a couple of pictures

So... despite the fact that I am the undisputed queen of Plateauville I'm still in a good place and think I may be in a position to pass this fucking crown off to some poor unsuspecting slob one day in the near-ish future... Unexpectedly two pictures were taken of me (one by me) in the last week that did a hell of a job reminding me I'm doing just fine and I thought I'd share them with you.

This first one is from last Saturday at the wedding of some friends.

That's a friend of mine, Brett, with me.

And this one I took earlier today to show someone my new shirt

please note the Redskins' colors!!

In the wedding picture my hair is all kinds of fucked up crazy - but it totally doesn't detract from the fact that I think it's a great picture of me.  And looking at the new shirt picture I have a hard time seeing the color, which is why I bought the shirt - really all I see are the girls in contrast to the rest of me.  It's not a bad look.  I'm pretty okay with what I look like right now and that's a damn good thing.

I can only handle so much temptation... so sue me

Well... I'm being accountable.  And it's not my best work.  I had a great day yesterday liquids on day 1 of the pouch test.  I had a great day today (day 2 of liquids) until I left for work... no that's not true.  it was until I left the marriage counselor.  I went by myself as Brad was unavailable and it was good and all - but... you know... I was a little raw afterwards (can someone please tell me what's wrong with the spelling of afterwards??  Is it not a word? Is it two words??  This is what I say yet when I spell it - I'm told I'm a moron - please help) - okay, maybe a lot raw. 

The place is quite near my sister's house and I sat at a light and debated - do I go to her house, or do I go home.  I had a plan for dinner at home, but I definitely needed some down time - some processing time before I went home to my husband and kids.  At my sisters are my freaking adorable nieces, not to mention my sister who I like very much - but she will try to feed me and she and her husband both are very, very good cooks.

But, in the end it was traffic that made my choice.  I got out of the appointment right at rush hour and the main road to my house was MOBBED!!!  So I decided to stay down where I was and go visit the sister.  Do you know what that little bitch was doing when I got there??? I bet you can't guess.  She was just pulling out of the oil, home made thick french fries.  She told me she'd been working to perfect them.  Bitch.  I said no.  I'm not going to have any.  Then we got to talking about the appointment and some other stuff and.. I had a fry.  They were indeed perfect.  I had even told her, I don't want any cuz then I'll want a lot.  Well, I was right.  I wanted a lot.  Luckily I wasn't able to consume very many - I seem to have found the one thing that effects my band - stress.  Then my B-I-L came home and Jesus God he whipped up these hot pork loin and cheese sandwiches in the time it took me to blink twice.  I had totally hit my limit - my.. "if I have one more morsel of anyfuckingthing I will puke" limit and then S (BIL) says, no Read, you've got to try this - it's to die for.  No, S. I'm good, it looks wonderful, but no thanks. 

What does the little bastard do?  He completely ignores me.  He cuts one of the sandwiches in half and puts it on a plate and pushes it to me.  Come on, it's soooo good, you've got to give it a try.  Here, he pours ketchup (of all things) on the plate.  It's even better with ketchup.  Knowing S as I do I was confident this would continue until I had at least one bite - so... I dutifully dipped a corner in the ketchup and took perhaps the smallest bite in the history of the world while I prayed I wouldn't accidentally swallow any of it.  I chewed and chewed and chewed and waited an appropriate amount of time before I excused myself, all the while keeping the liquefied very, very yummy sandwich bite in my mouth and headed for the bathroom to spit it out.  Have you guys ever done that???  I decided it was a new threshold for me - one I'm not sure I'm proud of or horrified by - LOL. 

Anyway - it wasn't enough and I puked a bit anyway - oops.  Oh well..  But really the bigger problem was - the damn had been breached.  I was now in the - I want to shove some food at my rawness place.  So when I got home - what did I have?? But the crack my husband bought last night.  I have not once bought those horrific little crack light potato flakes since I talked about it a while ago - and last night out of the blue Brad brings home an industrial sized box.  I was like... are you fucking kidding me - that's crack to me.  He immediately hid the box from me, which was good - but when I asked for it tonight he said - do you really want it?  um, yes.  yes I do.  I said.  And well... now I feel sick.  But wait - I'm going downstairs and dumping the rest of that god damn shit in the trash can so I can't be tempted again because clearly I'm weak..... Okay - done - they're gone now.

sigh.

Here is where I am...

