Operation find a new doctor

Hi there... remember me? 

I sort of don't like it so much when people do these kinds of posts... But here I am doing one anyway.  I so need a fill.  OMG.  And for me that means I need a new doctor because my old one is an idiot.  For any number of reasons that's true - but in the fill department - he won't give anything that is less than .5cc and he really prefers at least 1cc.  At this particular moment that might be fine - but the last two times he's given me fills, I've wanted tiny little fills - like .1cc possibly .2 and he's refused and given me 1.5cc the first time and 1cc the second time -  both times I had to have it removed several days later and had the opportunity to suffer through barely being able to swallow my own spit for a week ish.  It was really fun.

Anyway - I've had on my calendar for more than a year that I needed to get a new doctor and I just haven't done it yet.  I'm lazy, I guess.  I'm afraid the new one will be as bad as the current one.  The devil you know....  Who knows what the problem is - but seriously - more than a year!  I've been hitting my "snooze" button on my Outlook Calendar all that damn time.  The "appointment" is now 62 or so weeks late.  Oops. 

But... earlier this week I got Ledo's for the kids and I got a small bacon pizza in addition to the other stuff.  I was absolutely planning on having some.  It's thin crust and I can usually get some down, though we haven't had it in a while.  But really, I figured my older son would be the one eating it.  But no... he had something else.  And I ate the entire pizza.  Every last bit.  I didn't even have any shoulder pain that usually comes with over eating.  Tonight I had my younger son's left over pasta.  I could eat it just as easily as if I didn't have a band.  Then I had a piece of doughy bread with the rest of the sauce.  Um... yup, not the slightest issue.  I can't even say I had to chew particularly slowly.  I mean... I'm all for not having foods completely off limits.  But seriously... I think with a band inside of me I should not be able to eat that much food without the slightest reminder that I have a band.

And yes - OMG do I get that those were my choices to make.  I totally shouldn't have eaten that for a thousand different reasons - it will not get me to my goals.  But I did have this tool implanted inside me and I would like there to be some affect from it.  Maybe I'll never have the appetite suppressant part of it's benefits - but a little reminder that I might want to slow down a bit would be nice. 

So tomorrow begins... Operation find a new doctor.   I have asked some friends to help me remember to get this done... to encourage me to do it sooner vs. later.  Hopefully I'll get it done on my own and if not, I hope their encouragement will get me there.

Oh and guess what???  My husband tells me that my MIL will be coming soon for a month ish - and he's going to be in CA for an entire week of that.  He's going to owe me soooo big.  I'm going to have to think of a really good way for him to pay me back....

BYOC!!! Bring Your Own Crazy!!

BYOC - Bring Your Own Crazy!  5 little questions we answer to give our blogging brains a break and to get to know each other better.  Copy and paste to your own blog and enjoy!1.  If money and time wasn't a problem - name a place you'd go on vacation and for how long?

hmmmm. I’m not sure.. I think if I had the right people with me – anywhere on earth would be a delightful vacation and I’d stay for a long, long while.2.  This week I had a discussion with some friends about names our children or other people we know call the "nether regions".  Don't hate - it's funny.  So let's share them for a laugh.  Any creative words for hoohaa and tallywhacker you think we haven't heard yet?

My friend Farrah calls it her “lady town” and that makes me laugh every single time I hear it.  I do enjoy “va jay jay” as it makes me think back to when it was said on ER way back when.  Hoohaa is always a good one.  I’m pretty sure my 11 year old calls his area “his privates”.  In general – I think for a boy – it should be called his ‘junk’ as that makes me laugh.

3.  Take a picture of your nails right now!  Bossy, aren't I?  I just had my nails done - I can't help it.  I neeeed to show someone!

Oops..  maybe I didn't so much do this one....

4.  Tell me about the weather right now where you are!

It’s 31 degrees and we’re supposed to get a ‘wintery mix’ overnight.  Which just means it’ll be a pain in the ass to drive around tomorrow.

5.  Repeat question.  Summarize your week in real life and blog land.

Blogland is still difficult with posting – but I think the fixes are slowly making their rounds.  Real life continues to be an adventure.  You know the one about the 45 year old who just keeps doing and trying new things… which is fantastic… but is taking all her focus off of losing weight??? Yeah, that one.  Well that would be me.

A little Ricky-ism...

Even from several states away she still entertains me!!!


Dan was on the phone with her today and she had this little gem to share...

"I can not support Ron Paul, cause he would have them coming in our back door"

I for one, don't think she has any idea what she's missing!!!

