My Trek Downward

BYOC!!! Bring Your Own Crazy!!

2012-01-20T10:37:00.000-08:00

BYOC - Bring Your Own Crazy! 5 little questions we answer to give our blogging brains a break and to get to know each other better. Copy and paste to your own blog and enjoy!1. If money and time wasn't a problem - name a place you'd go on vacation and for how long?

hmmmm. I’m not sure.. I think if I had the right people with me – anywhere on earth would be a delightful vacation and I’d stay for a long, long while.2. This week I had a discussion with some friends about names our children or other people we know call the "nether regions". Don't hate - it's funny. So let's share them for a laugh. Any creative words for hoohaa and tallywhacker you think we haven't heard yet?

My friend Camille calls it her “lady town” and that makes me laugh every single time I hear it. I do enjoy “va jay jay” as it makes me think back to when it was said on ER way back when. Hoohaa is always a good one. I’m pretty sure my 11 year old calls his area “his privates”. In general – I think for a boy – it should be called his ‘junk’ as that makes me laugh.

3. Take a picture of your nails right now! Bossy, aren't I? I just had my nails done - I can't help it. I neeeed to show someone!

Oops.. maybe I didn't so much do this one....

4. Tell me about the weather right now where you are!

It’s 31 degrees and we’re supposed to get a ‘wintery mix’ overnight. Which just means it’ll be a pain in the ass to drive around tomorrow.

5. Repeat question. Summarize your week in real life and blog land.

Blogland is still difficult with posting – but I think the fixes are slowly making their rounds. Real life continues to be an adventure. You know the one about the 45 year old who just keeps doing and trying new things… which is fantastic… but is taking all her focus off of losing weight??? Yeah, that one. Well that would be me.

A little Ricky-ism...

2012-01-16T17:42:00.000-08:00

Even from several states away she still entertains me!!!

Dan was on the phone with her today and she had this little gem to share...

"I can not support Ron Paul, cause he would have them coming in our back door"

I for one, don't think she has any idea what she's missing!!!

Finding your peace....

2012-01-13T04:06:00.001-08:00

I was emailing with a friend today and I was talking about how there are things in this world that you cannot change – and I think it’s important to find your peace about those things.

There are so many places in this world where this is true. When faced with things that are hard – it’s important to find your peace. Be grateful for what you have and learn to deal with the barriers or obstacles. It’s sure has shit not always easy. But I think It’s important. And I think challenges we face in life make us stronger and teach us important lessons. I think the big stuff.. the really important stuff… it shouldn’t be too easy. You should have to work at it, you should have to find a way around and through whatever obstacles to your happiness exist and be grateful for the journey along the way.

Is this a weight loss thing too? Like… do we all have things about ourselves that we cannot change that adversely affect our weight loss efforts? Can we work to find peace about that – accept that as something we can’t change – and find a work around? Don’t try to fight it. Own it and figure out how to work with it.

That wasn’t the context of our email conversation. We were talking about finding peace with members of your family. I long ago found peace about the relationship I have with my father. He’s a nice man, a good man. He’s not mean, he never abused me, never belittled me, never was cruel. He was just absent. I say I was raised by a single mom, though he slept in our house until shortly before I went to college.

Today if he and I are in the same room we get along great. Lots of easy fun conversation. There’s no tension. We have some shared experiences we can fall back on. He’s interested in what’s going on in my life now – what’s going on in my kids’ lives. I know he loves me and I love him – but… we’re just not very involved in each other’s lives. I probably see him four times a year and he lives maybe 40 minutes from me. I doubt he knows when my birthday is. I used to make sure I called him on his birthday but it’s not that important to me anymore. I mean, I try, but sometimes I forget and that’s okay too. But the thing is, I’m really grateful he’s In my life. It’s sort of like we’re very good old business colleagues. I don’t hesitate to call him if I have a legal question that needs some review or research and he jumps on it immediately and he doesn’t hesitate to call me if he has a tax or accounting question and I find him an answer right away. But beyond that… eh.

This had come up because a friend had had a conversation with his dad. And his dad is a bastard. He’s been mean and cruel to him for his entire life. And now in his dad’s later years he all but supports him. Making sure his bills are paid, making sure he has what he needs and what he gets in return is more verbal abuse; which hurts him. He doesn’t really talk about it. He doesn’t really say much about it at all, but it’s clear that it does. And it hurts me to watch a good man be torn down by an ungrateful bastard. I truly hope that he’s able to find his peace with his dad. To be able to find a way in which he can exist – can live with himself and the choices he makes and be able to take some steps away from his father. Maybe those steps will just be symbolic – a way to be able to insulate himself from the hurt and abuse. But maybe those steps will be actual; learning to be okay with doing less for him.

This is not unlike what Dan did with his family a bunch of years ago. They used to be able to push his buttons like no one’s business. And he could easily get sucked into their negativity and it made him miserable way down here in MD, several states away from his family. But over time he learned to have better boundaries around his family. They haven’t changed at all, but how Dan interacts with them has. What he’s willing to listen to has changed. What’s he’s willing to deal with has changed. He still does all the things a son should do, but it’s at a significantly reduced cost to him personally. My hope for my friend is that’s he’s able to find the same kinds of boundaries with his father that let him do what he feels is right for his care, while finding a way not to be mired in the negativity, not to have it weigh him down.

My wish for all of you is to be able to find your peace with your toughest issue this year!!

BYOC!!! Bring Your Own Crazy!!

2012-01-06T10:21:00.001-08:00

Drazil’s BYOC is back after a small holiday hiatus.

Yup, Bring Your Own Crazy returns! It is 5 little questions you can answer in your own blog to give your blogging brain a break and to get to know each other better.

Copy, paste and enjoy!

Let’s do a holiday/new year themed BYOC today!
1. How do you feel about NY resolutions? Do you make them? Do you forget about them quickly? Do they help you?

I made some New Year’s goals in 2011 for the first time ever and I did really like the idea of goals and not resolutions… sort of feels more like a direction than a hard and firm (hehe she said hard and firm) stake in the ground.

I don’t think they help me, but I still might come up with some loose thoughts on this topic…

2. Did you put up a Christmas tree? How many? Is it still up?

um…. Well… I’m a bit of a freak in this area. We have a big Christmas Party the first Saturday of every December and well… we sort of go to town with the decorations including trees. So… there’s the tree that Santa comes to and it was the only live one inside the house and it was huge this year – ten feet tall and really big around. We took it down last weekend because it was much, much less big around. More like sad and droopy and we were very afraid it was going to spontaneously combust. But… the tree in the kitchen where we keep all the ornaments the kids have made over the years and all of the crazy kid like ornaments that Brad has like the one of a phone booth that has Superman changing into Clark Kent, and various and sundry Star Trek ships and things of that nature is still up. As is the tree in the front room that whose lights are easily visible from the street, and the little one at the end of the hall is still there, and the one above the front door is too. And outside there are two little ones on the front porch and the big blue spruce sill have lights wrapped around it. (As of January 1^st, all the lights are, however, no longer being turned on.)
3. How many total Christmases did you choose to have to attend outside of your home?

Just one – at my mom’s and I was just fine.
4. What are you most looking forward to this year?

Continuing to march forward into the future. With hopes high and family and good friends near me. I think it’s going to be a brilliant year!!!
5. Repeat question: Summarize your week in real life and in blogland this week.

Real life… that’s been very busy and exciting. All kinds of new things are going on – fun is being had. Hope continues to spring eternal.

Blog land… people seem to be getting back into the swing of things which is always nice to see.

Deep thoughts....

2012-01-03T18:27:00.000-08:00

So, I'm texting with a friend of mine who has had this lovely and adventurous life... she was in the peace corps, she's a teacher who has just earned her doctorate. She's traveled all over the world... she's talking about possibly going to Africa over the summer to help set up a school... All stuff I'm in awe of. But anyway - I'm texting with her and she writes

"foreign grass roots travel... I feel like it gives my soul definition..."

And I was like... whoa (which took me three times to even spell correctly - LOL)

Then she went on to talk about other deep thoughts she's been having...

What is meaningful?

What will define my life?

Is potential limitless?

How will I know if potential has been realized?

I came back with how I think about and am working towards being the best most authentic me - but that's all I've got... I'm not sure I am all that interested in making sure I meet my full potential - I'm interested in being true to who I am at my core. To not hiding anymore. To being the me I was born to be - not in actions per se, but in just 'being'. Maybe it's the same thing - just looked at from a slightly different angle - it's something to which I'm definitely going to give some thought.

Anyway - we were also talking about how not everyone out there in the world with whom we interact has these deep thoughts or at least spend any time working them out... What about you guys? Anyone have any answers to the questions she posed? Do you leave your deep thinking to wild drug induced hazes? Or is it a normal occurrence for you?

I definitely think it's important to understand what gives your soul definition and man, I am really stumped on that one at the moment. I think I need to spend some serious time on that one and see if I can't figure something out.

As for the other questions....

What is meaningful?... uh. I guess lots of things? sunrises and sunsets. big amazing storms. a child's laughter. the warmth of an old friend. the delight of a new one. learning things. being challenged. moving forward. pushing beyond your comfort zone. a warm embrace. love. peace. health. joy. the ocean. warmth. safety.

What will define my life?

I expect not to know the answer to this one. I think this is for the, hopefully, generous people I will leave behind when I go. I hope it includes laughter and loyalty and love (I'm into L's tonight).

Is potential limitless?

Yes. My answer is a definite yes to this one. I think with determination and intensity and an open heart and mind anything can be accomplished.

How will I know if potential has been realized?

You won't. I think only the universe or God or Buddha or who or whatever it is you believe in can truly know the answer to that.

Okay - those are my deep thoughts for the day - you can now return to your regularly scheduled normal thoughts - though I'd love to know your deep thoughts!!

Happy New Year! 2012 is going to be good!!

2012-01-03T09:15:00.000-08:00

I’m not really big into resolutions but I have such a good feeling about 2012. I feel good about so many things…. So hopeful. I feel like I’m facing forward and heading in the right direction. Who knows what’s going to happen, but I definitely feel like it's going to be a good thing - well.. lots of good things, really!!

On the health front, to start the year off well, I did day 1 of week 1 of couch to 5k yesterday and felt great doing it. Today my thighs are a little annoyed with me, but eh? You can’t have everything, can you? My plan is to do Cto5k on Monday, Wednesday, and Saturdays and just walk on the treadmill a day or two beyond that – but if I only get in the 3 days, I’m going to be happy with that right now as my real goal is just to get back in the habit of moving regularly.

I have a plan of what I’m going to eat today and I’m feeling positive on all fronts.

I hope you all had a lovely holiday season and I’m sorry I’ve been mostly absent for a while – that’s another thing I’m planning on changing in 2012. I need you guys!!!

Happy New Year!

I need some help...

2011-12-25T21:24:00.000-08:00

I need a bit of help...

There's this great youtube video of a guy who ran his way to losing weight. I've seen it a bunch of times and can't find it right now. It's lots of videos of him at varying weights with words in front of the videos - like "and then I ran a mile".... or "and then I ran a marathon". It's maybe 3 minutes long and extraordinarily inspiring! With this tiny little description - do any of you know what I'm talking about and what the link might be?? I want to share it with a friend of mine and of course I can't find it now!

Thanks so much and Merry Christmas to you all!!!

Oh how I worry about that boy...

2011-12-10T20:06:00.000-08:00

Just to refresh your memories... Tommy is 13. He's taller than me, which admittedly is not saying much, his voice is lower than my husband's and that is seriously saying something, he's hairy as shit and this still freaks me the fuck out, he wears shoes bigger than my husband. He's a big strong boy. He's very bright in the book smarts kind of way and dumb as a rock in the common sense kind of way. We love him, but (shaking head)... sometimes I just don't know what to do with him.

So... let's see, I guess it was about two weeks or so ago that Tommy notified me that the shampoo that he and his father both use had run out. (both boys insist on using our shower so it's full of all manner of hair care products). Okay dear, I'll get some more next time I go to the store - perhaps next time you might want to alert me it's getting low before it's actually run out.... Yes mom.

Well in the intervening time we had a big Christmas party and seriously I could not have cared less if Tom had his particular brand of shampoo as I was preparing for a shit ton of people to come into my house. So fast forward to last night and Tom is taking his nightly shower. He storms out to me, half dressed.

Tom: MOM! (with great reserve) Will. You. Please. Take. Me. To. The. Store. So. I. Can. Buy. Some. Shampoo.

(I'm sort of impressed he's changed his tune a bit to now want to participate in the shopping trip vs. assuming I'll take care of it for him.)

Me: Sure, honey. I'm sorry I haven't gotten it yet, I just haven't been to the store (since the party). It's on the list, I promise I'll get it the next time I go.

Tom: (completely put upon) Fine. Whatever.

Me: (trying not to laugh) Baby, just use something else, it'll be fine for a few more days.

Tom: THERE'S NOTHING ELSE TO USE!

Me: um... Babe? what have you been using all this time (in your nightly fucking showers???)

Tom: THERE'S NO OTHER SHAMPOO IN THERE!!

Me: uh... Babe? Have you not washed your hair in all this time???

Tom: THERE'S NO SHAMPOO IN THERE!! (as if I didn't hear him the first time.)

Me: uh... Babe? What do you think I do with my hair every morning?

Tom: (deer in headlight look)

Me: Oh my God child. You have to wash your hair every time. Let's go look so I can show you all the other fucking shampoo in the fucking shower. What do you think your dad does? Do you think hasn't washed his hair in the last two weeks?? And seriously - do you think I haven't washed my hair??? What about your brother??? Oh my God!

We make it into the shower and the first thing I point out is the Johnson's Baby Shampoo - which Tommy used to wash his hair for his whole life except the last few years.

Me: uh... Babe? You had to know this was shampoo as you used it your whole life until recently!!!!

Tom: I thought that was body wash.

Me: OMG Child - seriously - you could use body wash too - the goal is to get soap of some sort on your hair so it becomes clean. But baby let's look, shall we.... this is shampoo... this is shampoo.... this is shampoo.... You can tell because it actually has the word SHAMPOO on the bottle... (FUCK!!!) Let's open this closet here, shall we.... Oh look here's a whole big huge bottle of your favorite shampoo - right here, front and center. (Fuckity fuck fuck fuck)

Tom: Oh.. hmmm, that'll work.

OMG - He has my hair - only it's light brown, so it's usually puffy and curly and I LOVE it long. But if it gets too long some of the curl comes out of it and it looks a little stringy and straight - I was totally thinking he needed a haircut because his hair was looking a little longer and straighter than normal.... Uh... Guess what?? The next morning his hair was all puffy and curly again.

Man do I worry about that child.....

Emotions and chaos... (I think I need more in my life)

2011-12-08T09:54:00.000-08:00

So... let's talk about the husband, Dan shall we? I haven't talked about him in a while. We've been getting along really well of late; touching, kissing, talking, cuddling. And then it's time for therapy again...

Each week on Tuesday's I'm all kinds of stressed all day long because so often I end up feeling kicked in the stomach.

And guess what... I got kicked again. He can't ask me for help because I'm not empathetic. Of course the fact that I can't ask him for help because he keeps telling me to go away (figuratively not literally) is, I'm sure, my fault as well.

She had reviewed the assessments we filled out a while ago and was commenting on how we're very similar in our inability to ask for help - that the lessons from our childhoods taught us it was not safe to ask for help and we both adapted extremely well to that. (this is why I'm sure we were initially a match made in heaven initially).

Oh and I found it fascinating that she said my answers, came from a far more emotional space than his did. I did not spit my water all over the room and think I deserve a prize for that.

But - we were talking about how he's really stressed about his upcoming hernia surgery and she started modeling how to ask for help and modeling for me on how to respond to him appropriately. So ultimately he said something and every single thing that popped into my head to say - I was completely sure he wouldn't like. So I told her I had no idea what to say - so she took over and OMG - I had no idea what the hell she was saying. She was basically just going through the .... repeat back to someone what they say, but in your own words. Which Brad responded to really well. So - it wasn't so much asking for help as it was... wanting to talk about something that was hard and I can certainly do that.

But then he used how I reacted about his neck surgery five years ago as a “perfect example of how un-empathetic I am” His only memory of that time is how I kept pressuring him to not delay the surgery any longer so it wouldn’t screw up my birthday party. Okay – I have no idea what he’s talking about, but let’s go with it, shall we… I am a tasky girl I can easily see myself worrying about the schedule.

Ultimately we have this exchange about this topic;
Me: tell me how this is the perfect example of something bad about me.
Dan: you were so concerned about your party that you didn’t care that I was scared to death.
M: From my vantage point you were reacting to that upcoming procedure the same exact way you reacted to anything medical done – the sky is falling.
D: I am a hypochondriac (smiling)
M: ya think? But, how was I supposed to know that this time was different for you?
D: (angry) How could you not know? It was a big deal.
M: It’s not how I reacted to my back surgery.
D: BUT I’M NOT YOU!!! (still angry)
M: and I’m not you and I can’t read your mind. Can you allow for the possibility that I saw you reacting the same way you react to everything else medical and went with that?
D: BUT YOU DID FIGURE IT OUT. (as if this proved his point) You figured out I was really freaking out and you got the surgeon to tell me how serious it was in a way I would hear so I’d get the surgery and stop looking for crazy alternatives around the country.
M: okay, so I did figure it out. I did pay enough attention to determine that this was different for you?
D: yes
M: but you still only look at this as a perfect example of how un-empathetic I am? Can we look at it another way? How many times have I ever wanted a party for myself in the 20 years we’ve known each other?
D: (quietly) once
M: how many times do I turn 40 in my life?
D: once
M: is it possible that having the party was important to me and that your attendance at the party was important to me.
D: (angry again) BUT I WAS ALMOST FULLY RECOVERED BY THE PARTY
M: is it possible that’s because I made sure it was scheduled early enough to make sure that happened?
M: is it possible that I could have interpreted your not wanting a medical procedure – delaying it for months and months – which is your normal go to reaction to any medical procedure big or small, was not being supportive of something I had indicated was important to me – something I have never ever once asked for before or since?
D: yes, it’s possible.
M: Do you know what I remember about my back surgery? The only thing I remember.
D: that I fucked something up
M: that when I was scared and telling you that if I died to make sure the kids know me – make sure they spend plenty of time with my sister (who’s like me) and I told you I loved you that you didn’t say it back. That you didn’t tell me you loved me when I needed to hear it most. That’s my only memory
D: That’s a crappy memory to have to have
M: it is, but I don’t hold it against you. I’m not angry about it.

Of course I was crying by this point and I’m skipping lots of drama that existed in and out and around this conversation and really I’m condensing a few conversations into that one. There was also yelling and storming in and out and more crying and harshness and all manner of unpleasantness – can we see why I hate Tuesday’s???

We went on to talk about how non supportive he is to me and I gave him examples – like my back surgery – it’s not that he didn’t love me, we tell each other we love each other a bunch of times every day. He just didn’t tell me at that moment when I really needed to hear it because he was focused on other things; his fear, the schedule – how long would surgery take, who had the kids, his fear, where would he be, when could he see me again, who was going to come talk to him and probably most of all his fear. He wasn’t focused on me. On how scared I was, on what I needed while I was scared. There were other examples and he heard them and when all was said and done

I do that kind of thing well I think and I think he’d agree with that. What I don’t have are the flowery words or style that highlights my doing it.

Sigh

When all was said and done it turned out well. I think we moved forward not backwards. We’re still feeling close and connected to each other – and I suspect each time we have one of these awful interactions it teaches him (and me too) that big emotions and chaos or whatever does not mean the end of the world – it just means big emotions and chaos.

BYOC - does anyone care that I'm doing it on Monday and not Friday???

2011-12-05T14:33:00.000-08:00

It’s Friday so it’s time for Draz's BYOC – Bring Your Own Crazy! We answer a few questions in order to get to know each other better and to give our blogging brains a break! Copy to your own blog if you wish and ENJOY!

Let’s do a little themed version of where you live and why!
1. Describe the structure you live in. (apartment, condo, house, mansion, cardboard box?)

I live in a very suburban 4 bedroom home. Here it is all lit up for Christmas.

I love you all and hope you're all well!!!

2. Describe the city you live in. (population, main attractions)

I live in a Suburb between Baltimore and DC – it’s closer to Baltimore. It’s got an extremely cute and quaint downtown that people flock to for its cute stone fronted shops, antique stores, and lovely little restaurants. It’s also got really good schools so people flock to the area for that reason alone. We’re very lucky to live here. I just had to google our population as I didn't have a frikkin clue - it's 56,397 - and once a quater when Ricky is here for a month it's 56,397 and a half.
3. Why do you live in the town you live in? (job, to get away from a different town, family, schools?)

I’m a bay sticker – meaning I can’t live too far from the Chesapeake bay or I start to get hives. Though I do now live in a land locked county and I’m still struggling with that decision. We moved here because of the schools and to our house specifically because it’s as close to my job as possible while staying in the county we live in.
4. What’s the view like from your backyard?

Lots of trees. We back up to a state park and the trees hang over our deck – often giving the squirrels or occasional snake an easy entrance ramp to come visit. Every so often we have to trim back a branch here and there to make it a little less easy for our visitors. Though Bandit does love to sit by the window and wait for the squirrels to come and try to eat the bird food.
5. Repeat question: How has your week been in blogland and in real life?

This was a really, really good week for me. (a little extended as I’m doing this on Monday instead of Friday). We had our annual Christmas party this weekend and it was probably the best one we've ever had. There was just a really fun vibe all throughout the whole night. Blogland??? hmmm - well I pretty much suck - I pretty much haven't been here at all. In my defense I had 80 people to my house on Saturday who were all well fed and happy so hopefully that gives me a bit of a pass for the week!!

More amusement from my husband's classy family...

2011-11-29T05:28:00.000-08:00

My husband's monther is a bit insane as you all well know. She requires a lot of work and attention - I think of it as constant entertainment. Though she can make a fair amount of decisions herself, if left to her own devices she would forget to take her medicine and try to do too much resulting in injury, or just get lost - of course all of these things happen anyway - but we all do what we can do. My husband has two sisters and luckily for everyone one of them, D, who is a nurse has been willing to let Ricky live with her for a number of years; in a little MIL house thing on her property. My husband and I couldn't be more thrilled by this because that leaves her up in NY most of the time, but to take the pressure off of D we bring her down here for roughly a month at a time every quarter-ish. The other sister, B, is the baby of the family and is very typically the baby. Actually she and Ricky are very much cut from the same cloth as the world revolves exclusively around each of them and only them. Both totally harmless, but those traits are much more tolerable in a 68 year old woman than a 38 year old one. So under duress B helps out too, but it's usually when she needs a babysitter (God help her children) or has received enough pressure to take Ricky to a doctor's appointment because D just can't fit this one in her schedule too. And through it all she complains bitterly about how she is tired and has too much to do and whatever and my husband and D both roll their eyes at her - I suspect D gets into it with her from time to time, but my husband hasn't even once probably since he graduated from college. He, however, doesn't take any of her drama, which I'm confident B doesn't like. Anyway... this is the history of my husband's family and yesterday he got this email from B's husband. It's just so classy I had to share!!!