I can only do what I can do.  Isn’t that the truth?  I read a post the other day from Dinnerland and it totally got me thinking.  You know what?  I gained a few pounds.  I can hide from that, sure.  I can refuse to ever get on the scale again.  I can make excuses; I can bitch and moan about why and how.  But… who cares.  It just doesn’t matter how I got here… okay, I don’t actually believe that completely.  Certainly it matters how we got here.  How we got anywhere.  But if I spend all my time and energy on trying to figure out what got me here, when (and if) I finally figure it out, I’ll still be here.  I need to spend the lion’s share of my time and energy on moving from here. 

I can only do what I can do – I can only get up today and decide to make good food choices, decide to exercise, decide to blog, decide to read things I know will inspire me to continue to make good choices.  I’m here.  Here is where I am, I can only move from here.  The things I do today can bring me one step closer to where I want to be. 

Do I think it’s important to try to figure out how I got here?  Sure.  I think understanding that, or trying to, can help me try to avoid the same pitfalls next week or next month.  But, I can’t *only* try to figure it out, blame it away, cry and moan about it – I have to do something about it too.  I have to move from here, because here is where I am. 

This is true with marriage too, don’t you think?  You can be mad and defensive and full of anger and blame about what has changed and what you did wrong or how you got here, but… who cares.  Okay, there is probably very valuable information in there – knowing how we got here, where here is – this is all good, I’ve no doubt – but if there’s no connection today, then there’s no connection today.  And I need to move from here, because here is where I am.  The bridges won’t get built again because I know what broke them down.  I may be able to support them better for the knowing, but just knowing won’t build them.  I have to stand here, right where I am today and decide to build them.  I can work, and work hard, to figure out how to build them stronger – but I have to decide to build them first.  I have to decide to move from here, because here is where I am.

The Treadmill Progression - and a couple other things

This decade sucks
So - I've been hanging out in the 190s for three months now.  I'm tired of being here.  I've toured all I can tour.  I go up, I go down - but always within this little range.  I'm bored now.  Let's move on, shall we?

BOOBs II
I'm so freaking excited I can't stand myself.  I am looking forward to meeting each and every one of you!  Anyone for a cocktail????  I'm ready!!

The Treadmill Progression
I'm working my way back up the exercise mountain.  I don't know about any of you, but I can tell how I'm doing by how I pass the time while on the treadmill.  Stage one: Reading a book- while in this stage I can read a book.  It's not the easist thing in the world to read, but I can do it and I totally get caught up and all of a sudden it's 30 or 40 minutes in.  I am walking at a brisk pace, but it's not really taxing me yet - but my body and mind are getting used to the time and effort and routine - I've passed this stage and moved onto the next. 

Stage two: Good drama.  I can't read anymore, though I still really want to - so sometimes I'll still try and end up getting seasick.  Can you get treadmill sick?  In this stage I watch an hour long drama that I like.  I used to be able to FF through the commercials and I'd end up with a 45 min workout by the time the credits rolled.  But we just switched to Fios and if I'm watching "on demand" which is cool to be able to do, I can't FF, but the commercials are shorter - so it ends up at about 50 min.  Right now, I'm catching up on Castle and will then likely move on to Bones.  This is the stage I'm on now.  I'm still walking, but at a fast pace, and I'm sweating and I'm thinking about adding in intervals of running, though I'm not ready for that yet.

Stage 3 - bad drama.  The time committment is the same, though sometimes I'll add to it - but I am putting forth too much effort to really catch every nuance in a drama that I really enjoy; you know, the byplay between Castle and Becket - a raised eyebrow, a stare - that kind of thing.  So I switch to dramas that I don't like as much.  Where I don't have to pay constant attention to still get the drift of what's going on.  I'm almost here, so I'll be switching to Haiwaii 5-0 soon or maybe CSI - they both fill this niche for me.

Stage 4 - Realty TV.  I'm doing intervals of running and I'm sweating like a pig and barely hanging on to life as I know it - but it feels amazing.  There's no way I can concentrate on a drama.  I'll miss whole segments and then I'm lost and annoyed.  So I switch to Reality TV.  I love American Idle, Project Runway, and So You Think You Can Dance so between those and all the many, many other choices that just don't take any brain power - I'm totally set for this place.

It was really nice when I moved to the "Dramas I like" stage.  It reminded me in this concrete way - this is a journey - I'll get there; both to stage 4 and also out of this frickin' decade.

The wake-up call

Why do we need them?  I don’t know about the rest of you, but it sort of pisses me off that I do.  I’ve been struggling for a couple of weeks now.  It all goes back to this new fill.  I have ½ cc more in me now than I did before, and in some respects I am tighter.  I definitely have a harder time eating in the morning.  But for the most part, it’s opened the world of food back up for me.  I hadn’t eaten any pasta, bread, or rice since surgery because that was a rule my doctor gave me; none of that for six months.  He says that those three things more than most others expand and that’s not a good idea while still getting used to your little stoma.  When the six month mark came, I had enough restriction that I was still afraid to try eating it. 

