 5 positive words? This week - turn to your family or anyone next to you and ask them to describe you in 5 words and LISTEN to their answers.

My husband Dan’s words were
-Mom
-Plucky (my personal favorite)
-Stylish
-Sexy
-Writer

My friend Farrah’s words were
-loyal
-curious
-vivacious
-generous
-witty


My friend Steve’s words were
-passionate
-sexy
-smart
-responsible
-amazing

My friend Jamie's words were
-fun loving
-funny
-frank
-wordsmith
-melodious

My friend Christine's words were
-whip-smart
-brilliant sense of humor
-resolute
-decisive
-genuine

My 13 year old son's words were
-awesome
-thoughtful
-flexible
-nice
-you work with what you have - meaning if I'm nice, you're nice - if I'm rude - you send me to my room

My 11 year old son's words were
-awesome
-funny
-nice
-from time to time cruel
-witty

My MIL's words were
-outgoin'
-witty (is that enough? no, I'm looking for 5 and that's only 2)
-there's more about you than that (shrug) I just can't...
-cheerful
-spontaneous

Apparently I have these people either well fooled, or well trained. Either way, I’ll totally take it.

(I must say - I truly love that both of my children independently chose "awesome" as their first word for me)


#4 is a repeat question and she’s only doing 4 questions today since #3 is kinda long-ish.
4. Summarize your week in blog land and in real life.
Real life has been okay. I’ve been sick – just a cold, but it is totally getting on my nerves. For a while it was slowly migrating all over the damn place – lungs, head, ears… but it seems now to be mostly gone… except. Hi, my name is Read, and I’m a snot factory. I hope one day to be able to stop production. Dan’s mom arrived yesterday and Dan is heading to CA for a week so I’ve been busy getting in as much fun and socializing as possible before I’m alone with Ricky for a week. Please pray for me.

And… I have my doctor’s appointment with my new band doctor on Tuesday – I’ll give a report after I get back.

Blog life – slowly but surely I’m joining the land of the living with respect to blogs.. and I couldn’t be happier. I love that I’m making some connections again.

a little this... a little that...

Hi guys, how was your weekend?

Mine was okay eating wise. I’ve discovered a new favorite meal – quite by accident – sautéed mushrooms and avocados. I was at a friend’s house and they were sort of making a build your own spinach salad for dinner. So on the table was baby spinach leaves, cooked chicken, sautéed mushrooms, avocado, and feta cheese. But the avocados and mushrooms looked so good I really just stuck with a bit of those two – and OMG – so good!! I had a bit of feta on a few bites and that was good too – but gorgonzola would have been even better. I have a bit of a gorgonzola fetish if you didn’t know that about me.

I drank lots of alcohol though in the past several days. I’ve been doing things that somehow trip the “this is an unusual event” button in my brain which says – I absolutely should have a drink with this… which is of course no problem… except for the fact that it just isn’t an unusual event so it shouldn’t be tripping that button in my brain. Don’t get me wrong, I like to drink. I’m a big fan. But in general, I really don’t drink all that often. Probably less than once a week, though certainly some weeks it’s way more than that. But recently I’ve been drinking something several times each week and while I don’t mind that in general – it’s really just adding calories for no good reason to my life. I’m all for getting a nice buzz here and there, but I just don’t have to have as much as I’ve had recently. Really – right or wrong – I usually do drink for the effect. I love a good buzz. But… I find in the last few months I’ve just been drinking because it seemed like the thing to do – because the “this is an unusual event” button got tripped. So… I’ve decided to get over that.

The same “this is an unusual event” button was getting tripped a lot recently related to eating as well. I found myself eating out a bit more often and instead of just ordering a salad or some other nice and healthy thing, I found myself thinking… oh this is a special occasion, go ahead and splurge a bit. But…. It’s not a special occasion – or something unusual, it’s just my life these days and I need to calibrate that button in my brain differently. I think just realizing that the button was not working correctly will be enough actually. I’ll just have to have a few meals out and make sure it’s working as it should now. My friend C is coming to have lunch with me tomorrow so I’ll get to test it out then.


And… guess what people… My MIL is coming on Wednesday. And as I’m sure I’ve mentioned, the husband is leaving on Sunday for most of the following week. He’s back in the wee hours of Friday early morning (Thursday night) so I get her all to myself for nearly a full week. I’m so excited!!! Yippee!

A little Ricky-ism...

Even from several states away she still entertains me!!!


Dan was on the phone with her today and she had this little gem to share...

"I can not support Ron Paul, cause he would have them coming in our back door"

I for one, don't think she has any idea what she's missing!!!

More amusement from my husband's classy family...

My husband's monther is a bit insane as you all well know.  She requires a lot of work and attention - I think of it as constant entertainment.  Though she can make a fair amount of decisions herself, if left to her own devices she would forget to take her medicine and try to do too much resulting in injury, or just get lost - of course all of these things happen anyway - but we all do what we can do.  My husband has two sisters and luckily for everyone one of them, D, who is a nurse has been willing to let Ricky live with her for a number of years; in a little MIL house thing on her property.  My husband and I couldn't be more thrilled by this because that leaves her up in NY most of the time, but to take the pressure off of D we bring her down here for roughly a month at a time every quarter-ish.  The other sister, B, is the baby of the family and is very typically the baby.  Actually she and Ricky are very much cut from the same cloth as the world revolves exclusively around each of them and only them.  Both totally harmless, but those traits are much more tolerable in a 68 year old woman than a 38 year old one.  So under duress B helps out too, but it's usually when she needs a babysitter (God help her children) or has received enough pressure to take Ricky to a doctor's appointment because D just can't fit this one in her schedule too.  And through it all she complains bitterly about how she is tired and has too much to do and whatever and my husband and D both roll their eyes at her - I suspect D gets into it with her from time to time, but my husband hasn't even once probably since he graduated from college.  He, however, doesn't take any of her drama, which I'm confident B doesn't like.  Anyway... this is the history of my husband's family and yesterday he got this email from B's husband.  It's just so classy I had to share!!!



