Gilda, phlegm and the porcelain gods

I’ve got to tell you this sucks.  I’ve got a cold.  It’s just a cold people, but I swear it’s gonna kill me.  I’ve had it for more than a week and I’m getting seriously tired of it.  It’s just sitting there in my chest making all kinds of racket in my body.  If I’m not coughing up a lung I’m setting new snot producing records.  What the hell?  Okay, I get it, I’ve got a cold.  I should take it easy and have more vitamin C and whatnot – I’ve got, I swear I do.

And now I have my period – whine, whine, whine and so while this month I’m not in the bone crushing, mind melting, soul stripping pain that often accompanies my friend TOM (can I just say I never thought of calling it Aunt Flo or anything else like that, but on someone’s blog I saw the acronym TOM and from that point forward I had a new friend (Okay, really I hate him, but you get the idea))  (is it bad to like parenthesis and exclamation points as much as I do? Or dashes?)  So anyway – Tom’s visiting and while I’m not doubled over praying for the world to suck me into it’s (I’m really struggling with the word its here – it’s usually means it is, whereas its is an inanimate object – but in this case it’s is referring to the depths that belong to the world - it’s possessive; is there an apostrophe or not and where in the hell should it go? It’s… its’???) depths I am the absolute Queen and Supreme Leader of Spacey-ness.  OMG – I can’t think in a straight line to save my holy friggin’ life.

And Gilda?  What did I name my band?  I need to go back and figure that out – but whatever her godforsaken name is I’m alternately tight and loose like no one’s business.  Usually around this time of the month I can’t swallow my own spit (I’ve stolen that phrase from my friend Camille who has a band too and it’s not really true, but totally funny to me) but this time sometimes there doesn’t seem to be any change at all, and then I eat a tiny little cheese stick.  The same kind I had yesterday and the day before without so much as a blip and 3 minutes later I’m praying to the porcelain gods, which I had more than my fair share of in my younger days (not to mention during both my pregnancies…. Only lasts for the first trimester my ass….) and truly don’t need any more).

AND to top it off I forgot my phone today!  And on my phone is where my Christmas list is and I can’t call Brad to read it to me cuz there are things on the list for him too – whine, whine, whine.

Okay my rambling rant is over.  I hope everyone is having a lovely day – I swear I do – really I’ll just sit here all annoyed at my chest, and nose, and phlegm (the absolute best hangman word ever!), and head, and ovaries and that bitch Gilda (who I wouldn’t trade for anything) while hopefully you are all peacefully enjoying a calm and relaxing day with your feet up and small blue birds singing quietly to you. – See I told you I can’t think in a straight line today.