Then I got this fill and well slowly but surely I’ve been able to eat…. Anything.  Nothing is off limits.  And if I eat slowly enough, sometimes I can eat way more than I should be able to with no issues whatsoever.  Of course on other days I can’t get past bite two before I’m done, but that’s just the fickle nature of the band I think. 

I didn’t really eat a lot of pasta, bread, and rice before the surgery – it’s just not my thing.  But as I’ve been able to eat – really just capable – I’ve been seemingly experimenting non stop.  We just celebrated Christmas with my dad and step mom this weekend (yes, I know it’s February) and we ordered some pizza for the kids and some chicken pasta pesto for the grownups.  I fully expected to eat a few bites of the chicken and call it a day.  I wasn’t at all worried about it.  I knew Dad and Pat wouldn’t notice how little I was eating and if they did, an easy comment or even lie would placate them.

But then I had trouble telling the pieces of chicken and the penne apart – it was all the same sauce color and the same size-ish – and I had a few bites of pasta.  And guess what?  My stoma didn’t explode.  In fact, it went down with no problem at all.  When I had the chicken which was totally dry, that was a little dicey, but the pasta – no problem whatsoever.  So, of course I had more pasta.  Then, Brad and I took the left over pasta home with us – added more sauce because it was a little dry and I had more of it all weekend long.  Hell, I hadn’t had a bite of pasta in more than seven months – this was totally cool to me.

I had forgotten to do my weigh in on Friday, but had weighed myself last Wednesday which marked seven months since surgery and I was back in the right direction at 192.8.  Then the experimentation hit full swing.  OMG.  I can eat pasta.  That probably means I can eat sushi too – though I haven’t tried that one, maybe even ½ a sandwich.  Okay – really I have to back up.  I learned about the pasta over the weekend…. But the pizza.  I swear to god – honest to goodness pizza – that was on Thursday or Friday. 

Brad was away and there was a fundraising night for Jack’s school at a local pizza place.  I carefully reviewed their menu online from work and ordered a salad for me and some pizza for the boys.  Weeeellllll… I ate my salad – which I think must be a super band expanding food for me – and decided to take a bite of the pizza (which I also hadn’t had any of in seven months) and guess what.  I had no problem with it at all.  None.  I ended up eating 2 ½ pieces of pizza – and not any mamsy pamsy thin crust either – without even the tiniest comment from my band. (and of course this was after I ate the entire salad which I thought I’d only be eating a little bit of).  Holy shit, I had a whole salad and 2.5 pieces of pizza for dinner.  Are you kidding me?  How is that even possible?

Then we went onto the weekend where I had pasta – drenched in a creamy pesto sauce I might add.  Anyway – to the wakeup call.  Oh wait.  Have I been working out?  um… nope.  I even took Drazil’s challenge to workout the remaining – oh 6 or so days of January… I failed the first day.  I’d love to say it was all because I hurt my shoulder, but that would be a big fat lie.  There were probably a couple days in there where even the treadmill would have hurt my arm, but for the most part it was shear laziness.  I hate being lazy.

So to the wake-up call.  I have always weighed myself on Monday mornings – for many, many years.  Only since the band have I started making Friday’s my official weigh in day – but I still dutifully record my weight every Monday morning – of course it’s on a spreadsheet that goes back for years.  Well, my friends, I couldn’t do it.  I couldn’t make myself get on the scale on Monday morning.  I was too afraid of what the number might be.  Did you see what I ate?  Can you imagine?  But on Tuesday I had to do it.  I was afraid of continuing to not get on the scale – fearing that would start a big huge unstoppable slide back to where I started or worse.  (The other thing not getting on the scale is a sign of for me - is running away - like I do with blogging I think too - sometimes I only blog about the good stuff (band wise) and I really think that's unhealthy for me.  I need to just get it all out there - the good and the bad.  I just don't want to hide anymore.)

I got on the scale on Tuesday morning totally fearing I’d see a number that started with a 2 again.  And I did – but only for a second while it settled on its final number of HOLY SHIT 199.8.  OMG.  Seriously OMG.  So, I decided drastic measures were called for – something to whack my system back to where it needed to be.  I did liquids yesterday – I had plenty of protein – just all in liquid form.  Today I’m back to my normal if boring mostly protein food that I eat during the week.  I exercised yesterday and this morning.  I think the call (or weight, as it may be) woke me up sufficiently.  I don’t want to go back there.  Apparently it’s pretty easy to do – band or not.  Usually this current fill level doesn’t let me eat much – the pizza night was a total anomaly – but it does let me eat whatever the hell I want.  This is a good thing.  But it’s a very scary thing too.  We’ll see how it goes. 