Dear (Read's husband),

I emailed you because I don't know your phone number off hand and I don't want my wife to know that I'm doing it. 

Over the years, I have kept my mouth shut when you have had "discussions" with B.  It was not easy to do so.  She is your sister and I tried to mostly stay out of it.  However, I'm done with that now.  I have kept my mouth shut many times while you have belittled her, insulted her, patronized her, and talked to her in a generally nasty way.   I know she may be a pain sometimes, but I'm tired of her being upset by you and your sister D. 

I could give a shit if you don't like me or not or whether I get invited to you or D's little silly get-togethers but my wife is very sensitive about these things.   One of the reasons I never go is because of the way you and D treat her.  If you were anyone else, let me be clear about this, if you were anyone else and you talked to my wife the way that you do, I would have kicked your ass a long time ago.  I am so tired of the mounds of guilt that you and D throw B's way constantly about your mother.   I'm sorry that your Mom is not doing well.  Let me tell you something though, my mother is actually in much worse health and in much worse shape--but that's not B's responsibility nor her or my first responsibility.  Our first responsibility is to our children and our family. 

B goes out of her way to try and help and be with her mother because she loves her.  I am so tired of the awful things that you and D say to her about what she doesn't do.   Her mom lives an hour from us.  She gets up to see her on average of about once a week.  That's quite a bit.  That's also time that is taken away from our responsibilities right now--and let me tell you--we have plenty.   In addition, your mother calls my house on average, on average of six (6) times a day.  The phone calls have been going on for years--even before your mom's health got worse.   I tolerate it though.  What I will not tolerate anymore is you being disrespectful to my wife.   I don't care that she's your sister anymore.  If you can't talk to her with respect the way that you would want your wife to be treated, then keep your mouth shut and don't say anything.   Which brings me to your wife.  Now, as I've stated, I don't give a shit if you or D, or your wife like or talk to me or not--it doesn't make one iota of difference to me.  As I mentioned though, my wife is very sensitive to these things.  Now, for some reason or another, your wife isn't talking to my wife and de-friended her on facebook.  What kind of shit is that?   How petty and awful that is.  If you had any balls, you would tell her such and tell her to be respectful of your sister--who is nothing but sweet and kind to her.  

I've said my peace.  If you have anything to say, email me back or call me on my cell phone.  Don't talk to B about this.  It's bad enough I had to take time out of my day for this but I am tired of seeing my wife upset over petty family nonsense and a brother and sister who should be ashamed of themselves.   Pass this on to your sister D too.  

Don't you all wish you had family like this...

Ricky's extended family-isms....

So... Ricky's brother-in-law passed away shortly right before she left our house.  In fact, she ended up staying a bit longer and Dan took her to up state NY for the service.  He was married to Ricky's sister who passed away about 15 years ago.  She's remained close with the kids and had remained fairly close with him until he got remarried and his wife decided she HATED Ricky.  Obviously I get that Ricky can be annoying as hell on so many levels.  But she's almost not worth hating.

His name was Tony and he was a character to say the least.  He came to our wedding and flirted outrageously with my mother.  Every single time he talked to Ricky over the years he asked about my mom.  Ricky delighted in telling me over and over and over and over and over how he was sweet on my mom.  Then she'd go on to extol all the virtues of my mom.  Of course since I'm pretty anti - my mom, not to mention pretty anti - Ricky right now - I'm in no mood... but... this is not the point.

The point is Patty.  Patty is Tony's new wife.  Though I think new is the wrong word - I think they've been married for at least 5 years.  She's a treasure.  I've never met her and I'm kind of sad - I think she could have been some fodder for a whole hell of a lot of blog posts.  And... Tony's three kids... well, I have met all of them and well... they are all fucking bat shit crazy.  Seriously.  Crazy.

But anyway - Dan was really stressed about going to the service because there is always so damn much drama surrounding his family.  Early in our relationship I used to refer to his family as the 'black hole of negativity' (I'm sure I've said that here before at some point).  And being from that environment it's really easy to get sucked into the drama - which in turn sucks the life right out of you.  If I'm with him, it's a hell of a lot harder for him to get sucked in because of course they don't have access to any of my buttons and I just think they're all insane.  So I can just shake my head and say... uh, no thanks, I'll just take my paper cup of wine and go over here and people watch.

So I told him how I was a little disappointed at not being able to go as I knew it would be ripe with fun things to blog about.  I mean, seriously, how could it miss.  Of course, truly my hope was to distract him from his family's drama by giving him an assignment that would keep at least a part of me with him while he was there.  I asked him to write down notable quotes and if possible take some fun pictures for me to later blog about.

Unfortunately there were no fun pictures to be had.  Unlike the plethora of flannel shirts and holey t-shirts that showed up to his father's funeral - this was a different part of the family - really mostly the family of the in-law Tony - and apparently they remembered you should show some respect.  But... as it turned out..

Patty, the grieving widow, provided plenty of noteworthy quotes....

*God damn it, I forgot my tampax, coat, and my lighter

*I hate bras. This one is killing me.

*I met him at a pig roast.  Everything from bikers to farmers, he fit right in.

*I was dancing on stage, no bra, low cut shirt and he was waiting for my tits to come out.

*He popped a champagne cork in bed. (I'm not even sure what this one means)

*Met him and within a week, I was living with him.  Married new years eve.

(pointing at ~6 yr old picture) *This is the same outfit I am wearing today.  You can see how much I dress up.


And finally from one of the daughters, speaking of the grieving widow :

*I am hiding from Patty.  I hate that bitch

Is it so wrong????

So.. Ricky is gone.  Dan (husband) took her back to NY yesterday.  There was a death in her extended family which caused her to stay a couple of extra days, but now Dan has taken her to the service and will then fly from there to NC for the rest of the week for work.  It’s just me and the boys and we’re having a delightful time. 

But… I’m like the world’s worst mom – or at least world’s worst role model. 