Dear (Read's husband),

I emailed you because I don't know your phone number off hand and I don't want my wife to know that I'm doing it.

Over the years, I have kept my mouth shut when you have had "discussions" with B. It was not easy to do so. She is your sister and I tried to mostly stay out of it. However, I'm done with that now. I have kept my mouth shut many times while you have belittled her, insulted her, patronized her, and talked to her in a generally nasty way. I know she may be a pain sometimes, but I'm tired of her being upset by you and your sister D.

I could give a shit if you don't like me or not or whether I get invited to you or D's little silly get-togethers but my wife is very sensitive about these things. One of the reasons I never go is because of the way you and D treat her. If you were anyone else, let me be clear about this, if you were anyone else and you talked to my wife the way that you do, I would have kicked your ass a long time ago. I am so tired of the mounds of guilt that you and D throw B's way constantly about your mother. I'm sorry that your Mom is not doing well. Let me tell you something though, my mother is actually in much worse health and in much worse shape--but that's not B's responsibility nor her or my first responsibility. Our first responsibility is to our children and our family.

B goes out of her way to try and help and be with her mother because she loves her. I am so tired of the awful things that you and D say to her about what she doesn't do. Her mom lives an hour from us. She gets up to see her on average of about once a week. That's quite a bit. That's also time that is taken away from our responsibilities right now--and let me tell you--we have plenty. In addition, your mother calls my house on average, on average of six (6) times a day. The phone calls have been going on for years--even before your mom's health got worse. I tolerate it though. What I will not tolerate anymore is you being disrespectful to my wife. I don't care that she's your sister anymore. If you can't talk to her with respect the way that you would want your wife to be treated, then keep your mouth shut and don't say anything. Which brings me to your wife. Now, as I've stated, I don't give a shit if you or D, or your wife like or talk to me or not--it doesn't make one iota of difference to me. As I mentioned though, my wife is very sensitive to these things. Now, for some reason or another, your wife isn't talking to my wife and de-friended her on facebook. What kind of shit is that? How petty and awful that is. If you had any balls, you would tell her such and tell her to be respectful of your sister--who is nothing but sweet and kind to her.

I've said my peace. If you have anything to say, email me back or call me on my cell phone. Don't talk to B about this. It's bad enough I had to take time out of my day for this but I am tired of seeing my wife upset over petty family nonsense and a brother and sister who should be ashamed of themselves. Pass this on to your sister D too.

Don't you all wish you had family like this...

My blessings are many…

2011-11-25T18:43:00.000-08:00

Since the day after my surgery back in July 2010 through the vast majority of 2011, it’s been the worst stretch of time in my adult life – I guess maybe my whole life as being a kid didn’t suck too bad. But that same period of time has been the richest of my life as well. I have been so blessed in that time and I don’t think I spend enough time counting my blessing.

I am not the winner of the star bandster prize for shear weight loss – but as an emotional eater, I think coming through these 16 months being 40lbs down instead of 50lbs up is miraculous and without the band there’s no way that’s true. There’s light and hope and promise in my life right now and I’m hoping that can help me concentrate on my weight loss goals in the coming days, weeks, months. So I feel very blessed to have this tool inside me that’s helped me weather this storm without the absolutely certain weight gain I otherwise would have had.

This community is truly an amazing blessing. I set out hoping to find a few blogs that could maybe help me learn more about this little thing I had put inside me since I have an idiot for a doctor. I’ve some how lucked into not only finding the information I was looking for, but also finding some of the most amazing women I’ve ever met in my entire life. I’ve been blessed with lots of new friends – people I could go and have gone to visit all over the country and the world.

In addition to this amazing community as a whole, I’ve met a few specific people with whom I feel so tremendously connected that I can’t remember my life without them in it – and I can’t imagine what my life would be like without them in the future.

I’ve worked hard this year to remain open to the universe – ready to accept the lessons I’m to learn. I do truly believe this part of my journey has been far more important than my current weight loss efforts and it’s that certain belief that’s kept me sane about the rest. I think this year has been about emotional development and as Camille just said tonight “sometimes you can just only do so many mental things at a time” and I’ve had a lot of balls in the air that take up way more than their fair share of my pitifully inept emotional energy. I’ve met some amazing people this year that I not only connect with because they are fun and funny but who also happen to be far, far, far more emotionally wide opened than I am and I have learned so much from them. I’m still far from where I think I need to be, but these emotional lessons I’m learning have been blessings heaped upon blessings, and the fact that these amazing people are ready, willing, and able to keep being right there with me as I continue to try to learn more – to try to become more open emotionally, more able to appropriately access my emotions is the biggest blessing of all.

I don’t know what I must have done in some past lives to have been rewarded with these amazing new friends this year, but I’m damn glad I did. To find open minded, beautiful, emotional people who accept you for you who are, who can laugh with you and cry with you, sing off key with you while very drunk, and still accept you for who you are – every bit of it – and more than that – love you for who you are – flaws and all - It’s a damn beautiful thing.

My family is a blessing. I have two amazing boys who remind me every single day what true beauty is. They are fun and loving and smart and mischievous and funny and witty and flat out insane and I couldn’t imagine anything better than knowing how much they love me every single day. I have a husband who loves me, who wants to figure out the road back together, who’s working hard to make that happen. I have a wonderful sister who loves me and supports me no matter what.

My friends who have known me for years continue to bless my life each day with their love and support. I don’t know how I could have survived this past year plus without the people who’ve known me all along who have been able to remind me who I’ve been all this time – what I’ve wanted all this time.

And then there’s Camille – who probably fits in all the categories above. She has a band and has answered countless questions. She’s certainly family. She’s wide opened emotionally. I don’t have the language for emotions and she’s been my translator countless times – she translates easily between Read and emotions - or Read and others where emotions are involved. She absolutely loves me no matter what I do, who I am, what I whine about – she can’t help it because I’m fabulous, of course. But she’s that person in my life who knows where all the bodies are buried. She knows me. I was going to write further about that – but that’s it. She knows me. And she loves me. She has an open and flexible mind – ready to hear me out, ready to tell me the hard truth if I need to hear it, ready to go behind my back to point my husband in the right gift direction. Ready to laugh at me or with me, or both – whatever might be appropriate. And I truly can’t remember my life before I met her and there’s no way I could imagine my life without her in it. It would be a dark and lonely place.

So – here’s to the next year. I hope to be able to move forward with my weight loss – but if instead I continue to move forward with my emotional development I’ll absolutely consider myself truly blessed and successful.

I thank each and every one of you who has given me pieces of yourselves this past year, I hope to continue to earn your love and trust as you have already earned mine. Mine is a truly blessed life.

Could my dreams be coming true???

2011-11-21T15:05:00.000-08:00

You all know just how much I ~~hate~~ love my dog, right??? Well tonight I came home to this mess...

Do you think it's safe to start celebrating???

BYOC!!! Bring Your Own Crazy!!

2011-11-18T08:08:00.000-08:00

It’s Friday and that means it’s time for another installment of Draz’s BYOC! That’s Bring Your Own Crazy!! We answer 5 questions in an effort to get to know each other better and to give our blogging brains a break! Copy and paste to your own blog if you so desire – and ENJOY!

She did a Thanksgiving themed BYOC this week (it was Jenny’s idea)!

1. What is your FAVORITE part of Thanksgiving?

The production, absolutely the production! I love all the smells and the cooking and trying to time everything so it’s all done at the right time. The small talk, the football, the crazy family stuff. And grandma’s stuffing – that smells, tastes, is thanksgiving to me.

2. How many Thanksgiving family events will you attend?

Not a one! Last year we were in Disney World with Mickey and this year we’re staying home just the four of us. Though I did invite our neighbor’s to join us yesterday when I was on a field trip with Jason. (not using his real name is seriously hard!) I think we’ll still do the whole thing, but we’ll see, maybe we’ll just order pizza.

3. What’s your biggest Thanksgiving tradition?

Um… I’m not sure we have one. Other than Grandma’s stuffing, and her broccoli cheese casserole. So… just food!

Then we immediately go back to decorating for our Christmas party which is always the following weekend.

4. Do you Black Friday shop the day after Thanksgiving?

No. Fucking. Way! You could not pay me enough to go out on that day! Even getting our tree which we often do, just so we have the maximum time to get it all decorated before the party, totally sucks the life out of me.

5. Repeat question: Summarize your week in real life and in blog world.

Real life – hmmmm. Definitely up and down. Husband has been in CA all week and now he’s in Vegas for a couple of days of fun – he’ll be home late Saturday night. So, of course I’m tired of being alone with my cute not-so-little kids. There were baked goods to make, basketball practice to attend, a field trip to attend, an amazingly stupid production for ‘international day’ that nearly had my eyeballs fall out of my head. So there was some serious stress going on in there. The upside of that stress, though, is that for the first time in my life I was totally feeling it appropriately. I’m such a closed off person emotionally that I just can’t touch or be touched by emotional things in lots of profound ways – but this week when I was stressed, I felt it. My muscles were tense, my heart was in my throat, I was nauseated, I couldn’t eat for a few days. It was awesome! We’ve crossed most of the hurdles and much of the stress has abated – though, there’s always tomorrow, right.

But I can say that yesterday’s field trip to DC was totally fun! We went to the Capitol and the US History Museum. The museum was fine… eh. But, I hadn’t been to the Capitol since I was a kid and that was totally cool! We toured the building, had a great tour guide, learned tons and got to watch the Senate for a while. Senator John McCain from Arizona was speaking which was totally cool. First to speak while we were there was Senator Carl Levin from Michigan – he was really just reading their bill into the record and his tone was extremely dry. McCain was far more animated (which of course tells you something about the animation level of Levin) and it was great to be able to tell the kids that the man they were seeing talk had run for President during the last election. But.. really the building itself, the history that surrounds it – it’s just completely awe-inspiring. I’m so lucky to live in such an amazing country. Just one more thing to be thankful for!

Blog life – well… uh… I sort of suck. I’ve just been too consumed with the real life stuff to barely get over here. I’m hoping to catch up this weekend in between more Christmas decorating.

I hope everyone has a brilliant Thanksgiving!!

A little life contemplation...

2011-11-15T18:25:00.000-08:00

Hi all...

How's it going? I was going to do some more blogging prompts but I find myself sitting here with my head in my hands contemplating the meaning of life - so perhaps I'll start there.

Okay - maybe not the meaning of life but the future of my marriage. See... the rest of the world knows my husband as St. Dan (okay really it's his real name, but you know what I mean) the husband all other husbands are measured against (I kid you not). But you've all mostly only heard about how suckish he is. And both parts are true. He's a good an honorable man - but he sucks at emotions and connection worse than I do and that is seriously saying something. And I'm at a place in my life where I want and need and demand emotions and connection.

The truth is - I've changed, not him. And so far he can't keep up. For a long time he wasn't willing to even try and was, in fact, completely angry that I'd even suggest needing something from him beyond being a good guy who can keep our schedule extraordinarily well. I need love and connection and emotions and trust and the safe place to come home to - the place that is warm beyond all others. The problem is - he's got no idea how to give me any of that - in fact, I'm not sure he even knows what that means. But there's a bigger problem. I've been the one doing all the work for so long... where I reach out to him and he slaps my hand away, mad that I would bother him in such a way.

I've gotten amazingly stubborn - completely refusing to do anything else. I can't be the one that reaches out anymore. I can only bang my head against a wall so many times - and I passed that number a long time ago. But... and here's the bigger problem... It's just occurred to me that we might be at an impasse - at the least we have a serious problem.

1) I'm not sure he's capable of doing anything. He's not sure what to do. He's not sure what I want. He has no idea how to give it to me even if he did understand it. He's deathly afraid of failure - enough so that it keeps him from trying sometimes.

2) I don't think I trust him enough to hear/trust/see/feel whatever he might do. My walls towards him are big and thick.

Don't get me wrong - we're getting along pretty damn well at the moment - but I don't think I'm in a position to really hear anything from him if he could figure out something to do and I don't think he's really in a position to actually do anything anyway.

So if he can't do anything. And even if he could I couldn't hear/see/feel it. We're dead in the water.

It turns out - I really want to save my marriage. And being dead in the water seems like a zero sum gain. Which means I might just have to break down and do something again. Of course that scares me too - cuz - really how many times can you reach out only to have your hand bitten off?

But... I was reading something I'd written a few years ago about how we'd had the best year of our marriage ever - this was 2008-2009. That's not that fucking long ago. How did it go from being the best year ever to being the worst?? Lies... hands being bitten off... more lies...

But... what I was writing about - the thing that was working was just a subtle shift by me. Giving him more power - letting him lead - asking his opinion more. Nothing earth shattering - it was little stuff and I remember the benefits far outshining the effort by either one of us. I so don't trust him with me right now - but maybe... just maybe I can give this a try. It seems pretty low risk and my memory along with what I wrote about it says the payoff was really good.

So there you have it - no writing prompt tonight. Just a little life contemplation.

A slow and low day...

2011-11-13T18:30:00.000-08:00

Man! I suck at this NaBloPoMo stuff... It's not for lack of desire, I swear it. I'm just an idiot sometimes.

I went out with my friend Jen last night and man was that a much needed evening! I've known her for... hmmm, a long time. Since before I got married. So, I guess, pushing 20 years ish - of course, we met, and I got married, when we were very small children. Anyway - she knows me so very well, and has known me for such a long time over the highs and lows of life. Our marriages, our kids, the insanity of our in laws; we've shared it all.

She knew me way back when, when all my emotions were all blocked off. She was there when I was suffering with depression. And she's watched me come into my own with respect to really owning who I am; including all the parts of my personality - and wanting to learn to express and own my emotions too.

And because we've watched each other grow and learn for all these years, there's just not much we can't or haven't talked about (if anything). So we spent 5 or 6 hours drinking and talking about what's going on in our lives and the emotions involved and what there is to learn from this and that. All the while, of course, laughing and having fun. It's always so nice to reconnect with her and I have no idea how or why we let life get in the way of keeping more closely connected. OH... And we're talking about going to Jazz Fest again in 2012 - Yippee!! I love NOLA!

But then today..... having nothing at all to do with Jen - I'm in a mood. Do you ever have those days where despite your best efforts the world is spinning out of your control? Where you think things are going isn't the case? That the plans you made for your day, just don't pan out? Today has been one of those days - top to bottom. I can't say I was hung over, because I wasn't really - but I'd had plenty to drink last night and I don't know about you, but I never sleep well when there's lots of alcohol churning around in my body. So... while I got some things accomplished it was a very slow day. And then of course when I went to feed the dog I discovered there was no dog food. Guess who fed the dog last? It wasn't even one of the kids - it was Dan. Did he bother to do anything about it - or even to mention it. Uh, that would be a nope. And can we guess where he is?? In California. So the downside was I had to go out when I was busy being a lump - but the up side was it was a beautiful day here in MD and I got to drive to the store with my top down - yay! So maybe I can say he gave me a little gift - the gift of a nice drive with fun music with the top down in November. There aren't that many left in 2011. (Dear husband - if you are reading this and think it's okay to offer me a "your welcome" for your little gift - think again :) )

And then - every person I spoke to today (except Camille) has said or done things I wasn't expecting - at least not on my 'I just want to be a lump' day. When I'm here at home alone for a week - with no one to even bounce things off of. I think my brain is too muddled to handle things today and as you all know - I truly and profoundly hate drama. Of course my solution was to break out the wine. Wine makes everything more clear (that's true, right?).

And speaking of Camille - that poor thing was stuck in Laramie, WY for a long time today. She and her family were trying to drive back home to Bum Fuck, WY from Denver but discovered the roads were closed. Then they were opened. Then they were closed again - all due to high winds blowing the snow across the roads. (man am I glad I don't live in WY). They got stuck there last night and were able to spend the night at a friend's house - but then headed out today only to have to turn back. I haven't heard from her in a few hours (which does not make me happy at all) but when last we texted they were heading home at 5 mph. I sure hope they make it soon!!!

Christmas decorating has officially started...

2011-11-10T18:13:00.000-08:00

It's official... the madness has started. A couple of weeks ago Husband brought the boxes of stuff in from the garage so I could begin to begin... but it took me until this evening.

Here are a couple of pictures of the boxes filling the living room before I started..

Step 1 for me is always to empty out all of the boxes and put everything out and then I decide what to put where. So here's some of the stuff I emptied out tonight...

Back to the writing prompts...

2011-11-09T18:12:00.000-08:00

I do think these are fun - but I also sort of feel like I'm cheating - but I am not willing to skip two days this week so...

Which quality best describes your life--exciting, organized, dull--and why? Can I say all of the above? How could it not be exciting with all the running around I do - soccer this, football that, now it's basketball too, husband's in and out of town... it's always new and exciting around here - Then of course there has to be a certain amount of organization or none of it would be possible. Husband keeps our calendars straight so that's his part of the organization of our life but he sometimes forgets some of the peripheral stuff - like have the kids eaten, or do they have water at practice, or will they need a coat or an umbrella?? - this is my piece. And dull - well duh. We go to work, come home, get homework done, go to practices, games on the weekends - lather, rinse, repeat. blah, blah, blah.

Why is it important to be honest? I think it's vital to say the important things honestly no matter how hard they are. You only have one life and you need to be able to stand up and hold your head high and know you are being truthful. Life is just too short to settle for things that aren't fulfilling to you in all ways - and I truly believe the only way to do that is to be honest - with yourself and with others.

What is something you do well? I just asked Jackson what was something I did well and he said "paint" as in draw and sketch things. uh... I can copy things pretty well - I can certainly draw well enough that you'd know what I was trying to draw - but... that's about it. It's good to be loved by your kids!

What would happen if there were no television? Why would this be good? bad? Well, despite the fact that I'm sitting here watching the country music awards right now - I don't watch that much TV - I'd be perfectly fine if I could never turn it on again. I bet childhood obesity would go down - and wow, isn't that a profound thought - could that one thing really have that big an impact - but I kind of think that yeah, it really does. It's not the only reason, of course, but still - I bet it would reduce that awful statistic. So it would be good!

What do you think the world needs now? Peace, love, happiness and health - not necessarily in that order.

Where does the pee come out of if there's no penis?

2011-11-08T12:41:00.000-08:00

Drazil's post today has totally inspired this one so be forewarned!

Once upon a time I was driving my cute little Tommy around - he was probably 6ish, but that's a total guess. And he had recently walked in on me going to the bathroom one too many times... where it finally truly occurred to him that I did not have a penis (I guess maybe he was a bit younger??)

Anyway we're driving along and thank the heavenly lord above he's in the backseat so he could not see my face, but the conversation went something like this.

Tommy: Seriously, you really don't have a penis?

Me: Yup, girls don't have penises, only boys do.

Tommy: okay - but where does the pee come out? It's got to come out somewhere. (did I mention that Tommy is a little engineer in the making - he must understand how things work)

Me: There's a little hole down there, it's just not at the end of a penis.

Tommy: A hole? Hmmmm. Ridgely's a girl. (Ridgley was our lab)

Me: yup, Ridgley's a girl (Okay, where is this going?)

Him: She has like a tiny little penis and that's where the pee comes out of, right.

Me: (oh god) um.. yup.. that's right, but it's not a penis.

Him: But so girls have something like that?

Me: uh... sure. yeah, it's something like that, but not exactly - you know - most girls don't have fur.

Him: Okay, got it. Can I see yours.

Me: uh, that would be a no. I'll see if I can find a picture for you.

That satisfied him. Kept the car on the road and got him to school on time. I never did find a book to show him.

NaBloPoMo & a little NSV

2011-11-06T12:45:00.000-08:00

So... I was totally struggling with coming up with a blog post today and then my friend Camille helped me out as she so often does by linking to this site on her blog which lists a bunch of writing prompts broken out in 10 topics. I haven't yet looked at them, but I've decided to do the first one of each topic - or as long as I feel like it...

What is something you dislike about yourself? I dislike how I don't always understand how best to communicate what I'm saying or what I'm feeling. I talk about how "I missed that day" when people learned the nuances of communication, the non-verbal stuff, the tone of voice stuff. So, it ends up that many, many people in my life are afraid of me - which to me is both hilarious and very sad. I am confident and I own that. I also own that I have a big personality - but I swear I try harder than most people to be nice to everyone and still I end up being the one that is seen as the bitch.

What would happen if you could fly whenever you wanted? When would you use this ability? Fly?? I'm going to assume we're talking about the actual physical ability to jump off the ground and fly... Well shit, I'd use the ability all the damn time. Going to work, rescuing kitties stuck in a tree, visiting my friends wherever they might be - cuz since this is my ability I'm going to also assume this means that travel would be superfast. I'm sure I'd have to find the appropriate clothing to wear as I already get cold all the damn time so I can only assume it would be way worse while flying around at superfast speeds all the damn time.

What do you think of 3D movies? Well... I think they can be really cool but I think recently the use of them has gone way overboard. Just because something is 3D doesn't mean it's going to be cool - but certainly some things can be cool by being 3D. Though I really prefer things that are 4D.

What do you like most about yourself? Seriously - I wasn't really into deep questions but I can't cheat and pick another questions since I said I was going to do the first one of each. I am, however, totally going to cop out. (insert smiley face here) I love my curly red hair and my big green eyes.

How do you feel when it's your birthday? Why? Uh... you mean when it's national celebrate me day??? Um, I like it, what's not to like? I can make my children do anything I want (cuz it's my birthday) (and not that they don't do what I want the rest of the year too - but the little game we play is fun). My husband usually does a whole birthday week thing with presents every day for a week. That's a damn lovely thing - though I will say it makes me feel inadequate as I'm just not as good as the birthday week thing for him.

I wish I had a million... Then I would... pay off all my debts, first and foremost my mortgage. Well, I suppose I don't have much other debt than my mortgage, but I'd pay it off and any other that we have and and then deal with the whatever is left to do for college for the kids. Anything beyond that would be put away.

When you are angry, how do you look? Well... unless you know me exceptionally well and there are very, very few people who fall into this category... I look exactly the same as when I'm happy, or sad, or frustrated, or whatever. It is something I am totally working on. I want to more transparent, though I will say that it's a good skill to have.

Okay - I'm done with those. I'll definitely come back to that site and do more - there are some interesting ones there.