Calling all new bandsters

I'm not even a tiny little bit of an expert on anything, least of all the band - but after several months I wanted to share one person's thoughts about the journey so far.  The following are some observations I’ve had regarding my band.

-         Comparing myself to others; whether positively or negatively is stupid and unproductive.

-         Listen to your body – it knows best.
-          I feel my band, not my port, every single morning.  I know exactly where the top of my stomach is in my body – it’s kind of weird.

-         Having a support group that actually has a band inside their bodies is flat out priceless.

-         Having a support group of non-judgmental people – whether they have a band or not is equally as priceless.

-         Having a doctor or NP who is ready, willing, and able to work with you; to give you honest feedback and listen to your honest opinions is key to this journey.  If you don’t have that, do what you need to in order to get it.

-         Finding the “green zone” or “sweet spot” is not quick or easy – give yourself time and forgiveness while you get there.

-         The band is not a magic bullet.

-         It’s still all me on the hook for making this happen and getting to where I want to go.

I’m nearly 7 months in and nearly 45lbs down.  I believe I’m in a very good place restriction wise.  I think I could eat anything I wanted to, just in very small quantities – which was one of my goals going in – to not have foods that were off limits.  To a certain degree I’ve dieted my way down 45 lbs.  That’s not a completely true statement because I have certainly not been following any specific plan and I’ve certainly eaten my fair share (or more) of chocolate and ice cream here and there, but I have followed the band rules very carefully at least 5 out of every 7 days – and mostly followed them on the other two as well – and I did this whether I had some restriction or no restriction whatsoever, hunger pains have been my companion at times.

The truth is, I’ve just gotten to this mythical band place that I’d read about in fairy tales where I truly can not consume very much food and eating such small quantities does not create tons of hunger.  And now, I really feel like it’s beginning for me.  Seriously – this is the beginning for me – not 7 months ago, not 45 lbs ago.  It’s now.  I now need to figure out how to live with this thing inside me.  It’s mentally hard not to eat more food than I’m capable of.  It’s a lifetime of habits that I need to break.  It’s just now that I’m dealing with the head hunger vs. the real hunger.  I’m not totally hungry all the time anymore, but that doesn’t mean I don’t think it should be time to eat at certain times of the day, or after a certain amount of time has passed.  Or time to eat more because whatever that was tasted so damn good.

I’m extremely happy with my choice to get the band and am thrilled with my progress so far, but I really want those of you newer to this than I to hear – go easy on yourself.  It’s so easy to compare yourself to others, to get down on yourself – to get lost in the woods of bandster hell.  Read the blogs – we all learn different lessons, and have different losses at different points, you’ll get there!!.

I wish to all of you peace and confidence.  We’ll all get there in our own sweet time.

I'm whining. I know already!

So I only lost 7.4 lbs this month and I’m disappointed by that.  On the one hand, I’m thrilled the number is going down, don’t get me wrong.  But on the other, here I am in this really good headspace.  I’ve finally gotten my ass in gear and am on the treadmill 5 days every week with increasing intensity.  I haven’t added the weights yet, but I am consciously trying not to overwhelm myself, you know?  One thing at a time.  I’m doing great on the eating front.  I’m feeling pretty good about the cardio part.  I’ll add the weights part – but in this really great headspace, I should be losing more than 1.85 lbs per week.  This is like the beginning for me, you know?  And I’m doing what I should be doing. 

In the future it will be harder, sure.  But right now.  This is the easy part (band or not), I’m cruising along, doing what I should.  When I did the Johns Hopkins program I was eating roughly the same amount of calories, working out the same (at this point.  I did increase it, just as I will this time), and I was consistently losing on average 2.5lbs per week.  What’s the difference this time.  Is it just the 4 years older that I am?  I think if I understood the why, it wouldn’t bug me so much, but alas.  It does.  But, I’m just going to keep doing what I know I should be doing – this is the easy part and my body will either figure it out or it won't.

They want you to do what?

Another little convo about meeting up with Linda, Bonnie and maybe Banded Mommy from This Banded Mommy's Journal...

Brad: So, why are you meeting up with these people?  Just to chat and get to know each other??


Me: Yeah.  (and to allay his fears I added)  We're meeting at PF Changs.


B: Okay, that sounds good.


M: Though... oddly they wanted me to first meet them around back behind the dumpsters...




