You have to start somewhere.

I did it.  It’s small.  But I did it.  I set a goal and I met the goal.  It frightens me in ways I don’t understand, but I’m happy I did it.  I went for a walk to a particular street.  That’s all I did, but man, you’ve got to start somewhere, right?

On my walk I learned... ok didn’t learn… was reminded in no uncertain terms about how out of shape I am.  It’s pretty bad.  But again… You’ve got to start somewhere.  So while lying in bed I decided to set a goal – I have a long and unhappy relationship with goals – I was going to walk to a particular cross street.  I don’t know how long it is, but it’s more than a half mile, so I knew I’d be walking more than a mile.  And the last little bit to the cross street is a solid down hill – which is great, except I was going to turn around at the street and head back home which means a good solid up hill.  In the past I’ve stopped at a mailbox just before that hill – afraid of it.  But… I decided while lying in bed I was going to go to the street.  It’s not like the hill will kill me, right?

It took roughly 5 minutes for me to start thinking about just going to the mailbox.  Whenever I “start” walking again, the outside of my lower legs will sometimes… seize up… they hurt a lot and they get rock hard. I’m not sure what it is exactly, but from experience I know that after my body gets used to walking again, that’s the first thing that goes away.  On some level I welcome the pain – because I know it will go away and I’ll have a measure of progress I can mark.  So that was going on on my left leg.  And on the right side, my foot hurt.  I had a car accident on Monday.  Just a little fender bender - that totally destroyed the front end of my car - and starting on Tuesday my right foot hurt a little.  I've chalked it up to the accident as I was 'standing' on the brake pedal with that foot at the point of impact.  It's hurt on and off for the rest of the week, but usually it's been one of those things where when I first stand up and start walking it hurts, but as I keep walking, down the hall, down the street, whatever - it loosens up and is fine. 

During my walk it hurt the whole way, but not terribly.  Enough to notice, but not so much that it was really hindering me.  As I got closer to the mailbox I decided I could make it to the street.  It was my goal and I want to learn to set and work towards and achieve goals - and this was just a little one.  Both my legs hurt in different ways, but it wasn't terrible.  I'm terribly out of shape so it makes perfect sense my body would be trying to convince me to go back and sit quietly on the couch, but you've got to start somewhere and it's just a couple blocks further down to the street past the mailbox.  So I past the mailbox, kept my head down and made it to the street and back.  Yay me.

But, by the end of the walk, the outside of my left leg had mostly loosened up, but my right foot continued to hurt and started to hurt a little more.  I turned a corner and could see my shadow and noticed I even seemed to be limping a little which I absolutely didn't want to be doing.  So I worked hard on walking steadily and evenly and not limping.  I was nearly home by then and made it.

Unfortunately, my foot seems to have continued to get worse.  I got inside and my poor foot seems to have given up.  So here I sit with my foot on ice, having ingested several advil, hoping I'll walk again.  (No, I'm not dramatic.... much).

So... you have to start somewhere - that's my new mantra.  We'll see where it leads me.

For how long can you love a mirror?

While playing on Pint#r#st - to which I'm entirely addicted - I saw this great quote that reminded me of an old friend.

"You can't just sit there and put everyone's life 

ahead of yours and think that counts as love."

It just doesn't and it's so true and so important. 

I know people out there that think - truly deep down believe - that putting someone else's wants first, before their own, is proof of love.  Intense love.  Unconditional love.  Forever love.

I believe, however, that if you only do what the other wants.  Only do and try and compromise so that you can be whatever or whoever you think the other person wants you to be, that you are not showing love, but showing them a mirror.  For love to truly work, there needs to be give and take.  There needs to be two individual people with differing points of view who know themselves well enough to know where their own lines are.  Once you start compromising yourself... once you start going against your own gut - especially in the name of love - there aren't two people any longer as one of them fades and turns into a mirror. 

In some ways it's easy to love a mirror because everything you see is what you want, but in another way - it's nearly impossible to keep loving a mirror because there's really nothing there.  It's hallow.  It's just a mirage.  Nothing is there to hold on to, to push against, to test things with.

Knowing your own limits and your own mind and heart and wants and needs certainly doesn't mean you can't and don't compromise with those you love.  Of course you give things a try just because they want to try it - or at least seriously consider it - but you come at it as your own advocate first and foremost.  If your goal is to make your relationship stronger, making your partner happy is certainly part of that.  But doing things that make you unhappy can't be part of that, because that just means you are no longer part of the equation.  It's just your partner and their reflection.  I'm not sure what that is, but I don't believe it's an example of love - neither of yourself or your partner.

Ten Things Thursday.... (yes, I know it's Friday. So sue me.)

1) A conversation with Jason;

Jase: Mom (said with utter derision), my friend said he didn’t know what Snakes on a Plane was about.

Me and Jason: laughed out loud

Jase: So I told him it was about horses.

Me: laughed some more

Jase: on a boat.

He is so my kid!

2) I just learned my kids' laptops do not have netnanny on them.  It was an absolute requirement for their computers.  It did not occur to me that I had to make sure Dan also added it to their laptops - that they can TAKE INTO THEIR ROOMS AND CLOSE THE DOOR.  The day I learned of this Dan tells me that Tom had slept until 1:30 and I said - that's because he was up till 3 watching porn.  Dan, being uncharacteristically not smart, said - yeah, probably.

3) I can not get used to having to take Jason to camp in the morning, or to picking him up in the evening.  It more than doubles my commute time to and from work.  I’ve been late to work each day I’ve had to do it.  And I’ve made plans after work on two different nights that I can’t possibly make it to in time.  I have gotten up twice and gotten on the treadmill… but still.

4) Every day this week we’ve had tornado watches and warnings and severe thunderstorm warnings.  Some days there has even been a little rain.