We get home on Monday night and Jason (10 year old) starts to dump his backpack onto the couch right where Ricky likes to sit (with hand in pants) and he stops mid dump and looks up at me and asks… Oh is Grandma sitting here?  I reply that Grandma is gone, Daddy took her back up to New York this afternoon.  He asks… Is Daddy gonna bring her back with him?  Nope, I tell him.  And it’s there.  Just for an instant.  A look of unfettered glee passes over his eyes before he immediately schools his face.  But I know my kid and I saw it, though I’m awfully proud of him for doing his best to keep it hidden. 

I say to him (and this is the really bad role model part) Do you know how that makes me feel?  The fact that Grandma is gone.

Jason: (skeptically) no.

Me: (shooting both fists into the air) JOYFUL!  WOO HOOO!!!! YAY!!!

Jason:  (grinning ear to ear) OMG me too!!! But I thought you’d get mad at me if I said that.  Do you know what it make me feel inside??

Me: (also grinning) nope, what?

He proceeds to do a little happy boogie that involves every single bit of his body as he dances with glee around the room. 

I love my kid!

A couple of quick Ricky-isms

Her - do they have chicken parm in a kids' portion?

Me - well even if they don't we can still get it for you and you can eat left overs tomorrow if you want.

Her -  that's true too (her favorite filler thing to say).

Me - would you also like a salad to go with that?

Her - that's what I was saying.  Why don't I just get the chicken parm and a salad and not get any spaghetti.

Me - um... we haven't yet mentioned spaghetti - but you're telling me you don't want it.

Her - right.

Me - ok

Her - just the chicken parm and a salad with blue cheese.

******************************************************

(a big roll of thunder sounds, rattling the windows)

Her: is it going to thunder tonight?

******************************************************

He wasn't the kind of guy who went to the hospital.  He never, ever went.  Well, unless he was going to die, then he'd go.

The Ricky pictures...

See Angela, I wasn't lying...

Life in our asylum – don’t you want to come too?

I have more fun BOOBs things, but I want to add pictures and they are at home.  The teasers are…

- Sandy Lee wearing animal print underwear outside of her pants

- Jenny asking “what the fuck”

- And Gilly and Linda asking “Who’s the biggest slut”

But first – a few normal every day things that happened in our asylum last night while fixing dinner…

Another Tommy-ism (the 13 year old)

Me: Tommy, please see if Bandit needs food and water. (said for the 27^th time)

Him: I’m on it, I’m getting him water.

A few minutes later as I’m bustling around the kitchen getting dinner together I hear water landing on a distant surface and look around to figure out what the hell that is… It’s our brain trust.  Of course it is. 

You know those things that you put summer cocktails in with a little spout at the bottom so people can help themselves when they want a new drink… yeah, well he’s filled this with water for the dog and has positioned it on the high bar in our kitchen somewhere in the vicinity of over the dog’s bowl and was systematically working out the trajectory in order to give the fucking dog some fucking water. 

Me: THOMAS WILLIAM ARE YOU FUCKING CRAZY  (I may have left the cussing out, but I was definitely thinking it.)  What the hell are you doing?

Him: giving the dog water (said with the know-it-all, I’m-doing-nothing-you-haven’t-asked-me-to-do tone of voice)

I gave him The Look.  You know, the one that says you’re a fucking moron and we both know it but because I’m your mom I can’t really say that out loud and if you don’t cease and desist immediately I’m going to beat you senseless.  It’s a hell of a look and he knows it very well.

Him – sorry, I’ll clean it up.  (see, I told you, it’s a hell of a look.)

Ricky

So… I was reading the other day, or maybe it was on the news, no I think I was reading it.  No wait, it was definitely CNN, I think.  But they were talking, or it could have been writing about this girl, a single girl with three children.  She wasn’t married, or, hmmm, maybe she did have a husband or well, I guess she had to have one at some time, but I think she was still married.  Anyway, this single girl was making only $25,000 a year and was able to make ends meet because of coupons.  You know Steve (my BIL) does that.  He’s a smart boy.  He’s married too.

Ricky – Did I tell you how we were all at the table?  It was for a meal, maybe it was dinner.  I think it was at Denise’s (my SIL) house.  So, we were all around the table and someone asked.  It was me and Denise and Steve, and I think Barbie (other SIL) was there too, so I guess her kids were there and maybe Susan (niece).  Anyway, we were all around the table for dinner and someone asked how many miles is 5,380….

Tommy, Dan (husband), and I all said simultaneously – 5,280

Ricky – okay yeah 5,280.  So they said, I don’t remember who, but they said how many miles is 5,380?  (cuz that’s definitely a question.  “Hey, Fluffy, how many miles is 5,380?”)  And I knew.  They were all so surprised that I pulled 5,380.  They just couldn’t get over the fact that I knew how many miles 5,380 was.

The best part of this one, however, was how Tommy was looking at me throughout her telling of her miraculous story – mouthing to me that it’s how many feet are in a mile – not how many miles are in a… something she never disclosed, and that it was 5,280 not 5,380.  I was mouthing right back that it was ok, to let her have her win.  And of course she was completely oblivious to the whole side conversation.

BOOBs 2011 - my take. And a couple of Ricky-isms

So… Let’s talk about BOOBs 2011, shall we?

Okay… first of all, to all of you who went and either lost or didn’t gain – poo on you.  Well, I suppose I could say I lost or didn’t gain as there’s no fucking way I’m going anywhere near a scale for at least a week.  My goal this week is to gradually ease myself back into eating like a normal human.  One who doesn’t want to bathe in pumpkin cheesecake quite so intently.  We’ll see how that goes.

But that out of the way.  Wow.  That pretty much sums up the weekend.  I really thought I was going to have all these wonderful and profound thoughts about it – but I’m not sure how to put all that into words.  I was talking with Dawnya last night and she said it was like being with the family you hand-picked and that’s exactly right.  There was just so much universal love and support in our group.  You know, I hear women are just not supposed to be like that.  They (okay we) are supposed to be mean and back-stabby and that’s just not what I encountered.  And yes, of course there were a couple of Debbie Downers in the group who know all and get pleasure out of finding fault – but even that – while hurtful and just plain annoying – was pretty small potatoes compared to the whole.