The little NSV... Earlier today I was eating a little bit of cheese and crackers. And I got that feeling in the back of my throat... you know, the one I know means I've had enough... the one I usually completely ignore. And I immediately packed up everything and put it away. Now if I can just keep doing that!

It's over... phew

2011-11-05T14:05:00.000-07:00

So I completed the 5 day pouch test yesterday. I cheated then too - so... if you're looking for a pouch test role model, I'm not your girl. Yesterday I took my chicken breast to work and only had a chance to eat some once throughout the day so when I got home I was starved. I took the rest of the chicken I'd brought to work and added some.... wait for it... Gorgonzola to it which I then warmed up so it got a bit melty and then I added a bit of low fat sour cream as well... It was very good. The problem wasn't so much in what I ate as in how much I ate and how quickly. Did I mention I was starved??

Well.. whatever, it's over now. And frankly I feel great. I really feel like my head is in a good place again and we'll move on from here. And seriously if the way I cheated for any of the five frikkin days was by adding a bit of cheese or some low fat sour cream - yeah, well... so sue me. I've got gobs and gobs of Halloween candy in my house and I've not had a single piece. Well.. that's not totally true. Before Halloween I had a few kit kat bars, but that was last Sunday. And again... even that wasn't that bad.

Today we went had basically simultaneous games; soccer and flag football. They were actually staggered by a half an hour so I was able to drop the 13 year old off in time for his game and then get the 10 year old to his game on time. As soon as we were done with flag football we raced home, picked up the 13 year old who was complaining of having been "seriously injured" he said this while walking around the house snacking on anything he could find. Whatever serious injury he incurred didn't seem to be affecting him all that greatly so off we went to watch our dear friend get honored at the half time game from her high school as she's being inducted into their hall of fame. I know she absolutely LOVED me and the boys coming so I was so glad we were able to make it up there before half time.

Now we're back home and the boys have gone to a friend's house to play and I'm thinking of laying on the couch and reading a book or possibly falling asleep.. more likely both.

I hope everyone's having a fantastic weekend!!!

BYOC!!! Bring Your Own Crazy!!

2011-11-04T11:01:00.000-07:00

Let’s get to what we came here for! (THANKS DRAZ!!!)

BYOC – Bring Your Own Crazy. A couple questions we answer to get to know each other better and to give our blogging brains a break. Copy and paste to your own blog if you wish! Enjoy!

Let’s do another themed BYOC…..this one will be called “What’s In/On Your….?”
1. What’s on your desk between your monitor and keyboard? (if it’s a laptop – what’s on your desk in general)

Not one single thing. It’s probably the only perpetually clean area on my desk. I am often working on projects on my desk and not in my computer so I leave that area clear so I can move the keyboard all the way back to the monitor to give myself some clear desk space on which to work.
2. What’s on your mind right at this moment?

The fact that I have go to Wal-Mart and get 13 year old a new binder and the 10 year old some new socks. I hate Wal-Mart – but they will absolutely have the specific kind of binder that I need so… sigh… there, I will go. And that I’m a little annoyed that I have a bit of a headache.
3. What’s in or on your nightstand on your side of the bed?

2 alarm clocks (one if for the alarm and one is for the sound machine part of it), a couple of books and the directory to VIOS TV since we had Direct TV for so long. I think the cover to my Kindle is also there.
4. What’s on YOUR Christmas wish list (let’s assume you’d get what was on it)?

I want this thing that I can’t remember what it’s called but it’s for making hot coco and other hot drinks – it froths them up – and it will be great for my chai latte each morning. I’ve sent my husband the link and am fairly hopeful.
5. Repeat question: Summarize your week in real life and in blog land.

Real life – has been good. I am less than 12 hours from successfully completing the 5 day pouch test and that’s always a good thing for my brain. It helps me to remember I’m the one in charge, not the food or the emotions or anything else. Also, I’ve gotten 2 of my 3 days of working out in with three days still to go (I’m including this evening in that count) to get the third one in. I’m confident I’ll achieve that goal and hope to surpass it. I’m looking forward to my little trip next week. And am hoping to start decorating for Christmas this weekend. The husband is out of town so soccer and football is on me this weekend which means a little extra juggling, so I’m not sure how much decorating I’ll get to, but I have high hopes.

Blog life – has been fun. I’m enjoying blogging more, which has me reading more – so it’s all good – I just love the positivity that flows between everyone’s blogs!!

Day 4 and I’m stupid

2011-11-04T08:18:00.001-07:00

Day four is in the books and it was also fine. I was getting a little board with all the protein, but yesterday was seriously yummy. I brought some shrimp to work with me that I’d steamed and peeled the night before. I ate it in three separate little meals and the first and third went okay, but the middle one – the great Linda curse reared its ugly head. I think I had maybe three little shrimp before there was no way another bite was going to go down. It wasn’t really any big deal, but still…

Then last night I did make my cedar plank salmon and OMG it was to die for. One of my very favorite things to eat on any day! I cooked it with a little garlic and chili infused olive oil, salt, pepper, and chives. YUM! And when it was done I totally cheated (as Gilly so helpfully pointed out) by sprinkling a little gorgonzola on top along with a bit of balsamic vinegar. Also… I didn’t finish eating it in 15 minutes. I couldn’t. But there was no way I wasn’t going to finish it – so I waited a half hour or 45 minutes and then finished it off. Man that was good! I think I could eat that every night for the rest of my life and be happy!

While I was eating I was also cooking some chicken breasts to eat today. Today is all about firm protein. So I cooked some chicken breasts with some onions and a bit of the same olive oil and cut it all up and put some in some small containers to bring with me today. And really… it’s all I’ll eat today. As much of it as I want… breakfast, lunch and dinner. Hopefully it’ll be yummy – it certainly smelled good! And hell! Maybe tonight I’ll put some gorgonzola on the chicken too?? (Can you sense my addiction to gorgonzola?)

Now on to me being stupid…

So… I’m a Ravens fan and a Redskins fan. And I have a jersey for each to wear at the appropriate times. Well… today is one of those such times. All around the Baltimore area, Fridays during football season are Purple Fridays and people of all walks of life wear purple from CEOs to street walkers – it’s all about the purple today. Which is a really fun thing to see. I usually try to wear purple on Fridays and usually remember – but on the Fridays before the Steelers games I wear my jersey.

I have an Ed Re**ed jersey, he’s number 20. But I’ve had a mental block about whose jersey I have for all the years I’ve had it. I know it’s either Ed Re**ed or Ray Ri**ce. Both great players, whose jersey I’d be thrilled to wear – and no, the number never helps me despite my life time football fandom.

So… every single time I wear the jersey inevitably someone who doesn’t know the Ravens all that well will ask me whose jersey I’m wearing (the name is of course on the back) and I always end up stammering or stuttering or guessing (usually wrongly) and going into the whole.. yes I know I’m a dork, but it’s either Re**ed or Ri**ce and I can never remember which one.

Cut to today. I have on the jersey and I’m in the bathroom and I take a minute to look in the mirror so I can see whose jersey I have on so I don’t later look like an idiot when someone asks me and it was only today. I mean, seriously, I’ve had this fucking jersey for a few years now – and it didn’t occur to me until today that it’s Re*ed. AS IN MY MIDDLE FUCKING NAME!!! I realize it’s spelled differently. But there’s no fucking doubt that I own the damn jersey because the name is the same as my middle name. Whether I bought it or Dan bought it – either one of us would have bought it because it would be kind of fun that I sort of had my middle name on the back of my jersey. And as you all are well aware – I use my damn middle name all over the damn place – all the damn time.

I bet I won’t ever forget again. Sigh.

Day 3 in the books...

2011-11-03T03:43:00.000-07:00

So... Day three is done and was successful.

I was right about it being hard to eat the cottage cheese. The first one I had was no problem at all, but the second one... Oh my. I had to eat it in two separate parts about an hour apart and even with that I didn't finish the little tiny container. I find it really surprising how it does feel like I get tighter as each day of test goes by.

For dinner I had some tilapia and remembered why I don't each much tilapia. It was good and all... but.. eh. I find it very bland. The seasonings I cooked it with were really good, but the fish was just... like a place to put the seasonings. My friend Camille LOVES tilapia and is always cooking it, I figured I'd go with it - even thinking it was stupid that I hadn't had any in a really long time - I mean, seriously, I love seafood of all kinds. So I went and got some, cooked it up as she suggested and... it was fine... eh.

Today, however, I get to eat shrimp and salmon. YAY!! So, even though Linda has completely ruined shrimp for me and I've gotten stuck almost every single time I've had it since the time she said "OMG, you can eat shrimp??? Most people get stuck on it!!" - I'm still really looking forward to giving it a try. And tonight I'm going to cook a salmon fillet on a little cedar plank - YUMMMM!

And yes - I did cheat a bit yesterday too. I was really hungry when I got home from work but had been drinking on my way home - but still... I nibbled on the rotisserie chicken that I'd just bought for the kids and it was seriously good. But again - I'm not going to sweat the fact that I "cheated" by having a little poultry.... so sue me.

And I did get on the treadmill for 30 minutes.... so one down two to go on that front.

Have a great day!!

NaBloPoMo, Day 2, and a hair cut...

2011-11-02T06:18:00.000-07:00

November is NaBloPoMo (National Blog Posting Month) where you are challenged to post every single day for the month of November. So… I’m two for two so far!

Day 2 is in the books…

The first two days of liquids really wasn’t all that difficult. I did cheat a bit – in the form of a gin & tonic the first night and some gorgonzola sprinkled onto my tomato soup last night. But as I’ve still not had a single piece of Halloween candy, I don’t have the slightest problem with declaring the first two days an unqualified win.

For those of you looking for additional information about the pouch test please click here.

Now onto day 3.

Day 3: Soft Protein
canned fish (tuna or salmon) eggs, fresh soft fish (tilapia, sole, orange roughy.

For days three – five I can eat as much as I want as long as I follow the rules.

No drinking ½ hour before or ½ hour after eating
Take no longer than 15 minutes to eat

In the past, when I’ve done this it has been surprising just how much harder it is to eat in 15 minutes. I’m not sure what’s going on inside my body or if it’s all in my head, but I suspect that I will be able to eat the little things of cottage cheese (which is listed in the details as an option) I brought with me to work today, but I suspect I’ll have to work at it with at least one of them to get it done in the 15 minutes.

Also – in the past I have found the not drinking for ½ before you eat part – very hard and it truly is something I think I should incorporate always as I think there’s something to a dry pouch that helps it work better.

I bought some tilapia last night that I’ll cook for dinner tonight and it will be seriously yummy as I was just too busy last night and this morning to do anything more than throw some cottage cheese (which I love) into my lunch box and run out the door.

And I’m planning on getting on the treadmill tonight!!

Last night I got a hair cut and here’s a picture, what do you think?

Day 1 - complete

2011-11-01T06:14:00.001-07:00

Day 1 of the pouch test done.

For those who don’t know, days one and two are lower carb liquids. According to the test, jello and pudding also count as long as it’s sugar free. I did have a gin and tonic, which I don’t think is strictly on the plan, but it had been a hell of a day. I did use diet tonic and I think the G&T was a significantly better choice than gobs and gobs of candy… of which I had exactly zero pieces.

I’ll keep you posted…

(in case you missed it - this is me keeping myself accountable, so thanks!)

Me and my band...

2011-10-31T09:43:00.000-07:00

So… this is at least in part a blog about my lap band, right? I’ve been remiss about that lately and that’s got to change.

I’ve gained weight in every challenge I’ve ever done, including the before Chicago one and I’ve only gained more since then. I’m not talking thousands of pounds – but still… I am slowing trickling in the wrong directly vs heading steadily in the right direction.

I’ve just gotten complacent – I can totally see how people fail with this thing. At least for me – it’s never affected my hunger levels and I think it’s easy for me to say – waaaaa, poor me and ignore the things it does do for me. It does not let me eat a whole pizza – most of the time. it’s true that it takes big vacations and I have no doubt I could, in fact, eat a whole pizza some days – whereas other days I couldn’t eat more than a bite without getting stuck to high heaven. And the number of days where I can eat way too much are much, much fewer than the days where the band says – uh… yeah, you should stop now. The other thing it does for me – most of the time – is tell me I should stop eating now. It’s the listening to that – that’s the problem for me.

This weekend I had my normal chai latte and then went to work in the basement – I got tons done down there – it’s almost the lovely room I envisioned when we finished the basement – but at about 2pm I was STARVED!!! I headed upstairs and for some strange reason decided I wanted a grilled cheese sandwich. I haven’t had one of those in forever…. Years. Anyway, I made myself one (with swiss cheese) knowing I probably wasn’t going to be able to eat more than a bite or two. But nope. I had no problem scarfing it right down. Like seriously. It was a sandwich. There were 2 pieces of bread – with cheese in the middle. Not one little problem. But… you know what? I know better than that all by myself.

So… starting right now – I’m going to be talking a lot more about my band – and life with it. I’m doing the 5 day pouch test this week which helps my brain remember that I am, in fact, in control of my choices. And I’m committing to you all, here and now, that I will get on the treadmill at least three times this week for at least 30 minutes each time. I’m starting slowly, with the hope of working up from there. I’ve been totally sucking at the working out thing which is really annoying to me because I actually really like to work out. So we’ll start slowly and work from there.

There you have it!

Happy Halloween!!

edited to add: I just ate some SF jello (on the pouch test) and I swear I had a hard time getting it down. How can I have no problem eating a grilled cheese sandwich one day and have a hard time eating JELLO!!! the next???

Ricky's extended family-isms....

2011-10-29T18:32:00.000-07:00

So... Ricky's brother-in-law passed away shortly right before she left our house. In fact, she ended up staying a bit longer and Dan took her to up state NY for the service. He was married to Ricky's sister who passed away about 15 years ago. She's remained close with the kids and had remained fairly close with him until he got remarried and his wife decided she HATED Ricky. Obviously I get that Ricky can be annoying as hell on so many levels. But she's almost not worth hating.

His name was Tony and he was a character to say the least. He came to our wedding and flirted outrageously with my mother. Every single time he talked to Ricky over the years he asked about my mom. Ricky delighted in telling me over and over and over and over and over how he was sweet on my mom. Then she'd go on to extol all the virtues of my mom. Of course since I'm pretty anti - my mom, not to mention pretty anti - Ricky right now - I'm in no mood... but... this is not the point.

The point is Patty. Patty is Tony's new wife. Though I think new is the wrong word - I think they've been married for at least 5 years. She's a treasure. I've never met her and I'm kind of sad - I think she could have been some fodder for a whole hell of a lot of blog posts. And... Tony's three kids... well, I have met all of them and well... they are all fucking bat shit crazy. Seriously. Crazy.

But anyway - Dan was really stressed about going to the service because there is always so damn much drama surrounding his family. Early in our relationship I used to refer to his family as the 'black hole of negativity' (I'm sure I've said that here before at some point). And being from that environment it's really easy to get sucked into the drama - which in turn sucks the life right out of you. If I'm with him, it's a hell of a lot harder for him to get sucked in because of course they don't have access to any of my buttons and I just think they're all insane. So I can just shake my head and say... uh, no thanks, I'll just take my paper cup of wine and go over here and people watch.

So I told him how I was a little disappointed at not being able to go as I knew it would be ripe with fun things to blog about. I mean, seriously, how could it miss. Of course, truly my hope was to distract him from his family's drama by giving him an assignment that would keep at least a part of me with him while he was there. I asked him to write down notable quotes and if possible take some fun pictures for me to later blog about.

Unfortunately there were no fun pictures to be had. Unlike the plethora of flannel shirts and holey t-shirts that showed up to his father's funeral - this was a different part of the family - really mostly the family of the in-law Tony - and apparently they remembered you should show some respect. But... as it turned out..

Patty, the grieving widow, provided plenty of noteworthy quotes....

*God damn it, I forgot my tampax, coat, and my lighter

*I hate bras. This one is killing me.

*I met him at a pig roast. Everything from bikers to farmers, he fit right in.

*I was dancing on stage, no bra, low cut shirt and he was waiting for my tits to come out.

*He popped a champagne cork in bed. (I'm not even sure what this one means)

*Met him and within a week, I was living with him. Married new years eve.

(pointing at ~6 yr old picture) *This is the same outfit I am wearing today. You can see how much I dress up.

And finally from one of the daughters, speaking of the grieving widow :

*I am hiding from Patty. I hate that bitch

Tommy-isms

2011-10-29T08:14:00.000-07:00

Dan's been gone for the whole week and has finally come home at about 8pm last night.

I yell down to the basement where Tommy is playing video games;

Daddy's home and he brought you some tacos.

Tom: I'm not hungry for tacos, the other dinner filled me up (which is a first in recent times)

***************************

A half hour or so later
The house is clean -it happens rarely, but last night it was clean. The floors had been washed - all was right in the world.

Jason is watching TV. Dan is eating his late dinner and I'm doing a little clean up. Tommy finally comes upstairs after finally being able to rip his eyeballs away from the video game. He greets his dad and then makes himself a bowl of ice cream which is, in and of itself, pretty remarkable as his "I can do it all by myself" skills suck. So... yay for him. He goes to the freezer to get the ice cream, goes and gets a bowl. Eventually had to get a spoon, go to throw something away then to the sink, then to the table to eat. After a couple of minutes I look up and realize he has tracked little bits of dried mud to and from all the places he had just been. He's wearing basketball shoes with little ridges that are creating these little rectangular bits of dirt. There are very specific paths of dirt - up from downstairs, to the freezer, to the cabinets and drawers, to the sink and trashcan and it ends at the table where he's now sitting.

Me: Oh man, Tom you've been tracking mud all over the place. (I point out all the tracks he's just made. I'm not mad about it at all, he didn't mean to do it and I'm about to make him clean it up.) When you're done your ice cream I need you to go get the broom and clean it up.

Him: OH. MY. GOD. (big, sorry-for-myself sigh) You don't even know that it was me!!! It could have been Jason!

****************************

Now it's a new day and it's snowing here in MD. Let me repeat that for you... It's snowing here in MD. It's not snowing in WY where my friend Camille is and frankly she's laughing at me. But still... it's a new day. And Tommy is being an annoying not so little teenager. Especially to his brother. Jason wants nothing more than to do what Tommy's doing and Tommy is doing the whole bait and switch thing over and over. Tommy says he's going outside... so Jason gets ready to go too. Then when Jason tells Tommy he's ready Tommy says - I'm not going outside it's pouring right now (the snow switched over to a nice rain/ice mix for a bit) and this is said with a perfect "you're an idiot" tone. Like OMG what kind of freak would want to go out in this kind of weather. That was the last one I was willing to hear so I call Tommy up to me where I'm typing this little blog about him.

Me: I have not liked your attitude all day today and it's still early yet. You're making Jason crazy and you're doing it on....

Tommy: Mom, I have...

Me: ...purpose (OMG I hate to be interrupted) KEEP YOUR MOUTH CLOSED WHILE I'M TALKING TO YOU. You keep telling....

Tommy: you're totally right

Me: ...him one thing and then doing another. uh? wait, what? what did you say?

Tommy: you're right. I'm not telling him the right stuff. I'm changing my mind on purpose. But I swear I haven't actually lied to him.

Me: (well knock me over) - Can you please stop that - it's just going to make him crazy and then mad and then frustrated and he'll be crying and there's no need to go there.

Tommy: yeah, I'll stop. I'm sorry.

Me: Okay, good. And thanks.

Tommy turns to leave but stops at the door and looks back at me...

Tom: OMG - that was SO much easier!!!

Me: I know, let's keep doing it like that.

Tom: (grinning) we'll see.

Maybe there's hope for him yet....

BYOC!!! Bring Your Own Crazy!!

2011-10-28T06:12:00.000-07:00

It’s Friday and time for BYOC – Bring Your Own Crazy! A couple of questions we answer to get to know each other better and to give our blogging brains a break. Copy to your own blog and enjoy!

This week Draz’s questions are going themed…as in they are all about blogging and just to throw you off – there are more than 5 this time!!

1. When did you begin blogging? Do you plan to do it a long time or do you think you’ll stop after a while?

I started a family blog years ago, probably like five or so, both as a way to keep my husband’s family up to date with the cute things my kids did and also as a way to “write stuff down”. Every time I would call my mom and tell her something funny one of the kid’s did she’d say… write that down so you don’t forget… So for a while I had a bunch of pieces of paper with cute things on them floating around, but of course they are not together and of course who knows if I’ll ever see them again. So began the blog. Then I started this one a couple of years ago. I suspect I’ll always do it. I find it helpful to get my feelings about all manner of things out there – not to mention this community is so much more than I ever, ever expected was possible!!!
2. What do you enjoy more - blogging yourself or reading other’s blogs?

Oh… hmmmm. It completely depends on my mood. Sometimes I’m in a selfish blogging mood and I just need to get stuff out there in order to help me process it and other times I love the give and take of blogging (who knew that was even possible?). Where one idea will show up on someone’s blog and I’ll add my thoughts on the topic and someone else will add theirs and so on and so on. And other times, like last night for instance, I was completely in a reading mood. I was reading some blogs way back from the beginning.
3. What’s the biggest thing blogging has taught you? Biggest surprise about blogging?

The biggest thing it’s taught me? hmmm. I guess that would be the biggest surprise. That I could actually, just through blogging, get to know and fall in love with so many wonderful people. I suspected there would be helpful people out there when I started this blog, but it never once dawned on me that so many of you would become like family to me. I truly have this whole group of women that I completely love and completely trust and love that was far more than a surprise – more like a shock to the system – but man, I just could not be more grateful about it!. I feel truly blessed to have found this community!
4. Have you met any other bloggers in real life – solely because of your blog or theirs?

Yup. I attend the BOOBs event in Chicago annually with other bloggers. About 50 or so women each time. And I’m lucky enough to live near a few and we’ve gotten together every once in a while too!!!

