More BOOBs fun...

As promised....

Sandy Lee came to the pajama party more than a little drunk already, she needed some help with the order her clothes should be put on...

What do you think??  The ad department is trying to decide the right look for the campaign for their new game "What the Fuck" Please tell us what you think...

And finally - the age old question still remains unanswered... Who's the biggest slut???

Life in our asylum – don’t you want to come too?

I have more fun BOOBs things, but I want to add pictures and they are at home.  The teasers are…

- Sandy Lee wearing animal print underwear outside of her pants

- Jenny asking “what the fuck”

- And Gilly and Linda asking “Who’s the biggest slut”

But first – a few normal every day things that happened in our asylum last night while fixing dinner…

Another Tommy-ism (the 13 year old)

Me: Tommy, please see if Bandit needs food and water. (said for the 27^th time)

Him: I’m on it, I’m getting him water.

A few minutes later as I’m bustling around the kitchen getting dinner together I hear water landing on a distant surface and look around to figure out what the hell that is… It’s our brain trust.  Of course it is. 

You know those things that you put summer cocktails in with a little spout at the bottom so people can help themselves when they want a new drink… yeah, well he’s filled this with water for the dog and has positioned it on the high bar in our kitchen somewhere in the vicinity of over the dog’s bowl and was systematically working out the trajectory in order to give the fucking dog some fucking water. 

Me: THOMAS WILLIAM ARE YOU FUCKING CRAZY  (I may have left the cussing out, but I was definitely thinking it.)  What the hell are you doing?

Him: giving the dog water (said with the know-it-all, I’m-doing-nothing-you-haven’t-asked-me-to-do tone of voice)

I gave him The Look.  You know, the one that says you’re a fucking moron and we both know it but because I’m your mom I can’t really say that out loud and if you don’t cease and desist immediately I’m going to beat you senseless.  It’s a hell of a look and he knows it very well.

Him – sorry, I’ll clean it up.  (see, I told you, it’s a hell of a look.)

Ricky

So… I was reading the other day, or maybe it was on the news, no I think I was reading it.  No wait, it was definitely CNN, I think.  But they were talking, or it could have been writing about this girl, a single girl with three children.  She wasn’t married, or, hmmm, maybe she did have a husband or well, I guess she had to have one at some time, but I think she was still married.  Anyway, this single girl was making only $25,000 a year and was able to make ends meet because of coupons.  You know Steve (my BIL) does that.  He’s a smart boy.  He’s married too.

Ricky – Did I tell you how we were all at the table?  It was for a meal, maybe it was dinner.  I think it was at Denise’s (my SIL) house.  So, we were all around the table and someone asked.  It was me and Denise and Steve, and I think Barbie (other SIL) was there too, so I guess her kids were there and maybe Susan (niece).  Anyway, we were all around the table for dinner and someone asked how many miles is 5,380….

Tommy, Dan (husband), and I all said simultaneously – 5,280

Ricky – okay yeah 5,280.  So they said, I don’t remember who, but they said how many miles is 5,380?  (cuz that’s definitely a question.  “Hey, Fluffy, how many miles is 5,380?”)  And I knew.  They were all so surprised that I pulled 5,380.  They just couldn’t get over the fact that I knew how many miles 5,380 was.

The best part of this one, however, was how Tommy was looking at me throughout her telling of her miraculous story – mouthing to me that it’s how many feet are in a mile – not how many miles are in a… something she never disclosed, and that it was 5,280 not 5,380.  I was mouthing right back that it was ok, to let her have her win.  And of course she was completely oblivious to the whole side conversation.

BOOBs 2011 - my take. And a couple of Ricky-isms

So… Let’s talk about BOOBs 2011, shall we?

Okay… first of all, to all of you who went and either lost or didn’t gain – poo on you.  Well, I suppose I could say I lost or didn’t gain as there’s no fucking way I’m going anywhere near a scale for at least a week.  My goal this week is to gradually ease myself back into eating like a normal human.  One who doesn’t want to bathe in pumpkin cheesecake quite so intently.  We’ll see how that goes.

But that out of the way.  Wow.  That pretty much sums up the weekend.  I really thought I was going to have all these wonderful and profound thoughts about it – but I’m not sure how to put all that into words.  I was talking with Dawnya last night and she said it was like being with the family you hand-picked and that’s exactly right.  There was just so much universal love and support in our group.  You know, I hear women are just not supposed to be like that.  They (okay we) are supposed to be mean and back-stabby and that’s just not what I encountered.  And yes, of course there were a couple of Debbie Downers in the group who know all and get pleasure out of finding fault – but even that – while hurtful and just plain annoying – was pretty small potatoes compared to the whole.

Where else in your life can you just show up in a city knowing personally a handful of people at most (for all the other first timers) and be immediately welcomed into the fold?  That kind of stuff just plain doesn’t happen in the real world…. Right?  And of course you’ve heard it all before but everyone is just exactly like you knew they’d be based on their blog.  I believe it was Joey that said (and maybe she said it in NY) that it’s kind of like meeting a bunch of celebrities.  We’ve all seen their pictures, heard lots of stories about them, know intimate details about their lives (oh, wait, is that just me?) and then… OMG look!!! Right there!! Coming in the door!!!  It’s Fluffy.  Okay it didn’t work like that for her as she’s totally anonymous but you get what I mean.  I was star struck the whole dang weekend. 