Where else in your life can you just show up in a city knowing personally a handful of people at most (for all the other first timers) and be immediately welcomed into the fold?  That kind of stuff just plain doesn’t happen in the real world…. Right?  And of course you’ve heard it all before but everyone is just exactly like you knew they’d be based on their blog.  I believe it was Joey that said (and maybe she said it in NY) that it’s kind of like meeting a bunch of celebrities.  We’ve all seen their pictures, heard lots of stories about them, know intimate details about their lives (oh, wait, is that just me?) and then… OMG look!!! Right there!! Coming in the door!!!  It’s Fluffy.  Okay it didn’t work like that for her as she’s totally anonymous but you get what I mean.  I was star struck the whole dang weekend. 

Okay that’s not true.  Because it seems people are just as excited to see you as you are to see them.  It works in both directions in all cases – how frikkin’ cool is that?? 

So… some of my favorite memories in no sane order…

• Being accepted into the group of women I spent the most time with as if I’d always been there.  I swear I feel as though I’ve known all of them for my whole lives and this was just a super fun reunion weekend. 
• Having Linda as a roommate who never ceases to make me spit out my coffee laugh at least once a day.  Some of the things that come out of that sweet and loving mouth are just To. Die. For.
• The hand gestures used to describe the ‘inverted cobra’ – which this innocent mind never did grasp.
• Being with Drazil as she experienced her first sex shop and struggled to understand what the fuss was all about.
• OMG – that pumpkin cheesecake – I’m still working on how I could manage to eat just that for the rest of my life.
• The pictures of me that I discovered on my phone that I have no recollection of – that’s always a fun surprise
• Tina tipsy
• The orgasm Gilly had while eating cheesecake at Cheesecake Factory – you can bet your sweet ass I’ll be ordering what she had when I next go there.  I have it on film and will show you all later – I had to receive special permission, but phew, all the paperwork was officially signed.
• Hanging out with Jessica, Fluffy, and Angela at the karaoke bar that first night.  I want more time with them!
• The meal we shared at Pizzeria Due – OMG that was fun.  And Kristin was there with us the whole time.  As was Tonya and Kung Fu Panda Bear – they were just all so great!!
• Bonding with Gilly
• Making Tessie Rose crazy – hopefully she got how all in fun it was – but man did I have fun trying to get her husband to send me inappropriate pictures.  I can’t tell you how much I love the two of them – but even more how much I love the two of them together.  His comments and hers were always so perfectly in sync and so damn funny!  It was too hard to pass up!
• Getting to finally meet Deb, Stephanie, Jenny, and Drazil in person who are all just as wonderful and amazing as I knew they’d be.
• My Color Purple hair done by Dawnya
• The tears at the end.  It took every damn thing I had not to cry – but I knew if I started I’d have cried all the damn way home and I’ve cried too damn much this year alfuckingready.
• Stephanie’s skirt tucked into her jeans.
• The smell of the pie company
• The smell of the popcorn place
• How holy fucking funny Dawnya is
• The whole pajama party
• Barb’s boobs
• 4,233 lbs

Some of my favorite quotes;

• “Ken is huge, he fills a room”  (obviously I’m hoping to meet up with Ken one of these days.)

• “Frequent Farter”… do you get points for that and what do you get when you redeem them??
• “Peeing on your feet prevents or cures athlete’s foot” – I’m still debating whether or not I should tell my 13 year old jock this…
• By Gilly about Dawyna: “I didn’t think I could be shocked, but that girl just keeps shocking me”

There’s no doubt way more that I’m not remembering right at this moment so I’ll add things as I think of them and I’ll work on pictures when I’m home, hopefully this weekend.

One last thing….

I want to say a special heart felt thank you to all the planners for all the hard work, blood, sweat, tears, heart, and soul they put into making such an awe inspiring and special weekend possible for the rest of us.  They do this all without pay and without any special compensation of any kind.  I for one think the rest of us should be paying for their dinners, at the very least, or something along those lines in the future.  And on a personal note – they welcomed me into their fold with open arms and I couldn’t be more humbled and grateful for that.

And now – a couple Ricky-isms

I believe since she’s been at our house I have spent approximately 3 minutes (and I think that’s high) in her presence so there’s not been a lot of opportunity yet..

But still…  So, while we were in Chicago she watched her first football game.  She lay on the couch in her favored position – legs hanging over the arm of the couch, hand in her pants (picture will follow when available) – and looked in the direction of the TV.  Dan (my husband) reports that at the end of the game she looked over to him and said;

Daa-aaan (it’s not a southern thing as she’s from NY, I just think she likes names with two syllables) Are they all black??

I got home from Chicago at about quarter till 9 on Sunday night and after a while I headed upstairs to put Jason (my 10 year old) to bed.  As I get to the top of the stairs for the first time in four days Ricky says to me.

Cam-la (see… the two syllable thing again) – where did Daa-aan put my black bra?  I’m not sure if he dried it or not.  I got all the other laundry he did, it was all folded nice and neat, he’s such a good son.  But can you get me my bra.  I’m not sure where it is.

Um, yes.  Of course I know where it is as I have magical powers and they definitely extend to “sight” as we call it in my coven.  Where I can see things that are happening in my own home when I’m in a whole other part of the country, drinking my ass off – in fact I think the alcohol enhances my special abilities.  And why in God’s name do you need a bra now at 9pm when you’ve already been asleep for a couple of hours??

I told her I’d get back to her.

Ricky is coming back to town...

My mother-in-law is coming for three or four weeks - she lands on Wednesday afternoon.  I can't tell you how upset I am that I'll be in Chicago for her first weekend in town.  Seriously it breaks my heart.