Finding your peace....

I was emailing with a friend today and I was talking about how there are things in this world that you cannot change – and I think it’s important to find your peace about those things. 

There are so many places in this world where this is true.  When faced with things that are hard – it’s important to find your peace.  Be grateful for what you have and learn to deal with the barriers or obstacles.  It’s sure has shit not always easy.  But I think It’s important.  And I think challenges we face in life make us stronger and teach us important lessons. I think the big stuff.. the really important stuff… it shouldn’t be too easy.  You should have to work at it, you should have to find a way around and through whatever obstacles to your happiness exist and be grateful for the journey along the way.

Is this a weight loss thing too?  Like… do we all have things about ourselves that we cannot change that adversely affect our weight loss efforts?  Can we work to find peace about that – accept that as something we can’t change – and find a work around?  Don’t try to fight it.  Own it and figure out how to work with it.

That wasn’t the context of our email conversation.  We were talking about finding peace with members of your family.  I long ago found peace about the relationship I have with my father.  He’s a nice man, a good man.  He’s not mean, he never abused me, never belittled me, never was cruel.  He was just absent.  I say I was raised by a single mom, though he slept in our house until shortly before I went to college. 

Today if he and I are in the same room we get along great.  Lots of easy fun conversation.  There’s no tension.  We have some shared experiences we can fall back on.  He’s interested in what’s going on in my life now – what’s going on in my kids’ lives.  I know he loves me and I love him – but… we’re just not very involved in each other’s lives.  I probably see him four times a year and he lives maybe 40 minutes from me.  I doubt he knows when my birthday is.  I used to make sure I called him on his birthday but it’s not that important to me anymore.  I mean, I try, but sometimes I forget and that’s okay too.  But the thing is, I’m really grateful he’s In my life.  It’s sort of like we’re very good old business colleagues.  I don’t hesitate to call him if I have a legal question that needs some review or research and he jumps on it immediately and he doesn’t hesitate to call me if he has a tax or accounting question and I find him an answer right away.  But beyond that… eh.

This had come up because a friend had had a conversation with his dad.  And his dad is a bastard. He’s been mean and cruel to him for his entire life.  And now in his dad’s later years he all but supports him.  Making sure his bills are paid, making sure he has what he needs and what he gets in return is more verbal abuse; which hurts him.  He doesn’t really talk about it.  He doesn’t really say much about it at all, but it’s clear that it does.  And it hurts me to watch a good man be torn down by an ungrateful bastard.  I truly hope that he’s able to find his peace with his dad.  To be able to find a way in which he can exist – can live with himself and the choices he makes and be able to take some steps away from his father. Maybe those steps will just be symbolic – a way to be able to insulate himself from the hurt and abuse.  But maybe those steps will be actual; learning to be okay with doing less for him.

This is not unlike what Dan did with his family a bunch of years ago.  They used to be able to push his buttons like no one’s business.  And he could easily get sucked into their negativity and it made him miserable way down here in MD, several states away from his family.  But over time he learned to have better boundaries around his family.  They haven’t changed at all, but how Dan interacts with them has.  What he’s willing to listen to has changed.  What’s he’s willing to deal with has changed.  He still does all the things a son should do, but it’s at a significantly reduced cost to him personally.  My hope for my friend is that’s he’s able to find the same kinds of boundaries with his father that let him do what he feels is right for his care, while finding a way not to be mired in the negativity, not to have it weigh him down.

My wish for all of you is to be able to find your peace with your toughest issue this year!!

BYOC!!! Bring Your Own Crazy!!

Drazil’s BYOC is back after a small holiday hiatus.


Yup, Bring Your Own Crazy returns! It is 5 little questions you can answer in your own blog to give your blogging brain a break and to get to know each other better.

Copy, paste and enjoy!

Let’s do a holiday/new year themed BYOC today!
1. How do you feel about NY resolutions? Do you make them? Do you forget about them quickly? Do they help you?

I made some New Year’s goals in 2011 for the first time ever and I did really like the idea of goals and not resolutions… sort of feels more like a direction than a hard and firm (hehe she said hard and firm) stake in the ground.