5. Does your blog have a general theme as in one topic or do you cover everything and anything?

Well… in theory the theme is being banded, but… I’m not so sure that’s really all that true. I suspect I’ll always come back to that and in fact, I’m planning to (starting immediately) make it a little more about that – or at least bring that part of my life back to the forefront. But… I’m me and well… I’m a scatterbrain and I will always throw out there whatever the hell might be on my mind. Sometimes I sort of feel like I’m sitting on my deck with a bunch of friends are we’re all swapping stories about life – the good the bad and the ugly.
6. Are you public or anonymous? Whichever you are – do you ever wish you were the other?

well… can I say a little bit of both. My real name is not Read, though it is my middle name (oh and this weekend my mom went back to swearing that it was because my dad thought I was going to have red hair. She was adamant enough about it that I’m convinced she believes that is the true story – I’m not sure I believe that’s the true story, but now I’m thinking of coming up with a new story about it). I’m only a little bit anonymous and it’s because I haven’t told my mom or most of the rest of my friends and family about my band. And as you know I’m in the process of switching the names of my husband and children from their real names to their new fake names. J

And well… sure, sometimes I wish I was totally anonymous and sometimes I wish I was totally out there – so… I’m just never satisfied, am I?
7. What’s your best blogging advice for a new blogger?

well… two things. 1) be yourself cuz it’s just too damn hard to be anyone else and the people you will find and connect to are people the real you wants to find and connect to – you wouldn’t be able to find those same people if you were trying to be something you’re not. And 2) if you are wanting to join a blogging community – read and comment on other’s blogs. It’s the best way to let others know you even exist.
8. Does anyone in your real life read your blog/know its address? Do you wish they would or wouldn’t?

My husband knows it and my sister knows it – and of course my friend Camille and there are probably a couple of others like that. Occasionally I wish my husband and sister didn’t know about it, but that’s usually fleeting. Much more true of my husband as he latches onto things very easily and what I might have spewed out one day when I was in a mood will become the bible as he knows it. But… it is what it is, and I try not to spew about him on here, but instead choose my words more carefully knowing he’ll read them later. I don’t always succeed, but hell, I don’t always succeed in person either so hopefully he can live with that.
9. Do you enjoy blogging or do you view it as a chore? How often do you blog?

OMG I love it – though sometimes I get bogged down feeling like I haven’t been good or funny or prolific enough and that will shut me down for a while. Where did my funny stories go? It’s not like my life has changed all that much… But, then Jason will do a little happy dance and I remember to blog about it and I feel okay again.
10. Do you tell people in your real life that you blog? Or keep it a secret?

Oh everyone knows I blog and if pressed I will refer them to my family blog which I will occasionally still update. The other one is connected to FB and I only put stuff on there that is both cute and noteworthy and also not offensive to anyone I know on FB. Like I can’t put the Jason happy dance story on there because one of my in-laws might tell my MIL about it. When I went to Chicago I debated coming up with some elaborate story about how I knew all these people but ultimately decided to just say I know them from blogging and when asked the theme of the blogging group I say it totally varies – which I think is true even if it could also be a bit of a lie.

I hope everyone has a fantastic weekend!!!

Emotional IQ....

2011-10-26T19:00:00.000-07:00

Me and emotions are not very good friends. We met late in life... okay that's not completely true - we met very early in life but I was told that emotions were bad, I got in trouble when I was shy or scared or sad or angry or whatever. I learned to put on the happy face and make very little waves. I learned to do whatever made the person I was with happy - or content. I stopped crying completely. I probably didn't cry at all from the time I was about 7 or 8 until I was twenty something. Maybe there was something in there during that time but I don't think so.

Anyway - my mom is a great... fun gal - a great friend - but she wasn't a great nurturer. Recently she yelled at Jason while he was throwing up and crying because he was over tired and missing his parents. (he was staying with her one night after the comic-con where he had stayed up too late for 3 nights in a row and it had taken its toll out on him). He'd called me on a cell phone crying for me - and I was doing a fine job of calming him down when my mom came in very annoyed with him. "Jason! If you are going to keep crying and getting sick the least you can do is keep it down and stop disturbing the rest of us." A delight, my mom is.

Anyway - I called my mom on her house phone and let her know I'd heard her and just how unhappy I was about it. I've been working for 2 1/2 years to get Jason over his separation anxiety (up to and including therapy for the little guy) and he's so so so much better - but being yelled at in that situation is not helping anyone. Anyway - my mom was so annoyed that I'd heard her. Annoyed that technology exists that makes it possible that I heard her. Not annoyed that she'd let her frustration get the better of her... hell as far as I know, she thinks yelling at the vomiting boy is a fine thing to do. She never apologized or in any way let me or Jason know she thought her behavior wasn't just fine. Needless to say she'll not be watching him again.

But the point is - this little episode with Jason has totally tapped into all my childhood stuff with my mom - not to mention all the obvious mama bear stuff I've got going on. Emotions were bad because they were inconvenient to her - not part of her plan. She was a tornado of emotions and took out every frustration on my sister and I. We dealt with that in different ways and my way to was to just turn off all emotions. Learn to want and need and demand nothing - no sympathy, no comfort, no help, nothing.

This only doing what was expected of me led me to doing things I didn't want to do; with drugs, with boys.

Oh hell...

this wasn't where I was going... the point is... I am very emotionally ignorant. My walls have walls. I came by it very honestly. I learned to shut it all down as a kid and so... I missed a lot of years in learning how to deal with the world emotionally. I've got nothing to fall back on. I've learned a lot about emotions as an adult but I'm still pretty much an idiot about them. I can feel them now. I can even describe what I'm feeling a lot of the time, but I have no ability whatsoever to non-verbally communicate my emotions. If I'm sad or depressed or hopeless I will look outwardly just like I'd look if I were happy or calm or peaceful. Some of that is that I can distract with the best of them.... Hey look (pointing over your shoulder) there's a big bird, you've got to see it. (and while you're looking hopefully you'll forget whatever it was you were going to ask me). But most of it is - I just don't have a clue how one does that. There's nothing remotely natural about it.

Anyway - this is on my mind cuz this is what we talked about in therapy this week. I went alone as Dan is out of town and we talked a lot about emotions. We've previously talked about how mine and Dan's dysfunctions matched nicely when we got married. I was brought up not to want or need anything and he was brought up to run from people who want and need things. We were a match made in heaven. The problem was - I got a lot healthier in my late 20s and I've only gotten better and stronger since then. I'm still an emotional idiot - okay, maybe not an idiot - but definitely not normal (and I mean that in the best possible way.)

But I'm really good with who I am now. I'm really comfortable in my own skin. Sure I wish there was less skin to be comfortable in - but my outside does not define me. I am happy with who I am. I am happy with the decisions I've made. I want more out of my marriage - I am expressing wants and needs. The wants and needs I have are not unreasonable. But to my poor husband with the lessons he learned they are frightening. They are pressure. They are ways he can fail. Fail me, fail himself.

You've all heard me talk about the things that are wrong in my marriage. It's hard to feel love from a man too scared to reach out to you. But I'm not doing him enough of a service. He's a good and loving man. He wants to do the right thing. His childhood fucked him up but good and he has even less skills than I do. He's still in that place where he runs from wants and needs and he does that because the wants and needs from his mother were no where near reasonable or sane. It's a gut level instinct to him to protect what's his and keep everyone else out. Does it mean that just because I know he's a good and loving man - that that will be enough to keep me here with him for the long haul - nope, it doesn't. There will need to be changes. I have needs that have to be met. I have to feel safe and loved in my home - it's not negotiable. But it does mean that staying here with him - and going to therapy with an open heart is absolutely worth my time and effort. I have a sincere desire for my marriage to last for the rest of our lives. But I love myself enough to know that doesn't have to happen for my life to be complete or good or a success.

As an aside... I was just thinking today about how I was taught to hide my emotions - I wonder if that's why I'm fat - all that stuff had to go somewhere. Of course now the opposite should be true too - I'm pretty good about feeling my emotions if not about showing them - the weight should just fall off, don't you think?

Is it so wrong????

2011-10-25T17:21:00.000-07:00

So.. Ricky is gone. Dan (husband) took her back to NY yesterday. There was a death in her extended family which caused her to stay a couple of extra days, but now Dan has taken her to the service and will then fly from there to NC for the rest of the week for work. It’s just me and the boys and we’re having a delightful time.

But… I’m like the world’s worst mom – or at least world’s worst role model.

We get home on Monday night and Jason (10 year old) starts to dump his backpack onto the couch right where Ricky likes to sit (with hand in pants) and he stops mid dump and looks up at me and asks… Oh is Grandma sitting here? I reply that Grandma is gone, Daddy took her back up to New York this afternoon. He asks… Is Daddy gonna bring her back with him? Nope, I tell him. And it’s there. Just for an instant. A look of unfettered glee passes over his eyes before he immediately schools his face. But I know my kid and I saw it, though I’m awfully proud of him for doing his best to keep it hidden.

I say to him (and this is the really bad role model part) Do you know how that makes me feel? The fact that Grandma is gone.

Jason: (skeptically) no.

Me: (shooting both fists into the air) JOYFUL! WOO HOOO!!!! YAY!!!

Jason: (grinning ear to ear) OMG me too!!! But I thought you’d get mad at me if I said that. Do you know what it make me feel inside??

Me: (also grinning) nope, what?

He proceeds to do a little happy boogie that involves every single bit of his body as he dances with glee around the room.

I love my kid!

Help a blogger out.... please

2011-10-19T18:05:00.000-07:00

Okay - so I have a friend. (I know, I know, that's a surprise in and of itself. ) Anyway, her name is Charley and she's one of my all time favorite people in the world. She's a younger, prettier version of me and I'm in no way shape or form disparaging myself - she's just the bomb.

But... she has HORRIBLE luck with men. It's a long story that I won't go into now - but she's just recently gone through a TERRIBLE breakup with perhaps the world's biggest ass ever!!! Anyway - like she did several years ago she has this fantastic blog about her escapades on Match dot com. She's fun and funny and witty and just plain wonderful! But she's mostly writing in a vacuum and I know she'd love love love to have the support and comments from a bunch of wonderful women who can help her and amuse her and help guide her as she travels down this path again.

The thing is, I haven't told her about my band so I was at first hesitant to link her to me and I'm still not quite ready to do that. She's someone I would tell, so it certainly won't be the end of the world when she finds out but... I guess I'm asking you all to go visit her blog and to comment when you are so struck and to not say - hey, my friend Read, you know, the one with the lap band, she sent me over.... How's that??

So.... her blog is called Charley in Charm City and thank you so much in advance for any support and encouragement you give to her, you won't be sorry, I promise!! Every once in a while she mentions me on her blog and I'm Read there too.

Thanks again - love you all!!!

Note to self

2011-10-17T13:13:00.001-07:00

Big, soft, chewy, warm, peanut butter cookies are not a good idea. Trust me on this. A small bite is fine. Even a few bites. But the whole thing... Yeah, not so much.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

BYOC - better late than never...

2011-10-15T21:10:00.000-07:00

Five little questions you can copy and paste and answer in your own blog to get to know your fellow bloggers better and to give your blog brain a break!

Oh and a quick shout out – some of my dearest blogging friends helped me come up with questions again this week!

Enjoy!

1. What’s your most favorite noise and your least favorite noise?

Most fave - a kid's belly laugh

Least fave - That serious plaintive cry that comes from your kids (I guess any kids really) where you immediately know there's really something wrong.... as in real pain.

2. If you were a character in the movie Grease – who would you be?

I used to be Rizzo, but now I'd say Cha Cha

3. What was the name of your best friend in elementary school? Are you still friends?

Kelli Gr**ntr** (that's arbolverde in spanish). I moved into her neighborhood when I was five and she was four (and if we're together to this day, I'll say the "I was five" part and she'll say "and I was four". She now lives about 10 min from me, literally around the corner from my sister. She's more like a family member. She remembers more about my childhood than I have. If I have to know something that happened when we were kids I can call Kelli just as much as I can call my sister - which is kind of funny. She is a very nice person, but we were not really close any more. She moved to an extremely conservative church and believes her values are better than anyone else's. I still like her very much - she's sort of like a nice cousin that I see every once in a great while.

4. Who is your current celebrity crush?

I'm not a big celebrity person - but... certainly George Clooney can always make me swoon.

5. Repeat question: How was your week in real life and in blog land?

Real life - has been fine. Nothing too big or too bad going on. Husband took older son to NY for their comic book convention and they both had a great time!! MIL is still here so that's fun and a PITA at the same time. Boys did great in sports this week. I didn't want to kill my husband too much. I haven't gotten over our last therapy session all the way. He blamed me for him not doing his homework. I have super powers that extend to controlling how others spend their time. It must have been hell on him in school what with other people able to control whether or not he did his homework. ( <---- see what I mean, I've been all snarky and bitchy about it all week long). It was my fault because I'm a harsh bitch. I make doing anything hard. I'm not sure why he wants to keep living in such a harsh environment, but he says he does.

Blogland - uh... I've stopped going online at work completely. It was just sucking too much time for me - and I haven't yet found a good rhythm to blogging at home fully yet. I'll get there though. I am loving going through people's posts about Chicago - so much fun!! I've had two ipad face time chats with Gilly and OMG do I love that. It's like we're sitting down to have a glass of wine together because - we ARE sitting down and having a glass of wine together. This is the first time I've thought my ipad was the single coolest things ever!

Love you all!!

A couple of quick Ricky-isms

2011-10-13T19:30:00.000-07:00

Her - do they have chicken parm in a kids' portion?

Me - well even if they don't we can still get it for you and you can eat left overs tomorrow if you want.

Her - that's true too (her favorite filler thing to say).

Me - would you also like a salad to go with that?

Her - that's what I was saying. Why don't I just get the chicken parm and a salad and not get any spaghetti.

Me - um... we haven't yet mentioned spaghetti - but you're telling me you don't want it.

Her - right.

Me - ok

Her - just the chicken parm and a salad with blue cheese.

******************************************************

(a big roll of thunder sounds, rattling the windows)

Her: is it going to thunder tonight?

******************************************************

He wasn't the kind of guy who went to the hospital. He never, ever went. Well, unless he was going to die, then he'd go.

BYOC - OMG I almost missed it...

2011-10-07T17:46:00.000-07:00

It's time to BRING YOUR OWN CRAZY!!

1. If you were given $1,000,000 that you had to spend ONLY ON YOURSELF....how would you spend the money?

Hmmmm. Probably on a cook, a car, some exercise equipment, another car, some shoes, some purses....

2. Who would you say is the one person that's had the most influence on your life? By that, I mean the person that has molded you in to the person you are today?

Oh God. You could go in so many damn directions with this... Is the the crazy parents I had that I had to work to overcome? Is it my husband who's recently helped teach me what my limits are? Is it Camille who reminds me every single day that unconditional love and support doesn't have to be hard? Is it my grandmother's who taught me to be fierce (in very different ways). I don't know if there's one single person - I'm more a... it takes a village kind of girl....

3. What is your normal morning routine? Are you a bear in the morning, or is the morning your favorite part of the day?

I'm not a morning person, per se - but I'm a 'whatever time I get up' person. So I'm the happy, easy going one in the morning. When I'm clicking on all cylinders I much prefer to work out in the morning, get in, get it done and move on - but I do love my sleep so I'm still working on getting my cylinders clicking at the moment. But for routine - it depends on if I have kid duty or not. If Brad's in town he deals with getting the kids out in the morning, if he's traveling I do. Whether he's home or not, I usually make sure they're both at least thinking about getting out of bed before I jump in the shower. A little make up, some clothes, I let my hair air dry on the way to work (best when it's warm enough for the top to be down) - make my chai, pack some things to eat during the day and head out the door.

4. If you're a Facebook and Twitter user, which do you prefer and why? If you're just a Facebook user, what do you think of the new changes?

I don't do twitter - well I do have an account though I can't log in anymore so maybe I guess that means I don't have an account anymore.

Facebook - eh. They change it every so often - I'm not sure I've ever seen why - but eh.

5. Repeat question....how was your week in real life and in blog land this week?

Real life was tired. I didn't get enough sleep before, during or after Chicago. But I'm about caught up now. Ignoring Chicago which I've already talked about - there were some really wonderful parts, there were some really tough parts, and there were a lot of same 'ol, same 'ol parts.

Blog life has been totally fun - and I'm no where near done catching up on everyone's Chicago posts. All the pictures are all so wonderful - especially Angela's (LOLOL) - it makes me feel like I'm still there.

I hope everyone has a great week.

The Ricky pictures...

2011-10-06T04:22:00.000-07:00

See Angela, I wasn't lying...

More BOOBs fun...

2011-10-05T15:59:00.000-07:00

As promised....

Sandy Lee came to the pajama party more than a little drunk already, she needed some help with the order her clothes should be put on...

What do you think?? The ad department is trying to decide the right look for the campaign for their new game "What the Fuck" Please tell us what you think...

And finally - the age old question still remains unanswered... Who's the biggest slut???

Life in our asylum – don’t you want to come too?

2011-10-05T06:29:00.001-07:00

I have more fun BOOBs things, but I want to add pictures and they are at home. The teasers are…

- Sandy Lee wearing animal print underwear outside of her pants

- Jenny asking “what the fuck”

- And Gilly and Linda asking “Who’s the biggest slut”

But first – a few normal every day things that happened in our asylum last night while fixing dinner…

Another Tommy-ism (the 13 year old)

Me: Tommy, please see if Bandit needs food and water. (said for the 27^th time)

Him: I’m on it, I’m getting him water.

A few minutes later as I’m bustling around the kitchen getting dinner together I hear water landing on a distant surface and look around to figure out what the hell that is… It’s our brain trust. Of course it is.

You know those things that you put summer cocktails in with a little spout at the bottom so people can help themselves when they want a new drink… yeah, well he’s filled this with water for the dog and has positioned it on the high bar in our kitchen somewhere in the vicinity of over the dog’s bowl and was systematically working out the trajectory in order to give the fucking dog some fucking water.

Me: THOMAS WILLIAM ARE YOU FUCKING CRAZY (I may have left the cussing out, but I was definitely thinking it.) What the hell are you doing?

Him: giving the dog water (said with the know-it-all, I’m-doing-nothing-you-haven’t-asked-me-to-do tone of voice)

I gave him The Look. You know, the one that says you’re a fucking moron and we both know it but because I’m your mom I can’t really say that out loud and if you don’t cease and desist immediately I’m going to beat you senseless. It’s a hell of a look and he knows it very well.

Him – sorry, I’ll clean it up. (see, I told you, it’s a hell of a look.)

Ricky

So… I was reading the other day, or maybe it was on the news, no I think I was reading it. No wait, it was definitely CNN, I think. But they were talking, or it could have been writing about this girl, a single girl with three children. She wasn’t married, or, hmmm, maybe she did have a husband or well, I guess she had to have one at some time, but I think she was still married. Anyway, this single girl was making only $25,000 a year and was able to make ends meet because of coupons. You know Steve (my BIL) does that. He’s a smart boy. He’s married too.

Ricky – Did I tell you how we were all at the table? It was for a meal, maybe it was dinner. I think it was at Denise’s (my SIL) house. So, we were all around the table and someone asked. It was me and Denise and Steve, and I think Barbie (other SIL) was there too, so I guess her kids were there and maybe Susan (niece). Anyway, we were all around the table for dinner and someone asked how many miles is 5,380….

Tommy, Dan (husband), and I all said simultaneously – 5,280

Ricky – okay yeah 5,280. So they said, I don’t remember who, but they said how many miles is 5,380? (cuz that’s definitely a question. “Hey, Fluffy, how many miles is 5,380?”) And I knew. They were all so surprised that I pulled 5,380. They just couldn’t get over the fact that I knew how many miles 5,380 was.

The best part of this one, however, was how Tommy was looking at me throughout her telling of her miraculous story – mouthing to me that it’s how many feet are in a mile – not how many miles are in a… something she never disclosed, and that it was 5,280 not 5,380. I was mouthing right back that it was ok, to let her have her win. And of course she was completely oblivious to the whole side conversation.

BOOBs 2011 - my take. And a couple of Ricky-isms

2011-10-04T10:04:00.000-07:00

So… Let’s talk about BOOBs 2011, shall we?

Okay… first of all, to all of you who went and either lost or didn’t gain – poo on you. Well, I suppose I could say I lost or didn’t gain as there’s no fucking way I’m going anywhere near a scale for at least a week. My goal this week is to gradually ease myself back into eating like a normal human. One who doesn’t want to bathe in pumpkin cheesecake quite so intently. We’ll see how that goes.

But that out of the way. Wow. That pretty much sums up the weekend. I really thought I was going to have all these wonderful and profound thoughts about it – but I’m not sure how to put all that into words. I was talking with Dawnya last night and she said it was like being with the family you hand-picked and that’s exactly right. There was just so much universal love and support in our group. You know, I hear women are just not supposed to be like that. They (okay we) are supposed to be mean and back-stabby and that’s just not what I encountered. And yes, of course there were a couple of Debbie Downers in the group who know all and get pleasure out of finding fault – but even that – while hurtful and just plain annoying – was pretty small potatoes compared to the whole.

Where else in your life can you just show up in a city knowing personally a handful of people at most (for all the other first timers) and be immediately welcomed into the fold? That kind of stuff just plain doesn’t happen in the real world…. Right? And of course you’ve heard it all before but everyone is just exactly like you knew they’d be based on their blog. I believe it was Joey that said (and maybe she said it in NY) that it’s kind of like meeting a bunch of celebrities. We’ve all seen their pictures, heard lots of stories about them, know intimate details about their lives (oh, wait, is that just me?) and then… OMG look!!! Right there!! Coming in the door!!! It’s Fluffy. Okay it didn’t work like that for her as she’s totally anonymous but you get what I mean. I was star struck the whole dang weekend.

Okay that’s not true. Because it seems people are just as excited to see you as you are to see them. It works in both directions in all cases – how frikkin’ cool is that??

So… some of my favorite memories in no sane order…

Being accepted into the group of women I spent the most time with as if I’d always been there. I swear I feel as though I’ve known all of them for my whole lives and this was just a super fun reunion weekend.
Having Linda as a roommate who never ceases to make me spit out my coffee laugh at least once a day. Some of the things that come out of that sweet and loving mouth are just To. Die. For.
The hand gestures used to describe the ‘inverted cobra’ – which this innocent mind never did grasp.
Being with Drazil as she experienced her first sex shop and struggled to understand what the fuss was all about.
OMG – that pumpkin cheesecake – I’m still working on how I could manage to eat just that for the rest of my life.
The pictures of me that I discovered on my phone that I have no recollection of – that’s always a fun surprise
Tina tipsy
The orgasm Gilly had while eating cheesecake at Cheesecake Factory – you can bet your sweet ass I’ll be ordering what she had when I next go there. I have it on film and will show you all later – I had to receive special permission, but phew, all the paperwork was officially signed.
Hanging out with Jessica, Fluffy, and Angela at the karaoke bar that first night. I want more time with them!
The meal we shared at Pizzeria Due – OMG that was fun. And Kristin was there with us the whole time. As was Tonya and Kung Fu Panda Bear – they were just all so great!!
Bonding with Gilly
Making Tessie Rose crazy – hopefully she got how all in fun it was – but man did I have fun trying to get her husband to send me inappropriate pictures. I can’t tell you how much I love the two of them – but even more how much I love the two of them together. His comments and hers were always so perfectly in sync and so damn funny! It was too hard to pass up!
Getting to finally meet Deb, Stephanie, Jenny, and Drazil in person who are all just as wonderful and amazing as I knew they’d be.
My Color Purple hair done by Dawnya
The tears at the end. It took every damn thing I had not to cry – but I knew if I started I’d have cried all the damn way home and I’ve cried too damn much this year alfuckingready.
Stephanie’s skirt tucked into her jeans.
The smell of the pie company
The smell of the popcorn place
How holy fucking funny Dawnya is
The whole pajama party
Barb’s boobs
4,233 lbs

Some of my favorite quotes;

“Ken is huge, he fills a room” (obviously I’m hoping to meet up with Ken one of these days.)