But... as a little preview this is the phone conversation we keep repeating.  As a matter of course she calls us, Brad really but sometimes I'm lucky enough to intercept the calls and sometimes I'm in a nice enough mood to take the call for him and give him a break, several times each day - but the current crisis goes like this.

Her: Cam-la (there are only two syllables when she says it) do you think Dan will mind…  You know, Jamie turns 21 while I’m down there.  And well, do you think Dan will mind if instead of giving him $15 for his birthday, could I give him $21?  Or do you think he won’t like that?

Me: We can discuss it when you get here.  (cuz oh my god woman, we're talking about $6 - I'll happily give that to you if you promise never to mention this again)

Her: Oh, good idea.  Okay, well, I’ll let you go.  It was really nice talking to you.

Me: ok, talk to you later, bye now.

We’ve had this same exact conversation four times so far.

Shall we take an informal poll?? Will Dan get mad about the $6?   Circle one  YES   NO

A few final Ricky-isms....

One of the best things about Ricky is that she constantly repeats things.  She’ll tell you the same thing over and over and over and over and over again.  It’s possible that she might forget she told you, but it’s more that she just wants to be able to have something to say to you – so she’ll start these things with… “I prolly already mentioned this but….”

While she’s down here, every Friday Brad takes her to get her hair set, so one Saturday (6 days before the next hair appointment) she says to me.

I prolly already mentioned this but I don't know if he'll have time of course, but if he does.  I'm gonna see if Brad'll take me to Target so I can get that thing while we're out on Friday. (no one knows what thing).  He might not have time, but if he does, I think I just want to pick up that thing. And I want to pick up a little something for that baby that was just born at church.  Not something big.  Just a little something.  Maybe a couple of bibs.  Not something big mind you.  (I've heard this notion that she wants to get that "thing" and something small for the new baby maybe 300 times by this point.)

~~~~~~~~~~~~ 

A few weeks ago we were at one of Teddy’s soccer games on a hot day and my shorts-phobic son is the only one on the field with long pants.  Not to mention he’s got big bushy hair and his last name which is eleven letters long is on the back of his jersey – he’s extremely easy to spot on the field.  Oh and he plays defense so you know where to find him on the field.

Ricky:  Where’s Teddy?

Us: (pointing) he’s right there near the goal, that’s where he’ll be the entire half.  Look, he’s the only one with long pants, so he’s easy to spot.

Ricky: burp  Oh, skooz me.

Ricky: burp  Oh, skooz me.  Where’s Teddy again (looking at the opposite side of the field from where he is.)

Then the other team took a shot on our goal and Ted blocked the shot.

Ricky: Did Teddy just make that goal?

Us: No, he plays defense.  He blocked the goal.

Ricky: burp… Oh, skooz me.

~~~~~~~~~~~~ 

I prolly already mentioned this andI don't know if he'll have time of course, but if he does.  I'm gonna see if Brad'll take me to Target so I can get that thing while we're out on Friday.  He might not have time, but if he does, I think I just want to pick up that thing.  And I want to pick up a little something for that baby that was just born at church.  Not something big.  Just a little something.  Maybe a couple of bibs.  Not something big mind you.

~~~~~~~~~~~~ 

Ricky:  Did you say Jen’s girls are in kindergarten?

Me: I said her youngest will go into kindergarten next year and the twins are in third grade this year.

Ricky:  Oh so her youngest was one.

Me:  Um.. At one point, yes her youngest was one.  But now she’s five.

Ricky: burp, fart.  Oh skooz me.

~~~~~~~~~~~~ 

I prolly already mentioned this and I don't know if he'll have time of course, but if he does.  I'm gonna see if Brad'll take me to Target so I can get that thing while we're out on Friday.  He might not have time, but if he does, I think I just want to pick up that thing.  And I want to pick up a little something for that baby that was just born at church.  Not something big.  Just a little something.  Maybe a couple of bibs.  Not something big mind you.

~~~~~~~~~~~~ 

She wanted to talk about troubled congressman (now ex-congressman) Weiner.  (of course she wanted to talk about Weiner).  She wanted to know why if Bill Clinton didn’t step down, why does he have to?  (These are the things she spends her days pondering)

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A random non-sequitur

Ricky:  …. Well if you have a good job like that…. you know like Senator or even President. 

Me:  Um yes, both Senator and President are good jobs.

On the republican debate

Nick Romney did pretty good.  Tim Polenty did okay.  That woman, Back-man (that rhymes with pac-man) and all of them want to get out of Iraq and now they are having problems with Israel.  Oh not Israel, I mean Syria.

~~~~~~~~~~~~

I prolly already mentioned this and I don't know if he'll have time of course, but if he does.  I'm gonna see if Brad'll take me to Target so I can get that thing while we're out on Friday.  He might not have time, but if he does, I think I just want to pick up that thing.  And I want to pick up a little something for that baby that was just born at church.  Not something big.  Just a little something.  Maybe a couple of bibs.  Not something big mind you.

~~~~~~~~~~~~

On dating…

I’m gonna let Tom (her Son-in-law) put my name on the computer.  Not for.. “you know” (whispered).  You know what I mean right?  But just for a friend.

On my guacamole...

That gwarcome.. or.. mole-ie  or gwarolie… whatever.. it could be havit (spelling intentional) forming.

~~~~~~~~~~~~

She takes a bunch of medications and she has one that she has to peel the foil off the back and then put the pill in this inhaler thingy but every single night she tries to rip open the package which is damn near impossible and by the time she’s bent it all to hell it’s then one millions times as hard to just peel the stuff off the back.  And if you’re the forgetful kind once you (or I) get the damn pill out of the little package you just pop it in your mouth until I shout “You don’t put that in your mouth you put it in the thingy”  and she spits it out and says “oh, that’s right… burb. fart.  Oh skooz me.”

Yay for my boys!!

First things first…. It’s taken me some time to get over the recent ‘incident’ with Ricky – and I swear I’m still not over it.  I had to drive her home from Jackson’s game on Monday night and I swear I was worried about the cooties my car was surely getting the whole drive home.