My smart ass wonderful neighbors
As I mentioned before we're starting our Christmas decorating seriously early since we're going away for Thanksgiving week and have the party the week after that.  So on Saturday, first Brad put up our Halloween decorations that include the new addition of a 6 foot plus grim reaper, and then he started putting up icicle lights around the garage. 


I saw our neighbor Alicia later in the day who said:  So, Read, the Christmas lights with the green dude... It's a good look.  We were wondering, after tomorrow what are you going to do?  Add a little baby Jesus in front of Mr. Reaper?  Or maybe give him some wings??

I truly love our neighbors.

The good, the bad, and the ugly

The Good
I'm alive, I didn't kill anyone today, and I got a .5cc fill.

The Bad

On previous visits I was wearing a simple cotton skirt and a simple cotton t-shirt and stepped on the scale barefoot.  On this visit I was wearing long pants, suede boots (as they were my heaviest - I maybe, sort of weighed them), a short sleeved thin sweater and a heavy (again with the weighing) cardigan.  When I got there, I sort of put my big key ring in one of my pockets and my iphone in the other.  And then there were the sunglasses hanging off my sweater and the glasses I decided to wear (I usually only wear them when reading or in front of a spreadsheet at work).  Oh and there was the water I'd drunk so far that day and man oh man did I have to pee.

This morning at home I weighed 13.8lbs less than I weighed the last time I saw him.  This afternoon at the office I weighed 6lbs less than the last time.  I swear to God I was shocked that there was nearly an 8lb differential - but also secretly pleased as that put me at less than a lb per week in the 7 weeks since I'd been there.

The Ugly

So I'm in there with him and I'm telling him how I'm doing great on this restrictive diet I'm on, and how I'm following all his rules (I am a serious rule follower after all) but that I think I need a fill as I can definitely eat more than 1 cup of food, though I'm being really good about not doing that and I'm getting hungry in about 2 hours, maybe a little less after I eat.

Me:  For instance, I had 4oz of chicken salad just under 2 hours ago and my stomach just started growling.
Him:  Now, now now, a growling stomach is not a sign of hunger.  That's just air passing through your stomach.
Me: raised eyebrows (I can't do just one - which really annoys me) - uh.. it's not?  Cuz the rest of the world sort of thinks it is.
Him:  It can occasionally be that, but just stomach rumbling isn't a sign of hunger.
Me: Well of course not, but I can tell the difference in my own body.
Him: I'm not so sure you can. (well excuse the fuck out of me you pompous ass)
Me:  okay - I had 4oz of chicken salad just under 2 hours ago and I am feeling all the signs I attribute to hunger.

I believe he rolled his eyes at that point.

Him: let me show you the latest research (he leaves and comes back handing me a pamphlet from Realize with a section circled)  Read this.

"Research has shown that a more conservative

approach to adjustments in the first year

results in better long-term weight loss."

It has 2 sample patients with a month by month time line under both of them and on the conservative side the guy had 4cc in his 1st month and then an additional 1.75cc in month 4.

Me:  Okay, so the conservative patient had in month one what I have now.
Him: No, (shaking his head in a patronizing way as he takes it from me to show me how wrong I am).  You see..  Oh... wait.. um... (emphatically) Well he didn't get his first fill until 4 months and this is your 3rd fill.  All I'm saying is to go slow.

I manfully refrained from flipping him off at that point.


He continued on to tell me (I seriously pulled out a notebook and took notes) "The band is not designed to reduce hunger.  Its only purpose is to keep you from eating fast, not chewing your food well, and reducing your portion size."

I told him that I was only addressing the literature that I got from him.  The red, yellow, green thing.  That the yellow sign suggests you need a fill if you are getting hungry between meals or if you can eat more than a cup of food and well, since both of those things are true for me, I'm following what he's told me in the past and telling him what's going on with me.

I told him that while I'm not medical professional I have been doing a certain amount of research trying to more fully understand what I'm working with and it's a pretty consistent theme that having the band filled to some point which differs from person to person absolutely helps makes you feel satisfied longer after eating and how I was just trying to reconcile how all of the other information I'm getting from a variety of sources differs from what he says as I've chosen him to be my doctor.

I went on to tell him about the article that Fluffy directed me to on her blog called It's not about Restriction by Dr. Terry Simpson and how its main premise is "the purpose of the band is not restriction; the purpose of the band is to lose weight by suppressing the appetite"

His reaction; "That's complete baloney".  I did go on to explain that the article was designed to point out that those people with bands who are looking for restriction to mean that they are so tight it's hard to eat are missing the point - that they should be looking for it to help them stay satisfied longer. - That appeased him a little and while he wouldn't agree the band was designed in part to suppress appetite he did acknowledge that in some people there might be some help with that, but that in general appetite suppression is an entirely separate issue from the Band.