“Frequent Farter”… do you get points for that and what do you get when you redeem them??
“Peeing on your feet prevents or cures athlete’s foot” – I’m still debating whether or not I should tell my 13 year old jock this…
By Gilly about Dawyna: “I didn’t think I could be shocked, but that girl just keeps shocking me”

There’s no doubt way more that I’m not remembering right at this moment so I’ll add things as I think of them and I’ll work on pictures when I’m home, hopefully this weekend.

One last thing….

I want to say a special heart felt thank you to all the planners for all the hard work, blood, sweat, tears, heart, and soul they put into making such an awe inspiring and special weekend possible for the rest of us. They do this all without pay and without any special compensation of any kind. I for one think the rest of us should be paying for their dinners, at the very least, or something along those lines in the future. And on a personal note – they welcomed me into their fold with open arms and I couldn’t be more humbled and grateful for that.

And now – a couple Ricky-isms

I believe since she’s been at our house I have spent approximately 3 minutes (and I think that’s high) in her presence so there’s not been a lot of opportunity yet..

But still… So, while we were in Chicago she watched her first football game. She lay on the couch in her favored position – legs hanging over the arm of the couch, hand in her pants (picture will follow when available) – and looked in the direction of the TV. Dan (my husband) reports that at the end of the game she looked over to him and said;

Daa-aaan (it’s not a southern thing as she’s from NY, I just think she likes names with two syllables) Are they all black??

I got home from Chicago at about quarter till 9 on Sunday night and after a while I headed upstairs to put Jason (my 10 year old) to bed. As I get to the top of the stairs for the first time in four days Ricky says to me.

Cam-la (see… the two syllable thing again) – where did Daa-aan put my black bra? I’m not sure if he dried it or not. I got all the other laundry he did, it was all folded nice and neat, he’s such a good son. But can you get me my bra. I’m not sure where it is.

Um, yes. Of course I know where it is as I have magical powers and they definitely extend to “sight” as we call it in my coven. Where I can see things that are happening in my own home when I’m in a whole other part of the country, drinking my ass off – in fact I think the alcohol enhances my special abilities. And why in God’s name do you need a bra now at 9pm when you’ve already been asleep for a couple of hours??

I told her I’d get back to her.

Days 3 and 4

2011-10-03T09:50:00.000-07:00

Day 3 – the day of food

· First Linda goes out to breakfast with a couple of people while I was a super lazy slug. But when she comes back – she brought me this churo – well, she probably bought it for herself to enjoy later but instead she was kind enough to share it… well it was more like… OMG, you have to try this thing, it’s SOOOOOO good. And boy was she right. Holy cow, who knew those things could be so dang good!!

· Then we went do lunch at pizzeria due or something like that – OMG – so so so so good and so so so so much fun. I was there with such a wonderful group that were gracious enough to let me crash their fabulousness. We had this Chicago style pesto pizza – I know there was some other stuff on there – not meat – but… seriously. The. Best. Pizza. Ever. Seriously!! Did I mention this stuff was good!! But wait there’s more. Cuz in addition to the amazing company and the out of this world pizza we had Tonya as a waitress. And man oh man did she fit right in with our insanity. I would like to publically apologize to all the other patrons of the restaurant while we were in there – I’m pretty sure we were universally hated – but I swear it wasn’t our fault – Tonya made it just so damn fun!!! The following are things of note from this one meal

o Kung Fu Panda Bear – big, burly, cuddly manager who Tonya got us to call by that name – he promptly threatened to write her up or fire her – he was mostly kidding. At the end of the night we got a totally fun man who was just walking down the street minding his own business to take our picture with Tonya and Kung Fu Panda Bear

o Oh… the woman who led us to our table was named Shaquisha and Drazil and the rest of us took that as a good sign that her name was so close to Shaniqua

o Shaquisha immediately called Stephanie a fashionista as she was looking all kinds of glamorous

o Stephanie discovered later, however, that she is now thin enough to NOT NOTICE that she had forgotten to take off the skirt (a whole skirt people) she had been wearing earlier. She had decided to put on jeans for lunch and she just pulled them up and somehow managed to tuck in the skirt she had been wearing right INSIDE her jeans along with her shirt. Shaquisha would not have been impressed.

o You know those little things that hang off the side of a table that create a hook that you can then hang your purse off of?? Well Brad got me one for Christmas with an M on it. My last name starts with a W and I’m sure he thought it was a W and not an M and maybe even one of my kids picked it out, I don’t know, I wasn’t there, but as I wanted one, I was happy to get one – period. But then, in some crazy gyration of mine I kicked my purse (without even knowing it) and the M thingy went flying. Next thing I know a waiter is standing behind me saying – who’s Ms. M? holding my purse holder thing in his hand. Oh, that’s me, oops, thanks so much. But then one of my lunch companions says “why is it an M?” and I said “it was a Christmas gift, and I held it upside-down and said it was supposed to be a W”. Another person said “It’s the thought that counts.” In her happy always positive voice. And another responded “It’s not the thought, it’s that he fucks up over and over.” Hmmmm, tell me how you really feel??

· Then we headed to the sex shop to show Drazil what all the fuss is about. I’m not sure we succeeded there – but a great effort was made – and I’m sure it’s just a matter of time.

· Then… OMG… then we had pie. We went to this famous Chicago pie company that Gilly had heard about on Foodnetwork - some such thing about a Fat Dead Elvis pie - or something crazy like that - well bummer of bummers they didn't have that particular flavor available when we got inside after waiting in the out the door line - but I ordered pumpkin cheesecake which I always like. But people!! This pie was the best thing I've ever put in my mouth - and if you've followed me for any amount of time you know that's saying something. I want to live in this pie. Bathe in it - forget skittles people - it's their pie. Phew. Was it good for you? Cuz it was really, really good for me.

Then we got back to the hotel and it was time to start to get ready for the big meat dinner. I sort of accidentally fell asleep due to a food coma. (I don't know why the bullets just started looking like this - but... eh) We got all prettied up and went to an all you can eat brazilian meat place. So much food!!! So much left on our plates!!! All so good though!!
Then, since we hadn't eaten enough we came back and had a pajama party in the lounge complete with ice cream. Again - soooo much fun!!

Day 4 - sad good byes.

Bought Garrets popcorn and discovered the Chicago mix of cheese and caramel is, in fact, as good and addicting as everyone said it would be.
Got packed up
hugged the hell out of lots of people
had a fantastic lunch with most of my favorites (a few had already left so we raised a glass in their honor)
And headed home - sniff sniff.

I will do another post about my personal observations and will include pictures - but I'm not ready or organized enough to make that happen as of yet.

I will leave you with my overall impression - Best. Weekend. Ever. So much fun, such wonderful people, All even better in person than you knew they'd be. Stupid good food - how is anyone thin in Chicago?

Chicago, Day 2

2011-10-01T09:03:00.000-07:00

Bullet style...

We got up entirely too early for how late and how drunk we had gone to bed - but such is life.
Eventually the rest of the planning committee descended on our room with the rest of the stuff for the swag bags and in no time at all set up an efficient assembly line to fill the bags
All the door prizes they managed to ~~con~~ arrange some lovely sponsors into giving us were also carefully wrapped for presentation.
As I was ~~in major recovery mode and not really fully able to function~~ not involved I sat quietly on the couch and tried to write my Chicago day 1 post. (I will not mention here that it took me quite a few hours to accomplish all that amazingness yestereday)
After they had gotten all their work done (and I'm telling you it took a few hours - we should be bowing down to these women whenever we pass them) it was decided that food was a priority and off we trudged to The Cheese**cake F@ctory where after sharing some appetizers a few women got some cheesecake. As I had had an oreo shake with my lunch I abstained - I'm thinking that was a mistake as I believe there were a few orgasms experienced right there in the booth during dinner. I want to go back specifically to get what Gilly had! Cuz... well... I felt a little uncomfortable watching her eat it. It seems a little too personal and intimate to share.
We stopped on the way back to the hotel for a little bit (and I do mean a very little bit) of shopping before the planners got their collective assess in gear again and got the food and liquor set up for the official meet and greet! That was great fun, let me tell you!! So lovely to get to see just about everyone all at once. These woman are just as wonderful and even more beautiful in person than you expect them to be!
Then back to the karaoke bar - only this time with Tessie Rose. Apparently it had been leaked that Tessie was coming because the bar was holy fucking packed. A few drinks later and we hightailed it out of there, forming a protective ring around Tessie, and found a quieter bar in which to play. So, fun to be able to just let your hair down, so to speak, with all these lovlies. I'm pretty much planning on taking a state by state tour of the US to go and visit them all one by one.
Then on the way back to the hotel - ok we were already in the hotel when Carmen came rushing in and it turns out there was a different group just coming in for a quick stop before heading out to a diner at 1am. Well... of course I had to go! I had the best time talking with Tina who when drunk is even more fun than normal!!
finally off to bed at about 2 - not too bad and am up and feeling damn human this morning

Chicago - Day 1

2011-09-30T15:57:00.000-07:00

At some point in the future - I will follow with a more coherent post that will include actual pictures and whatnot - but here's a very quick recap of my first day here.

Linda and I met up at the airport 8:00ish which was just not too bad as far as early morning hours are concerned and were immediately in vacation mode. Once on the plane we got the requisite screwdriver and it was on! Unfortunately they never came back around to give us a second drink, but we managed to survive. Barely.

We arrived and literally ran into Jacquie in the bathroom - yay!

OMG - I swear the driver made fun of how 'girls' pack which, of course, totally meant she was talking about me being one of "those" girls with my two checked bags and my two carry-ons. Where was my little fru fru pink wearing poochie when I needed him??

We hooked up with Stephanie, Gilly, Angie, Justine, and Jacquie and had lunch and began our drinking adventure. Others arrived here and there and then all the planners showed up with a HUGE truck load of stuff. Eventually we headed out to dinner - though I will say that the group of woman I was having dinner with totally ditched me!!! I must have smelled or something. Eventually they realized I wasn't with them and Joey called and told me they were well on the way. Bitches. I took a cute martini glass from the restaurant because someone told me I couldn't. Apparently I'm 12.

Back to the hotel, got dressed in our slutty, drag queen, best and headed to the drag show - man that was fun. I know it's as obvious as the nose on my face - but holy hell Dawnya is a fun chick - I'm totally in love with her. After that - we head to a karaoke bar and lots of bad songs were sung and much liquor was consumed!

by the way... I've just been told by Drazil that I must point out her fabulousness to all of you - and well... yeah, she's fabulous - I think some of her ass popping gum drops have landed on me because I'm feeling pretty special myself.

On another note.... Can I just say wow!
I'm rooming with Linda, who's one of the planners as you know, and that's given me a unique perspective from which to view all the work those six amazing woman have been doing behind the scenes. And let me tell you - it's a damn shit load of stuff they're doing. While others are out taking tours of this and that or shopping or lunching or cough cough recovering from too much frivolity the night before. They are stuffing bags full of swag that they've each busted their asses to get for all of us. They've had boxes and boxes of shit delivered to Chicago from all over the damn place. Let me just go on record of sending out a great big thank you to each and every one (Linda, Joey, Jenny, Lynne, Deb, and Stephanie) of you for all your hard work over this past year to make all this come together - it and you are all just amazing!

A few last minute things...

2011-09-28T09:13:00.000-07:00

I can't comment - no idea why, but it's totally annoying.... here's a couple of random comments I was unable to post;

to Draz - I'm so thrilled to hear about Banana's latest drama, I'm totally grinning! And numbers... I'm not sure we've talked about the actual numbers but mine is higher than his and we both know that.

to Tessie Rose - Yay!!!

Last night Tommy (my 13 year old) needed help creating a simple line graph in Excel. I'm an accountant. Did I mention that before. An actual accountant - can we guess what program I spend a hell of a lot of my work life working in?? Yeah, that would be Excel. I'm the excel queen. I say as much to Tommy - and up we head to my laptop. This very complicated graph had one line with four data points and a few labels to make it pretty. I open the 2011 professional Office version of excel that's on my Mac and it starts asking me questions about sparkly lines - I kid you not. Where do you want the sparkly lines and ok maybe it was sparkling lines. But I don't want any stinking sparkly or sparkling lines. I'm sitting there reading instructions about these lines and get as far as learning I can't continue without them. As I'm in the process of packing for Chicago and this little graph should take approximately 30 seconds to complete I quickly close that version of Excel without ever figuring out what the fuck sparkly lines have to do with anything.

No big deal, right? I open the 2008 College version of excel that's on my mac and set out to create the graph and it takes about 3 seconds and up pops a graph that's the size of my pinky finger and I can not figure out how to make it bigger or add a title and other pretty things - Good fucking God people this is a 1 minute project and I'm failing on my second attempt. Fuck it! I end up logging into my work desktop through Citrix and do the graph in 10 seconds flat and email it to me at home before printing it.

This one minute project took at least 15 and made my already joyful (not) mood even better. But Tommy got a nice little pretty graph at the end of it.

(man, I am going to so screw up these new names - please point it out to me when I use their real names - thanks!!)

So... it's totally going to look like I'm one of those girls. I have a suitcase that I'm going to check FULL of clothes for the sisterhood which is great but then when I got around to packing for me and the Chicago weather and well... of course I needed to put a few things into the suitcase I'm checking and well... when I did - it's now too heavy. Oops. So now I'm going to check two, count them two, bags for my four day trip to Chicago. I feel like I need to be carrying an annoying little dog wearing a little pink outfit too.

I have never, in my whole life, ever needed to get away from my life more than I do right at this moment and I can't tell you a) how excited I am that I actually have a trip planned and b) how unbelieveabley amazing it is that the trip is getting to see all of you wonderful, loveing, supportive, fun people.

To all those of you who are unable to make the trip this year - I will sincerely miss you and hope you'll be able to join us next year!!!

Ricky is coming back to town...

2011-09-27T11:17:00.000-07:00

My mother-in-law is coming for three or four weeks - she lands on Wednesday afternoon. I can't tell you how upset I am that I'll be in Chicago for her first weekend in town. Seriously it breaks my heart.

But... as a little preview this is the phone conversation we keep repeating. As a matter of course she calls us, Brad really but sometimes I'm lucky enough to intercept the calls and sometimes I'm in a nice enough mood to take the call for him and give him a break, several times each day - but the current crisis goes like this.

Her: Cam-la (there are only two syllables when she says it) do you think Brad will mind… You know, Jamie turns 21 while I’m down there. And well, do you think Brad will mind if instead of giving him $15 for his birthday, could I give him $21? Or do you think he won’t like that?

Me: We can discuss it when you get here. (cuz oh my god woman, we're talking about $6 - I'll happily give that to you if you promise never to mention this again)

Her: Oh, good idea. Okay, well, I’ll let you go. It was really nice talking to you.

Me: ok, talk to you later, bye now.

We’ve had this same exact conversation four times so far.

Shall we take an informal poll?? Will Brad get mad about the $6? Circle one YES NO

pictionary and being a kind and compassionate mom (not)

2011-09-25T11:51:00.000-07:00

Before I get started, I wanted to tell you all that I've decided to change the names of my family so don't be surprised when you hear of my husband Daniel, and my two kids; Tommy and Jason. I'll sometimes call Tommy Tom and Jason Jay - I'll point out their new names for a while and I'll be going back and changing their names in past posts too. Maybe I'll put up a little decoder thingy on the right a la Drazil - we'll see. There isn't any real big reason why I'm doing this, it's just more that I use my middle name on here because my real name which rhymes with Pamela but begins with a C is pretty unique and it would be very, very easy for someone to find my blog just by googling my name and I'd just as soon this remains only for the people it's for. And so I was thinking about it and people could also google my husband and kids names together, with or without my real name, and this would probably come up - so.... why not take that option away.

Pictionary lessons

So... on Thursday a friend of mine came over and the four of us (husband is in Florida) first played Frisbee after dark which can be a little dangerous as it’s much harder to see the branches on the trees (and mailboxes if you'll recall Jason's (this is the new name of my 10.5 year old son) stitches incident early this year) – but everyone, thankfully, remain unscathed. But then we played Pictionary. Whenever Jamie comes over the kids rope her into some sort of game – which I believe she loves – but anyway... neither of the kids have ever played the game before so we teach them how and as part of that instruction I tell them about their very literal great grandma.

Come with me, will you (ooh, that’s dirty – but I digress) So this was the one and only time we played Pictionary with my grandma. They had obviously played before because she had set up two easels complete with colored white board markers (this was when white boards were still cool and new – I’m guessing I was in college at best. And in her version of the game (and if grandma was around her rules were THE rules) you could use different colors if you wanted to – like water could be blue and a sun could be yellow, which is totally helpful. Anyway (that seems to be my pet word for the day) it’s grandma’s turn and she’s drawing for her team which included me and my dad - her son, and probably a few others and she’s all excited cuz she just knows we’re going to get it. It’s just so easy – and she said something just like – “oh, this is going to be a piece of cake” (speaking of cake, she was a very stereotypical grandma and she made the most amazing hummingbird cake – have you ever had that – if not, you should find a recipe and make one – though I never have – they are soooo good!!)

The timer starts and she pulls out a yellow marker and draws a small yellow rectangle. And when I say small, I mean… it was probably 1.5” x .5” on the bottom of this big huge easel and then she sat back and waited. We’re all madly guessing… rectangle, house, other things that are rectangles – I have no idea – but we were all stumped.

“Grandma, you’ve got to give us more, we’re not getting it from this.”

“There’s nothing more to draw.” Pointing emphatically at the picture “that’s what it is.” Ummmm okay… We randomly start guessing again and are getting no where.

We basically go back and forth (actually come to think of it I don’t think there was a timer because I believe this went on for several hours, though that could just be how I’m remembering it) with us being totally stumped and my grandmother getting more and more annoyed with us and pointing more and more emphatically with the tip of her pen at the obvious masterpiece she’s just drawn. It’s clear from her facial expressions that she is horrified to be related to any of us – There must have been some mix up at birth because these just can not be her offspring and the offspring of her offspring – or maybe the genes have gotten diluted – no wait, it’s Frank (her husband)’s fault – they are his stupid genes showing their stupid heads – how do they not know what the hell that is when it’s as clear as the nose on my face.

Finally a day or two later we’re at an impasse. We are never going to come up with the answer and she flat out refuses to tell us what it is because we’re all just too stupid to be helped. And then… her son, my dad – who’s known her the longest in our group and in many ways thinks just like her leans forward and utters his first and only guess…

Man, I’m really debating here as to whether or not I should tell you what the guess was and whether it was right. I’ll have to get back to you on that one.

But the point here is that I told the boys this story about how sometimes what you draw, even if it is in fact a masterpiece, the idiots on your team may just not get it and pointing more and more emphatically at the picture will in no way help your team member come up with the right answer, so you should try something different. But Jason who is (depending on your point of view) either blessed or cursed with my sense of humor spent the entire night pointing emphatically at his drawings – he, of course only did this when the impact would get the greatest laugh – he was very much on a roll last night and we were all laughing very hard.

Speaking ill of Tommy (this is the new name of my 13 year old son)

So on Wednesday I was on pick up duty for my older son and another boy from the neighborhood from soccer practice. I had to then take the other boy to boy scouts. Okay fine. I get there a bit early and am watching practice and I come up behind two dads who are watching and talking. I get there as one of them is saying to the other “It seems to be the older kids, well at least the taller ones (of which my son is one) on the team who are the laziest. So they must be getting lazier as they get older.” So of course I felt compelled to jump right in because I’m apparently not so shy “I can’t speak for any of the rest of the boys, but I can assure you my son has been lazy since birth – height has nothing to do with it.” I suppose I should feel guilty for speaking ill of my son, but I just don’t.

Oh and speaking of feeling bad – or at least thinking I should feel badly. This same child, an 8^th grader is in GT science and they do a two year science project spanning 7^th and 8^th grades. He has a new teacher this year, who he absolutely loves but he’s turning in the first part of the 8^th grade part of the project this week. It was due on Thursday. Okay no big deal right. Even better is that in the division of labor in my house – all science projects fall under my husband’s domain. Yay me. But Daniel’s (this is my husband's new name - also his middle name, like Read is mine) gone all week this week – so while they did the project together last weekend – building a trebuchet – he wasn’t here for the paperwork that now has to be turned in related to it. (uh... I think we need to more clearly define the division of labor here...)

This new teacher has laid out the very specific steps on his website and the kid seems totally into it – even wanting to do parts of it a bit early so he can run it by the teacher. Well he does that and brings it home and determines he was all wrong and now he has a shit load of work to do on Wednesday night – which of course is the same night he has soccer practice – but anyway – I agree to do the typing for him as I can type much faster than he can and this way I have a shot of getting him to bed before midnight.

So, I’m typing away the steps as he’s telling them to me to building the trebuchet and I swear to god they are shit. I mean – they make sense to the 13 year old’s brain – kind of like ur a q t makes sense to a 13 year old – but for a real live science project – omg – shit I tell you. But I’m discovering this at 9:30 on Wednesday night as I’m typing and it’s due at 8am Thursday morning. This is not about to be when I have this conversation with him so I make a few suggestions here and there, but mostly I let him hang himself. But… that’s not the worst part of it. The part that’s much worse is that one of the teacher’s steps is that “I’ve had my parents read my instructions and they agree with how I’ve laid it out.” or something like that - oh good god! And then – even worse than that – I have to type a section that says something like.. I Read, parent of Tommy am comfortable with all he’s done… yadda, yadda, yadda.

Those two parent related steps were the last two steps and by then it was after 10pm. And again there was no way I was stopping what I was doing to go back and fix all the problems cuz well it’s not my homework and it’s not even my thing in the division of labor agreements we have. But… I felt much worse about the fact that I said I thought it was good work than the fact that he was turning in shit work. Like, man!! That teacher is going to think I’m a complete idiot. What does that say about me as a person??

A typical conversation with Tommy

This exact conversation just happened with Tommy 3 minutes ago

Me: you need to pause the game and come upstairs and finish your homework

Him: Mommy! (completely exasperated)

Me: your other choice is to turn it off and not turn it on again today. I don't care which one you choose.