This is just a written congratulations to my two boys who both went undefeated in their respective baseball playoffs to win the championship!  Yay for them!  And especially for Teddy who truly loves baseball and has played with various versions of the same group of kids for 4 years now as they made their way up through the ranks to the ‘majors’ within this group and this was his last year with them.  He’ll move on to another division next year and a whole different team. 

So – come with me as I relive the end of Teddy’s game, will you?  It’s the top of the last inning and the other team needs 1 run to tie it.  If they don’t score then we win.  So we’re hoping to stop them!  We get to the point where there are two outs and they have a man on third.  The kid up to bat for them does not look like an athlete.  He looks a little awkward up there and we have our best pitcher on the mound so we’re all feeling pretty good.  Strike 1 – yay!  Strike 2 – yay!  Two outs, two strikes.  We only need one more pitch.  Then the batter looks over to his coach who is acting as the third base coach at the moment so he’s right next to where all our team’s parents are sitting in the bleachers.  So we all get a look at this kid.  He’s shaking.  The stress is too much for him.  He starts crying and he’s just looking at his coach begging for him to make all the pressure stop.  I’m crying.  All the mom’s in the stands are crying.  It was awful to see.  His coach was wonderful.  “You’re doing fine Johnny, just like we do in practice; just put the bat on the ball.  You can do it buddy.  You’re doing great.”  And that little scared kid who was shaking and crying put the bat on the ball and hit a single and scored the tying run.  I’m pretty sure our side of the stands was just as excited as their side of the stands.  We got the third out in short order and went into the bottom of the inning tied; only needing one run to score.

Guess who’s up first?  Yup..Teddy.  Ted’s not a bad hitter, he can usually be counted on for a single, but he can definitely let his mind screw him up at the plate so I was a little worried.  But he swung at the first pitch and crushed the ball with probably his best hit of the season high over the 2^nd baseman’s head into the gap in the outfield.  The other team got it in quickly and he settled for a long single.  The next batter is Adam and lately he’s been struggling at the plate.  We all love Adam but we’re a little worried.  But he got a solid single and moved Teddy to 2^nd. Then Teddy and Adam did a perfect double steal and they were both safe and now Teddy’s at third with no outs! Woo hoo!  The double steal was funny because while Adam is definitely very fast, Teddy is not.  Or really more accurately he does not run fast in baseball.  He makes his coaches absolutely nuts.  He’s just a cerebral kid – and he’ll be ready to steal 2^nd and will make a calculation – “I think I only need to run at 60% of my capacity and I will beat out the throw.”  So that’s what he’ll do – basically saunter to the base while all his coaches and the parents have little heart attacks in the stands.  I don’t think he’s ever been thrown out, but still – it makes us all crazy and he’s been yelled at for it for years.  But this time he ran with all his speed and was easily safe.  We were all feeling pretty good because the next batter, Jimmy, is a solid hitter.  Ball 1, ball 2.  Okay, this looks even better.  Strike 1.  Then the catcher couldn’t handle the next pitch and the ball got by him and Teddy used that little seen speed and stole home for the win.

He was so excited to be the hero of the game.  It was the absolutely perfect way for him to end his affiliation with the great group of kids.  And for it to be his speed was just comical for all involved.  (well except the other team). 

Jackson’s game was the next night and it wasn’t nearly as exciting as Teddy’s game that had gone back and forth all night long.  Jack’s team dominated from the beginning and won easily.  Woo Hoo.  They both got these huge trophies and are very, very excited. 

The only bad part about the whole deal is that in our little league all the teams  have real major league team names and this is Orioles country.  Unfortunately Teddy got drafted into the Yankee’s organization when he was 8 years old which meant Jackson got put there automatically when he decided to give baseball a try this year.  So for years we’ve had to root for the blasted Yankees and unfortunately I think Jack liked playing enough to want to continue so we’ve got a few more years ahead of us.  Really, I refuse to say “Go Yankees!”  I instead say “Go blue!"  I did finally buy a navy blue shirt to wear to games, but alas, I never got around to wearing it.  Oh well, maybe next year.

 This is Teddy's team and he's in the middle without a hat on.

This is Jack's team and he is front and center with gray pants and his trophy tilted to his right (our left) his friend Joe is next to him with his trophy tilted to his left so they form a V together.

Holy Sh#t..... seriously!

So.... I've officially been traumatized.  And fair warning - don't read this if you've got a weak stomach.

I took my MIL out today because I'm the best damn daughter-in-law ever.  The plan was to go see the movie Bridesmaids, which was very funny, and then go to a late lunch and then to JC Penney's so we could get her some elastic waist capris. 

Oh wait!!!  I have to tell you first what that bitch said to me.  I came home from work the other day wearing this shirt that is sort of gathered right under my substantial ta tas.  It's a perfectly tasteful work shirt, but it definitely emphasizes my rack and is very flattering on me.  Ricky said - "Oh Read (and really - I have to sort of use my first name here - it's not Pamela, but it rhymes with that - but somehow she manages to say my name with only two syllables which has annoyed me since the beginning - so really she said - Oh Pam-la) that's a very nice shirt, I really like it.  If it were a little smaller, I might take it home with me."  Okay - that's just rude no matter who you are and to whom you're speaking, but Hello ding bat!! you're bigger than me.

While at the movies she got up to go to the bathroom (which is completely normal for her) but as she stood up she farted so loudly.  OMG  Who is that woman?  I don't know her, do you know her??  I leaned over to the woman on my other side... can you imagine?  I wonder where these crazy people come from?

Then we go to Champs so I can watch the US Open and only have to half listen to her (oops, did I just say that out loud?)  She gets fajitas and I get a bbq salmon salad.  She has to get up and go to the bathroom several times.  At one point she says "you're still eating so I'm not gonna tell you the other reason I'm gonna take the rest of this home."  "Okay, good" I say, "I appreciate that."  "Scooz me" she says "I'm just gonna go to the bathroom again."  When she got back she said "I'm not gonna have any more, not cuz I prolly couldn't go for one more, but... for other reasons."  I nodded knowingly and prayed we were done with that topic of conversation.  After we eat I suggest we just go home instead of going to Penney's.... you know... for other reasons.  But being the shop-o-holic she is she definitely wanted to go to the store.