Okay that’s not true.  Because it seems people are just as excited to see you as you are to see them.  It works in both directions in all cases – how frikkin’ cool is that?? 

So… some of my favorite memories in no sane order…

• Being accepted into the group of women I spent the most time with as if I’d always been there.  I swear I feel as though I’ve known all of them for my whole lives and this was just a super fun reunion weekend. 
• Having Linda as a roommate who never ceases to make me spit out my coffee laugh at least once a day.  Some of the things that come out of that sweet and loving mouth are just To. Die. For.
• The hand gestures used to describe the ‘inverted cobra’ – which this innocent mind never did grasp.
• Being with Drazil as she experienced her first sex shop and struggled to understand what the fuss was all about.
• OMG – that pumpkin cheesecake – I’m still working on how I could manage to eat just that for the rest of my life.
• The pictures of me that I discovered on my phone that I have no recollection of – that’s always a fun surprise
• Tina tipsy
• The orgasm Gilly had while eating cheesecake at Cheesecake Factory – you can bet your sweet ass I’ll be ordering what she had when I next go there.  I have it on film and will show you all later – I had to receive special permission, but phew, all the paperwork was officially signed.
• Hanging out with Jessica, Fluffy, and Angela at the karaoke bar that first night.  I want more time with them!
• The meal we shared at Pizzeria Due – OMG that was fun.  And Kristin was there with us the whole time.  As was Tonya and Kung Fu Panda Bear – they were just all so great!!
• Bonding with Gilly
• Making Tessie Rose crazy – hopefully she got how all in fun it was – but man did I have fun trying to get her husband to send me inappropriate pictures.  I can’t tell you how much I love the two of them – but even more how much I love the two of them together.  His comments and hers were always so perfectly in sync and so damn funny!  It was too hard to pass up!
• Getting to finally meet Deb, Stephanie, Jenny, and Drazil in person who are all just as wonderful and amazing as I knew they’d be.
• My Color Purple hair done by Dawnya
• The tears at the end.  It took every damn thing I had not to cry – but I knew if I started I’d have cried all the damn way home and I’ve cried too damn much this year alfuckingready.
• Stephanie’s skirt tucked into her jeans.
• The smell of the pie company
• The smell of the popcorn place
• How holy fucking funny Dawnya is
• The whole pajama party
• Barb’s boobs
• 4,233 lbs

Some of my favorite quotes;

• “Ken is huge, he fills a room”  (obviously I’m hoping to meet up with Ken one of these days.)

• “Frequent Farter”… do you get points for that and what do you get when you redeem them??
• “Peeing on your feet prevents or cures athlete’s foot” – I’m still debating whether or not I should tell my 13 year old jock this…
• By Gilly about Dawyna: “I didn’t think I could be shocked, but that girl just keeps shocking me”

There’s no doubt way more that I’m not remembering right at this moment so I’ll add things as I think of them and I’ll work on pictures when I’m home, hopefully this weekend.

One last thing….

I want to say a special heart felt thank you to all the planners for all the hard work, blood, sweat, tears, heart, and soul they put into making such an awe inspiring and special weekend possible for the rest of us.  They do this all without pay and without any special compensation of any kind.  I for one think the rest of us should be paying for their dinners, at the very least, or something along those lines in the future.  And on a personal note – they welcomed me into their fold with open arms and I couldn’t be more humbled and grateful for that.

And now – a couple Ricky-isms

I believe since she’s been at our house I have spent approximately 3 minutes (and I think that’s high) in her presence so there’s not been a lot of opportunity yet..

But still…  So, while we were in Chicago she watched her first football game.  She lay on the couch in her favored position – legs hanging over the arm of the couch, hand in her pants (picture will follow when available) – and looked in the direction of the TV.  Dan (my husband) reports that at the end of the game she looked over to him and said;

Daa-aaan (it’s not a southern thing as she’s from NY, I just think she likes names with two syllables) Are they all black??

I got home from Chicago at about quarter till 9 on Sunday night and after a while I headed upstairs to put Jason (my 10 year old) to bed.  As I get to the top of the stairs for the first time in four days Ricky says to me.

Cam-la (see… the two syllable thing again) – where did Daa-aan put my black bra?  I’m not sure if he dried it or not.  I got all the other laundry he did, it was all folded nice and neat, he’s such a good son.  But can you get me my bra.  I’m not sure where it is.

Um, yes.  Of course I know where it is as I have magical powers and they definitely extend to “sight” as we call it in my coven.  Where I can see things that are happening in my own home when I’m in a whole other part of the country, drinking my ass off – in fact I think the alcohol enhances my special abilities.  And why in God’s name do you need a bra now at 9pm when you’ve already been asleep for a couple of hours??

I told her I’d get back to her.

Days 3 and 4

Day 3 – the day of food

·         First Linda goes out to breakfast with a couple of people while I was a super lazy slug.  But when she comes back – she brought me this churo – well, she probably bought it for herself to enjoy later but instead she was kind enough to share it… well it was more like… OMG, you have to try this thing, it’s SOOOOOO good.  And boy was she right.  Holy cow, who knew those things could be so dang good!!