He suggested putting me on Fentermine. (I'm sure I'm spelling that incorrectly) if I'm truly getting hungry after 2 hours.  This is my lap band surgeon - suggesting to put me on drugs instead of giving me a fill to see if that works.  This is the 2nd visit in a row he's suggested putting me on drugs to deal with the fact that I get hungry within 2 hours of eating 4oz of chicken salad. 

 

I truly think he believes fat people are dumb.  I've had this impression to one degree or another since the first information session I went to and ultimately this is the problem.  I worked hard the whole time I was there to give off the impression that I was, in fact, dumb and needed his expert guidance to help poor pitiful little me and I think that's the only reason he gave me a fill.

While he was putting it in (that sound dirty which is gross given who I'm talking about) he said - see, you have to look at this, which I've got to say is kind of hard to see over my boobs, but I look and he's showing me how after he pushes in most of the cc he was planning on putting in and then lets go of the plunger thingy it slowly starts to push back out.  See!  Do you see that?  

Me: Uh, yeah.  

Him: Well that means your band is really tight, I'm only going to put in 1/2 cc.

Me: Okay.

Once it was in and I was up off the table (uh... dirty again) I said - so if being hungry after only a couple of hours is not a sign I need a fill, and being able to eat more than a cup of food isn't a sign - what is a sign?  

Him: If you are not losing weight. 

Me - I totally need to find a different practice.

A little confession and a little request for advice..

I struggle with asking for help, or even acknowledging there’s an issue until I figure it out on my own. I need to be an expert at things before I’ve ever given it a try – this leads to sometimes just not trying new things – OMG what if I look like an idiot – or people find out I’m clueless and point and stare. There’s a pretty big part of me that I like to believe truly doesn’t give a rats ass if they point and stare, but there’s enough of me that clearly does.



I’ve been struggling with the scale and with my doctor.


My scale was just sitting there going a little up and a little down. Generally speaking I felt like I was doing the right things. I’m not saying I didn’t eat a bunch of chocolate a couple of Fridays ago or that I’ve been perfect beyond that, but I’ve been pretty darn good with what I’m doing. Okay – well exercise has not been my strong suit recently. And man, I like to exercise so I don’t know what my problem is, but still. And it seems that when it stalls for reasons I can’t explain I am quick to think – ‘Oh, I should do just liquids for a couple of days’ – (I always loose a quick few lbs after a fill when I’m on liquids for 2 days). And I have done this at least twice and it has in fact worked – but it’s not how I want to live my life for the duration. I don’t want to only drink liquids for 2 out of every 7 days. It just doesn’t seem like a healthy option for an ongoing, long term, healthy life style. Good food – fruits and veggies and lean protein – these are good healthy options – right?


So this week I forced myself to not do it again. To just eat what I have been eating. To write it all down in case I was fooling myself (which I’m happy to say I wasn’t) and to get up off my ass and at least walk on the treadmill sitting right there in the middle of my room. It’s just math after all – expend more then you take in, eventually the scale has to catch up, right? This morning it finally moved and hit 210 – WOO-freakin’-HOO. That would make me 25% of the way towards my goal. I’ll say it doesn’t count till tomorrow, but still – I’m just grateful that it moved at all.


My doctor – So I believe I need another fill. I have 4cc in my 10cc band and it’s at this level that I first felt the slightest bit of restriction. I’m a little tighter in the mornings, but it’s not anything that really would keep me from eating anything – more it makes me extra cautious about chewing. I get hungry in less than two hours after eating – as in stomach growling hungry. It feels like any progress I’m making is really mostly due to will power. And if I could do this with will power alone I wouldn’t be talking to all of you, now would I? So the problem is, I’m fairly confident that my doctor will not give me a fill when I go. He’s said that if you are losing about a lb a week then everything is good and working as it should. So I’ve been taking time to plan out my attack for him (which couldn’t be more stupid in my mind). These are things I’m actively considering.


• Weighing my clothes down so it doesn’t look like I’ve lost as much weight (if I can figure out a way to make it look like a gain that would be even better)


• Bringing a calendar with my weekly weight loss and even amending it a bit to put even more of it the first two weeks after my last fill (9/9) and almost nothing since then.


• Bringing the graphic with the yellow, green, and red signs to go down the list on the yellow one to illustrate that I am in fact not in the green zone even if I have lost weight.


• Bringing my food logs that I just started that include when I’m getting hungry – probably doctoring them up a bit too to emphasize how quickly I’m getting hungry after eating the types of foods he wants me to be eating.