5) That reminds me of a couple of weeks ago.  There were terrible storms here in MD and tornado watches and warnings all over the damn place.  I think three small ones ended up touching down.  I'm sure some of you live where tornadoes are a little more common - but here in MD it's a pretty rare thing.  We live in hurricane country, not tornado country.  But... the problem with this particular day was that my sister and I had gone down to Annapolis to go to our dad's retirement party and her husband was locked away in a meeting and Dan was away on a business trip.  My kids were at our home and her kids were in a big warehouse of a building at gymnastics practice.  My house has a basement that's half underground and we'd talked about what to do before, but first Jason calls me crying because they've just announced on TV that there's a warning in our town and he needs to seek shelter now and he's more than a little wigged out.   Luckily he misheard - the imminent warning was for a different place outside of DC.  But my sister is madly driving home while I'm scanning the skies for tornadoes we would want to avoid while reading the alerts on my phone and looking at the radar - and calling my older son and telling him where he needs to be in the house and that he needs to keep Jason with him.  (not a conversation I enjoyed having with him).  Before we got to her girls the fear had subsided as all the storms were well to our south - but that was not my favorite trip from Annapolis to home.


6) Tommy is going to camp for two weeks on Sunday and I've been encouraging him to pack.  He's got a list.  This is the 6th year in a row he's gone to this same camp.  He's nearly 15 freaking years old - He's plenty old enough to make this happen on his own.  Finally on Thursday I come home and he's all proud of himself for having gotten all packed.  I just want to review it with you, he says and then I'm good to go!  Great, eventually I head upstairs to change my clothes and he calls to me on my way up.... uh, sorry about your bed.  Yeah.... every inch of my bed was covered in piles.  There were more piles of more things all over my floor.  Everywhere.  Stuff.... just everywhere.  I did not handle it well at all.  I slammed a few doors and hid in the bathroom until I managed to collect myself.  Let's focus more on how proud I am that he got it all pulled together and less on where he chose to do it.  I only ended up about 45 minutes later to bed than I intended.  There were no piles on my bed.  There were, however, four thousand piles on the floor.  Finally tonight we got everything loaded into duffel bags and he wanted to make sure he could carry it all on his person.

He could.

7) Jason, with his newly short hair, forgot to put sunscreen on the tops of his ears and they got seriously burnt.  As in blisters.  That he popped.  Ouch!!!  Poor baby!!! 


8) Someday I think I will have a clean room - but I'm not sure when.


9) The other day on the way home a car pulled right into my lane hitting the side of my car.  Shit!  I got out expecting to see all manner of damage to the drivers side of my car and instead finally figured out that we'd managed to just hit mirror to mirror.  It pulled both of our mirrors away slightly from the body.  I decided to just drive away and feel lucky.

10)  ok - only 9 this time.

A little story about Jack and Jill...

Once upon a time there was a couple (Jack and Jill) who’s marriage was failing.  They decided to have an open marriage in hopes of ending the cold war and finding their way back to being friends – an odd method for some, but many other methods had failed and it wasn’t all that odd for them.  Jill met a man (Kip) online who was also in an open marriage.  Jill liked him and that he was in a similar situation and they met.  It turned out that for Kip it was only open in theory until Jill, but he told his wife (Kelly) it was open in practice within a few weeks and after the initial shock she was completely open to the idea.

In fact, Kelly wanted to meet Jill.  They met and became fast friends.  Kelly hoped that Jack would want to have a similar relationship with her and that they could have a nice little group, though Jack was disinterested in any additional connections in his life at that time.  Kelly claimed to love Jill in her life, and in Kip’s life.  And for a while the three of them got along famously.  Jill really liked Kelly and enjoyed their friendship.  Eventually to Jill, it seemed that Kelly wasn’t really comfortable with Kip having this ongoing relationship with her so she offered to stop seeing Kip because she genuinely liked Kelly and was concerned Kelly wasn’t as comfortable with their intertwined relationship as she claimed she was.  Kelly repeatedly asked her not to leave.  Repeatedly told her she loved the new energy and freedom that Kip showed now that Jill was in his life.  Jack did enjoy meeting both Kip and Kelly and going out with them a couple of times but was utterly indifferent to Jill and Kip’s relationship; he wished her a good time each time she left to meet Kip.  Kip also sensed that Kelly wasn't comfortable with Jill in their lives and immediately offered to stop seeing Jill and Kelly was very angry that Kip would offer such a drastic option and insisted that she loved Jill in their lives and anything he was sensing was just her adjusting to everything.  Kelly said that to offer such a drastic option made Kelly feel as though Kip was trying to silence her.

Upon reflection, Jill believes she never would have suggested an open marriage if she wasn’t already done, in her mind, with her marriage to Jack, though she didn’t realize that at the time.  Jack and Jill did find their way back to being friends, but their marriage is over.  Jill is not exactly sure whether the same was true for Kip and Kelly.  Maybe Kip, too, felt his marriage was over, but hadn't yet come to terms with that, clearly Kip was looking for something that was missing; spice? connection?  Only Kip knows the answer to that.  And only Kelly knows the answer to why she so firmly encouraged the relationship between Kip and Jill. 

Jill only knows what she heard and saw from both Kelly and Kip.  Kelly embraced the openness of their marriage and found several new friends to spend time with; some also in open relationships.  Jill got mixed messages from both of them over time.  From Kelly she periodically got the feeling Kelly wasn’t always okay with their arrangement, but then Kelly would repeatedly assure Jill she was and she would consistently demonstrate how comfortable she was with their arrangement by working to ease Jill's worry and by finding additional ways for Kip and Jill to spend time alone together.  Sometimes Kelly would say their new arrangement was difficult to adjust to and other times she would talk about it being the best thing that ever happened to her.  Kip reported he got similar mixed messages from Kelly, though Jill doesn’t know if that’s true or not.

From Kip, Jill got a constant pull.  She had an intense immediate connection with him.  Over time Kip's struggle with his own marriage became more pronounced.  He talked about wanting a future with Jill more and more.  Jill fell in love with him and was open to the idea, but wasn't sure that was a viable option and certainly knew it was very premature to even think about. 