So anyway... we pick out some pants for her and she went to try them on and the 16s were too small (take that crazy woman! - oh, is that wrong?) and it was the size 1X that fit her.  (I did ofter to give her some of the shirts that are now too small for me - is that wrong too??).  She asked me to go get her a bigger size of the jeans we'd gotten for her and when I got back she said.... all subdued and whatnot... I'm having a problem, can you find out where the bathroom is.  Ut oh.  Um, sure.  I find out and she says she needs to just sit there for a few minutes and see if it stops before she attempts to stand up.  But Pam-la, you can come in here with me if you want... uh.. no, I'm good out here.

Eventually she's ready to go up to the bathroom and tells me she thinks she should probably put on one of these pairs of pants were going to get.  "Okay, no problem".  I am walking in front of her, leading her slowly to the bathroom.  Once it's FINALLY in sight I point it out to her and taking the tags I give her the pants and tell her I'll meet her back there after I've made the purchases.  And then... Then... Then... she passed me.  And I got a whiff of her.  I threw up a little in my mouth.  I swear to God.  I take a few deep breaths - immediately push it to the back of my brain so I don't have to think about it anymore - and set about to pick up a few more things.  A few kitchen towels because that's the department I'm in and she's not freaking sitting unprotected on my car's seat.  Then I find some of those reusable bags people shop with for sale and I grab a couple of them - in case she wants to keep her old clothes.  I check out and make my way back to her.

As I'm walking down the hall to the woman's room a little girl is coming towards me and says "it smells really, really badly in there, you might not want to go in there."  Oh shit!  But of course I've got to go in there.  It's a good sized bathroom with maybe six stalls and as soon as I walk in I'm blown back by a tsunami of odor the likes of which I pray none of you ever have to face.  I immediately start breathing through my mouth and find her in the final stall and throw the bag under the stall as I start to gag.  I let her know I'm going to go get the car and will be back to get her in a few minutes.  I have to lean over both a sink and the trash can while gagging on my way out - I kid you not. 

I get out of there and blindly stumble towards the 'family rest room' which unfortunately is locked.  I've got tears streaming down my face and the little girl is there and says "I told you so" OH shut the fuck up little girl.  Like I had a choice in the matter.

She threw the clothes away - Thank God, the management had been called while I was getting the car and there was a haz mat crew in the bathroom fumigating it.  I had her sit on the thankfully empty bag and was never so thankful I drove a convertible in my life.

My whole body was shaking.  I stopped and got an ice cream to drown my sorrows while I was getting the car - I swear I'm going to gain 20 lbs while she's here.  But... it's over right.  Of course it's not, God Damn It!!

We get home and I make sure she's going to go up and take a bath right away which she is.  Afterwards she comes downstairs and wants me to fasten her bra (I swear she keeps forgetting to hook her bra in front then twist it around her body before bringing the straps up).  Okay - while I don't want anything to do with her while I'm recovering from my trauma (and yes, I swear I know this was more traumatic for her, but I just don't care at the moment - call me a heartless bitch - I can totally take it) I will of course help her get her bra on if that means she'll go away again for a while.  Do you know what she did?  She had put her new pants back on her body - seriously.  And then!!! she backed her body up to where I was sitting on the chair to give me access to her bra.  But OMG.  That put her ass at nose level with my face.  I fainted dead away right there and then.  When I came too, I got up and took care of the bra and she let me know that while she used a little shampoo and a wash cloth to clean the tub, she wondered if I had something stronger she could clean the tub with.  I threw up again.

I've made her change her pants and put them and the wash cloth directly into the washing machine and now it's over and all I want to do is curl in a little ball and eat chocolate.  I have a bunch of amusing little Ricky-isms to report, but my heart just isn't into it right now.  Wish me a speedy recovery.

Some Ricky-isms.....

Our morning political conversation started with her trying like hell not to fuck up the president's name.

Ricky: I know you hate it when I don't get this right.... uh... Labamba

Me: OMG woman!  He's the president of the United States.  Hate him if you'd like, but you have to know how to say his frickin name.  (I made her repeat it back to me several times)

Ricky: I'm sure he's a nice person but he just doesn't share my values.

Me: (just because I know she gets that sentence and every other broad thought in her head either from her evangelical church (I apologize to those I'm offending) or from Fox News, not from her own opinions) What values of his do you not share?

Ricky: abortion (whispered).  He's for it.  (cuz yes, he does run around looking for pregnant women who's babies he could abort). 

Me: I thought you thought abortion was okay in situations of rape and incest.

Ricky: (indignant) Well of course it is!  No one should have to carry to term in that situation, of course I'd rather they give it up, but if they just can't then that has to be their choice.  My church thinks it's awful that I think that, but I do, and I tell them I do.

Me: So, on this issue your values and his aren't that far apart.

Ricky: right, they're not. (with an obviously, duh! tone)

Me: So, what other values don't you agree on?

Ricky: when he's in other countries he knocks the country.  (this would be a Regular Fox News talking point)

Me: You're saying the President of the United States goes to other countries and says bad things about the United States?  (she nodded yes)  Okay, what has he said?

Ricky: Uh... Well... He knocks our country especially when he's in Muslim countries.  You know his middle name is Hussein.

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No way am I voting for Newt Grinrich.  (Grin-rich?  really?  Grin rich... is he smiling a lot??)  It's not up to me to judge him for how he treated his first wife.... BUT... he left her in not a nice way - he says he apologized but still... but it's not up to me to judge.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Fred and Lois have a son who thinks he's homosexual (whispered) - maybe they want to be the way they are? I think some of them are born that way.  But Fred says - they can be changed and Lois says he changed that way (whispered) because his marriage failed. 