·         Then we went do lunch at pizzeria due or something like that – OMG – so so so so good and so so so so much fun.  I was there with such a wonderful group that were gracious enough to let me crash their fabulousness.  We had this Chicago style pesto pizza – I know there was some other stuff on there – not meat – but… seriously.  The. Best. Pizza. Ever.  Seriously!!  Did I mention this stuff was good!!  But wait there’s more.  Cuz in addition to the amazing company and the out of this world pizza we had Tonya as a waitress.  And man oh man did she fit right in with our insanity.  I would like to publically apologize to all the other patrons of the restaurant while we were in there – I’m pretty sure we were universally hated – but I swear it wasn’t our fault – Tonya made it just so damn fun!!!  The following are things of note from this one meal

o        Kung Fu Panda Bear – big, burly, cuddly manager who Tonya got us to call by that name – he promptly threatened to write her up or fire her – he was mostly kidding.  At the end of the night we got a totally fun man who was just walking down the street minding his own business to take our picture with Tonya and Kung Fu Panda Bear

o        Oh… the woman who led us to our table was named Shaquisha and Drazil and the rest of us took that as a good sign that her name was so close to Shaniqua

o        Shaquisha immediately called Stephanie a fashionista as she was looking all kinds of glamorous

o        Stephanie discovered later, however, that she is now thin enough to NOT NOTICE that she had forgotten to take off the skirt (a whole skirt people) she had been wearing earlier.  She had decided to put on jeans for lunch and she just pulled them up and somehow managed to tuck in the skirt she had been wearing right INSIDE her jeans along with her shirt.  Shaquisha would not have been impressed.

o        You know those little things that hang off the side of a table that create a hook that you can then hang your purse off of??  Well Brad got me one for Christmas with an M on it.  My last name starts with a W and I’m sure he thought it was a W and not an M and maybe even one of my kids picked it out, I don’t know, I wasn’t there, but as I wanted one, I was happy to get one – period.  But then, in some crazy gyration of mine I kicked my purse (without even knowing it) and the M thingy went flying.  Next thing I know a waiter is standing behind me saying – who’s Ms. M?  holding my purse holder thing in his hand.  Oh, that’s me, oops, thanks so much.  But then one of my lunch companions says “why is it an M?” and I said “it was a Christmas gift, and I held it upside-down and said it was supposed to be a W”.  Another person said “It’s the thought that counts.”  In her happy always positive voice.  And another responded “It’s not the thought, it’s that he fucks up over and over.”  Hmmmm, tell me how you really feel??

·         Then we headed to the sex shop to show Drazil what all the fuss is about.  I’m not sure we succeeded there – but a great effort was made – and I’m sure it’s just a matter of time.

·         Then… OMG… then we had pie.  We went to this famous Chicago pie company that Gilly had heard about on Foodnetwork - some such thing about a Fat Dead Elvis pie - or something crazy like that - well bummer of bummers they didn't have that particular flavor available when we got inside after waiting in the out the door line - but I ordered pumpkin cheesecake which I always like.  But people!! This pie was the best thing I've ever put in my mouth - and if you've followed me for any amount of time you know that's saying something.  I want to live in this pie.  Bathe in it - forget skittles people - it's their pie.  Phew.  Was it good for you?  Cuz it was really, really good for me.

• Then we got back to the hotel and it was time to start to get ready for the big meat dinner.  I sort of accidentally fell asleep due to a food coma.  (I don't know why the bullets just started looking like this - but... eh)  We got all prettied up and went to an all you can eat brazilian meat place.  So much food!!! So much left on our plates!!! All so good though!!
• Then, since we hadn't eaten enough we came back and had a pajama party in the lounge complete with ice cream.  Again - soooo much fun!!

Day 4 - sad good byes.

• Bought Garrets popcorn and discovered the Chicago mix of cheese and caramel is, in fact, as good and addicting as everyone said it would be.
• Got packed up
• hugged the hell out of lots of people
• had a fantastic lunch with most of my favorites (a few had already left so we raised a glass in their honor)
• And headed home - sniff sniff.

I will do another post about my personal observations and will include pictures - but I'm not ready or organized enough to make that happen as of yet.

I will leave you with my overall impression - Best. Weekend. Ever.  So much fun, such wonderful people, All even better in person than you knew they'd be.  Stupid good food - how is anyone thin in Chicago?

Chicago, Day 2

Bullet style...