As time went on, Jill believed that the issues that originally had Kip wanting an open marriage became more clear to him and he became more certain that he no longer wanted to be married to Kelly. Kelly also began to report that she didn't think she could stay married to Kip. Kip stated he loved both Kelly and Jill.  Kelly stated she loved both Kip and Jill. Jill was overwhelmed by the constant drama and wanted out and pulled away from them both. Jill urged Kip to discuss what he wanted with Kelly; to be open and honest with her. Kip was afraid of the fallout from those direct conversations and instead of being direct and dealing with what needed to be dealt with he hedged and hinted and swayed back and forth with Kelly. He pushed and pulled and pushed and pulled.  Jill remains confused by his behavior, she assumes Kelly does too. Jill does know that Kip was emotionally abused by his father and badly bullied throughout school – including by friends of Kelly (they went to high school together and Kelly told Jill that the worst of the bullies were people in the outskirts of her high school crowd) – and she assumes he was terrified of the conflict as his early years had taught him conflict always ended badly for him. Jill thinks it’s possible that Kelly’s association with the high school bullies may have played a part in his fear of painfully truthful conversation with her as well, but is not sure of that.  Kip did not handle the exit of his marriage well. He was not always fair or nice to Kelly.  Jill is not sure how Kelly was treating him during that time. 


Jill believes Kelly decided she couldn’t handle the push and pull Kip was giving her and decided she was going to leave their marriage, though Jill is not sure of this. Kelly never talked to Jill about any of this and Jill was surprised when she discovered that Kelly had unfriended Jill and blocked her on FB. Jill was sad about that, but certainly understood how she could be a reminder of a painful situation. Kip struggled with Kelly’s decision. He told Jill he was both relieved it was ending and sad he was losing such a good friend. Kelly moved out of state for the summer before moving into an apartment in the fall.  For several months his inconsistent behavior with Kelly also bled over to his relationship with Jill until she had enough and also left Kip. Jill and Jack remained good friends but decided to get a divorce.


After Jill had left and Kip had pulled Kelly back again there was a big tell-all conversation with Kip, Kelly, and Jill; where Kelly and Jill shared all the truths that Kip had hidden or lied about. It was quite an evening and forever referred to as ‘that night in the gazebo’. In a moment of insanity, Jill took Kip back at the end of that night after he’d looked Kelly in the eye and told her he didn’t want to continue in a marriage with her, that despite pulling her back, he wanted a relationship with Jill. Kelly still wanted to maintain a close friendship with Jill. Jill wasn't sure that was healthy for any of  them.

 
Jill was extremely cautious about this new chapter in their relationship. Their connection remained just as powerful – but she didn’t let him in as she had before. She also laid down several conditions that needed to be met in order for her to truly give it a try again; all of them for her own protection. The biggest and most important was for him to figure himself out. To understand what allowed him to behave the way he did. He readily agreed to her terms and worked hard to get centered and healthy. Jill believes you can’t truly offer yourself to someone else until you can be whole all by yourself. And she believes Kip did not believe in his own worth and that until he truly did, he would continue not to be the man he wanted to be.

Nearly a year after that night in the gazebo, Kip and Jill are still together and Kelly is still living in a near by city and his daughters report she is thriving.  With one big exception three months after that night, things between Jill and Kip have been good and calm and happy. It’s taken this long for Jill to begin to relax into Kip again. She sees the work he’s done. In the first few months after that night in the gazebo she watched him fall apart and start to put himself back together. It was gut-wrenching to watch as well as fascinating and impressive as hell. But it’s taken this long for her to realize she was still holding her breath in a lot of ways. Jill spends a great deal of time with Kip, but has still been keeping him at bay to some extent. For the last year, she treats her time with him as… something like “her other life”. As if she has two distinct lives; both real. But in no way connected. Both Jill and Kip have children and Jill was firm about not wanting to drag their children into an ongoing drama. She believed that if and when they were truly in a good and calm and happy place they could bring their children into the mix. For her – that really meant – truly mixing her two lives. It took this long –but finally she’s ready. She’s ready to breathe again. 

Ten Things Thursday

1) My baby boy had 5 – count them, 5 – teeth pulled yesterday.  It was supposed to be 6, but last week he fell and landed face first on the edge of the couch and one fell out – so yay for that.  They were all baby teeth and at 12 ½ they still just didn’t want to come out.  Most of them weren’t even remotely loose and they were threatening to make his otherwise straight adult teeth start to wig out and think about staying where they were or coming out in all kinds of crazy angles.  He did great – probably better than his mom.

2) A little conversation with 14 year old Tommy

                Tom: Mom, I need some new clothes hooks.

                Me: ok, I just found a couple the other day, they are hanging over my door. (pointing to bedroom door right in front of me.)

                Tom: (walks over and stares, confused, at the over the door hooks)… (looked a little more)… (went to a different door to look at other hooks)… (looked a little more)… (then, I swear to God, you could see the little light bulb go off over his head.)  Oh!  I don’t mean those kind of hooks, I need the other kind.

                Me: ok.  What other kind?

                Tom: (acting this out with his hands) You know.  The kind that is a triangle with a hook on the top.

                Me: (doing my best to not fall out of the chair laughing) Uh… you mean hangers?

                Tom: yeah, that.

                Sigh

3) I don’t know that “Good enough” is really good enough – so why is it called that?  My marriage didn’t suck.  We didn’t fight.  We like each other, hell, we love each other.  I had it better than lots and lots and lots of people.  We connected in lots of friend kind of ways.  We just weren’t connected at all in a love and marriage kind of way.  We lived next to each other.  We were friends with benefits.  It wasn’t good enough for me and he wasn’t willing or able to try to fix that.  And that's sad.

4) I just put money on my electronic S!arb4ck’s card and used it for the first time ever this morning.  OMG – I love it!!!!  I love technology.  How cool is it to flash my phone at someone and have them hand you a chai latte.  (I am also very thankful that S!arb4ck’s is not remotely convenient to my normal routine and is only possible occasionally)  

5) I think therapy should be mandatory for all humans.  (I’m ignoring all manner of far more important social issues here – like food and education and safe housing and I’m well aware of that).  Sometimes it’s helpful to get through a particular situation and that’s fantastic – but really – I just think it’s so important for all of us to truly know and understand ourselves.  I so believe you can’t truly be there for anyone else unless and until you can own your own faults and fears and walls and understand how they can affect others.  And I say this just as no where near being able to truly look at them all for me as everyone else – but I am totally aware I still hide things even from me.  