The TV goes off and there is much stomping and muttering as he makes his way upstairs to finish his homework.

Kagead's magic shopping powers...

2011-09-23T17:18:00.000-07:00

I'd heard about this mythic power that Kagead had with respect to shopping. In fact, Gilly just did a post about it, and several people mentioned it in her feature on the Boob's blog - I was thinking that maybe if I rubbed myself all over her while we were in Chicago perhaps some of that mojo would rub off on me... I mean, hey, it might be fun and it can't hurt, right?

Flash forward to yesterday and I go in search of a Marshall's cuz I've never, ever been inside one before I all these people I know and love from far and wide and right here in my home town all swear by it - so off I go and I really need something to wear with the actual skirt I happened to be wearing to work yesterday - a cute little orange number. (and yes, here's another example of me the redhead wearing orange). But anyway I'm looking around and I stumble upon these cute little brown boots. They don't even have a zipper or anything - I mean seriously - there's no way on God's green earth that they could possibly fit over my voluptuous calves (you can totally use voluptuous to describe calves) but then I hear it. It starts off as a whisper... try them on... go ahead... give it a try.... they will fit... the force is with you... I may have made up that last part, but I swear the rest is totally true. I'm looking all around, I mean - seriously what crazy fool is whispering about the force in the middle of the day? But this voice is persistent. And oddly it sounds like Gilly - but I think that's just because I've never actually heard Kagead's voice before.

Anyway - I'm sick and fucking tired of this voice by about the 15th time it goes through it's little number so I finally decide to go ahead and try them on if only to shut it the fuck up. And holy shit, they fit.

And then to make matters even better - I come across these short little things. I don't know why I love them so, but I do.

So... Thank you, thank you, thank you Kagead. I totally owe you a drink. Tell me, what do you all think of my new boots??

BYOC!!! Bring Your Own Crazy!!

2011-09-23T10:03:00.000-07:00

It's Friday and you know what that means - yes? It's time for BYOC. Bring Your Own Crazy like your life depends on it! We answer a few questions to get to know each other better and to give our blogging brains a break. Copy to your own blog and ENJOY!!

Oh and before I begin - these questions come from the fabulous Joey (cuz my teensy weensy brain is shot)! Thank you Joey - I owe you one!

1. If you were a character on Friends, who would you be and why?

I think I'd probaby be Phoebe, with a little Monica thrown in. I'm a little too out there - la ti da to be Rachel, though I do love my hair. But I'm too anal to be stricktly Phoebe. And... I can remember when Monica and Chandler were first getting together and hiding that fact and Monica had Chandler hold his breath under water in the bath they were sharing when Rachel or someone else came in to ask a question - I could totally see me doing that.

2. If you weren't in your current career what other career do you think you would have done?

Um... Interior decorator... no.. event planner. Yes, I'd love to be an event planner or a personal assistant. I like the behind the scenes work vs the up front and center kind of stuff.

3. What did you want to be when you grew up when you were 6?

No idea. I do remember I wanted a house in which every single room was decorated in a very different style. Like this room had a hippy feel, and that room was formal, and this other room was cottage cozy, and in here we have a 20s theme... you get the picture.

4. Do you think everyone only has one soulmate or true love? Or are there multiple people for everyone?

I believe there is more than one. I also believe you can find happiness without finding your soul mate, but I think they are out there and that there is more than one and that each of them touch different parts of your soul - complete you in different ways.

5. Repeat question. Summarize your week in real life and in blog land.

Blog land has been fun - people are getting excited about Chicago - I know I'm beyond excited. If I could go right now I would... and I'd be fine tapping my toes in the lobby until the rest of you got there. I'm sorry that not every single one of you is coming this year - but look forward to other ways to be able to meet you and play one day!!

Real life has been good. For a while I've been keeping the tension somewhat high between Brad and I because he is the king of out of sight out of mind. For the past several years, everytime I'd just relax and hang out, he'd immediately forget there was anything wrong - and well.. I was thinking if we're going to try to fix this then he needs to remember there's something to fix. Well... for a variety of reasons I dropped the tension and it's made it SO much nicer at my house and I discovered/remembered two things.. 1) It's not my job to remind him of things this important - if he can't keep this in his mind - than he can't... done. and 2) no matter what I do, or what I say or how I say it, he will interpret it in the very worst possible way. If I tell a joke (as I often do) he's far more likely these days to assume I'm being mean and sarcastic than just being the goof that is me - and... there's not a damn thing I can do about that.

And wow, that sounded like things weren't going well - but actually they're going pretty well. I continue to be filled with good emotional energy - I am surrounded and bolstered by new friends (please refer to a mirror as soon as possible) who in many ways, big and small, remind me of all the things that this roller coaster I've been on have slowly and maybe invisibly leached out of me - and that's a damn beautiful thing!! I so can't wait to see and squeeze each one of you in Chicago!!

a couple of pictures

2011-09-17T19:32:00.000-07:00

So... despite the fact that I am the undisputed queen of Plateauville I'm still in a good place and think I may be in a position to pass this fucking crown off to some poor unsuspecting slob one day in the near-ish future... Unexpectedly two pictures were taken of me (one by me) in the last week that did a hell of a job reminding me I'm doing just fine and I thought I'd share them with you.

This first one is from last Saturday at the wedding of some friends.

That's a friend of mine, Brett, with me.

And this one I took earlier today to show someone my new shirt

please note the Redskins' colors!!

In the wedding picture my hair is all kinds of fucked up crazy - but it totally doesn't detract from the fact that I think it's a great picture of me. And looking at the new shirt picture I have a hard time seeing the color, which is why I bought the shirt - really all I see are the girls in contrast to the rest of me. It's not a bad look. I'm pretty okay with what I look like right now and that's a damn good thing.

Note to self

2011-09-17T13:15:00.001-07:00

Do not eat fast, you fucking moron!! No matter how careful you think you're being. It Never. Ever. Ends. Well!!

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Owning me... it's a good thing

2011-09-13T06:45:00.000-07:00

This whole positivity thing that’s going around here.. that’s an amazing thing and really hitting a nerve with me right now.

You all have been watching me (and supporting the hell out of me for which I’ll never be able to adequately repay you) go through a rough year – and I’m certain there will be more roughness to come, but… I’m in this whole other place these days and both Barb’s post and Sandy Lee’s post yesterday really, really spoke to me. Helped me put into words things I’ve been feeling for a while now.

I feel good… right… confident… I’m not sure any of those words are the right ones – but I feel like I’ve honestly given all I can to fixing this marriage. And I’m still right here willing to keep giving it. I’ve been profoundly honest about what is and is not acceptable to me. I’ve not shied away from the really hard conversations about how things have affected me and what things I might need to do in the future to deal with that.

The thing is… maybe for the first time ever – I’m being completely true to me. I’m doing my very best to not cause harm to anyone else even though I know this will harm my children if I do end up leaving one day. But, I’m just owing… me. This is who I am, this is what I need, and this is what I want. Take me or leave me. I can give a hell of a lot and I’m absolutely willing to do so – but I’m not a mind reader and I’m no longer worried about that. I’m ready to be told (okay, I’ve been ready to be told for a lot of years) but I’m ready to be told what he needs and… and this is a big one – I’m ready to tell him no. I hope he can tell me what he needs and I hope they are things I’m prepared to give, but if they aren’t… well, they aren’t. And I’m completely okay with that.

I don’t feel like I’m in this big whole where there’s no way out. I feel really good about me. I feel really good about the things I’ve said, the things I’ve written and the things I’ve done. And there is a way out and it’s a place in which I can not only live, but I can thrive.

First I read Barb’s post called A Dose of Positive Energy is What I Need. And maybe she was ranting and venting about crappy Mondays – but that’s not what came through loud and clear – what came through is just how amazing our Barbara is. She’s out there finding her way, doing what’s right for her, living for the now, and most of all… owning herself. And it struck me fairly profoundly about how I’ve truly been working to stay open to the universe and open to what the world is saying to me and giving to me. Living in the moment and being ready to learn what I need to learn and accept the gifts I’m given. I think it’s this openness that’s really allowed me to find the peace I’d been missing in my life.

Barb had linked to Sandy Lee’s post called Emotional Energy. And well.. wow, that was a great post. The top part is sort of like an exercise that I think everyone of us could benefit from doing – but it was really the bottom part the got me - where she quoted the book The Emotional Energy Factor by Mira Kirshenbaum. I’m totally copying the quote from her blog (forgive me Sandy).

Here is what she says about Emotional Energy: It's an aliveness of the mind, a happiness of the heart, and a spirit filled with hope. Emotional energy has a specific feel. It's a sense of being up, happy, forward looking, resilient, feeling young, feeling open, feeling your juices flow, being in touch with the loving, creative, generous, hopeful parts of yourself. People who have emotional energy give to the people they love, rise to difficult occasions, and are able to make decisions to change the parts of their life that aren't working for them. Emotional energy means you can ride out any storm and your core of grace, happiness, and strength won't be touched.

My first thought upon reading that was… okay whoa. But then it morphed into – Yes!! Yes damn it! That’s exactly it. That’s what I’m feeling, that’s where I am. Apparently I’ve got lots of emotional energy at the moment. I sure as hell hope it’s gonna stick around for a while!!

And while I have no way of predicting the future – I suspect this place I find myself living in these days will also help me get off this ~~huge fucking~~ little plateau I’ve been living on for the better part of this past year. But even this.. (and if this isn't a sure sign of the state of my emotional energy I don't know what is) isn’t killing me. I’m looking at this plateau as part of what I need to learn from the world. Perseverance, toughness, patience – none of those things are bad things to learn more about.

My wish for all of you is to find your emotional energy!!! And I totally recommend going over to Sandy Lee's blog and thinking about what her post is telling us.

Oh and for those of you with perverted minds like me... "Owning me" is also not a bad thing!!

BYOC!!! Bring Your Own Crazy!!

2011-09-09T09:53:00.000-07:00

Let’s do BYOC – Bring Your Own Crazy. We answer 5 questions in an effort to get to know each other better and to give our blog brains a break. Copy to your own blog and ENJOY!

1. Do you drink coffee? Decaf or regular? Cold or hot? If not – what’s your go-to morning drink?

I don't drink coffee. I hate coffee. I hate the smell of coffee. I think, once, I smelled a single cup of coffee that probably had more sugar, milk and caramel and chocolate than coffee that I didn't think smelled like something died in it - but that's about it.

That said... I used to drink a single large cup every day. I hated it, but I wanted the cafeinne. I thought it tasted like shit. I tried it with milk and thought it tasted like milky shit, then I tried it with sugar and I thought it tasted like sweet shit, so I just stuck with black and the straight shit flavor that I was so used to. And then... I got pregnant with my first child and gagged every time I got even a whif of it. I'd be in meetings and my eyes would be watering even after I'd gotten everyone to move their cups as far away from me as possible. Once I had the baby, it no longer made me gag, but I've never had so much as a drop since then. I can't stand the flavor of it in anything. I do like the idea of coffee, however, very much.

For years, I switched to a single big cup of tea but in the last few years I've switched again to Chai latte. I have one every morning. I now use the "slightly sweet" version of Oregon Chai and it's 162 calories and 8g of protein and it's my breakfast every morning. (unless I feel compelled to add a splash or two of cream so it tastes like dessert - but since that makes it more calories I only do that every ~~single fucking day~~ once in a while.)

2. What are your top six characteristics in a partner if you could hand pick them. And just for kicks – if you’re in a relationship – after you make the list of six – does the person you are with possess all five?
fun and funny
honest
be attentive to my needs/able to express his own
a good father
able to show and accept love (as Draz said - to love without fear)
trustworthy/dependable

Um.. Brad is funny and can be fun though I've not given him the opportunity for that in a while. He used to be the most honest and moral human I'd ever met - it's not true anymore, at least not for me. He's a very, very good father. He takes offense when people say things like... "a mom can tell when their kid is such-and-such..." he'll say - "yes, they can and so can I" (he usually doesn't add, god damn it! at least not aloud). He is completely incapable of loving without fear - this is the crux of our issues - he can neither show it nor accept it. His mother fucked him up so profoundly I want to take her out back and shoot her dead. If we're talking about practical matters - he's extrodinarily trustworthy and dependable, if we're talking about my heart, not so much.

3. I’m going to pick a person – not knowing if this person even exists in your life – and you try to describe this person in 5 short words or sentences:

Paternal grandfather

At 93 he's the only grandparent I have left
Patient and kind
loving
he doted on my grandma and she was not an easy woman to live with
he still bowls, and drives though I've seen him back into my sister's house, he loves SWEET white German wine

Oops, was that more than 5?

4. What’s your signature item? Color? Piece of clothing or jewelry? Accessory? You know – that one thing people know you will ALWAYS have on?

Um... I don't know that I have one. Is that bad? The first thing that popped in my head was my hair - always red and always a little crazy. I do always wear earings... so maybe that?? In the summer I almost always wear an anklet. Orange is my favorite color and so people are never surprised when I'm wearing it. In fact, I just bought a short orange skirt that I think I'm going to wear to the drag show in Chicago.

5. Repeat question: Summarize your week in real life and in blog life.

Real life has been ok. Some ups and some downs. Teddy has had some completely unintentional one liners that have left me speechless. Unfortuantely I've never had a pad of paper handy so I could write it down and share it with you - but I swear I've been shaking my head at him all week long. OH OH OH... Guess what?? Our long national nightmare is finally over... FOOTBALL IS BACK!! And and and I got tickets to the Ravens/Steelers game on Sunday and I'm taking Jackson my little onery Steelers fan and he is so beyond excited!! I took Teddy to his first NFL game last season - we saw the Redskins on a Sunday night game - and it was just so wonderful to watch it through his eyes. So I'm very excited to take Jack to his first as well. It will be a completely different experience with Jack because they are such different kids - but I'm beside myself excited - both to go to the game period - but to be able to take Jack - woo hoo!!

Blog life - I'm getting there - slowly but surely I'm making my way through the 2011 fun facts for the Chicago bound woman - all of them are completely entertaining! I have to take a head shot for Lynda - so I'm feeling a little delinquent - but other than that - all is good! Where are we??? 20 days ish? woo hoo!

More brain farts....

2011-09-07T16:46:00.000-07:00

Just about everyone east of the Mississippi has been getting rained on in the last few days because of Lee – that is one big ass storm.

I threw my back out this weekend – well that’s not true – I didn’t do a damn thing and yet, my back is out. I wish a had a good story to go with this, but alas I do not.

I drank a tremendous amount of gin and tonics and wine this weekend… is it related to the bullet above??? Perhaps?

I have been reading Angela's Repair and Renovation blog from the beginning and well 1^st of all, I’m in love. And 2^nd of all – I think she’s been spending some time in my brain. She's learned, or at least seems to have a handle on all the same kinds of things I'm still working through - but the way she talks about those things is the same exact way I think about them - it was lovely and inspiring to read - and I'm not done yet!

My son, Ted.. well, I worry about that boy... It's a damn good thing he's cute (as I tell him all the damn time). Bless his heart, but he has the common sense of a pencil eraser. I guess it's a good thing he's book smart too, otherwise there would just be no damn hope.

I'm fairly sure I'm never going to lose another pound again and I'm just going to have to learn to live with my disappointment. Okay, perhaps it's that I need to work up to disappointment - I watch what I'm doing and it's just not good - choice wise in the food department - and I just keep doing it anyway. Keep doing what you've always done and you'll keep getting what you've always gotten. I believe I need a very small fill - like .1cc - but my doctor won't give fill less than .5cc and I'm sure I wouldn't be able to swallow my own spit with that size fill. So I need to get off this very well padded ass and do something about it.

There's a FillCenter USA about 45 minutes from my house - is there anyone out there with experience with them??? Will they give small fills?? Will they actually listen to the patient's wishes and thoughts, or at least take them into account??

I made homemade egg noodles tonight, (thanks Camille) and while they were too salty, I'd give myself a solid B+ for my first attempt. You cook them in chicken stock and eat it sort of as a stew - think dumplings sort of - wow - yum!

Did everyone read all about International Gilly day??? Tell me how you're celebrating!!

BYOC!!! Bring Your Own Crazy!!

2011-09-02T09:23:00.000-07:00

BYOC – Bring Your Own Crazy….5 little questions we ask to get to know each other better and to give our blogging brains a break. Copy and paste to your own blog and enjoy!

1. If you have a camera and have the time – take the contents of your purse out – and take a picture of said contents and explain them. If you don’t have time or a camera – please describe the contents of your purse.

This question totally entertained me and I’m not at all sure why. Of course the fact that I recently changed purses so there’s less shit inside probably helps….

I have no idea what I can't make that picture turn around the way I want it, but eh... Here goes.

There's my kindle - and I think I may be turning into a convert. I've had the kindle for a while and I like it, but I've maintained that I like actual books better, but I think that might be changing... the bookshelves in my house would sure be happy about that. My glasses for when I'm reading at lunch. Afrin and a bottle of ibuprofin - I don't go anywhere without them even if I'm not using afrin I always have it with me just in case. And should you need advil while we're in Chicago, there's a very good chance I'll have some with me. On the right side of the picture are the set of keys that have all my store discount cards on as well as my office keys and I'm thinking one of those keys might be my house key, but I've never used it. It's attached to the door opener thingy from my CRV that was totalled 3 or 4 years ago. Apparently I'm not yet over it. A cute little umbrella in case it rains. A notebook where I'm trying to write down what I eat - it's a start, we'll see how that goes. On the notebook is a nail file, a pen, a sunscreen stick to keep Jackson's scar well doused, and some Burt's bees lip color. Then there's my car keys, my old beat up wallet, and a little snack sized ziploc baggie in which I brought the charging cable for the Kindle into work yesterday. So there you have it. Oh and usually my cell phone's in there too and a bottle of water - both of which were otherwise occupied. :)

2. Repeat question: I’m going to pick a person not knowing if you have a relationship with this person or if the person even exists and you try to describe the person in 5 words or short sentences.

• Your kindergarten teacher

Seriously Draz? Kindergarten??? I’m 45 years old, I barely remember to change the toilet paper roll and you want me to comment on my kindergarten teacher. Um… Her name was Mrs. McVey (I think) and I’m damn impressed I pulled that out of my ass. The truth is I don’t remember many details from when I was young at all – I think I was just ignoring the world or something – perhaps I was aloof even back then?? Anywhoo… yeah. That’s all I’ve got. I do remember my first grade teacher, how about that one. Her name was Ms. O’Leary

Bitch

Loved me

Racist cunt

Pulled hair out of Eugene Nater’s head

Thought little black girls had been raised well if they said ‘yes ma’am’ and ‘no ma’am’ to her. Neither I nor any of the other little white girls needed to say ‘yes ma’am’ and ‘no ma’am’ we had a free pass on good manners due to our skin color. I learned a lot of things in her class – a lot about how shitty and unfair people can be.

And just to continue – I have no idea who any of my other elementary school teachers were. I think I had Mrs…. Um.. Mrs. Something I don’t remember but I can picture her and she was the mother of people I went to high school with and my sister had her too for two years because the teacher jumped from one grade to another and my sister was so thrilled to be able to get her again – but.. yeah, no idea what her name was either. So apparently it was only Mrs. O’Leary that made an impression on me.

3. What’s your favorite guilty pleasure / trashy TV show you like to watch?

I wish I watched more TV because I always enjoy it when I do – okay not always, but it’s a great thing – it can make you think and laugh and cry and everything in between – and totally forget about what’s going on in your real life – but I don’t watch very much. But.. I love Castle, though I’m about a season behind, I am working to catch up. My very favorite show that I try to watch when it comes on (though I didn’t succeed for even one episode this year) is So You Think You Can Dance. I love love love that show. But it took me about 3 weeks after it was over this season to finally catch up and find out who won (though of course I’d already predicted it). I also watch American Idol though I hate all the audition shows – I only like it once they get to Hollywood. I used to love Bones but then they had a season finale where the whole show was a dream sequence just so we could see them as a couple where they were kissing and whatnot. It pissed me off so bad as such lame TV that I didn’t watch the show again for two seasons – I just couldn’t stomach it. I’ve started watching it a little this year. OH OH OH, I love the show Rizoli and Isles – fantastic!! (please ignore the fact that I haven’t yet watched a single episode from this season – I have them all taped and I WILL watch them all.

4. A lot of you told me about your first day of school experiences when I posted about how my 5 year old going to kindergarten wasn’t causing me too much heartache. So now I’m officially asking – tell me about one of your first day of school experiences that sticks out in your mind the most. Who put you on the bus? Did you ride the bus? Did your parents take pics? Did they walk you into school? Drive you there? Cook you breakfast?

Okay – first I was thinking I had to write about my own experience as a kid and um… yeah see question 2 above. My memory absolutely does not extend to any first days of school.. So I’ve a complete blank on that – I assume I got there as I remember Mrs. O’Leary, but that’s it. But then Draz talked about their ritual with her own kids and I can do that one…

In the days leading up to school I work with the boys to get their supplies ready which they gleefully do each year. We discuss what clothes they will wear (even though they are boys – there are important decisions to make.) Jackson wore his rugby jersey and Teddy debated wearing shorts to school for the first time in 4 years – he ended up deciding against it. I think he’ll wear them at some point this year, we’ll see.

In the morning they were both up by themselves (this is completely the norm for Jack and a very pleasant surprise for Ted). Ted continued to surprise us by completely taking care of himself – got himself breakfast (this is a dead shocker) he totally wanted to show us how mature and capable he is. He fed himself, got himself ready and got himself out to the bus stop all by himself, completely on time. (I kept a close eye on him to make sure he did – but he did it all on his own!! YAY!!). Ted was my responsibility and Jack was Brad’s. So Brad took (as is the tradition in our house too Draz) Jackson to morning care before school, though not as early as he begged to go. Jack wanted to get there when it opened at 7am. Um no. He loves morning and after care. Loves loves loves. I swear to god that’s going to be the hardest transition for him next year in middle school when he just comes home on the bus. But, Brad got up and got him ready and fed him and took him and got him settled at school and he was thrilled about it all. We totally forgot to take pictures which we do each year with both boys on the stairs with their back packs. We’ll have to do that this weekend. It’s fun to look back and see how they’ve grown over the years.