• We got up entirely too early for how late and how drunk we had gone to bed - but such is life.
• Eventually the rest of the planning committee descended on our room with the rest of the stuff for the swag bags and in no time at all set up an efficient assembly line to fill the bags
• All the door prizes they managed to con arrange some lovely sponsors into giving us were also carefully wrapped for presentation.
• As I was in major recovery mode and not really fully able to function not involved I sat quietly on the couch and tried to write my Chicago day 1 post.  (I will not mention here that it took me quite a few hours to accomplish all that amazingness yestereday)
• After they had gotten all their work done (and I'm telling you it took a few hours - we should be bowing down to these women whenever we pass them) it was decided that food was a priority and off we trudged to The Cheese**cake F@ctory where after sharing some appetizers a few women got some cheesecake.  As I had had an oreo shake with my lunch I abstained - I'm thinking that was a mistake as  I believe there were a few orgasms experienced right there in the booth during dinner.  I want to go back specifically to get what Gilly had!  Cuz... well...  I felt a little uncomfortable watching her eat it.  It seems a little too personal and intimate to share.
• We stopped on the way back to the hotel for a little bit (and I do mean a very little bit) of shopping before the planners got their collective assess in gear again and got the food and liquor set up for the official meet and greet!  That was great fun, let me tell you!!  So lovely to get to see just about everyone all at once.  These woman are just as wonderful and even more beautiful in person than you expect them to be!
• Then back to the karaoke bar - only this time with Tessie Rose.  Apparently it had been leaked that Tessie was coming because the bar was holy fucking packed.  A few drinks later and we hightailed it out of there, forming a protective ring around Tessie, and found a quieter bar in which to play.  So, fun to be able to just let your hair down, so to speak, with all these lovlies.  I'm pretty much planning on taking a state by state tour of the US to go and visit them all one by one.  
• Then on the way back to the hotel - ok we were already in the hotel when Carmen came rushing in and it turns out there was a different group just coming in for a quick stop before heading out to a diner at 1am.  Well... of course I had to go!  I had the best time talking with Tina who when drunk is even more fun than normal!!
• finally off to bed at about 2 - not too bad and am up and feeling damn human this morning

Chicago - Day 1

At some point in the future - I will follow with a more coherent post that will include actual pictures and whatnot - but here's a very quick recap of my first day here.

Linda and I met up at the airport 8:00ish which was just not too bad as far as early morning hours are concerned and were immediately in vacation mode.  Once on the plane we got the requisite screwdriver and it was on!  Unfortunately they never came back around to give us a second drink, but we managed to survive.  Barely.

We arrived and literally ran into Jacquie in the bathroom - yay!

OMG - I swear the driver made fun of how 'girls' pack which, of course, totally meant she was talking about me being one of "those" girls with my two checked bags and my two carry-ons.  Where was my little fru fru pink wearing poochie when I needed him??

We hooked up with Stephanie, Gilly, Angie, Justine, and Jacquie and had lunch and began our drinking adventure.  Others arrived here and there and then all the planners showed up with a HUGE truck load of stuff.  Eventually we headed out to dinner - though I will say that the group of woman I was having dinner with totally ditched me!!!  I must have smelled or something.  Eventually they realized I wasn't with them and Joey called and told me they were well on the way.  Bitches.  I took a cute martini glass from the restaurant because someone told me I couldn't.  Apparently I'm 12.

Back to the hotel, got dressed in our slutty, drag queen, best and headed to the drag show - man that was fun.  I know it's as obvious as the nose on my face - but holy hell Dawnya is a fun chick - I'm totally in love with her.  After that - we head to a karaoke bar and lots of bad songs were sung and much liquor was consumed!

by the way... I've just been told by Drazil that I must point out her fabulousness to all of you - and well... yeah, she's fabulous - I think some of her ass popping gum drops have landed on me because I'm feeling pretty special myself.



On another note.... Can I just say wow!
I'm rooming with Linda, who's one of the planners as you know, and that's given me a unique perspective from which to view all the work those six amazing woman have been doing behind the scenes.  And let me tell you - it's a damn shit load of stuff they're doing.  While others are out taking tours of this and that or shopping or lunching or cough cough recovering from too much frivolity the night before.  They are stuffing bags full of swag that they've each busted their asses to get for all of us.  They've had boxes and boxes of shit delivered to Chicago from all over the damn place.  Let me just go on record of sending out a great big thank you to each and every one (Linda, Joey, Jenny, Lynne, Deb, and Stephanie) of you for all your hard work over this past year to make all this come together - it and you are all just amazing!

A few last minute things...

I can't comment - no idea why, but it's totally annoying....  here's a couple of random comments I was unable to post;

to Draz - I'm so thrilled to hear about Banana's latest drama, I'm totally grinning!  And numbers... I'm not sure we've talked about the actual numbers but mine is higher than his and we both know that.

to Tessie Rose - Yay!!!


Last night Tommy (my 13 year old) needed help creating a simple line graph in Excel.  I'm an accountant.  Did I mention that before.  An actual accountant - can we guess what program I spend a hell of a lot of my work life working in??  Yeah, that would be Excel.  I'm the excel queen.  I say as much to Tommy - and up we head to my laptop.  This very complicated graph had one line with four data points and a few labels to make it pretty.  I open the 2011 professional Office version of excel that's on my Mac and it starts asking me questions about sparkly lines - I kid you not.  Where do you want the sparkly lines and ok maybe it was sparkling lines.  But I don't want any stinking sparkly or sparkling lines.  I'm sitting there reading instructions about these lines and get as far as learning I can't continue without them.  As I'm in the process of packing for Chicago and this little graph should take approximately 30 seconds to complete I quickly close that version of Excel without ever figuring out what the fuck sparkly lines have to do with anything. 