6) I am glad I’m blogging again – I do so enjoy it.

7) Tommy and I are doing Ji!!ian Mich@e!’s online exercise program together this summer.  It’s going to kick my ass – but I’m so grateful to the powers of the universe for putting his desire in my face.  Sometimes we all need a kick in the ass – and when it comes in the form of your 20year-old-looking-14-year-old – how can you say no?

8) Tom just got his hair cut – and Jesus-God – he looks entirely too old (if a little stoned).  I’m a little distressed. 

9) Jase also got a hair cut – which – thank the heavenly Lord above.  He loves his hair long, but it’s so straight it’s just always in his face but it isn’t a fight I have the slightest interest in fighting.  If at 12 he wants long hair – go for it (within reason).  But… he got his hair cut short – like really short, which shocked the shit out of me.  Thankfully he still looks like a little boy – unlike my mean old older son who has the nerve to look so damn old.

10) I’m thinking I need a new job.  I’m not 100% sure I want to continue doing what I’m doing now – so I’m planning on taking the next year ish – to gear myself up for doing something different – or maybe the same thing, but for a different company… we’ll see.

Trust.... clarified

I got an email today from a close friend telling me my “Trust” post made her worry about me – she wondered if I was okay – sure something was wrong in my relationship.  I’m sorry I made her worry – but nothing could be further from the truth.  All is moving along beautifully.  I’m happy.  Peace, calm, love, intensity… it’s all good.  I have, however, found myself truly fascinated by the human spirit.  I was immensely skeptical that we’d ever find our way back to trust.  But what I’m learning each day is that we can. 

Is it all the way back?  Nope.  Will it be the same when it’s all the way back?  Nope.  Will it be something strong and valuable?  Yup.  Can it work?  Yup.  Might it not work out?  Sure and I might get hit by a bus on the way home tonight too.  Who knows what the future will bring?  But I am awed by the human spirit.  I am awed by the lessons the world brings to your doorstep.  Some are lovely and some suck shiny white asses.  But they are all valuable.  And the key is not to lose sight of you – of who you are and what’s most important to you.

Never in a million years did I think my marriage would end, but it has (for all intents and purposes).  It’s not his fault.  Maybe it was all my fault, I don’t know – but I know he didn’t fight for me, for us.  I know that hurt me – I know that shapes some of how I see the world now.  I know he hurt my trust receptors too.  But, I also believe with all that I am – I am where I’m supposed to be right now.  It wasn't easy getting to this place, but I’m awfully glad I’m taking this journey. 

The fact that I can say “I do trust” is amazing to me.  It’s not perfect.  There are still wounds that are not yet healed.  There will always be scars, but I do trust and that’s miraculous.  How is that possible with what I watched?  With what I experienced?  I don’t know.  I just know that it’s coming back and that’s a beautiful thing.

Trust

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Here’s the thing.  I’m happy… really happy.  I’m happy with the choices I’ve made.  Happy with where they’ve led me.  But… that doesn’t’ mean I don’t still have questions.  Recently I’ve been thinking about Trust.

What is it?  How is it measured?  How is it sustained?  What if it’s broken?  How do you get it back?

Without going into all the gory details….

He spent several months not giving me the whole truth.  He looked me in the eyes and lied to me.  He took something from me, from us, we’ll never get back and boy, does that piss me off.  But… I decided not to leave, so now what?

The one thing I always believed in from him was his intentions.  I knew he wasn’t happy.  I knew he didn’t know how to reconcile that with how much of his life had been spent focused in one direction.  That it hadn’t been what he wanted, hadn’t been what he thought it would be… I knew he really struggled with living up to the things he’d said and done up to that point.  How could so many years of believing in one thing be wrong?

I believed he was beginning to believe in himself, beginning to believe that it was okay to reach for the connection and intensity he’d always wanted, beginning to believe that it was truly ok to just be.  And I knew it wasn’t going to be easy for him. 

I only ever wanted the truth.  I can deal with what needs dealing with – but only if I know what it is.  There were several months that were… just bad.  Finally I left.  I truly believed I’d never go back.  I’m still surprised I did.  I’m happy I did.  There were still more bumps in the road (understatement) after I went back.  And the worst of the bumps was the breaking of the trust.

I had a really hard time with how he lied to others.  How hard he tried to avoid having to just stand up and say what he wanted – knowing it was going to be hard.

How do you get the trust back?  How do you move forward when the trust will never come all the way back?  Once upon a time my therapist told me to look at his text messages, to have him give me his passwords so that I could read his emails.  I looked for a week or so – but… that’s just not who I am.  And frankly – if he wanted to go behind my back he’s clearly capable of creating new emails or getting new phones or … whatever else he might want to do.  So… what now?

You just move forward.  You take one day at a time.  You slowly build the bridge again.  You know the bridge won’t be the same, but it can still span the gap.  You revel in the beauty between each other.  You keep your eyes opened.  You don’t let worry build – you ask questions if you have them.  You breathe.  You thank God for the beauty you share.  You delight in the connection.  You enjoy each day. 

I can’t suddenly be someone I’m not.  I can’t tell him what to do.  I can’t tell him who he can and can’t talk to.  I can’t check up on him and follow around behind him and see what he’s doing.  If I were so untrusting that I felt I needed to look, I’d never believe it anyway – I’d always assume there were things I didn’t know about, things he was hiding and it would just make me crazy wondering what I might not be seeing – so after that week or so - I stopped looking.  I believe you’ve got to just be.  You have to live and let others live as they choose.  You’ve got to be clear about who you are and what you need – and then you’ve got to leave it up to…. Life… to belief… to trust.  It will be or it won’t.

For all I know, he may think I read his emails every day.  Or… maybe he thinks I don’t and he’s carrying on a double life.  I don’t believe that one.  Because – I do trust.  His intentions always spoke to me.  Maybe so did the bee – at least when I needed something extra to hold on to.