So my questions are – Which of these things should I actually do, if not all of them? Or should I be considering just ditching my doctor with the theory of finding someone else who I might actually feel like I could have a real live conversation with? There’s a Fill Center about 45 minutes from me and there are certainly lots of other doctors in the Baltimore area. Or should I consider something different altogether?


Any thoughts would be greatly appreciated!!

No weighing for me

I just want to mark my progress - that I have been true to my word and not stepped on the scale. Frankly it doesn't feel like I'm losing anything. But I'm not going to be deterred. I don't know what's going on with my body, but we'll just see what happens on Monday morning.

ok now this is getting on my nerves

So I've still continued to be very diligent about staying on plan and now I'm well into my period and all the residual water weight issues related to that should be over but still I gained .4 lbs today. I know that's not much, but it's 1.4 lbs down from one week ago today and this is the 10th dayish of a diet. I mean seriously. But what it really showed me more than anything else - is that this whole weighing everyday thing - that's got to be over. Because what creeped into my head was all kinds of negative little blips which I'm not going to go into because I don't want them in my head, but still....

So I have one goal for the rest of the week... to wait until Monday to weigh myself again. My little challenge for the rest of the week is that I'm having lunch out with my friend on Friday. My plan is to look at the menu in advance so I know what I'm going to order. She knows I'm trying to lose weight again and will be very supportive, but I don't particularly want to discuss the details of what I'm doing with her or anyone else at the moment. So I'll be picking something that is low in calories and carbs and high in protein. Can anyone say... grilled chicken salad or something close to that. I'll report back as to how I do on both of those things.

It's Wednesday and I've actually been below 220 for 2 days in a row, geesh. I've still not gone off plan at all and yesterday I'd lost the pound I'd gained the day before and then today I lost most of another one. Hopefully starting todayish my body will be done with whatever period caused issues it was having for another month and I'll do just fine this week. (you'll see I'm weighing every day this week too - but really that's just cuz last week was so odd).

Last time when I started on this most restrictive part of the plan for four weeks I lost 19 lbs during that time. I've been secretly hoping to make it an even 20 this time, though that first week's results makes that seem less likely, but we'll see. I worked out moderately last week and am kicking up the intensity and duration a bit this week towards my 20 lb goal. If I don't succeed, I'll be fine. I know I'm reaching a bit with it, but I'm going to see what I can do to work for it. 19 more days of this part of the plan. I can do that. I can work hard for that period of time. We'll talk about the next period in a couple of weeks. Also I wanted to see more than 10 lbs in two weeks of the plan (obviously needed to get to the 20 in 4 - but still). And I need 1.8 more from this morning to acheive that which I think should happen.

I'm feeling really good about my mental state as it relates to weight loss. It's all mental with me, I'm sure that's true with everyone, but I know it's true for me. And there are a few things in the rest of my life that are not going great - I'm annoyed and disappointed with my husband for instance - but it hasn't even remotely touched this part of me. I so love when I am in this place. It actually frightens me a little to right that last sentence as if I can and will jinx it. But I'm going to just keep plugging along one day at a time and continue to hope for the best.

the countdown(s)

Another thing I'm reproducing from the last time I did this is the countdown calendar. I found it helpful to have a goal in mind - sort of like a smaller chunk of time to concentrate on. It started right at the beginning because there is a "quick start" program that lasts 4 weeks during which you only eat "their" food and it works out to just under 900 calories per day. So I created a calendar where I could count down the 28 days. I remember the first time coming home with seemingly small bag full of every single thing I was going to eat for that first week and being very nervous about it. Mind you I know I said to myself "uh it's not like there's any danger of you wasting away in 7 days". As each calendar time was up I would look forward to some upcoming date and make a calendar to that - maybe my husband's birthday, or my own, or Christmas, or when I was going to see some old friends - and I'd count down - 35 days to go, 34 days to go, 33 days to go. On more than one occasion I'd think, well I know I can make it for 33 more days.

So this time I started right off with a date in the future, which is October 10th. That date is the start of a conference that both my husband and I work at for the weekend. We'll see lots of old friends and we'll be working at least 18 hours days and will be likely eating the sandwiches brought in and participating in at least 2 nice dinners. I haven't fully decided how I'm going to handle the weekend eating wise, but I have decided that from now till then I'm going to give it my very best shot. My calendar has a countdown within a countdown. The first 28 days I am doing a similar quick start program and so I want to count down to the end of that in addition to counting down till the conference. As of this morning, I had 23 days left of the quick start part and 35 until the conference. I can manage both of those, though it will be really great when the numbers move to the next set of 1o as in below 20 and below 30 - those are markers I can get behind.