No big deal, right?  I open the 2008 College version of excel that's on my mac and set out to create the graph and it takes about 3 seconds and up pops a graph that's the size of my pinky finger and I can not figure out how to make it bigger or add a title and other pretty things - Good fucking God people this is a 1 minute project and I'm failing on my second attempt.  Fuck it!  I end up logging into my work desktop through Citrix and do the graph in 10 seconds flat and email it to me at home before printing it. 

This one minute project took at least 15 and made my already joyful (not) mood even better.  But Tommy got a nice little pretty graph at the end of it.

(man, I am going to so screw up these new names - please point it out to me when I use their real names - thanks!!)



So... it's totally going to look like I'm one of those girls.  I have a suitcase that I'm going to check FULL of clothes for the sisterhood which is great but then when I got around to packing for me and the Chicago weather and well... of course I needed to put a few things into the suitcase I'm checking and well... when I did - it's now too heavy.  Oops.  So now I'm going to check two, count them two, bags for my four day trip to Chicago.  I feel like I need to be carrying an annoying little dog wearing a little pink outfit too.


I have never, in my whole life, ever needed to get away from my life more than I do right at this moment and I can't tell you a) how excited I am that I actually have a trip planned and b) how unbelieveabley amazing it is that the trip is getting to see all of you wonderful, loveing, supportive, fun people. 


To all those of you who are unable to make the trip this year - I will sincerely miss you and hope you'll be able to join us next year!!!

2011 BOOBs fun facts

Hello bloggers!

Can you believe it's only 29 days away? Time sure does fly! In an effort to get to know each other even mooooore we have a little questionnaire for you. If you are so inclined (c'mon - be inclined!) copy these questions onto your own blog to answer. Go crazy and steal the image above too!

If you don't feel comfortable answering some questions like when your flight arrives because you have a stalker, don't worry your pretty little head about it. We only ask to help pair up people that would like to share a cab, a shuttle, a few laughs, etc. If you like, you can email your info to us at bandofoutrageousbabes@gmail.com and we can let you know if anyone else is traveling near your time too.

Title: BOOBs 2011 Fun Facts! 

1. How did you pick your blog name?

I just answered that here in last week's BYOC.

2. When did you start blogging?

Wow, I had to look this one up... April 27, 2009 which was long before I had even thought about getting the lab band.  I had some fits and starts and then I got the band and thought my doctor was an idiot and wished there was some support out there somewhere and then I had this moment - it was a cross between a duh moment and an aha moment and I said - holy shit, I bet there are people who blog about this shit out there and I started googling and never in my wildest dreams did I think I'd possibly find such an amazing community.  I joined the community and really got going here on September 16, 2010.

3. Theme of blog (weight loss, family, circus clowns, sci-fi, erotica, fly fishing, doll collecting, star wars, etc)

While I did absolutely consider circus clowns and sci-fi erotica (all one category for me) I ended up on weight loss - I know, I know - it's old and boring... been there, done that.. Which is why I spice it up with stories about the length of my cervix.  You can thank me later.

4. Did you go to BOOBs 2010?

I did not.  I had just found the group shortly before it last year - and really, I'm shy enough that I needed a good few months under my belt before I would have considered ever going to a strange city to meet a bunch of strange women - but now.... OMG - I can not wait!

5. When were you banded?

July 2, 2010

6. How much have you lost?

Roughly 40 lbs since I had the band and 60ish pounds from my high.

7. What are you most looking forward to at BOOBs?

Meeting new people, being silly, getting laid (oops did that damn filter come off again), seeing people I've met again - just generally having fun and being surrounded by a group of people who get it - where there's none of "that" pressure.

8. What/who do you hope to find/see/accomplish at BOOBs 2011?

Um... Yeah, I've got nothing on this one.  I just hope to have fun, to be accepted, to not get so drunk that I am too hungover the next day - it's a balancing act.

9. Children? Pets?

2 boys; Ted just turned 13 - holy shit, and Jackson is 10.5  And an idiot of a barking dog named Bandit, 2 hamsters, and 7 fish.

10. Who is your roomie?

I have the very best roomies!  Linda and Rhonda.  I know you're all jealous, as well you should be.  If you're really nice to me, I might let you sit near me which will put you near them.

11. What day do you arrive?

Thursday

12. What airport/flight/time?

Midway at 10:15

13. What events are you signed up for?

The drag show and dinner and the rest I'm going to just be hanging loose - perhaps velcroed to Gilly when possible - I'm hoping she'll motorboat me - can that be a verb used like that??

14. Hobbies?

Yup.  I really wanted to leave it at that, but just can't.  I make jewelry - and really have this bad habit of deciding I'm going to do some new hobbie - and I run out and buy all there is to buy and then do it - until I know I'm brilliant at it and then I never touch it again.  I am prepared at any time to scrapbook the hell out of things, make a basket, make a clock, create sculpture out of a variety of media, reupholster furniture, sew clothes, make pillows, build furniture - you name it and I've probably tried it.

15. Career?

I'm a controller for a manufacturing company

16. Single? Married? In a relationship?

no, yes, and hopefully very soon

17. Your birthday month?

May, of course - it's the very best.  I'm a Taurus.