I don’t think they help me, but I still might come up with some loose thoughts on this topic…

2. Did you put up a Christmas tree? How many? Is it still up?

um…. Well… I’m a bit of a freak in this area.  We have a big Christmas Party the first Saturday of every December and well… we sort of go to town with the decorations including trees.  So… there’s the tree that Santa comes to and it was the only live one inside the house and it was huge this year – ten feet tall and really big around.  We took it down last weekend because it was much, much less big around.  More like sad and droopy and we were very afraid it was going to spontaneously combust.  But… the tree in the kitchen where we keep all the ornaments the kids have made over the years and all of the crazy kid like ornaments that Brad has like the one of a phone booth that has Superman changing into Clark Kent, and various and sundry Star Trek ships and things of that nature is still up.  As is the tree in the front room that whose lights are easily visible from the street, and the little one at the end of the hall is still there, and the one above the front door is too.  And outside there are two little ones on the front porch and the big blue spruce sill have lights wrapped around it.  (As of January 1^st, all the lights are, however, no longer being turned on.)
3. How many total Christmases did you choose to have to attend outside of your home?

Just one – at my mom’s and I was just fine.
4. What are you most looking forward to this year?

Continuing to march forward into the future.  With hopes high and family and good friends near me.  I think it’s going to be a brilliant year!!!
5. Repeat question: Summarize your week in real life and in blogland this week.

Real life… that’s been very busy and exciting.  All kinds of new things are going on – fun is being had.  Hope continues to spring eternal.

Blog land… people seem to be getting back into the swing of things which is always nice to see.

Deep thoughts....

So, I'm texting with a friend of mine who has had this lovely and adventurous life... she was in the peace corps, she's a teacher who has just earned her doctorate.  She's traveled all over the world... she's talking about possibly going to Africa over the summer to help set up a school... All stuff I'm in awe of.  But anyway - I'm texting with her and she writes 

"foreign grass roots travel... I feel like it gives my soul definition..."


And I was like... whoa (which took me three times to even spell correctly - LOL)


Then she went on to talk about other deep thoughts she's been having...  

What is meaningful?  

What will define my life?

Is potential limitless? 

How will I know if potential has been realized?

I came back with how I think about and am working towards being the best most authentic me - but that's all I've got... I'm not sure I am all that interested in making sure I meet my full potential - I'm interested in being true to who I am at my core.  To not hiding anymore.  To being the me I was born to be - not in actions per se, but in just 'being'.  Maybe it's the same thing - just looked at from a slightly different angle - it's something to which I'm definitely going to give some thought.


Anyway - we were also talking about how not everyone out there in the world with whom we interact has these deep thoughts or at least spend any time working them out... What about you guys?  Anyone have any answers to the questions she posed?  Do you leave your deep thinking to wild drug induced hazes?  Or is it a normal occurrence for you?


I definitely think it's important to understand what gives your soul definition and man, I am really stumped on that one at the moment.  I think I need to spend some serious time on that one and see if I can't figure something out.


As for the other questions....


What is meaningful?... uh.  I guess lots of things?  sunrises and sunsets.  big amazing storms.  a child's laughter.  the warmth of an old friend.  the delight of a new one.  learning things.  being challenged.  moving forward.  pushing beyond your comfort zone.  a warm embrace.  love.  peace.  health.  joy.  the ocean.  warmth.  safety.

What will define my life?

I expect not to know the answer to this one.  I think this is for the, hopefully, generous people I will leave behind when I go.  I hope it includes laughter and loyalty and love (I'm into L's tonight).

 

Is potential limitless? 

Yes.  My answer is a definite yes to this one.  I think with determination and intensity and an open heart and mind anything can be accomplished.

How will I know if potential has been realized?

You won't.  I think only the universe or God or Buddha or who or whatever it is you believe in can truly know the answer to that.

Okay - those are my deep thoughts for the day - you can now return to your regularly scheduled normal thoughts - though I'd love to know your deep thoughts!!

Happy New Year! 2012 is going to be good!!

I’m not really big into resolutions but I have such a good feeling about 2012.  I feel good about so many things…. So hopeful.  I feel like I’m facing forward and heading in the right direction.  Who knows what’s going to happen, but I definitely feel like it's going to be a good thing - well.. lots of good things, really!!

On the health front, to start the year off well, I did day 1 of week 1 of couch to 5k yesterday and felt great doing it.  Today my thighs are a little annoyed with me, but eh?  You can’t have everything, can you?  My plan is to do Cto5k on Monday, Wednesday, and Saturdays and just walk on the treadmill a day or two beyond that – but if I only get in the 3 days, I’m going to be happy with that right now as my real goal is just to get back in the habit of moving regularly. 

I have a plan of what I’m going to eat today and I’m feeling positive on all fronts. 

I hope you all had a lovely holiday season and I’m sorry I’ve been mostly absent for a while – that’s another thing I’m planning on changing in 2012.  I need you guys!!!

Happy New Year!