5. Repeat question: Summarize your week in real life and in blog land.

Real life has been fine. Busy, busy with the beginning of school and yes… sports started back up – only one for each kid thank god. Ted is doing soccer and he has a new coach who seems a wee bit anal retentive and… um… maybe set in his ways. We’ll see how it goes. And OMG my neighbor who is a friend of mine – but is the single most control freak know it all I know. (I completely ignore or laugh at those parts of her, but she bugs the crap out of most people) – has somehow become the team mom. I mean seriously… team mom?? We haven’t had a team mom on a sports team in several years, not even Jack’s teams have them anymore. It went out of style as they got old enough not to need a snack after each game, I think. But.. we’ve gotten 4 emails from her today alone about 1 stupid thing after another. Brad and I had been commenting that from the coach’s emails he seemed like a pain in the ass, but.. eh as long as Ted is happy we don’t really care. But then, now with the barrage of emails from Lisa – it’s clear she’s going to be the bigger PITA than he is. Oh well… Jack had his first flag football practice last night and came home and collapsed on the sofa saying there wasn’t a place on his body that didn’t hurt. I would have thought all that running in rugby would have prepared him for football… I think he must have not had enough to eat (which would be something Brad might have forgotten to take care of) we’ll see how that one goes too!

In blog life – OMG I am trying to read each and every person’s BOOB’s survey thingy. I loved doing it and I’m loving reading them all – but you all just keep blogging away and so when I get to someone’s blogs of course I want to read all the posts I’ve missed in addition to the survey and well… it’s slow going. But I’m on a mission – I will find them all!! I’m getting excited, how about you??

Just another glimpse into my neurosis....

2011-09-01T13:11:00.001-07:00

So… I have this problem about getting overwhelmed by how much shit there is to do so I will either do nothing or try to do it all which of course means I finish nothing.

I have all these things I want or need to do in my house and it’s just too much for me to wrap my head around – I can’t figure out what to do first. And OMG people who start shit and then don’t finish it – they are the kind of people who get on my last damn nerve – and if you saw my son’s room, or any number of other things you’d know that I am on my own last damn nerve every damn day right now.

So I finally decided I would just pick a point in my house and slowly and systematically work around the house, room by room. The idea was that I would go to a room and determine what needed to be done in order for it to be just like I want it to be – or a reasonable facsimile thereof.

Okay – wait – here’s the background.. sort of… When I decorate my house for Christmas.. I LOVE IT! All the colors work together, the high ceilings are perfect and every little thing flows wonderfully into the next. I just love it. But the rest of the year… meh. It’s fine. The bones are the same and they’re wonderful bones. The wall colors are great. But… meh. It doesn’t flow and it just isn’t an accurate reflection of who we are in the same way the house is during the holiday season. Part of this was because we have children and they are small little spawn of satan who suck the life and time right out of you and who… oh wait, off track there. They used to have their toys all over the damn place on the main floor and we have extremely open floor plan so from just about any spot you can see just about any other spot on the whole first floor – so that Nerf sword that was left near the piano – well it bugs the shit out of me no matter where I’m standing. So I didn’t spend a lot of time trying to make it my own because I was incapable of competing with Nerf. (I had to make choices when I had kids and Nerf won.) So… we finished the basement and banished the kids and their toys downstairs and life is better. This has created great relief but… well… now I need to make it my own.

So.. back to the story… we got some new grown up furniture, and sent the older beat up stuff downstairs with the kids. That was step 1. Now I need to sort of decorate the rest. And this is something I’m good at – but it’s too much for my poor little brain and it stops me cold. So.. really back now… I decided to start in the sunroom and work room by room around the house. (I’m ignoring that my son’s room has yet to be put back together after having painted it several weeks ago.)

So.. the sunroom needs the school supplies organized into the desk, and all the cool weather stuff that Brad got me for Christmas needs to be installed on the deck instead of sitting on the edge of the couch. And there needs to be a new low bookcase under the bar. I’ve looked for the bookcase and I can’t find one that’s the right size and shape and color. No problem, I’ll build one. I’ve built them before. I’ll love doing that! But… what if I start building it and then leave it half built there in the middle of my kitchen? Holy shit, I’d have to kick my own ass. And so it goes. Nothing is getting done cuz I haven’t gotten around to going to the hardware store to buy the wood for the god damn bookcase. Please just shoot me.

2011 BOOBs fun facts

2011-08-30T19:16:00.000-07:00

Hello bloggers!

Can you believe it's only 29 days away? Time sure does fly! In an effort to get to know each other even mooooore we have a little questionnaire for you. If you are so inclined (c'mon - be inclined!) copy these questions onto your own blog to answer. Go crazy and steal the image above too!

If you don't feel comfortable answering some questions like when your flight arrives because you have a stalker, don't worry your pretty little head about it. We only ask to help pair up people that would like to share a cab, a shuttle, a few laughs, etc. If you like, you can email your info to us at bandofoutrageousbabes@gmail.com and we can let you know if anyone else is traveling near your time too.

Title: BOOBs 2011 Fun Facts!

1. How did you pick your blog name?

I just answered that here in last week's BYOC.

2. When did you start blogging?

Wow, I had to look this one up... April 27, 2009 which was long before I had even thought about getting the lab band. I had some fits and starts and then I got the band and thought my doctor was an idiot and wished there was some support out there somewhere and then I had this moment - it was a cross between a duh moment and an aha moment and I said - holy shit, I bet there are people who blog about this shit out there and I started googling and never in my wildest dreams did I think I'd possibly find such an amazing community. I joined the community and really got going here on September 16, 2010.

3. Theme of blog (weight loss, family, circus clowns, sci-fi, erotica, fly fishing, doll collecting, star wars, etc)

While I did absolutely consider circus clowns and sci-fi erotica (all one category for me) I ended up on weight loss - I know, I know - it's old and boring... been there, done that.. Which is why I spice it up with stories about the length of my cervix. You can thank me later.

4. Did you go to BOOBs 2010?

I did not. I had just found the group shortly before it last year - and really, I'm shy enough that I needed a good few months under my belt before I would have considered ever going to a strange city to meet a bunch of strange women - but now.... OMG - I can not wait!

5. When were you banded?

July 2, 2010

6. How much have you lost?

Roughly 40 lbs since I had the band and 60ish pounds from my high.

7. What are you most looking forward to at BOOBs?

Meeting new people, being silly, getting laid (oops did that damn filter come off again), seeing people I've met again - just generally having fun and being surrounded by a group of people who get it - where there's none of "that" pressure.

8. What/who do you hope to find/see/accomplish at BOOBs 2011?

Um... Yeah, I've got nothing on this one. I just hope to have fun, to be accepted, to not get so drunk that I am too hungover the next day - it's a balancing act.

9. Children? Pets?

2 boys; Ted just turned 13 - holy shit, and Jackson is 10.5 And an idiot of a barking dog named Bandit, 2 hamsters, and 7 fish.

10. Who is your roomie?

I have the very best roomies! Linda and Rhonda. I know you're all jealous, as well you should be. If you're really nice to me, I might let you sit near me which will put you near them.

11. What day do you arrive?

Thursday

12. What airport/flight/time?

Midway at 10:15

13. What events are you signed up for?

The drag show and dinner and the rest I'm going to just be hanging loose - perhaps velcroed to Gilly when possible - I'm hoping she'll motorboat me - can that be a verb used like that??

14. Hobbies?

Yup. I really wanted to leave it at that, but just can't. I make jewelry - and really have this bad habit of deciding I'm going to do some new hobbie - and I run out and buy all there is to buy and then do it - until I know I'm brilliant at it and then I never touch it again. I am prepared at any time to scrapbook the hell out of things, make a basket, make a clock, create sculpture out of a variety of media, reupholster furniture, sew clothes, make pillows, build furniture - you name it and I've probably tried it.

15. Career?

I'm a controller for a manufacturing company

16. Single? Married? In a relationship?

no, yes, and hopefully very soon

17. Your birthday month?

May, of course - it's the very best. I'm a Taurus.

18. What do you want other BOOBs to know about you?

Well geez. I think I kind of throw up all about my damn life; cervix, vibrators, and all. I do want you all to know that I swear to god I am not the debbie downer that I seem to be recently. This is just an odd time in my life and it is what it is - It's hard for me to censor out the bad just because that's not my normal stuff - but I swear I'm usually... well not miss suzie sunshine cuz i'm way to crass for that - but much closer to suzie than debbie.

Anyway - I am wildly excited about every bit of it and can't wait to meet each and every one of you!!

Hey all, it seems people keep talking about refocusing...

2011-08-29T11:13:00.000-07:00

And isn't that a great idea? There are only 30 days to Chicago - woo hoo. Anyone else out there as excited as I am? I was talking to some lovely friends of mine about how hard this whole losing weight thing is. I mean, sure, we all know what we have to do and yet we all struggle to varying degrees at varying times. My excuse has consisently been my marriage falling apart. I'll be doing just fine for a while and then we'll have some seriously emotionally draining interaction and all my good intentions fly right out of the window as I desperately look for something to cram into my mouth... yeah - I know - very, very healthy habits I've got there.

As I'm sure is true with many of you, when I'm in an overall stronger, less emotional, state, I am much more likely to run to the treadmill or outside to take a walk - but when I'm not - it's just so easy to say - well shit, life sucks, I might as well make it suck even worse by eating a small horse while on the way to pick up a small cow.

All that shit being said - I'm oddly feeling more in control these days. I feel like we hit a new low recently in our marriage - nothing so earth shattering as a big fight or anything - just a calm revelation from my husband that makes me more than anything want to drive to New York and inflict lots of pain on his idiot mother - but alas there would be no more blog fodder from her so I'll refrain. Why this makes me more calm and in control I'm not sure. Maybe I'm just more ready to move on with whatever's next. I'm still not leaving, but I'm definitely interested in making it more specifically official that we have an open marriage. Another oddity - we've been getting along much better in our day to day lives - which is a wonderful thing. Of course I think he probably interprets that as all is well in our world but that's not something I can control.

So - I've completely gotten off track here - my point is focus. I have a wedding I am going to in two weeks and a cute dress that might be cuter if I were 5 or so lbs lighter. I'm working to not put pressure on myself as I know I can always go find another dress! And then 2 weeks after that is CHICAGO woo hoo. Did I mention I'm excited about this? So I've committed to be more accountable; I believe I've said this before - and yes, I suck sometimes (very well so I've been told). So I'm going to be texting poor Gilly every single damn day with my weight and I'm hoping I'll call her when I might be freaking out and on the way to get the small cow (like say tomorrow evening right after our counseling session) so she can talk me down off the ledge!

Anyway - what's your plan??

BYOC Bring Your Own Crazy!!!

2011-08-26T08:09:00.000-07:00

Oh my goodness I totally missed that it was Friday - phew!!

BYOC – Bring Your Own Crazy – 5 little questions you can copy and paste to your own blog in an effort to get to know your fellow bloggers better and to give your blogging brain a break.

Enjoy!

1. What is your blog theme and how did you pick your blog name?

Well... I guess the theme is supposed to be about weight loss - but I'm not so big on being a one note wonder. I've always thought the best, most interesting blogs talk about the person not just the journey - so like it or not that's what I throw out there. The name was originally My Trek Down - and I created it before I had even really thought about getting a band - I think of weight loss as a journey; a trek if you will. One not for the feint of heart - not a nice slow little walk down a flat, paved, path - but a trek - think Himalayas or some other such big 'ol climb - And thus "My Trek Down" was born. Only I was stupid and I accidentally connected it to my family blog which I absolutely did not want to do - so as soon as I realized that I unconnected it - but of course My Trek Down was already taken (and yes now I know how I could have worked around that, but then I didn't - I did mention I was stupid - were you paying attention) so I changed the name to My Trek Downward - and ta-da... here we are.

2. Repeat question: I’m going to name a person not knowing anything about this person in your life or even if they exist and you need to try to describe them in five words/phrases.

Female neighbor two homes/doors down to the left

Oh how fun!!!! Her name is Alicia
Wonderful mom
former high school math teacher
Sweet as hell
Absolutely wonderful
the perfect neighbor - can call her to help any time, for any thing!!

(if you remember the snake story where I had to get some poor neighbor to come and kill it for me - it was her husband - they are just about the best!!!)

3. Which do you hate more? Spiders or snakes. Elliptical or treadmill. Hannah Montana or Lindsay Lohan.

Snakes! I don't really like either - but Jack HATES spiders with such a powerful vengeance that I have had to just deal with them since he was born and I guess I'm a teeny tiny bit desensitized now whereas snakes - I still squeal like a little girl.

Definitely the elliptical - but... I want one - I want to conquer it - because it pisses me off that I swear I can't last 5 minutes on one. I hate when I look like a wimpy little girl. (apparently I have a thing against little girls today - I was never one, so I'm entitled).

Oh definitely Hannah Montana. I just think she's useless. At least Lindsay Lohan has provided me with entertainment over the years. Not to mention it was totally her in NY!!

4. Completely selfish question…I need a dress for Chicago…keep in mind I live in Podunk so the options of physically going into a vast array of stores is VERY limited. (thank God for the internet) When you need something fancy/a dress – what is your go to store and why?

Wait? What? We need a fancy dress for Chicago - oh good God. Okay fine.

I have no idea where to get such a thing. And how fancy are we talking?? Obviously, I'll be reading all the answers here and on Draz's, and everyone else's blogs to find out!!

5. Repeat question: How was your week in blog land and in real life?

Blog world has been good. It's been slower which has been good for me as I've been first at the comic-con and now on vacation - so for me personally the pace is good - call me selfish!!

Real life has been good. It started with the east coast earthquake which was kind of fun as far as those things go and is ending with a hurricane. We're heading home from vacation tonight which is a couple of days early but where we are will be getting slammed tomorrow and it just makes sense to ride it out at home vs here. We're an hour inland so there's no serious danger other than trees down and power outages - but nothing will be opened over the weekend so we're getting the hell out of dodge before we get stuck here. Jackson is sick this morning (throwing up sick) which could have started in his head (worry about the hurricane, or the dog, or fear of roller coasters or.... you just never know) or body - so he and I stayed back in the apartment we're renting while Brad and Ted headed to Bu*sh G*ardens. I'll get us all packed up while they're gone and Jack sleeps and we'll head home tonight about 12 hours-ish before the hurricane hits.

Hope all of you are well!!! AND only 33 days left to Chicago - woo hoo!!!

A quick update

2011-08-24T20:18:00.000-07:00

Hey all... remember me??

Let's catch up, shall we? Last weekend was the Balt* imore Comic*-con that Brad helps organize. In the end I went and took the kids with me and we all stayed downtown in a 3 room suite (cuz apparently Brad is a big wig sometimes) in a great hotel. I totally cold have lived in that suite - and quite a few of you could have joined me and we all would have been very happy.

The boys had a great time, all three of them. It was a little sad for me because it was the first year I truly had no role. There were a few things I helped with, and I absolutely walked around and problem solved as I'm very good at that - but there were times I left and went back to the hotel and I wasn't missed and that was sad - sort of like a big sign of a difference.

But - it was so so so amazing to watch Jack at the show. He was so very comfortable there. He walked around like he owned it. It's been so long to see him so completely comfortable like that - It was so worth every bit of what I didn't like about it to have been able to watch him there. He headed wherever he wanted and got sketches from artists he liked - he worked the lines, was always polite and helpful and was all around wonderful and had a wonderful time.

Teddy had "owned" the show for a few years now. And this year even more so. He helped at the airport on the first day as all the guests came to town. Helping with their luggage, and getting them to the shuttles that got them down town. We got a lot of very nice complements about both of our boys from a lot of people who didn't know them and to a parent as most of you know, that's a beautiful thing!!!

Once the show was over we got home and washed and packed and then headed down to William*sburg. Oh but wait - first we got to feel the earthquake before we left - which was totally cool - it's my first. Of course now we're in the path of Hurricane Irene. We're far enough inland that we're not in real danger - but we may very well lose power down here - we've bought some flashlights and a cooler for our food - and made a tentative hotel reservation for Sunday in case heading back home on Sunday doesn't make any sense. I guess it'll depend on whether or not it ends up heading up the bay - which it looks less likely that it will.

Oh wait - I forgot... on Tuesday morning I got the IUD inserted in me. That wasn't too bad, but she had a hard time getting the inner opening of my cervix to open she said "I had to really lean on it"... oh good, that's why I'm in this pain. So begins the end of my horrendous periods and the fear of possible future pregnancy - both very good things.

But then on Wednesday I swear I've been totally wiped out today - all day long. I'm assuming it's a delayed reaction to the crazy weekend coupled with someone shoving something up inside me. OH.... and.. I get there, I'm in the stirrups and I say - Wait! I need to tell you to use the extra long speculum - and she says I see that noted here in your chart, but I just can't believe that. It's so big, so long. I think it's horrendous and I don't even have on in my room. Yeah, yeah, yeah, okay but Nicole (my doctor) always goes through three different ones before she ends up using the big one - and I swear to you it doesn't bother me - just go get it. No, I just can't - I'll use the normal one. She shoves it home and says - okay - you are really long in there - I need the big one. yeah yeah yeah - whatever.

Anyway she gets it in there and is telling me how I have to reach in and check these little strings inside me once a month to make sure it's still in there but then she pauses... Do you have long fingers? Um, no. I hold up my perfectly normal sized fingers. Okay, you may not be able to reach the strings - you'll never know if it's still in there till you come in once a year. Oh good. LOLOL

Anyway - so - tomorrow is Wat*er Coun*try and the next day is Bus*ch Gard*ens and we'll do the old part of town in there at some point. I'm laying big money on the fact that my kids will not have school on Monday because of the Hurricane, but we'll see.

I hope everyone's well! (Oh and I'm tight as hell - which I NEVER EVER am. I'm still thinking it's stress and I'm really trying to own it!)

I love you all!

Yahoo Messenger

2011-08-17T19:00:00.000-07:00

I typed it that way so it wouldn't come up if someone was searching for it but....

So, I love IMing with my friends on M*essenger and it's been more and more fun as I've been able to add BOOBs to my "friend" list on Yahoo and then been able to easily chat with them at night when we both happen to be online.

With other groups I belong to sometimes we get a group chat going and it's totally fun, though I haven't done that in a while. But I say this because well I don't love chatting on Face*book as the font is just too small for these old eyes.

So this is my not remotely subtle plea to to come and play with me on M*essenger. My Y*ahoo name is shadoof41.

And just to amuse myself I'll tell you where the name Shadoof comes from. Once upon a time I was away on spring break with some sorority sisters and we were playing drunken Balderdash. If you don't know the game it involves making up definitions to obscure words and then someone having to pick the correct one. The word was shadoof and one of the definitions that was read aloud for it was... and I quote... "Read's twatty". Needless to say that was my sorority nickname from that day forward! There are still a fair number of people who call me Shadoof to this day.

If you do friend me - please tell me you're a boob and if you need directions on how to - just send me an email or comment here and I'll help you through it!

I can only handle so much temptation... so sue me

2011-08-16T18:09:00.000-07:00

Well... I'm being accountable. And it's not my best work. I had a great day yesterday liquids on day 1 of the pouch test. I had a great day today (day 2 of liquids) until I left for work... no that's not true. it was until I left the marriage counselor. I went by myself as Brad was unavailable and it was good and all - but... you know... I was a little raw afterwards (can someone please tell me what's wrong with the spelling of afterwards?? Is it not a word? Is it two words?? This is what I say yet when I spell it - I'm told I'm a moron - please help) - okay, maybe a lot raw.

The place is quite near my sister's house and I sat at a light and debated - do I go to her house, or do I go home. I had a plan for dinner at home, but I definitely needed some down time - some processing time before I went home to my husband and kids. At my sisters are my freaking adorable nieces, not to mention my sister who I like very much - but she will try to feed me and she and her husband both are very, very good cooks.

But, in the end it was traffic that made my choice. I got out of the appointment right at rush hour and the main road to my house was MOBBED!!! So I decided to stay down where I was and go visit the sister. Do you know what that little bitch was doing when I got there??? I bet you can't guess. She was just pulling out of the oil, home made thick french fries. She told me she'd been working to perfect them. Bitch. I said no. I'm not going to have any. Then we got to talking about the appointment and some other stuff and.. I had a fry. They were indeed perfect. I had even told her, I don't want any cuz then I'll want a lot. Well, I was right. I wanted a lot. Luckily I wasn't able to consume very many - I seem to have found the one thing that effects my band - stress. Then my B-I-L came home and Jesus God he whipped up these hot pork loin and cheese sandwiches in the time it took me to blink twice. I had totally hit my limit - my.. "if I have one more morsel of anyfuckingthing I will puke" limit and then S (BIL) says, no Read, you've got to try this - it's to die for. No, S. I'm good, it looks wonderful, but no thanks.

What does the little bastard do? He completely ignores me. He cuts one of the sandwiches in half and puts it on a plate and pushes it to me. Come on, it's soooo good, you've got to give it a try. Here, he pours ketchup (of all things) on the plate. It's even better with ketchup. Knowing S as I do I was confident this would continue until I had at least one bite - so... I dutifully dipped a corner in the ketchup and took perhaps the smallest bite in the history of the world while I prayed I wouldn't accidentally swallow any of it. I chewed and chewed and chewed and waited an appropriate amount of time before I excused myself, all the while keeping the liquefied very, very yummy sandwich bite in my mouth and headed for the bathroom to spit it out. Have you guys ever done that??? I decided it was a new threshold for me - one I'm not sure I'm proud of or horrified by - LOL.

Anyway - it wasn't enough and I puked a bit anyway - oops. Oh well.. But really the bigger problem was - the damn had been breached. I was now in the - I want to shove some food at my rawness place. So when I got home - what did I have?? But the crack my husband bought last night. I have not once bought those horrific little crack light potato flakes since I talked about it a while ago - and last night out of the blue Brad brings home an industrial sized box. I was like... are you fucking kidding me - that's crack to me. He immediately hid the box from me, which was good - but when I asked for it tonight he said - do you really want it? um, yes. yes I do. I said. And well... now I feel sick. But wait - I'm going downstairs and dumping the rest of that god damn shit in the trash can so I can't be tempted again because clearly I'm weak..... Okay - done - they're gone now.

sigh.

The start of accountability

2011-08-15T06:03:00.000-07:00

Hey all!

I'm totally copying off of Tessie Rose (okay, well there are many of you who've absolutely stepped up your efforts of late, but the specific idea of serious accountability - that's from her).

I've been in this rut of my own making for entirely too long and I'm just done with it. The easy go-to excuses that have been cropping up are all done with the bachelorette party having happened this weekend. So today's the day that I'm going to just suck it up and do what I need to do. I'm very loosely following a 30 day biggest loser book I have - but really only for the exercise portion. In the past I have worked well when I was just told what to do vs having to think too hard about it - so the book's plan has me working out 6 days a week at increasing intensity and as I've absolutely done what they're asking me to do (and more) and been able to sustain it - it seems like a good place to start.