18. What do you want other BOOBs to know about you?

Well geez.  I think I kind of throw up all about my damn life; cervix, vibrators, and all.  I do want you all to know that I swear to god I am not the debbie downer that I seem to be recently.  This is just an odd time in my life and it is what it is - It's hard for me to censor out the bad just because that's not my normal stuff - but I swear I'm usually... well not miss suzie sunshine cuz i'm way to crass for that - but much closer to suzie than debbie.

Anyway - I am wildly excited about every bit of it and can't wait to meet each and every one of you!!

Ode to the L-shaped box...

When I was young and feeling ignored I used to daydream of these L-shaped boxes I wished people came in.  We’d all be exactly the same on the outside – well you could always decorate your box in whatever way you wanted, but your hair color, or disabilities, or fat, or big feet, or whatever – all that stuff would be hidden.  We’d all be on the same level playing field and we’d be able to connect or not on an honest – person to person basis without all the other junk.  The box was L shaped so we could be comfortably sitting with our legs straight out in front of us (and yeah, to this old body, that’s so not comfortable anymore for long periods of time).

And now there’s the internet.  I like to take credit for it, move over Al Gore, it was clearly my idea.  Sure, we needed others to perfect it, but seriously – I’m thinking my L-shaped box was the true beginnings of what we now know and love.

Anywhoozle (just for you) I am having a love affair with the internet these days and it’s all about the L-shaped box theory – where we all show up on the same level playing field.  We’re all equal – or equal enough (I mean you might need Jenny to make you truly equal, but we’ll cut you some slack till you’ve contacted her).  Until then – we are here – in our little boxes saying and doing what we want.  Maybe some are more honest than others, but that comes through clearly enough.  And we all get to use this information – the honest people to people stuff – to see how we connect with others.  It’s only natural that we connect with some more than others – but we can get there, I think, from a whole different more honest place than sometimes happens in real life – as in face to face life.  And then, and here’s the extra really cool part – you can take what you’ve learned and go meet people face to face who you already know you connect with!!  How seriously cool is that?

Here are some reasons why I love my little L-shaped box the internet;  Camille – on paper, she and I couldn’t be more different – okay well we both have red hair and big boobs – but that’s where the similarities end.  We are different ages, religions (including how important our religion is to us), I work, she stays at home, I live in civilization, she lives in the middle of nowhere – I could go on and on.  But the point is – if we had met in person – even if we lived in the same town or neighborhood – I just don’t think we’d have ever given each other the time of day, beyond polite chit chat.  We wouldn’t have given each other a chance cuz the external differences are so huge.  But she’s my best friend.  We click on all the important levels.  She’s the one who knows where all the bodies are buried and which vibrators I like best (okay maybe not that – but… hmmm yeah, she probably does).  And I’ve never met her in person.  I talk to her every day and without the internet – we would never have met. 

Then there’s ‘the boss’ he’s not gay as he reminded me yesterday after reading my post on the subject – ‘you can’t pretend that with me!’  Yeah, but the same damn theory holds true for him.  He’s completely off limits to me for a whole different reason and because of that – He’s completely safe and I absolutely love playing with him.  I can ask him or talk to him about any number of things I wouldn’t dream of talking about with another man in just the same way.  We can flirt and banter.  And I’ve never met him.  One day I’m sure I will and that will be way fun, but in the mean time without the internet – there’d be no him – at least that I knew of and that would be a damn loss.

And then there are all these damn boobs!  Seriously could I be more lucky?  Last weekend I had so much fun with Tessie and John, then I got back and had dinner with Linda and Bonnie the very next night, then last night I had a lovely dinner with Lara from Band Babe – dude!!! none of that would be remotely possibly without my L-shaped box invention.

I had the most fun conversation with Gilly this morning when I was supposed to be working and she was supposed to be working out – it was so worth it!!  And without my invention it couldn’t have happened.  I swear I’m putting little hearts and flowers (and maybe some pockets for single use vibrators to pass out to those I love) on the outside of my box. 

I have friends I met through my kinky connections, through my lap band connections, through friends of friends on Facebook.  And it all started with a little L-shaped box.  I’m da bomb!  Hey!  Where are my royalties?

How will you decorate your box??

Tessie Rose & John singing - Come see!!!!

So much fun in NOLA!!!!

Jazz Fest
This weekend I went to NOLA to their Jazz and Heritage Festival which I’ve been going to every two or three years since 1993.  (side note, as I love a good side note:  Brad and I eloped, sort of, while we were busy and stressed planning our November wedding and we got married by the Justice of the Peace in April then hopped on a plane and  headed to our very first Jazz Fest (Brad's only gone that one time).  Brad likes to tell people how he spent his wedding night with four women – as we were sharing a room with some friends back in the day)  Anyway – I had a blast, as always, at Fest.  I started my time down there with a bloody mary, crawfish bread and Buckwheat Zydeco – an amazing combination if ever there was one.  And it just continued from there.  There was a truly amazing tribute to Mahalia Jackson on the 100^th anniversary of her birth done primarily by the great Irma Thomas, lots of wonderful Zydeco, Marcia Ball (one of my all time favorites!!), Better Than Ezra, Geno Delafose (he's new to me, but I think I'm in love), and the list goes on and on.  Great food!!  Great music!!  Great friends!!  It just can't be beat, I'm already looking forward to the next time we go!!

