What the hell was that???

Okay so you’ve all told me before about the frightening, thick, icky slime that our bodies produce.  In all honesty, I thought you were exaggerating.  Or maybe taking a little creative license to make a post more entertaining.  Yeah…. Not so much.

I had left over shrimp for lunch today.  I put it on a small plate.  I warmed it up.  I heard in my head Linda’s comments from the other night about being surprised I could eat shrimp as she knew lots of others had problems with it.  I prepared a perfect bandster sized portion and I ate it in a perfect banster kind of way.  And the second I started to feel… um… full?  No that’s not it, pressure?  Yes, pressure – like Velma (that’s the band) down there yelling… “Okay, I think we’re about done down here.” I stopped eating.  I cleaned up, put stuff away.  All was good…. Except… Velma was getting more increasingly more insistent that she’d had enough.  I was contorting my body in all kinds of ways;  I tried the downward facing dog as I read on someone’s blog yesterday, I stretched way back.  I was very thankful I was home alone.  I tried to convince her that I stopped eating just as soon as she asked me to.  I marveled at the amount of saliva one person can produce in such a short amount of time.

I kept wondering around my house doing things (I had an unexpected day off and was doing my best to make it productive).  I was completely sure the pain was going to go away any minute.  There was finally enough saliva that when I was near a sink I thought to spit some out.  The second I did that, I thought.. ut oh… what the hell?  I am not going to get sick damn it!  I kept wandering around, gyrating my body in ways any pole dancer would be proud of until I was back in the kitchen and decided to spit again.  (Can I just tell you, I despise spitting.  Of any kind, for any reason – it’s my flat out biggest pet peeve and I never, ever do it – it completely and utterly grosses me out – so I’m feeling really proud that I both did it and am now telling people about it – good God what the hell has happened to me.)  Anyway.. just to get more gross… on the way to the sink I PB – just a little and think – eh… okay that was gross, but I can live with that.

Then I get to the sink and I guess Velma realized she had a safe surface on which to dump her unwanted stuff and dump stuff she did.  Totally and completely unexpectedly.  Holy shit.. What the heck was that?  And where did it come from?  There’s no way my body actually produces that thick, clearly alive with a mind of its own slime.  Not my body.

I, Read, do solemnly swear to hereby listen more carefully to everything you guys are telling me... Thanks for all the information, I swear I mean it!