As for the food part - I believe I'm going to go with following band rules stridently - as if this is my first 30 days after the band (well the first 30 days I could eat solid food) with weight watchers points as an outside limiting factor. There are still some hurdles in my immediate future, but I'm determined to do okay with them as well. The comic book convention is this weekend - and traditionally I've worked the entire show (for those who don't know I'm not a comic book person but my husband is and he is one of the organizers of the show). And while there is a lot of added incidental exercise in that I'm on my feet running around all day every day until I drop at night - there is not any time for other exercise and I'm just going to be fine with that for the weekend.

And we order in sandwiches every day (though I don't have anything to do with the orders specifically) for the staff - and they aren't horrible choices in general but it's not what I would have chosen - but.. I bought a bunch of Luna and Zone bars which are yummy and filling choices that I am planning on eating just before lunch arrives so I won't be tempted by the big yummy cookie that always comes with the lunches. :)

I'm going to skip the awards dinner so that one won't be a problem which leaves only 1 meal that will test my resolve which is the end of the event decompression dinner that we always have. It's always my favorite event as the staff gets together and has a nice meal somewhere and... well... decompresses. I'll just plan on doing my best - it's the fact that I know I'll be exhausted and sort of in that "OMG, I'm just so glad it's over I don't care about anything else in the world" kind of mood. But - I know I'll order fish as I always order fish when I'm out so that's a good start.

So.. I'll be reporting on my progress here to help keep me accountable. I'll also be keeping a log to track what I'm doing both food and exercise wise.

Oh and my plan is starting off with this 30 day plan which makes the 30th day 9/13. My long term intention is that this structure (which I always do better with) gets me back in the right frame of mind where I'm making the right food and exercise choices for the long haul again. And my intermediate intention is that well... 9/13 is just two short weeks before it's time to go to Chicago (YAY!!!) so I'll keep on the same uber structure until it's time to get on the plane. But the intention I'm working with on a daily basis is - it's 30 days people, I can handle anything for 30 days.

So... I'm starting off this week with the 5 day pouch test which I've done several times before and for me the best part of it is that it reminds me that *I* am in control of food, not the other way around. So today is liquids of the low carb variety (as is tomorrow) and I know I can do that! So... there it is - my plan of action. I'll keep you posted!

XOXO

BYOC!!! Bring Your Own Crazy!!

2011-08-12T08:02:00.000-07:00

There is NUSSING better than a Friday, is there?

Oh wait – yes there is. BYOC on a Friday! Or shoe shopping. With purses amuck. Or about a million other things BUT for right now I’ve got NUSSING but a little BYOC on a Friday – so take it or leave it!

BYOC – Bring Your Own Crazy – 5 questions you can copy and paste to your own blog if you so desire – in an effort to get to know your fellow bloggers better and to give your blog brain a break!

Enjoy!

1. I have to do some MAJOR cleaning tonight…which is prompting me to ask…what is the absolute worst thing you hate to clean or cleaning chore you hate the most? (vacuuming, dusting, laundry, toilets, floors, etc.)

Well, I'm pretty damn spoiled in that someone else does my toiletes though I'm not even sure if that would be my most hated - it's one of those things that is what it is - go in, get it done , get out (and never think about it again).... Although as I'm typing this... I do find it fairly frightening to even walk into my son's bathroom. They are boys... enough said. But to maybe actually answer the question asked - I hate hate hate hate to fold and put away laundry. I think it goes back to some deep seated resentment towards my mother and laundry that it would take a shrink many, many years to unravel - but that's the one. I don't mind washing and drying the clothes - it's the rest that kills me. I spent 2 hours just folding and putting away the damn stuff last night and I sort of had to block it out of my head what I was really doing - OH! And there was preseason football on - our long national nightmare is over - football is back!!! Woo Hoo!! That made it a little easier!

2. Brown or Black? Fly or Drive? Hot dog or Burger? Gold or Silver?
Um.. well I like both brown and black (and my mind isn't 100% on dirty things, I swear it's not). I LOVE to drive so I'd say drive, but once you hit about 5 hours or so driving distance - I can't be bothered and I'd just as soon fly. I don't really like either hot dogs or burgers. I do like a good turkey burger - one I make with sun dried tomato pesto and feta cheese.... yummmmm. Maybe for dinner tonight! And gold and silver??? I like them both - it depends on my mood.

3. Repeat question: I’m going to pick a person not knowing your relationship with them or even if a relationships exists – and you then try to describe that person in 5 short sentences/words.

Maternal Grandmother

Aaaahhhh Mo.
Fun
Fierce
playful
very strong
stoic

4. Even if you don’t have kids, how do you feel about kids in multiple sports during their school years? Were you in MULTIPLE sports all during school? Forced or by choice?

Our kids are always playing at least one sport throughout the entire year; soccer, flag football, basketball, baseball, rugby, swimming, ultimate frisbee. It's their choice, though I did strongly encourage Jackson to play baseball this past year because I thought the reason he didn't want to was bogus. He thinks of baseball as 'Ted's sport' and feels he could never live up to Ted so he doesn't want to play it - but the reality is a) you are your own person and if you enjoy a game you should play it if you want and b) he's a better natural athlete than Ted is and I was confident he'd do just fine and thought it would be a good idea for him to see that. He played and he loved it! and he did fantastically. He still loves flag football and rugby better (there's more running) and that's fine. I don't care if he ever plays again but other than that bit of urging we let them chose. We do limit them to two at any one time, though neither of them has ever wanted to do three. But really, when we have 2 kids playing 2 sports each - the logistics of 4 sports a week is almost more than 2 adults can manage. We much prefer when they are each playing one sport at a time for our own sanity - but we'll go to two if they really want to do it.

5. Repeat question: Summarize your week in real life and in blog land.

Blog land is totally fun. People are rocking the challenge - visiting friends - and just generally living life to the fullest - I'm loving it! Oh and now there's talk of sex toys and sex tours and maybe some live sex demonstrations all provided by Draz in Chicago - I'm thrilled to hear all this!!

Real life - is going along. Jack's been home for the last three weeks just playing with the neighborhood kids, which there are PLENTY - but I think he's (and I know Brad had) reached his "Camp Dad" limit. There is more bickering going on - but we'll survive! (the brunt is really on Brad). Teddy hurt is wrist playing goalie at soccer camp yesterday. I came home and he told me his wrist was fractured. Um... I don't think so. Mom! I swear it is! I know it is! Okay babe, can you bend your wrist, twist it? Show me what you can do. He proceded to move his wrist around in a circle and bent it up and down. I'm no doctor, so Camille, feel free to tell me I'm insane. But I told him nope, it's not fractured or that would have made you scream like a little girl, instead of just being uncomfortable. Not to mention there's no swelling or bruising or anything. I did tape it up for him this morning when he said it still hurt - but for now, we'll just let him play soccer and perhaps stay out of the goal and let his feet do the talking.

Hey... remember me?? (waving hands in air like a crazy person)

2011-08-10T07:55:00.000-07:00

Hello everyone, remember me???

So…. Sorry I’ve been hiding a bit. I’m mostly just a dork. Let’s see if I can catch you up, shall I.

So.. first of all… do you all notice that it truly is the little things that make all the difference in the world?

I must confess (and yes – this is a big ol’ excuse, I know that) but losing weight is very difficult in the middle of a major marital crisis. There are only so many balls I can juggle at any one time and while I’ve basically maintained during all this, I’ve found it hard to give eating right and exercising the energy and priority level it really needs. I see myself making much better choices in general – in small ways – but… over the long haul there aren’t enough of them.

But recently I feel that’s changing and it was just a little thing that seems to have pushed me in a better direction. I’ve had a few conversations recently, just a little back and forth exchanges in which I was reminded that *I’m* important. The me part of that. The world is much, much bigger than what’s going on inside my house, inside my marriage.

Who knows what the future holds, right? Nothing’s a guarantee. But I don’t have to be stuck in this wait and see mode. Will he or won’t he? Can he share and then get rid of his anger? Can he provide me with the things I need to feel loved and cared for? Who knows. But… that doesn’t mean I have to sit around and do nothing before I have my answer. I might not know for years, hell Jack’s getting better, but he’s still got a ways to go before I won’t believe that a split would break him. So I choose to move forward and put me first now. I’m still going to put in the energy to repair my marriage and it might even work, but as I’m only one half of the equation.. eh? We’ll see. But, I’m not going to be defined any longer by that.

On to my kids…

Every day Jackson says…. When my hamsters die can I get a new pet. Um.. maybe but they better not die of neglect!! Now he’ll say… When my hamsters die can I get a new pet and before you say anything I’m checking on the hamsters to make sure they have food and water every single day.

Bachelorette parties….

OMG!! I swear I missed the whole lesson entitled “this is what it’s like to be a girl” I’ve been muddling through all this time. Right now somehow I ended up in the position of planner for a bachelorette party and can I just tell you I’m out of my element here. Who knew there were all these rules and traditions? Not me!!

So first there’s a subset of people going to a spa in the afternoon. I swear to god getting these woman to schedule their shit at times that make sense gives a whole new meaning to the term “herding cats”. I totally understand what that means now! Good god!! I think that part is finally over, thank god! And now I’m looking forward to a lovely facial and an extra indulgent pedicure this Saturday.

Then we’re heading out for a night on the town in Baltimore. Starting at a bar, moving to a restaurant then a piano bar for singing then possibly a gay bar or two for dancing. Sadly for the straight, single women in the group (and me), the only really good dancing around here is in the gay bars. Aaaaah, it makes me a little wistful for my misspent youth… I spent a whole lot of hours dancing there back in the day.

Anyway – I was at this crab feast this past weekend and one of the attendees was there and she’s definitely a girly girl and I learned there are games to be played and things to be worn so we look like the group we are – and things for the bride to be to wear so people will buy her drinks… Geesh. Who knew?? Probably all of you, but I swear I had no idea. So now I’ve got a trunk full of pink beads and tiaras and blinking engagement rings and light up bride to be pins. Holy shit. It’s as if Barbie threw up in my trunk – bitch!

And – I have 10 pages of “I never” questions so we can play over dinner! I need to write them out on cards first, so they’ll be prettier but I’m expecting to be mighty drunk if you know what I mean!

Oh and speaking of the crab feast – it was my annual company picnic and there are always door prizes. And I win them more than my fair share and I hate it! I mean I love to win, but in the past few years our CEO has taken to channeling Monty Hall from Let’s Make a Deal. Your name gets drawn by some random 5 year old and you go up to the front of the room (I already hate it) and then you get to pick any of the remaining wrapped presents laid out on the table. Big and small boxes of all shapes and sizes. You can’t touch them, you just have to point. Then the dealing starts. “Read, can I give you $20 instead of the box?” No, I say. Because I can not possibly describe to you how truly awful this part of it is.

There are dud prizes up there. Like a flashlight and there are wonderful prizes like cameras and a Wii. So – you are up there making or not making a deal that will end up showing the world that you made a good or a bad decision. And the CEO LOVES it – he does his best to draw it out and be funny and put you on the spot (I know some of you are cringing right along with me here). I won last year too and I swear I blocked the whole thing out of my mind because I don’t remember what I won at all. But I go up there already deciding I will not take the deal – that I’m just going to say no to the money no matter how high he goes and hope that it will be over soon. So that’s what I did and…. I won a Wii! Which was totally cool!!! We already have one, but I’ve secretly been wanting another one that I could dedicate to WiiFit and now I have it!!

I’m still working my way through the blogs but I’m getting there. I’m in love with what Laura Belle said about rewarding herself after whatever… like 5 days of working out = shoes. This is how I’m going to do it too. I’ve so far managed to stay away from that shoe site that all of you are drooling over and losing your life savings to – but I know it’s only a matter of time.. 5 days of exercising later…..

Have a fun day today!!

I have a teenager... Ack!

2011-08-05T12:58:00.000-07:00

Okay look! I’m sick and tired of being Debbie downer over here. And Jesus God if I’m tired of it you all must be about to puke (sorry Draz). This is not who I am. In fact, last night I was at a friend’s house helping them get their wedding invitations stuffed and whatnot – well there was this woman there, named oddly enough Debbie, who was almost sickeningly positive. No matter what anyone said or did she immediately put a positive spin on it – it was very funny. Finally I told her I had to take her home with me because that much positive energy needed to be shared. She said – oh, I’m not that nice. And I said – I didn’t say you were nice, only that you were positive. (which was funny at the time). I continued on to say – I’m neither positive nor nice to which my friend immediately jumped in with – Hey! You are positive, always positive. She cocked her head and looked at me thoughtfully, you’re not nice, but you are positive. On the up side though, you’re funny when you’re being not nice. So… That’s all the proof I have to offer that I am in fact not a natural Debbie Downer. Oh and one more thing – I can’t tell you how much I appreciate all your love and support, it means more to me than I can begin to tell you – and I have no doubt at all that I’ll be begging for it again one day soon – but good God I’m ready to move on.

So.. shall we?...

First let’s talk about my son Ted. He’s turning 13 today. Oh holy God how the hell did that happen. And yes (Jenny) I also know how this occurred on a factual basis but… that boy is a teenager and he lives in my house. It’s wouldn’t be so bad if he wasn’t all hairy. I can’t get past it. People keep telling me my water bill’s gonna go up since he’ll be jerking off in the shower all the damn time now – and that doesn’t bother me. I hope he jerks off to his heart’s content. EXCEPT. He’s going to be doing it while his junk is all hairy. That’s my baby we’re talking about – it’s not okay that he has hairy junk. Who said that was okay???

Okay – but about my little man. Who’s now got at least two inches on his mama. (bastard). He’s turning into a delightful person. Here’s a recent conversation we had. He was talking about a girl he liked from camp (let’s not get me started on this whole girl crazy thing – geesh!).

Me: I thought she was very cute.

Him: She is

Me: I bet she was the cutest girl at camp. (I was totally trying to make him blush and get all embarrassed)

Him: (pondering the questions seriously) She’s cute, but she’s not the cutest girl there.

Me: Okay Ted, this is very important. Something that will serve you well for the rest of your life. No matter what you really think about that, as far as she’s concerned you think she’s the cutest girl in the world.

Him: (totally rolling his eyes at me). I know that mom (with a total I’m not stupid tone).

I left the bathroom where we were having this important conversation and had gotten half way down the hall when he popped his head out and said.

“Mom, you’re the most beautiful woman in the world.”

My boy’s no dummy!

For his birthday he keeps adding things to the list. But here it is as of the last time I looked:

-A big bike (12 speed) instead of the little one he has (totally reasonable)

-some inline skates (I love this idea, but there will no doubt be lots of cursing by me and moaning by him – my boy is not patient, especially about learning new things)

-a PS3 (uh.. no. I think we already have 286 gaming systems of one kind or another and we do not need anymore)

-some video games (of course he does)

-some legos (at least my little boy is still in there)

-a Lamborghini (sure, why not aim high)

-a lap top (cuz he thinks the computer he already has isn’t good enough – uh.. yeah, babe keep dreaming – not to mention I sure as hell don’t want him to have a computer he can hide away in his room with)

-a house (um, should I take this personally?)

I added to the list for him, one million dollars - (cuz why not? I figured he'd need the money to furnish this new house and keep him in legos and video games).

He told me he’d rather have the PS3 instead of the 1 million dollars (okay, I may have to reconsider my earlier comment about him not being a dummy) I pointed out to him that with the money he could buy his own PS3 and the laptop. Oooooh, yeah.

Obviously we still have some work to do.

BYOC!!! Bring Your Own Crazy!!

2011-08-05T10:15:00.000-07:00

It’s Friday so you know what that means here in Care Bear Land!

Yup, it’s time for BYOC – Bring Your Own Crazy!!!!!

We answer a few questions in an effort to get to know each other better and

to give our blogging brains a break.

Copy to your own blog and enjoy!

1. I’m going to pick a person in your life – not knowing if you have a good or bad, existing or non-existent relationship with them – and your mission is to pick 5 words or traits or thoughts to describe them.

Your paternal grandmother.
I love this one - I loved my grandmothers and it's always such a joy to think back on either of them and the beautiful women they were. I was truly blessed to have both of them in my life.
Fierce
Feisty
amazing cook
hard on herself
struggled with her weight
big boobs

I think I got my fiercness and feistiness (along with most of the others) from her.

2. What’s your all time favorite color to paint your nails? And your toes?

Fingers - The color that looks best on my nails is a rich burgandy color, but depending on my mood and the season sometimes I go with pink or fuck me red.

Toes - I'm a little freer on my toes. I like bright colors down there - hot pink, purple, maybe even a deep orange.

3. Do you get along with your parents well?

Yes. My mom is great. She was always more a friend than a mom, but as I'm now an adult we've gotten to the place where that's just as it should be. She's fun and silly and great to hang out with - this apple did not fall far from her tree (and my little apple, Jackson, did not fall far from his tree, me). My dad - he's a little harder. He's a very nice man with good intentions but he was and is just.. absent. I made peace with our relationship a very long time ago and I see him several times a year and when we're together we get along great - but we're not particularly close. It wouln't occurr to me (or him) to call if something great or terrible happened to either of us. I try to remember to call him on his birthday and father's day and he probably wishes that he remembered to call me more. When my kids were young I made a significant effort to "imprint" my dad and step mom on my kids until they were about two, knowing they'd never make that happen for all they wanted to be these amazing grand parents. For those years I made sure the kids saw them about every 6 weeks. (we only lived about 20 minutes from each other). Dad and Pat are always thrilled to see them, but without my specific direction it just doesn't happen. They just don't have family skills. My imprinting worked and my kids speak fondly of that set of grandparents - though at times they've been surprised to learn they lived so close. A couple of years ago Jackson said to my step mom in all seriousness - "You live in MD??? Wow, was I wrong! I thought you lived in NC" Brad and I about fell on the floor keeping ourselves from laughing. That was one of those beautiful "out of the mouths of babes" moments.

So I'm sitting here going on and on about my dad with whom I've made my peace and it feels a little like "Me think thou doth protest too much" but the reality is that my dad has been on my mind a lot lately as I think depsite my best efforts I married my dad. Maybe it's just that Brad doesn't have any family skills. He's a good man and he has good intentions - just no follow through. Very much out of sight out of mind. I might make peace with his skill level and I don't think I'll ever hate him, but I won't spend the rest of my life married to him if that's all he can give.

4. Speaking of rainbows – rank the rainbow colors in the order you prefer.

Orange
Red
Green
Purple
Yellow
Blue

5. Repeat question. How was your week in real life and in blog land this week?

In blog land. um... well... I suck. Hi, my name is Read and I'm a bad friend. Today is, I think, the first time I've been online all week. I did try to get on yesterday and I think made it to Ronnie's blog - but I didn't even have a chance to finish catching up on her blog. I got through Gilly's and OMG - I'm so amazingly excited for her - I'm on cloud 9 so she must just be out in the stratosphere. As for everyone else - that's this weekend's project!! I have just been running non stop trying to catch up from being away - which I'm totally not yet. But it'll come... right??? I hope.....

Real life - well... I had the most amazing time in WY and CO with my friend Camille. Someone told me she's my "e-friend" since I met her online - all I know is that she's my best friend and one of the best people I've ever been lucky enough to know. Her family's pretty great too. I guess that makes you all my e-friends too - I kind of like the term. It's probably an old term that you all know, but I just learned it so I'm going with it! We just hung out and as you all know from meeting other boobs - there wasn't an awkward moment - I was just heading over to play with my friend as if I do that all the time.

I cried almost the whole way home though - and it wasn't about missing Camille per se - it was about being in this insulated bubble of love and fun and support for 5 days and then heading home to where nothing's comfortable and the love is hard to see (well not relating to the kids). And there's no support whatsoever to speak of. Brad learned I was upset about coming home and saw that again as more proof positive that I hate him and don't want him around. I said... Or it could just be that I'm sad about where our life is...

We had a big to do on Wednesday night that ended with me crying and leaving the house for a few hours. I used the time to get the birthday shopping done for Teddy so it wasn't a total loss. I'm sure all the clerks thought I was insane with the way my eyes were all red and just kept leaking - but.... eh. When I finally came home Brad and I had a long talk. That was good - but ... eh... who knows if he heard a thing I said - or if he meant a thing he said. We'll just have to wait and see. In the mean time - I'm getting an IUD put in in a couple of weeks and am ready to begin to explore the openness of an open marriage (condoms will still be a must but I know I'll rest easier without the risk of pregnancy) - Hopefully Brad will still be on board with that.

My Trek Downward

BYOC!!! Bring Your Own Crazy!!

A little Ricky-ism...

Finding your peace....

BYOC!!! Bring Your Own Crazy!!

Deep thoughts....

Happy New Year! 2012 is going to be good!!

I need some help...

Oh how I worry about that boy...

Emotions and chaos... (I think I need more in my life)

BYOC - does anyone care that I'm doing it on Monday and not Friday???

More amusement from my husband's classy family...

My blessings are many…

Could my dreams be coming true???

BYOC!!! Bring Your Own Crazy!!

A little life contemplation...

A slow and low day...

Christmas decorating has officially started...

Back to the writing prompts...

Where does the pee come out of if there's no penis?

NaBloPoMo & a little NSV

It's over... phew

BYOC!!! Bring Your Own Crazy!!

Day 4 and I’m stupid

Day 3 in the books...

NaBloPoMo, Day 2, and a hair cut...

Day 1 - complete

Me and my band...

Ricky's extended family-isms....

Tommy-isms

BYOC!!! Bring Your Own Crazy!!

Emotional IQ....

Is it so wrong????

Help a blogger out.... please

Note to self

BYOC - better late than never...

A couple of quick Ricky-isms

BYOC - OMG I almost missed it...

The Ricky pictures...

More BOOBs fun...

Life in our asylum – don’t you want to come too?

BOOBs 2011 - my take. And a couple of Ricky-isms

Days 3 and 4

Chicago, Day 2

Chicago - Day 1

A few last minute things...

Ricky is coming back to town...

pictionary and being a kind and compassionate mom (not)

Kagead's magic shopping powers...

BYOC!!! Bring Your Own Crazy!!

a couple of pictures

Note to self

Owning me... it's a good thing

BYOC!!! Bring Your Own Crazy!!

More brain farts....

BYOC!!! Bring Your Own Crazy!!

Just another glimpse into my neurosis....

2011 BOOBs fun facts

Hey all, it seems people keep talking about refocusing...

BYOC Bring Your Own Crazy!!!

A quick update

Y*ahoo M*essenger

I can only handle so much temptation... so sue me

The start of accountability

BYOC!!! Bring Your Own Crazy!!

Hey... remember me?? (waving hands in air like a crazy person)

I have a teenager... Ack!

BYOC!!! Bring Your Own Crazy!!

Yahoo Messenger