To Love...

Dear Love,

I wish and hope and pray that one day you'll know true intimacy... true connection.  There is richness and beauty in this world that I don't believe you've begun to touch and with all that I am I hope and pray you'll feel it one day.  Your mother fucked you up and I'll always hate her for that.  I'm so very, very sorry I can't wait for you to get there...  to do the work... to find the courage to risk your heart - to find the courage to take someone else's and hold it tight.

 

There exists the promise of intensity and passion and ups that light up your world and downs that crush your spirit.  But it only exists if you open up and take it... open up and want it... open up and beg for it... above all else - if you open up and risk it.  It's all a risk. 

 

I'll love you forever... you'll always be my family... it can't not be true...  but I have to have the connection - the passion - the intensity - the ups and downs...  and it can't be done alone.  There has to be someone else to share those things with - to risk everything to find those things with.  I wish it could have been with you, I truly do.  I desperately love our little family.  I wish we could keep it locked up safe and tight forever.  I'm so sorry I can't do that.  I'm so very sorry I need the ups and the downs.  I can't find a way to exist without them.  I know I'm being selfish - but I have to live.  I can't just exist.  The world is too big - too bright - too amazing to just exist in it.

 

I hope one day - with all my heart and soul - that you find the ability to rise above the things your mom kept you from learning.  There is so much more out there and I don't believe you have experienced it.  I hope you find it one day.  Hell, I hope you'll look for it one day.  I don't want for you to just exist alone in a vacuum.  The world knows you as this amazing human - and truly you are.  You're a rare breed; good and loyal and nice and helpful.  I want more for you.  I want connection.  I want richness.  I want intensity.  I want vacuums to just be appliances for you that the dog is scared of.. not a way of living. 

 

I hope we're able to find our way back to being friends and confidants.  Our best thing was always how well we hung out together and I hope we'll be able to hang out again.  To just be. 

 

I know you love me. That's the worst part. I love you and you love me. I always believed we'd celebrate our 50th anniversary and we'd still say Happyanniversaryiwin. It would still make us smile and not cry.  It breaks my heart that that won't happen.
I can't even be mad at you because I truly think your mom so fucked you up that your not capable of what I need.  I'm not sure you were willing to try either, but even that can be laid at your mom's feet.
 

All my love - always,

Dove

 

 

 

 

 

 

My family... sigh

1) This is a letter I sent to my friend Farrah the other morning...

Hopefully you're sound asleep but I am writing this in order to keep myself from killing Tommy in a bloody goulish mess.

He comes into my room where Dan and I are still sleeping.  I'm actually awake which I tell Tommy and he comes over to me to tell me 2 things. One is that he dropped his computer. The laptop we just bought him that I debated allowing him to have instead of a desktop computer because I was afraid he'd fucking drop it. "It's no big deal though mom. The screen isn't even cracked. But I'm telling you because Jason's gonna make a big deal out of it."  (really, Jason will think it's a big deal??? how fucking shocking)

Me. Where did it fall from? (thinking maybe it was sitting on the ottoman and fell to the carpeted floor.)

I was walking down the hall and it fell out of my arms.

Of course it did.

And 2nd he needs to tell me the Internet is down. Yes, I know it is. It went down right after I sent an email in the middle of the night.

Tom:  it's down
Me. Yes. I know
Tom. It's not working at all
Me. Yes I know.
Tom. But I can't play Xbox.
Me. Yes I know.
Tom. You need to fix it
Me. I can't. Your dad will look at it when he gets up.  Bring your computer back to your room and go take a shower.
Tom. (whining) I don't want to take a shower.
Me. You didn't take one yesterday. Go take one.
Tom. I really don't want to take one right now. (said in his best grown up voice, like could we please postpone this a little bit?)
Me. Okay. But go wash your face right now. You can shower in a bit.
Tom. I don't want to wash my face
Me. Okay. Do it anyway.
Tom. Whyyyyyyy?
Me. Because you have acne all over your face. Now go wash it.

He leaves.

I lay in bed for roughly 10 seconds when I realize I heard his computer drop in this seriously loud crash that I sat there and waited for screams of pain afterward. I get up to get his computer and I go straight to the bathroom where he should be washing his face and he's nowhere to be seen.

I pretty much want to kill him.

I find him in the basement. (shock of all shocks)

Me. TOMMY GET YOUR ASS UPSTAIRS RIGHT NOW AND BRING YOUR COMPUTER!!!!
Tom. Yeah??
Me. YOU DIDN'T WASH YOUR FACE
Tom. Yes I did.
Me. BULLSHIT  (There is a direct relationship between how pissed I am and how much I cuss which my children are well aware of)
Tom. I swear I did
Me. BULLSHIT. I STAYED IN BED AFTER YOU LEFT FOR ABOUT 10 SECONDS AND YOU ARE ALL THE WAY IN THE BASEMENT. YOU DIDN'T WASH YOUR FUCKING FACE.
Tom. I splashed water on it. (said with the tone that says aha, I've just proved you wrong)
Me. THAT'S NOT WASHING YOUR FACE
Tom. That's how I always wash my face.
Me. THAT'S NOT WASHING YOUR FACE. WASHING INVOLVES (insert crazy woman flailing her arms around in search of the right word) WASHING. LIKE WASHING. TO MAKE CLEAN. NOT TO MAKE WET. YOU GOT YOUR FACE WET.  Didn't we take you to a doctor who gave you products with which to wash your face. Who demonstrated exactly how you were to do it. What you did was RINSE YOUR FUCKING FACE NOT WASH IT. Now the computer is mine. I heard it fall. We just spent all this money on a computer for you and I didn't want to get a laptop for you because I was afraid you would FUCKING DROP IT. So now it's mine. Now go upstairs and take A FUCKING SHOWER. And not in my bathroom!!!
Tom. ( insert Tommy realizing he's pushed his mom too far and she already gone round the bend.) Okay mom. Here you go.