Um... don't you think maybe his marriage failed because he was gay?  (not whispered)

She was actually doing okay at differentiating herself from blind insanity but she lost me when she told me how she was trying to convince Fred that people could be born that way (whispered).  "Look at the kids who are born sick.  God made them that way too... but you know what? - everyone has free will."

uh.... (shaking head vigorously, trying to clear it so whatever she said makes sense).  So you're saying that the children born sick choose to stay sick???

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Ricky: But... I don't like that talk show girl.. Ellen because she dresses too manly and she pushes her... you know... situation (whispered).

Me: I think she talks about her wife about as often as your son talks about his.

Ricky: oh, you're right too.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Ricky: I gave S (my 16 year old niece) the sex talk (whispered).

Me: (after I spit my drink all over the table) what on earth did you tell her?

Ricky: if you're thinking of having sex - first think long and hard (hehe) about whether this is someone you can see yourself marrying

Me: so you think you should only have sex with someone you are going to marry?

Ricky: (indignantly) No!  Of course not.

Me: so why do you need to think if it's someone you can see yourself marrying?

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As we were driving back from our shopping excursion today... (and oh how fun that was!!!)

Ricky: I really like to have, though I know it's not always good, you know - the salt and all.  But I really do like, every once in a while. Just a little mind you.  Not a lot. And not often.  You know Dawn is always telling me I need to watch my salt.  So, I'm definitely not talking about a lot. But I think it's okay to do things in moderation, don't you?  (Not actually letting me or wanting me to respond) 'Cause if you have things in moderation it's okay, don't you think?  But you know, every once in a while it's nice to have it, don't you agree?  

Can you guess what she was talking about???  Yeah, me either.

Me: Agree with what (barely controlling my exasperation) I have no idea what you're talking about - you haven't told me yet - though I know you like it and shouldn't have it much.  What the hell is IT?

Ricky: chicken, you know... fried chicken...  from Kentucky

Me: do you mean KFC?

Ricky and my mom

First things first... Justawallflower (I can't think if you use your real name in blogworld or not) - you have gone 'round the bend if you think bringing Ricki to Chicago is anything like a good idea.  OMG!  (okay, I just had to get that off my chest)

So I swear to God - these two women were vying for the lead in One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest tonight.

Jackson had his fourth grade band concert tonight.  Let's back up, shall we.  This damn concert (he plays drums just like his older brother) had my anxiety ridden child running to the bathroom for the last several weeks at the mere thought of practicing.  I think he figured if he didn't know the parts he wouldn't have to perform.  Finally I told him I couldn't care less if he performed he was still going to have to play the damn bell piece for me - perfectly.

Brad took Jack, Jake (Jack's best friend who's in middle school but really wanted to see Jack's concert - isn't that cute), and Ted early because Jack couldn't stand the waiting anymore, so I got to take Ricky a bit later.

On the way over I heard about the fight she had with her daughter with whom she lives.  It included Ricki telling Dawn to "ef off" (that was whispered) as Ricky said it.  "I prolly shunt have said that, but I think she said it to me first." You think she said that to you? 

But seriously, my mom totally won the award tonight.  My birthday was about a week and a half ago and this is the first time I've seen her since then.  She brought me a present.  Well.. it was a gift bag full of several presents.... She clearly spent time and effort picking each piece out especially for me.  First I reached in and got the card and she said "I don't sign cards, that way you can reuse them."  um... okaaaay, and sure enough - it's a card.  A blank card.  It played music.  Okay, well on to the gifts.  There was a hair brush - a teal blue hair brush.  Have any of you seen my hair?  It's really curly - I don't brush my hair - unless it's Halloween and I'm going for the zombie look, but this will be a nice distraction for Ricky who always wants to use my hair things..  I'm gonna put this brush out and she'll think it's mine - bwahahahah.

Then there were the two pairs of socks.  Hey, I'm thrilled about these.  She got me these amazing socks for Christmas and I LOVED LOVED LOVED them and asked her to pick me up some more of them. 

Me: Oh yay! Some of those socks!!!

Her: uh, nope.  They were all out.

mmmmkay - so... what? you thought two pairs of knee high socks (still with the 2 for $5 tab on them) said - just because it's 98 degrees outside you want me wrapped up in warmth supplied by you??

Moving right along.  A tube of black liquid eyeliner.  Seriously.  I've got nothing against black eyeliner, I'm sure it's a wonderful staple to many people's makeup bags.  But with my green eyes, I've never once worn black anything.  I don't even wear black mascara.   Give me some purples, greens, browns - I'm good - black not so much.  Maybe it goes with the brush and I should definitely be a zombie for Halloween this year.

Then there was the insta-dry fuck me red nail polish.   I was totally planning on doing my nails today - and I think fuck me red definitely says hot summer day - totally going for it.

A book called Deception - upon hearing me say "Deception"...

Ricky: is that the new perfume by Elizabeth Taylor.  She's dead you know.  And even so, her perfumes - did you know she had a lot of them - they're really selling a lot of them.  She was married... To more than one person, did you know that?

This led to a spirited conversation between my mom and Ricky about who could name more of Elizabeth Taylor's husbands.  Everyone was impressed when Brad added "that Fortensky guy."

And a pair of earrings that we decided must be a basket of flowers and the flowers are little blue beads.  For years her husband, my step dad, used to give me gold hoops for gift giving occasions because that was an easy go to and he knew that my ears itch if the earrings aren't actually gold or silver.  I think mom missed that memo.  They're cute though.

After they left and I was laughing at the bag -
Brad: You know what this is, don't you? 
Me: What?
Brad: A trip to CVS
Me: (mimicking my mom) I don't sign cards, so you can re-use them
Brad: A trip today, on their way up here, to CVS.

Oh and at the bottom of the bag was a small plastic grocery bag with another identical card in it - also not signed.  I just looked at her and she looked confused.  "Perhaps you got this one for Christine?" (my sister).  Mom: yup, that's it.  I'm so glad I came in with you, otherwise I'd have been totally stumped when her birthday rolls around.