It's important to get in your veggies while in NOLA - if that means olives and green beans in your bloody mary so be it!!


One of my favorite things to do, of course is to go people-ing.  And while this isn't all that news worthy I felt I had to do a little PSA right here in the middle of this post.  No one wants to see your thong.  Okay.  Let's all say it together.  No one wants to see your thong.  And.. well okay, that's not completely true.  When you're 20 years old and truly have the body for a thong - lots of 20 year old boys want to see your thong.

But... if you're over 50.

No one wants to see your thong.

Okay, are we all good on that now?

I may have been a little stupid with the sunscreen on the second day.  In my defense I was leaving Fest early to go meet John and Theresa.... but... okay.  I'm just dumb.

John and Theresa
I am in love.  Seriously I am.  I think I'm going to see if they'll adopt me - I know that means they would have had me a little before or after the time of their births - but I'm thinking that's just a little detail and we'll be able to work around it.  I can't tell you how excited I was to meet them.  I can put up a good face walk in a room like I own it and all - but usually the idea of walking in alone to meet people for the first time would just about kill me - but I was so excited my Fest friends wanted to stay longer at the Fest and I was going to get to hang out with them all by myself for a while.  I know many of you have experienced this before - but I totally wasn't going to meet these new people I was excited to meet - No way!  I was going off to play with my good, old, dear, friends; John and Theresa!

I can't tell you how wonderful it was that they made the trip into NOLA when I was there - I'm so glad they got a night away to themselves - but I'm all kinds of excited I got to spend a fair amount of it with them - it was just so wonderful that they were able to make the timing work like that - I can't tell you how much I appreciate it!!


But - so - I am meeting them at a karaoke place on Bourbon Street.  Have I mentioned, I don't do karaoke, I mean seriously!  Sing at the top of my lungs in the grocery store - sure.  Sing on a stage with a mic in my hand - no fucking way in hell.  It's a long known fact about me.  Read doesn't do karaoke.  Unh uh (shaking head vehemently), No way.  Not gonna happen.  But...!! I'm totally up for watching them do it.  I'm thrilled in fact.  Cuz you know, maybe they won't like me, and/or the conversation will stall - we'll always have the singers to talk about - so, I'm thinking it's actually the perfect place to meet old friends for the first time.


Anyway - there were no such worries as I loved them both immediately and I don't think they hated me.  They are just as wonderful and funny and fun and sweet and lovely as they are on their blogs.  It was so immediately like we'd known each other forever - I was completely comfortable and at ease the second I walked into the door.  It's possible that there were a few lake sized cocktails consumed.  

My first Gin and Tonic

And maybe, possibly, though I won't confirm or deny, there were some jello shots sucked down. (seriously - jello shots.  I'm going to be 45 in two weeks - I can't remember the last time I did jello shots).  

 Theresa made lots of new friends and had a little fan club forming in the corner next to her.  It was a little extra work for John and I, what with crowd control and having to get all their names and addresses so they could be added to her mailing list, but it was well worth it to see how quickly she had them eating out of the palm of her hands.  There was a little Cupid Shuffle (which I'd never before heard of, though Theresa was a pro at), John tried to teach me how to two step (he had to keep reminding me he was the one leading - I promise I'll do better next time, I swear!!).  There was John telling me how wonderful Theresa was - over and over.  "Look at her, isn't she amazing"  Yup!! she absolutely is!  And then there was the singing.

They got up and did some karaoke both separately and together.  I have them doing a Beatles song together on a video on my phone and I'll get it up on Youtube soon! (I'll figure out how to do that tonight or tomorrow).  They are both fantastic up there - it was so so so much fun watching them!!!  They're total naturals!  Then, there was this great guy - I forget his name - but he was amazingly bad.  I mean seriously, seriously bad.  He couldn't find a note to save his life; but he got up there time after time and belted them out one after the other and it was just about the best thing I'd ever seen because he had no idea he wasn't the next American Idol!  I totally loved it!  And then that mean old Theresa conned me into going up with her and singing too.  I mean - right there up on the stage.  With a microphone.  We've discussed this.  I don't do this kind of thing.  I'd really, really like to say I was kicking and screaming the whole way up there, but it was more like... 


Theresa: So, you ready?
Me: sure, let's go.


OMG.  And then John had to go and take a video - which actually I'm beyond thrilled by (and maybe begged him to do) cuz it's never going to happen again (well maybe I'll do it again in Chicago if there's enough alcohol involved.)  I'm going to do my best to pressure him relentlessly until he puts it up on Youtube as well, cuz I was way too drunk to have any sense of what that was like.


We were supposed to meet my friends for dinner... uh... but well let's just say that didn't happen and leave it at that.  I will say there was some more alcohol involved and some really good bar-b-que shrimp that's served in this bowl full of all this yummy sauce that you then dip the really good bread into.  

Little known medical fact: apparently when lubricated with jello, a band is primed for bread to slide on through.






This is evidence of my brilliance (or maybe a teeny, tiny bit too much alcohol).  I couldn't tell the difference between movie and picture on my camera.  This was supposed to be a picture - but.. not so much.

A Ricky sighting, A Jack funny, and Chicago...