I think the only reason he's still alive is that he was standing on the stairs holding the laptop. If I hadn't wanted to salvage the laptop I think I would have happily pushed him down backwards.

2) Jason is watching E.T. for the first time and Dan and I are in the kitchen next to where he's watching and this little exchange happened between Jason and Dan.

Jason: What's so important about E.T.'s finger?

Dan: It's his energy interface.

Jason: ok, thanks.

me: (slowly banging my head against the table)

10 Things Thursday

I swear one of these days I'll really get back to blogging - I do so love it!!!

1) I am not getting enough sleep. I think it’s because I’m leading a double life and it’s beginning to catch up with me. But being a secret agent for a double super secret government agency is really fun.



2) My 11 year old has survived his first three days of school. There has been plenty of vomiting and tears, but I each day was better than the last. This morning went like this… he had a nightmare at 4am and didn't go back to sleep. He threw up once before getting in the shower, had me pull over so he could catch his breath on the way in, but got out of the car saying he was in a good place… Sigh.


3) My 14 year old was AMAZINGLY pissed this morning because his alarm didn’t go off and he had me waking him up instead. Pointing out that he failed to set the alarm didn’t calm him down one little bit.


4) The B@ltim*re C*mic*n, that Dan helps run, is in a touch more than a week. It occurred to me yesterday that we are doing much better this year than in past years as I only want to bash his head in about 50% of the time this year which is significantly down from previous years. I think just backing away and letting him do his own thing really helped.

5) A month from now I’ll be in Chicago and I am so excited about it. I can’t wait to be with all my friends – to actually sit and play with them!! I’m sort of a little giddy about it.


6) In three weeks my bff (she’ll hate that) Farrah is coming to visit for a long weekend and I am so excited. She’s leaving her kids at home and I’m taking off work and I have no idea what we’ll do. For all you out there in cyberspace – I met her online and we’ve been friends for more than five years and it was only a year ago that I met her for the first time. I headed out to her house in WY (which is a long way from MD) and was instantly “at home”. I think she is why Chicago wasn’t so much of a big deal to me last year – well that and I already loved all of you too!


7) I love the word squirmy.


8) I recently learned that one of my friends from high school lives approximately 10 minutes from me and plays his bass regularly on Tuesdays at a local open mic night. So this week me and a friend went and joined him and his wife and watched him play for a little bit. It was so fun to just jump right back in as if the last 400 years hadn’t passed. His wife treated me as if she too had known me since high school; it was kind of sweet, funny, and odd at the same time. I very much liked her – though it was a table full of introverts who don’t talk a lot… but we all did just fine together.


9) I wanted to buy some Mylanta and hair color today online – cuz I think those two things go together for some reason – and the first three places I went to had no Mylanta in stock… what’s that about?


10) I am afraid of refried beans. I don’t know why, but it’s true.

FALL the new F-word...

Little factual background:  Jason has suffered with anxiety issues for the last three plus years.  Some days it’s better than others.  He saw a therapist a year or two ago and we found that extremely helpful and he had a very good time in the last 18 months or so.  But as the end of school neared – which meant the end of elementary school and middle school looming in the fall – it’s all started back up again, which we predicted – only this time it’s on steroids. 

We got him back in therapy with the same person he connected with so well last time though he’s fighting it tooth and nail.  And we have an appointment next week with a psychiatrist to look into putting him on some sort of medication at least while this very acute part of his anxiety is raging.

Anyway…

So it’s Friday morning and I’m driving Jason to camp.  This has been touch and go all summer depending on where he is on the anxiety scale.  He’s clawed himself up from the depths of the hole he was in a couple of weeks ago, thankfully and each day he seems a little better.  On this particular day he was back to his normal funny, snarky self.  All was right in the world and he packed his lunch and got his pool bag ready and off we went. 

I was digging for something in my purse at a light and all but threw my purse on his lap when the light turned green and this caused him to inadvertently hit something in his Eden game on his iTouch.  Somehow he hit TNT and blew up the ladders in the pool he’d just painstakingly created.  This started a hilarious conversation about just how much of a national disaster this was. 

Jason: What if President Obama had been in the pool when you made me burn all my bridges down?

Me: uh… I think his upper arm strength would come through for him and he’d still be able to get out.

Jason: no way, because there were assassins there and they would just keep kicking him to keep him in the pool.  Really this could be a national disaster.

Me: uh.. I feel pretty confident that the secret service would put and end to the kicking assassins.

Jason: no, because they would kill the secret service guys

Me: nope.  The secret service would kill the bad guys.

Jason’s plan got bigger and bigger and involved the assassins going back in time and bringing Albert Einstein to current day and having him invent a miniature tank that could be added like a poison to a member of the Secret Service’s food so they would ingest the tank and then it would expand to normal size, killing the agent and providing great protection against the rest of the Secret Service.  I, of course, maintained that if the Secret Service saw Albert Einstein walking around they would kill him as it would be too out of the ordinary and they would know a plot was at hand.

The point is there was much laughing and frivolity going on throughout the drive to camp up to the point where, about 300 yards before the turn into camp, we passed a long row of trees that are turning fall colors already and I said – omg, Jase, look at those poor confused trees, they think it’s already fall.  They already have four different colors going on. 

STOP. THE. HOLY. FUCKING. PRESSES.

I  used the word Fall.  This is a big no no, though I had no idea at the time.  Really I should have been able to anticipate that one – I think of it as a rookie mistake and at this point in time I HATE making rookie mistakes.  But alas…

Jason: Mom, when we get in there please pull into the parking lot and don’t drop me off, I’ve got to talk to you.

Me: (fuck fuck fuck fuck this is never a good sign) ok sweetheart.

Jason: (crying) I can’t do it.  I can’t go.  I’m worried about the bus ride.  Talking about those trees made me think about school and I’m all worried about school and I can’t get it out of my head.

Me: (fuck fuck fuck fuck sticking a fork firmly in my eye) – okay baby, we can do this.  We just need to … blah blah blah….

I got him calmed down enough to go to camp and get on the bus to go swimming.  Phew!

