1) This is a letter I sent to my friend Farrah the other morning...
Hopefully you're sound asleep but I am writing this in order to keep myself from killing Tommy in a bloody goulish mess.
He comes into my room where Dan and I are still sleeping. I'm actually awake which I tell Tommy and he comes over to me to tell me 2 things. One is that he dropped his computer. The laptop we just bought him that I debated allowing him to have instead of a desktop computer because I was afraid he'd fucking drop it. "It's no big deal though mom. The screen isn't even cracked. But I'm telling you because Jason's gonna make a big deal out of it." (really, Jason will think it's a big deal??? how fucking shocking)
Me. Where did it fall from? (thinking maybe it was sitting on the ottoman and fell to the carpeted floor.)
I was walking down the hall and it fell out of my arms.
Of course it did.
And 2nd he needs to tell me the Internet is down. Yes, I know it is. It went down right after I sent an email in the middle of the night.
Tom: it's down
Me. Yes. I know
Tom. It's not working at all
Me. Yes I know.
Tom. But I can't play Xbox.
Me. Yes I know.
Tom. You need to fix it
Me. I can't. Your dad will look at it when he gets up. Bring your computer back to your room and go take a shower.
Tom. (whining) I don't want to take a shower.
Me. You didn't take one yesterday. Go take one.
Tom. I really don't want to take one right now. (said in his best grown up voice, like could we please postpone this a little bit?)
Me. Okay. But go wash your face right now. You can shower in a bit.
Tom. I don't want to wash my face
Me. Okay. Do it anyway.
Me. Because you have acne all over your face. Now go wash it.
I lay in bed for roughly 10 seconds when I realize I heard his computer drop in this seriously loud crash that I sat there and waited for screams of pain afterward. I get up to get his computer and I go straight to the bathroom where he should be washing his face and he's nowhere to be seen.
I pretty much want to kill him.
I find him in the basement. (shock of all shocks)
Me. TOMMY GET YOUR ASS UPSTAIRS RIGHT NOW AND BRING YOUR COMPUTER!!!!
Me. YOU DIDN'T WASH YOUR FACE
Tom. Yes I did.
Me. BULLSHIT (There is a direct relationship between how pissed I am and how much I cuss which my children are well aware of)
Tom. I swear I did
Me. BULLSHIT. I STAYED IN BED AFTER YOU LEFT FOR ABOUT 10 SECONDS AND YOU ARE ALL THE WAY IN THE BASEMENT. YOU DIDN'T WASH YOUR FUCKING FACE.
Tom. I splashed water on it. (said with the tone that says aha, I've just proved you wrong)
Me. THAT'S NOT WASHING YOUR FACE
Tom. That's how I always wash my face.
Me. THAT'S NOT WASHING YOUR FACE. WASHING INVOLVES (insert crazy woman flailing her arms around in search of the right word) WASHING. LIKE WASHING. TO MAKE CLEAN. NOT TO MAKE WET. YOU GOT YOUR FACE WET. Didn't we take you to a doctor who gave you products with which to wash your face. Who demonstrated exactly how you were to do it. What you did was RINSE YOUR FUCKING FACE NOT WASH IT. Now the computer is mine. I heard it fall. We just spent all this money on a computer for you and I didn't want to get a laptop for you because I was afraid you would FUCKING DROP IT. So now it's mine. Now go upstairs and take A FUCKING SHOWER. And not in my bathroom!!!
Tom. ( insert Tommy realizing he's pushed his mom too far and she already gone round the bend.) Okay mom. Here you go.
I think the only reason he's still alive is that he was standing on the stairs holding the laptop. If I hadn't wanted to salvage the laptop I think I would have happily pushed him down backwards.
2) Jason is watching E.T. for the first time and Dan and I are in the kitchen next to where he's watching and this little exchange happened between Jason and Dan.
Jason: What's so important about E.T.'s finger?
Dan: It's his energy interface.
Jason: ok, thanks.
me: (slowly banging my head against the table)