As for my plan and progress it's been going good. Last time I was eating a combination of Medifast and Advanced Health System foods and a day consisted of 6 "meals"; 2 bars each 150-160ish cals, 4 "other things" of about 100-120 ish cals. For two of them I usually chose some soy based chip or pretzel but it could have been a soup or shake or a variety of other things, and for the last two you could have their version of fettuccine alfredo, or macaroni and cheese and they would equal 2 "other things" and it was about 220 cals. In addition to that I needed to eat 10 g all at once of fat (which last time was either a teaspoon of butter or some cream cheese - each 100 cals. Apparently this is for proper gall bladder function and very important.

So this time I ordered from Medifast a bunch of bars and I buy soy chips at the grocery store. My plan was to eat 2 bars (breakfast and lunch) and two little prepared baggies of soy chips (mid morning and mid afternoon) and then come home and eat one of the pasta meals I had left over and when they were gone I was going to find a replacement that was as close to the same nutritional makeup as I could find. The pasta were not from Medifast and I hadn't been able to find them online. I was able to find some Weight Watchers Smart Ones meals that meet my nutritional requirements, but if finally dawned on me - Why not see if my very assertive and more internet savvy than I husband of mine could get me a source of the pasta. It took him some searching and a phone call and an email but he found me a source and I've ordered them. They should be here on Wednesday which is none too soon, since I've already run out of my supply - I thought I had more... oops.

The problem I've not quite solved though is that I couldn't find the bars I had last time and the bars I got only have 110 calories instead of 160. Which means at the end of the day I'm 100 cals in the hole. On the one hand - ok that's good right - but on the other - I'm afraid of not getting enough and then having my body think it's starving and wanting to hold onto the weight for all it's worth. I haven't fully decided to just eat another bar each day, but I've been a bit liberal with some things. For instance I put parm. cheese in my pasta which has some cals but not many carbs. or I went "heavy" on my cream cheese.

The first 3 days as expected were the hardest but then my body figured it out and I'm doing okay. I've exercised 3 days at a moderate pace, just working up to a sweat before stopping. In the past I've found a relatively slow buildup to exercise has helped me not burn out and stay consistent for long periods of time. Usually I'm pretty anal about only weighing myself once a week, but the first week I've allowed myself to do it every day; and I lost almost 7 lbs in the first 3 days and nothing in the next 2. Part of me is worried about the "my body thinks I'm starving thing" but the bigger part of me feels like I'm eating really closely to what I ate before for the other first 4 weeks and am just going to see what happens. Maybe it's as simple as where I am in my cycle. I definitely think 5 days in is way too early to panic so we'll just have to see.

Read

Day 1 - I've started

So the day arrived and I started. A couple of weeks ago I ordered some protein bars from Medifast as they were one of the two types of food I could eat when I was doing the most restrictive part of that old plan. So today I took 2 bars with me and put a serving each of soy crisps in 2 ziploc bags and threw it all in my purse and headed to work. I'm eating at the same regular intervals I did last time; 8am, 10:30, 1pm, 3:30, and 6pm. For dinner I have some left over Advanced Heath System pasta dishes which are roughly equal to two other meal replacement thingies and I had one of those. I am also supposed to have 10g of fat all at one time which is for gall bladder health. Though instead of that tonight, I had some steak that my husband had made. I remember that if I had to go off the plan for any reason that the most important thing was to stay in ketosis (or however you might spell that) so I spent the extra 100 calories on a bit of steak, complete with the non trimmed fat. Probably not the best choice, but not the worst either. I'll take it.

Also I updated my weight ticker, I gained weight in the last few weeks of summer over vacation and a general eating orgy so I updated it to reflect what I believe was my highest weight which I measured last Monday and then I lost 1.8 lbs this past week before I started the diet, just by eating more like a human, even though I still went to two different social events; including a 6 hour long fantasy football draft party with food out the wazoo!

I'm nervous about doing this, but am feeling really good about it. I have been having more and more moments of ... um ... I'm not sure what to call it - but a feeling I get where I feel in control of my life and my choices. Like I control what I do and what I eat vs. the food controlling me - and it's not just food - it's everything. I'm either in control or I'm a pawn in someone else's game - and I didn't get the rule book. I hate not having the rule book. I'm the kind of girl who reads the rules cover to cover and I've spent most of my life thinking everyone else had the read the book cover to cover and I couldn't even get a copy. But there are times I feel like I'm in control and know and understand all the rules - or better yet - don't care what the rules are because I'll make my own. Those are the times I'm at my most healthy.