But then….

It’s his second appointment with the therapist and he does not want to go.  He was PISSED at the first meeting.  It made it worse, he doesn’t want to talk to anyone else about his feelings (who would?), we are mean for making him go… But this time he got smarter. 

Jason: Mom, I am afraid of Dr. L. 

Me: afraid?  (he already saw him very successfully and we have several friends whose children have seen the same man over the years very successfully).  Don’t worry, I’ll be right outside.  I know it’s hard, but I know you can do it.

Jason: no, he really creeps me out.  I’m afraid he’s going to hurt me.

Me: (oh Jase, you are a clever one).  He’s not going to hurt you.  He helped you last time.  He helped our friends.  Daddy and I would never take you anywhere unsafe and I’ll be right outside the whole time.

This went on for the entire drive there with him crying constantly.  At some point he realized I was taking him anyway and asked me if I thought he should tell Dr. L that he thought he was creepy.  I told him he certainly could tell him that, he could tell him anything he wanted to, but he didn’t have to share it if he didn’t want to.

The appointment required that I be in the room with him as he could not get himself together without that which was fine of course and Dr. L is very good at what he does and got the crying and incoherent Jason calmed down and willing by the end.  In hindsight it was probably good that the good doctor got to see him like that as it’s not an unusual state for him this summer.

We get in the car afterwards and in about 3 seconds Jason was back to being his normal happy self.  I, on the other hand, was traumatized by the entire experience and wanted a lot of vodka.

I learned that Fall is a very, very bad word and will never be uttered again in.

But then cut to Monday….

Jason’s a little iffy in the morning.  I get his lunch ready to go and he’s ok, but subdued on the drive over.  Until we pass the same fucking trees.

Note to self – go the long way to camp, you idiot!!!  Another rookie mistake.

Jason: MOM!  PULL OVER NOW!

Oh fuck.  I get us pulled over and he’s out and on his hands and knees in a flash where he soon throws up.  Great – I’m so excited.  We were so close to camp again. 

Jason: Wow!  I feel GREAT!!!  Man I so needed to do that.  It was like a ball in the pit of my stomach all morning.  Let’s go.  It’s Olympic week and I don’t want to be late. 

Again, I’m thinking I need more vodka.

Today we went the long way and didn’t see a single non-green leaf.  There were no issues and Jason couldn’t wait to get there again.

No idea what tomorrow will bring.

Normal (sort of) family things...

A little Jase-ism

The beginnings of a text thread between me and my 11 year old.

Me: Hello my little minion, how are you? (I was about to have him do some laundry for me).

Jason: Fine, my big master. (I swear that still makes me laugh!! God I love this kid)

 Just another evening….

Dan’s away and he texts me at 7pm on Sunday night that he’s boarding soon and asks me to find khaki shorts for Jason so they can all go golfing at 8am the next morning. Uh… sure, except I’m not home and this seems just a touch late to make sure he has clothes for the place you’re taking him on Monday morning. (not to mention I’m nearly sure the boy doesn’t have any golf appropriate clothes – he lives in gym shorts). So I get home at about 8:30 and go searching for golf clothes and sure enough no appropriate bottoms – pants or shorts – to be found. Great.

I let my fingers do the walking… er typing… and discover Ta*rget is opened until 10pm – Bless them. At 9:07 Jack and I race out the door, thankful we don’t live in Rawlins where Target wouldn’t be an option… though I guess neither would golf…, get to Target and try on the Large size shorts and they are too tight for Jason so we grab up the extra large, which are going to be too long on him, but whatever. (he’s in the I’m about to grow stage so his middle is a little bigger than normal). And are out of Target inside of 10 minutes.

This morning when he put the shorts on for the first time – I swear they are really Capri pants on the boy. Sigh. I rolled them up a few times and off they went.

 Educational TV

So… Jason and I get back from the store and Tom is watching the movie Dodge ball. I’m pretty sure Jason shouldn’t watch this after about 30 seconds. I don’t care so much about that kind of thing for Tom who’s heading into high school in the fall – but I have him turn it off and he switches it to Avatar and they watch that until it’s time for Jason to go to bed. Dan’s home by this time and puts him to bed. As soon as he’s gone Tom turns Dodge ball back on… whatever, it’s near the end.

We watch the end of the movie and there is a little chemistry between two of the characters and after they win the big prize (sorry if I just ruined the movie for you) the man and woman, Peter and Kate, are sort of flirting with each other in a way that seems pretty clear they are about to finally kiss and head off happily ever after when a new woman, Gwen, emerges from the crowd. Kate is thrilled beyond belief to see Kate and they embrace and passionately kiss… seriously passionately. (this was really fun to watch with my nearly 14 year old son sitting across the way).

Then one of the other men says to Peter “see, I told you she was a lesbian!” And Kate turns around and says “I’m not a lesbian, I’m bisexual!! And proceeds to go over and kiss Peter just as passionately.

Yup – this was a great little educational program to watch with Tom. Who just looked at me and burst out laughing and went up to bed. What he did behind his closed door – I do not want to contemplate.

A couple of pictures - first, all three boys...

Then Jason in action

Friday's Letters Link Up

Let me first just say - that I LOVE LOVE LOVE this!!!  Genius!


Dear Chic-Fil-A oreo shake – Just because it was 103 degrees as I sat and watched my kids at rugby practice, just because rivers of sweat were streaming down my body, just because I was starving is no reason at all to be beckoning me like a siren beckons a sailor who’s been at sea too long.








Dear back – I am truly tired of you causing me problems. I appreciate stress and extra weight are both contributing factors and I have some control over both of them, but seriously – do you really think you are helping me reduce my stress level by causing me to not be able to bend or twist or lift a damn thing and do you think you are helping me lose weight by not allowing me to even walk on a treadmill? If we could just work together I think everything would be a hell of a lot smoother.





Dear zit on the tip of my nose – Seriously!?! I’ve got a nearly 14 year old just down the hall, please go visit him. That is all.





Dear closet – if you could just magically clean and organize yourself, I would really appreciate it. I would even be willing to add pretty decorations to you if you’d like.