• So this email pops up to me at work from…. Duh duh duh.. "Rosemary Lastname".  Hey guys it’s Ricky!  (my MIL)  I'm so excited!!!  But wait – there’s no way in hell Ricky knows what email is, much less how to send one.  This has got to be a cruel joke.  I click on it, only to see that the address is actually Brad’s and the message is “I am having some google issues this morning.  What name comes through on this email?”

         So, you’re what?  Channeling your mom this morning???

• While going through last year’s school papers, Brad comes across a paper from Jackson from third grade.

         The question was: How would you cook a turkey?

         Jack’s answer: I’d tell him it was a tanning booth.

         My response: That’s my boy!

• I just (well really it was Brad) booked my tickets to Chicago – whoopee!!  I’m landing at Midway at 2:20pm on Thursday.  If anyone else is getting in around then, we could find each other and share a cab to the hotel.

Jenny's been here - come see!!!

Can you stand it??? Look what Jenny did!!!  I'm so in love with the new look.  How cute is that bee and that turtle?  OMG.

It's sort of like spring on steroids!!!  So much fun!

If you haven't already, I totally recommend hiring Jenny to re-do your blog.  What a fun, fun process!

Thank you so much!!

Mini BOOBs?? (not me)... BOOBs 1.5??... NYC Brunch

Seriously!  Could that have been more fun?  I'm not sure it could have been - I guess it could have if those who couldn't make it from around the world had been there too.... I'll just have to wait for Chicago for that!

Though I was totally in denial about it, I was completely nervous about going.  I had hives on and off for all of last week, but completely pretended they were just odd groups of mysterious mosquito bites - not stress induced hives.  Nope.  Not me.

Bonnie, Linda, Angie, and I took the Mega bus up and despite the obscene hour had a perfectly lovely trip up.  We were a little early and wasted some time getting coffee and walking up and down the street in the sun until the restaurant opened.  AND THEN!! Guess what?  They can't serve alcohol in NYC before noon.  I don't know if that's just on Sunday or what.  But what??? they stop serving at I'm guessing 4 or 5 am and then must wait till noon.  Totally funny to me. (thought definitely not at that moment as I seriously wanted a drink.)

We had some seriously yummy guacamole and chips, cuz we're all seriously health conscious like that!  I was telling my friend Camille about the guac and she immediately Googled it (as she is the undisputed Google queen) and this link is a chef at Dos Caminos talking about making it and the recipe is as follows:

* 2 tablespoons finely chopped cilantro leaves
* 2 teaspoons finely chopped white onion
* 2 teaspoons minced jalapeno or Serrano chilies, seeds and membranes removed, if desired
* 1/2 teaspoon Kosher salt
* 2 large ripe avocados, preferably California Haas, peeled and seeded
* 2 tablespoons cored, seeded, and finely chopped plum tomatoes (1 small tomato)
* 2 teaspoons freshly squeezed lime juice

This is a bad picture of the beautiful Vanessa reaching for their seriously yummy guacomole.

I had to enlarge to the nth degree as this picture was really of a bunch of people in the bar with Vanessa way in the back - but it was the only one with their guac in it and it was seriously good!

Guess what I had for dinner tonight!!!!!

It was so easy to make and so so so so good!!!

I was lucky enough to be sitting with Bonnie on my right and Gilly on my left and Carmen and Jen across from me with Linda and then Joey on the other side of Jen.  Sooo much fun!!  It's not like I wasn't already madly in love with all these women, but now... seriously... I can't stand it.  They were all just exactly as I thought they'd be and I had just so much fun laughing with all of them.  The connection was immediate as if we're all old friends.


At one point Joey was saying that it was sort of like meeting celebrities - as in you've seen their pictures and know what they look like and you know all this info about them - like you were on the lookout for some other famous bandy people. It's totally true. I swear I totally came to New York so I could be in the presence of the celebrities Joey and Gilly and all those other wonderful woman who's journeys I've been following. And I got to meet several others who's journeys I'll soon be catching up on!


Speaking of celebrities...

After brunch we went back up to the bar we saw Lindsay Lohan.  She was just standing there texting.  Susan just leaned over and asked.. Excuse me, are you Lindsay Lohan?  Lindsay totally denied it, but I've decided to believe it was really her and she just didn't want to tell us and really, that's okay right?  She totally deserves privacy and anonymity in her life... she's such a sweet girl.


On the drive home, poor Linda had to endure my singing as I was in a totally mellow mood and just had to listen to some Zach Brown band (and a little Steel Magnolia's too).


I didn't get to spend time with everyone, but everyone that I did get to talk to was - to a person - absolutely delightful. Warm, real, generous, open, funny-as-shit and just plain lovely!  You know, everyone says how women are these mean catty bitches - and I'm here to tell you (though I know you already know) that this community is filled with nothing but support and praise.  What a lucky girl I am!

 
And okay - this last picture of me and Carmen was taken on my phone just as we were leaving.  I was at my drunkest and have no idea who took it - it was a total surprise - I was so excited - when I got home and found it there as I was showing Brad the pictures.  I've also determined that, clearly, I need to have all my pictures taken when drunk because while Carmen is as beautiful as she always is - I look great in this picture - all tan and whatnot when I'm really white as a ghost.