Dear nearly 14 year old – if you could be so kind as to check your teenage attitude at the door from time to time, it would be really helpful. Especially to your father who seems to forget what a good kid you are sometimes. I remain very blessed by who you are as a person and thrilled that you are bigger and stronger than I am as you never cease to grow tired of reminding me. It just means that I never have to lift another remotely heavy thing as long as you are within earshot for the rest of my life. So, really, I’m good with that.



Dear 11 ½ year old – While I am thrilled to pieces by the strides you continue to make in getting more comfortable being out of your parent’s presence, it would make me even happier if you’d get even more comfortable there. I’d really like it if the transition to middle school wasn’t going to be the tear filled nightmare I’m envisioning it to be. That said – I am also thrilled with the person you are turning out to be. And the fact that you want to keep up with your brother and carry heavy things for me too – also totally works for me.

How about a little picture of the children from last week on vacation - aren't they cute!!!

My childen.... sigh.

Hi all!!

I've been on vacation and before that I was getting ready for vacation - I'm back now and can get back to real life.

First of all..... Jason.  He didn't want to go to the camp where Tom is a junior counselor again this year so he elected to stay home as we refused to drive him to his preferred camp - thus having to drive to two different places in opposite directions twice a day for two weeks.  Dan is not traveling this week so he's here with Jason.  Today is the first day he was at home instead of school or camp, and this is the conversation he and I had when I got home from work.

Jason: Mom!  I've blown through my old record.
Me: that's great babe.  What record?
J: of watching TV
M: uh... huh?
J (excitedly): yeah, my record was 8 hours.
M: uh... WHAT?
J: yeah!  today I watched 10 hours in a row. (he was very proud)
M: this is not something to be proud of, child!
J: oh, sorry.
M: Can you guess what I'm going to say now?
J: uh, nope.
M: TURN THE FRIKKIN' TV OFF RIGHT NOW!!!!
J: When can I watch TV again?
M: three days.


Then there's Tom.  We were on a sunset dolphin cruise on vacation and the captain let all the kids "drive" the boat from the 2 year olds up to Jason and a couple of girls about his age (11/12).  He ignored Tom which was just fine with Tom as he's too cool for school these days.  After a while the captain called Tommy up to drive.  He'd waited until he wanted to tell us about some stuff thinking Tom would be able to handle it well enough for a while - which he certainly could.  But as Tommy sauntered (really the only word for it) up to the wheel, the captain said to me "Let me guess... 16?"  And I burst out laughing... uh, no.  He wishes he was 16, he's only 13.  He's awfully broad for 13.  Yes, yes he is.

When we got home - after countless alligator sightings, playing with all manner of wild things - alligators, birds, snakes, turtles, etc, watching dolphins play in the wake of the boat, amazing pools, rays flying around him in the gulf, and countless other things... when asked what his favorite thing about vacation was - without a second's hesitation "when Captain Dwight called me 16."

sigh.


A friend of mine and I decided to get a little more serious about weight loss starting today.  I had a pretty good day, it could have been better but it wasn't too bad at all.  I threw my back out a couple of weeks ago and it's still healing so I can't really exercise more than a leisurely walk at the moment, but that will come soon.

BYOC

It’s time for Drazil’s Bring Your Own Crazy!! We answer 5 questions to get to know each other better and to give our blogging brains a break.






1. Are you a daily purse switcher, an often purse buyer or a one purse kind of woman? What factors influence your purse buying?



I don’t change every day at all. I do have a little addiction with cute, very small purses. Day to day I usually have a big purse in which I can pack water bottles and snacks or jackets for practices or games. After a while I’ll get board with whatever I’ve been carrying for a while and I’ll switch to something else. I own a few that I’ve never used that I bought because they were cute and I was in a purse kind of mood – but then I haven’t have had the right set of circumstances come up for me to actually use them.



I always change my purse when I’m going out somewhere special – this is where my cute little purses come into play. I am always always always on the hunt for new cute little purses. Sometimes I’ll buy and outfit because I haven’t yet had the chance to use one of my cute little purses.



I am cheap, though, when it comes to purses. I think I once spent $75 on a purse and I LOVE that purse – but it still really bothers me that I spent that much because normally I would never spend more than $25 or $30 for a purse of any size. I can’t imagine ever in a million years spending hundreds of dollars on a bag I put shit in – but that’s just me. Though if I do it will be on something very small and very cute, never on something bigger I’d use every day.



2. What’s your favorite board game?



I like things like the ungame where you are asking and answering questions about stuff.



3. Are you a sore loser who throws fits or a gracious winner? Are you competitive?



In a few things I’m competitive, but in most things I’m not at all. I am competitive in miniature golf, for instance. I don’t bet on things unless I know I’ll win. So, if I ever say to you, I’ll bet you a buck this or that is true, you can be sure I’m completely confident of the answer.



I think I have a big competitive nature buried deep inside me and if it ever got out it could be a scary thing, so I think I’ll keep it buried for now.



4. Tell us something you are afraid of that is a physical item…like spiders, deep water, heights, snakes, thunderstorms, first dates, childbirth, etc.



Bears and alligators. We’re headed to Florida in a couple of weeks and are planning a day trip to the everglades. My wonderful 11 year old has been regaling me with news stories he’s making up about the fights that keep breaking out where we’re going in Florida between bears and alligators. How usually people aren’t killed. He’s such a loving boy.



5. Repeat question: Summarize your week.



it’s been a fine but busy week. Jason had a concert on Wednesday night – that’s two and a half hours I’ll never get back. Tom had his first playoff baseball game and no one played well at all, but his team won so that was good. Tonight I’m going to a friend’s son’s game so she and I can get drunk in the stands. We’ve got soccer, football, and more playoff baseball this weekend as well as a gala for our county’s domestic violence center that my sister happens to be the chair of the board for. She’s been a big ball of stress for the last few weeks, so I’ll be offering her whatever help she may want on Saturday towards that end. Next week is the last week of school and I’m not sure if that’s good or bad – but it is what it is.